View Full Version : Son's ex-wife in ICU
Some alarming and distressing news today. My son's ex wife and mother to his two sons has been admitted to intensive care. She is currently sedated but tests for Covid have come back negative twice. She is testing positive for pneumonia though. But after speaking to my son it seems she felt unwell last week. Of course I can't jump to conclusions, but the pattern does seem in line with Covid disease progression.
My son is asking for a home testing kit to be sent out as his two boys to and fro between them regularly. I dropped off the eldest grandson's medication this morning and worked out son and his GF would have been here early last week. Not seen them since. We haven't seen the ex for quite a while now but we got on with her even though the split was acrimonious. Luckily she's early 40s though carrying quite a bit of weight and a smoker. Reality hits. I just hope she'll be ok.
Pamplemousse
11-11-20, 16:26
It is possible that it's 'just' pneumonia - I've had a couple of friends contract it in the past, seemingly from nowhere.
As I often tell people (but somehow am deaf to it myself) - when Covid rolled into town like John Wayne, the rest of the diseases didn't saddle up and ride out.
I hope she gets well soon, FM65.
It is possible that it's 'just' pneumonia - I've had a couple of friends contract it in the past, seemingly from nowhere.
As I often tell people (but somehow am deaf to it myself) - when Covid rolled into town like John Wayne, the rest of the diseases didn't saddle up and ride out.
I hope she gets well soon, FM65.Thanks PM anxiety starts talking for me at such times. And I think you're right because I just got off the phone from son and she's tested negative again for Covid. Like you say though, traditional pneumonia is no laughing matter but hopefully they can treat it with ABs.
I 'think' I came across as a little too concerned on the phone, his lady friend was there. But I've known his ex since 2005 and you can't just erase that like it never happened.
WiredIncorrectly
11-11-20, 18:00
Sorry to hear this fishman65. Praying she recovers well.
His lady friend is going to have to get over it. The ex is the mother of your two grandsons. They are going to be super scared and upset. Everyone's first priority should be them. Whether she has pneumonia or covid, that's nothing you all can control now. You're all going to have to let the docs take care of her. But everyone can spend time with those boys, whether over the phone or FaceTime or whatever, and reassure them that the docs are doing everything they can for their mom and no matter what happens, people are around who love them.
Sorry you're dealing with this, FM.
You must feel very shaken by the news and your grandsons are certainly going to need loads of reassurance and support. I hope you get clearer news very soon and that she starts to respond to treatment.
Thanks guys, the dynamics of the family are certainly more complex than they used to be. But people get bored with each other and move on, or at least some do. And then you can end up with the seeds of chaos sown in drills of irresponsibility. Kids here, there and everywhere and none of them ever having a father in their life. I buck that trend by being a sticker, but at what price to myself?
But yes at least if its plain old pneumonia it should respond and she's young enough for a better outcome.
Pamplemousse
11-11-20, 20:25
Have they determined what type of pneumonia it is yet, FM65?
I 'think' I came across as a little too concerned on the phone, his lady friend was there. But I've known his ex since 2005 and you can't just erase that like it never happened.
If your son's lady friend can't find empathy in this situation - then I'd question her suitability for your son? Then again, his life and all that. Exes will always be in the equation where children are concerned, and, like you say, you don't stop caring for a son or daughter in law just because the marriage broke down..
I hope your ex DIL gets well soon.
MyNameIsTerry
12-11-20, 13:15
Fishman I'm sorry to hear this. I hope she gets well soon. Now she's in hospital they can give her proper breathing support and it really helps really fast. Being a smoker her lungs will struggle more and it may be she needs more attention until she can be transferred into the generals.
I had it at 18 with asthma. Woke up in the night feeling like someone was crushing my ribs. Off in an ambulance not long afterwards. The week before I had some lung issues but it didn't stop me going to college and out drinking. Getting onto oxygen was such a help. The nebulizers were also great. Such a relief. A few days later I was fine and out within a week. Took months to get my health back though so she may need m9re support and that may mean more help with the kids so the new partner may have to get over that.
My mum had pneumonia a few ago too. Being in her seventies with asthma and various health issues of that age she was off to hospital for a week. Within a couple of days she was much better after a combination of oral and IV antibiotics.
So people with pre existing breathing issues can get much better very quickly. It may be the same with her?
Hearing ICU is always very scary. But she's in the best place in the hospital right now with top staff and all the best treatments to hand. She may respond very quickly to breathing support whilst they stop it in its tracks with IV antibiotics. So just a waiting game with thoughts trying to run wild but try to keep them rational. You know the kids need you all right now. You've got us lot if you need us.
Thank you to everyone who's replied, it does mean a lot especially when it feels like illness is all around. My Dad being 91, Mrs F and now DIL. It isn't Covid though but the latest report is that she's still sedated and is having her lungs drained today I think. Youngest grandson keeps crying but my son and his GF are looking after him. I will give my son credit, he's always been there for his boys. Well, if we forget him leaving their mother but even then he was in close contact.
Thanks for that insight Terry, that's reassuring reading first hand experience of pneumonia. My sister had it actually when she was 2, though that was 5 years before I was born. It was touch and go at one point.
Fishman sorry to read this. Praying for a swift and full recovery of your grandchildrens mum.
Sorry to hear this news fishman.
Pneumonia is very treatable, so try not to fret.
I know it must seem the people in your world are crumbling around you, and life has a habit of chucking everything at you at once.
You can't control everything around you, but you can control how much you involve yourself mentally. x
Just to add that my daughter had acute viral pneumonia and septicaemia at 4 weeks of age and was in ICU for a week. She's now 29 with no ill effects physically.
I know this won't be any consolation to you, Fishman but it's just another recovery story. She was extremely vulnerable but came through. Hoping for better news very soon for you and your family. She's your grandsons' mother and will always be family no matter what.
An anxious time, for you all. I’m sorry she is so poorly and I really hope she pulls through quickly. I’m sure she will.
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MRS STRESS ED
12-11-20, 22:27
So very sorry to hear this news hopefully she's strong enough to pull through and the fact she has beautiful children waiting for her will make her fight stay strong sending you love and prayers xx
Thank you everyone for all your support. However, the vibe I'm getting here from Mrs F and at my son's end is one of indifference. OK yes his ex caused problems for him after he left but then he did walk out on her, it takes two. And now I hear she had a heart attack at one point, yes she is very overweight and a smoker. But I didn't realise there was a cut-off point for concern over a fellow human being. Maybe I'm just too soft, yes that must be it.
Meanwhile Mrs F is complaining of having to shield upstairs. And yet I told her quite clearly that high risk people should be given the option of shielding. There are no locks on the bedroom door. She then feigns ignorance over Covid by saying she relies on me giving her the facts. I told her she has a brain and to use it. But the fact is she loves having an excuse to lay in bed, she has a sore on her backside that's been there for months. I honestly think its a bedsore.
Pamplemousse
13-11-20, 19:19
If you think it's a bedsore, don't let it get infected. An infected pressure sore is what put Mrs. PM in hospital back in 2008 - she developed septicaemia which caused her kidneys to fail. A week in ICU followed, then when she was healthy enough to go on a ward radical removal of dead flesh (both knife and leeches) followed both on the sore and pads of her feet. Took five months to get her home.
Sorry to be a bit brutal, but I just don't want anyone to go through what I did.
Shielding doesn't mean laying in bed all day though...I would have thought that the elected inactivity would be far more of a health threat than Covid at this stage?
To avoid bed sores you must rotate your body if in bed for a long time. Washing and creams help like E45.
Does Mrs F have a chair in her room? Or a chair with desk? You can get those tables you pull over a chair. x
Thanks everyone for your very helpful input. I shouldn't be criticising my wife on a forum but sometimes you have to want to help yourself. Her health problems are genuine, I was there when each was diagnosed. But I wish that she would push back against them occasionally. I know its not easy and I should maybe apply it to myself, but I've suggested short walks around the block now and again. Just to get her blood flowing and muscles moving again. She is as unfit as a body can get I should imagine, but small steps could make a big difference if only she were willing to try.
She has got Germolene antiseptic cream which I put on the sore earlier, it seems to stop it getting bigger but not be rid of it entirely. I don't help by taking everything upstairs for her, maybe I should make her come down but then it would be more guilt tripping/manipulation.
What if your daughter asked your wife? Think she could lure her out to go for a walk?
Pamplemousse
14-11-20, 02:53
FM65, as long as that sore looks red and 'angry' as my old GP would have said, fine. But if it darkens or worse still, appears to be going black under the skin then it's serious.
Thanks everyone for your very helpful input. I shouldn't be criticising my wife on a forum but sometimes you have to want to help yourself. Her health problems are genuine, I was there when each was diagnosed. But I wish that she would push back against them occasionally. I know its not easy and I should maybe apply it to myself, but I've suggested short walks around the block now and again. Just to get her blood flowing and muscles moving again. She is as unfit as a body can get I should imagine, but small steps could make a big difference if only she were willing to try.
Do you think she could be depressed?
Fitness absolutely makes a difference with chronic illness. Your wife would benefit mentally and physically by moving about. Some days my fibro puts me in bed or on the sofa but I try to move every 40 minutes...
I don't know what conditions your Mrs has, so it's hard to comment, but if she isn't bed-bound, and there are no concerns with her using the stairs, then maybe stop seeing to her every need? Give her the incentive to do stuff for herself, and if she doesn't want to get out into the fresh air - don't let that stop you (unless someone has to be with her) and even then, it's important that you get some respite.
MyNameIsTerry
14-11-20, 05:54
Fishman, when my mum had a bedsore from sitting in her chair a few months back the district nurse got her something called Derma-S. It's a barrier cream. A tiny amount is put on. Sorted it out in no time. It might be prescription only but if so perhaps your GP can prescribe some?
I don't think anyone but yourselves can answer whether any of your attitudes are reasonable. None of us know enough to criticise really and parents won't know everything that goes on between partners either. Maybe your wife is more narrow or more interested in her son's side? Maybe you are more open-minded to what happens between couples? Maybe your son knows things about his ex that mean she was worse? Or vice versa. But to be honest I'm not sure how much of that even matters right now since even if you didn't care you would still care about how your kids feel and the impact of them being afraid of losing their mum. And it only speaks to your compassion that you are willing to put differences aside in a time of need some of which will also be because of the kids involved.
Does it make you a bad person. No, not at all. Even if she were a hell cat it would only make you easier to sympathy from but given she is in an ICU with a history of heart attack does it matter so much? Isn't it being the bigger person?
Thanks everyone for your very helpful input. I shouldn't be criticising my wife on a forum but sometimes you have to want to help yourself. Her health problems are genuine, I was there when each was diagnosed. But I wish that she would push back against them occasionally. I know its not easy and I should maybe apply it to myself, but I've suggested short walks around the block now and again. Just to get her blood flowing and muscles moving again. She is as unfit as a body can get I should imagine, but small steps could make a big difference if only she were willing to try.
She has got Germolene antiseptic cream which I put on the sore earlier, it seems to stop it getting bigger but not be rid of it entirely. I don't help by taking everything upstairs for her, maybe I should make her come down but then it would be more guilt tripping/manipulation.
You'll grow to resent her if she continues to manipulate you though..and gentle exercise really does help chronic pain conditions. It's not all about taking regular opioids and lying in bed these days. Any decent pain management consultant will tell you that. I do hope you can get her to do more stuff for herself..I know it's not easy and she won't like it one bit but for her own physical and mental health..and yours!..she needs to help herself and not rely on you totally.
I hope there is better news from the hospital today. Whatever the history she is still the mother of your grandchildren and you have every right to be concerned and worried about her.
Thank you to everyone, you're all troopers offering good common sense and advice. And believe me I'm very grateful for that.
There is no news today about my son's ex. No news in that situation can only be good. As for Mrs F, I've put some more Germolene on that sore and Voltarol on her shoulder and hip. She's now got some bleeding from her bowel which I'm hoping will stop, it usually does but the majority of my anxiety seems to surround her illnesses.
Nora - Mrs F was diagnosed with epilepsy in 1994 so before I met her, a correction on my earlier statement that I'd been present every time she was diagnosed. The epilepsy is 'brittle epilepsy' and partially controlled by the meds, carbamazepine.
The crohns disease was diagnosed early 2000 and she's been on various medications including olsalazine and intermittent steroids, usually prednisolone. The steroids work wonders but side effects, both long and short are a problem. She had surgery in 2008. She has been told by her specialist that a bag is all they will offer her now.
In 2015 she was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, another autoimmune disease that often goes hand in hand with crohns. Though last year her rheumatology specialist told us it had gone into remission but that she now had fibromyalgia. I believe fibromyalgia is a set of symptoms rather than disease as such? Anyway she gets joint and muscle pain, tiredness and she can sleep for ever.
She also has type 2 diabetes though largely controlled by metformin. Then there is paroxetine for depression/anxiety. She takes dihydrocodeine and has fentanyl patches, both for pain relief. So a wheelbarrow is usually needed when picking up her prescription. I also wonder if her sleeping is at least partly due to the volume of medication? Oh I forgot trazadone.
Anyway the blood from her bowel has sent my anxiety off. I really don't have any fuel left in the tank to worry about my son's ex, he will have to deal with that. Though the blood/bowel issue is something she knows will cause anxiety, so its a fail-safe way to get my attention. I think I already resent her Pulisa and that makes me feel bad so I get a vicious circle of guilt going.
I don't blame you, Fishman and don't feel guilty for admitting it. It's an entirely understandable reaction. You can only take so much and she knows how to trigger your anxieties re the bleeding.
I'm not surprised she is sleeping all the time with that cocktail of pain meds. Have the meds been reviewed recently? Surely a better diet and some exercise would help with the Type 2 diabetes? What does she think of your weight loss and improved physical health?
Anxiety up and running now, though our hospitals aren't allowing visitors, I've just checked on the websites. She has her meds reviewed once a year like me, but it should be more frequently tbh. A course of steroids would help settle her bowel but she doesn't like to take them, which I can understand. Whenever I mention exercise she resists, though as Vee suggested above I'll see if she'll go for a walk with our daughter.
She says I've done well with my weight loss/exercise, other than that it doesn't seem to register.
glassgirlw
14-11-20, 21:55
Hi, Fishman. My mom is on many of the same meds as Mrs F, it sounds like. She also has Fibromyalgia and Type 2 Diabetes and is constantly tired. I strongly believe that those meds are a good part of why she has no energy. But when I mention it it tends to fall on deaf ears.
I absolutely understand the frustration of watching a loved one refuse to try and get up and about, even to just go for a drive and get some fresh air. You shouldn’t feel guilty for having the thoughts you do. I have the same ones in regards to my mom...I feel like all we can do is continue to try and encourage different behavior, and take breaks for ourselves when we need to. It’s very emotionally exhausting to be the primary source of care. Just don’t forget to take some time away for yourself to breathe.
Fishman, I think it wise to let your son deal with the ex daughter n law. You have enough on your plate as it is, everyone knows that. x
By the way, you are not running your wife down, you are just explaining things as they are. She certainly has a culmination of illnesses and it must put a terrible strain on you. We also tend to worry about others rather than ourselves. I do hope you are taking a little time for yourself. Love works both ways, you know. :winks:
It certainly been a year of it for you and have you stopped to think how well you have coped with it all? You've been brilliant fishman, you need to remind yourself of that and give yourself some tlc too. x
A very big thank you to both, you're gonna make me bawl. Where would I be without NMP members? :hugs:Not a good day today, the anxiety has come to visit. I had my anxiety-ears on when daughter told me they had Covid in Spar where she's supervisor. What she actually said was one worker's parents had it and they hadn't seen those parents in months. My daughter makes allowances for me though.
Glassgirl, yes our loved ones sound very similar. It is frustrating but with Mrs F it seems like water off a duck's back to her. I do all the worrying for her, do you find it the same? Well not with my wife obviously as you don't know her.
Carnation, yes I suppose I haven't done too badly. I do think volunteering as my Dad's bubble was a mistake though. Brother lives closer by 4 miles and a nephew just 10 minutes walk across some fields. But Dad's just phoned and I said I'd try to get over tomorrow, its me he wants and I should be touched.
A very big thank you to both, you're gonna make me bawl. Where would I be without NMP members? :hugs:Not a good day today, the anxiety has come to visit. I had my anxiety-ears on when daughter told me they had Covid in Spar where she's supervisor. What she actually said was one worker's parents had it and they hadn't seen those parents in months. My daughter makes allowances for me though.
Glassgirl, yes our loved ones sound very similar. It is frustrating but with Mrs F it seems like water off a duck's back to her. I do all the worrying for her, do you find it the same? Well not with my wife obviously as you don't know her.
Carnation, yes I suppose I haven't done too badly. I do think volunteering as my Dad's bubble was a mistake though. Brother lives closer by 4 miles and a nephew just 10 minutes walk across some fields. But Dad's just phoned and I said I'd try to get over tomorrow, its me he wants and I should be touched.
..But it's an additional commitment perhaps? Don't feel bad about thinking that though. The others should pull their weight but you're available and reliable and aren't going to say no..
Mrs F has adopted invalid status and that suits her but is it what you want for her ultimately? It seems a shame that she has chosen to be looked after rather than do her bit to contribute to the running of your home. It doesn't have to be a lot to begin with but just something to lighten the overall load?
It is frustrating but with Mrs F it seems like water off a duck's back to her. I do all the worrying for her, do you find it the same?
That's the codependency. Check out this article:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-caregivers-handbook/201208/when-caregivers-care-too-much
..But it's an additional commitment perhaps? Don't feel bad about thinking that though. The others should pull their weight but you're available and reliable and aren't going to say no..
Mrs F has adopted invalid status and that suits her but is it what you want for her ultimately? It seems a shame that she has chosen to be looked after rather than do her bit to contribute to the running of your home. It doesn't have to be a lot to begin with but just something to lighten the overall load?You make some good points Pulisa as ever and draw attention to situations I'd rather not deal with. When I first mentioned the option of shielding she was up there in a flash, most people would probably object. She is like her mother in that respect but yes invalid status she has taken on quite readily. But by doing everything I'm enabling her. Though often its easier to just do it rather than have the snide comments.
I remember an instance going back 10 years or more when she asked me to peel her an orange from the kitchen. I suggested she could do that herself so grudgingly she did. However for the rest of the evening and indeed on going to bed, she was still making remarks about that orange. And so I wished I'd just peeled it. My daughter has called it abuse. She used to do more around the house but has used her ailments as a get out clause. But then if I see her struggling and in pain, I feel bad for thinking that in the first place. Ultimately I would like my wife back.
That's the codependency. Check out this article:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-caregivers-handbook/201208/when-caregivers-care-too-muchThanks Vee, that does sound like me in many respects. I think when this virus palaver is all over, we should see someone in a professional capacity. Though I doubt Mrs F will be keen.
You make some good points Pulisa as ever and draw attention to situations I'd rather not deal with. When I first mentioned the option of shielding she was up there in a flash, most people would probably object. She is like her mother in that respect but yes invalid status she has taken on quite readily. But by doing everything I'm enabling her. Though often its easier to just do it rather than have the snide comments.
I remember an instance going back 10 years or more when she asked me to peel her an orange from the kitchen. I suggested she could do that herself so grudgingly she did. However for the rest of the evening and indeed on going to bed, she was still making remarks about that orange. And so I wished I'd just peeled it. My daughter has called it abuse. She used to do more around the house but has used her ailments as a get out clause. But then if I see her struggling and in pain, I feel bad for thinking that in the first place. Ultimately I would like my wife back.
Your daughter has sussed her out and so have you...but she's your wife so I appreciate that it's hard to challenge her when you have gone along with her behaviours for so long. A good chronic pain consultant would give you both more relevant advice on living-not sleeping-with a chronic pain condition but she would have to be ready to be challenged. I want you to get your wife back because you don't deserve to be treated like a doormat.
I want you to get your wife back because you don't deserve to be treated like a doormat.She has to go outside first to do that Pulisa :D But thank you, you're a real star.
She has to go outside first to do that Pulisa :D But thank you, you're a real star.
I know I'm interfering and speaking out of turn but I do want you to get her back..and I think she would like her life back too.
Pulisa, you're doing neither. Its something we both need to work on. I need to step back and she needs to step up. And I appreciate your advice, you know that :hugs:
glassgirlw
16-11-20, 02:14
Glassgirl, yes our loved ones sound very similar. It is frustrating but with Mrs F it seems like water off a duck's back to her. I do all the worrying for her, do you find it the same? Well not with my wife obviously as you don’t know her.
It’s kind of an odd situation with my mom because as I’ve gotten older, and deal with my own HA issues, I’ve realized that my moms a pretty big hypochondriac. She’s highly susceptible to suggestion - for instance, as soon as she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia she had joined tons of forums and sits in her chair all day as she reads about others symptoms and then develops them herself. I don’t mean to imply she doesn’t have some of these symptoms, but rather than her fight back against it and try, she just accepts that “it’s the fibro” and stays in her chair. It’s so frustrating to see our loved ones almost just give up.
I’ve realized that my moms a pretty big hypochondriac. She’s highly susceptible to suggestion - for instance, as soon as she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia she had joined tons of forums and sits in her chair all day as she reads about others symptoms and then develops them herself. I don’t mean to imply she doesn’t have some of these symptoms, but rather than her fight back against it and try, she just accepts that “it’s the fibro” and stays in her chair. It’s so frustrating to see our loved ones almost just give up.
I have fibromyalgia, and it's one of those conditions which isn't life-threatening but it is hugely life-affecting. Some days I am in bed because I'm in so much pain I can't function and painkillers don't always work. As it is, I am always in some level of pain. It's cost me a lot in terms of quality of life which in turn effects my family. I have a very big problem with people who are dismissive of fibromyalgia. It's a real condition with real pain. It's thought to be a problem with the brain and nervous system but nobody is 100% sure what causes it yet, though this theory does make sense to me. The difference with me is that I'm a stubborn bugger who won't be dictated to - by people or life. So I fight. Because if I don't, I might as well be dead. And I also deal with the guilt of holidays cut short or cancelled altogether because I'm not well enough to go. Or me being in bed when my sons are over (they're not local). I hate that I can no longer do what I want to do. If I want to decorate - it now takes me months as opposed to hours or days. To be fair to you, it does sound like your mum has surrendered to this condition, and you have my sympathy for that, but try not to assume that her pain isn't real, because it is.
If your mum is suggestable, as you say, try and use this to your advantage and 'sell' getting up and doing something to her?
With fibro (with me, anyway) there is the on and off fight with depression as well as the symptoms - because being in constant pain will do that. Even the most positive of us have our bad days. Maybe you need to work out what is fibro and what is depression? Or, maybe it's simply the case that your mum is happy to check out of life and into her chair? Let's face it, some people are.
So, maybe write her a letter (do we still do that?) and tell her how you feel?
I'm on fibro forums and groups as well, and as useful as they are for knowing that other people understand, they also tend to be full of people blaming absolutely everything on fibro..
I dropped a book on my toe and now it's purple, is this fibro?
I have a paper-cut - is this fibro?
The binmen didn't empty my bin this week, is this fibro?
You get me? :huh:
Maybe point your mum in the direction of the more positive groups? Those which advocate shifting one's arse. Anything with positivity in the title will usually be good. (steer clear of any which ban or block people who advocate exercise with fibro)
The difference with you, Nora is that you are not a "victim" of fibro. You live with it as best you can. I also try to live with my chronic pain condition (not fibro) as best I can. I need to keep my brain sharp so gabapentin and the likes are not an option.Once you give in it's a slippery slope.
Besides which I have responsibilities as a carer and this is a hugely motivating factor in staying active.
I think it's also important to see the right consultant who understands that chronic pain is not helped by opioids and how they cause long term problems in themselves.
glassgirlw
16-11-20, 11:24
I didn’t mean to suggest the symptoms and pain are not real, Nora - I apologize it came off that way. I absolutely believe the pain is real and I know it’s horrible for her to be in pain for a good part of the day.
I just meant I hate seeing her give up. She was a single mom for 5 years, it was just her and I. She remarried and had two sons - one of whom is somewhat low functioning autistic and can’t be by himself at home. She’s a strong woman that has been through a lot in her life. I know she has it in her to fight back and not let this fibro beat her. But some days it feels like she gives up. She won’t drive herself anywhere anymore. She’s afraid to leave the house by herself. She won’t go twenty steps into her sewing room to enjoy something she used to love. It just is so hard to see her sit in the chair and give in. That’s all I meant.
No amount of encouraging seems to help, so now I just call daily and let her vent. Living with three guys, she doesn’t feel like they listen to her. So I do. And just hope that one day out of seven, she has a good day where our whole conversation doesn’t revolve around negativity.
It sounds more like depression in my opinion. She's had a hard life and that can often manifest itself in a chronic pain condition in later life. Low mood and pain make withdrawal and apathy more acceptable to the sufferer but it's hard on you and you are bearing the brunt of her anger and distress.
Nora and glassgirl, both your stories sound familiar to me. I don't doubt in any way Mrs F's conditions. As I mentioned, I was there when each was diagnosed. Fibromyalgia was the most recent diagnosis. Mrs F had undergone an MRI scan to detect inflammation and that showed her rheumatoid arthritis to be in remission. Yet Mrs F was still having pain, I 'think' that's why fibro was diagnosed, in the absence of any other explanation. Is chronic fatigue syndrome the same? Because Mrs F had that for a long time, I remember our GP saying it was like a big bucket where they throw everything that doctors can't explain.
One thing the rheumatology consultant did say though, more than once, was exercise. Mrs F has attempted none.
She's made that lifestyle choice but it's only possible because you are there to tend to her every need. You can't force her to get out of bed though. It must be very frustrating when it's in her power to improve her physical-and her mental- health and it would benefit you so much too. Would it make any impact if you told her that being physically fitter would improve her ability to fight off covid?
Part of the problem with an auto-immune disease is that the steroids taken for it, usually prednisone, when taken over a long time, cause a lot of anger and depression. Thus the expression "roid rage". And then depression, especially long-term, also causes a lot of pain. She's on an anti-depressant right? What's her dosage?
Well, one of the reasons I like therapy for codependency so much is that it trains you to separate yourself from what you can't control. You can't control Mrs. FM's diseases or conditions, but you can learn to control your reactions to them.
Just reading through articles on co-dependency I can see myself being described under almost every symptom heading. Low self esteem (for sure), people pleasing (oh yes), poor boundaries (had to think about this one), reactivity, caretaking, control (not too sure about this one), dysfunctional communication (yep) and a few more.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/problems-of-codependents/ This feels more focused though especially this paragraph - So what is it? My definition is someone who has lost the connection to his or her core self, so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity, such as sex or gambling.
I just think it's a shame that you have got into this carer/invalid set-up. Does Mrs F ever look after you?
I'm certainly no expert on relationships but you do seem really down and resentful about how you are being treated. It would be so good if Mrs F could give something back. Has any doctor encouraged her to take to her bed?
I love these worksheets, FM.
https://livewellwithsharonmartin.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/how-to-avoid-codependency-worksheet.pdf
https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/2011-Patterns-of-Recovery-2015.pdf
(https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/2011-Patterns-of-Recovery-2015.pdf)
Thanks guys for your input. Anxiety is kicking in this evening, I think everything going on is beginning to tell. No doctor has told her to stay in bed Pulisa, though I suggested she shield so that's why she's upstairs all the time as of now. Under normal circumstances she would be down here at least some evenings.
MyNameIsTerry
19-11-20, 11:49
Hey Fishman, your favourite monster movie, Black Water, was on the horror channel early this morning. Did you catch it? They may show it again since they repeat a lot of films not long after in their movie seasons. I taped it for a watch based on your recommendation.
Also, since the BBC are now going woke with the fishing industry has Nic got to change your name to Fishperson? :roflmao:
Fishman, you are just protecting your loved ones. That's you and what you do.
But sometimes you need support.
There's nothing wrong with saying you need help, even to Mrs F. No matter how small her contribution it will help you and relieve you of the many tasks you have to do.
You do a wonderful job of caring for others, try to apply some of it to yourself. x
Pamplemousse
19-11-20, 13:35
In all of this, what news of your former daughter-in-law?
Hi guys and thank you for the supportive messages. PM - ex DIL has got to have a pacemaker fitted. She is in another ward now so out of danger I'm assuming. I'm also assuming the pacemaker fitting is the result of the cardiac event. She is only 41.
Mrs F has spoken with her friend on the phone. She has been offered treatment but the general consensus is that it won't prolong her life by much. So she's not having it which is understandable but very sad it goes without saying. I took the phone briefly and told her she was the loveliest woman I'd met. That may sound strange but there is nothing about her that you can dislike. She's very maternal, non-judgemental, I could go on. Like a few members on here when I come to think of it.
Carnation - thank you for your kind words. I was at my Dad's today paying his car tax and writing out a cheque for his carer. He's stubborn though and was trying to reach some pyrex dishes on top of the cupboards when he shouldn't have.
Terry - I didn't see that but I do recommend Black Water. I like those Aussie films. Fishperson sounds ok to me LOL. Will Fishmanpa become FishpersonGenderNonSpecific? :winks:
Hi Fish , our lives are so similar in many ways and the opposite in others but we share the problem of our anxiety making us try to stay in control of everything when much of it relies on other people helping themselves , my mother went down the invalid route very quickly and relied totally on my brother at the end , when I use to go round she would do more for herself sometimes surprising my brother that she could actually get up herself , the more you do the less they have to which ends up doing neither of you any favours , my partner is the opposite, although she is a big source of my anxiety because of her illness my problem is I try to get her not to do so much because it will make her ill or in more pain but her stubbornness to carry on regardless and pay later frustrates me beyond belief, Why won’t she listen ? , I guess this thought is with you most days at some point but we are all individuals and make our own decisions trying to control them into doing things our way is like p**sing in the wind , Ive sent myself into a tail spin so many times lately trying desperately to keep everyone happy and where does it get us ? In a bloody early grave probably.
You're a good man just trying your best but like people have told me many times you have to look after number one as well or what will they do without you ?
Take care buddy .
Hi Buster, I was only thinking about you the other day. Wondering how you were doing after everything you've been through. Yes its quite funny really because on your 'as good as it gets' thread, I'm telling you to do this and do that. And yet when it comes down to it, I'm doing just the same. We both need to take a step back if we can. It sounds easy when I type that out on here, but we really do need to. I went to fetch a Chinese tonight and really didn't want to be there. Mrs F was here in her bedroom and I resented the fact I'd done everything round the house.
But then I got home and found she'd ordered me a new exercise bike on the internet. You take care as well mate.
MyNameIsTerry
21-11-20, 07:01
^I'm not sure Viagra was quite what fishman had in mind. :ohmy:
:D
We all can dole out advice but it's often hard to readjust long term habits just like that..You both love and care deeply for your partners and only want the best for them. Maybe it's a question of caring too much and taking on too much emotional baggage which always has repercussions when you have an anxiety disorder? The irony is that both ladies would be alarmed if you both "stood back" and would wonder what was going on..
:D
We all can dole out advice but it's often hard to readjust long term habits just like that..You both love and care deeply for your partners and only want the best for them. Maybe it's a question of caring too much and taking on too much emotional baggage which always has repercussions when you have an anxiety disorder? The irony is that both ladies would be alarmed if you both "stood back" and would wonder what was going on..
True. The only way to really change the bad habits of a family system is to make the whole family aware of the problem, and from my experiences, into therapy.
They probably would Pulisa. Who's this organicspotify or whatever? Seems like he's following me around.
Anyway Mrs F has once again taken on the role of Mr Rochester's insane wife locked in the attic. She's implying that I told her she must shield upstairs. For the umpteenth time I've said she was given the option of staying up there, not an order, an option. But by being forced to stay up there, she can play the victim. There is no lock on the door, nothing at all preventing her from coming down here. So round and round the mind games go. At least its never boring? That has to be a plus.
that organicspotify was some spammer that put random links on everyone's threads last night.
They probably would Pulisa. Who's this organicspotify or whatever? Seems like he's following me around.
Anyway Mrs F has once again taken on the role of Mr Rochester's insane wife locked in the attic. She's implying that I told her she must shield upstairs. For the umpteenth time I've said she was given the option of staying up there, not an order, an option. But by being forced to stay up there, she can play the victim. There is no lock on the door, nothing at all preventing her from coming down here. So round and round the mind games go. At least its never boring? That has to be a plus.
Do you actually want her to isolate herself upstairs on a 24/7 basis?
Do you actually want her to isolate herself upstairs on a 24/7 basis?That's a good question Pulisa. When she's like this I'd have to say yes, but in the long run, no I don't.
That's a good question Pulisa. When she's like this I'd have to say yes, but in the long run, no I don't.
So when do you think it would be safe enough for her to come downstairs again?
So when do you think it would be safe enough for her to come downstairs again?Ideally when we have a vaccine but that could be next spring, so that option isn't realistic. There are no easy options, I don't like her shielding on the one hand because she's isolated. But then if she contracted covid with her comorbidities? The bottom line though is that I'm not keeping her there, she does have a choice and she's not stupid. She can weigh up the pros and cons herself and come to an informed decision. I would respect that decision but am aware I'm over protective at times.
It must suit her to stay upstairs though because otherwise she wouldn't stand for it.
My son works in a supermarket and he has chest, heart and kidney issues. He's obsessed with working though and would far rather take his chances with covid than isolate. He's not even bothered about catching it. I suppose he thinks if he caught it it would be in the line of duty, so to speak.
MyNameIsTerry
22-11-20, 08:56
that organicspotify was some spammer that put random links on everyone's threads last night.
Fishman got heroin, viagra and porn links. That's one hell of a night 'self isolating' :ohmy::blush:
Fishman got heroin, viagra and porn links. That's one hell of a night 'self isolating' :ohmy::blush:Terry, there's only one of those I've dabbled in :D
Terry, there's only one of those I've dabbled in :D
This has turned into a guessing game now? LOL
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