View Full Version : Continuing struggle with depression
Karen
I wouldnt expect you to discuss it on here but if you do ever want to talk about it you know you can email, pm or text me if i can help.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks Sal. I appreciate it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Things will get better and i will help you all the way hon.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks Sal. Maybe if I could sleep properly for a change it might help a little. I'm so tired I feel like I could sleep for a week but I can't actually stay asleep when I go to bed.
I hope K will be in touch tomorrow and everything will seem a bit better.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I hope she will get in touch tomorrow. You know when i offered for you to come up and have some time out with a computer by your bed i meant it. As i am off work, that maybe will help. I will be here but not in your way. A break might do you good and the invitation is always here.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
It is a really kind offer and I know you meant it. I don't think I'm up to it at the moment though and there is all the travelling and someone to look after my cats. Plus you already have more than enough on your plate right now.
I really appreciate the offer though.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
It still stands if you need time away.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
I still can't sleep. I've been awake all night and have tried to sleep a couple of times but I just keep thinking about K and I can't switch off. I don't want to be awake, this waiting is around to see if she replies today is agony.
I'm tired and I really want a decent amount of sleep for a change.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Really sorry you havent had any sleep, i know how hard it is without sleep. You must be exhausted.
Would you not fall asleep watching TV?
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Karen
How are you today?
Hope you have managed a little sleep
Take care
Elaine x
Hi Sal and Elaine
Trying to sleep watching the TV doesn't help Sal. Nothing seems to help me sleep. I did finally get off to sleep for an hour or so but no matter how tired I am, I wake again and can't get back off to sleep.
I've only just got out of bed because I don't want to face the day. Have been trying to sleep more but it's not happening.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Have you tried anything like Nytol to help you sleep, they are herbal but can't be taken with other medication.
Just a thought.
Take care
Elaine x
Hi Karen
Surely or hopefully you will get some sleep your body cant survive without it.
Catch up with you later.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Elaine
Yes I've tried Nytol along with several other herbal sleep remedies. Nothing seems to help.
I either can't sleep because of all the thoughts going round in my head, or I go off to sleep and then wake again fairly soon due to a nightmare and can't go off again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Ah well! I'll have to come up with another invention then, got my thinking cap on, watch this space!
Take care
Elaine x
hi karen sorry to hear your having it bad again today
is there any news on the gp as it seems to me you really do need some proffessional help it has gone on too long you trying to get better on your own and now is obvious it is not working, i know it might not be what you want really but i think you do need it and it doesnt have to be long term, your body must be screaming now with lack of sleep and no food so no wonder you cant feel anything but bad try chase up the swapping of the gp and see how it goes
fan x
Hi Karen
How are you feeling this evening? Have you been round to your dads for tea?
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Elaine
Thanks. I really appreciate the suggestions. I'll be really grateful if anyone comes up with something that helps. I know lack of sleep isn't helping the way I'm feeling at the moment.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Fan
I don't know what is happening about changing doctors at the moment. My therapist was going to contact me last week about this but didn't. She is away most of this week so I can't do anything about it until Monday at the earliest. I have an appointment to see her on Thursday next week and I really doubt I will find anything out until then.
I know lack of sleep is making things worse and would like to get something to help with this but can't do anything until I see my therapist again. I feel too scared to see my current doctor and I really don't want to go anywhere near a doctor at all.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Sal
I haven't been round to Dad's tonight and I am relieved that I've managed to avoid it for another week. He has a cold so I used that as an excuse not to go.
Although I feel really bad that I am always trying to avoid seeing him, I know that I can't really cope with seeing him at present.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen , try lavendar oil on your pillow or get some plug in one maybe in your bed room
do you do the warm bath , milky drink stuff to try relax you or maybe the radio on low might slow your mind
fan x
nomorepanic
09-03-05, 20:08
Karen
I am still reasearching sleep and have 4 books on the subject now lol.
I will get the new page on the site when I can.
Nicola
Hi Fan
Yes, I've tried all of those things. Nothing seems to work.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks Nic. I will be interested to know what your research yields.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
You and i know you need some sleep but how we get there is a different story. I reckon Fans adive was good, but you have to agree to it.
Karen you cant carry on how you are and need some quality sleep, how about looking at the short term measures a doctor could give you. If you carry on how you are you are going to suffer long term.
Wish i had more answers hon but you need to get some sleep to function. What has K said about your lack of sleep.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I know I need some sleep and that this isn't helping the way I'm feeling at the moment. However, I'm too scared to go to see my doctor without someone to speak up for me and also I am not at all comfortable with the doctor I'm with at the moment.
I can't do anything about this until I hear from or see my therapist as she is looking into changing to a female GP and also said she would come to an appointment with me. K agrees with this. She agrees I need some quality sleep but she also understands why I am too scared to go to the doctors alone and that I'm not able to fight my own corner right now.
I suppose I will have at least another week of this until I see my therapist again next Thursday.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Could Jac not go with you. I know you dont see uour consellor for another week but how you are at the moment i truly think that is too long. You need the support now hon.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
Jac would go with me but I need someone who won't let the doctor push me into something I don't want and I think my therapist is the best person to help me with that. She wanted to discuss some other forms of help too, although I am still very scared about that.
I'll have to wait for my therapist.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Okay hon
Hope she can help but you need to get some sleep and if i can help anyway will
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Karen,
Sorry I haven't posted to you for a while. I have been following your posts.
You wrote that your problems with sleep centre round either not being able to sleep because you can't switch off the thoughts, or falling asleep & waking soon after due to nightmares.
With the first of these--I guess that this is where relaxation comes into its own---the sort of stuff that Fan suggested. I know that you said this doesn't work but maybe you have to keep trying it---it won't do you any harm, & might eventually help you.
With the second involving the nightmares---with the almost absolute lack of sleep that you are having--nature has to eventually take over & you would fall asleep again, if you allow it to happen.
I'm sure that reads like a wierd thing for me to say--if you allow it to happen! But two things crossed my mind---
The first---you spend your days waiting for messages from K---which must wind you up, you are in a constant state of alertness over this one issue---so all the daytime hours, you wait---& on any day you will only receive a maximum of one message from her. That's an awful lot of hours worrying & obsessing about one thing--& it never gives you a chance to 'wind down'. So, of course, when you get to bed you either can't sleep or soon wake up again---both, no doubt, related to what you
have worried about all day.
Linked with this & a kind of side thought---are you afraid of "missing something"? (Bet you are thinking--why does this woman keep asking me all these strange questions!). You spend your days waiting & looking for something. You aren't switching that off even once you have had a message from K---she doesn't send messages at night I assume---so you don't need to worry that she might & you'd miss it.
The second thought---Do you think/feel that you don't deserve to sleep?
You have often posted that you think you are a 'terrible person' & 'deserve all the bad feelings'. (We all know that you are not--you are a very caring & helpful person who needs help & support right now---& there are good reasons why you feel the way you do---& not one of the reasons has anything to do with anything you've done or should blame yourself for). But do you feel you have no right to sleep because you believe you are undeserving of feeling well & ok?
Not sleeping & not eating are going to make you very ill in the end---& in the meantime they are going to make you feel dreadful---& you "prove" to yourself once again that you must be an awful person to feel as bad as you do.
I understand that the food issue is a form of control. Is the inability to establish a sleep pattern a form of control too?
I'm sure that your new therapist is good but she seems to be very busy & has already swopped & postponed your appointments more than once. I feel that you possibly need more stability & frequency with the appointments---especially as the only help you are getting right now is from therapist.
Thinking of you.
Linda. x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Hi Linda
It is true that I spend a lot of the day obsessing about K in one way or another. I'm either waiting for a message from her, which leads to me continually checking the forum, or if she has already sent me a message early in the day I am thinking about what she's said and also the next day and whether I'll have any contact with her then.
When I don't hear from her and don't see her online anywhere that is when I have the fears of her being hurt, which leads to more anxiety and more checking. The most relief I get from this is at night when I am able to tell myself that she is safe at home.
As you also say, I don't have any expectations that I might hear from her at night either and so am not on edge so much thinking that I might miss her. I know her message would still be there anyway but I still feel the need to check on her during the day.
I realise that everything that is going on in my head about this all day leads to dreaming and nightmares. However, I also have nightmares related to PTSD.
I'm not sure about worrying I am missing something. In a way yes because I look out for her during the day. But also I feel a lot more anxious and down during the day if I have not heard from her and would prefer to be able to sleep through the day to escape my thoughts and feelings. I'm not able to though.
I do like to keep an eye on her forum to answer posts and look out for any problems that occur there. It gives me something to do and helps me feel useful on there. I suppose this is something I think about a lot too.
As to feeling like I don't deserve to sleep, I hadn't actually thought of that. I often feel like I don't deserve to eat and this is one of several reasons for my issues with food, along with control, but I don't think the same applies to sleep. I think it is just a case of too many thoughts in my head to get to sleep and then nightmares waking me.
I will admit that the situation with my therapist is not helping in a way at the moment. I cope best with routine and stability and things with her have been a bit up in the air recently. However, she was recommended to me and I am pinning a lot on her being able to help me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
How are you feeling today? Did you manage to get much sleep?
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I didn't get much sleep. I had a couple of hours so I suppose that was better than nothing. It didn't help that I've been worrying about someone on my other forum who is in a bad way and struggling, so I couldn't settle for wondering if she was ok.
I've been trying to keep busy today and have been out for a short walk. I was worried about bumping into my neighbour again so I couldn't wait to get home again. I've also been doing some tidying up round the house and some housework.
I can't say I'm feeling good, but I'm not feeling quite so despairing as I have been the last couple of days.
How are you today?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Even feeling a little better that you have is good hon. I am pleased you have been out for a walk and kept yourself busy.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
hi karen great to hear that you have been out and also busy round the house........that is a big leap from being unable to even bother to get dressed which is the point you were at before, what made today so different for you? so that you not only got up and dressed but left the house? can you maybe try take some of whatever thoughts or whatever motivated you today and try do the same tomorrow rather than slipping back into one good day one bad try aim for 2 good days like you had today
fan x
Hi Fan
It was K that has made today so different. When I got up this morning she had already replied and it just made such a difference to the rest of the day. Usually I feel there is nothing to get up for and find it difficult to get motivated.
I'm just taking today as it comes and trying not even to think about tomorrow or I might start bringing myself right back down again with worry about whether or not I will hear from her.
As for using this to help me feel motivated tomorrow, I don't really see how I can do that. It all relies on K and what she does. She is the only reason I have felt a bit better today.
Thanks for your message Sal.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
maybe message her and tell her what a good day you had and explain it was because you had the mail from her without waiting around she could maybe mail you early often then
fan x
**I'm just taking today as it comes and trying not even to think about tomorrow**
Wow !! Very well done Karen - there's a bit of doing it differently if ever I saw it.
Thanks Meg. Note the operative word is "trying" but so far so good!
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Fan: I will no doubt tell her that I've had a better day today and that it is because she sent me a message early this morning. However, I'm not sure she will be able to agree to write to me early every day, and I'm not sure it is even fair to ask.
I know she is busy and has other commitments. She has already told me that she cannot promise to write every day and so I doubt she could commit to promising to make her messages to me first thing in the morning.
This would make a big difference to me if I knew if and when I would hear from her, but I've had this discussion with her many times and it is true what she says about me needing to learn to accept uncertainty. At the moment I don't cope with uncertainty well and feel I need structure and routine, but I can't ask for what she is not able to provide.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
try to maybe do things in between waiting for her mail tell yourself
when i have.............. whatever (showered, been to the shop etc) i will see if i got mail if not do another chore/task then try wait say 15 mins then look again
you say you need structure and routine so try getting this from the every day tasks and then check the mail, do your stuff at the same time every day if possible then you will have a routine of some sorts
fan x
Karen,
That's great news that you have managed to keep busy doing stuff around the house & go for a walk today. Even though you weren't feeling too good, you still did these things--that's a big step even if it doesn't feel like it is. And you've been living today & trying not to worry about tomorrow---you've been trying---& that's excellent.
Linda. x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Hi Fan
I've tried to do this kind of thing before but it doesn't help and I find it impossible to control my need to keep checking.
The problem is that when I find she hasn't been in touch I get so distressed and quickly sink into a pit of despair. It sets the tone for the whole day. I feel increasingly depressed and anxious as the day wears on.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
10-03-05, 22:01
Karen
What would happen if you had a power cut for eg. I am sure you would find a way to cope. K has not given you any phone numbers to call on so you would have to cope then.
I know it sounds hard but I think you would cope fine and you may be surprised by that.
Nicola
Hi Nic
If there was a power cut I would panic, just like I have when I've lost my internet connection before. I wouldn't cope without having contact with her. I don't even want to think about being cut off from her. Something like that would be too much to cope with. It would push me over the edge.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
try tell yourself you had a great day today and tomorrow will be good too, just before you go to bed if you get some positive thoughts into your head even if you cant keep to them it might lift your mood
did you eat anything today yet?
fan x
Hi Fan
I was feeling better earlier but I'm starting to feel really down again now.
Yes I have eaten.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
try put some music on wind down dont let the bad feelings take over,,,,,,,,,you might sleep better if your calm too
fan x
hi karen hope your having a good day today
fan x
Hi Karen
How are you getting on today, hope you are feeling a bit better.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Fan
I'm feeling quite low again today. I had only been asleep for half an hour when I woke from a particularly nasty nightmare and even though I know it was only a dream, it is playing on my mind. It seemed all my fears combined in this dream and it also keeps a harrowing memory in my mind which I would rather forget.
I've been trying to find the motivation and energy to get up and dressed for the past few hours and have only just managed to get out of bed. I know I should try to get dressed and get out of the house, even for a short walk but I'm finding it impossible to do at the moment.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Sorry to hear you are not having a good day. I know it is hard but maybe a short walk just to get yourself out of the house, then i am sure after you have done it you will be proud that you pushed yourself.
Will be in touch later.
Take care.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
sorry your not feeling too well try just standing at the door and taking in some fresh air also make sure you have a little something to eat even though you might not feel like it
fan x
Hi Karen
I hope you are doing okay this evening and not feeling as bad as you were earlier.
Take care.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I'm still not feeling good. I did push myself to go out for a short walk, just round the block, not that it helped. I'm still feeling upset about the nightmare and can't get it out of my head. I seem to be feeling worse as the hours pass.
Also I have spent the past couple of hours posting with someone who is talking about killing herself, and someone else I have had regular dealings with has just told me she has taken a small overdose. I can't abandon these people and I want to help. I just don't know if I have enough to give at the moment.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
11-03-05, 21:48
Karen
I think the other forum is hard work for you too - cos I know you want to help and they seem much more desperate on there than here. Sorry you have to deal with all that as well but I am sure you are a BIG help to them all and they must appreciate you.
I have been having really odd dreams/nightmares recently and they played on my mind all the next day so I DONT know what they mean. There must be a reason behind it cos these people are from my past when I was about 18 so I don't know why they are in my mind now!
Hope tomorrow is kinder on you.
x
Nicola
Thanks Nic.
I do spend a lot of time replying to posts on my other forum. People there do tend to be more desperate as although it covers lots of different conditions, the depression section is very busy with lots of posts. I do what I can to help. I want to help people if I can. I just sometimes wonder if what I'm doing is good enough or does actually help anyone.
Dreams are meant to be metaphors for what goes through our minds through the day; for those things we spend time ruminating about but not actually solving. I know why I'm having these nightmares and especially the one last night. It is still upsetting though and I'm finding it difficult to stop thinking about it now.
I hope your cold is a bit better tomorrow. Thanks for your support.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
U Ok ?
Always here
Elaine x
nomorepanic
11-03-05, 22:24
Karen
Sorry I said "so I know what you mean." and I meant to say "so I dont know what they mean." slip of the fingers there. blame it on the cold. I corrected it now and it reads better.
I hate colds cos you cant cure them and I had plans for this weekend that are now out of the scope unless I am cured by tomorrow!
I have no idea why I dreamt about these people from my very distant past but I seem to be having lots of weird dreams at the moment. Strange isn't it?
Nicola
Hi Nic
It's ok I got what you meant.
I hate colds too because you just have to put up with them and wait for them to go. Sorry about your plans for tomorrow.
Dreams are weird, especially when you can't figure out where they stem from. Lots of people try to work out the meanings behind them but I think everyone's dreams mean something to the individual that others wouldn't be able to figure out. I had only been asleep for half an hour when the nightmare woke me and then I was so upset I couldn't get off to sleep again for ages.
Thanks Elaine. I replied to your PM.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
11-03-05, 22:37
Karen
I keep dreaming about people that aren't in my life anymore and I have no idea why I would even be thinking about them. These are people from my school days!!!
I am not worried as such but trying to think why they would be on my mind - can't work it out though.
The mind is so powerful and weird isn't it - just does its own thing.
Nicola
It sure is strange Nic. Probably the more time you are spending trying to work out why these people are on your mind, the more likely you are to dream about them again!
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Well done you getting out for a short walk.
Dreams are really strange and i know if i dwell on something during the day it can turn into a nightmare. I just hope eventually we can see you getting some quality sleep.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
nomorepanic
11-03-05, 22:47
Well that is the thing - I don't. The next day I dream about something completely different. Must be the night nurse I am taking lol.
Nicola
Weird isnt it Nic, at moment i keep dreaming about work as that is bothering me.
Karen, you do need some sleep and you know that you cant carry on with how you are. I hope your counsellor can get you to see a doctor and explain how you feel. Professional help is needed here and as much as we can help we can.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks Sal. I guess I will have to wait until Thursday when I see my therapist to find out what is happening about the doctor. I really do need some proper sleep without nightmares.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
You do need some sleep but we all know it isnt going to happen all over night.
Hope you are feeling a bit better today and managed to get some sleep.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I had a couple of hours sleep this morning, but I had the same nightmare again. I suppose it was inevitable as it had been playing on my mind so much.
I'm not feeling too good today, feeling rather low again but I've been out into town. It was really hard to push myself to go out when I didn't even want to get out of bed again.
Feeling rather panicky about the situation with K at the moment. I'm trying to change the way I write to her but it is making me feel like I'm losing her and the temptation is for me to try to cling on tighter.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Well done Karen for going out into town.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
hi karen was great to see you busy posting last night hope it managed to keep your mind busy and helped you feel calm
fan x
Hi Karen
How are you today?
Glad to see you made an effort to go to town yesterday, well done you.
Take care
Elaine x
hi karen lovely day today i hope you manage to get out for a short while
fan x
Hi Karen
Hope you are doing okay today. It was great to talk to you last night and you seemed a lot more confident on the phone that you have before.
So well done you.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Karen
I hope you have had a good day. I see you havent been on the site so hopefully you have had a constructive day.
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Love Sal xxx
Hi everyone
Thanks for your messages. I've been kept rather busy on my other forum and have only just managed to get on here. Unfortunately, the girl who is having a difficult time at the moment is really struggling today and I've been posting with her for the past couple of hours. I'm rather concerned about her again.
I didn't get to sleep until about 10am and had a couple of hours. I didn't get up until late as I was trying to sleep some more but couldn't.
Didn't really feel like doing anything today but went outside and cleaned the car. Another of my neighbours came over to talk to me on her way home and despite starting to panic and wanting to get away, I did my best to talk for a bit. She did most of the talking.
I heard from K this morning so I'm not having too bad a day.
It was nice talking to you last night Sal. Thanks for ringing.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
No problem if you want to talk i am always here.
Well done for getting out and cleaning the car and talking to your neighbour plus you have helped someone on the other site, so seems i was right in saying you have had a constructive day.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Karen
I am off to bed soon, hope you manage to get a bit of sleep, you must be so tired by now.
Maybe try the earlier night approach and give yourself more time to fal asleep.
Text me if you need me. Will text you tomorrow and call you if you are up to talking.
Take care.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Thanks Sal. I hope you sleep well and your back improves tomorrow.
I try to go to bed earlier but don't sleep and end up getting up again. Just one of those things I have to put up with at the moment. I am tired though.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Glad to see you had a good day yesterday, you seem a little brighter the last couple of days, hope it continues.
Onwards and upwards eh !!!
Take care
Elaine x
Hi Karen
I hope you got some sleep last night and are feeling okay today.
Take care.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi karen glad you had a good day hope it continues as lainey says you seem much brighter recently hope it carrys on this way for you
fan x
Sorry guys but I'm feeling really bad today and not coping at all. I haven't heard from K and there is no sign of her anywhere. I'm panicking that something has happened to her and she is hurt or even worse. I have to keep checking to see whether she has been online.
I don't know what I would do without her. I can't think straight and I can't handle the way I'm feeling. I don't want to do anything. All I want and need is to hear from her and know that she is ok.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I'm sure k is ok, she's probably just busy.
She is not hurt in any way.
I'm sure you will hear from her soon.
Take care chuck
Elaine x
I'm trying to believe that Elaine but I just can't stop thinking that something awful has happened to her. I really don't cope when I don't hear from her and it is really unusual that she is not around on any site.
I'm not coping at all today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
What a disappointment when you have had a few good days. K probably has something organised today if you havent seen her on the site. I am sure she will be fine.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Sal
Thanks. Still no sign of her. I haven't hardly moved from here all day. I can't stop looking out for her and I can't relax until I know she is OK.
My head is a completely mess and I'm not able to think straight at all. I feel so bad I don't know what to do.
I'm also posting with the girl on my other forum again who is really bad and suicidal but I'm feeling in such a mess myself I don't even know if I am helping or saying the right things.
I just want today to be over.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
Sorry that today has been so miserable for you---& a shame after a better & brighter weekend.
I'm sure that K is fine & just very busy. She'll be in touch with you soon.
Linda. x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Karen
K will be fine but how you are feeling do you think you should be giving so much energy to someone as vunerable as her. I am not been hard but you need to think of yourself. I will text you and if you are up to talking i will call you.
You need to sort yourself before you take on this much pressure.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
im behind sal with that one......ok the girl on the other forum needs help but i dont feel your in a position where you can shoulder the responsibilities your struggling to cope from one day to the next and something has got to give,
on another note you have had no contact with "k" today and although you might feel the day has been hell you have survived it, and your still here so take that on board that although you feel good when you hear from her you can also scrape through the day without her
hope tomorrow is kinder to you karen
fan x
Karen will text you to see how you are okay.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Karen
How are you doing today. Sorry didnt send you a text but my battery went dead. Will be ini touch today.
Take care and i hope you managed to get some sleep.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi karen hope you having a better day
fan x
Hi Karen
How are chuck?
It was nice to chat last night in the chatroom.
let us know how you are as we all care about you mate.
Take care
Elaine x
Hi everyone
Thanks for your messages. I am feeling a little better than yesterday, which isn't difficult really as I couldn't feel much worse. I had a message from K this morning and she is fine, much to my relief.
However, she has warned me that she is away for the day tomorrow and so this is making me still feel quite low and panicky about how I am going to cope tomorrow. At least she has forewarned me and so I should hopefully be able to control my anxieties about her being hurt, but I know it will still be a very difficult day and all I want to do is sleep through it until Thursday when hopefully I will hear from her again. Some hope though with the way I sleep. I'm lucky if a manage a couple of hours.
I realise I ought to be concentrating on today and not thinking about tomorrow until it comes round, but I can't help it. All I can think about is how many hours I have to survive until I have contact with her again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen glad your feeling ok
would it help if maybe me or sal messaged you in the place of "k" on the days she cant .i know it wouldnt be the same but you could maybe transfer your thoughts to waiting for "that" mail...........not sure if i made sense there
fan x
Hi Fan
Thanks for the offer to message me instead of K on the days she can't. What you've said does make sense, it is just that nothing else makes up for missing out on contact with K. I hope you can understand that. I suppose it is one of the signs that this is obsession because she is all I can think about and I only feel alright when I am in contact with her.
This is why I know that tomorrow is going to be so difficult, just as it is every other time I have no contact with her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
thats ok karen it was just a thought that maybe you could tell yourself ............"im not going to hear from "k" but am gonna hear from whoever so i have to get up and see if i have mail"
fan x
Hi Karen
Sorry today has been a rough one and not hearing from K wont have helped but latch on to what Fan says and there are other people who care and are keeping in contact with you. You know K wont respond all the time but people on here will always be in contact.
Just got your text and tomorrow i am not doing anything so lean on me and i dont mind.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
I really appreciate it Fan and I would reply if you messaged me, it is just that K is the only one that I feel the desperate need for contact with.
When I hear from her I'm OK and on days with no contact I feel really depressed.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks Sal. I did hear from K today, but am feeling down because she warned me she is not around tomorrow, so I know it is going to be a bad day and I feel there is nothing to look forward to.
Just feel like I want to stay in bed and sleep the day away - that's if I could sleep. It is such a long time until Thursday.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Dont worry Karen I will help you get through the day. Text me and i will call you, you honestly dont need to get through tomorrow alone as i am at home all day.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi again............you say you feel you have nothing to look forward to
of course you have you can come on here we will be on and can help jolly you along help you get through the day
fan x
Hi Karen
You will get through tomorrow as we will all help you, take it hour by hour and before you know it the day will have passed.
take care
Elaine x
bluebottle
15-03-05, 22:51
Hi Karen,
I've something you may like to think about. Its called Adhesive identification and Projective identification. Basically adhesive identification is an over attachment to an object/person.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Projective identification is commonly recognized as a primitive defense. In group work with ego-impaired preadolescent boys with significant environmental deficits, projective identification is used to communicate a need for a relationship previously unavailable to them. These boys project unwanted aspects of themselves in order to have them contained by the therapist. They induce feelings in the therapist in order to share their internal experience. As the feelings are modified by the therapist and reintrojected by the boys, the boys receive the parenting they missed and are able to form more stable attachments.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Regards,
Blue
--
"If I never take this leap of faith I'll never know
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow"
http://spaces.msn.com/members/enigmapark/
Thanks Blue. Can I ask where you found that information?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks Fan, Sal and Elaine. I really appreciate your support. I know I will get through the day somehow. I just know I will feel really distressed and miserable.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
15-03-05, 23:02
I have a friend who is a therapist and they told me of it and the quote was from a website I found.
Regards,
Blue
--
"If I never take this leap of faith I'll never know
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow"
http://spaces.msn.com/members/enigmapark/
Thanks Blue. I'll do some searching to see if I can find some more info.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
15-03-05, 23:07
Your welcome Karen, I hope it helps as we all care about you.
Regards,
Blue
--
"If I never take this leap of faith I'll never know
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow"
http://spaces.msn.com/members/enigmapark/
I'm having a bad time today. I have been awake all night and still can't sleep. I can't stop the thoughts going round in my head or the churning feelings inside because I'm without K today. I'm not handling it well. I just want to block it all out and sleep until tomorrow when she is back.
Don't know what to do to get through today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Firstly, you should try and get some sleep if you can even if you only get an hour. Then get up and get dressed, if not for yourself then for K, then see if you can go for a walk around the block, small steps taken hour by hour and you will get through this, we are all here for you today post your thoughts as often as you like.
Take care
Elaine x
hi karen try do at least something today tthen you can tell "K" some positive stuff tomorrow which will make her feel that her support is working
fan x
Sorry I haven't felt like doing anything. I'm feeling so low. All I feel like doing is crying all the time but I'm not able to cry. I couldn't sleep and have just stayed in bed all day. I feel absolutely terrible and can't cope with this.
I know doing something to have something positive to tell K would please her but I don't feel like I can do it. I know I am letting her down. I really don't know why she bothers with me. I don't know how to even get through one day without her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Just think Karen you are already half way through the day and although you feel awful you are managing to get through it even if you don't think you are, if that makes any sense!
She bothers with you beacuse she cares about your wellbeing like we all do, just look forward to tomorrow when you will get contact.
Take care
Elaine x
Thanks Elaine. I am looking forward to tomorrow when hopefully I will have some contact with her. I'm just finding today really difficult.
Unfortunately it isn't even half way through my day because I'm unable to sleep and spend all night awake all the time now. I had no sleep last night and only managed perhaps an hour this morning. I'm feeling physically and emotionally wiped out but still can't sleep, in spite of being in bed most of the day.
Tomorrow can't come soon enough for me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen .......you say you cant sleep even when you are in bed all day so maybe you need to get up and potter about a little, if you just lie in bed you are not doing anything to tire yourself out and all though you feel shattered this wont help you sleep
your mind is the same it needs something to occupy it in order that it functions properly and then will let you know when your tired
fan x
Hi Fan
I've been up for a few hours now. I have only been sitting at the computer and have been on the other forum most of the time. I have a bit of a situation on there at the moment that I'm trying to sort out.
It doesn't seem to matter if I do more or not, I still am unable to sleep.
Am feeling worse at the moment because K although K is back and has posted on the forum, she didn't answer my message. So I'm now even more upset.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Sorry today has been so hard, but K has posted on the other forum so you know she is home and everything is okay.
You know she will get in touch hon.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi karen..........you did well to even get up never mind posting on the other forum too
dont forget that "K" said she wouldnt message today anyway but the fact you seen her on there shows she is fine now you can look forward to her mail tomorrow
fan x
I had hardly any sleep again last night and am feeling pretty tired. I have an appointment with my therapist this morning though so had to get up anyway and have to leave soon to make the journey there.
I really do hope that I hear from K today. The way I'm feeling at the moment I just can't cope if I have no contact from her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen
Well done for getting up and sorted to go and see your therapist, hope it goes well. I am sure you will hear from K today and you can post her and maybe offer her some positive feedback after your session today.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi karen, let us know how it goes with the therapist
fan x
Hi karen
Hope everything goes well with the therapist, let us know how you get on.
Take care
Elaine x
How was your session with the therapist Karen?
Hi everyone
It wasn't very good news from my therapist today. One of the first things she said to me was that she hasn't seen me make any progress and is not sure it is worth me continuing to see her. I felt totally devasted as I feel that yet someone else is giving up on me and what is the point of even trying anymore. It seems like I am destined to remain like this for the rest of my life and no one can help.
She told me that she is usually making a difference to her clients by now but my thought patterns are so deeply entrenched that nothing she is doing is making any difference. She also said that nothing K does makes any difference either and I am now panicking that she might give up on me too, even though she has said that is with me all the way.
We talked for a while and she said she is not really sure where to go next as nothing is going to make a difference all the time I'm so isolated and my basic needs are not being met. Also she talked about my physical condition and how this needs to improve before any therapy will really help.
She made a couple of phone calls to doctors surgeries while I was there but they have all closed their books to new patients, so she phoned the PCT and I have to write in to them and request a female doctor. I will do this but I'm still too scared to go through the NHS for these problems.
In the end my therapist gave me some tasks to do and said she will be in touch in a couple of days and we can discuss whether I should have another appointment with her or not.
She also told me that I have to start making more effort and it has to start coming from me. I'm feeling so despondent now. It is just so hard with the number of different issues I'm trying to deal with at the same time and I'm upset that she doesn't think I'm trying. K has been telling me she is pleased with the amount of effort I'm putting in. I trust her more than anyone.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
Sorry to hear that things didn't go too well with your therapist today. You say that it is hard for you to make progress because of the amount of issues that need addressing. Maybe you could take them one at a time..ie you could spend the first week concentrating on your eating ( as I do agree with her and think that if you do this, the others will follow much easier). During the first week, try to forget about all your other problems and see how it goes. When you have this a little more under control, try to tackle another issue and take it from there..
Sarah :D
Hi Karen
Sorry it didnt go too well with your therapist. I think the first thing you should do is right that letter and hopefully get to see a female doctor as soon as possible. There are lots of issues you need to tackle, but maybe how Sarah suggested take one at a time. Some days you do seem to have come on a long way then others i must admit if feeling you are going back.
I know how hard it is for you, but you really do need to sort out any help you can get about your physical state to give you some strength to get you to the next stage. It wont be easy and you yourself know that, but you need to get some professional help and hopefully as one part of your life picks up the rest will seem a more approachable task.
Write to the PCT as soon as you can and then you can see what comes of that. I know you trust K and she is helping you, but you have some hidden qualities that you seem to dismiss. The improvement from when you first joined this site has been brilliant but you dont want to let it stop now. I know you feel despondent but that isnt going to get you on to the next level. We are all her to help you and want to see you make progress. You can do it you just need to believe in yourself.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi karen sorry it didnt go too well but im not sure how she can say she doesnt see any improvement as all of us who are following your progress can definately say you do have better days.........but i must add somedays i think you try harder than others instead of being consistant dont think im having a go at you cos im not but some days you do write the day off at 7am when its hardly started you say you think its gonna be a bad day and thought being what it is will make it that way
maybe she thinks you need to tackle the eating issues before continuing with her as we have often said with out a decent amount of food you cant function properly and maybe if that was sorted you would be more motivated in other areas
write the letter for the gp straight away and get the ball rolling if you can
fan x
Karen,
Sorry today did not go too well with your therapist. She does seem to have given up on you rather quickly---I thought you had only had two or three visits to her? (mainly because she postponed etc).
I think she is right, though, about the physical condition problems. Even if you find it nigh on impossible to change these things--as you know, little food & no sleep are not good places from which to start trying to recover from depression.
Sarah's suggestion is a good one--to try to break down the issues that are overwhelming you into 'bite-size chunks'. No-one ( not even the non anxiety/depression sufferers) can cope with everything at once. For what it's worth, I think this has to start with the eating &/or sleeping problems---with, I'm sorry to have to say, professional help, if that's the only way.
Perhaps you could write to the PCT, as the therapist suggested, to request a female doctor. Then when the therapist contacts you in a few days you will be able to tell her that you have followed up that suggestion.
Linda. x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Hi Sarah
Thanks for your message. I am already trying to concentrate on the eating issue, but the problem is that these are all inter-connected and when I feel bad about K not being in touch for example, it means that I feel too distressed to eat.
I also think it is going to take some time to tackle the eating disorder, as I am still finding it virtually impossible to maintain my weight at present and want to keep losing. I don't know what I can do that I'm not already doing regarding this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Sal
I have written the letter to try to get a change of doctor and will post it in the morning.
I do often feel as if I am going backwards myself sometimes but I literally don't know what to do anymore. I feel I have only just been settling in and getting used to this therapist and I can't handle any further changes right now.
At the moment it just seems the same pattern is repeating itself, where no one knows what to do with me and gives up. I wonder if I am ever going to overcome these problems.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Fan
Some days I know are going to be harder than others and it is really difficult to find motivation on those days. It is usually when I know K isn't going to be around and I feel myself sink into despair because of this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Linda
I think I have had about 5 appointments with this therapist now and she says she is usually getting some results with clients by this stage. This makes me feel like it is my fault and I am failing again by not improving.
She hasn't definitely said that she wants to end our sessions but I do feel very disappointed and let down at the moment that she seems to want to give up on me. This has happened all my life and makes me believe it is my fault and there is no hope of recovery. If it weren't for K I think I would just want to give up completely.
I've written to see about getting a female GP, but I still don't want to be referred to a psychiatrist because I know from experience that this won't help. Plus there are no female psychiatrists here so that is a no go to start with.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
Well done on writing the letter & I hope that it produces some positive results for you.
I do hope that the therapist does continue with your sessions because you do seem to have been having some better days--& you need that stability & continuity of getting to know your therapist over time.
I do understand how despondent today has made you feel--but it really isn't your fault, it doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you have failed. You just need more time, not everyone responds at the same pace, just because you have not met the therapists "what is normal after 5 sessions" does not mean you have failed.
I do hope that this sorts out for you. In the meantime, try not to blame yourself (I know!). For what my humble opinion is worth I think she's giving up a bit too soon if she backs out now.
Thinking of you,
Linda. x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Thanks Linda. I appreciate your support. I do need continuity and stability but at the moment I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me again. Just when I start to trust someone and have some hope that I might get the help I need, it is taken away from me again and I end up back at square one.
At the moment I am blaming myself and it makes me feel even more of a failure because I'm not improving at the rate that seems to be expected of me. When things like this happen it just confirms my thoughts that I am doomed to live with this forever and there is no hope of getting better. So many people have given up on me in the past.
I've also written about all of this to K and I hope to hear from her with her thoughts today. She is one person I do know won't leave me, even though my obsession tries to panic me into thinking she might.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
18-03-05, 09:21
Hi Karen,
Have you got an advocate, and if you haven't would you consider having one?
This link will tell you a bit more about what is available. I couldn't post the direct link as it is too long and breaks half way.
http://www.mind.org.uk
Regards,
Blue
--
"If I never take this leap of faith I'll never know
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow"
http://spaces.msn.com/members/enigmapark/
hi karen hope your feeling ok today
i noticed you were posting at 3am and also 6am so i presume you were sat up all night i think you need to move the pc out of the bedroom (i know i said this before but its getting crazy now) and then you might be less likely to want to sit by it all night i think maybe the pc is keeping you awake as i know if i stay on late it takes ages for my mind to slow down enough for me to be able to sleep
instead when it gets to say 11.30 try coming off and go do something else listen to music or watch a dvd something that gives your mind time to slow have a warm not hot bath and maybe a hot milky drink see if that helps
fan x
Hi Fan
I know you have suggested moving the PC before and I explained why it isn't possible. It isn't having the PC in the bedroom. The reason why I am on the computer throughout the night is because I can't sleep. I do wind down by doing other things. I try watching some tv, reading, doing a relaxation cd etc. I go to bed and can't sleep, so rather than lying there tossing and turning I get up again.
I've also tried all the usual things like having a bath, warm milk, lavender etc. Nothing helps.
Not feeling too good today but am working up to getting dressed and getting out of the house for a while.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Blue
Thanks for the link. I will check out the advocate idea.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen glad your up.........hope you get out a bit its lovely out bit cold but wrap up well and get some fresh air
fan x
hi Karen,
I hope you got out for a bit and managed to take your mind off things.
Sarah :D
Karen,
Good to hear that you were on the way to getting dressed & going out for a while. Hope that you managed to do this & it helped to brighten the day a little.
I had a quick 'nosy' at the 'advocate link' that Blue posted---seems like it could be an answer. You have said that it is very hard for you to speak up for yourself with docs etc & an advocate could be the way forward with this particular issue. It would also be someone acting, in a way, with your interests at heart, & that might help a little with the isolation problem.
I hope you are ok & coping tonight.
Linda. x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
I have been trying so hard to to think more positively, as well as getting up and doing things rather than lounging around moping but I really wonder why I even bother. Tonight I've just gone crashing straight back down again and it is over something so pathetic that I don't even know why I am so upset about it.
A short time ago I heard from someone on my other forum that I exchange PMs with regularly. It seems to site Admins are trying to bolster the staff on there and at least one person I know has been offered MVP status, which is what I am on there at present. This basically is offered to people who help out with replying to posts regularly and we keep an eye on the forum and report any rulebreaking and any problems etc.
The person I talk to online is also currently an MVP although they work and answer posts when they can but isn't obviously around as much during the day. This person has now been asked if they would like to become a moderator. I feel so stupid even writing about this, let alone getting so upset about it, but I can't help wondering why I wasn't asked when I do a lot on that forum. It just confirms my negative opinion of myself again that nothing I do is ever good enough and I am completely useless. I am so completely worthless. I don't even know why I am still here.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
I don't know anything about the other site so can't really answer that question. However, I do know that you are NOT worthless!! There could be a number of reasons why the other person was chosen over you - none to do with you personally!!
Sarah :D
hi karen sorry you feel so down but your definately not worthless
im not sure how these things work do you have to apply for the "job" ?
maybe the other person had more qualifications maybe medically trained or something
its their loss karen you would have made a really good team member for them karen your posts on here to others are always encouraging
dont let it get you down its not worth it
fan x
Hi Fan
No this person does not have any special training and was asked if he wanted to become a moderator by the site Admins.
I know it is a really stupid thing to get down about but I really do my best to help people on there but my best isn't good enough it seems.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen your best is good enough we know how many nights you stay up talking and helping people who are a danger to themselves and getting them through it....without you they might be dead so i bet they think your good enough
fan x
I don't know Fan. I still feel like they don't think I'm good enough or maybe I'm doing something wrong.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
Well done on the positive stuff you have tried to do recently. I know that you have been trying--& there have been results--you have had a few brighter spells & that can be built on. It's a shame that this stuff has happened on the other forum & brought you right down again. I'm sure that it makes you feel as though it's not worth bothering----but you know, it really is worth it, you have proved that to yourself recently.
Don't know about this other forum or how it works but, as Fan said, I'm sure it's their loss--because you give such good advice & you care a lot about how others feel & what happens to them.
There may be loads of reasons why it's turned out this way but whatever the reasons--it doesn't make you worthless or useless. Could you ask them if you could become a moderator, offer your services, so to speak?
You wrote that it's a stupid thing to get upset about---try to hang on to that thought---I know it's not easy or simple---but try!
I hope that you can find some peace with this.
Linda. x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Hi Linda
Thanks for your message. I'm afraid I can't stop feeling upset about this no matter how silly it might be. It is the same rejection feeling all over again and makes me think that I'm worthless and no good to anyone. I'm now doubting that I make any kind of useful contribution there at all.
I don't feel able to ask them about it because if they thought I was worthy of becoming a moderator they would have asked. They will only turn me down so I can't put myself through the humiliation.
Something always happens to bring me straight back down whenever I try to do anything to try to help myself improve. I was trying so hard to be more positive yesterday and do things that people suggest but there really is no point. My life is never going to amount to anything. I need to face the fact that I just am not good at anything. I am either so useless that they don't want me or I am too ill which doesn't look good for a moderator on their site.
Don't think there is any way out of the mess that I've made of my life.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
i karen sorry you feel so down at the end of your post you said "maybe im too ill to be a moderator".........maybe you are so why not use that as your motivation for getting better
"one day i WILL be better and i WILL be a moderator..........its gonna give you something to aim for
why not ask nic if she has anything you could involve yourself in for her (although not sure i should be encouraging you to sit here lol)
try go out today its lovely the fresh air will really do you good
speak to you soon take care
fan x
Hi Fan
Thanks for your suggestions. I don't think there is any point in aiming for something that I can never be. I have to face facts that my life will never amount to anything and that I will just keep failing.
I'm afraid I haven't done anything today and have been in bed all day. I haven't heard from K which is just making me feel even worse. I tried to be more positive in my message to her last night but it didn't make any difference because she still didn't reply.
Don't want to do anything but go back to bed and try to block the day out. I have had enough of feeling like this and of my life being one big failure.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
There is no point you being so upset about the moderator thing. They must have had a reason why they didn't ask you - one that is nothing to do with you personally. Like I said last night in chat, they might have thought that you have enough on your plate right now without needing the extra responsibility of being a moderator. We win some and we lose some hun, that's just the way it goes..
Sarah :D
nomorepanic
19-03-05, 18:58
Karen
I have been reading all these posts and just wanted to add my bit.
When I chose the moderators for here it was based on a few random things. Meg for her valuable experience and she can get on in the day when I can't. Sarah used to be on all the time and is now working but still wants to remain a mod. Sal was chosen cos she cared about people and again worked strange hours so she could be on late at night or early morning. Last but not least Seh (Sarah) cos she is on and off all day and I needed someone that is around during the day to move/remove posts.
It was also based on the time that they had been members on the site and consistency of posting (NOT the number of posts).
There is no reason that I haven't chosen you other than I thought it would get too much for you. I hope Sal won't mind me saying this but Sal felt that she had to be here all the time and it starts to take over your life when you feel oblidged to be always on and posting. I would have no issues with you being a mod other than I think you have enough to do with the other forum and this one and it can be tiring.
Don't be upset about it - it means nothing in the big scheme of things. It was not something that I sat and thought about for hours, I just did it on the spur of the moment and thought "Oh xx would like to be a moderator". I am sure they never meant to hurt you by excluding you.
It is more likely that they were thinking about you and how much more you have to do.
I sometimes wonder whether it puts more pressure on Sarah, Sarah and Sal knowing that they are mods on here. They can probably answer that better than me.
Hope it doesn't get you down too much.
Nicola
Hi Nic
I wasn't meaning to question the way moderators are chosen here. I realise number of posts doesn't mean anything and it is consistent helpful replies that is important. I know I don't post much of any help here.
Although I do realise how completely stupid this issue probably seems to everyone, I just can't help feeling hurt by what has happened. I thought I was being helpful on the other forum and now I am beginning to wonder if everything I post is useless, which just confirms my own negative self-image again.
I hadn't even really thought about it until last night because all the other moderators on there are therapists, but it was only when this person was asked yesterday who doesn't have any training and said to me once that he tries to emulate my style of writing to people, that I started to believe that they can't think very much of me.
I do a lot on there already with replying to posts and keeping an eye on what's happening on the forum so it wouldn't make much difference, so I do feel that they don't want me and that is because I'm no use to anyone.
Sorry to go on about it. I just can't help thinking it is personal against me and that I can't do anything right.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
19-03-05, 19:29
Hi karen
I know that you were in no way questioning me and my choice but I thought it may help to know how/why I chose someone. Perhaps they did the same?
You are always here to welcome people and your posts are worthwhile - don't ever think they aren't. You take time to reply to everyone whereas I sometimes just say "hi and welcome".
You are a valuable member on here and I don't want you to forget that ok? You are a special person and if they don't appreciate that then it is their loss that is all I can say.
Nicola
Thanks Nic. It helps to know I am a valuable member here. I suppose because I don't have any belief in myself, it doesn't take much to knock me down even further.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
Sorry to hear that the moderator stuff is still making you feel miserable.
I'm sure that your contribution to the other site is very useful--you understand, & give a lot of patience & thought to helping others when they are most in need.
Sadly, though------"life's a *****" quite a lot of the time--& sometimes, however hard we try, we don't get something we want or which we feel is our possible due. That doesn't mean that one's life amounts to nothing or that we should give up!
You are good at a lot of things including your kindness & thought for others; you are obviously intelligent, you got through college, you have had successes---& you've done, & are, all these things in spite of the troubles & problems of your own. Your life is very worth living & amounts to a lot more than you are probably able to realise in your present state of mind.
It is highly likely, as the others have said, that the other forum felt you were dealing with enough already without taking on being a moderator as well. Whatever the reason, Karen, it's not a personal attack on you.
Try not to be too hurt by it, try to 'let it go'. Dwelling on it won't change things---but it does make it a lot more miserable for you.
Thinking of you.
Linda. x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Hi Karen
I am sure on the other site they value all the help you give to others, but i am also sure they are aware how you are having a rough time at the moment and maybe didnt choose you as they didnt want to put any extra pressure on you than you already have.
Please dont be offended by it and i am sure as you start to get better you will be able to get more involved.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Karen
I hope you are having a good day hon and managed to get some sleep.
Nic is right what she is saying, and at first i did think i should be on everyday and replying to post, but now i know that i can pop on to the site whenever even when back at work i dont make it on as much, as i know there are others around to help.
You are a valuable member of this site and you are always helping others, so dont be so hard on yourself.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi karen hope your having a good day
fan x
"dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel..........stride down there and light the bl**dy thing yourself!
I am feeling a little better today, mainly because I heard from K this morning. It seems I even surprised her with my last couple of messages. In spite of how awful I've been feeling, I didn't endlessly go on about it and tried to write about other things, as well as attempting to avoid all the negative interpretation. She was impressed!
She also suggested that I put my name forward to become a moderator and said I would be excellent at it. I'm still not sure because I think if they had wanted me in this position they would have asked me. I'm also scared of taking the risk of offering and being turned down. I know how the rejection will cause me to feel more of a failure.
I've been out today. I went for a long walk along the seafront, making the most of the nice weather. I'm trying to think a bit more positively today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
great your feeling better and have been out
i think telling them your interested in the moderator job is a good idea as like every one said they might not have wanted to add to your problems with more stress but if you offer then they will know its ok to ask you
fan x
"dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel..........stride down there and light the bl**dy thing yourself!
Karen,
Glad to hear you've had a better day & managed to go out. Also, that K was impressed about the efforts you are making to be more positive.
Hope the rest of the day is ok for you.
Linda. x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Hi Karen
Pleased you have had a better day and got out for a nice walk.
Well done.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
bluebottle
20-03-05, 20:24
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I went for a long walk along the seafront</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
This is very good work Karen.
Crikey, you have the sea!? I would kill to have the sea near me. It is the most wondeful thing in God's creation, you really must try and make more use of its calming influences.
Regards,
Blue
--
"If I never take this leap of faith I'll never know
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow"
http://spaces.msn.com/members/enigmapark/
Glad you are feeling better Karen!! :D
Thanks for all the message.
Fan - I want to offer my services but am just worried about being turned down because then I will be worse.
Blue - Yes it is great living by the sea. I do make the most of it in the summer and spend time on the beach or go for walks along the promenade.
I'm doing ok tonight. I'm happy that K is so pleased with me. I just hope I can keep it up.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen
Hang on to the fact that K is happy with how you are doing, that should give you the strength to move forward. Just remember how many times you have told us that she is the one that keeps you going, so if she thinks you are doing well, you can carry on from that and build on it.
Small steps but it is definately in the right direction hon.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Sal
Yes K is the one who keeps me going. I really hope her encouragement helps me to be able to keep this going. I just know how fragile these more positive feelings are because they are based on relying on K still and when I'm not in contact with her my resolve crumbles.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen just remember that how K makes you feel can still be achieved if you dont hear from her. These feelings may feel temporary when she gets in touch but they are real and you can still get them and make them last hon.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Karen
Think i am like you tonight as cant sleep at all. guess it happens when there is too much to think about and that is me tonight.
Sam is in my bed sound and Hamish is so happy here and settled, guess him been here could be long term as he couldnt wait to come in when Jane brought him down and made him self at home straight away.
Guess back to walks then.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Karen
Hope you managed to get some sleep eventually hon and are feeling okay today.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Karen
How are you feeling today chuck?
Take care
Elaine x
Hi Sal & Elaine
I didn't get too much sleep in the end and woke quite early today.
I'm not sure why but I'm feeling a little down this morning and don't feel like doing too much. I have to make myself do something and go out for a while though after saying so much to K about how I'm trying to do things differently. I don't want to let her down or to have her think I've failed.
It is taking an awful lot of effort to stay out of bed at the moment though.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen hope your ok its another nice day let us know if you get out and about
fan x
"dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel..........stride down there and light the bl**dy thing yourself!
Hi Karen
Hold on to the thought that you want K to be proud of yourself, that should push you to get out and do something. Hope you manage and have a better day for it.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi karen,
if you've not slept much, its normal to feel a little down.
anyway, i wanted to say how well i thought you are doing recently - Well Done, keep up your fight, you take care .. andrew
hi Karen,
Hope you managed to get out of the house and enjoy the nice weather!!
Sarah :D
Hi everyone
Thanks for the messages of support. I'm feeling better than earlier and I've now been made a moderator of my other site. I took the plunge last night and volunteered my services. I decided that K wouldn't have encouraged me to apply if she thought I would be turned down.
I've also been out for the afternoon. Actually the weather here has been rather miserable and grey, but I went to the shopping centre to try to find some new trousers to wear for Jac's daughter's Christening in a couple of weeks. I didn't have much luck though as nothing fitted.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
was brilliant to see the above post karen :D
hope getting the moderators job has restored some confidence in you and helps it easier to face every day now you have a reason to be positive and keep on the up so others you are helping can feel your an inspiration to them
glad you went out today although you didnt get your outfit.......oh well you got to go again tomorrow now lol
fan x
"dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel..........stride down there and light the bl**dy thing yourself!
Thanks Fan. It certainly was a boost to be made a Moderator. I expect it wouldn't seem much to most people but I'm not used to people showing faith in me.
It is certainly a good day for me and I feel better than I have in a while. I'm going to take K's advice to me this morning though to take it a day at a time. I know how easy it is to slip back again.
Unfortunately I can't go out shopping tomorrow as my car is going in for its MOT and service. Plus there are only two small shopping centres close to here and I've exhausted all the shops. I'll be turning up to the Christening in jeans at this rate!
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
That is great news, see you reached out and offered your help and it was taken up straight away. So it was never a case that they didnt want you.
And you got out to do some shopping, you have done really well and i am proud of you.
See others believe in you more than you believe in yourself. Think about that.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Karen
Well done on becoming a moderator on your other site, if you help people half as much as you help on here then you will make a difference to lots of peoples lives.
You needed this boost, so well done you , you sound so much better today.
I'm so chuffed for you.
Take care
Elaine x
Karen,
Really pleased to read your last few positive posts. Well done, you, on turning the day around, feeling brighter as the day went on! Good to hear you'd gone shopping as well, you've achieved a lot today, Karen.
Well done, too, on asking about being a moderator on the other forum. I can appreciate that took courage because you were so worried that they might reject you. But you did it anyway. I hope that their positive answer has helped to allay the feeling of being no good---You now know you are wanted & the other forum does rightly value you.
Hope you are having a calm evening.
Linda. x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Hi Sal
You are right, I did get in a complete state about nothing over this. When I thought about it yesterday after K's message, I knew she would never encourage me to do something if I was likely to be turned down because she knows how hurt I would be and how bad I would have felt.
It is true that I don't have any belief in myself. It doesn't seem to matter how many people tell me I do a good job on there, I still find it hard to believe in myself or my abilities.
Hope you are feeling OK today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
But you can believe in yourself now as they have jumped at the chance for you to be a moderator.
Well done.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Elaine
Thanks for your support. I do feel better today than I have felt in a while. I guess this has given me a real boost, along with the fact that K is so pleased with the progress I've made in the last couple of days.
I was glad to read that your husband's tests were clear.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Linda
Thanks for your message. The day didn't start too well but I'd made plans, as well as telling K, that I was going out to the shops today and so I made myself do it because I knew she would be pleased with me. I know I have to be the one to pull myself through this and started to see how much everyone, K especially, has been doing to help me but I have to help myself too. Lying around in bed all day doesn't help. I just hope I can keep this up.
I was really anxious when I wrote and volunteered to be a moderator because I'm not used to doing things like that for fear of being rejected and then feeling embarrassed and like a failure. I still can't really believe they want me. I can't wait to write to K tonight and tell her about my day.
Even dad hasn't managed to bring me down today. He phoned and left a message on Saturday ordering me round there today, but I ignored it. Then he phoned again while I was out today. He kept ringing so I had to speak to him in the end. He wants me to go through some paperwork with him from the Solicitor and he TOLD me he is coming round her tomorrow afternoon. I could've tried to tell him that I'm busy but I would have to do it sometime so I might as well get it over with.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi karen
Thanks for that chuck!
It's also made me feel happy that you seem a lot brighter today, it's given you such a boost which you really needed.
I'm so glad that k is really pleased with your progress, that must also be making you feel sooo much better.
Onwards and upwards chuck!!!
TAKE CARE
Elaine x
Karen,
Good to hear that you managed to cope with your dad's phone calls without letting it bring you down---& that, in the end, you spoke to him, but you are taking it in your stride that he's coming round & feel you may as well sort his paperwork now rather than later. All positive stuff, Karen, so well done.
Good luck with it tomorrow~~~~& don't let him bring you down! Remember, he's only a man!
Thinking of you.
Linda.x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
hi karen i cant believe how positive your ;last few posts have been i really hope it keeps up for you, you have achieved some really big stuff so dont let the small stuff get you down and your on your way:D
fan x
"dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel..........stride down there and light the bl**dy thing yourself!
Positive thinking Karen you know if you put of he will still want you to do it.
You have done so well today and dont let him bring you down. However you feel when he is at yours remember how you offered yourself to help others and you were accepted straight away. You werent rejected, one of your biggest fears but it didnt happen.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Thank you all for your support. I must admit I'm really not looking forward to this afternon with dad coming round and just want to get it out of the way. It is just another exercise in how he can try and control my life and get me to do what he wants.
I went to bed, couldn't sleep and so got up again. I can feel my mood slipping a bit but I think it is because I have a feeling I'm not going to hear from K today. I've been re-reading her messages to try to stop myself slipping. I know I'll be ok if I hear from her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Remember how strong you are and you will get through this afternoon with your dad, thinking of you.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi karen i hope this afternoon goes ok .......you will get through it just keep thinking positive you come a long way dont let one afternoon knock you back....if it doesnt go to well just tell yourself "so what i coped with other stuff"
fan x
"dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel..........stride down there and light the bl**dy thing yourself!
I'm not feeling too good today. My feeling about K turned out to be right and I haven't heard from her. She hasn't been around to pick up my message and I'm struggling with the obsessive thoughts and fears of her being hurt again. I just knew this was going to happen today.
Also have dad coming round some time later and I'm not really feeling strong enough to cope with him today. I just want the day to be over so I can hopefully hear from K tomorrow. I'm still not coping when she doesn't get in touch.
I haven't felt like doing anything today and I'm beating myself up for giving in to the depression again. I know I should make the effort to get up and dressed, and to go out but I don't feel like it. Have to get dressed at least because of dad coming but at the moment I just feel like hiding in bed and shutting the world out. I don't want to see him and wish I could stop him but I can't.
Sorry I guess I'm not doing as well as everyone thought. My life without K is just as hopeless as ever.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I've just had Dad here and now I feel ten times worse. He didn't need to come round at all and could have easily told me what he wanted to say over the phone.
He started questioning me about what I'm up to and what I do all day. Then he asked about my weight and asked if I'm anorexic which I just denied. I realise this is probably out of concern but I don't want to talk about it and definitely not with him. To make it worse he said he's told my step mum to talk to me too and also my brother. I don't need this pressure and I can't cope with it. My step mum is going to be round after work as she is bringing my car back after taking it in to work to have an MOT done. I can't face another inquisition.
I can't handle it that they are all discussing me like this and deciding to "confront" me about it, as he put it. He said he will have to start force feeding me to make sure I'm eating. I just denied everything and said I'm eating. I just want to be left alone. He talks to me like I'm 6 years old or something.
Now I'm panicking about seeing my step mum when she turns up. I really can't take this today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
Just caught up on the news - well done for being made moderator!! That's fantastic!! :)
Sorry to hear that your dad has been hassling you about your weight. I hope your step-mum isn't too harsh on you. They are probably just concerned though hun and want to make sure that you are ok.
Sarah :D
hi karen i was gonna say dont answer the door..........but no i think you do need this they are finally recognising there are problems here and ok your dads comment bout force feeding you wasnt exactly subtle but thats a man thing......think what life would be like if you told your step mum everything you post about on here she will be able to get you even more help than your getting now i do think it would be good for you to get the support on the outside as well as on here and maybe it will make them see the way you feel about the way your father treats you........at least see what she has to say before you write off the idea of taking the help they want to offer
fan x
"dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel..........stride down there and light the bl**dy thing yourself!
I'm sorry Fan but talking to anyone in my family about the things I say on here would NOT be helpful to me and would simply make things worse. There is a lot of history that you won't be aware of from my more recent postings and I can't really go into it all again, but they do not understand the problems I have.
I avoided talking to my step mum about it luckily as she had someone with her from work that she was giving a lift home. I've told dad I am not going round tomorrow. I said I was too busy and now I just think I need to avoid my family in any way I can.
Today just keeps getting worse as now my internet connection has gone down again and I've had to use dial up to get on here. This means I can't spend much time on the internet tonight and have been panicking at being cut off.
I should have known it was all too good to last and things always go wrong again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Sorry you have had such a hard day.
Im pleased you didnt have more confrontation from your step mum.
Try not to worry about K as she will get in touch.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi Karen,
Sorry to hear your internet connection is playing up - hope you get it sorted soon!!
Sarah :D
Hi Karen
I hope if you cant get on the internet tonight you are managing and doing something constructive to pass the time.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Karen,
Sorry today has been a 'bit of a slip' for you but it doesn't mean you are failing again. It's one of those nasty blip things!
You know that you should be eating better but this kind of controlling harrassment from your father is not going to work.
You could point out to him if he says it again-- that it is illegal for him to attempt force feeding, the charges begin with common assault....!! It's no good trying to frighten people into actions--particularly when the scare tactics are coming from the dude who caused most of your problems in the first place.
I had a feeling that he might have been using his paperwork as an excuse to get close enough to attempt to harrass you again. Must feel his control is slipping again. I believe we've had this 'conversation' before------as soon as you start to pick up---he'll push you straight back down again, given half a chance.
But---only if you let him---he talks to you as if you were still 6 years old because nothing has ever stopped him from doing that----'you can't be a doomat if you don't lie down'.
I know from experience how hard this one is to deal with--& I get angry, on your behalf, that the man is still getting away with it!
Don't be too hard on yourself about feeling down because you haven't heard from K today. You've had a lot of other stuff to deal with today as well. It won't all happen at once as you know better than anyone--but you have been coping better---you can go on coping better---& it will become easier to deal with days when K can't be in touch.
K will contact you soon.
Thinking of you,
Linda. x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Hi Linda
Thanks for your message. I also had a feeling the paperwork was an excuse to come round but I'm just unable to stand up to him. I know I should be able to. I'm an adult after all but the way he talks to me takes me right back to being a frightened child again and I am too scared to say no to him or to put my point across. All he has to do is get angry and start shouting and I'm in floods of tears again, which only serves to make me feel even more pathetic.
The situation has actually deteriorated this evening. I phoned Jac earlier for a chat as I've been feeling upset about the events of today. She told me that dad had sent my step mum round to see her to get information out of her. She asked Jac what is going on and said "We know Karen is up to something". I don't quite know what they think I am up to. Jac told my step mum that I'm suffering from depression. My step mum asked her about my weight and Jac told her not to worry because I'm getting help. I feel bad that they put Jac in this position although she said it is ok and she dealt with it. I also don't want my dad or step mum to know anything that is going on. It's my life and I have to deal with this my way and that doesn't involve my family knowing anything about it.
I feel this is all getting out of control again and they are trying to take over. I just want to be left alone.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Sorry it got worse. I know you think they are interfering and you dont want that but they are obviously worried by the fact that they have gone to see Jac. A point you should look at through that is that they didnt control you there as they had to turn to someone else as they knew they wouldnt get the answers from you.
You obviously stood up to your dad better than you though as he had to turn to someone else for clues.
Lets hope you got some sleep and today is better for you.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi karen i hope today is kinder to you and you manage to get out and get some fresh air
fan x
"dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel..........stride down there and light the bl**dy thing yourself!
hi Karen,
Sorry to hear that Jac has been brought into the whole situation. Maybe now that she has told them that you are getting help, they will back off a little and leave you to it. Hope you are feeling a little better!!
Sarah :D
I am feeling a little better today, although the events of yesterday have left me feeling very worried about the situation with Dad and the rest of my family. I'm scared he will keep pushing now he knows for definite that something is wrong. He doesn't like to be kept in the dark, which is why he went behind my back to try to find out from Jac what is going on.
I did go out for a little while today but I am finding it difficult to get back to the way I was feeling a few days ago.
I've also been trying to get hold of my therapist by emailing but she isn't replying so everything is still up in the air as far as that is concerned and I don't know what is happening.
Also I am now starting to panic about it being Easter this weekend and K might not be around or not very much. I am still struggling when I don't hear for her from one day, let alone longer. I feel like I am slipping right back again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen, you are not slipping back at all, you have never coped well with weekends and this is going to be a long one but you need to focus on the fact that K will be in touch even if it is after the weekend. Just remember she hasnt left you alone but is spending time with her family if you dont hear from her.
As for your dad you stood up to him, hence why he went behind your back to get answers, but Jac didnt give him any, so he is no further forward.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
I've been struggling with panic tonight. The phone kept ringing and I'm pretty sure it was either dad or my step mum. Then they started calling my mobile. I've been sitting here too scared to answer either phone. At one point I sat in the dark, convinced they were going to turn up on my doorstep and feeling too scared to see them right now. How pathetic is that?
This morning K told me to hold on to the progress I have been making and I am trying to do this. I just feel so stupid for getting in such a state over what has been happening since yesterday. I know I will have to speak or see them sometime. I just can't handle it right now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen
You talk to them when you feel you can and not before. They cant dictate to you when it suits them.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Thanks you for that text, helped me loads.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Karen,
Good to hear that you started today feeling a little better in spite of the worry left over from yesterday with your dad going to Jac. You seem to have been able to disentangle the two things---you & them--& that's a good sign!
Tonight must have been very uncomfortable for you. It took me back to a similar situation which I once found myself in (though we didn't have mobile phones then!) & I, too, ended up sitting in the dark, scared to move! Not nice at all.
But you don't have to allow it to take you right down---try to use it to feed the determination to get better--then they won't be able to control your life.
I was surprised to hear that your therapist hadn't got back to you. Did she not say she would contact you a few days after your last visit to her?
K will be in touch whenever she can. Try not to think too far ahead about that.
Thinking of you,
Linda. x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Hi Linda
Sorry you had a similar experience with sitting alone in the dark too scared to move. The stupid thing is I know I am going to have to face talking to dad or my step mum at some point and putting it off is probably only making it worse. But after what happened last night, I just don't feel up to dealing with it at the moment.
When the phone calls started I knew it had to be dad, especially when the phone rang so many times in succession, followed by my mobile. By then the anxiety had already started and I started to panic. Having not answered the phone I felt the need to hide in case they came round, otherwise I would have to explain why I hadn't answered the phone on top of everything else.
I've really tried to keep on top of things today and not let what is happening drag me back down again. It is extra pressure that I really don't need though.
My therapist did say that she would be in touch in a couple of days and that was a week ago. I have emailed her but she isn't replying. I am beginning to think this is not going anywhere. K is giving me much more helpful advice and support anyway. She has helped me see what I can do to start to move forward which is what has inspired the recent positive steps I have been taking.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Hope you managed to get some sleep. I am pleased K is giving you the support to take steps forward, lets hope it works and the positive thoughts keep coming.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi karen hope your ok today
tell your father you will be in touch with him when your less busy make sure he understands your not going to jump when he calls........you can do it :D
fan x
"dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel..........stride down there and light the bl**dy thing yourself!
hi Karen,
How are you doing today hun?
Sarah :D
I'm not doing too bad today. I have been out for a while this afternoon and am trying not to let the situation with dad pull me back down.
I heard from K this morning and she is giving me a lot of support and help to get through this problem.
I have slipped from where I was last weekend but I am doing my best not to let myself slip back any further.
Now the evening is approaching I am feeling worse and getting anxious in case the phone calls start again. I really just want my family to leave me alone to deal with this in my own way. I can't handle the extra pressure they are placing on me. I am doing the best I can with my eating at present and don't need someone telling me they want to "fattening me up". It really does not help.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Just had dad on the phone. I wish I had ignored the phone but thought I have to speak to him at some point so maybe it would be better to get it over and done with.
The conversation started off ok and it seems he is now thinking of going up to see my brother on Saturday, so the meal hopefully won't be happening.
However, he couldn't resist saying something about my weight and saying how I could do with piling some pounds on. Then he said that he is watching me, and that he has got my step mum and my brother watching me too. I don't want anyone to watch me. I asked him not to say anything else on the subject because it doesn't help but he wouldn't stop. Why can't he leave me alone?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
Your dad must just be worried about you. Hopefully he will calm down and leave you to it. It could be that your step-mum and brother have just said that they will watch over you to keep him happy.
Sarah :D
Hi Sarah
I doubt they said it just to keep him happy or my step mum wouldn't have gone to see Jac the other night. Jac explained to her that I need space to be able to work through these problems myself but it seems no one is listening. I realise they are probably worried but this is just typical of the reactions I've had in the past, or at least how it starts. With time the controlling and trying to take over gets worse and I can't go through that again.
They need to realise that I need to do this my way. I'm not a child that they can tell off and expect that it will make everything all right.
At the moment I just wish I lived further away from them so they couldn't try to interfere so much. There is nothing I can do about it though and it would also mean being further from Jac who is really supportive and helps me a lot.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
He is your dad and you know him a lot better than any of us but you know how he likes to control you and by seeing that you have lost weight and guessing you are not eating he will want to step in and take control.
You are much more vocal now as to when you first joined the site so you need to tell him yes you have a problem but it is a problem that you want to deal with without his inference. If you dont say anything he will keep on pushing you and that will just make you feel worse.
You know now that you can do that, then take sometime out from him and work on getting yourself more sorted.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Sal
I know I am doing better with talking but unfortunately not where my dad is concerned. He has a way of speaking to me that makes me feel so small. When he criticizes and then starts getting annoyed that I'm not answering or agreeing with him, I get upset and start crying. I just can't help it. He talks to me like a child and I actually feel like a little girl who has done something wrong. I know it is pathetic but I can't stand up to him. He doesn't listen anyway.
I just want him to leave me alone.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sorry he makes it so hard, but that is obviously how he feels in control. Probably the best option is to keep out of his way, ignore calls ect or how about writing him a letter and telling him how he makes you feel.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi karen you say......"im not a child" no your not so stand up to your dad just say if you cant stop pushing the issue then dont talk to me.will be hard but i bet you would only have to say it once, you are a moderator on the other site and people listen to what you have to say so make your dad do the same......your a stronger person now
fan x
"dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel..........stride down there and light the bl**dy thing yourself!
Hi Karen
I know you find it hard but take on board what Fan has said, you probably will only have to do it once and he will be shocked but then you have done it, and if still carries on once you have said it once you can keep telling it him.
I really think before you start moving any further forward you do need to tell him to back of and that it is your life regardless whether he makes you feel like a child. Hard i know it will be but you can do it.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
I'm sorry but I can't stand up to him or tell him to back off. You don't know what he's like and how difficult it is. It would cause a confrontation and I can't handle that.
I may be stupid and pathetic for not being able to do it but that's the way it is. He won't give up his control without a fight and I'm not strong enough to cope with all of this right now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Like i said before you know him better and if you cant face it dont put yourself through it, but remember to ask yourself if how he makes you feel now would be any worse than confronting him.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Karen,
Please try to take on board what Sal & Fan have said. You really would only have to tell him once---he'd be reeling from the shock for so long that it would give you time & space to get really on top of things.
Even if you tell him through the tears & panic---try to tell him to back off.
Of course it takes you right back to being the frightened little girl---it was this man that started the problem in you that you now face every day. That's why his control is so strong in your head.
Do you remember a series of posts that we shared a few weeks ago when I told you about my dad & his 'gold-star control freak medal'?
And how I 'got away'. I was able to move away geographically which helped but you can still claim your righful space.
The thing is they never stop trying to control you---your father will not change nor will his attempts to control you. What has to change is how you perceive & deal with this person.
An example of how my dad never gave up & even 20 years after I'd put him straight we had "The Hunt by the Police of Three Counties" saga!!
I was 41 years old, had lived 150 miles away from him for 23 years & had intermittent contact with him. I had gone to stay with a friend for one night & my mum happened to phone whilst I wasn't there. He contacted & activated a search by 3 different police forces, claiming I was 'a missing person'.
And this was not love---it was pure control!
My father's behaviour never altered---what had changed was me or rather my perception of his control---I just laughed at his nonsense (cos that's all it is you know!)---& when he phoned I would not speak to him if he shouted , controlled, or in any way made a b. nuisance of himself!
I mean---who needs it?!
Each time you start to pick up-- his control slips, he freaks--& brings you down again. But.......it's not brought you so far down this time---& that's still a step forward.
However hard it is to do, you have to get some space from this guy. When I first replied to your posts & told you about my dad, I said then that I really do feel that your father is at the base of it all. I know there are all sorts of other concerns for you---but, believe me, sort him out---& you really will move forward. Oh....and....it's a wonderful feeling when you've done it!
Linda. x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Hi Linda
I do understand what you are saying and I do take on board the comments about standing up to dad but it is so difficult. I know if I were able to stand up to him he wouldn't like it and would in all probability not speak to me again until I apologise. Whilst you may all think this would be a good thing, and I know I need from space from him, he is still my dad and I can't do it. I have already all but lost contact with my mum and have no relationship with her anymore. I don't think I can lose him too, no matter what he says and does.
All I want is a quiet life and to be left alone to live my life as I want. He won't let me though. He has already told me I HAVE to go with him and my step mum to visit my brother on Saturday afternoon. I'm worried about doing this because he will have me as a captive audience in the car and I won't be able to get away from him.
Maybe I am going to be stuck here forever because I can't tell him that I need to live my life my way without him interfering. He does bring me down every time I start to move forward. The only reason I have not slipped back so far this time is because of K and the great way she is helping me through this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I know that your dad has some control over you but the only way to stop that is for you to tell him, however hard it is. He makes you feel worse and surely on the road to recovery anyone that inflicts anxiety on you should be told as he will hinder you.
I hope you have managed to get some sleep.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi Karen,
Why don't you just tell your dad the truth? Well, you can obviously leave out some details that you would rather keep private but maybe you could tell him enough so that he gets the jist of it all..?
Sarah :D
hi karen hope your ok today.........
seh is right when she says tell your dad just say "this is whats wrong.............." and tell him the bits you feel you can tell him about then add "so you can see why i want to be left alone sometimes to deal with it all" that kills 2 birds with one stone he knows what the problem is and you asked him to give you space...........try it you cant make things much worse with him and it might help
fan x
"dont wait for the light at the end of the tunnel..........stride down there and light the bl**dy thing yourself!
The whole problem with telling Dad anything is that firstly I don't want him to know anything and secondly it is impossible for me to talk to him about it. He already knows that I am suffering from depression and have issues with food as Jac told my step mum this the other day. She also told my step mum that being hassled about it makes things worse, but dad obviously is not taking any notice.
I know just how any conversation with him about this will go and I really can't handle it. I will end up getting upset and he will shout and get angry. Why put myself through that?
At the moment I am trying my best to hold everything together and take little steps to move forward after the terrible way I have been feeling since the beginning of the year. I do not need this extra stress or upset. I did think of writing him a letter, explaining vaguely some of it but he won't like that either. He has never understood why I find it so difficult to communicate verbally and refused to accept that I need to write as the only way to express myself at times. It will only make him more cross.
I'm really worried about tomorrow as I don't know what to do. I don't think I can get out of going with him to visit my brother and sister-in-law. I could go out and avoid all phone calls from him, but he will only keep hassling me until I talk to him. I know if I go with him, he will use the journey to start going on at me again, and as I will be trapped in the car, I won't be able to get away from him.
Don't know what to do and I really do not need this right now. I think it would have sent me right back to the despair I was in before if it hadn't been for K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Just a thought, but have you considered writing a letter(or email) to your dad, explaining all this.
Or maybe something that would be perhaps a little easier is to just send some info his way. You know, just something that will help give him a better understanding of why you feel the way you do. Even if you have to dig up evidence of chemical imbalances in the brain, etc. Although, I do know that this is all very difficult to understand when you haven't experienced it for yourself, and you know the situation with your dad far better than i do, but it's maybe worth consideration. Especially since from what I've read from your posts (not just recently) that your dads views on all of this seem to be very outdated. Maybe it's time he was updated.
Besides all of this, you seem to have been doing very well lately. Try to keep up some positive thought, it may be a struggle, but it's never going to be easy. You can do this.
Good luck
mico
Hi Karen
You are worrying about tomorrow already, that shows how much he is hindering you health. Have you ever considered asking someone that knows how you feel and can completely put it across to him how it is and how you need space. I dont want to interfere but if i can help i will. He is putting too much pressure on you and not giving you the chance to move forward. Yes he knows so much but it isnt the knowing that helps its the understanding, and you need that more than anything right now.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Sal
Yes I am getting really worked up about tomorrow. I really don't need him going on at me about this. I know I have a problem and getting hassled and told he is watching me doesn't help. I need to do this my way. Him going on at me just makes me think about my weight and not eating even more.
I don't think there is anyone that can talk to him and explain. He doesn't accept that these things are illnesses and just thinks I am not eating on purpose or to show him up or something.
One good thing is I know we won't be going out to eat tomorrow because of my sister-in-law but I hope we are not having food up there. I can't handle having to eat, especially as I know they will all be watching me.
Just want to get the day over with.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
The day will pass and it wont be easy, but one day he should understand how you feel and that isnt making you wrong at all by you or someone else telling him. So if he doesnt understand, that is his problem he has been told and that does by know way reflect on you. To make progress you need to make choice, hard ones at that, and i know you can do that.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi Karen,
If you know that going tomorrow will make you really miserable then it is probably best that you don't go. As you say, why should you put yourself through that? You either have to stand up to your dad and not go or go and put up with him. Unfortunately, it seems like you can't win..
Sarah :D
Karen
I know tomorrow will be hard and you will handle it how you feel is right. If you need me im here. Just take care of yourself.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Karen,
As you know, none of this latest control from your dad is helping you , & you have been doing so much better lately. He's got you worrying about tomorrow--& you've been handling the 'what ifs/tomorrows so much better.
I do know & understand from my own 'control freak father' experiences just how hard this is for you. I know that you feel you would lose him if you stood up to him. I doubt you would in the longer term---yes, there would be a period of stand-off but this would give you time to concentrate on you & not have to worry about him. Even if you had to apologise in the end, you would hopefully by then, be stronger to deal with him. (Believe it's called tactics!)
You say that you want a quiet time to sort yourself out & to go on making the progress you have lately made---he will never allow this-- so, ultimately, you have to put yourself first.
You have often said you don't want to see him & put it off as long as possible---so create that space for yourself.
Can it really make you feel any worse about the man than you already do?
I think Sal has a very good point in suggesting that maybe someone else could explain matters to him. Of course he will rant at whoever tried to talk to him---but it might register that others do care a lot about you & about his misunderstanding of you.
Seems to me that we are the sane guys here---& fathers like mine & yours are the true nutters! (sorry to be rude about your dad but.......)
Hope you can find some peace in yourself about tomorrow. I wouldn't go--if it's going to set you back.
Linda.x
Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Hi Sal
Thanks, I know you are there if I need you. Have to find a way of getting through tomorrow somehow. Just want to get it over and done with though.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Sarah
I guess I'm a coward because I can't stand up to him so I guess I have to go and put up with him going on at me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Linda
Thanks for your thoughts and I know you have been through a similar experience. I realise there will have to come a time when I do stand up to him but I'm not sure that time is now. I don't think I am strong enough to handle it. He shouts and I get upset and back down.
You are probably right about not losing contact with him forever if I do tell him that I am not going to do everything he tells me, but I'm not sure I can take the risk. He has already cut one of my brothers out of his life because they fell out and that could happen with me. Then I feel like I would lose all my family. I do need some space to get better but I don't think I can risk alienating him totally either. I don't know what the answer is.
I agree with you that someone else talking to him and explaining what is happening (without giving away too much information) would probably be a help to me. However, he would in all likelihood have a rant at that person and it is not fair to expect anyone to do that. Besides, the only person I know who might do it is Jac and it isn't fair to put her in that position. She has already told my step mum that I've been suffering from depression and that I have some problems with food but that I am getting help and need to be given space to deal with it myself. But they are still not listening.
We are not going until 4 pm tomorrow so I have all night and all day tomorrow to worry and stress about it. Thought I will take my walkman for in the car to block him out if he stars going on at me. It might make him even more angry though.
Roll on Sunday...
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen.
hope your well. try not to worry about this too much, try to bear in mind that anticipationary anxiety is just gonna give you worst case senarios. hopefully you'll have a nice day visiting family at easter.
a man's perspective, your his baby he's never gonna walk away from you.
i had some thoughts on standing up to him. i remember quite few years ago when i was struggling alot, my dad used to come round nearly every day ( he wasn't invited and they lived miles away, but he still came ) i didnt have many probs standing up to him and told him to f..o.. , he just laughed and said 'you can always pretend your not in' - its hard to control what other ppl do. a much better direction is to carry on learning to stand up for yourself rather than to stand up to him.
i was always totally guarded about me as well. i thought that was a good one-liner answer, im struggling with depression and its affected my appetite as well - altho i think you'd put them more at ease if you expanded the 'help your getting' part. especially if you've had a big visible weight loss.
you could bring a relaxation cd and tell them its part of your therapy to listen to it for how ever long the journey is, anyway hope its serene, you take care ... andrew
Hi Andrew
Thanks for the message. I guess my weight loss has been quite significant over the last year but it is only recently dad and my family have started noticing. I haven't even told them about the depression, although Jac did mention it. The problem is I don't want to say much because I don't want to talk to dad or anyone on my family about this. I just want them to accept that I'm an adult and can get through this on my own. That might seem harsh but I already know their opinions of this and don't need to hear any of it again.
This is why I have avoided saying anything and definitely don't want to go into the getting help part of things. I have too much experience of dad trying to take over and I don't need that.
It is a bit hard to open up about any of this now anyway because I panicked when he was round here the other day and just denied everything. I said I'd lost some weight due to the IBS I suffer from playing up.
Believe me, I have tried pretending not being at home and also ignoring the phone when it rings. The problem is he always withholds his number so I am never sure who is calling. Plus he lives a couple of minutes from here and can keep calling round. I can't present I'm not at home all the time.
I need some sleep but I'm too anxious and can't stop worrying about later today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Sorry you havent had much sleep due to feeling anxious and worrying. Hope you manage to get a few hours today hon.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
hi Karen,
Good luck for today!! I hope things don't go as badly as you expect them to.
Sarah :D
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