DellaStreet
21-12-20, 17:05
Hello everyone... I've suffered from anxiety and panic pretty much all my life. I didn't have a name for it until I got seriously into therapy in 1983, when I was around 35. My then-therapist pointed out that a major traumatic hospitalization I had at the age of two was a Really Big Deal. That seems to be the event that set me up for the belief that the world is not a safe place and I am not safe.
I'm 72, a widow (of 20 years-- we married when I was 40), childless, and also an only child. Both parents deceased and I have no other family. I've been in two relationships since my husband's death. One I broke up because he was an alcoholic. The other man died two years ago. As with my husband, I held his hand as he drew his last breath. We were close friends and intellectual/emotional soulmates, but not romantic.
The thing that is eating me up lately is sheltering 100% alone, 24/7. I'm an introvert, so I need a certain amount of alone time, but this amount of isolation is killing me. I focus on my thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and I'm consumed with anxiety. I talk to people on the phone, sure, I Zoom-- all of that. It's not enough. I'm not only physically isolated, but when my friends talk to me about how they miss their kids and hugging their grandkids, and Facetiming with them... I'm just filled with helpless envy and frankly, rage. (Yes, I know families are not all idyllic and they have their problems. I get that.)
I've been in lots of therapy over the last 40 years, have a degree in counseling myself, and have a therapist now (we met in person at first, now we're on the phone). What I'm experiencing is a deep, deep loneliness that was present before the pandemic (mitigated by choir singing, lunch with friends, book club, etc.) but now that I really am alone all the time with no distractions, I'm staring into the abyss-- it feels like all the time. It probably isn't all the time, but it's a lot. This past weekend it was all the time. When the panic is too much, I take .25 mg of xanax. I've been on several different antidepressants over the years, and I really don't want to go back to any of them. For one thing, coming off of an a-d is utterly miserable. I only take xanax a couple of times per week-- I don't want to become dependent and I don't want the *magic* to wear off (i.e., become adapted to it). I do take CBD oil a couple of times a day, this amounts to a daily total of about 50 mg cannabidiol. Does it help? Not sure. Maybe. I've never taken any recreational drugs. I hate the foggy, woozy feeling of being "drugged."
I do meditate every day, both with a Zoom class (no conversation) and make frequent use of Headspace, Calm, YouTube videos, etc. Thankfully, I'm retired and okay financially. I would not want to trade places with friends who are struggling with work, decisions about the children's schooling, aged parents, and aging, fragile husbands. That's the upside of having no ties.
I want to be okay with being alone. I want to be okay with ME being alone. I'm not. It feels like a judgment against me, like rejection, abandonment, failure, and loss all rolled up into one. And that feeling sets me up for anxiety, especially health anxiety, where I'm afraid I'm having a heart attack or a stroke and no one will find me or care for me. I've taken care of lots of people. My husband was ill during all of our 10-year marriage (he had a kidney transplant, leg amputation, many other surgeries), my alcoholic boyfriend after him had quad bypass surgery, the most recent man who died had many health issues (one of the reasons he didn't want a romantic relationship and in retrospect, I'm glad as losing him would have been much harder than it was). Before my husband, another boyfriend went on to have a heart transplant, the one after him died of cancer. Health issues scare me...well, to death. There will be no one to care for me or even care if I die, when I get sick. Before COVID we didn't think about people dying alone...
I can't see a way out of this hole. I don't want to be afraid all the time. I want to feel better, even okay, if possible. When the pandemic eases (not sure it will ever be over), I'll still be all alone... and scared.
Thanks for reading this far...
P.S. If you know who "Della Street" is, major points for you! :)
I'm 72, a widow (of 20 years-- we married when I was 40), childless, and also an only child. Both parents deceased and I have no other family. I've been in two relationships since my husband's death. One I broke up because he was an alcoholic. The other man died two years ago. As with my husband, I held his hand as he drew his last breath. We were close friends and intellectual/emotional soulmates, but not romantic.
The thing that is eating me up lately is sheltering 100% alone, 24/7. I'm an introvert, so I need a certain amount of alone time, but this amount of isolation is killing me. I focus on my thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and I'm consumed with anxiety. I talk to people on the phone, sure, I Zoom-- all of that. It's not enough. I'm not only physically isolated, but when my friends talk to me about how they miss their kids and hugging their grandkids, and Facetiming with them... I'm just filled with helpless envy and frankly, rage. (Yes, I know families are not all idyllic and they have their problems. I get that.)
I've been in lots of therapy over the last 40 years, have a degree in counseling myself, and have a therapist now (we met in person at first, now we're on the phone). What I'm experiencing is a deep, deep loneliness that was present before the pandemic (mitigated by choir singing, lunch with friends, book club, etc.) but now that I really am alone all the time with no distractions, I'm staring into the abyss-- it feels like all the time. It probably isn't all the time, but it's a lot. This past weekend it was all the time. When the panic is too much, I take .25 mg of xanax. I've been on several different antidepressants over the years, and I really don't want to go back to any of them. For one thing, coming off of an a-d is utterly miserable. I only take xanax a couple of times per week-- I don't want to become dependent and I don't want the *magic* to wear off (i.e., become adapted to it). I do take CBD oil a couple of times a day, this amounts to a daily total of about 50 mg cannabidiol. Does it help? Not sure. Maybe. I've never taken any recreational drugs. I hate the foggy, woozy feeling of being "drugged."
I do meditate every day, both with a Zoom class (no conversation) and make frequent use of Headspace, Calm, YouTube videos, etc. Thankfully, I'm retired and okay financially. I would not want to trade places with friends who are struggling with work, decisions about the children's schooling, aged parents, and aging, fragile husbands. That's the upside of having no ties.
I want to be okay with being alone. I want to be okay with ME being alone. I'm not. It feels like a judgment against me, like rejection, abandonment, failure, and loss all rolled up into one. And that feeling sets me up for anxiety, especially health anxiety, where I'm afraid I'm having a heart attack or a stroke and no one will find me or care for me. I've taken care of lots of people. My husband was ill during all of our 10-year marriage (he had a kidney transplant, leg amputation, many other surgeries), my alcoholic boyfriend after him had quad bypass surgery, the most recent man who died had many health issues (one of the reasons he didn't want a romantic relationship and in retrospect, I'm glad as losing him would have been much harder than it was). Before my husband, another boyfriend went on to have a heart transplant, the one after him died of cancer. Health issues scare me...well, to death. There will be no one to care for me or even care if I die, when I get sick. Before COVID we didn't think about people dying alone...
I can't see a way out of this hole. I don't want to be afraid all the time. I want to feel better, even okay, if possible. When the pandemic eases (not sure it will ever be over), I'll still be all alone... and scared.
Thanks for reading this far...
P.S. If you know who "Della Street" is, major points for you! :)