View Full Version : Continuing struggle with depression
Hi Nic
Thanks for your message.
I've started this new thread as a continuation from Trying to Overcome Depression (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1444).
Dad and my brother had a falling out the other night because when my brother told him about my uncle, all Dad could talk about was him being sectioned. He doesn't understand about these kinds of problems at all.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Linda
It is a very difficult situation with Dad. Over the past few months I have come to realise how much his controlling behaviour affects me and has influenced some of the issues I am currently facing. However, as you say, he is still my Dad and I do love him, even though he really hurts me at times.
It is difficult for me to get away from him because he only lives 5 minutes away from me and he phones and calls round here fairly frequently. I try to head him off a bit by calling him first, but he still catches me out. It was worse when I was feeling a bit better because I think he had started to notice some changes in me and wanted to maintain his control. However, that isn't an issue at present because I haven't got the strength to challenge him.
I am really struggling with depression at present and quite often I do feel even worse after seeing him. I just don't really know what I can do about it. I am unable to say anything to him or stand up for myself because I don't feel able to handle a confrontation with him and he doesn't back down easily.
When he had a falling out with my brother the other night he refused to apologise and would have let the argument or the not talking continue if my brother hadn't made the first move. Dad has to be in control, no matter what.
I do have a big issue with eating currently. I suppose I have to say that according to the scales I am not overweight but I still feel fat. I think part of this issue is to do with being able to control something in my life, although I think there are other factors to it too.
This is a fairly new problem and one that I am only just beginning to admit to. I've been denying it to everyone, including myself. I started dieting a year ago because I was overweight and it has just got a bit out of hand. This is something I can do and succeed at. I feel like I am failing at everything else.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
03-02-05, 21:26
Thanks Karen
people should be able to read it now
Nicola
Karen,
I feel really sad for you over this issue with your dad--- you have realised over recent months what an effect his behaviour has had, & is having, in your life but because he has such a hold (& you love him) you become powerless to do anything about it.
(Believe me--realising & accepting what he has done is a major step for you in all this--& you have realised).
I think you have done well to try to "head him off" because you've realised his "melodramas" are not what you need! But I do understand how difficult it is for you to "put that distance" between you--because he lives so close & just calls in.
It is a vicious circle!
You say, " It was worse when I was feeling a bit better-----because he noticed changes in me". (I remember this because it was about the time I joined the forum & started to read your posts).
Yes, sadly, this is the 'brick wall' you may keep colliding with!
When you started to pick up a little, his behaviour seemed to worsen/intensify---his fear is that you will get better & not only see his bullying & intolerance for what it is---but actually refuse to accept it or give in to it anymore!
He has been doing this to you for over 30 years (? are my sums correct!)---a pattern of interaction between you has established itself where he controls by enforcing his views & opinions ( & bullies 'til he gets his own way)---& you give in. It's what he expects! What on earth would he do if you 'moved the goalposts' & fought back?
So---you started to feel a bit better--you slightly wobbled those goalposts---he starts to lose his normal easy control over you, panics, behaves more intolerantly than usual. There is probably a measurable ratio in here somewhere--the better you feel, the more bullying he becomes!
You start to feel better, he pushes you back down--& is able to keep you down because, as you say, "I haven't got the strength to challenge him".
The vicious circle--sadly, I think, he will attempt to push you back each time you make any progress. (Like 2 steps forward & 3 back!?)
This is what I meant earlier today about 'distancing', I think, even though I realise it's not possible at the moment.
Somehow you have to get to a point where he cannot push you back down--so that you have enough strength to refuse to be bullied by him.
That strength will come more quickly if he isn't able to keep reinforcing the old behaviour patterns.
This doesn't mean you have to ultimately challenge him in an aggressive way--just a little gentle self-assertion, maybe!
Believe me, it does & will happen however bleak it has all felt with him for so long. I remember my father's face when I eventually challenged him--a picture worthy of oils!--but it worked because he couldn't do it to me anymore because I wouldn't allow it!
Thankyou for being so honest about the eating problem.
The positive side is that you are aware of the probable 'control reasons' for it, you recognise it as a new & emerging problem, & you are not in denial about it.
The negative side is that by succeeding at 'eating control' you are helping to delay real successes in your life. You need the strength that food will give you to help you feel more positive, to move forward, to really get better---& to be able to control issues that will bring real successes!
Thinking of you,
Linda.
Hi Linda
Thank for your reply. It is true that when I started to challenge his control over me a little, he tried even harder to bring me back into line, using anything and every little reason he could think of. I was slowly regaining a bit of my own control from him and some independence, however that has slipped again now. The way I am feeling I don't have the strength to do anything about the situation I find myself in with him.
Now I am struggling with depression again I suppose he must in some way sense that he doesn't need to try so hard to dominate me, because things are back as they were at the beginning again. He still rings and calls round unannounced. He still demands to know what I am doing and tells me what to do, as well as still checking and opening some of my post. But it is different to how it was when I was feeling a little better.
I fear you are probably right about this being a vicious circle and whenever I try to make progress he will push me back down again. There are lots of reasons why I have sunk so far again, but the comments he makes and the negative things he says about me help to keep me down. This reinforces my negative self image and the worthlessness I feel.
I realise the only way to ever get out of this is to be able to stand up to him at some point and refuse to give in to his bullying. I can't do it at the moment and I'm not sure I will ever be able to. He holds the ultimate ace card - if I don't give in to him and yield to his wishes he can cut me off completely. He is my Dad and I can't risk it. I know these are not idle threats. He has cut off all contact with one of my brothers and refuses to have anything to do with him. I know he would do it again.
So really I feel that this is a situation that I can never win. I have lost one parent already because Mum has cut me out of her life. I really don't feel I can handle losing Dad too, no matter what he does.
Maybe things could have been different if I had been able to stand up for myself a long time ago. Maybe he would be able to respect me as a person then. But now it has been this way for too many years. I really don't see how it can change.
Regarding the eating problem, believe me I have been in denial about it and I still find it difficult to admit to. A couple of people have made me face up to the fact that I do have a problem. However, I still find it difficult to believe that it is as big a problem as other people think it is. I don't think I am thin or particularly underweight. I believe I have a long way to go yet and I don't see anything changing. I hear what everyone is saying about needing to eat to get better but I am still unable to make myself eat more. To me gaining weight is more terrible than any of the consequences of restricting my food intake.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I really am a complete failure at everything. After being forced to eat a big, fattening meal by Dad on Sunday, and then again on Wednesday this week, I haven't lost any weight and I hate myself because of it. I'm so fat and disgusting.
I can't even do this right now. I'm never going to get rid of all the fat if I carry on like this. I feel like I need to find a way to be stronger and more disciplined now to eat less. I'm obviously still being too much of a pig.
I hate being like this. I make a mess of everything and am not even able to succeed at this now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
04-02-05, 13:07
Hi karen
I have seen you and you are definitely not fat - trust me ok.
What weight are you and what weight do you want to be?
I am 3 stone overweight so I have a long way to go but I try breaking it down into smaller chunks.
Nicola
bluebottle
04-02-05, 13:54
Karen, you are capable of anything. Just because your past has been difficult it does not mean your future will be. You are an individual, a human being as good as any of us. Nobody is perfect 100% of the time, and nobody is imperfect 100% of the time. We are all individuals bumbling along doing our best, and you deserve a good and happy life, like everyone.
You will get there, don't worry, and don't be hard on yourself, I think you have already taken a big step toward a better life by joining this forum and meeting all of the lovely people on here.
razocaine_07
04-02-05, 14:01
hi karen, i just read what nomorepanic wrote about the weight thing. Im 5'9 and weigh 14stone, i used to sprint in athletics and some of the muscle has been replaced with fatty tissue. Anyway, i get told all the time that im overweight by everyone. What i have learnt is that its difficult to say whether you are over weight by X amount because everyone has a different build. But at the end of the day its about you being comfortable with you. I know i dont know you, but by going on what people have said, i doubt you are overweight.
Hi Nicola
Thanks for your reply. People tell me I am not fat but I feel fat and it is what I see about myself.
I'm not sure I want to say how much I weigh on here. I'm not sure how much more I want to lose, maybe another stone. I suppose I want to keep losing weight until I feel happy about myself.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks for your support Bluebottle. I suppose part of my problem is that I am a perfectionist and I believe that everything I do has to be perfect or else I have failed.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks Razocaine. It is hurtful to be told you are overweight all the time. I used to be a lot fatter than I am now and my Dad in particular always told me I was fat and should lose weight. Now I'm losing weight he is trying to sabotage me and get me to put it on again.
I think what you said is right about being comfortable with ourselves. The fact is I am not comfortable with myself and still believe I am overweight. Therefore I need to keep dieting. I have even failed at doing that though this week and feel terrible about myself.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Sorry for not posting for a while. Part of the reason is because I've been a bit low myself this past few days but the other reason is that I am not sure really what to say to you for the best - other people on here seem to have much better advice than I could offer you!
One thing I can identify with you about is the self-loathing. I feel like that alot of the time too - mainly just that I'm a failure at everything.
It started years ago - I would blame myself if I did badly in an exam, I hated myself for failing my driving test (even though I passed second time!).
It's not just the usual thing where people feel down when they do badly, I used to torment myself and tell myself how pathetic i was if I couldn't even do xxxx right (substitute xxxx for anything that went badly in my life!).
When I got pregnant a few years ago I had a miscarriage and I blamed myself big time for that - told myself I couldn't even do that right. Then when I got pregnant again and had my son - I worried so much about his health and convinced myself he had a genetic illness and even got to the point of blaming myself for that as well - in that I gave him the illness so it was my fault. Also, I blamed myself for not being a better mother as I was so anxious all the time.
I have fought hard to get out of it and I am much better now and know that it's not possible to continually blame myself for anything that's bad - not only is it impractical it's also terribly exhausting and would leave me with little energy to do anything positive.
So now I try and focus on the positive things, no matter how small. ie. I managed to enjoy xxxxx without feeling bad, I managed to do this reasonably well, etc. etc.
Chin up - I wish I could help you more but you know we are all here for you.
Take Care
razocaine_07
04-02-05, 14:31
I know what your saying karen, 'cos i used to be very fit, it hit me hard when i started to get out of shape and i wasnt used to being seen by people as fat. If you do want to lose weight, i always stick by the fact that gentle exercise along with a good diet, that isnt restricting is the best way. Walking 10-20 minutes a day is really good. Everyone thinks you have to slog your guts out, believe me you dont.
hi i couldnt read your other postings because my pc wouldnt open them but just thought i would say maybe trying to tackle too many issues at once ie; your father, your weight, feeling a failure etc is bound to make you feel this way but concentrate on the good things even if its only a little thing each day like not thinking bout your weight or ignoring the phone when your father calls and praise yourself for doing it and remember there is light at the end of the tunnel its just some find it takes longer to getr there than others
fan x
Thanks Fan. I do have a lot of issues to deal with and you are right that it gets overwhelming. The trouble with praising myself is that I never believe I have done anything worthy of praise.
Razocaine: I don't get much exercise at the moment, mainly because I'm feeling so depressed and don't feel like getting out of bed half the time. I'm not able to eat a normal diet anymore. The mere thought of eating more than I am currently panics me in case I gain weight. I try to avoid going to my Dad's as much as possible because it is the one day every week where I am forced to eat more and I find it difficult to do without getting very distressed. Thanks for your suggestions.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
razocaine_07
04-02-05, 16:24
Yeah i know how the food thing can spiral into what it is for you now. I used to resort to forcing down fruit cocktail outta tins, just to keep my sugar levels ok. I suffer from ME and i know what its like where you spend the whole day in bed or just the thought of it takes all the energy you have, mentally and physically
Hi Mell
Sorry to hear you've been feeling low. Don't worry about posting to me, you need to look after yourself when you are feeling this way. Your posts are helpful. I worry in the same way when I post to people too because I don't think I've got anything helpful to say.
I can certainly relate to feeling like a failure from an early age. My parents were never happy with the grades I got at school and said I should do better. Eventually I started to believe I was a failure if I didn't get top marks in everything, expecting myself to be able to be perfect at every subject, which of course I couldn't be. I passed all my exams at school but thought my grades were not good enough, and the same happened at college.
I still feel scared of taking on new courses in case I can't do them well enough. I've just decided to drop two courses I had enrolled to do with the Open University because I don't think I can handle the work, particularly not with the way I am feeling at present. I hadn't even started them but now feel like a failure for quitting.
I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. There is no way you were to blame. It must have been such a difficult time for you. I think it is understandable that you worried about your son's health when he was born. I know you are working hard on this though and are doing well.
I appreciate your support.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Good to hear from you. It sounds like you've had a rough time - it would be great if the fact that you have had a hard time in the past was one of the reasons to make sure the future isn't like that as well - but I know that's easier said than done.
I am just starting an OU course as well - I did a couple about 3 years ago and had a break when I had my son. It was tough but I am really pleased I did them and have decided to continue now because although I worry like you that I can't keep up, I know it has to be worth a shot.
I would love to say to you that we should do a deal - you decide not to drop your courses and we'll keep in touch throughout them to give each other some moral support but I don't know if you'd be interested ?
The last thing I want to do is give you more pressure, but I just know if you could give it a shot and start your courses that it may turn out to be just the distraction you need. Or maybe even just do one course this year and see how you go ?
What do you think ?? Give it some thought and let me know, it would be fantastic if you could do that - definitely a positive step.
Take Care
Hi Mell
It is great that you are taking a new course this year. What OU course are you doing?
The problem for me is that I enrolled for two OU courses, plus a distance learning counselling course. At the time I was feeling a lot better than I am now and thought I needed the distraction, something to keep me occupied.
Now, however, I am struggling just getting through the day without the added pressure of studying and the thought that I will fail anyway.
I have decided to drop out of the OU courses. I feel completely mentally exhausted with everything that is going on with me at present. I know that if I try to keep up with the work and do badly I will just make myself feel so much worse. I have a problem with never thinking anything I do is good enough and having to keep re-doing it until I think I can't improve it anymore. I just don't have the energy or inclination to do that at the moment.
I am going to try to perservere with the counselling course, although I haven't even managed to do the first assignment yet. At least this course doesn't have any deadlines and therefore I am not under the same pressure to get the work done. We can still give each other moral support if you like.
I haven't been this bad with depression for a long time and right now am unable to see a way out of it. I feel like everything is piling up on top of me and I'm being pushed further under. There are too many issues to deal with here and it has all got too much.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
You have felt this low before and you have come through it so there is no reason that you can't do it this time.
I think you are doing the right thing by only taking the one course at the moment. You don't want to push yourself too hard when you aren't feeling too well. I'm sure that you will do well on this course and then you will have the courage to continue with other ones.
Chin up!!
Sarah :D
Thanks for your support Sarah.
I haven't been this low for a long time and I am finding it so difficult to get through the day. I know I cause myself a lot of this distress but everything is piling up on top of me and I don't know how to get out from under it. I feel like I am being pushed further down every day.
I just know that today is going to be a bad day. I hope I can get a few hours sleep this morning. I rarely hear from K on a Saturday which just makes everything so much more difficult to cope with.
I wish I had some hope that things will improve but I can't see it happening.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
05-02-05, 10:30
Hi Karen,
Can I recommend a book? I think it may help you.
"Depression: The Way Out of Your Prison"
Dorothy Rowe; Paperback; £9.99 (Amazon UK)
I got it yesterday and have already read 108+ pages.
You will get better, and it will be OK.
Hi Bluebottle
Thanks for the book recommendation. This was also recommended to me be someone else and I have already read it. I agree that it is a good book.
I hope you find it helpful.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I am feeling very low again today. I just wish all of this would stop. My head feels like it is about to explode with all the thoughts that keep going round and round. I just can't switch off.
I had to weigh myself again this morning and still haven't lost any weight so I have to be strong and not eat anything today. I need to get this moving again. This was the only thing I was succeeding at but now I feel like a complete failure. I hate myself for being so fat and so greedy for eating too much. I can't stand being like this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
It seems you've been getting more concerned about your weight recently. I'm not going to go on about how it shouldn't be an issue, because I know that that isn't what you want to hear and that you're still going to think about it regardless. But I'm sure that you understand that a poor diet isn't an answer to it. Even though it shouldn't be an issue (sorry, I had to fit it in somewhere [B)]), maybe you are concerned about your weight, and maybe it would make you feel better if you did keep on losing weight. In which case, maybe you should take a more tacful approach to it. It's great that you thought you were having some success with this, but you're not a failure just because you've hit a bit of a bad patch, you can still pick up on your progress in the future.
One of the best, healthiest and most efficient ways to lose weight, is to get plenty of exercise. And judging from your recent posts, you've been getting very little of this lately. Which is probably the single reason why you've stopped losing weight. Not eating won't make you anything but ill.
This is just a suggestion, but it appears that losing weight is something you'd really like to do. Maybe, you could make it something of a hobby, something to look forward to, and more importantly, something to get out of bed for. I know you're struggling with a lot of motivational issues at the moment, but I just thought that you could maybe try channelling some of this negative energy into positive energy (I don't know if you think that is possible, but worth thinking about). Instead of dreading every meal or avoiding meals, you can take satisfaction in healthy eating. You could start off with some light exercise (maybe just a walk round the block), and try building it up a little every day (you might be running round town in the end!).
I really wish I could explain all of this better, but I can't. All I'm trying to say, is that losing weight (the actual process of doing so) has the potential to be something really positive rather than negative. Something that could even help lift your depression, something that can give you more confidence, something that can get you outside more often and outside your comfort zone, something that can make you feel better on a daily basis, etc, etc, etc. You see what I'm trying to say. I know you probably don't feel up to it, but do have a think about it.
Take care
mico
bluebottle
05-02-05, 16:11
Karen,
I can give you some good advice about losing weight, but before I do I want to be sure that your weight is the issue, or if your weight is fine and you want to lose weight for reasons other than health etc...
Is the weight thing about you having some form of control, or not? I apologise for the probing questions.
Hi Mico and Bluebottle
Thanks for your suggestions. I am not getting any exercise at the moment even though I know the connection between the way exercise can help with depression. It is a motivational issue for me at present, although I have never really been into formal exercise. I used to enjoy doing an aqua-aerobic class with Jac but she had to give it up through lack of time and I don't feel able to go on my own. I think swimming could be good but again I wouldn't go alone and I can't actually swim.
The problem I have at present is that I don't actually want to go out. All I feel like doing to lazing around in bed or sitting at the computer so I can watch for K. Anything that tears me away from the computer increases my anxiety because of my need to check on K.
I have been thinking that I should do some exercise to speed up my weight loss, but would rather find something I can do at home.
The main problem here though is that other people are telling me that I am too thin already and need to gain weight, whereas I still feel fat and want to keep losing it.
I have heard the suggestion before about concentrating on eating healthily rather than dieting but although part of me sees the sense in this and wants to do it, a much bigger part of me needs to continue restricting food. I feel very guilty and ashamed of myself when I eat too much. It is like I see food as the enemy now, to be be avoided at all costs. I become very distressed at the thought of having to eat a normal meal and hate myself afterwards for having put all this bad stuff into my system.
I have been finding it difficult to admit what I have been doing and a lot of the time I think I am still in denial. I don't completely understand why I am doing this. I think there are several complex reasons, needing to feel in control of something being one of them. Another one is the belief that I will be happier, more lovable and a better person if I get thinner. A couple of people have asked me where I will stop and what weight I want to get to to achieve this. The answer is that I don't know. I just know that I am still too fat and weigh too much now and feel the need to keep going.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
05-02-05, 19:38
Karen, this link http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/page.cfm?pagecode=PBBFAN may shed some light on how your feeling. It may not. I hope it helps anyway.
Regards,
Blue
Hi Blue
Thanks for the link. I can identify with some of the reasons mentioned for restricting food and wanting to lose weight.
However, I still don't think I am underweight, and I have a long way to go before being considered anorexic. I do admit to having a bit of a problem with food and eating.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I wish something would change and I could stop feeling so bad. This morning I just have these feelings of gloom and I know it is going to be a bad day. I haven't had any sleep yet and all I want is to be able to sleep through the day so I don't have to face it.
I heard from K yesterday so it is very unlikely I will hear from her today. There isn't anything to get up for. She is the only reason I have for getting out of bed and if I don't have any contact with her I don't feel like doing anything.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
I don't wish to sound rude but it sounds like you really need to pull yourself together. I know that you are having a very difficult time at the moment but you are not beyond help. However, it is up to YOU to do something about it. You say that the only reason you get out of bed every day is because of K - this comment actually makes me shiver. It's a horrible and depressing thought!! Your day seems to consist of sitting in front of the computer all day and trying to avoid food at all costs - this is not a way to live your life and it is no wonder that you are depressed. As Mico says, starving yourself is NOT the way to lose weight and all you are going to do is make yourself ill. You already lack motivation and not eating will only increase that. Lots of people on this site care about you and take a lot of time to encourage you and try to help. However, until you try to help yourself, these efforts are all wasted I'm afraid. I don't wish to hurt you with these comments; I just think that you need to start putting some/more effort into things.
Sarah :D
Karen,
It is hard to know what to say that won't upset you or make you feel worse-----but Sarah is right.
You are not beyond help but you are the one who has to break into this downward spiral either by helping yourself with more positive thoughts or, if this isn't possible, by seeking help.
Yesterday you wrote, at 6.45a.m,---"I just know today is going to be a bad day---I rarely hear from K on a Saturday"
Today, at 6.02a.m, you wrote---"---feelings of gloom & I know today is going to be a bad day".
You write off each day before it has begun. Early each day you decide that it will be bad. So----each day doesn't stand much of a chance, does it? Each & every day is what we make of it, things do not change by miracles!
I have noticed that you are often very worried in advance about things which may. or may not, happen. I (like most people on here) fully understand this---the "what ifs" being a daily battle for most anxiety sufferers.
BUT, if you decide that today (& tomorrow)will be bad because yesterday was----. Maybe, each day deserves a chance in its own right?
Re the emerging eating problem--
As I said a couple of days ago--the positive side is that you are becoming aware of it & you have started to talk about it on here, even though you say you are still in denial. You have brought it out on here which is a start.
The negative side is that though you see not eating as a control success
---you are helping to delay real successes in your life. You need strength to overcome what you are going through---not eating is just making you weaker. You are using all your energies to not eat, & to follow K's movements.
You say--" I wish something would change". You know who has to change it, with outside help if that is the only way forward.
When people offer advice, help, sympathy---the 'easy' way is to always say 'I can't do it at the moment'---but nothing will change until you decide to change it. There are no magic wands, as you know!
Two things I need to ask---please don't be offended---
1. Have you met K or spoken to her on the phone (I know you have phone problems) or is she just an internet link?
2. This will no doubt make you think I've gone barmy but---
Do you want to get better? Or is that frightening as well?
Where do you think you should start in this process?
Linda.
Not eating anything at all will make you ill.
If you don't eat for ages and then have a big meal, you are more likely to pile weight on.
I would advise talking to your doctor or nurse before dieting.
If you really want to lose weight you need to eat small portions at regular intivals through the day and cut down on fat and sugar.
Distraction will help you a great deal, and that is what you need to work on.
Everynight before you go to bed make a list of what you are going to do the next day and try and stick to it.
For example: Today I will ...
Get up, washed and dressed.
Wash the dishes.
Check for mail and E-mail.
Have a walk around the garden.
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.
[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'
I think Linda made a very valid point there. Do you want to get better or is that frightening as well?
I have often wondered the same thing about myself although it sounds a really strange thing to say.
I think that when we are under the label of "depressed" or "anxious" then we tend to think and act in a certain way. To lose these labels is like losing our identity, although it would, of course, be in a positive way.
Without these labels we are now completely different people. We would be positive people. But, along with the good feelings of having shaken off our label, we also have the added thoughts that we now have no reason not to go out and try new things. We now have no label to hide behind, which I think on occasion, acts as a comfort blanket to enable us to put off doing things which we may otherwise have a go at.
For the first 20 years that I suffered, I didn't tell anyone outside of my imediate family. I made excuse after excuse to workmates why I couldn't go out with them etc etc.
However, when I decided to come clean and admit that I had anxiety (though I never told the whole story!) I think I took the easy way out.
I was then never expected to be able to attend work functions so I never gave myself the chance to try it and push back the boundaries.
I'm sure that a lot of us have found ourselves in this situation. Although people think they are helping by being sympathetic, we all know, deep down, that the only way forward is to face the situation head on, no matter how intense the feelings of anxiety.
It is very hard to start living in a totally new and positive way. I don't know whether total cure is ever possible. But, until we are 100% sure that we want to be this "new" person then our attitude to our problems will always hold us back.
Sometimes it's just easier to stay in the same old rut and I know that I'm very guilty of doing this.
It definately is frightening taking the new route but very worthwhile when you get at least some pleasure out of life once again.
Love Kate x
nomorepanic
07-02-05, 14:40
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> I think that when we are under the label of "depressed" or "anxious" then we tend to think and act in a certain way. To lose these labels is like losing our identity, although it would, of course, be in a positive way.
Without these labels we are now completely different people. We would be positive people. But, along with the good feelings of having shaken off our label, we also have the added thoughts that we now have no reason not to go out and try new things. We now have no label to hide behind, which I think on occasion, acts as a comfort blanket to enable us to put off doing things which we may otherwise have a go at.
Love Kate x
<div align="right">Originally posted by kate - 06 February 2005 : 23:11:21</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Kate - this struck a chord with me because I am guilty of this. I know it sounds stupid but sometimes I am happy with my fear of public transport as it makes my life easier. For example, work know that it is not easy for me to drive to London and I won't go on the train so I am never pushed into going or asked to go to meetings there. Also if I have to look for another job then they know I am not able (or is that prepared to try) going on a train so I have to be given a local job.
I think that I am using my phobias and illness to my advantage and I know that is not good but it suits me!
I am going to try to do something more this year - maybe going in the car with someone other than Alex and then maybe this will help me get in a taxi again. Trains I am not sure about and planes - we shall see [:P]
Karen - hope you are doing ok today. Do try and eat regularly and at least 3 or 4 small meals a day. If you don't eat atall then the body thinks it is starving to death so it holds on to all the reserves it has to conserve energy. Then you won't lose weight. Make sure you drink a lot of water cos that fills you up as well.
Nicola
i noticed in the whole of this topic that you havent really said one thing relating to yourself that is good maybe you need to really forget the weight and other bad issues you have and just spend a whole day looking out for the one good thing you might do it could be something small like finding yourself humming along to the radio or just laughing to yourself about something you see or hear but there has got to be something in the day that makes you smile so look for it the other issues are still gonna be there but in finding it you have cracked a little through the darkness your living in
fan x
Karen,
How are you, hope that you are coping.
Did you go to your therapist today? Hope it was positive for you.
Linda.
Hi Karen
You haven't posted for a little while, which isn't like you, are you ok?
We are all here for you chuck
Take care
Elaine x
Hi Karen
I know I don't reply to your post but I always read them.
I noticed too that you have not posted for a while.
How are you?
Thinking of you
LOTS LOVE JILLXXX
hope your ok you havent posted recently
fan x
after speaking to you i hope to see you posting more often and with loads of positive stuff i know you can do it
fan x
Thank you all for your posts. Just to let you know I'm still around, although I'm not posting much. I don't feel able to say anything positive right now and so I thought it best not to say anything.
I feel that some of you think I'm not even trying and I know not everyone knows what it is like to suffer from clincal depression, which is where I am at present, along with the other issues. I don't want to annoy or upset anyone so I feel it is best not to say anything.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">1. Have you met K or spoken to her on the phone (I know you have phone problems) or is she just an internet link?
<div align="right">Originally posted by bubbles - 06 February 2005 : 19:56:07</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Just to answer your question Linda. I haven't met or spoken to K. But I still feel I know her pretty well now and she certainly knows me after our months of almost daily corresponding.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
17-02-05, 10:58
Hi Karen.
You said; "I know not everyone knows what it is like to suffer from clinical depression". This is true for some people here, but speaking for myself I do know. I have known for more years than I can remember. So if you ever want help through this difficult time all you have to do is ask. Either through the forum here or you can email me.
Everyone here is on your side, all they want is for you to be happy and well. This is the truth. Reach out Karen, and you will be surprised how many friends you have.
Regards,
Blue
--
Take little steps and remember it is OK if your recovery is not a smooth one.
" I feel that some of you think I'm not even trying".
From all the postings that I have read in this and the previous thread, nothing could be further from the truth.
Everyone has given you nothing but understanding and helpful suggestions, everyone wants to see you get better.
I also know exactly what it feels like to suffer with depression. I first suffered at age 19 and I am well aware of how you feel.
But, where depression is involved, professional help is necessary and medication was the only thing that lifted my mood sufficiently to allow me to tackle the underlying causes. If one medication doesn't work, then keep trying until you find the one that does.
When we are depressed we have very negative feelings. I'm sure that you feel that people think you are not trying because they are suggesting things to you that you feel you couldn't do in a million years!
This is down to the depression, the way it makes us feel, the total despair, the thought that nothing is do able.
People aren't judging you, Karen. Even if they have no experience of depression they have their own mental health problems, which brought them all here in the first place.
Everyone here, without exception, is sympathetic and understanding to all other members. No one is annoyed or upset with you. A public forum is here for EVERYONE, for the happy posts and for the lowest times that you can ever experience.
It is the depression making you think your negative thoughts about everyone here. Don't let it win by denying you your right to post your feelings here.
Love Kate xxx
Blue: Thanks for your post and the offer of support. I have read your posts and realise you too have suffered from depression. I appreciate your support.
Kate: I appreciate your support. Thank you. I realise I am not thinking too clearly at the present time due to the depression and other factors. I didn't mean to imply that people are not being sympathetic, just that I tend to be easily hurt and take things the wrong way at times.
I wish I could see a way out of this depression but every day is just filled with total despair. I realise medication can give people a break and enable them to start working on the issues involved to overcome their problems. I just really don't want to take antidepressants.
I'm having problems with dad today. He phoned a short while ago to tell me that I have to go with him to a solicitor's appointment next Thursday. He didn't ask me if I would go with him or tell me why, he just demanded that I go. The appointment is at 9.30 in the morning too and I'm not getting to sleep until about 7.00 am at present so it means I won't get any sleep the night before.
Why can't he leave me alone? He is on holiday next week and has already said that he will seeing a lot more of me. I just want to be left alone.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi dont be too down on taking anti depressants you have tried without and it doesnt seem to be working why not give them a go say for 6 months and if you feel the same come off them at least you will have given another option a go, you are juggling far too many balls with your problems and cant sort them all at once try the meds to get yourself on an even base then you can build on that slowly (you wouldnt build a house on sand would you?)
dont feel too bad about your dad i too found that my family really bullied me always telling what i was going/had to do just try saying sorry im busy that day even if your not you might have to say this a few times but eventually it sinks in that your not there for their every call
fan x
Karen,
Good to see you posting again, but sad to read that you feel that some people on here do not understand.
Nobody is annoyed or upset by anything you need to say. All the people who post to you do so because they want to see you get better, they want you to find a way out of the depression you are in. Sometimes what they say isn't what you want to hear---because they are trying to motivate you to find a tiny 'chink of light' in the depression, a small step forward---&, as you feel right now, you cannot begin to imagine taking up any of those suggestions. So, peoples help & understanding becomes threatening to you, that's the depression "talking", not the intention of the people who post to you.
All this is understood by anyone who has suffered with depression---but we have to try to help you, not going to just give up on you, eh?
I think that many people who post on here have suffered with depression in some way or other. I have at several times during my colourful life----usually brought on by various life events such as my mother dying suddenly, my partner of 10 years moving in with 'the bird' two doors away, & the most recent-- following on from an illness in 2003 which resulted in emergency surgery & a bit of a 'mortality check'! It was this last bout that led to the anxiety & panic---which brought me to this site. Sometimes there seems to be no cause for the depression--just comes "out of the blue"---.
Nobody is judging you, just trying to help. If we go on suggesting what may seem impossible at present, something may just have a meaning, & help you.
Sorry to hear about the latest hassle with your dad.
Linda. x
Thanks Fan and Linda.
I wasn't prepared for Dad's phone call this evening and don't feel strong enough to stand up to him, so I just agreed as usual. It is just that this is the last thing I need at the moment.
Linda, you are right that I don't feel able to do any of the suggestions made by people at present. I know something has to change but I am too tired and exhausted, and everything feels so hopeless. I didn't feel like I could keep saying this though.
My new therapist is being really helpful, as is K. It helps in a way that they know each other and they had a conversation the other day about finding the best way to help me.
They both feel I need more help and support than I've got at present but getting more help means a visit to the doctors, which I've been resisting because I'm too scared and feel like I will be losing control of everything. My therapist is going to make some phone calls for me to see if I can change to a female doctor because I don't feel comfortable with my current GP. She has also said that she will arrange to accompany me to see the doctor, or arrange for someone else to be with me, to make sure my needs are put across and I'm not steamrollered into something I don't want.
I'm still really petrified about going this route but will wait to see if she has any luck in finding me a different doctor first.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
Good to hear that you are finding the new therapist helpful. Also, with her knowing K & their being able to talk together about the best way to help you--that's extra supportive for you.
It does sound as though the new therapist understands, & appreciates your concerns about your current GP. Maybe a change of doctor (preferably to a female one)+ supportive company for that dreaded first visit will lead to the beginnings of a breakthrough for you.
Good luck with it all, thinking of you,
Linda. x
PS. I have a male GP who is fine, for me, for most things, but not for "head stuff". When I had the major 'do' last October I was fortunate in seeing the female partner at the practice---she understood & was helpful & non-judgemental, & this , in itself, helped me at the time.
(I just re-read my PS--apologies to male GP's but it was just best for me that I was able to see the lady doc about this particular matter!)
Hi Karen
Good to see your new post.
I am really pleased your new therapist has been a help, that is what you needed so much. A fresh outlook on it all.
Standing up to your dad has been hard but on occasions you had done it, but it will take time to get there altogether, but until then just look at the progress you have made. You have done so well, look at that and that in itself will give you lots of confidence.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
hi glad to hear you feeling your getting somewhere with the new therapist what does she do with you/do you go to her or she comes to you.........sorry for the questions but just wondered what sort of help she gives or is it just support i found that the person supporting me really just kept me where i was at and didnt really help me get any further forward (she just said stuff like "its ok to be like this way" etc rather than moving me on
fan x
Thanks Sal and Fan
Fan - I go to my therapist for appointments. It isn't just support. She is working with me on my issues.
I'm not doing well this morning. I'm feeling really low. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I'm feeling dizzy too but I don't really care about that.
I feel anxious not knowing whether I will hear from K today as it is the weekend. I won't be able to cope if she doesn't have time to get in contact.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi im not too sure who "k" is (i know i should try to keep up lol) but do you think you might be getting too reliant on her/him you say you wont be able to cope if she doesnt have time to get in contact . why cant you cope with out daily contact with her? try not worrying about wether or not she will be in touch and get yourself busy its hard if you dont feel motivated i know but every bit of exercise helps just spring clean the house or something just to distract yourself and keep your mind busy
fan x
It's not that easy Fan. K is all that is important in my life. Without her I don't want to live. Contact from her is the only thing that keeps me going.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
19-02-05, 13:46
Hi Karen,
If K is there for you then you don't have to worry, she will always be there for you. What you have to try to do is allow yourself to become stronger as a person in your own right. This doesn't mean losing K, just the opposite, because as you become stronger you will have a more fulfilling life together.
When we are depressed we tend to need people more and think that without their continuous presence we will be destroyed, but that isn't true. For both of you Karen, you should concentrate on getting better and doing the things that you know will help achieve this.
Thinking of you Karen. :)
Regards,
Blue
--
Take little steps and remember it is OK if your recovery is not a smooth one.
Thanks Blue. I think I should clarify that K is a contact on another forum and not physically part of my life. She has been a great support to me since I first had contact with her last July. However, just because she isn't here with me physically, doesn't make her any less important to my life.
I have written an awful lot about my relationship with her in my previous thread so don't want to repeat it all again here. But I do have a problem with attachment and obsession. She knows all about this and has been fantastic, promising to stay with me and see me through this. I have a huge fear of rejection, I think stemming from problems in my relationship with my Mum, who has continually rejected me since I was a child.
I'm not doing too well today. I only managed to get out of bed a couple of hours ago and am now trying to stay up, but all I want to do is hide away in bed and shut the world out. I don't feel like getting dressed or doing anything. I'm also feeling dizzy and nauseous, but it is the emotional pain that is the hardest to deal with. I just feel like my life is pointless and find it difficult to believe there is any hope of getting better.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
sorry i had the wrong end of the stick i did think k was your partner or something...........thats why i asked about being too reliant on one person as sometimes that person might have been keeping you where you were instead of getting better for their own gain ie:you needing them etc i noticed when you post on other threads that you have some reallly positive thoughts and ideas to share so you are quite strong inside i think and you will be able to work through your problems. im sorry you felt bad today but try every day to at least get dressed even if your not going any where its a struggle i know but that sort of small step leads to bigger ones
fan x
I'm feeling pretty exhausted again today. I finally went to bed at 8.00 am and was awake again 2 hours later. I spent most of last night talking online to someone from my other forum who was suicidal. I think she got through the night in the end, at least I hope so.
This afternoon I have another one who is threatening to kill herself and I'm trying to help her. They all seem to happen at once.
I forced myself to get up and dressed today, although I didn't feel like it and just wanted to stay in bed. I can't leave the computer because I'm too worried about this girl and need to keep checking whether she's posted again.
Nic: Thanks for your suggestion about the Slim Fast drinks last night. However, I've looked into it and they contain over 200 calories each which is too much for me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
Am glad to see that you are posting again. I know that my last post sounded very harsh and probably did hurt you and I am very sorry for that. My intention wasn't to hurt you but to simply try to put things into perspective for you, which I probably didn't achieve. As the others have been telling you, we all post because we care about you and want to help you in any way we can. It might just be how you word things in your post, but it just sometimes sounds to me that you don't try very hard and have pretty much given up. But like I said, it is probably just my misinterpretation.
It's good that you are helping people on the other site. It just goes to show that you HAVE made progress. Sorry to hear that your dad has forced you into doing yet something else that you don't want to do. You have tried to stand up to him in the past and have got hurt as a result so maybe it is just best to try to avoid him and deal with him when you have to. Take care.
Sarah :D
nomorepanic
20-02-05, 17:20
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
Nic: Thanks for your suggestion about the Slim Fast drinks last night. However, I've looked into it and they contain over 200 calories each which is too much for me.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 20 February 2005 : 16:26:02</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Karen
They are a meal replacement though - so you have one for breakfast and lunch so that is fine. That will only be 400 calories and you need to be on about 1000 a day to lose weight.
They taste nice too!
Nicola
Hi Nic
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">They are a meal replacement though - so you have one for breakfast and lunch so that is fine. That will only be 400 calories and you need to be on about 1000 a day to lose weight.
<div align="right">Originally posted by nomorepanic - 20 February 2005 : 17:20:54</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I agree they are probably alright for most people, but that's more calories than I'm eating at present,
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
if you have an eating disorder which restricts what you eat then surely to have these drinks will help as your getting the calories you need with out having to eat massive meals which you cant do at present, also although it is helpful that you sat up all night with the other people do you not think it might be too much of a drain on you at a time when your struggling to keep yourself afloat i know they need helping but by exausting yourself doing it you will have nothing left for yourself at a time when you need it most
fan x
Karen,
Did you mean you are eating less than 400 or 1000 cals a day?
Kate x
Hi Fan
I have known the woman on the other forum who I was posting to last night for several months now. This isn't the first time she has been suicidal and she has overdosed in the past so I wanted to help her in any way I could. I've been there and can understand how she was feeling. It seemed to help her get through the night and that's all that matters.
The second girl today I was really concerned about too but she has said she is ok now so I hope she will be alright until tomorrow when she said she can talk to the person she trusts. K also PM'd me to give me some advice on how to help her which was really kind of her and helped me a lot.
I know I am not in the best mental state myself at the moment but I can't ignore posts from people that are this desperate. I'd never forgive myself if there was something I could have done and didn't take any action. Mostly they just need to know someone is there and understands how they are feeling.
Regarding the drinks, it doesn't matter whether it is food or liquids, it is the amount of calories and fat that concerns me. So consuming the calories in a drink is just as bad for me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Did you mean you are eating less than 400 or 1000 cals a day?
<div align="right">Originally posted by kate - 20 February 2005 : 17:36:47</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I meant I am eating considerably less than 1000 cals a day, although it varies slightly as I have learnt that this is the way to ensure the weight loss continues.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
i understand they need help karen but also dont forget to save some energy for yourself, im not sure how many calories you are supposed to need each day but think that would still be well under the recommended amount, how many do you actually consume a day at the moment?
fan x
Fan, I just kind of answered that question in my above post to Kate.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
yeah sorry i think we were posting at the same time.......
has the eating been going on as long as the depression or did you have it before? also how are you going on with the therapist did she manage to find you a new gp yet
fan x
Karen,
It's good that you were able to help those other people & shows that you have made some progress, even if it doesn't feel that way. Save some time for you as well though, as Fan suggested.
Re the eating problem--if you are eating less than 1000 calories each day your body will think it's starving & go into "survival mode"---& then you won't lose weight anyway. Also, as we have talked about before--you need energy from your food to help you on the path forward to feeling better. And yes---I know you know this---easier said than done!
Thinking of you, Linda. x
Fan: I've had depression off and on since I was about 12. The eating problem is more recent. It just kind of crept up on me over the last few months.
No news from my therapist on finding a new GP yet.
Linda: I know not eating enough isn't helping my mental state but I am finding it impossible to eat more. Whenever I try I just get incredibly anxious and panic about gaining weight.
I'm finding I am still slowly losing weight with what I'm doing at the moment. I know about the starvation survival mode but slightly varying calorie intake within strict limits seems to work. I know it isn't good but I find myself unable to stop.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
20-02-05, 22:32
Karen,
You have to start helping yourself. Unless you do you will not get better. Unless you follow the good advice your getting you will continue to feel bad. If you follow the advice you will get better, it really is that simple. I know you want to feel well and live a happy and fulfilling life, so make that choice, choose health and happiness over ill health and depression.
If you don't feel like doing something it doesn't matter, just do it. Depression will make you feel like doing nothing, that is why we fight it by doing the opposite of what it wants. Make a list of the things your going to do everyday, at the same time.
1: Get up at 7:00am (your choice of time)
2: Get dressed as soon as you get up.
3: Have a wash/shower/bath (your choice)
4: Wash the dishes
5: Put some washing in the machine
6: Have a cup of tea/coffee/pop
7: BREAK TIME :o)
8: Go for a walk (it doesn't matter how far)
9: LUNCH TIME/Computer Time
Etc...
This list is just an example, but by following a routine you are putting structure back into your life and it will make you feel much better after a while. Exercise is great as well for helping to lift your spirits.
Do it Karen, get angry with what depression has taken from you, and be determined to get it back. You can do much more than you think you can, we all can.
(((Karen)))
Regards,
Blue
--
Japanese Proverb:
Fall seven times; stand up eight.
blue is so right you have to take control, you are counting every calorie you eat and yes that gives you control over your body but you need to put that energy into taking back control of your mind get your head sorted out first then worry about the weight, food is fuel your body cannot function with out it let alone your brain you couldnt run a car with out petrol the same applies to your body
fan x
I know you all mean well but I don't feel able to do it. Today has really been the pits and I'm not coping at all well. I haven't heard from K and I've been struggling with the obsessive thoughts that she has come to harm or that I've done something to upset her. Days like this just push me over the edge.
Maybe you are all right and I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I don't even care any more. I sometimes feel like just giving up. I feel like I don't want to live with this pain and anguish anymore. The only thing that stops me acting on these feelings is the thought of K. Without her I really would not care.
You can all be quite justified in telling me how I have failed today, as in fact I keep failing. It has been too hard to cope with the utter despair I feel and I've spent all day in bed, not feeling like doing anything. I hate myself.
I feel so alone and yet it is my fault because I've shut everyone out. The truth is that the only person I really want to be with is K and I know this is impossible.
You all can be totally justified in being cross with me and can tell me that I should try harded, but the fact is no one could possibly hate me more than I hate myself.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
no one here feels you have failed today neither does any one feel cross , you have to understand we have been where you are now and know that it can get better we want to help you thats why we post here knowing that it might motivate you to look at your life from a more positive angle there is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to try head towards it
fan x
just to add i also noticed some of your postings on here are at 2 or 3 in the morning so you are not sleeping either. without food and sleep your body cannot function so no wonder you feel so desperate all the time you are depriving it of the things it really needs i think you might need other help with this so really advise that you see your gp i dont think you can beat it alone
fan x
bluebottle
21-02-05, 18:25
Karen,
Why not contact The Samaritans.
http://www.samaritans.org/index.shtm
They are always there and you can even email them if you prefer.
Regards,
Blue
--
Japanese Proverb:
Fall seven times; stand up eight.
Blue: I've had contact with The Samaritans in the past by email but it wasn't helpful. I may be feeling so desperate that I don't want to go on but the thought of K prevents me from doing anything about it.
Fan: I've been having difficulty sleeping for a while but it is worse at the moment. I'm still waiting to hear from my therapist to find out whether she had any luck with changing my GP.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
keep pestering until you get somewhere im sure it will be of great benefit to you when you do. i take medication for sleep as i know there is nothing like being awake and alone in the early hours when your body is desperate for sleep and your brain wont switch off . It gives you too much time to think and mine were never positive thoughts so i had do do something about it
fan x
I know lack of sleep doesn't help but it isn't what is making things so difficult to cope with. It's not hearing from K today that is just one thing too much to cope with. I get so distressed when she isn't in contact.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
You say that the lack of sleep is not what is making things difficult to cope with.
Karen---you know that lack of sleep makes anything & everything more difficult to deal with! Even non-stressed, non-anxious people can't cope without enough sleep.
Lack of sleep may not be causing the problems--but it certainly isn't helping in the finding of any solutions. Everything will feel worse, surreal even, because you are so tired.
As many people have said many times---you are not a failure & no-one is cross with you. I know that you already know & feel most of the stuff that we say/suggest but, as I said in a previous post, we aren't going to give up on you, girl---you are worth so much more than that!
And we keep trying in the hope that something that is said might just spark something in you--& start the ball rolling towards better health.
I did ask the following a couple of weeks ago---& I apologise again for asking it-----Do you want to get better?
Now, I know that this sounds like a very silly & bizarre question. Nobody wants to feel as you have been feeling---BUT getting well can be a frightening experience in itself especially if the depression has gone on for a long time. The first steps on that path are likely to be daunting to say the least. But, somewhere, you have to start.
Be angry with the depression, not with yourself.
Linda. x
Hi Linda
I realise lack of sleep is not helping, but what I meant was that it is not the cause of why I'm feeling so bad today. Lack of sleep isn't helping me to be able to think clearly, along with a number of other things.
Most of the time I feel like everyone should give up on me. I do already know the things I should be doing to help myself get better, however from where I am at present, I just feel unable to do any of it. I'm too tired, mentally and physically, and I feel that it is all hopeless.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I did ask the following a couple of weeks ago---& I apologise again for asking it-----Do you want to get better?
<div align="right">Originally posted by bubbles - 21 February 2005 : 19:50:29</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
As you say, no one wants to feel like this, and I certainly don't want to, so yes I do want to get better. However, I also realise that there are ways I am sabotaging myself. I am unable to give up some of the feelings and behaviours that help to keep me depressed.
For example, my attachment to K. Whilst I recognise how much pain and distress my obsession with her causes me, I don't want to give it up because I believe that I need her and my life will be over if she isn't part of it.
Another way I am making life difficult for myself is with my current eating problems, and again although I know this is unhealthy and people are telling me that it is adding to my inability to think clearly, I don't feel able to do anything about it. The mere thought of eating normally fills me with terror, and as for gaining weight, I think I would rather die than do this. So although I do want to recover from this and be able to eat normally, a big part of me doesn't want to give this behaviour up.
I think these are the two areas where I am resisting change the most. I do want to recover from depression. I'd like to have a normal life and be able to do things that have been too difficult up until now. My social phobia is something else that I would need to overcome before standing any chance of doing this too. I think the problem is that I don't believe anything will change. I've lived like this for so long that I don't know what it is like to be without fear, or depression, or hopelessness.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen,
im sorry to read that you are struggling in such a deep depression at the moment. try and keep your chin up, you never know what the future will be. eat what you can, sleep when you can.
you take care ... andrew
Hi Karen
I am a new member and am on medication for depression. I'm overweight but probably because I'm older it doesn't bother me. When I was younger I had a real problem with my mother and at times I hated her and wished she was dead. It's different now and my depression has nothing to do with that problem.
What you feel is what you feel and its real. Nobody can tell you how to feel about anything because you feel what you feel. The only sure thing is that nothing changes until you change. You might never change your dad but you sure can change yourself and that's what therapy does.
Love and prayers
I'm not coping again today. I haven't heard from K and I'm feeling really desperate now. I'm scared that she is hurt or am again worrying that I've done something wrong. I know how pathetic this is but I can't handle not hearing from her.
I don't want to do anything. I know I am giving in by just staying in bed all day but I don't want to do anything. I just want to shut the day out. I'm struggling with the urge to self-harm again. I hate myself for being to weak and pathetic.
I also feel like I need to starve myself again today. It is another way of dealing with the pain and anguish. I need to punish myself and make myself suffer. I deserve it. I can't control this situation with K but I can control whether I eat or not and that's what I need to do right now.
I just want this pain to end.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
sorry to hear your having another bad day........ i take from the fact you state im staying in bed all day but still posting means the pc is in your bed room maybe taking it out would be a good idea then if you dont get out of bed you cant use the pc that would be one step nearer at least you will be up. you say you feel like you need to starve yourself today why not turn that around to.....i need to eat today put a positive in not a negative you are punishing yourself and say you deserve it well no one deserves the life you have at the moment you are worth much more than this but you need to tell yourself you are.
fan x
Yes my pc is in the bedroom and I can't move it. There is nowhere else to put it and I need help to move it anyway. I don't think it would make any difference. I wouldn't feel any more like getting out of bed than I do now. I would still just get up to check the computer and then go back to bed again.
Maybe I should be turning the eating thing around, but I don't want to eat and the more distressed I get, the less I want to eat anything at all.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
i have my pc in my spare room its freezing in here so i only spend small amount of time here in one go then go off and do something else.
you really are in a vicious circle wjich will be hard to get out of but any more news on the change of gp? if not why not ring your usual one i know you feel he doesnt help but anything is better than nothing you can be getting help whilst waiting to transfer
fan x
No news of the change of GP yet. I've got an appointment with my therapist tomorrow morning and I'm waiting to see what she says.
I can't face going to the doctors on my own and I really don't want to see a doctor at all. I'm scared that things will be taken out of my hands and I'll no longer be in control of anything that happens to me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
good to hear your seeing the therapist tomorrow, you say you dont want things to be taken out of your hands and thats why you have to go to him if you do that then you are taking control and he will see this , if you wait , he will think you dont realise what is going on and cant take control and that could be when he steps in but saying that i dont see it matters who decides you need to get help as long as you get it only good can come of it
fan x
I was talking about being worried that things will be taken out of my control by seeing my doctor, not my therapist. She said she was going to try to see if I could change to a female GP.
The therapist I'm seeing is private and so I am able to feel that I have control over if and when I see her. It is having anything to do with my GP or the NHS mental health system that terrifies me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
aahh right sorry i lose the plot easily lol im actually doing well with my gp but only cos i never see the same one twice so have to explain from scratch each time i have been in a mental health umnit but that was bout 4 years ago worked after a while at the time
fan x
I've just had an email from my therapist cancelling my appointment tomorrow.
I really needed to see her. I can't cope with how I'm feeling. Everything is hopeless.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm not coping today. K hasn't been in contact again. I'm sure I've done something to annoy her. I don't know what to do. I can't handle the way I'm feeling.
Even my therapist isn't replying to my emails now. I don't know when I am seeing her again or what is going on.
I really do not know what to do to get through today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm sure K is ok and that yoy ahve done nothing to annoy her, she is probably busy, and likewise your counsellor.
You will get through today I promise you, it might be hard but you will be ok, you know we are here for you.
Take care
Elaine x
hi karen i noticed you posted at 12.40 and said i dont know how i can get through the day, well your halfway through it then and with out the people you depend on so try pushing yourself along im sure you will be ok keep posting if it makes you feel better and im sure you will find the whole day has gone and you have survived it. hope to speak in chat later
fan x
I'm having a slightly better day today. I heard from K this morning which really helped. I am still not feeling brilliant but made myself get up and dressed. I've also been out to the supermarket, more out of necessity than anything - my cats were nearly out of food.
It is hard to get motivated to do anything but I am doing the best I can at this point in time. I can only take it a day at a time because I don't know how I will feel in a couple of hours time, let alone tomorrow. This is the first time in days that I have been out of bed all day though.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
24-02-05, 17:07
Karen this is absolutely superb progress. In fact it is Fandabbydozy. :D I am so proud of you.
Regards,
Blue
--
Japanese Proverb:
Fall seven times; stand up eight.
Nice one Karen..
Remember you only have to do 1 day at a time - 1 hour really when it gets very tough.
thats brilliant karen you have got through another day and done much more than yesterday hope you can keep this up
fan x
Hi Karen
Glad you are feeling a little better today, glad to see you have been up all day and been out shopping. As Meg says, "one day or even one hour at a time".
Take care
Elaine x
Thanks for all the posts.
I can't really take much credit for today because it was only hearing from K that give me the extra strength which enabled me to do a bit more. I'm still relying on her far too much and making my happiness dependent on contact with her.
I am still taking the day an hour at a time, as Meg suggested, because I know I can go back down again very easily. Plus I am not able to say that I will feel able to do much tomorrow, as again I know it will depend on having contact with K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
look karen (i have my stern face on) accept credit where it is due you do deserve a big pat on the back for today ok you had contact with k but she did not come round, dress you and drag you to the shops YOU did that you are admitting you depend too much on her so why not switch to......."i can only have a good day if........then choose either
s
1.someone replies to my posting
2. i can give advice to at least one person on forum
etc ....you get the idea just change the thing that makes your life bearable it will be hard but you can do it
fan x
Thanks for your suggestion Fan. The problem is that contact with K is the only thing that does help me feel any better and nothing can be a substitute for the way hearing from her makes me feel.
I do post to a lot of people on my other forum and try to help but still doubt the value of my posts even when told that I've helped someone.
I'm feeling really shattered and have a headache so I had a lie down on the bed for a couple of hours. I didn't sleep and didn't actually go back to bed.
At the moment I am dreading tomorrow morning as I have to accompany Dad to see his solicitor (I don't know why). It is the last thing I feel like doing. Seeing Dad can often be quite stressful anyway, plus having to get up and go out even if I don't feel like it, and then attend a meeting with a stranger when I don't even know why. I'm starting to feel anxious about it now. I know I should've just told Dad that I couldn't go or at least have found out why he expects me to be there. It is never that easy with Dad though.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight, even if only for a little while.
Don't underestimate the value of your posts, just from reading the way you reply on here I can see you are so good at giving valuable advice.
Hang on in there hun!
Take care
Elaine x
Thanks for your support Elaine.
I tried to sleep but was unable to and just ended up tossing and turning.
I'm really dreading going to this appointment with Dad. He is picking me up shortly and I am feeling anxious and panicky. I really do not want to have to go to a meeting with a stranger and I am worried why Dad is so insistent that I go with him. All kinds of weird and, probably irrational, thoughts are going through my head. I'll be so relieved when it is over.
Plus I am also now worrying whether I will hear from K and it is going to be a long day if there is no message from her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
As Meg has told you, take it hour by hour. You will get through your appt with Dad I know you will.
Try not to worry about K, I know it's easy for me to say,but I'm sure she'll post.
Take care chuck
Elaine x
I had a very difficult time with my Dad this morning. The appointment was humiliating due to some of the things Dad said and it seemed to be an excuse for him to exert his control over me again. It made me feel bad about myself again and has rocked me today just when I didn't really need it.
I felt really upset when I got home. I was also feeling tired and just wanted to go back to bed. However, last night I made an arrangement to see my friend Jac this afternoon and although I didn't feel up to going out, I thought I should make the effort and didn't want to let her down. So I went and spent a couple of hours with her this afternoon.
I'm still feeling quite low tonight but I think it did do me good a get out for a while.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
great news that although you felt bad you pushed yourself and went out keep it up
fan x
Karen - Well done - you are doing so well, that must have taken a great deal of effort and I'm pleased you saw the benefit in doing it.
Sorry I haven't been around much lately but I have been keeping an eye on how you're doing.
Glad to hear things are picking up for you - hang in there
:-)
bluebottle
26-02-05, 05:05
I'm still feeling quite low tonight but I think it did do me good a get out for a while.
Again, well done Karen. Not only did you go out your also recognising it made you feel better. Keep it up. :)
Regards,
Blue
--
Japanese Proverb:
Fall seven times; stand up eight.
Hi Karen
Trying to catch up on your post. Seems a lot has happened. You did well going with your dad to the solicitors and although you were totally drained you still made the effort to go and see Jac.
You should pick up on that as you didnt feel like it but you didnt want to let Jac down. That shows what a caring and considerate person you are, another positive part of you. Regardless of how you feel you havent let yourself wallow in it, so well done.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks Sal. I'm not doing so well today. My brother came down for a visit today and I met him round at Dad's. We all went out and it's a long story but Dad seemed to take every opportunity to put me down and make me feel small.
I'm feeling quite low again tonight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Glad you manage your time out with your Dad, sorry to hear you are feeling low again tonight. Perhaps you will feel better tomorrow, are you managing to eat a little more than you were, as that would give you more energy.
Hope you manage to sleep tonight
Take care hun!
Elaine x
Hi Karen
sorry to here you are feeling low again tonight. Wish you would text me so i could either text you back or call you when you are feeling like this.
Pleased you have seen your brother but seems your dad is still trying to control you at whatever cost.
But you have got through it before and you will again, i think you do well knowing what he is like.
I know you are not feeling too good but remember how you wouldnt let Jac down, i am sure many off us feeling like you would have put ourselves first rather than a mate, so you did really well there.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks Sal. I know I can always text you. I'm not feeling up to talking but have been in chat trying to distract from how I'm feeling.
Elaine: I'm trying to eat a little more. Today I feel like I've slipped right back again though as my problems with Dad involved food and I'm feeling even worse about eating again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Pleased you have been in chat to try and take your mind of it. If you dont want to talk text me whenever you want okay.
Take care.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks Sal.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
27-02-05, 07:26
I just typed a post to you Karen and it some how didn't work, so I'll just say this; (it was a long post)
You are still doing very well, you said "I'm not feeling up to talking but have been in chat trying to distract from how I'm feeling". This is another positive move on your part and something you should keep a record of so you can look back and recall all of the progress you are making.
I'm proud of you Karen, and you should be proud. Well done, again.
Regards,
Blue
--
Japanese Proverb:
Fall seven times; stand up eight.
Hi Karen
Hope you are feeling better today, it was nice to chat with you in the chatroom last night, you did really well chatting about food with Millie.
Glad you decided to go in for distraction, that's a positive move.
Well done
Take care hun!
Elaine x
Hi Karen
Hope you managed to get some sleep eventually last night.
Hope things are going okay for you today.
Take care.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
I'm feeling really bad today and I'm not coping. I had been trying to contact my therapist after my appointment with her was cancelled last week, to see when I would be seeing her again. I got a reply this morning and is is obvious that she thinks I am hassling her. She just said she will be in touch when she's heard from someone about different doctors in my area. I don't even want to see a doctor. I just need the weekly sessions I was supposed to be having with her.
It is all so hopeless. It seems I am too much for her to cope with and she's passes me on. This always happens. I can't cope with this.
I don't feel like doing anything today. I've been in bed all day. I don't want to eat. I've been trying my best to try to turn things around but now it all seems so pointless. I can't see a way out of these problems.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I'm sure your therapist doesn't think you are hassling her, or that she is trying to pass you on, you are reading too much into this because you are feeling down.
Please try and eat something as I am sure it will make you feel better and give you more strength to cope.
Chin up chuck
Take care
Elaine x
Hi Karen
Counsellors are well aware of how people feel and how much when we feel down and anxious we need their support.
Please dont take it personally she is probably trying to look for extra options to give you the support you need.
Remember hon not everyone will abondon you with how you feel, in the past it has happened but it isnt going to happen again. Dont judge her on your previous heartbreak and give her a chance to help you.
Counsellors are professional that are trained to take whatever on board whether easy or hard. You wont be phasing her at all, she will just be trying to add other options to your recovery plan, so you get all the help you need.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
I'm feeling very anxious and panicking. I have to make a phone call to find out some details for an appointment first thing in the morning, but I can't bring myself to pick up the phone and speak to someone.
It is getting worse because I know the time is running out in which to do it and if I don't I won't know where I am supposed to be going in the morning.
I don't know what to do. I even tried to call Jac to ask if she would ring for me but she's not at home.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
28-02-05, 17:20
Don't think about it at all Karen. Not one little bit, just pick up the phone and ring. Do it now without thinking, this way you will do it.
Regards,
Blue
--
Japanese Proverb:
Fall seven times; stand up eight.
Its ok. I just managed to get hold of Jac and she is ringing for me now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Jac has just called me back. I'm still feeling anxious about tomorrow. My therapist had to give Jac quite a long list of directions because she said it is quite difficult to find, which makes me feel worried that I will get lost.
She also told Jac that it is easier to park in a car park a few minutes from her house and ring her from there and she will come and get me. I worked myself up into such a panic about ringing today and I am worried I will panic tomorrow when I have to phone her.
I was just starting to calm down but now I'm panicking again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
im sure you will be ok karen, try not to worry too much overnight (easier said than done i know) but you can do it just keep telling yourself its for your good . do you mean some one is going with you? if so im sure you will be ok
fan x
No I'm going on my own which is why I'm panicking about getting lost. I'm ok when I have someone with me. Plus I am panicking about making the phone call when I get there.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
sorry i didnt realise you drove,is there no one who could go with you maybe if you asked or get jac to explain to the therapist how nervous you feel and that you might be a bit late getting there as you need to compose yourself
fan x
Hi Karen
Take this is little steps. You know at the end when you get there you will be getting the help you need, a fresh start to your problems.
Make sure you give yourself plenty of time to get there are have a good idea of the directions she gave Jac. Once you get to the car park take a few minutes to compose yourself and give her a call and tell her you have arrived. With each step you make it will be easier. Dont even worry about the call as you will only be letting her know you are there. Then just take it from there. I am sure she will appreciate how anxious you feel and she will make it as easy and comfortable for you as she can.
Thinking of you.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Fan
There isn't anyone who can go with me. Jac has her daughter to look after and can't come with me and there isn't anyone else. I should be able to do this alone without getting so worked up about it.
My therapist knows that I have a problem with verbal communication but I expect she thinks I will be alright ringing her as I have seen her a few times now. However, I have a problem making phone calls, particularly when I don't know the other person that well.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Sal
Thanks for you message. I've got some detailed directions for when I get to the village, but it is getting that far which is worrying me. I've been trying to plan my route but have come up with three different routes on different route planners now. I'm not sure which is the best one to go with and which direction she thought I would be coming from when she gave me the directions for the village itself.
I know I ought to be able to make the phone call easily. She's not a complete stranger but I'm still worrying about it. It is really stupid because if she said she was going to ring me I would feel anxious but still be able to answer the phone. It is worse because I'm the one who has to make the phone call and this is always more difficult for me. I've also slipped back a lot with regard to talking since my depression has become worse.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen,
a simple plan, call your mate jac when you get to the car park and ask her to phone the therapist and say you're there.
if you've no one else, i'll give you my mobile number (if you need, let me know), you can text (no talking) me when you're there and i'll call her for you (tell me her name, number and message) its no big deal for me to do, you take care ... andrew
Karen
Just getting there is the start to recovery hon. If you dont want to call her when you are there text me her number and then text me when you get there and i will call her for you. I will explain how hard this is for you and how i know how it feels. Dont think you are putting on me and say no as i am quite happy to do that hon.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks Andrew and Sal. Why didn't I think of ringing Jac and asking her to call for me? That is a good idea Andrew thanks.
Thank you both for offering to ring for me. I'll see if Jac can do it for me. If not Sal I've got your number so I might text you if that's ok.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi karen
Good luck for tomorow, I'm sure everything will work out just fine. You know you can ring Sal, Jac, or Andrew and you have solved the problem.
Again, all the best, thinking of you.
Take care
Elaine x
Thanks Elaine. I'm still studying route maps and directions trying to decide which is the best way to get there. I know all of this is anticipatory anxiety and the journey will probably not be half as bad as I'm imagining, but driving to places I don't know is one of my fears, in case I get lost.
I will ring Jac in the morning and see if she can make the phone call for me. I do think I am avoiding my problems again and should really do it myself, but I spent the whole of the afternoon today trying to work up the courage to ring to get the directions and still couldn't do it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
hink back to a few months ago when you ahd to travel to Meg's house and YOU DID IT and felt so good, so you will do it again!
Take care
Elaine x
Hi Karen
I hope it is going okay for you this morning. Let us know how you get on.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
I've had a very stressful day. I found my way to the village where I was seeing my therapist without too much of a problem. I've decided route planners are useless and it didn't help much at all. It was lucky I had to map Meg gave me a couple of months ago.
The problem came when I got to the village and I was relying on the directions Jac kindly got for me from my therapist yesterday. These directions didn't lead me to where I was supposed to go and either I came in from a different direction or the directions weren't complete. I found the road I was looking for eventually, after feeling very panicking at being lost and ringing Jac in a bit of a state, not that she could do anything to help but it helped to talk to her. Then I couldn't find the car park that my therapist had said to park in. I don't think the directions were right and when I phoned Jac again (for about the fourth time now) she mentioned the name of the road that my therapist had told her - which Jac didn't tell me originally. From that I eventually found the car park.
The next problem came with getting hold of my therapist. Jac rang her for me but couldn't get a reply and had to go out. So it was left up to me to ring. I tried a couple of times but her phone kept going on to voicemail. By now I was having a panic attack. To make matter worse Dad then phoned and started hassling me to take him somewhere tomorrow morning. I couldn't cope with talking to him at that point and told him I'm out in the morning to try to get him off the phone. He wasn't happy.
Eventually I got through to my therapist and just about managed to say that I was in the car park. It was 5 minutes before my appointment by this time but she said "You're early" which made me feel like I was wrong for ringing her and being there early.
Anyway I eventually got in to see her but I was very stressed and still struggling with the anxiety and panic at this stage. Luckily the journey home wasn't as eventful.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm feeling very low again since being home. I'm worrying about K as she hasn't replied or even read my message. I'm not coping very well with this and it feels like all the help with feeling more relaxed that I had with my therapist this morning has been undone. I feel worse now than before I went.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Well done Karen you got there and got to see the therapist, something you didnt think you could do.
So how did it go with her, did you find she helped you. I know its early days but did she make you feel comfotable.
Try not to worry about K.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
It went ok with her. We talked for a bit - well she mainly talked and I didn't manage to say very much. Then she did some acupuncture, followed by a hypnosis session at the end. It certainly helped me feel relaxed and stopped the anxiety I was feeling, temporarily at least.
I do find therapy so difficult because I am not able to speak freely. I email her in between session which she said she find useful so she can understand what I'm thinking and feeling. But my problems with talking definitely hamper progress I think.
She is really booked up at the moment and so I can't see her again for another two and a half weeks which seems so long with the way I'm feeling at the moment.
I can't help worrying about K and I'm so scared she is hurt or I've done something wrong that I don't feel able to move away from the computer. I have to keep checking whether she has been online.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
great news that you got on ok today karen, even with all the difficulties you encountered you still got there and did it.......well done, now at least you know that the next appointment will be easier as you know the route etc im glad the acupuncture and hypnosis helped even if only fora while now you know you can be anxiety free and have something to work towards,,,,,,,keep it up
fan x
Pleased it went so well. Hon she understands how you are and she is prepared to do the talking. I know it would be better to see her sooner but look to when you next see her and how she offered more than just talking therapy.
I am sure this will really give you the help you need and deserve.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
I'm really struggling today. There is still no sign of K. She hasn't read my last two messages and I've heard nothing from her.
I really don't know what to do. I feel like I am trapped in a living nightmare. I don't want to even get out of bed. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything. It is all pointless. I must have done something absolutely terrible to her for her to ignore me like this. She must hate me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
She will not hate you at all. She could just be busy with other things. You wont have done anything wrong, so just give her time to reply to you.
Please try and eat something as this wont be helping you at all.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
hi, dont take personally that she hasnt replied/read your mail there are loads of reasons why she might not.....pc problems for one, im sure you will hear from her soon try not to worry
fan x
Hi Karen
Are you feeling any better this evening. Hope you have managed to have something to eat.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Fan
I don't think it's PC problems because she's been on another site.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Sal
No I'm not feeling any better. I tore myself away from the computer for a while and watched some TV in bed. I'm not even bothering to get dressed again as there doesn't seem to be any point.
I had already decided to avoid going to Dad's tonight and am glad I did now. I couldn't have handled seeing him tonight and definitely couldn't face eating a meal.
I know I should eat and I have been trying to eat a bit more but the last 2 days have been bad. Have only had a yoghurt and didn't really want to eat that.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi, sorry your not feeling too good tonight, but although you say you dont bother to dress maybe you should as even that will give you some sense of achievement as you will have beaten the lying in bed doing nothing phase, then can do something more tomorrow if you feel up to it
fan x
Hi Karen
Sorry to hear tonight is no better for you. Wish i had the magic answer for you. Pleased you tried to have some yogurt but your body will need more than that.
Dont be so hard on yourself not wanting to get dressed and up and about. At weekends when i am not at work i can spend all day in my pjs.
Just please dont forget to get out and about if you feel up to it. May sound sad but having my mums dog i forgot what it was like to go for a walk, get fresh air and take time out from it all.
If you need any help through the nite text me. Got your text but fell asleep sorry but thanks for seeing how i was.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I just feel like I am giving up again. I haven't done anything all day, just moped about in bed or been on the computer checking for K. Getting dressed seems like such a small task but even that is beyond what I feel able to do today.
I realise I need to eat more than a yoghurt and I will try. It is just that I'm feeling so depressed and anxious that I don't feel like eating anything. Plus not eating helps me feel more in control when everything else is so out of control.
It sounds like you're enjoying having your Mum's dog to stay. I suppose it gives you more of a reason to get out and go for a walk. I don't feel like leaving the house most of the time, unless I absolutely have to. It's been snowing here again all day and is so cold that it makes me want to go out even less.
Thanks for your support.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I know how you feel about the weather as if didnt have Hamish i wouldnt have gone out but doing so made me feel a lot better. I know we get sick of people saying get yourself out and have some fresh air but it does help. I walked him tonight and although not far it was great been out in the dark and seeing the stars, sounds sad but made me feel like all i have fought for maybe i am nearly getting there.
Lounging around the house in your pjs isnt bad at all i do it many a time but you need to eat and however hard it is we need to see you back into a routine where you do to bed and sleep rather than spending hours awake thinking about it all.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I'm glad you enjoyed the walk. I know these suggestions are only being made to help me, but I just feel so despondent about everything at the moment. I've got no motivation to do anything.
I'd like nothing more than to be able to sleep. I'm so tired but find it impossible to stay asleep. The hours I'm awake seem endless and I can't switch off from my thoughts.
I know I need to eat but that is a whole other issue and I'm doing the best I can with it right now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
How are you feeling today?
I know you are trying your best to eat and it is another issue.
Hope you managed to get some sleep.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
hi karen i hope your feeling better today, how is it going with finding a new gp, i know that wont be easy as they dont take on new patients often and i had a struggle to change mine but keep pestering them,
i hope you managed to eat something, how about cup a soup would you not be able to have those say one in exchange for a tea/coffee which ever you drink at some point during the day
fan x
Hi Sal
I'm feeling a little better today, having heard from K this morning. I do, however, feel very guilty and know I must be driving her mad with the way I panic and sink so low every time she doesn't contact me for a day or two. This is why I can't help believing that one day I will go too far and drive her away for good. I just know that when that day comes it will all be over for me and I will just give up. She is my only reason for living and for struggling on to fight to recover from my problems.
I didn't sleep very well again, but then I never do. I had more nightmares (about losing K) and kept waking and being unable to get off to sleep again.
How are you today?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Fan
Thanks for your post. I don't know what it happening about changing GPs at the moment. I know my therapist has made some phone calls, but I am waiting to hear from her about this. She did say she would be in contact today, however I haven't heard from her so I expect she has been too busy.
I have an agreed plan for what I should eat each day but due to feeling so bad these past few days, I haven't been managing to stick to it. I don't want to have some soup instead of tea (although I rarely drink tea either, usually just water) because soup has calories in it. I've had something to eat today though and I am trying to stick to my food plan.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Sorry you didnt sleep too well again last night. I know how reliant you are on K but you cant give up if you dont hear from her for a few days. I know how hard this is for you and wish i knew how i could help you more. What does Jac say about how you feel?
I am sure you wont push K away but when you post her just remember she will get back in touch in time and try to focus that even if it isnt for a few days, she has other things on etc and that it isnt something you have done.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
hi karen, i know you restrict the calories that you eat so that you can be in control of at least something but why not try to focus a little on getting control of your depression and let the eating sort itself out? once you get a clear mind you can then tackle other issues but i really think that the lack of food will be affecting your mental well being........i might be wrong but im sure you cannot function without sufficient fuel (food) so you are not gonna get to the bottom of the depression
fan x
Hi Sal
I do realise K is busy but I can't help getting upset when I don't hear from her. She is so important to me and my only reason to keep going. I know this is wrong but it is how I feel.
Jac tries to understand but doesn't really know what it is like. I don't think anyone can unless they've experienced it.
I'm actually feeling quite low again tonight, worrying about tomorrow I suppose and whether K will be in touch. I know this doesn't help, however I can't help the way I'm feeling.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Fan
It isn't that easy to just give up on controlling food and let the eating problem sort itself out. If I could do this then it wouldn't be a problem. The fact it that I'm not able to give it up or to eat normally. The problem has got too much of a hold over me. It is really difficult to explain.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
i know it isnt easy but the lack of food is adding to your problems, ok you feel better controlling it but that all has a knock on effect which will affect the way you can handle any situation not just the depression
fan x
I know that Fan. I still can't just eat normally. It is too difficult. There are a lot of complicated reasons why this has developed and I can't go into them all here.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I will admit i dont know how you completely feel so at times i am not sure how to give you advice.
I dont want to come across uncaring and hard faced, but if i do it is simply due to ignorance as i have never felt like you do.
From an outside point of view i could say alsorts but that wont help you at all. I wish i could help more. I just worry that you are relying on something that cant give you the answers at the end of the day.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
Don't worry. I know it is difficult to know what to say to me. I also know that the way I feel about K and rely on her isn't good but I can't help the way I feel. I cause myself so much despair over this but still need her so much.
I know you care and I really appreciate your support.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
As long as you know i am here for you and if i say the wrong thing or maybe sound harsh it is down to lack of understanding of your situation and also caring and the frustration that i cant help.
Without K you would cope, you did before and you will again like you did with your tutor. Time is a big element in your life and with support i hope you realise a lot of other people care about you.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks Sal, I know you are there for me.
I wouldn't cope without K. The only reason I was able to get over my tutor was because K came along and I've now become attached to her. While I'm like this it is no good trying to break the attachment to her because I know the only way I could deal with the pain and hurt of losing her would be to find someone else to fill the gap left in my life.
Whilst I do realise that other people care and I appreciate the support, K is the one that I want and need so much.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I appreciate what you are saying.
Hope you have a better day today.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks Sal. I'm not feeling that good today and am still lounging around in my pjs. I can't get motivated to do anything, even though there are a couple of things I need to go out and do. It just seems pointless and I don't feel like moving away from the computer, let alone going out.
I'm gripped by feelings of despondency. I'm tired and I haven't got any energy to do anything.
I got caught by my neighbour a short while ago. She wanted to chat which was the last thing I feel like doing. In fact I panicked and wanted to get away. She said she hasn't seen me about much lately. Then she asked what I do all day and where I go when I leave home really early in the morning. These are the times that I go to see my therapist but I didn't want to start discussing it with someone I hardly know. Particularly when talking about anything is so incredibly difficult. I just wanted her to go.
She also asked me some other really personal questions, things that I don't think are something someone who hardly knows me should be asking. I feel like I'm not even safe in my own home and can't hide away from people.
I think I might have appeared to be rude and I can't stop going over in my mind what she said and how I reacted. I hate to think what her opinion must be of me now. I made a right fool of myself and I feel so stupid.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Dont be so hard on yourself. She caught you off gaurd and how you are feeling at the moment the last thing you need is someone you hardly know asking you in depth personal questions. I am sure she wont be offended. If you get a chance and see her again soon just act yourself and say hello.
Its your home and what you do with your time is down to you.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
hi karen, dont worry what the neighbours think im sure mine have me down as the crazy woman, as during my progress i walked the street in the middle of the night, stand talking to myself and all sorts, next time you see her just say hi and walk away they soon realise that your not a bad person just someone who likes to be alone i think. mine all speak if i see them but none push me into full conversations any more, i dont think she will think you were rude and even if she did when you feel better you can always explain then
fan x
Hi Karen
Hope Fan has put your mind at rest aswell. Come to think of it my neighbours have seen me sat in the garden well late into the night and probably thought there she goes again. But like Fan says dont worry what they think, remember they are your neighbours and as long as you can pass the time of day that is all you need to do.
Hope you are having an okay night.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks Sal and Fan.
I have been worrying about it because she asked me some really personal questions that I didn't want to answer and I felt really awkward about it. I was feeling very anxious at having to talk to her anyway. I know she was just being friendly and acting out of concern, but she is still someone I've only said hello to in passing.
Since seeing her yesterday, I've been replaying the whole thing, thinking about what she said and how I acted etc and thinking how stupid my behaviour was.
I haven't had a good night. I've been awake all night again and am not looking forward to the weekend at all. I'm worried that I might not hear from K today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Sorry you havent slept too well. Try not to worry about K she will be in touch with you when she has time.
As for your neighbour she probably hasnt thought anything else about it so you dont worry.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
hi Karen,
I know that your neighbour was probably just trying to be nice but it does sound like she was being nosey at the same time. It's not your fault that you didn't want to answer her awkward questions. I wouldn't have wanted to either in that position.
It seems to be that not sleeping is your biggest problem. I feel crap and unable to cope if I don't sleep well for one night, let alone all the bad nights that you have had lately. Have you considered seeing a sleep therapist? Maybe if you improve that aspect of your life, the others will soon follow..
Sarah :D
Hi Karen
Got in at last, hope you are feeling better today.
I wouldn't worry too much about your neighbour either, she was probably concerned because she hasn't seen you for a while.
Hope you have a better day today
Take care
chuck
Elaine x
Hi Karen
I hope you are doing okay today.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi everyone and thanks for the messages.
I'm not feeling very good today. I've only just managed to drag myself out of bed and have zero energy to do anything and no motivation either. I just feel so down and upset that I feel like crying but the tears won't come. I don't know how to do this anymore.
I feel so exhausted after not sleeping again. The little sleep I did get last night was disturbed by nightmares. I'm having headaches and feeling dizzy but that's nothing compared with all the hurt and pain I'm feeling inside. It just seems to get worse all the time and I don't know how to cope with it anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen
Have you eaten anything as that will make you dizzy chuck, even if it's only a bit of fruit.
Take it hour by hour aas Meg has said, and for every hour that goes by you can say to yourself "well, I coped for another hour".
Don't know if this helps, but worth a try.
Thinking of you chuck
Take care
Elaine x
Hi Karen
Sorry to hear you are not feeling any better. Lack of sleep and food will be contributing to you feeling dizzy. Please try and eat something small that can give you a bit of energy.
As Elaine says hour by hour how Meg suggested. Keep your chin up it will get easier.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
hi karen, sorry your feeling no better, i really think you have to do something about taking the pc out of the bedroom, that way if you dont get up you cant get on line you have to be cruel to yourself sometimes to be kind . this will motivate you to at least get out of bed and downstairs if nothing else but im sure from there you would do other small things
try eat something if only a biscuit i dont know how your surviving on nothing i get really sick if i dont eat enough i know its hard to be bothered but please try
fan x
Hi Karen
How has today gone?
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks for all your support. I haven't eaten today. I just don't feel like it . I feel better when I don't eat and I know as soon as I eat something I will feel even worse about myself. I will try to have something light but I really don't want to eat.
Fan: I am not able to move the computer from my bedroom. I can see why you are suggesting this but it isn't practical. I have no room to put it anywhere else and I am not physically able to move it by myself anyway.
I'm finding it really hard to cope right now. I just want to block all these feelings out but I can't. If only I could sleep and then I wouldn't have to spend so much time thinking about all this stuff that keeps going round in my head.
I'm worried that K is getting fed up with the messages I'm sending her. She tells me I'm being really irrational and didn't think my last message warranted a response. I don't know what I'll do if she gives up on me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I know what you say about feeling worse when you eat, but that is a thought, physically your body needs some food or you will become ill.
If K says your last post didnt warrant a reply, take note of what she is saying and try to post differently. She is trying to help you and is obviously been honest with you.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
hi karen
im sure "K" wont give up on you but as she is the one person that you rely on and trust then listen to what she says.........
im not sure how many or how often you send the messages to her or what is said in them but if she is saying your being irrational then take that as the truth and in other words you are worrying about something you shouldnt be
give her time off over the weekend and try do something of your own accord then you can tell her something positive next time you message her
fan x
Hi Sal
I do listen to what K says but I can't help what I'm feeling right now. I know she understands this and is trying to help. I really am finding it impossible to think straight at the moment.
I'll try to eat something small but I really feel better when I don't eat. I feel like a failure when I give in and have something. The problem is I don't care about getting ill or what not eating might do to me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Fan
I only send K a message once a day (well most of the time). I have an agreement in place with her to try to limit messages to one a day.
I really can't go longer than this without writing to her as it is difficult to hold out for this long when I want to be in contact with her constantly. I know this is an obsession, and she knows this too and she tells me not to feel bad about myself because of the need I feel to have constant contact with her. I still do feel bad and hate myself for not being able to be more disciplined and "give her a break" as you put it. I worry constantly what my behaviour might be doing to her. The last thing in the world I want is to hurt her. She is far too important to me. I know that without out I would have given up a long time ago.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen, your doing well to limit the messages to one a day, which means you are in control of that although you probably feel like its killing you not to send more, why do you feel you have to have constant contact with her what is it she does that makes you feel everything will be ok if she replies (sorry bout the questions just trying to get some understanding of it)
you admit yourself that this is an obsession so do you have any thoughts on how you could break the obsessive circle your in?
you seem to have an understanding mind as your aware of what your actions could be doing to her, but do you think they could be doing something to you too?
fan x
p.s feel free to ignore any of my posts you dont feel comfortable replying to , its just i really want to help but not sure how i can
fan x
Hi Fan
I feel like K is my whole life and my only reason for living. I've developed these attachments for many years and have been told that it is to do with my childhood and rejection by my Mum who has pushed me away and been emotionally distant since I was young. This is on top of all the problems I've had with Dad and the way he controls and manipulates me. I suppose I didn't have a very emotionally secure childhood and find it difficult to cope with my emotions as an adult. I also feel so alone and am desperate for the love I've missed out on. This is a very short and simple explanation of what is a very complicated issue.
As to why K. I'm not entirely sure. I felt a connection with her from the first time I started reading her posts on the forum. I just felt the need to get close to her. She is really kind and caring. She has been an enormous source of support to me over the last 8 months and had helped me a lot. She is somehow able to see some good in me, even after the terrible way I behave and what my obsession with her makes me do. I don't know how she has so much patience and always encourages me. In spite of everything I do, she has promised to stand by me through this, no matter how long it takes.
She is a really special person. I look to her for the love and attention I've always missed out on, even though I know it is unreasonable of me to expect this from her. I can trust her with anything and know that she won't judge me or think badly of me. She really is my only reason for living.
As to how to break the obsesssion, I really don't know. I'm not able to do it because if I didn't have her I would just give up completely. She is all I have and all my hopes and dreams are pinned on her. Without her I wouldn't have anything.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I know how hard this be for you and i know you cant cope without hearing from K. I really hope your therapist can give you some more constructive help than i feel we are. Fan has done a couple of brilliant posts to you and i hope you think the same.
K to you is your reason to carry on, so show her how you can and will. Give her some positive feedback and you will get more positive feedback from her. Like Fan says can you try for just one day not to post her and go and do something then the next day post her about how you succeeded. Just a thought.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
I'm sorry Sal but I can't go one day without sending her a message. I know how selfish that is of me but I go to pieces at the thought of not hearing from her. Besides I think if I suddenly didn't send my usual daily message she might be concerned that something had happened to me because it would be so out of character.
I realise no one knows what to say about this and I don't know what the answer is. I just know how I feel and how vitally important she is to me. I do wish I could have a normal relationship with her and not put her under so much pressure all the time. I don't deserve the kindness she shows me. She really is a saint to put up with me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen you realise how she cares about you and unlike you think if she didnt hear from you for a day yeah she might think something is wrong but then if she does at least you could post her back saying you have been out and about and done this and that. Might sound harsh but giving her time out for a day wont hurt her or you. You could visit Jac or go for a long walk, text me or email Meg.
I know it will be hard but as much as you rely on K she needs some time to herself and i am sure she would appreciate it and how you say she will get sick of you if you do that she will admire you and definately not get sick.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I know you mean well with your suggestion to not contact K for one day but I really do think she would be concerned if I didn't contact her as usual with the way I've been recently.
Also I know I can't do it and I know that makes me a really terrible person. She does need time to herself and I do feel incredibly guilty that I'm always demanding her time and attention so much. I just find it incredibly difficult to get through even one day without hearing from her.
I don't know how to say this without it sounding bad, but nothing else can compensate for or take the place of my contact with K. I struggle to make myself get up and dressed let alone go out for a walk. It is far too cold anyway. Even when I visit Jac (which isn't very often) all I can think about is K. I think about her all day every day. I can't stop thinking about her.
It has taken me so long to reply to your post because I've been feeling really emotional today and I didn't want to say anything wrong. I feel like I'm always saying that I don't feel able to follow the suggestions given here. I think I'm just in too bad a state to do any of these things right now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
Just because you have an attachment to K definately does not make you a terrible person.
It isn't you as a person that is making you behave in the way you do, it is depression and obsession which is to blame.
Us anxious types always seem to put ourselves down, blame ourselves for every little thing, take the weight of the world on our shoulders. I know I do.
People sign up to forums to get help but also to help others. If K didn't want to help you then she could easily cut the contact. She obviously wants to help you so try not to feel guilty about it.
Love Kate xx
Hi Karen
Hope today is going a little better for you. Kate is exactly right in what she says.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Karen
I hope you have had an okay day. Hope you managed to eat a little to hon (NAG NAG) she thinks!!!
Talk to you soon.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
hi karen please dont think your a bad person because of the way you are, dont feel bad about not following the suggestions we make either thats all they are "suggestions" , just to try motivate you or get you to feel a bit better it doesnt matter if you dont feel up to it we just post because we care...........if we all did what we are told or know we should do then none of us would be on here would we ?
fan x
Hi Kate
Thanks for your message. I know I put myself down and blame myself for everything, especially this situation with K. She tells me she can distinguish between the obsession and me as a person and encourages me to view the obsession as something that is happening to me and therefore not as something to blame myself for or feel bad about. It is really difficult though because I do feel so bad about the way I behave and my constant need for her attention.
You are right that K could cut contact with me at any time and I try to hold on to the fact that not only does she keep up the contact with me but she has also made a promise to see me through this. I am really lucky to have someone who is so caring and understanding.
I do still feel guilty even though when I think about it I know it is true that she is choosing to help me. It is just as I choose to help out on the forum that she is on and support others I suppose. I think it comes down to the fact that I don't actually believe I deserve to have anyone help or care about me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Sal
I'm feeling a little better today thanks. I just feel totally emotionally and physically exhausted and I've had a lot of thinking to do.
Being Mother's Day today has been hard because in spite of knowing that Mum doesn't want to know me, I still sent her a card and then waited around hoping that maybe today might be the day she would get in contact. But of course she didn't and I allowed myself to get upset about it again. Why do I keep putting myself through it?
And yes, I haven't eaten a little bit today. I am trying to get back to eating the diet plan I had agreed to.
I hope you are feeling OK today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Fan
You are right I guess, most of us know what we should be doing but we don't always feel able to do it. I suppose I just feel like I've been well and truly stuck where I am for weeks now and worry that everyone will get fed up with me not getting any better.
I know you all care about me and I am really grateful for everyones support.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen, were not gonna get fed up of you just keep posting and letting us know how you are
fan x
Hi Karen,
Sorry i have't posted to you sooner but i did't feel i could help before now.
You are now entering an area which i am hugely fimilar with. :D:D
Mother's and mother's Day.
You know a bit about my relationship with my mother she is a evil horrid woman and although i have't seen her for 5 years now and even after the way she treated me i still think about her ,especially today.
Being rejected from someone who is supposed to love you can be a very painful thing something which people cannot fully understand unless they have been through it.
Now all i can offer in means of advice on this subject is that i understand why you sent her a card, i have to fight the urge every year and still hold out hope for her to make contact with me(although i'd be terrified if she did)I think it's just a natural instinct to want your mother around,I found that when she never made contact with me on my 21rst that i made the dicision that i would never allow that women in my life again.
That was my cut off point ,we all have our own, but once i made the dicision i felt so much better she now has no power over me or my life, it's been hard but you cannot let someone who has no love for you rule your life.
There will come a day when you dont think about her or miss her in anyway, it takes time but life moves on.
I hope this helps.
Take care
Maxine x
Thanks Fan. I just worry about sounding like a broken record at times.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Maxine
Thanks for your message. I know you've had a terrible time with your Mum in the past and I can understand why you want no contact with her now. It is still difficult to let days like today go without feeling sad and upset, isn't it?
My Mum has been emotionally distant from me all my life and her and my Dad have both abused me emotionally in the past. I found it difficult to come to terms with the fact that what has gone on in the past is emotional abuse but my last therapist helped me to see what had gone on in a true light.
The relationship I have with her has deteriorated over the years to the point it is now where she ignores me and makes it clear that she has no interest in me at all. The last time I saw her she didn't talk to me at all, and yet is the complete opposite with my brothers. That just makes it worse somehow.
I know I have to come to accept the I don't have a relationship with her and I am trying to do this. As you say being rejected by a parent who you think would love their child no matter what is very painful and hurts a lot. I'm sure this contributes to the fears of rejection I have about other relationships now.
I think you are really strong Max to have coped with this the way you have. Thank you for your support.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Guessed today would be hard for you and wasnt sure what to say.
Pleased you have got through it and it is nearly over.
Maxine
Admiration for you, you have been so strong and i admire that.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
That's OK Sal. I've got through the day and although it was hard and I got upset at one point, I get much more upset and distressed about K these days. Maybe it shows how so very important she is to me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Hope you are feeling better today.
Glad to see you are trying to follow the diet plan well done you.
I'm sorry you had a hard day yesterday on Mother's Day, but you got through it.
Here's to a better and brighter day today.
Take care
Elaine x
Thanks for your message Elaine.
I'm not doing very well today. I'm feeling really down again and finding it difficult to do anything. I haven't had hardly any sleep, even less than usual and I've got a headache and am feeling dizzy - my own fault for not eating again.
I haven't heard from K today which is why I am feeling so distressed and am finding it so hard to make myself do anything. I just feel like lying in bed and giving up. I really can't cope with how I feel when I don't hear from her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
sorry its been another hard day for you. Please try and eat something as your body wont cope and will make you feel even worse.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I'm trying to work up to it but to be honest I can't cope with the way eating makes me feel on top of the way I'm feeling about not hearing from K.
I realise I need to eat and I've been trying harder to make sure I eat more but it is so difficult to make myself do this on the days I am feeling reasonably calm and on a more even keel having had contact with K. Once I get so distressed like this I just don't want to have anything.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I'm sorry to hear you are having a bad day, why don't you try and eat a little as it will stop the dizziness and give you a little more strength. I'm sure K will contact you soon.
Take care
Elaine x
Hi Elaine
I've been trying to build up to it all day. Even the thought of it makes me feel worse. I will try to have something light, but I know I'll just feel worse about myself afterwards. It is so difficult to explain how this makes me feel.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Hon
Sorry you are having a bad day. I appreciate how hard it is for you to eat, just worried this will be making your worse.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
I know Sal. I'm not helping myself. I really don't care about myself when I am like this. I don't care if I get worse and I don't care about getting ill. Nothing matters.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
07-03-05, 19:49
Karen
If you don't care about yourself for you then can you care about yourself for K instead? I am sure she wouldn't want to see you so ill and weak.
Just a thought.
Nicola
Maybe Nic. I do care what K thinks. I know she is concerned about me and I feel so guilty when I think what I'm doing to her. I wouldn't hurt her for the world. She's my life.
I'm just not sure I can do this, even for her. I guess that makes me a really terrible person.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
07-03-05, 20:06
It does not make you terrible atall.
I just mentioned it cos we all do stuff to please someone else if not ourself and it is nice to make an effort for someone we care about.
Perhaps it is something to think about - getting better for K if not for you.
Nicola
Hi Karen
I know you dont care about yourself and whether you get worse or not by not eating. But looking at it rationally if you care for K like Nic says you are making her suffer by you been like this. As no doubt she will be as worried as we are. To function we need food however little to give us energy to live. You want to carry on and get help from K so try to eat a little bit to give you some strength and make your physical and mental illness a chance.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Nic
In fact I do try to do things for K when I can't do them for myself and wouldn't even have the motivation to try. She is the reason I keep going when I just feel like giving up.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sal
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">But looking at it rationally if you care for K like Nic says you are making her suffer by you been like this. As no doubt she will be as worried as we are.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I do care for K. She is everything to me and without her I would have given up completely a long time ago.
The last thing in the world I want to do is to "make her suffer" by me being like this. I already feel guilty and bad enough about what I am doing to her. I hate myself for hurting her because she's my entire life. If I lost her I would have nothing to go on for.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Has K said anything about you not eating or given any advice regarding it?
Hope you are doing okay today.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
K has told me she is concerned about the problems I am having with regard to eating. However, she also said she understands why I have developed this problem and is encouraging me to eat a little more as I feel able. She has pointed out the consequences of not eating but also says that pressuring me to eat isn't helpful.
I'm not doing well at all today. I had virtually no sleep and am feeling really down. Have not heard from K although she has been on the forum and I have a really bad feeling that I'm not going to hear from her today.
Today is going to be such a long day and I really don't know how I am going to get through it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
You have got through it so far hon. I know pressuring you to eat isnt helpful and i dont think anyone on hear has intended it to come over like that, i think they have just been reassuring you that it will be ok to eat and worried about you.
I am sure K will be in touch.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I wasn't saying people are pressuring me and I know it is only that people care. It is just that I struggle with the way eating makes me feel at the best of times and when I get distressed it is even more difficult.
I'm finding it really difficult to cope today. I feel so bad I don't know what to do.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Sorry today has been no better from you. I dont suppose it has helped not hearing from K. You know where i am if you need me.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
hi karen hope your ok try not to worry im sure k will be in contact probably just busy
fan x
Thanks Sal and Fan.
I'm just doing what I can to get through a very difficult day. I appreciate your support.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
thats ok karen thats why were here i know we seem to nag sometimes but we just like you to know we will help if we can
fan x
Thanks Fan I know that everyone is trying to help. I just feel bad for not feeling able to act on any of the suggestions at the moment.
Today has been a really bad day. I hope I hear from K tomorrow and will feel a bit better.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Sorry it has been another hard day for you. You know how K says you can only contact her with one message a day, have you told her how you feel when she doesnt respond.
Just a thought as wasnt sure what you and he had agreed to.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
Yes K does does know how I feel when she doesn't respond. However, it isn't really her problem and I know that. She has her own life to lead and I have no right to demand her attention all the time. If I am having a hard time coping then that is down to me. I won't put that on her. It isn't fair.
It is just really hard for me when I don't hear from her. Sorry I don't think I'm making a lot of sense here. Straight thinking isn't possible when I'm feeling so emotional.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
You are making sense, i just wondered if she put one contact per day she would respond with replying once a day. I know she has her life and i know you understand that. I was just trying to draw up a bigger picture of it all.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
When this one message a day contact began she said she could promise to reply to my messages but couldn't promise to reply every day.
So I therefore know there will be days when I don't hear from her but I'm just be stupid and silly for getting upset about it again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
08-03-05, 22:54
Karen
You are only allowed to send one post a day and she can reply when she feels like it yeah?
So you know that she will reply EVERY day at some time but that may vary cos of other things she does. That is ok that is what you expect so try to see it that way. She WILL reply when she can and you worrying all day won't make her reply any sooner. You are only upsetting yourself over it.
Let K reply when she can and when she is ready to. What sort of things does she say in her replies - do they help or are they setting you up for the next day's bout of posting and waiting.
I truly hope she is helping but you cannot wait all day for a reply - it will come when she is free and ready to reply.
You always post all day saying you haven't heard so why not give her time to reply before panicking. Try it and it may help.
Try to get some sleep ok?
Nicola
Hi Nic
Yes basically I write to her once a day (well it is supposed to only be once but I slip sometimes) and she replies when she can. Sometimes I hear from her every day for several days in a row and other times it can be every other day, or she might miss a couple of days. I never know.
I realise that waiting all day for her to reply just means that I get more upset as the day passes with no response, but I can't let go of the hope that there might be a message from her. It was worse today because she posted on the forum and so I start worrying what I have done wrong that means she doesn't want to reply.
I wish I could get some sleep. I had hardly any last night. I woke after only sleeping for half an hour due to a nightmare and spent the rest of the time tossing and turning. It makes the days so long when I spend most of the day and all night awake.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
That is okay then i wasnt sure if she said she would post you once a day in reply to yours.
So you dont expect to hear from her every day although i know you wish you could. Then lets start to think when she hasnt posted that it isnt anything that you have done like you always do.
She has made it clear that she cant reply always and has been honest with you. So how can we try to stop you waiting for her replies and when you dont hear from her taking it all the wrong way.
You know when she has time she will get in touch with you and is trying to help you.
Dont want to sound like i am intervering her but have you ever let anyone know what posts you are sending k so they could help you when you are posting her.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I know I get myself all worked up thinking that I've done something wrong and then when she does get in touch she reassures me that I haven't, but I always that that fear that I will do something so terrible that I will drive her away. I'm just so scared of that happening.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Dont want to sound like i am intervering her but have you ever let anyone know what posts you are sending k so they could help you when you are posting her.
<div align="right">Originally posted by sal - 08 March 2005 : 23:06:55</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I'm not sure what you mean by this. Let anyone know what messages I am sending her in what way?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I meant like Meg or even me if you trust me, so we can understand more about how you are feeling and maybe help you more.
I dont want to intefere in what is peronal to you but just want to help you.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I see what you mean. I do email Meg but I don't show anyone exactly what I write to K because I'm answering things she has said in her last message to me or talking about other things I would only really say in private.
This problem will carry on until I find a way of not actually needing her so much but I can't see that happening with the way things are at present.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Sorry if you think i am interfering it wasnt meant to sound like that at all. Just thought if we could help with your posts to K so we can help you more.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I don't think you are interfering. I just can't discuss everything that I talk to K about on here and some of it is very personal, that's all.
I know you are trying to help.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
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