So much wasted time and energy...

[ThrowawayLurker]

When I think of all the time and energy I've wasted on anxiety, it makes me mad to be honest. I've been dealing with this anxiety stuff on and off for 20 years now, although I've always been a little anxious in general it really ramped up around 2000 when I saw an article on colon cancer and immediately thought "thats me!"

I've "survived" bouts with ALS, MS, heart failure, impending strokes, tetanus, hanta virus (don't ask) and of course, every cancer imaginable. I'm sure there's a few I'm missing too. I've learned not to Google things and avoid news stories about health items the best I can but the knowledge I already have is stuck in my brain forever.

As I await a colonoscopy next month (my FIT came back positive first time in 8 years), of course every stomach related thing I feel right now has to be cancer, right? Never mind the logic that my blood tests were perfect and I feel great otherwise. Everyone in my family have lived long and healthy lives, both my grandmothers made it well into their 90s.

I just want to look in the mirror and scream at myself to "STOP, live your life and enjoy every moment you have!" Because I could just as easily die in a car wreck and I'm certainly not afraid to drive.

I truly envy those who go through life with seemingly not a care in the world.

[Redsmum]

Couldn’t agree more. I must have wasted the best part of 25 years on this crap. It just gets so tiring doesn’t it, i actually get on my own nerves now. I never google, never read anything health wise in paper or mag but as you say the knowledge you already have cannot be erased. I really don’t enjoy that many occasions & mostly i’m just going through the motions because i’ve always some health issue on my mind. So what with this & all the covid stuff we’re going through at the moment this year has completely finished me of & i just want to crawl in a hole & hide till spring time. Take care

[Worrywart84]

Amen. I hate the feeling of wasting the now worrying about the what if’s in the future. When I have a moment of clarity I can see it, but when I am in a spiral it’s just so strong that entire days, weeks can be ruined.

[ThrowawayLurker]

I really don’t enjoy that many occasions & mostly i’m just going through the motions because i’ve always some health issue on my mind.

That's the worst feeling. When I think of how many parties or concerts or other events I've done this with rather than just being in the moment, I want to scream even louder.

[Redsmum]

Its utter rubbish & we do it to ourselves thats the worst of it. When i’m really going through a bad time i feel i’m not living just bloody existing.

[ThrowawayLurker]

In all my years of anxiety, doom thinking, what ifs and Googling, I've never even been remotely correct in my thinking.

Of course, in my mind, I feel if I don't think the worst then it will actually happen.

I've already gone over my post colonoscopy conversation with the doctor a million times in my mind and it never ends well for me.

[Murphy93]

Hi Throwawaylurker

Your post has really hit home to me tonight as I was thinking the same thing upon reflection of this crazy world we are in .

For me I have spent the last 2 years of my life crippled by a fear of als I want to give myself a slap for wasting the first year especially at a time where we could live a normal life ( 2019 )

I also wasted 4 years convinced I had lymphoma

Als fear has been by far the worst and had literally robbed me of my years

It’s miserable to think about but I guess it gives me the motivation and determination to try and move forward .

[ThrowawayLurker]

ALS did a number on me too when I made the mistake of Googling "muscle twitch." Of course the more I thought about it the more I twitched. For close to a year I was convinced I had it yet the weakness never came, and the twitching subsided. And slowly but surely that fear did too, just to be replaced by whatever other disease popped in my head.

[carriewriting]

I'm with you. So many years worrying and especially Christmas' ruined by panicking about things that never turned out to be anything. Plus a virtual wikipedia of health conditions and diseases for my brain to draw on.

I just pulled myself out of a spiral by reminding myself of my appalling track record at diagnosing myself, especially at this time of year.

I've just started schema therapy (I have a thread on the Therapy board) and it's starting to throw some light on why I have these terrible health fears.

For the first time I believe I can think differently and live a happier life. Are you getting any help for your anxiety?

[NoraB]

When I think of all the time and energy I've wasted on anxiety, it makes me mad to be honest. I've been dealing with this anxiety stuff on and off for 20 years now, although I've always been a little anxious in general it really ramped up around 2000 when I saw an article on colon cancer and immediately thought "thats me!"

I've had anxiety since I slivered out of my mother's fadge. I honestly don't know how it feels to exist without anxiety? :shrug: But there is my 'normal' functioning anxiety and there is the kind which shuts me down - and that was mental breakdown. But 50 years experience of anxiety (and various other mental health disorders) has given me a lot of knowledge and I use this to try and help others - so I don't really see this as totally 'wasted time'.


I've "survived" bouts with ALS, MS, heart failure, impending strokes, tetanus, hanta virus (don't ask) and of course, every cancer imaginable. I'm sure there's a few I'm missing too. I've learned not to Google things and avoid news stories about health items the best I can but the knowledge I already have is stuck in my brain forever.

I'm also in 'fairly' good nick considering my various cancers, heart attacks, strokes, MS and whatnot...:yesyes:


Everyone in my family have lived long and healthy lives, both my grandmothers made it well into their 90s.

Take comfort in that longevity. My dad carked it when he was 8 years older then I am, and 70 seems to be the average in our family, and to be honest longevity means nothing to me unless I am well enough to have some quality of life.

A positive FIT test is common but rarely turns out to be cancer, and even if it is cancer the good news is that early intervention is a game changer. 'Perfect blood tests' put the odds very much in your favour of this not being cancer.


I just want to look in the mirror and scream at myself to "STOP, live your life and enjoy every moment you have!" Because I could just as easily die in a car wreck and I'm certainly not afraid to drive.

Indeed. You could die on your way to your colonoscopy. I could die on my way to the doctors this morning. All we can be sure of is this moment.


I truly envy those who go through life with seemingly not a care in the world.

Me too mate, and sometimes a lobotomy seems quite appealing, :huh: but we just have to do a Dory and 'keep swimming'. X

[Fishmanpa]

I've said this here many times... The things we regret the most are the things we didn't do due to fear. There are examples of that here in spades. Those that are trapped in a seemingly never ending cycle of fear, spending their days, weeks, months and yes, even years fixated on a fear with no rational reason. The subsequent anxiety causes physical symptoms which just perpetuates the cycle. And again, as I've posted many times....

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church....a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.” ― Charles Swindoll

The words in my signature are another....

Positive thoughts

[ThrowawayLurker]

A positive FIT test is common but rarely turns out to be cancer, and even if it is cancer the good news is that early intervention is a game changer. 'Perfect blood tests' put the odds very much in your favour of this not being cancer.

That is one of the few reality checks that's keeping me sane. I figure if something bad was going on the blood results surely would have showed something.

I think we've all been conditioned by too many medical dramas on TV where a perfectly healthy person goes to a doctor and is then told they have 3 months to live. I'm pretty sure life doesn't work like that (though I'm sure it's happened albeit rarely).

My mind is also kept in check by having negative FITs over the years (including last summer), so having one positive is a good kick in the ass (!) to get that overdue colonoscopy.

[katniss]

Dude! I’m with you on this. It sucks! But one thing I’ve learned while having this horrid health anxiety is that it isn’t always our fault. I blamed myself for years. I blamed myself for missing out on life and not enjoying the simple moments. No matter how hard I tried, these dark thoughts would seep through to consume me. I know mine is related to OCD and extreme anxiety about things that I can’t control and I feel as though with age the OCD manifested itself into health anxiety. I’m not a mental health expert by any means but I do know that this is something we can’t always fix ourselves and it’s time we recognize that it’s a symptom of something amiss in our minds. We have to seek therapy to help us live a more wholesome and joyous life. I wish I had done it sooner. Luckily for me, my SIL recently trained to become a psychotherapist and she has been a gold mine when it comes to this issue for me. But yeah, I see a lot of self blame happening so just wanted to say it’s not your fault at all, so don’t blame yourself. Just take the right steps to make things easier for yourself so that you can enjoy life. Not to say that I’m completely anxiety free, I wish! I am still an anxious wreck sometimes but what my SIL has been working with me on has been helping.