View Full Version : Is this a HA intrusive thought or not?
BrokenGirl
28-12-20, 18:01
I'm having a bad time with my anxiety at the moment, the intrusive HA thoughts are non stop every day. It's come to the point now where I can't tell the difference between a semi rational thought and a completely irrational one. I'll be starting counseling in the new year and am prepared to put everything I've got into it to make it work.
But in the meantime I'm panicking, again. This time it's bowel cancer. To make a long story short, about 3 years ago i saw some blood when I wiped. It went on for a few days so i went to the doctor. I told her i used to have piles and she gave me an internal exam. She said she couldn't feel any piles but maybe there was one far up, where she could barely feel with the tip of her finger. She booked me in for a colonoscopy but said I'd be waiting a while for it. About a year later the hospital rang me and asked if I still needed it. I'd had no more bleeding since and I was in a good place with my HA so i said I didn't need it anymore.
Now that my anxiety is very high again im worried i shouldn't have cancelled it. The thought going through my head at the moment is what if it was a polyp the doctor felt that day? And I've read that that's how bowel cancer starts, that some polyps turn cancerous. If I'd gone for the colonoscopy at least I'd know now if it was a polyp or a pile.
This thought just popped into my head over the past few days and I can't rationalise it. Is it crazy thinking this? Or is there some bit of logic to it?
I'd say it was a thought induced by your HA flare. 3 years ago..no further blood..Your brain is searching for something to fixate on and it's found something from the archives....
BrokenGirl
28-12-20, 20:44
I'd say it was a thought induced by your HA flare. 3 years ago..no further blood..Your brain is searching for something to fixate on and it's found something from the archives....
I get what you're saying pulisa, and logically I'm trying to look at it that way. But my HA mind keeps saying what if is was a polyp she felt? Polyps in themselves normally wouldn't have any symptoms, so it was probably just a fissure that caused the blood a few years ago.
What I'm worried about now is if it was a polyp she felt that could potentially turn into cancer.
Am i just going to places in my mind that a normal person wouldn't go?
It's classic "what if" HA thinking...
What do you think your GP would say if you rang her up and asked her the question you're asking on here? Do you feel you need to ask her about it?
BrokenGirl
29-12-20, 00:24
It's classic "what if" HA thinking...
What do you think your GP would say if you rang her up and asked her the question you're asking on here? Do you feel you need to ask her about it?
I'm really trying to convince myself that that's all this is. I honestly don't even know where all this came out of. I wasn't thinking about it or worrying about it and then suddenly the thought came out of nowhere. I hate what HA has done to me......
Do I feel the need to ask my GP about it? The honest answer to that is I don't know. The only thing that has stopped any intrusive thoughts over the past few months is saying it to my GP. I can't talk myself down from anything anymore.
I don't know what's real and what's in my head anymore. I don't know if this current fear is real or just ridiculous. And even if there's nothing physically wrong with me, I'm starting to worry that I'll never be rid of this HA it's gotten so bad.
BrokenGirl
29-12-20, 10:16
Just looking for a little bit of advice and maybe a few options on this. Would I be mad to ring the doctor over this worry ( and by the way, the doctor who examined me a few years ago isn't my doctor now, she left about 2 years ago).
I can't get these awful bad thoughts out of my head. I feel sick this morning I'm worrying so much. But on the other hand I don't want to be annoying the doctor if it's something I shouldn't be worrying about. What should I do?
If it's been worrying you for quite some time then I would suggest speaking to your doctors as I know with me the thoughts don't stop on their own if its been playing on my mind for a while. My doctor has said to me before that he would prefer it if I phoned when something was worrying me rather than googling and stressing over things unnecessarily. Thinking of you x
BrokenGirl
31-12-20, 00:22
If it's been worrying you for quite some time then I would suggest speaking to your doctors as I know with me the thoughts don't stop on their own if its been playing on my mind for a while. My doctor has said to me before that he would prefer it if I phoned when something was worrying me rather than googling and stressing over things unnecessarily. Thinking of you x
I can certainly relate to that - the thoughts don't stop on their own. I decided to ring my doctor yesterday because it was eating me up. But I was not prepared for what I was told over the phone. My doctor is after leaving. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was only talking to her a week ago and I wished her a happy christmas and said I'd see her in the new year. All I was told by the receptionist was that she's not coming back. I'm really gutted over this. She was a brilliant doctor, totally understood my HA. She made sure I knew that I could go in to her anytime or ring her. And all the while she was trying to get me on track with medication and counselling.
I got so upset after that phone call. Was that a normal reaction? I don't know, but it's how I feel. This is the third time I've lost a good doctor and it really hurts. The doctor who owns the practice is awful, very rude and impatient. I feel like there's no hope at this stage, just want to curl up in a ball forever....
carriewriting
31-12-20, 00:48
Sorry you are having a tough time right now. One thing that helps me is when the scary thoughts come is that I examine how I'm feeling. If it's super panicky and overwhelmed, it's health anxiety.
The few times I've actually had a real health issue, I was surprisingly calm about it.
Once you have a scary thought you'll get a big dump of adrenaline. You need to burn it off to get your mind to switch off, otherwise the panicked thoughts just keep coming. As soon as you feel the fear, do something physical that gets you out of breath. eg. push ups, star jumps, squats, burpees, climb stairs, walk fast, run.
I hope you find a new doctor soon so you can keep going with your treatment plan. x
If I'd gone for the colonoscopy at least I'd know now if it was a polyp or a pile.
This thought just popped into my head over the past few days and I can't rationalise it. Is it crazy thinking this? Or is there some bit of logic to it
It's HA thinking because the logical thinking which is that your GP deemed this so un-urgent that you'd be in for a lengthy wait for the colonoscopy. Also, this was 3 years ago and you've had no more bleeding since and no other symptoms? If that bleeding had been due to an obstruction in your bowel - do you honestly think that three years on you would have no symptoms at all? You know this is your HA mind trying to mess with you.
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