Can HA really do this?

[BrokenGirl]

Has anyone's HA ever got so bad that your brain makes you see things differently?

It happened to me this morning. Or at least I'm hoping it was all in my mind. I called my daughter (13) who was asleep in bed, just waking up. Whatever way I looked at her I thought her lips looked blue. I looked a few more times, trying not to let her notice, and I kept saying to myself they are not blue but my brain was trying to tell me they were. And this was going on all day. She does have cold hands and feet a lot of the time. I mentioned the hands/feet thing to my doctor a few weeks ago and she said from what I described it was nothing serious. Of course I was thinking heart problems and it's as if my brain wanted me to see the blue lips today to bring up that worry again. I'm still worried now her lips might have been a bit blue and what it means.

Does this sound completely crazy or can anyone relate to this? I know I was like this a few years ago when my HA got very bad, then I got a job and things improved greatly for me. But it's been nearly 12 months now since I lost my job and here I am again. It's as if my brain wants me to worry all the time and if I'm not worried about anything it will find something or make me believe it's found something.

[nomorepanic]

I really think you need to treat the real problem here - the HA and stop looking for other issues.

What help are you getting?

[BrokenGirl]

I know I need to deal with the HA problem. But believe me when I say I don't go looking for things to worry about. It just happens out of nowhere. One minute I might be thinking about what time I'll start cooking the dinner, what needs to be cooked first etc and then an awful thought jumps into my head to tell me there's something seriously wrong. And it won't go away.


I want more than anything now to start working on it and get better and getting my life back. My doctor had given me the name of a psychologist who is supposed to be very good. I rang him a few days ago but unfortunately he's not taking on any new clients at the moment, due to covid. He told me to ring him again in about a month and he'll see the way things are then.


I've tried nearly all meds going at this stage but there's nothing working for me. I'm too sensitive to many of them, the side effects are too much.
I'm not sure what direction to turn in at the moment now.

[pulisa]

You need to have a health issue to worry about and you'll "find" something somewhere ..if not on yourself then on your immediate family.

It's not fair to project your HA onto your young daughter though. You really don't want to pass on this "legacy" and fill her full of needless fear.

[BrokenGirl]

You need to have a health issue to worry about and you'll "find" something somewhere ..if not on yourself then on your immediate family.

It's not fair to project your HA onto your young daughter though. You really don't want to pass on this "legacy" and fill her full of needless fear.
I know I'll find something to worry about, that's the way HA works for me at the moment.
But I do find it a small bit hurtful that you would say I'm not being fair to my daughter. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose or I can stop these thoughts when they come. If I could do that then I wouldn't be coming on here looking for advice, or ringing a psychologist or trying every medication under the sun. I don't want to live like this but at the moment I can't find a way out of it.
And my daughter doesn't know about this latest fear I have for her. I wouldn't dare tell her or even let her suspect there is something worrying me about her.
I really am trying Pulisa but I feel like I've hit a brick wall the the moment.

[nomorepanic]

Have you tried reading through the online HA material we recommend on here?

[pulisa]

I know I'll find something to worry about, that's the way HA works for me at the moment.
But I do find it a small bit hurtful that you would say I'm not being fair to my daughter. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose or I can stop these thoughts when they come. If I could do that then I wouldn't be coming on here looking for advice, or ringing a psychologist or trying every medication under the sun. I don't want to live like this but at the moment I can't find a way out of it.
And my daughter doesn't know about this latest fear I have for her. I wouldn't dare tell her or even let her suspect there is something worrying me about her.
I really am trying Pulisa but I feel like I've hit a brick wall the the moment.


I know you are trying hard, BrokenGirl but the fact is that you DO project your HA onto your daughter- judging by your post history- and she's at a very vulnerable age.
You've acknowledged that your HA makes you seek out health issues and you aren't able to stop the thoughts but you CAN choose to challenge them.

I hope you are able to have a look at what is available on here as Nic suggests? It's a question of seeing what helps and what doesn't and trying to work out a plan for yourself while you are waiting for the psychologist to see you.

[BrokenGirl]

Have you tried reading through the online HA material we recommend on here?
I've tried them many times Nicola but they just don't work for me. Not anymore anyway.
I think at this stage I need real life help, a person I can talk to about these issues when they arise. Someone who will explain things to me and teach me how to start fighting this.
I wish the online stuff worked for me, or even helped a little. At least it would be a step in the right direction for now.

[Fishmanpa]

I think at this stage I need real life help, a person I can talk to about these issues when they arise. Someone who will explain things to me and teach me how to start fighting this.

This has been said and recommended many, many times through your history here. When will you act on it?

FMP

[BrokenGirl]

This has been said and recommended many, many times through your history here. When will you act on it?

FMP
I did ring the psychologist last week but he's not taking on new clients at the moment due to covid. He said to ring him back in about a month to see how things are then.
I don't know what else I can do at the moment

[BrokenGirl]

I know you are trying hard, BrokenGirl but the fact is that you DO project your HA onto your daughter- judging by your post history- and she's at a very vulnerable age.
You've acknowledged that your HA makes you seek out health issues and you aren't able to stop the thoughts but you CAN choose to challenge them.

I hope you are able to have a look at what is available on here as Nic suggests? It's a question of seeing what helps and what doesn't and trying to work out a plan for yourself while you are waiting for the psychologist to see you.
That's exactly what I can't do at the moment Pulisa. If I even try to challenge a thought my HA will jump straight in and stop it.
That's where I need to see a psychologist so he can teach me how to do it. Reading information online just doesn't cut it for me anymore. It did help a bit a few years back but my HA has gotten so bad I need to talk to someone about it. But that won't happen for a while now.


How do I challenge this current worry? That I think my daughters lips are a bit blue. Even looking at her today I can see a tinge of grey/blue on them. I don't know how much of it is real and how much is my HA mind blowing it up. What would a psychologist tell me to do with this thought? There's so much flying around in my head about it. My HA mind telling me it's a sign that something serious might be wrong. How do I break the cycle and be happy with it?

[Worrywart84]

Do you have a good relationship with your daughter’s pediatrician? I would honestly just give mine a call and run it by them and if they don’t seem concerned then I would try to let it go. I do this a lot for kid stuff. Honestly I think pediatricians are used to it even from the non HA crowd.

I’m not sure if that’s the correct advice because it is technically reassurance seeking and I am also struggling with my own spiral so clearly not someone to emulate lol but just tossing out my thoughts.

[pulisa]

That's exactly what I can't do at the moment Pulisa. If I even try to challenge a thought my HA will jump straight in and stop it.
That's where I need to see a psychologist so he can teach me how to do it. Reading information online just doesn't cut it for me anymore. It did help a bit a few years back but my HA has gotten so bad I need to talk to someone about it. But that won't happen for a while now.


How do I challenge this current worry? That I think my daughters lips are a bit blue. Even looking at her today I can see a tinge of grey/blue on them. I don't know how much of it is real and how much is my HA mind blowing it up. What would a psychologist tell me to do with this thought? There's so much flying around in my head about it. My HA mind telling me it's a sign that something serious might be wrong. How do I break the cycle and be happy with it?

What does your HA mind want you to do? How much have you "researched " about cyanosis? What do you think your daughter would do if you told her you thought she had a heart condition?

[BrokenGirl]

My mind, which I presume is my HA mind for now, wants me to ring the doctor and ask her. Is that the wrong thing to do? I assume it is but it doesn't feel that way at the moment.
And as for cyanosis, I've never heard of it so I don't know anything about it. But now I'm worried it's a serious condition with blue lips being a symptom of it. I haven't googled about any of this and I'm trying so hard not to.
Of course she'd freak out if I told her what I was thinking, which is why I'm not saying anything to her.

[BlueIris]

Cyanosis simply means blue colour, so no need to worry on that count.

[pulisa]

My mind, which I presume is my HA mind for now, wants me to ring the doctor and ask her. Is that the wrong thing to do? I assume it is but it doesn't feel that way at the moment.
And as for cyanosis, I've never heard of it so I don't know anything about it. But now I'm worried it's a serious condition with blue lips being a symptom of it. I haven't googled about any of this and I'm trying so hard not to.
Of course she'd freak out if I told her what I was thinking, which is why I'm not saying anything to her.

You said in your first post that you were worried that blue lips meant a heart condition so I assumed that you had heard of cyanosis for that reason. If you really feel you have reason to be worried then you have every right to phone your GP and discuss what you fear. My son has a diagnosed heart condition so I'm sorry I used that word if it frightened you.

[BrokenGirl]

You said in your first post that you were worried that blue lips meant a heart condition so I assumed that you had heard of cyanosis for that reason. If you really feel you have reason to be worried then you have every right to phone your GP and discuss what you fear. My son has a diagnosed heart condition so I'm sorry I used that word if it frightened you.
No need to be sorry Pulisa, I know you didn't mean any harm. And I'm sorry that your son has a heart condition. I truly hope it isn't too serious and he's able to live a normal life with it!


I want to ask you more questions but I'm afraid to as well. All I'm thinking now is that you obviously know a lot about heart conditions due to your son, so that's the reason you know about cyanosis?
I can't even say for sure if my daughter's lips are blue. A lot of the time I look at her they seem ok.
Even if someone's lips do turn blue, is it a sign of a heart condition or could it be something less serious? Does cyanosis refer to the lips or other parts of the body?
I did notice her hands were a bit blue a few weeks before christmas, during some cold weather (her hands and feet are often cold). I said it to my doctor at the time and she told me it's nothing to worry about. She told me the name of what it might be, worst case scenario, but I can't remember the name of it. But it's nothing serious and was nothing to do with the heart. But I've never mentioned blue lips to her.


I honestly don't know if I should be ringing the doctor or not. If her lips were definitely blue a lot of the time then I would. But where do I know where to draw the line between seeking reassurance for something trivial and having good reason to ask a doctor something? That's the curse of HA.

[NotDeadYet]

But where do I know where to draw the line between seeking reassurance for something trivial and having good reason to ask a doctor something?

I've created a rule of thumb: If the symptom is persistent (unrelenting, not getting better, obvious, etc) for two weeks then I make an appointment. Your daughter's potential blue lips doesn't pass my test so I would honestly forget about it and move on. So much easier said then done.

I would recommend creating a rule of some kind. It will give you permission to think of other things because you won't have to keep checking and worrying.


Best Wishes

[pulisa]

I really do want to apologise to you, BrokenGirl. My post has caused you to spiral and give you needless additional worry. It was stupid of me in the extreme.

[BrokenGirl]

Honestly Pulisa, you have no need to apologise. Your heart was in the right place when you mentioned it. I'll admit that it did send me on a bit of a spiral, but I think I'm coming round a bit now. And it's not the first time it's happened me on this forum. I'll often read someone's thread thinking it can't do any harm and then I'll see someone mention something that will trigger me off again. It's how HA works and I can't hide from everything all the time.
You certainly weren't stupid to mention it so please don't feel bad. It's all part of coming on to this forum - alot of the time we'll hear what we want to hear but we have to accept that we will also hear things we don't want to. All part of the forum life :wacko:

NotDeadYet - I like your rule of thumb idea. I think it's something I could actually try to work with for now. So I'm going to give it a shot. It won't be easy, I can tell that already. But recovering from HA never is easy!!

And thank you also to Worrywart84 and BlueIris for your replies earlier.
I'm going to hold off on calling the doctor for now WorryWart, see how I get on. And thanks for letting me know what cyanosis is BlueIris. I felt instant relief when I read it :)