View Full Version : Going over past worries AGAIN
Hi all i seem to be getting myself all tied up in this certain worry. My worry is i cheated on my wife i think it was 6 yrs ago. With someone who was also married more like fumbling rather than full blown sex. Both of us both drunk from partying all day. Thing is i remember txt her to say are we ok.she says ye were fine just needs forgetting about. I suffered. Guilt which rightfully so. I also keep checking if she’s happy especially on social media. She’s liked a few of my posts etc over the years. But my ruminating and checking especially on social media if why she’s not liking my recent posts almost like i am posting stuff on purpose for her to like.then i would no if we’re still ok.that’s my anxiety ruminating constantly.there is times i don’t let it bother me but in this moment it feels like something is going to happen or she hates me. My old worry concerning this originally was that because i was doing all the fumbling and caressing (slight intercourse) that i actually in my words raped her. This is do horrible to think that i did. I no when no is no. I no it’s the guilt that i,m experiencing. Me constantly checking phone for likes is doing my head in. I no i,m doing it. Sorry for long post. I no confessing won’t help as it would cause mayhem on both sides. As she’s obviously forgetting about it. I should just leave it in the past and stop checking.
This was triggered after i posted a pic of me when younger on social media she tagged someone else in it to see the pic i noticed something funny regarding the pic i said to her reply look at my hand. Weird i no. She didn’t reply so my ruminating began and mind reading
I would say it’s the triggers that set me off. Seeking reassurance maybe i should just let this pass.
Hi all i seem to be getting myself all tied up in this certain worry. My worry is i cheated on my wife i think it was 6 yrs ago. With someone who was also married more like fumbling rather than full blown sex. Both of us both drunk from partying all day. Thing is i remember txt her to say are we ok.she says ye were fine just needs forgetting about. I suffered. Guilt which rightfully so. I also keep checking if she’s happy especially on social media.She’s liked a few of my posts etc over the years. But my ruminating and checking especially on social media if why she’s not liking my recent posts almost like i am posting stuff on purpose for her to like.then i would no if we’re still ok.that’s my anxiety ruminating constantly.there is times i don’t let it bother me but in this moment it feels like something is going to happen or she hates me. My old worry concerning this originally was that because i was doing all the fumbling and caressing (slight intercourse) that i actually in my words raped her. This is do horrible to think that i did. I no when no is no. I no it’s the guilt that i,m experiencing. Me constantly checking phone for likes is doing my head in. I no i,m doing it. Sorry for long post. I no confessing won’t help as it would cause mayhem on both sides. As she’s obviously forgetting about it. I should just leave it in the past and stop checking.
Sorry if I've got this wrong cocker (I know I've responded to you before on this) but are you saying that you are still in contact with the person you cheated on your wife with?
You still want to have some kind of relationship with this woman - even if it's just online?
Only, you seem a lot more bothered about this other woman's feelings, and of your own feelings, than you do your wife's? :huh:
You're still cheating mate - albeit emotionally.
While you're not up for confessing to your wife, how long do you think you can go on exhibiting dodgy behaviour (like constant phone checking) before she becomes suspicious?
I'm really confused as to how much this is your OCD and how much it is that you still fancy this person? In which case, what about your wife? This is her life too Homer.
If you value your marriage, you really need to delete this other woman from your social media and work on whatever is wrong in your marriage, and also your OCD - obvs.
Hi Nora. No i don’t fancy her it’s just my ocd kicking off again making me constantly reassuring myself to see if everything is ok. Hopefully it won’t come out.
This is my problem i always keep digging a massive hole for myself.
You have replied before Nora. This is my problem i can forget and get on with life then a trigger can set me off. I need to calm down on the social media side of and stop mind reading.
I guess i,m ruminating again.and checking for reassurance again. Doing exactly like when i was a kid when i had certain worries.
Hi Nora. No i don’t fancy her it’s just my ocd kicking off again making me constantly reassuring myself to see if everything is ok. Hopefully it won’t come out.
Has it ever occurred to you that 'drunken fumble' might not have been her finest moment either? She said she wanted to forget it didn't she? How can she do that when you keep cropping up on her social media? :shrug:
Best thing you can do is to leave this (and her) in the past.
Have I asked you before if you've spoken to somebody who specialises in OCD about this?
Totally correct there Nora that’s what i need is a firm telling. Yes had numerous therapy over the years. This particular worry is like when i was a kid i needed to confess. Didn’t need to but the anxiety and urges beat me as a kid. I no i did wrong it was years ago i DO need to let this go and your so correct regarding the social media. Thanks Nora i appreciate your honesty. Happy Xmas
I'm a bit confused by this post, but agree with everything Nora said.
First off, you cheated on your wife but your concerns all seem to be with this woman you cheated with. If you want to worry this much, then think of your poor wife. Maybe if you worried about her feelings you wouldn't have cheated in the first place.
Secondly, she cheated too and I'm assuming is still carrying on with life with her partner. You mutually agreed to forget about this. In my opinion the best thing you both could do if you really want to put this behind you is unfollow each other on social media and stop 'checking up'. Focus on your respective spouses.
Whether or not you have feelings for this woman you need to cut her off completely if you want to move forward with your wife. She didn't deserve this I'm sure, and would likely be more upset that you continually interact and think and worry about this woman. Let it go.
I agree with you both it’s my ruminating that is obviously digging a big hole for me. That’s the thing i obviously feel guilty.i will move in and forget about this. My OCD is not to blame for cheating just stupidity. My ocd is the thing that is making me feel like this now. I will take note on what you both said.
So.. have you deleted her phone number from your contacts and culled her on social media or do you want to keep your options open? Is this OCD or cheating really? Is it worth the risk of your wife rumbling you which could be catastrophic?
I don’t have her phone number i don’t intend to be with her. Her me. My worry is my ruminating of what ifs. I do regret what happened obviously.
You can't change what's happened but you can delete her from your social media...if you want to make a clean break that is? I'm wondering why you haven't done this years ago?
Just curious... does your wife know?
Positive thoughts
Thing is i we no each other she’s happy and I am in mine it was just a drunken blip that shouldn’t of happen. I just can’t help the way that i worry i can not worry. Then i get a certain trigger. My doing. If i was a bloke who didn’t give a total #### i wouldn’t be worrying or scared etc or would not be on here. Sorry if i offended
No
Sadly, I have the feeling, with the mental issues you're dealing with, this will continue to haunt you. I know if it were me in that position, even without anxiety, I would have difficulty living with myself.
I hope you find a way to make peace with yourself.
Positive thoughts
Thing is i we no each other she’s happy and I am in mine it was just a drunken blip that shouldn’t of happen. I just can’t help the way that i worry i can not worry. Then i get a certain trigger. My doing. If i was a bloke who didn’t give a total #### i wouldn’t be worrying or scared etc or would not be on here. Sorry if i offended
Homer, it's a brave thing you're doing - opening up about a very personal, and sensitive issue on here, but, to me, this is like sticking a plaster over a wound that needs stitches, you know?
Lots of women can forgive a drunken mistake. It's the being in contact with this woman SIX YEARS LATER that would blow my mind - you get me?
If your wife was to find out now - because of this social media thing - how would you explain a 'mistake' that happened 6 years ago (and which seemingly meant nothing to you) but you've kept in touch with the woman all this time? This is why I think you need to disconnect yourself from this other woman, and I have a feeling that she'll be relived once you do. I'd be inclined to make a general post about needing to step away from social media (not unusual these days) and then delete the accounts she's on and in doing that you are deleting her but in a way that won't make her worry if you delete her only. Give it a reasonable amount of time, then re-join whatever social media platform it is you're on. Don't go searching for the woman in the future, obvs.
Excellent advice from Nora and I think that the only person you are offending is your wife for continuing to be in touch with this lady after all this time.
I hope you find some peace, Homer. We all make mistakes but we can move on from them by doing the right thing.
I still agree with Nora on this one.
Believe me, I would be so upset if my partner had a drunken fumble. But I'd be a lot angrier and less willing to forgive if he continued talking to this woman behind my back for a whole six years and obsessed over how she felt all the time.
Honestly you'll feel so much better by just getting her out of your life completely. It'll be best for her too, I don't even think she'll be offended as she said she wanted to forget it as well and I think she would understand that you have a wife and you shouldn't have her on social media. Seeing her on your social media will only continuously bring back guilt and anxiety.
Believe me i feel crap worrying about this. It was obviously a selfish drunken mistake which i obviously regret. Feels like i,m getting total grief here. Maybe i deserve it but i feel like #### even if it was 6 yrs ago. I,m just scared if it comes out.
I don't think anyone is really giving you any grief here. As Nora mentioned, you've bravely admitted to your mistakes.
We're all talking about you moving forward and what is good for every party in this scenario. OK, yes, I and others have noted that you seem more focused on this other woman than your wife, but I'm afraid that is simply how you came across.
You say you're scared of this coming out. I should imagine it is much less likely to come out if you eradicate her out of your life. Not having any of her social media and vice versa, it limits what she can do drastically.
And OK, worst case scenario, it gets out somehow. Your wife will be so much more forgiving of a drunken fumble that didn't turn into anything and which you later ignored, felt guilt over and tried to moved on from opposed to finding out about this mistake and on top of that you've been checking in on this woman all the time and following her social media, plus continuously worrying about how she felt about it.
We're trying to advise you on this matter. It depends on whether or not you're actually willing to do anything about it.
I,ll try and explain it better. We both did was wrong and it was yrs ago. And we agreed to keep it that way by forgetting about it. This worry was originally triggered because of me thinking i abused her. Because of all the Harvey Weinstein couple of yrs back. This set me off big time. I didnÂ’t think like this at the time just pure guilt for cheating. The social media thing is we were already friends etc. No attraction from both just friends just that night things happened which i regret. I donÂ’t fancy her at all i didnÂ’t delete as maybe i was scared incase she would say anything. By checking i guess if she looked happy in which she does. I need to stop this checking massively i don want to delete incase it does set something off. But interacting will stop. This my problem i got paranoid and started mind reading in which i shouldnÂ’t off. I appreciate your comments sorry if i offended.
I need to stop this checking massively i don want to delete incase it does set something off. But interacting will stop.
No, it won't stop. You have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - which means that you will not be able to stop yourself from interacting as long as the woman is visibly there.
You've been given several opinions by women on here - all saying the same thing. Not deleting this woman won't prevent your Mrs finding out, but you will have to explain why you are still in contact with this woman, and I can't see that going down very well H.
Bottom line: you are putting yourself first. You being 'friends' with this woman ended when you crossed the line. Or it should have done. The very worst that will happen if you delete this woman is that your wife will find out, and then you'd have to face the music, but that's not likely is it? Because the women in question did the dirty on her husband. The way I see it, she has as much to lose as you do.
I can't advise you anymore on this. I've tried to help you as best I can. Your call.
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