carriewriting
23-11-20, 08:07
So I am once again convinced I have a particular cancer that I cycle through a few times a year with my HA and quite often at this time of year.
Despite this prior knowledge and repeated instances being sure I had this thing over the years, the feeling that this time it's for real has been impossible to shake.
Too many years of Google results are sitting in my head like a HA wikipedia and I'm mentally checking off the symptoms one by one.
Note to the newbies, this is why NOT Googling is so important. Do not let these scary symptoms and stories into your brain.
Anywho, I am trying really hard to conquer my HA as after 15 years I am really quite sick of it (pun intended). I've got a new therapist and am trying a different kind of therapy that I think is my best chance of getting the root of my issues.
But with this glimmer of hope comes the insidious thought that just as I make a recovery from HA, the very thing I fear the most (cancer, neuro disease etc) will make its move and ruin everything. My self-sabotage is nothing if not predictable.
My CBT exercises are just not cutting the mustard with this go round of this cancer fear, so today I decided to just go with it and tell myself I'm right and I do have this cancer. Every time I catch myself worrying about a symptom I don't try to talk myself out of it, I just say, "yep, you're probably right, it's cancer"
Stressing about family coming for Christmas? Don't worry about it, you'll probably be having surgery.
Annoyed by someone at work? Don't worry about it, you'll be taking a big chunk of time off and maybe never coming back.
Freaked out by discovering I was wearing my work pass on my belt after looking for it for an hour with no memory of putting it on? No need to worry about dementia anymore.
I don't know if this reverse psychology is healthy, but it's been interesting. My brain is literally fighting itself. Every time I go with the fear, some other thought comes rushing in to counter it.
Anyone ever tried reverse psychology for health anxiety? I'm going to keep doing it until I see my therapist midweek to see how it plays out. At this point anything's worth a try.
Despite this prior knowledge and repeated instances being sure I had this thing over the years, the feeling that this time it's for real has been impossible to shake.
Too many years of Google results are sitting in my head like a HA wikipedia and I'm mentally checking off the symptoms one by one.
Note to the newbies, this is why NOT Googling is so important. Do not let these scary symptoms and stories into your brain.
Anywho, I am trying really hard to conquer my HA as after 15 years I am really quite sick of it (pun intended). I've got a new therapist and am trying a different kind of therapy that I think is my best chance of getting the root of my issues.
But with this glimmer of hope comes the insidious thought that just as I make a recovery from HA, the very thing I fear the most (cancer, neuro disease etc) will make its move and ruin everything. My self-sabotage is nothing if not predictable.
My CBT exercises are just not cutting the mustard with this go round of this cancer fear, so today I decided to just go with it and tell myself I'm right and I do have this cancer. Every time I catch myself worrying about a symptom I don't try to talk myself out of it, I just say, "yep, you're probably right, it's cancer"
Stressing about family coming for Christmas? Don't worry about it, you'll probably be having surgery.
Annoyed by someone at work? Don't worry about it, you'll be taking a big chunk of time off and maybe never coming back.
Freaked out by discovering I was wearing my work pass on my belt after looking for it for an hour with no memory of putting it on? No need to worry about dementia anymore.
I don't know if this reverse psychology is healthy, but it's been interesting. My brain is literally fighting itself. Every time I go with the fear, some other thought comes rushing in to counter it.
Anyone ever tried reverse psychology for health anxiety? I'm going to keep doing it until I see my therapist midweek to see how it plays out. At this point anything's worth a try.