Have you ever felt 'numb' and no longer care whether you die or not?

[Anxietysufferer92]

Speaking as someone who has had severe health anxiety for 16 plus years. It has really manifested itself this year after so many health scare and symptoms relating to the C word. At first, I was petrified and of course I was pacing like a caged tiger, thinking I am going to die a horrible death and wonder where I will go afterwards. The last few days, I've felt so numb towards everything that the thought of having cancer, at the moment, is not worrying me. I am the person who Googles every symptoms under the sun, and I would throw my phone down when I see my symptoms match the C word. I am the person who cannot stomach drink or food when I'm having a really, really bad health anxiety attack because all I can think of is death and where am I going to go after. This whole thing is really starting to play me up and causing so many issues. I'm sure that I will start worrying again but right now, why do i need to live? No family except my husband and child, no friends at all. Nobody ever asks me how I am, not even my family. I am done with caring about everyone else whilst battling my own mental health issues when they don't care about me.

[Redsmum]

Hi Anxietysufferer, i can really relate to you on this one. I too am a health anxiety sufferer & quite honestly it has just worn me down over the years, i get to the stage whereby my head feels like its going to explode with the continual merry go round of what if its this what if its that, i get to the stage where i just get on my own nerves & then i start to think i don’t care what happens & then i start to feel numb to it all. I am also the person that can’t stomach food when i’m at my worst makes me want to heave which i do plenty of when i wake up in the morning, god i hate it all. It is so hard to try & get across to anyone else how your whole life gets taken over because of the way our minds work, my husband just doesn’t get it at all so i’ve stopped trying to explain & just try to cope on my own best as i can.
Always here if you need to get it of your chest. Take care.

[BrokenGirl]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I've been there many times myself - it's just a complete hopeless feeling and there never seems to be any light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm not doing great at the moment myself with HA but I'm trying to get a grip on it. It's exhausting, there's no doubt about that. And nobody understands unless they've been through it themselves.
They say there's always a way out of it and it's never too late to recover. I've had HA for 10+ years now and I really want to believe that there is hope.
Have you tried any medication / therapy, because I'm starting to believe that the only way to truly recover is through meds, therapy and a lot of hard work?

[Anxietysufferer92]

Hi Anxietysufferer, i can really relate to you on this one. I too am a health anxiety sufferer & quite honestly it has just worn me down over the years, i get to the stage whereby my head feels like its going to explode with the continual merry go round of what if its this what if its that, i get to the stage where i just get on my own nerves & then i start to think i don’t care what happens & then i start to feel numb to it all. I am also the person that can’t stomach food when i’m at my worst makes me want to heave which i do plenty of when i wake up in the morning, god i hate it all. It is so hard to try & get across to anyone else how your whole life gets taken over because of the way our minds work, my husband just doesn’t get it at all so i’ve stopped trying to explain & just try to cope on my own best as i can.
Always here if you need to get it of your chest. Take care.
Hi Redsmum. Sorry to hear of your struggles as well :( how long have you had HA for? It's so debilitating I can't believe I've had it for this long and still unable to recover from it. I've tried so hard to. I've had counselling but nothing helps. It's like I've got an awful addiction to Dr Google and it certainly is not making me any better! My husband is also the same. He doesn't like it when I am morbid so he just refuses to listen to me because of it. Likewise. Thank you so much for your support and I do hope you get some sort of recovery from this awful feeling xx

[Anxietysufferer92]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I've been there many times myself - it's just a complete hopeless feeling and there never seems to be any light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm not doing great at the moment myself with HA but I'm trying to get a grip on it. It's exhausting, there's no doubt about that. And nobody understands unless they've been through it themselves.
They say there's always a way out of it and it's never too late to recover. I've had HA for 10+ years now and I really want to believe that there is hope.
Have you tried any medication / therapy, because I'm starting to believe that the only way to truly recover is through meds, therapy and a lot of hard work?
Hi. That is what I've been trying to do, get a grip on this but really struggling and constantly going backwards. I've tried therapy and no help, medication...not yet. I'm quite reluctant because of side effects. My HA stops me taking any tablets because of their side effects. It's literally on a severe scale. X

[Redsmum]

Hi Redsmum. Sorry to hear of your struggles as well :( how long have you had HA for? It's so debilitating I can't believe I've had it for this long and still unable to recover from it. I've tried so hard to. I've had counselling but nothing helps. It's like I've got an awful addiction to Dr Google and it certainly is not making me any better! My husband is also the same. He doesn't like it when I am morbid so he just refuses to listen to me because of it. Likewise. Thank you so much for your support and I do hope you get some sort of recovery from this awful feeling xx

Hi Anxietysufferer, i’ve had HA since i was a teenager i’m now 61. About 15 years ago i came close to a breakdown convincing myself i had cancer of the esophogus, nothing or nobody could convince me i didn’t it was horrendous, i really thought i wouldn’t get through it, any way with the help of medication, counselling & hypnotherapy i managed to pull myself out of the black hole. I do still use some of the things i was taught at counselling such as not catastrophising, but it isn’t the answer really because i wouldn’t still be feeling like i do if it was. So now i’m on 30mg citalopram which does actually take the sharp edges of it all, but again its a personal choice whether you want to go down that route.
One thing i never do is Dr.Google, he never brings good news does he. Sorry i can’t be of more help to you.

[NoraB]

but right now, why do i need to live? No family except my husband and child

Your husband and child ARE your family.


no friends at all. Nobody ever asks me how I am, not even my family. I am done with caring about everyone else whilst battling my own mental health issues when they don't care about me.

How much love and care do you show yourself?

In answer to the thread title - yes - and I was clinically depressed.

When someone has mental health issues it can seem that people don't care when it's usually the case that they simply don't understand what we're going through. They don't know what to say and can't empathise if they haven't experienced what we're experiencing. I've been on both sides of this, as carer to someone who had a mental breakdown and as somebody who has had a mental breakdown.

Don't wait for (or expect) other people to make you feel better. Only you can do this. X

[Anxietysufferer92]

Your husband and child ARE your family.



How much love and care do you show yourself?

In answer to the thread title - yes - and I was clinically depressed.

When someone has mental health issues it can seem that people don't care when it's usually the case that they simply don't understand what we're going through. They don't know what to say and can't empathise if they haven't experienced what we're experiencing. I've been on both sides of this, as carer to someone who had a mental breakdown and as somebody who has had a mental breakdown.

Don't wait for (or expect) other people to make you feel better. Only you can do this. X

I knew it was going to be short lived because now I am back to being terrified. I was on YouTube to watch my usual comical videos, but for some reason a channel was recommended and it said in the title how they was diagnosed with cervical cancer with a normal smear... Then under it, same person in that video it said (name, has passed away)... I mean, why the hell did they/YouTube do that to me? All thanks to that bloody video, I'm back to being frightened about dying young of this awful disease and thinking that my son is going to be without his mum. I'm sorry I keep rambling on about the same thing over and over. I am seriously out of my depth this year. I just want to sleep and never wake up again, because at least then I will not have a chance to be afraid of dying.. From cancer any way! I can't cope :'(

[NoraB]

I knew it was going to be short lived because now I am back to being terrified. I was on YouTube to watch my usual comical videos, but for some reason a channel was recommended and it said in the title how they was diagnosed with cervical cancer with a normal smear...

Then under it, same person in that video it said (name, has passed away)... I mean, why the hell did they/YouTube do that to me?

Recommendations are made on what we search for, so I'd say this isn't the first time you've watched videos like this..


All thanks to that bloody video, I'm back to being frightened about dying young of this awful disease and thinking that my son is going to be without his mum.

Except that it's not down to a video. It's down to a choice you made to watch a video. You must take responsibility for your own actions if you want to get better.


I'm sorry I keep rambling on about the same thing over and over. I am seriously out of my depth this year. I just want to sleep and never wake up again, because at least then I will not have a chance to be afraid of dying.. From cancer any way! I can't cope :'(

We're all struggling lovely. It's been a terrible year, but we will come out out of it..

When it comes to your cancer fear, and that of leaving your child - I totally understand because that was my fear, and nothing has scared me more in my life. But, to get control back, you must accept that illness and disease are a part of life and dying is a cert. You don't have cancer at the moment, but what is absolutely certain is that your fears are robbing you of quality time with your son. You can't be terrified and happy at the same time. Also, there is the psychological damage to your son and this was the main reason behind me giving myself a kick up the arse to get myself better because I don't want my son to remember me as the person I was three years ago. I can't get back all those moments where I was physically here but emotionally and mentally elsewhere, but I can use this as the reminder never to allow myself to go back down that hole...

If you can't change something, you have to change the way you think about it. X

[Anxietysufferer92]

Hi Nora.
Thank you for your kind response once again. Yes I did previously search it when I had post coital bleeding but I no longer do it now. It hasn't come up since thank goodness because I logged out of my YT account as it was bringing up too much histories.
I've been in such a mess these past couple of days. I've felt so stressed, anxious and depressed. I'm constantly checking down below, inspecting my discharge (I know, crazy), and I still won't have sex with my husband because I'm scared it's going to happen again.
Hes been telling me I need to go back to the gp but she's only going to end up saying the same thing!
One thing I do find comfort in is that my lower back pain which convinced me it is CC, has gone, but that doesn't mean ANYTHING though.
I'm quite shaken up and very unsettled tonight. X

[NoraB]

I'm quite shaken up and very unsettled tonight. X

Sorry, only just read your comment. How are you feeling now? X