Armpit lumps? Maybe? [Archive]

Worrywart84

11-01-21, 07:02

And it’s me again.

So I am doing this thing where I have not allowed myself to touch my neck lymph nodes (see my previous threads) because the poking and prodding only fuels the spiral. I have made it a whole three days and counting. Woo.

So guess what I did I instead? I casually glanced at my armpit and I visually noticed what looked like little lumps. I couldn’t help but touch, expecting to find yet another terror inducing lymph node but instead I felt..nothing? I think? So I almost have the opposite problem from my neck—unless I twist my neck, I can’t see my lymph nodes but oh boy can I feel them. This armpit looks like it has two little round lumps/bumps but when I touch them there’s nothing lymph node feeling underneath.

So I have gone back and forth to feeling like well that’s nothing to hyper-obsessive over why it looks like there might be something raised or puffy or swollen there. My husband says it’s just the way my skin folds so then I started googling photos of normal armpits to see if anyone else’s looks like this. Yep. That’s how crazy I have become.

So I get that I totally have a severe case of HA over nodes and try as I might I am still getting sucked into this spiral, but then also I am now freaked out that if these are enlarged nodes somehow that I have them in multiple locations so I must have lymphoma.

I coughed a bit yesterday...lymphoma.

My legs get sweaty at night sometimes..lymphoma.

Sometimes I feel flushed or chilled...lymphoma.

I feel an itch...lymphoma.

I cannot stop obsessing over this :( :( :( :(

I told my husband if it really is lymphoma
I wish it could just be super obvious so I could stop going in circles analyzing stuff to see if it’s worthy of calling my doctor yet again.

So I’m wondering if I call my doctor, preface that I am having a really bad spiral, go in for an appointment to see what she thinks of my neck (where I’ve gone digging and found new nodes), my armpit and my occasional random symptoms and see what she thinks and then if all is well, ask for a referral for someone who can help me with my HA (I saw two people previously, but neither are currently practicing)....or just do that last part.

Or just keep trying to battle here solo.

I am just exhausted with worry.

Always appreciate any feedback—it’s so much easier to see a situation when it isn’t your own.

NotDeadYet

11-01-21, 15:26

I told my husband if it really is lymphoma, I wish it could just be super obvious so I could stop going in circles analyzing stuff to see if it’s worthy of calling my doctor yet again.

Worrywart84,

If you had lymphoma, it would be obvious. There would be no digging, googling, or questioning if you should go to a doctor. Your HA is creating all of this. If you have previously received an all clear, then I would recommend that you request a referral to take care of your HA.

Best Wishes.

Worrywart84

11-01-21, 18:36

Thanks for your reply. So I received an all clear in July on two of my larger neck lymph nodes, but I have since discovered more tiny ones on the same side. Then the armpit situation is new. That’s my biggest HA issue is that when I do get the all clear, my HA finds a way to reignite the worry with something “new” but “related” and it makes me feel like “well now I must go back and discuss this new finding.” It plays on the doctor’s “if it gets worse, give us a call” theme, you know?

NotDeadYet

11-01-21, 19:14

I absolutely understand! It creates a vicious cycle that never ends.

That being said, it does have to end at some point if you wish to move on with your life. Your body will forever be changing. New and weird symptoms and changes will spring up overnight. The important thing is learning how to regulate your interpretation of those changes.

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume (correct me if I'm wrong) that the "more tiny ones" you "discovered" did not pop up like golf balls overnight. Rather you were poking and prodding to just be sure that nothing was amiss. Through the poking and prodding you "discovered" new ones. Additionally you saw what you thought were lumps in your armpits but upon further inspection you can't feel anything. Ultimately what's happening is your brain (which you have control over) is fixated on lymphoma so anything you see that is amiss gets tagged as lymphoma.

If I were in your position with an all clear just 6 months ago, I would begin actively practicing challenging my thoughts every single time an intrusive, unhelpful thought comes in. For example, if I saw the "lumps" in my armpits, I might quickly touch them and realize nothing was there. Then when the thought "but what if..." comes into my mind I would, out loud, say, "I touched that area this morning and there was nothing there. Nothing has changed so I can move on." Then I would move on. If the thought came again 5 second later, I would repeat the same thought. This process would happen each and every time I had an intrusive thought. I coughed a bit yesterday..."It was just a small tickle." My legs get sweaty at night sometimes..."It's winter and I have a lot of blankets on my bed." Sometimes I feel flushed or chilled..."My body is constantly changing and that's just what it does." I feel an itch..."It's literally just an itch." Find what works for you and the practice, practice, practice. Given that you have an all clear the single best thing you can repeat is, "A medically trained professional has given me the all clear. There is nothing wrong with me. I can live my life." This has been my go to for all things lymphoma. The minute you believe you have no control is when you've truly lost it. You have control over how you react to your thoughts.

My HA is fueled by lymphoma worries. But I've spent years practicing these things every day and I promise they work. You just have to practice!

Best Wishes.

Lana

11-01-21, 19:48

Worrywart84,

Just to let you know that I went through exact same thing with my armpits - went the very next day to the doctor , and guess what: that is how armpits look like. I also do the same pattern as you: when I get assurance , I am calm for a short time, and then something else comes up, and , so, I keep on going and going and going...I went this morning to the doctor about this " firm small bump" on my shin - well, it is my vein, it is not a bump. I am getting older and some veins become more prominent. There is also bluish shade to it, and the doctor said: Could you not see that this is a vein? Pathetic.

Anyways, just to tell you that there is nothing wrong with your armpits. And good luck.

Worrywart84

11-01-21, 20:28

NotDeadYet, you are correct in your assumption that I went digging. It was an awful episode where I “unearthed” like 4-5 new ones and then I spent the rest of the evening obsessively touching them. Now I have forbid myself to even touch my neck but I still rehearse each and every one’s position and feel in my mind, almost mentally going through the motions of inspecting them. It’s..awful.

My armpit, meanwhile, has been under siege with prodding and is now sore. So I am totally open to trying this thought challenging advice because I can assure you I do have thoughts every 5 seconds that need to be challenged. I will update you on how it goes...how long did it take for you to think/feel differently by using this technique?

Lana, I’m glad you got the all clear and you can relax. I am so tempted to go get that reassurance (hopefully) too but I also want to try to challenge the need to go first and see how it goes. My fears in going are 1. Actually being diagnosed with something (which I know is technically something you would want to know but gosh how scary.) 2. Being sent for additional testing which almost gives legitimacy to the fear, leaves me in a nightmare of waiting worry, and could result in a random incidental finding that will lead me spiraling in a different direction. 3. Stupid covid. And 4. Letting my HA win with the reassurance.

I am also tempted to post a picture of my armpit here, but I doubt anyone really wants to see an armpit.

Thank you both again for your words and advice. It is honestly so nice to talk to people who really GET how this feels. I tried describing it to my mom and husband like this: “You know how awful it must feel a normal person to be diagnosed by a doctor with some super scary thing—the fear, panic, terror, stomach dropping, life changing feeling—imagine your mind putting you through that simulation all the time even if it hasn’t really, and probably won’t actually happen.” Or “you know how when you have a really bad dream and you are heart racing scared or totally crushed and devastated and then you wake up and you’re so thankful it was just a nightmare—imagine living through that stomach churning feeling and wondering if you are in a dream state or a reality state and you can’t ever wake up to find out.”

Kuraimoar

11-01-21, 22:51

I went through a nasty lymphoma fear back in 2017. It started with me noticing my right lymph node under my jaw was very swollen. Followed by an outbreak of hives that lasted for weeks. I finally saw the doctor and was told she doubted I had lymphoma and was given prednisone for the hives which she said were likely either viral or random. They eventually went away and the node went down (but not to normal size and it still swells like crazy if I get sick). My fears have since changed to heart and breathing issues. But I know how it feels to try to explain it to someone who doesn't understand. "Oh you're fine, don't worry" Impossible lmao

Worrywart84

12-01-21, 01:04

Kuraimoar I hear ya. I’m glad you were able to overcome the lymphoma fears but sorry to hear you’ve moved on to another. If I were to list every disease I thought I had and the timeframe I worried about it, well, it would just be sad and embarrassing. And yet, it’s only easy to laugh at after the fact.

NotDeadYet

12-01-21, 16:20

how long did it take for you to think/feel differently by using this technique?

I began much like you with a rule not to check my known lymph nodes. I started by setting goals of how long I would go without touching my nodes. It began with one day, then two, then a week. Once the week was over I would allow myself to check them. I was ONLY checking to see if they had changed. When they hadn't, I stopped and set another goal to go another week. Eventually I got to the point where the week would end and I wouldn't have the desire to touch them because I would tell myself "they haven't changed in the last x number of weeks why would they have changed now." During the in between times when I wasn't checking the nodes, I would practice the thought challenges each time I had the urge to check.

Overall this process took two - three months. Simultaneously, I was in therapy working through the underlying issues of my HA. I also added meditation to my practice which gave me greater resiliency to combat the thoughts. One final thing was that I read Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. Life changing!

I still have moments of anxiety and have learned that HA will be a forever companion of mine however I can actively manage it.

Best Wishes

Worrywart84

12-01-21, 16:34

That’s so crazy that you said that because I did order that book over the summer after seeing someone mention it here in another post (could have been you??) and I just haven’t gotten around to reading it.

I should probably dig for that book instead of lymph nodes is what you are saying...

I tried doing this this morning, visually checking my neck and armpit and then saying I’m not coming back in here to do this again until tomorrow...we will see how it goes. There’s one puffy spot on my right side of my neck that’s never been there before and I can feel a node underneath...I am hoping that I just self-enlarged it by my previous poking spree from several days ago.

Worrywart84

13-01-21, 05:17

Made it through the entire day without checking these spots. Going to allow myself to visually look again tomorrow morning and then no more for another day. Had to battle the urge multiple times in my mind. Very hard to comb out my hair after the shower so much that I had to not look in the mirror but I did it!

NotDeadYet

13-01-21, 14:58

Well done! That is great and very exciting!!

Worrywart84

15-01-21, 19:16

On day 4 of only checking myself out in the mirror in the morning. Doing ok, but I’m randomly itching everywhere. Trying to tell myself it’s just an itch from dry skin and/or hyper focusing. I don’t want to Google anything about lymphoma but I do kind of want to know what/where/how intense that itch is so I can compare. Probably shouldn’t do that, right?

NotDeadYet

15-01-21, 19:52

I do kind of want to know what/where/how intense that itch is so I can compare. Probably shouldn’t do that, right?

That's right! Googling will only feed the dragon.

You're doing great! I think it's really awesome that you are challenging the itching with "its just an itch from dry skin." You are literally changing your brain when you do this. You create new neural connections through this practice and eventually this will become your default response. Keep it up. We are all rooting for you!

Best Wishes

Worrywart84

16-01-21, 15:37

For the last month or so, I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and the backs of my legs are really sweaty (like back of the knee area.) I am trying to challenge this thought as well saying that this doesn’t classify as a night sweat, but I’m struggling with it a bit. I just don’t recall this ever happening before. My HA is trying to tell me this is just the beginning and soon I’ll have full blown night sweats. My rational mind is saying that this doesn’t classify as a night sweat and there is the possibility that this has happened to me before but I wasn’t hyper focusing so I never had the urge to tag it as a lymphoma symptom until now.

Anyway, this is Day 5 of only examining my neck and armpit in the morning. I’m feeling good about that but kind of uneasy about the sweaty leg thing.

Fishmanpa

16-01-21, 15:41

NotDeadYet

16-01-21, 16:29

Agreed with FMP. Your post has some rational that is healthy and which you should latch onto as you challenge the thoughts. Keep up the good work!

Worrywart84

16-01-21, 16:33

Thank you both—really trying.

Almost feels good to be done with the “inspection” this morning so I don’t have to torture myself with it anymore for the rest of the day.

NotDeadYet

16-01-21, 17:04

Giving yourself some grace!!

Worrywart84

17-01-21, 03:36

I was triggered by two GoFundMe stories tonight while just scrolling on social media. Ugh, does anyone else have that happen? I feel so terrible that someone actually is going through a true confirmed nightmare and it makes me feel weird, like feeling awful for this happening to them, while simultaneously envisioning my own GoFundMe while simultaneously feeling like a horrible person for doing that.

Worrywart84

17-01-21, 20:48

Fishmanpa

17-01-21, 21:20

Did another morning check and have been feeling ok about it. This definitely lessens my worry and saves some of my otherwise wasted energy throughout the day. I think I might try going weekly and see how that works out.

If you think you can handle it, go for it! But also consider working your way up to it as well. Every other day etc.

Positive thoughts

Worrywart84

19-01-21, 05:41

Spoke too soon.

So, on a positive note—I didn’t look at my neck or armpit today, attempting to see how long I can go before I get the urge to do so again.

But just as I was feeling good about that victory, I found a lump in my lower left abdomen. I can’t tell if it’s like, a lymph node (it’s above that groin line but I know they are everywhere), a fat deposit, my intestines, a thicker muscle or tendon or what but it’s definitely not on the other side and when I suck in it pokes out a ton. (I’m pretty skinny which I why I can see and feel all of these stupid things.) It feels kinda firm and not mobile, which terrifies me if it’s a lymph node.

So now what? Do I go to my doctor because this is a new finding? Or do I dismiss this because I’m searching for things to fit my lymphoma narrative and fueling my anxiety further by seeking reassurance? I mean how are people like us EVER supposed to know?!

I am on like level 10 anxiety right now and not sure what to do. It makes me feel a little better typing it out here.

I am really mad at myself while simultaneously scared out of my mind.

Can I just re-title this thread, “Lumps Everywhere, maybe?” Because they just keep coming.

Worrywart84

19-01-21, 15:29

This morning I feel like maybe it’s just my asymmetrical body. I am trying to put it in the category of my neck and armpit and not inspect in the rest of the day and see how I feel tomorrow.

Things definitely seem to send me in a spiral in the late hours of the night vs the morning.

NotDeadYet

19-01-21, 15:34

I've been waiting for a post like this from you Worrywart84 and quite frankly I'm glad its here.

First & foremost, do not be mad at yourself. This "relapse" of sorts is normal and absolutely expected. Your brain is still wired to find any story it can to fit the narrative as you put it. You will have this type of experience again and again until one day it just doesn't bother. That takes time and practice though.

Secondly, unless this magically and mysteriously popped up overnight then you need not run to the doctor. You used the word "found a lump", "new finding", and "I'm searching". These indicate that maybe you were doing a self check and came across something new to you? If that's the case, then there is no need to worry. You are feeding your anxiety. If I were in this position (I have been in this exact position with a groin "lump") I would continue the practice you've been doing and give it a week. Then I'd check in a week and if it's changed (gotten bigger) then I'd make an appointment. If not (likely) then I'd move on.

You're dong great! Keep up the work and keep practicing!

Best Wishes

Worrywart84

19-01-21, 16:13

Thank you. I have benefitted a lot from your words.

I am trying to rationally tell myself I did go self examining—I was looking in the mirror and it was just sort of there. My hip bones poke out too but in the same spots and same size so they don’t bother me but this is like a weird lump next to that. I can’t even find the beginning/end of it so I’m like..is this a muscle or tendon maybe? It’s just strangely absent on the other side, although I do feel something similar in a slightly different spot and less prominent on that side.

So you think as long as this doesn’t blow up in a week, even if it’s still there, I chalk it up to normal anatomy that was always there? I just hate that we can’t go back and verify that with our brains ya know. I keep saying, well if it was always there why am I just now noticing it? (But I sort of know the answer to that question.)

So you never got your groin lump checked out and just forgot about it?

I can’t wait for the day I think like you do now.

NotDeadYet

19-01-21, 16:19

So you think as long as this doesn’t blow up in a week, even if it’s still there, I chalk it up to normal anatomy that was always there?

Absolutely!!

So you never got your groin lump checked out and just forgot about it?

Yep! I certainly didn't forget about it because my brain won't let me so I'll check it maybe once a quarter, notice that it's normal asymmetrical anatomy, and move one with my life.

Best Wishes

Worrywart84

19-01-21, 17:23

Thank you so much. I will try to do the same.

Worrywart84

21-01-21, 04:07

Having another bad spiral. While washing my hands, I noticed one side of my neck (that I have kept my hands off for days) looked visibly puffy on the side with all of my lymph nodes and my mom even agreed it did look slightly puffy and different than the other side. I am just spiraling. I have been trying so damn hard but I guess you can’t think your way out of actual lymphoma or something else awful. I am just a wreck and feel like I need to call my doctor and go through another battery of testing. When someone without HA can acknowledge something looks different, that’s like the nail in the coffin for me. I feel doomed and that I will never see my kids grow up.

Fishmanpa

21-01-21, 13:06

NotDeadYet

21-01-21, 15:15

When someone without HA can acknowledge something looks different, that’s like the nail in the coffin for me. I feel doomed and that I will never see my kids grow up.

Worrywart84,

Dang spiral! Its OK though because this is a process.

When you inevitably checked your neck after seeing it and hearing your mom's statement, what was the result? Had the nodes changed? Had they grown? Have you all of a sudden begun having other symptoms?

Best Wishes

Worrywart84

21-01-21, 15:27

I felt all 5 of that side and I’m worried two feel bigger but can’t tell for sure. One used to feel like a pea and now feels like it may be slightly bigger and then one that was ultrasounded at 1.7 cm felt bigger too so I got out measuring tape and tried to measure it and of course that’s, not super easy or accurate but it was coming in at just under 2 using this method.

The most terrifying thing is I took pictures of my neck when craned/tilted and they are all literally bulging out and I can identify and count them easily in the photo. When my neck is upright and I photograph, they disappear in the photo, and to others apparently, but I still feel like I can see them. And the puffy spot is still there even when upright.

I feel like this can’t possibly be normal.

NotDeadYet

21-01-21, 16:37

So let's ground you in some reality as you are spiraling.

Trace yourself back to the trigger of this spiral. It was a visual observation by you and your mom. From what you have said:

I’m worried two feel bigger but can’t tell for sure.

One used to feel like a pea and now feels like it may be slightly bigger.

Then one that was ultrasounded at 1.7 cm felt bigger too so I got out measuring tape and tried to measure it and of course that’s, not super easy or accurate but it was coming in at just under 2 using this method.

It appears that nothing has really changed and that your HA brain is taking control. Look at the words you use: "can't tell for sure", "slightly bigger", "coming in at just under 2" (when the original measurement was 1.7 which is literally "just under 2"). The reality is that you were triggered by words and you allowed those words to run wild.

Remember that you said this just yesterday:

It literally can’t grow in a matter of hours or even days so don’t waste your time.

You're strong and can rationalize what's happening: you were triggered and you allowed it to get out of control. You can bring it back under control.

Best Wishes

Worrywart84

22-01-21, 20:44

Thank you for your continued support. I had such a bad night/day yesterday. I had spiraled so hard there was no turning back so I ended up calling my doctor and was able to get in for an appointment that afternoon.

I showed her my neck and we walked through all the “new” nodes and she felt each one I pointed out. Then I tilted my head and was like “See how much they pop out!” And she’s like, “Yes I can see them but none of this looks or feels concerning to me.” And I legit was like dumbfounded—once again I craned my neck and was like, “All of this poking out lumpiness is not a concern?” And she was like, “Nope.”

So then I mentioned my other “symptoms” such as sweating at night and she said, as several people have said here, they have to be drenching to “count.”

So then she said, “Would it give you peace of mind to have another ultrasound and/or blood work?”

And then I went into my worry that it is so anxiety inducing to have to go to those appointments during Covid, how it is even more anxiety inducing to wait for results, and then most importantly, how if anything was remotely not perfect or questionable, I would spiral even deeper. For example, if a measurement changed from 1.7 to 1.8 or some blood work was a point out of range, these things would haunt me. I explained I am already haunted by the language in the last ultrasound (which, according to her is definitive for there being nothing wrong but to be seems more wishy washy.)

So anyway, this conversation ended by her saying, “Well if it won’t bring you peace of mind, then let’s not do it.” And I needed her to clarify for my stupid brain several times that the only reason these were being offered was for ME and not because she THOUGHT IT WAS NECESSARY.

So what did come out of the appointment was a referral to a therapist for CBT.

I feel...still worried of course which is no surprise because that’s what we do, right? I have even questioned myself several times already saying I should have done another ultrasound and blood work and I blew it by refusing. I also felt more sweaty last night on my legs than usual so I’ve been questioning whether or not I should have been more vocal about how sweating is not normal for me.

Anyway, I am restarting my “only check once in the morning” plan as I await my referral appointment.

NotDeadYet

22-01-21, 21:44

So what did come out of the appointment was a referral to a therapist for CBT.

Excellent! You have the all clear from a medically trained professional. Now you can begin working another professional who will give you the tools you need fight this head on!

Best Wishes

Worrywart84

24-01-21, 15:56

I’ve been doing ok since last seeing my doctor of not touching any lymph nodes and only looking at them in the mornings, but I am struggling at night time with sweating.

I am now waking up multiple times through the night with the backs of my knees sweaty enough to wipe off and the front of my underwear damp (I’m sleeping on my side/stomach, kind of scrunched up). I have a blanket on my legs only and so the top half of me is totally dry but the bottom half is sweaty which is not my normal.

I wake up panicking and checking my whole body and bedsheets for signs of drenching sweat and literally have to convince myself “this isn’t clinically a night sweat” so I can go back to bed. But I’m starting to wonder if it is and if all night sweats have to be truly full body drenching to count. Like if I pulled my blanket up maybe I would be sweating everywhere. I am worried I downplayed it too much when I mentioned it to the doctor and should have stressed that I have never sweat at night ever (I’m usually freezing cold and always covered) and that it did make my clothing slightly damp.

I’m just feeling like my body is trying to tell me something with these lymph nodes and sweats and no one is listening and that’s such a terrifying thought to carry throughout the day.

NotDeadYet

24-01-21, 17:01

Hello Again!

Let's work through your post and use your own words to challenge your thinking.

backs of my knees sweaty enough to wipe off and the front of my underwear damp (I’m sleeping on my side/stomach, kind of scrunched up). I have a blanket on my legs only and so the top half of me is totally dry but the bottom half is sweaty which is not my normal.

“this isn’t clinically a night sweat”

Your doctor defined for you what a night sweat is. This is a clinical finding that has been researched and studied for decades. The definition doesn't change. Your description does not meet the clinical definition. Keep challenging your thinking with the quote you recite to yourself because the quote IS true!

Like if I pulled my blanket up maybe I would be sweating everywhere.

This quote here is the most logical quote if you look at it in a different way. If you pulled up your blankets to your whole body and then had the same sweating experience, the sweat would be due to the blankets and not to something physiological. Clinical night sweats are not due to heat. They are due to a physiological reaction in your body. This also confirms that if the top half of your body is not sweating because it is uncovered, then you aren't experiencing clinical night sweats.

I’m just feeling like my body is trying to tell me something with these lymph nodes and sweats and no one is listening and that’s such a terrifying thought to carry throughout the day.

Nope! It's not your body trying to tell you something, it's your brain hijaking you. Also, you spent a good deal of time with your doctor and asked multiple times for confirmation that there was nothing to worry about and she confirmed. She is clearly listening to you.

Keep challenging and stop questioning your all clear diagnosis. You've got this!

Best Wishes