Inanna
28-12-20, 19:54
Hi all
Ive been trying really hard, and to some extent have managed to keep my ha in check for a while. But I can feel my grip slipping, and I don’t know how to stop it.
I wrote here before, that my (estranged) sister died in October from lung cancer, without us being reconciled. I’m trying to support my mum and younger sister as best I can, an this includes listening to really distressing details. I think it’s triggering ( and for that I am ashamed, like I am making it all about me).
My heart fears are never far away, I’m getting chest pains again, but I know my anxiety is rising now... and I also worry about cancer, specifically bowel cancer, as my guts are dodgy, I feel like death is closing in on me. Every day is another story .. my poor mums cousin just diagnosed with breast cancer, my younger sisters friend diagnosed with skin cancer which has affected his skull,,
...
that last one has made me worry again about some lesions on my partners head. He had them checked by the gp who said they were harmless sun damage, but I keep thinking that might be wrong, I looked today, and I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but one looks like it’s changed colour a bit.
Today , my younger sister told me that her daughter has just tested positive for COVID. I freaked out, as my mum had visited before ( I know she shouldn’t have, but it’s very difficult to tell a grieving old lady that she has to stay locked in her flat). My niece assured me that she had not been to her mums for weeks before Christmas, and so no risk to my mum , who visited the week before Christmas, but I can’t help worrying. My ocd doesn’t cope well with not following rules.
my eldest daughter works in a prison where COVID is rife, so I can’t see her stall, but I worry constantly, her mental health if fragile,
im sorry this is such a brain dump, this year has been horrific, and I feel like I’m on the edge
ive got the calm app, and I want to start cbt again. Any other words of wisdom would be so grateful recieved
thank you if you managed to read it all
Inannaxx
Ive been trying really hard, and to some extent have managed to keep my ha in check for a while. But I can feel my grip slipping, and I don’t know how to stop it.
I wrote here before, that my (estranged) sister died in October from lung cancer, without us being reconciled. I’m trying to support my mum and younger sister as best I can, an this includes listening to really distressing details. I think it’s triggering ( and for that I am ashamed, like I am making it all about me).
My heart fears are never far away, I’m getting chest pains again, but I know my anxiety is rising now... and I also worry about cancer, specifically bowel cancer, as my guts are dodgy, I feel like death is closing in on me. Every day is another story .. my poor mums cousin just diagnosed with breast cancer, my younger sisters friend diagnosed with skin cancer which has affected his skull,,
...
that last one has made me worry again about some lesions on my partners head. He had them checked by the gp who said they were harmless sun damage, but I keep thinking that might be wrong, I looked today, and I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but one looks like it’s changed colour a bit.
Today , my younger sister told me that her daughter has just tested positive for COVID. I freaked out, as my mum had visited before ( I know she shouldn’t have, but it’s very difficult to tell a grieving old lady that she has to stay locked in her flat). My niece assured me that she had not been to her mums for weeks before Christmas, and so no risk to my mum , who visited the week before Christmas, but I can’t help worrying. My ocd doesn’t cope well with not following rules.
my eldest daughter works in a prison where COVID is rife, so I can’t see her stall, but I worry constantly, her mental health if fragile,
im sorry this is such a brain dump, this year has been horrific, and I feel like I’m on the edge
ive got the calm app, and I want to start cbt again. Any other words of wisdom would be so grateful recieved
thank you if you managed to read it all
Inannaxx