Struggling again, is there no way out?

[Inanna]

Hi all

Ive been trying really hard, and to some extent have managed to keep my ha in check for a while. But I can feel my grip slipping, and I don’t know how to stop it.

I wrote here before, that my (estranged) sister died in October from lung cancer, without us being reconciled. I’m trying to support my mum and younger sister as best I can, an this includes listening to really distressing details. I think it’s triggering ( and for that I am ashamed, like I am making it all about me).

My heart fears are never far away, I’m getting chest pains again, but I know my anxiety is rising now... and I also worry about cancer, specifically bowel cancer, as my guts are dodgy, I feel like death is closing in on me. Every day is another story .. my poor mums cousin just diagnosed with breast cancer, my younger sisters friend diagnosed with skin cancer which has affected his skull,,
...

that last one has made me worry again about some lesions on my partners head. He had them checked by the gp who said they were harmless sun damage, but I keep thinking that might be wrong, I looked today, and I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but one looks like it’s changed colour a bit.

Today , my younger sister told me that her daughter has just tested positive for COVID. I freaked out, as my mum had visited before ( I know she shouldn’t have, but it’s very difficult to tell a grieving old lady that she has to stay locked in her flat). My niece assured me that she had not been to her mums for weeks before Christmas, and so no risk to my mum , who visited the week before Christmas, but I can’t help worrying. My ocd doesn’t cope well with not following rules.

my eldest daughter works in a prison where COVID is rife, so I can’t see her stall, but I worry constantly, her mental health if fragile,


im sorry this is such a brain dump, this year has been horrific, and I feel like I’m on the edge

ive got the calm app, and I want to start cbt again. Any other words of wisdom would be so grateful recieved

thank you if you managed to read it all

Inannaxx

[pulisa]

You won't be able to control how other people behave or who they mix with..All you can do is advise and resolve to concentrate on your own response to all these distressing triggers.

I think it's a good idea to start your CBT again and to use any device you can to stay as calm as possible..The calm app, the piano music, anything which gives you some distraction and peace from the unhelpful intrusive thoughts. and it's so hard to get any respite at all.

This year has been a terrible one for me too and I'm really struggling with my OCD/ED intrusive thoughts. I think trauma makes existing problems far more pronounced and relentless. I really do feel for you, Inanna. It's hard to keep your head above the water with HA but you realise what's happening and that's half the battle xx

[Inanna]

Hi pulisa

thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate you taking the time.

my youngest daughter has today left to live in Holland, and the house felt so silent when I got home. I drove her to London to get the Eurostar ( 4 hour round trip) and was worrying that I would have a heart attack and crash the car. ( I e been getting shoulder pain).

I just want to enjoy things again, it’s like my brain is sabotaging everything. I’m on holiday from work this week, and planned to catch up on loads of things, but my brain is in freeze mode, if you understand what I mean.

im also looking at essential oils, and picking up my guitar again, as generally I will not think about other things when I play,

so sorry to hear you have had a terrible year too, I hope things get better for you, sending you positive vibes

Inanna xx

[Munchlet]

Hi

I'm sorry to hear about your Sister and it sounds like you are having a rough time with hearing about illnesses that are affecting others. Unfortunately, for anyone with HA that in itself is usually a trigger. It's not that you are making it about you but it's just the way our brains work and we can't help but worry that these same illnesses could ultimately affect us. Although normally with HA we think we have some of them anyway! :)

I think CBT would be a good idea as it does provide some coping techniques and ways of rationalising the thoughts. I'm actually doing CBT myself at the moment.

I can relate to some of what you are experiencing as my Dad was diagnosed with Leukemia a few months ago, being one of my biggest fears I have struggled to process and deal with this and like you I don't want it to appear it's about me because my Dad has been really poorly but it has also really triggered my anxiety.

The other thing I've started is hypnoanalysis and hypnotherapy. Whilst I am by no means cured I have found that doing CBT and the hypnotherapy has started to uncover why I may have HA and that is helping me in some ways.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it seems like you are hearing a lot of bad news at the moment and that would affect someone who didn't have HA so it's normal for your anxiety to be high what you need to do is focus on the things that relax you, get that guitar out and take some time out to do things for you.

One other thing I've learnt at my CBT is to make time for yourself, I've recently taken up Calligraphy and finding it really theraputic.

Take Care