Wish i didn’t go on a different forum

[Homer47]

Hi my recent posts regarding what if i abused someone from a cheating incident. I posted this in a different site and the feedback has set me off on a massive scale of worry.

[Homer47]

I have even googled what is sexual assault. This is what my thoughts are doing to me.

[ankietyjoe]

You don't HAVE to act on thoughts. You have the choice not to. Don't google.

[WiseMonkey]

You don't HAVE to act on thoughts. You have the choice not to. Don't google.

I recently started another post similar to this in relation to HA and you're spot on.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Homer, talk it through then. Even on here we get people who don't understand sexual themes in anxiety and assume it's abuse. But on here anxiety themes like this are discussed as you will see from many threads and in the years I've been here I know only a few posts raised the issue of abuse and they were not inline with what medical professionals tell us.

And remember not to listen to a 1% outlier person who is bigoted (If they are not aware of medical opinions on sexual themes) when 99% disagree with them.

I'm saying this without knowledge of what you posted. Just concerned poor advice might be in play.

Edit: just read your recent reply to Nora. Sounds consensual and you still know each other which strongly suggests this isn't what you fear as why would they want to know you? It's guilt and anxiety. If you have worked through this with your wife, and she is satisfied it's done & dusted, it's about you. Beware dredging it up and upsetting her. Working through it as an issue you have and with a therapist would be better as it won't potentially damage your relationship as reassurance seeking via a confession compulsive could.

[Homer47]

Hi thanks for the reply’s. I didn’t tell my wife terry.. i can tell it’s my ocd ruminating over and over making me believe it’s true when that thought came. I no it’s because i feel guilty even if it was 5 yrs ago ish. It was just me wanting certainty that i,m not that sort of person( abuser) i did google other day to find out what is sexual abuse etc. This other site i went on the feedback was horrible like i was the villain.

[NoraB]

I didn’t tell my wife terry..

Why didn't you tell your wife?

[Homer47]

Because it would cause heartache and trouble i guess.

[NoraB]

Because it would cause heartache and trouble i guess.

Heartache for her and trouble for you, right?

Heartache is generally a given with infidelity Homer, but honesty matters in my opinion. However, there is a time-frame for honesty when it comes to cheating and five years is too long to be confessing in order to ease your own guilt - which is most likely the cause of the OCD issue which is giving you so much trouble.

Ultimately, it's a fess up or bury it deal, Homer, and you need professional help to work out which it's going to be for your wife's sake, as well as your own.

I'm always going to be slightly biased because I was cheated on. It aint pleasant. But I'm not so biased that I can't see that you are paying for what you did with a life of severe anxiety and distressing thoughts.

Please seek some help.

[Homer47]

I,ll take that on the chin Nora your right there. Regarding help over the years i have seen therapist etc. But for an example of worry’s not to much in-depth. Mainly harm ocd regarding against my daughter which was the worse of any kind, then it progressed to anyone and still now. But the tools i have been given and books that i have read have eased this harm. Basically got used to it. We’re as the current worry that’s what i was like as a kid . Did i do wrong then i would have to confess to get the happy feeling back. Like now i,m after that happy feeling back. With the harm it was only when someone was near me on my own didn’t really bother me until next time. So my extreme worrying is been around since o was 10/11 still now obviously can’t see me ever ocd free. But now and again i might get a flare up. Like you say it was yrs ago i need to leave it there.

[Homer47]

I do seem to believe my worry’s that are true and when i have a calm mind i think why did i worry about them. Always worrying about what ifs the future what if so and so say this. It’s my mind that needs calming i guess. Sorry for long post but i really do appreciate your feedback thanks.

[NoraB]

Always worrying about what ifs the future what if so and so say this.

Ultimately, we have no control over what other people do or say. All we can do is address things if they happen.

Worrying about something that most likely will never happen only serves to keep us mentally unwell.

[Homer47]

That is so true wish i could really stick to that, that’s my other worse worrying about other people’s minds what there thinking about me or going to say to me predicting the outcomes

[NoraB]

that’s my other worse worrying about other people’s minds what there thinking about me or going to say to me predicting the outcomes

If you're anything like me H, you'll generally get things horribly wrong. :winks:

Remind yourself that it's your irrational thoughts which are 'predicting' these outcomes. How many times have you been proved right?

I was proved right that my husband was cheating on me but only because the dude suddenly got busy with the Lynx and I no longer had to nag him into the shower. He couldn't have been anymore blatant if he'd worn a 'I'm cheating on you' t-shirt!' :whistles:

But I'd say the percentage of 'things that I imagine will happen, but don't' is about 95%

...so I might as well imagine myself walking upstairs to find Tom Hardy spread-eagled on the bed with a rose sticking out of his arse-crack. It's still in the 95% 'will never happen', but I will be releasing the good hormones, no? :yesyes:

[Homer47]

Admire your spirit there Nora 😂. I suppose you seeing the signs from your husband were like you say easy. Then your worries came true from that. Then there’s the other side with no evidence you presume will happen if that makes sence. You seem happy now.

[NoraB]

I suppose you seeing the signs from your husband were like you say easy. Then your worries came true from that. Then there’s the other side with no evidence you presume will happen if that makes sence. You seem happy now.

The experience left me with trust issues, to be sure, but Mr Batty is a patient soul and he's given me the time I need to sort my head out. As with my my HA, I eventually learned to accept what I can't control - and I can't control the same thing happening to me again.

Even so, as a precaution, I keep my garden spade nicely sharpened. :D