Hopelessness

[erincassells]

I'm not sure where to turn anymore, and for those hanging on by a thread...I'd suggest to not read.

I wake up every day terrified, feeling hopeless and just ready to give up completely. I'm 43 years old and have no children, not married and feel that my life has very little meaning. Desperately depressed and unsatisfied personally and professionally to a degree I've never felt. In years past, I had a sliver of something I could hang on to. My future doesn't give me that now. Terrified every day I won't make it to retirement. Terribly lonely, but no close friends within a thousand miles.

My strange health symptoms have not abated and have continued or worsened despite a very clean diet and vigorous fitness.

I'm gaining weight, my hair is falling out, I'm having severe bowel and digestive issues that don't respond to any changes I make. I have insomnia, heart palpitations, nausea, vertigo, paresthesia, tingling, anemia, and this general overall feeling of doom...with varied other strange symptoms. I don't want to seek anymore blood tests, doc appts, scans. I can barely stomach the idea of my upcoming mammogram that will find something as it does every couple of years.

Several people in my circle of friends and associates have died of cancer over the past three years.

All I want to do is sleep, yet I can't. Lunesta does not, nor other sleep meds work for me and have health consequences on their own. If it wasn't for my mom I am not sure I'd be able to hang on.

CBT isn't working for me because I simply don't believe it. I intrinsically believe deep inside that I am not good, nor meant to live a fulfilling life.

I wake up sick and force myself to come to work and be as positive as I can (responsible for many people), but I'm running out of the ability to continue.

Just can't do this anymore. So incredibly sad, lonely, scared and hopeless feeling that I don't know what to do anymore. Barely hanging on...and what for?

I feel I'm a failure of a human being.

[pb]

I'm not sure where to turn anymore, and for those hanging on by a thread...I'd suggest to not read.

I wake up every day terrified, feeling hopeless and just ready to give up completely. I'm 43 years old and have no children, not married and feel that my life has very little meaning. Desperately depressed and unsatisfied personally and professionally to a degree I've never felt. In years past, I had a sliver of something I could hang on to. My future doesn't give me that now. Terrified every day I won't make it to retirement. Terribly lonely, but no close friends within a thousand miles.

My strange health symptoms have not abated and have continued or worsened despite a very clean diet and vigorous fitness.

I'm gaining weight, my hair is falling out, I'm having severe bowel and digestive issues that don't respond to any changes I make. I have insomnia, heart palpitations, nausea, vertigo, paresthesia, tingling, anemia, and this general overall feeling of doom...with varied other strange symptoms. I don't want to seek anymore blood tests, doc appts, scans. I can barely stomach the idea of my upcoming mammogram that will find something as it does every couple of years.

Several people in my circle of friends and associates have died of cancer over the past three years.

All I want to do is sleep, yet I can't. Lunesta does not, nor other sleep meds work for me and have health consequences on their own. If it wasn't for my mom I am not sure I'd be able to hang on.

CBT isn't working for me because I simply don't believe it. I intrinsically believe deep inside that I am not good, nor meant to live a fulfilling life.

I wake up sick and force myself to come to work and be as positive as I can (responsible for many people), but I'm running out of the ability to continue.

Just can't do this anymore. So incredibly sad, lonely, scared and hopeless feeling that I don't know what to do anymore. Barely hanging on...and what for?

I feel I'm a failure of a human being.
Im so sorry that your feeling so desperate. Please reach out to someone and confide in how bad your feeling.
43 is not old and you have many years of life to live.
Would you be able to let a friend or your doctor know that you are feeling this way.
You are definitely not a failure, we all live our lives in different ways.
Please take care x

[NoraB]

Sorry you're struggling..

43 you say? It's possible that you are peri-menopausal - which would account for many of your symptoms?

RE the depression, what makes you think you're a bad person?

Re a fulfilling life? Our lives are what we make them. People can have everything they could possibly want but still be unhappy.
My idea of a fulfilling life used to be being a wife and a mother. The mother part was better than I ever imagined it would be. The marriage part gave me memories that I wish I didn't have. How could I possibly be happy with a head full of memories like that?

It took me 46 years to realise that fulfilment is finding joy all circumstances, and I was able to do that even when I was 100% certain I was dying of bowel cancer. Reason being that I chose to accept illness (and death) as part of life. I let go of my fears, and it's a mental shift that we are all capable of making..

Like you, I felt that bad stuff was what I deserved - especially because I seemed to attract so much of it. I allowed people's opinion of me to define who I was and the result was that I hated myself, and as long as you dislike yourself, life will always be shit.

You need to find a way to like, and love, who you are today, not to wait until you're well or thin or whatever. You have to learn to love yourself now - while you feel the way you do. Your body is working so hard for you to protect you. But you don't understand how the stress response works, and so you interpret this as your body working against you. Understanding the stress response was a game changer for me.

I've had a look at some of your other posts and I get that you have this cancer fear, and in your case, it's understandable, but, your relatives stories are not your story.

I have an increased ovarian cancer risk because of my mother and her sister (and reproductive cancers have killed off my maternal great grandmothers albeit in old age) I've done my worrying - decades of it. OC isn't a cert but even if I was to develop it - it didn't kill my mother or my aunty. When I thought I had bowel cancer, the night before my colonoscopy, I just let go of my fears and accepted death. That night I slept really well. Of course, I didn't have cancer. I had severe HA, and as it turned out - Fibromyalgia - but the fear of dying was gone. It's very much a control thing with me, as were my eating disorders because my world was chaotic and unpredictable. Some people don't cope well with unpredictability and I'm one of them, but I've still come to accept that I can't control illness or death. All I have is now, and it's up to me how I live this moment regardless of what's happening in my life. In this, I do have some control and I find that liberating.

In order to live, we must accept illness and death as part of life. Some people are lucky and don't get ill until they die. Others are not so lucky. But everything is down to mentality - even cancer. As I mentioned in a previous post - many people say that their cancer diagnoses actually improved their lives. People have packed in a lot of living in a few months as opposed to a lifetime of treading water, as it were. Illness and disease doesn't have to gloom and doom. The fact that it's universally not the case means that we can choose our attitudes even in the most testing of times.

Maybe it's psychiatric help you need at this point, rather than CBT?

You're clearly depressed, but I'm intrigued as to where the sense that you are a bad person has come from?

The fact that you made this post makes me think you want to live, just not like this, right?

I wanted to go once upon a time. For a short while, I wanted out, and that was all I could think of, but I came to my senses (or somebody up there brought me to them) and I went onto have a happier life. But I had to be proactive and make changes in order to achieve this.


Barely hanging on...and what for?

You're hanging on for better days, and they will come with a little professional support and a lot of effort and determination from you.

When you can find joy (no matter how small or seemingly insignificant) in even the darkest day - you've cracked this thing called life. X

[erincassells]

Thank you for your kindness, PB. My challenge is partly in that I don't have a friend that knows what is going on with me that I want to confide in, I am ashamed I guess. In my line of work after 22 years of service, you're almost not entitled to struggle in this way.

I appreciate you responding.

[erincassells]

Thank your for offering such a lengthy response, NoraB. Every single thing you and PB offered makes sense.

My depression has increasingly developed over circumstances in the past 10 years. Watching a lifelong best friend of mine die at an early age in her 40's was rough and I miss her still terribly, things became considerably worse for me then.

It's as if I just see the world differently now and the sense of hopelessness is just heavy in a way I don't know how to even express. I don't laugh the same and have a hard time finding joy in anything.

I will try to mull over both your and PBs sound advice. The challenge is convincing myself that I deserve better than what I'm experiencing right now and that feeling better is possible. It's very hard to imagine and see that right now

I appreciate your compassion very much. Best to you both.

[pulisa]

You are grieving, isolated and very low, erin. You haven't got the energy or motivation to imagine yourself in a "better" place, I should imagine?

I agree with Nora in that you need psychiatric help as opposed to CBT which mentally you can't access.

You have your mom to hang on for though and would this be enough for you to give yourself another chance and believe that you deserve to have a better quality of life? You are still only in your early forties and , although you can't see it because you are clinically depressed, you can't give up on yourself when you could turn your life around and learn to live again with the right help and support.

I can only express my empathy with how you are feeling and my hopes that things will get better very soon. Just words on a screen, I know, but very much meant.

[erincassells]

Thanks, Pulisa. I will continue to seek help, but I live in a very remote part of the country right now until I can retire if I make it there (2 years). Access to quality care is very very limited and difficult.

The symptoms are never ending with my stomach, bowels, sleep, etc. It adds to the hopelessness as it's a never ending cycle of what's next. I feel awful physically, mentally, spiritually...nothing offers comfort in any area of my life. There's simply no reprieve. Sometimes NMP gives me comfort, but then my symptoms just linger or get worse.

I couldn't bear to hurt my mom as I'm all she can count on, especially all she has done for me and her own struggles in life. I refuse to burden her with any of this as she's already lived a lifetime of struggling, despair and her own health issues.

[pulisa]

Thanks, Pulisa. I will continue to seek help, but I live in a very remote part of the country right now until I can retire if I make it there (2 years). Access to quality care is very very limited and difficult.

The symptoms are never ending with my stomach, bowels, sleep, etc. It adds to the hopelessness as it's a never ending cycle of what's next. I feel awful physically, mentally, spiritually...nothing offers comfort in any area of my life. There's simply no reprieve. Sometimes NMP gives me comfort, but then my symptoms just linger or get worse.

I couldn't bear to hurt my mom as I'm all she can count on, especially all she has done for me and her own struggles in life. I refuse to burden her with any of this as she's already lived a lifetime of struggling, despair and her own health issues.


She'll know exactly how you are feeling then and maybe just maybe it will help her to help you in any way she can...? I don't think you would be hurting her anyway. She may feel hurt that you haven't talked to her before because she is your mom and she knows you best of all..She would hate to not be given the chance to help you now..

[erincassells]

She supported me after a painful divorce in 2015 and although career wise I've had as much success as I could hope for...I've relied on her too many times to count for support in life. I just don't want to disappoint her or her to take blame because I'm a dysfunctional mess of a human being.

I've had to shut my office door at work off and on for days due to the tears, etc. I'm a wreck.

[Inanna]

Hi erin

i felt so sad when I read your post, I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug.

You won’t disappoint your mum, she loves you, and will always be there for you, it’s what mums do. I have two adult daughters and would walk over broken glass for them. My eldest daughter has needed a lot of support, and I will always help her in any way I can.

Inanna xx

[pulisa]

I don't believe that.

Support in life means support whenever. It's not qualified or quantified. Why should she be disappointed in you? You are human and in distress.

Just because you have a high powered job doesn't mean you're immune from the dark times. We all need help when things feel overwhelming. You haven't let her down.

You're not well and that's not your fault. No one will judge you-it happens to the strongest people who just can't take anymore. We all have our limits.

[pulisa]

And just to add that both my adult children have complex mental health issues and I would hate them to feel as if they were suffering alone. Please talk to her xx

[erincassells]

I would welcome that hug, Inanna. So scared and ashamed. Not sure how I ended up here at 43 years old. Thank you for your compassion.

[erincassells]

I look at it more that I owe her the effort of trying to sound okay to not make her worry about me at 67.

My career is not prestigious, but I feel guilty that I'm responsible for so many people and should have things figured out, but that secretly I'm a tragic mess. I don't know how to move forward. Just feel trapped and so many other emotions.

Thank you, Pulisa. Grateful for the responses today. Pretty rough day today, can't stop crying. Ugh.

[NoraB]

My depression has increasingly developed over circumstances in the past 10 years. Watching a lifelong best friend of mine die at an early age in her 40's was rough and I miss her still terribly, things became considerably worse for me then.

I understand you here too. My friend was 46 when she died..


The challenge is convincing myself that I deserve better than what I'm experiencing right now and that feeling better is possible. It's very hard to imagine and see that right now

Again, I understand you because I've experienced that bleakness and hopelessness that comes when contemplating a future when the present (and the past) is so hard to bear. But I'm happy now because I made changes. Nobody waved a magic wand and made things better, although I often wished they would. I decided one day that I'd had enough of being unhappy. I wanted to be happy andin order to be happy major changes had to be made and I was the only one who could make them.

You have your mum, and that means you have somebody. We're all here to listen too. You're not as alone as you think.

I got there in the end, and I'm sure that, with support, you will get there too. This is your story and you can absolutely change the script.

You deserve to be happy, so make it happen. X

[pulisa]

I look at it more that I owe her the effort of trying to sound okay to not make her worry about me at 67.

My career is not prestigious, but I feel guilty that I'm responsible for so many people and should have things figured out, but that secretly I'm a tragic mess. I don't know how to move forward. Just feel trapped and so many other emotions.

Thank you, Pulisa. Grateful for the responses today. Pretty rough day today, can't stop crying. Ugh.


It's a mother's role to worry about her children's mental wellbeing. I'm in my early sixties and have my own mental health challenges but I still deal 24/7 with my children's mental health and i'm still standing and not prepared to throw in the towel yet. Don't keep your mum in the dark over this. You know you want help..Please give her a chance to listen to you and to help?

[NoraB]

It's a mother's role to worry about her children's mental wellbeing. I'm in my early sixties and have my own mental health challenges but I still deal 24/7 with my children's mental health and i'm still standing and not prepared to throw in the towel yet. Don't keep your mum in the dark over this. You know you want help..Please give her a chance to listen to you and to help?

I agree with that, and I'll tell you why..

I couldn't talk to my parents about any of the crap things that happened to me. I was in my mid-thirties when I finally told my mum about the bullying I endured at school. This in comparison to what happened after school - was tame, but I will never forget the look of hurt on my mother's face. I mean, I get it now because I'm a mother too and I would be incredibly hurt if my children were going through something awful and didn't tell me - so, yes, let your mum in.

[lanerbanana]

hey there,

im not much good with words, but i definitely understand where you're coming from with how you feel. i just want you to know that you absolutely do not need to feel ashamed for being in distress. we are all human and we are not perfect machines. especially when we're under a large amount of stress. there's no shame in asking for help from your mother. you are NOT and you will never will be a burden, you matter just as much as anyone else should. your mother's love for you is apparent and i bet she would do whatever she could for you in a heartbeat if you let her in.

i know what it's like to feel shame for your lowest points. it seems like you might be giving yourself very, very high expectations of yourself and right now, you aren't in much of a good state at the moment and you can't achieve those personal expectations of yourself, thus making you feel like a mess and a failure. i will be the first one to say that i promise that you are not a failure. you are a human being who is in a lot of physical and emotional/mental discomfort and you need help, but are afraid of being an emotional burden on your loved ones by asking for help. (also by the way, im not sure if any of us have things truly "figured out" so please dont feel like you need to have everything in a neat pile now. i think you're doing well despite how you're feeling, i think you are very strong for keeping on)

i cant tell you how sorry i am that you had to go through what you went through. seeing a beloved friend of yours slowly pass in such a way can absolutely be traumatic for someone and you should not feel shame for that. trauma can affect us in many ways, both mentally and physically. there isnt anything wrong with how you process trauma. im not sure precisely how many of your physical symptoms might be caused by pre-menopause (like another friend on here said), something other than that or just strictly stress, but i'd be willing to wager a good amount of your symptoms are stress related. it wont kill you, but it feels like it will (and sometimes you wish it would).

i hope you're having a better day today. please try to take care of yourself, drink plenty of water (cliche i know but ice cold water is nice and makes you feel good and is good for you and you deserve that) and maybe practice some good self-care techniques. what do you like to do in your spare time? any hobbies that bring you comfort? :)

[carriewriting]

How are you today Erin? Don't be afraid to share, if anyone understands, it's us. I'm so glad you reached out. I very much relate to what you wrote about the feeling of doom and the overwhelm at feeling so out of control of mind and body. You are not alone x

[erincassells]

Thanks for the additional posts, was not aware of the last few and reading them takes a bit of the sting out of waking up to another day.

I'm trying hard to stay optimistic and find hope, but mostly my brain automatically goes to "This is it? I'll likely be dead by 50..."

Woke up with heart palpitations, severe constipation (fiber and water intake is good), have gained 2 more lbs the last few weeks, severely bloated, migraines. This is the next 10 years of my life, and then a likely terrifying diagnosis? Armpit and left breast bothering me for last week, my next annual mamm is in Feb. Brushful of hair this morning.

Have had a million blood labs drawn, a CT, 2 endoscopy, colonoscopy, a upper GI, abdominal and pelvic ultrasounds, mammograms.

Feel awful every day and nothing I do makes a difference. Absolutely nothing.

I will not continue to live this way. It's not worth it and I truly believe my best years are in the rear view.

[pulisa]

Has your thyroid function been tested? Sorry if it's a stupid question but hypothyroidism could be a possibility with your symptoms

[erincassells]

Yes, thanks for asking, Pulisa.

My ranges were clinically normal from my GP. Nearest endocrinologist is 2 hrs away and based on my labs, I don't show enough to qualify for a referral to be seen.