View Full Version : Main bread winner, now unemployed, career ruined, depressed and near giving up
I wasn't sure whether to post this under my 'Various Health Fears' thread in the Health anxiety section, but this is just a generic depressed, fed up with life vent. Sorry, this is long, but I just need to get this off my chest.
I've spent the last 6 years being the main bread winner for my family, as my partner decided to be a stay at home mum. It wasnt really worth her going back to work as whatever she earnt would have gone on childcare. We've had child benefit and also child tax credits, but the credits have slowly decreased over the years while my wage hasn't changed that much at all.
Life has been tough, and for the past few years I'be really struggled with the responsibility of being the main bread winner. Two years ago I left a job to work for my brother and his partners' business. Probably the worst decision in my life. My previous job was comfortable and I was good at what I did, it was a 60million a year turnover business, and I was the head graphic designer and digital marketer on charge of 5 brands under the main company. My brothers' business was a small start up in hospitality, so it was always a risky move - I was doing the same line of work. Unfortunately I suffered a sort of breakdown 6 months into my job, centred around HA - as has been documented on here, but also due to a complete lack of challenging workload, and also the personal worries I had about working for a new company. I was apparently the highest paid member of staff in the business, even more than my brother and partner, and I hated that.
2 months after my breakdown, my brother and his partner decided that I wasn't performing well enough, which was fair enough - I was still recovering. They decided to change my job to a manual worker, however they also gave me a 6k pay cut. I didn't agree to this, they just did it. They also insisted that I had to travel to work each day, an hours' drive, whereas the agreement when I started that I was going to work 2 days from home. I did 6 months of this with blending in my previous role, struggling even more financially with lower pay. However after reinstating my proper job title and pay, they still insisted on me travelling to work and used to always change my hours - I agreed to work 8-4, this then turned into 8-5, then finally 8-6 some days. I was hardly seeing my children in the weekdays.
Things were difficult up until covid. We were having regular arguments about work, and I could feel myself being phased out. My sister in law's cousin and brother came to work, and they more or less handed some of my tasks to them.
Lockdown came, and they completely shut me off. I was in charge of the online shop, but my sister in law's cousin and brother took that over (not agreed with me). Then in July, to my surprise they made me redundant. I was the only family member/close friend type of employee to lose my job. All my sister in law's family kept their jobs, as well as her best friend and her brothers best friend. They have since outsourced all my jobs and tasks to third party businesses - web company / marketing company etc. So the whole bu**shit that they didn't need a design/marketing person was just a lie, and they only made me redundant for personal reasons.It really, really upset me.
Needles to say I became very bitter and shut them off for months - I haven't spoken that much to my brother since then tbh, and I have no plans to speak to my sister in law who I feel was behind it all.
So I felt stressed and depressed for a few months, sending out my CV, applied for over 20 jobs, until I was approached by the local authority media team, who interviewed me a few years ago, asking if I wanted to work on a contractual basis. I agreed as the pay was great and I needed money. I worked there until just before xmas and absolutely loved it. They let me go as there wasnt a budget for a contracted designer, but they had plans to advertise for an employed position. They've now advertised a senior role, of which I'm sure the internal designers will go for. So if one of them get it, a job will open up that I could apply for. But if the senior job goes to an external candidate, there's nothing for me. Of course I'll apply for the Senior role anyway, I was shortlisted down to the last 5 when this job was advertised 4 years ago.
But right now, I'm unemployed again, stressed and depressed. I've still got a mixture of bitter feelings towards my brother and sister in law which I can't shift. I still hate what they did to me. I've applied for 3 jobs since the new year - very basic jobs within the local authority, and got nothing. I just feel absolutely hopeless. Three years ago I was in such a great position, and threw it all away to work for a family business filled with nepotism and bitchiness. I was supposed to be the main bread winner for my family and I messed it all up. I feel like I've completely finished my career as jobs in this line of work (design/marketing) are hard to come by in this part of world.
I appreciate anyone who reads and responds to this, I know it's long winded, but I don't have many people to talk to about this anymore. Thanks
Thinking of you. Feel free to DM me any time you like, okay?
Thinking of you. Feel free to DM me any time you like, okay?
Hiya, many thanks, I might do that. I just don't like to pester people because I know everyone's got their own problems, but it's been a bit overwhelming past few days.
Okay, this right here is me telling you you won't be pestering me, got it? Things are going pretty well for me right now, my shoulders are broad enough.
But right now, I'm unemployed again, stressed and depressed. I've still got a mixture of bitter feelings towards my brother and sister in law which I can't shift. I still hate what they did to me. I've applied for 3 jobs since the new year - very basic jobs within the local authority, and got nothing. I just feel absolutely hopeless. Three years ago I was in such a great position, and threw it all away to work for a family business filled with nepotism and bitchiness. I was supposed to be the main bread winner for my family and I messed it all up. I feel like I've completely finished my career as jobs in this line of work (design/marketing) are hard to come by in this part of world.
Sorry life has kicked you in the nads Mr Lurcher - this is a tough blow to be sure.
Same as Blue - DM me if you want to.
I appreciate anyone who reads and responds to this, I know it's long winded, but I don't have many people to talk to about this anymore. Thanks[/QUOTE]
I wasn't sure whether to post this under my 'Various Health Fears' thread in the Health anxiety section, but this is just a generic depressed, fed up with life vent. Sorry, this is long, but I just need to get this off my chest.
I've spent the last 6 years being the main bread winner for my family, as my partner decided to be a stay at home mum. It wasnt really worth her going back to work as whatever she earnt would have gone on childcare. We've had child benefit and also child tax credits, but the credits have slowly decreased over the years while my wage hasn't changed that much at all.
Life has been tough, and for the past few years I'be really struggled with the responsibility of being the main bread winner. Two years ago I left a job to work for my brother and his partners' business. Probably the worst decision in my life. My previous job was comfortable and I was good at what I did, it was a 60million a year turnover business, and I was the head graphic designer and digital marketer on charge of 5 brands under the main company. My brothers' business was a small start up in hospitality, so it was always a risky move - I was doing the same line of work. Unfortunately I suffered a sort of breakdown 6 months into my job, centred around HA - as has been documented on here, but also due to a complete lack of challenging workload, and also the personal worries I had about working for a new company. I was apparently the highest paid member of staff in the business, even more than my brother and partner, and I hated that.
2 months after my breakdown, my brother and his partner decided that I wasn't performing well enough, which was fair enough - I was still recovering. They decided to change my job to a manual worker, however they also gave me a 6k pay cut. I didn't agree to this, they just did it. They also insisted that I had to travel to work each day, an hours' drive, whereas the agreement when I started that I was going to work 2 days from home. I did 6 months of this with blending in my previous role, struggling even more financially with lower pay. However after reinstating my proper job title and pay, they still insisted on me travelling to work and used to always change my hours - I agreed to work 8-4, this then turned into 8-5, then finally 8-6 some days. I was hardly seeing my children in the weekdays.
Things were difficult up until covid. We were having regular arguments about work, and I could feel myself being phased out. My sister in law's cousin and brother came to work, and they more or less handed some of my tasks to them.
Lockdown came, and they completely shut me off. I was in charge of the online shop, but my sister in law's cousin and brother took that over (not agreed with me). Then in July, to my surprise they made me redundant. I was the only family member/close friend type of employee to lose my job. All my sister in law's family kept their jobs, as well as her best friend and her brothers best friend. They have since outsourced all my jobs and tasks to third party businesses - web company / marketing company etc. So the whole bu**shit that they didn't need a design/marketing person was just a lie, and they only made me redundant for personal reasons.It really, really upset me.
Needles to say I became very bitter and shut them off for months - I haven't spoken that much to my brother since then tbh, and I have no plans to speak to my sister in law who I feel was behind it all.
So I felt stressed and depressed for a few months, sending out my CV, applied for over 20 jobs, until I was approached by the local authority media team, who interviewed me a few years ago, asking if I wanted to work on a contractual basis. I agreed as the pay was great and I needed money. I worked there until just before xmas and absolutely loved it. They let me go as there wasnt a budget for a contracted designer, but they had plans to advertise for an employed position. They've now advertised a senior role, of which I'm sure the internal designers will go for. So if one of them get it, a job will open up that I could apply for. But if the senior job goes to an external candidate, there's nothing for me. Of course I'll apply for the Senior role anyway, I was shortlisted down to the last 5 when this job was advertised 4 years ago.
But right now, I'm unemployed again, stressed and depressed. I've still got a mixture of bitter feelings towards my brother and sister in law which I can't shift. I still hate what they did to me. I've applied for 3 jobs since the new year - very basic jobs within the local authority, and got nothing. I just feel absolutely hopeless. Three years ago I was in such a great position, and threw it all away to work for a family business filled with nepotism and bitchiness. I was supposed to be the main bread winner for my family and I messed it all up. I feel like I've completely finished my career as jobs in this line of work (design/marketing) are hard to come by in this part of world.
I appreciate anyone who reads and responds to this, I know it's long winded, but I don't have many people to talk to about this anymore. Thanks
Hi Mr.Lurcher no you haven’t messed it all up you just did what you thought was right at the time, its all any of us can do really. You’re partner & children love you & i’m sure appreciate all that you do for them. Its such a hard time with securing a new job at the moment but i’m sure you will get something eventually. Your brother & sister in law treated you badly & you can’t change that but you can change how you react to it, don’t let them bring you down & try not to dwell on it, onwards & upwards as hard as that may be. Could you do anything on a self employed basis, would you be able to offer your services online even if its something different to what you have been doing. I really wish you well & vent as much as you need to we’re all here to listen & offer support. Take care.
Captain irrational
12-01-21, 21:03
I wasn't sure whether to post this under my 'Various Health Fears' thread in the Health anxiety section, but this is just a generic depressed, fed up with life vent. Sorry, this is long, but I just need to get this off my chest.
I've spent the last 6 years being the main bread winner for my family, as my partner decided to be a stay at home mum. It wasnt really worth her going back to work as whatever she earnt would have gone on childcare. We've had child benefit and also child tax credits, but the credits have slowly decreased over the years while my wage hasn't changed that much at all.
Life has been tough, and for the past few years I'be really struggled with the responsibility of being the main bread winner. Two years ago I left a job to work for my brother and his partners' business. Probably the worst decision in my life. My previous job was comfortable and I was good at what I did, it was a 60million a year turnover business, and I was the head graphic designer and digital marketer on charge of 5 brands under the main company. My brothers' business was a small start up in hospitality, so it was always a risky move - I was doing the same line of work. Unfortunately I suffered a sort of breakdown 6 months into my job, centred around HA - as has been documented on here, but also due to a complete lack of challenging workload, and also the personal worries I had about working for a new company. I was apparently the highest paid member of staff in the business, even more than my brother and partner, and I hated that.
2 months after my breakdown, my brother and his partner decided that I wasn't performing well enough, which was fair enough - I was still recovering. They decided to change my job to a manual worker, however they also gave me a 6k pay cut. I didn't agree to this, they just did it. They also insisted that I had to travel to work each day, an hours' drive, whereas the agreement when I started that I was going to work 2 days from home. I did 6 months of this with blending in my previous role, struggling even more financially with lower pay. However after reinstating my proper job title and pay, they still insisted on me travelling to work and used to always change my hours - I agreed to work 8-4, this then turned into 8-5, then finally 8-6 some days. I was hardly seeing my children in the weekdays.
Things were difficult up until covid. We were having regular arguments about work, and I could feel myself being phased out. My sister in law's cousin and brother came to work, and they more or less handed some of my tasks to them.
Lockdown came, and they completely shut me off. I was in charge of the online shop, but my sister in law's cousin and brother took that over (not agreed with me). Then in July, to my surprise they made me redundant. I was the only family member/close friend type of employee to lose my job. All my sister in law's family kept their jobs, as well as her best friend and her brothers best friend. They have since outsourced all my jobs and tasks to third party businesses - web company / marketing company etc. So the whole bu**shit that they didn't need a design/marketing person was just a lie, and they only made me redundant for personal reasons.It really, really upset me.
Needles to say I became very bitter and shut them off for months - I haven't spoken that much to my brother since then tbh, and I have no plans to speak to my sister in law who I feel was behind it all.
So I felt stressed and depressed for a few months, sending out my CV, applied for over 20 jobs, until I was approached by the local authority media team, who interviewed me a few years ago, asking if I wanted to work on a contractual basis. I agreed as the pay was great and I needed money. I worked there until just before xmas and absolutely loved it. They let me go as there wasnt a budget for a contracted designer, but they had plans to advertise for an employed position. They've now advertised a senior role, of which I'm sure the internal designers will go for. So if one of them get it, a job will open up that I could apply for. But if the senior job goes to an external candidate, there's nothing for me. Of course I'll apply for the Senior role anyway, I was shortlisted down to the last 5 when this job was advertised 4 years ago.
But right now, I'm unemployed again, stressed and depressed. I've still got a mixture of bitter feelings towards my brother and sister in law which I can't shift. I still hate what they did to me. I've applied for 3 jobs since the new year - very basic jobs within the local authority, and got nothing. I just feel absolutely hopeless. Three years ago I was in such a great position, and threw it all away to work for a family business filled with nepotism and bitchiness. I was supposed to be the main bread winner for my family and I messed it all up. I feel like I've completely finished my career as jobs in this line of work (design/marketing) are hard to come by in this part of world.
I appreciate anyone who reads and responds to this, I know it's long winded, but I don't have many people to talk to about this anymore. Thanks
No need to think like that, this is the internet age, design and marketing can be done from anywhere on the planet. Have you considered working freelance? You obviously have the skill and experience, it would be well worth putting together a portfolio of your previous work and avertising your services on a freelancing website like Fiver or Upwork. At the very least a few commissions might help tide you over until you find more regular work.
No need to think like that, this is the internet age, design and marketing can be done from anywhere on the planet. Have you considered working freelance? You obviously have the skill and experience, it would be well worth putting together a portfolio of your previous work and avertising your services on a freelancing website like Fiver or Upwork. At the very least a few commissions might help tide you over until you find more regular work.
Also economic crises don't last forever, things always pick back up again eventually.
I'm so sorry you feel so low, Mr L. I'd just like to say that you are worth so much more than a job. You may consider yourself the breadwinner but you obviously have an impressive skills set which could be adapted to the current circumstances. Don't let yourself be dragged down by job loss-you have a partner and young family who love you for who you are , not for how much you earn. Money coming in is important of course..but your mental health is paramount in all this and you need to stay focused on getting another job which suits you.
So sorry to hear this Mr L. You must be feeling very hurt and betrayed. But you will get through this. Thinking of you x
Sorry that things are tough Mr L.
I know how hard it can be stuck at home without work, and how it plays on your mind.
None of this is your fault though, but even if it was - there’s no point torturing yourself about it.
Have you updated your CV? I read lots of websites about CVS, cover letters and interviews when I was last struggling to find work. I think they really helped me, especially the interview techniques.
With regards to your brother - what they did is really crappy. But stop letting it eat at you, it won’t help your mood or self esteem. If you want to have a relationship with your brother then now is probably a good time to start it up again.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
To be honest, I'm not fussed with building a relationship with him anymore. They were quite unsympathetic when I was mentally unwell, and they've been quite callous about how they've gone about things since I was made redundant. They're even thinking of expanding their business, which is even more of a kick in the teeth for me!
I've sent my CV out to lots of design agencies and places that have in-house marketing departments, and I've applied to over a dozen jobs the past week so we'll see what happens.
To be honest, I'm not fussed with building a relationship with him anymore. They were quite unsympathetic when I was mentally unwell, and they've been quite callous about how they've gone about things since I was made redundant. They're even thinking of expanding their business, which is even more of a kick in the teeth for me!
I've sent my CV out to lots of design agencies and places that have in-house marketing departments, and I've applied to over a dozen jobs the past week so we'll see what happens.
I know how you feel Mr Lurcher, get this....... My brother was down on his knees for many, many years. I helped him financially and mentally for many years and in 2000 after I had got him a job in a certain industry he decided to start his own business within that industry.
I then helped him start that up and I rekon it cost me around fifty to seventy grand, plus I gave him a rent free office, he paid NO business rates, paid his phone bills, accountancy bills, paid for private healthcare for him and me and my staff answered phone calls when he was out and about.
I did that for ten years with him having no office bills etc and the fifty to seventy grand. He met his nasty, poison Dwarf wife during this period and towards the end of this period and things were being said like "matt does nothing to help us" etc, but I ignored it but WTF! Eh?!
Anyway about a year after my brother had moved his business out of my premises and all the support, my business started to struggle, so I decided to pack it in and my brother gave me a job. It was just what I needed, it was minimum wage, but it got me out and about, but he gave me all the crap jobs and buy now i had lost everything and he was driving round in new vehicles etc and I had lost everything. Looking back now, if it was me and he had done everything for me that I'd done for him I'd of looked after him, but no and all the "matt does nothing for us" etc started again from his poison Dwarf wife, but now it had started to come out of my brothers mouth too, so I told him it had to stop, that was all and the next day I got a sh*ty letter and he sacked me!!!
He left me with nothing and when he sacked me my son was three and a half!!! And now he had everything!!
My brother was my best mate, we did everything together and he did that to me!! He is comfortable now and wouldn't have that if if wasn't for me! We don't even get a thanks for his kids birthday and Christmas presents, yet we say thanks everytime for the presents he gives my son and all I get from my mum is "are you going to make it up with your brother"! No chance! I've only spoken to him a couple of times in seven years now and all I want to do is punch him in the face! Ignorant tosspot!
I know how you feel Mr Lurcher, get this....... My brother was down on his knees for many, many years. I helped him financially and mentally for many years and in 2000 after I had got him a job in a certain industry he decided to start his own business within that industry.
I then helped him start that up and I rekon it cost me around fifty to seventy grand, plus I gave him a rent free office, he paid NO business rates, paid his phone bills, accountancy bills, paid for private healthcare for him and me and my staff answered phone calls when he was out and about.
I did that for ten years with him having no office bills etc and the fifty to seventy grand. He met his nasty, poison Dwarf wife during this period and towards the end of this period and things were being said like "matt does nothing to help us" etc, but I ignored it but WTF! Eh?!
Anyway about a year after my brother had moved his business out of my premises and all the support, my business started to struggle, so I decided to pack it in and my brother gave me a job. It was just what I needed, it was minimum wage, but it got me out and about, but he gave me all the crap jobs and buy now i had lost everything and he was driving round in new vehicles etc and I had lost everything. Looking back now, if it was me and he had done everything for me that I'd done for him I'd of looked after him, but no and all the "matt does nothing for us" etc started again from his poison Dwarf wife, but now it had started to come out of my brothers mouth too, so I told him it had to stop, that was all and the next day I got a sh*ty letter and he sacked me!!!
He left me with nothing and when he sacked me my son was three and a half!!! And now he had everything!!
My brother was my best mate, we did everything together and he did that to me!! He is comfortable now and wouldn't have that if if wasn't for me! We don't even get a thanks for his kids birthday and Christmas presents, yet we say thanks everytime for the presents he gives my son and all I get from my mum is "are you going to make it up with your brother"! No chance! I've only spoken to him a couple of times in seven years now and all I want to do is punch him in the face! Ignorant tosspot!
Sorry had to get that off my chest! But like you my mental health was also used against me!
I know how you feel Mr Lurcher, get this....... My brother was down on his knees for many, many years. I helped him financially and mentally for many years and in 2000 after I had got him a job in a certain industry he decided to start his own business within that industry.
I then helped him start that up and I rekon it cost me around fifty to seventy grand, plus I gave him a rent free office, he paid NO business rates, paid his phone bills, accountancy bills, paid for private healthcare for him and me and my staff answered phone calls when he was out and about.
I did that for ten years with him having no office bills etc and the fifty to seventy grand. He met his nasty, poison Dwarf wife during this period and towards the end of this period and things were being said like "matt does nothing to help us" etc, but I ignored it but WTF! Eh?!
Anyway about a year after my brother had moved his business out of my premises and all the support, my business started to struggle, so I decided to pack it in and my brother gave me a job. It was just what I needed, it was minimum wage, but it got me out and about, but he gave me all the crap jobs and buy now i had lost everything and he was driving round in new vehicles etc and I had lost everything. Looking back now, if it was me and he had done everything for me that I'd done for him I'd of looked after him, but no and all the "matt does nothing for us" etc started again from his poison Dwarf wife, but now it had started to come out of my brothers mouth too, so I told him it had to stop, that was all and the next day I got a sh*ty letter and he sacked me!!!
He left me with nothing and when he sacked me my son was three and a half!!! And now he had everything!!
My brother was my best mate, we did everything together and he did that to me!! He is comfortable now and wouldn't have that if if wasn't for me! We don't even get a thanks for his kids birthday and Christmas presents, yet we say thanks everytime for the presents he gives my son and all I get from my mum is "are you going to make it up with your brother"! No chance! I've only spoken to him a couple of times in seven years now and all I want to do is punch him in the face! Ignorant tosspot!
Thanks for the reply Matt. That's absolutely awful - and I have to admit, much worse than what I've gone through. How are you doing now, mentally and financially?
Had to laugh at the 'poison dwarf' label, that's one of my dads' favourite phrases for wives of friends he doesn't like!
Tbh, I could have performed better during my last year with the business, but their treatment of me made me so unmotivated. They blamed me for everything that went wrong, probably because I was an easy target. One of the last examples which really messed me over, was where myself, brother, sister in law, sister in law's brother and cousin were working on launching a product. My sister in law's brother was leading on the project. I had to get in quotes for the packaging, and design it. I presented everything in a meeting, and gave all the documents to my sister in law's brother, but nothing was done about it for the next 3 weeks. The launch date was just around the corner, and then I was cornered in another meeting about why things had not been ordered and now the launch date will be missed. Despite me defending that I had done my bit on the project, the blame was all laid on me. This happened 2/3 times over the course of 3/4 months.
Then there were the hours. I was initially allowed to work 2 days from home due to the commute, but they refused to let me do that after my breakdown (again, getting punished for having a mental health issue). My hours were slowly getting stretched all the time as well, with constant half jokey/serious comments from my brother like 'you're leaving already?!'.
I was ready to patch things up after redundancy, but the fact they then outsourced all my jobs to third parties while also keeping all other friends and family staff members employed really upset me. I got wind of the outsourcing before my redundancy package was finalised, so I actually threatened them with a tribunal for constructive dismissal. Of course, I was rang up shortly after with my brother saying my sister in law was in tears about the whole thing, and she never wanted things to go like this. What was she expecting then?!
The last time I spoke to my brother about this was in October, where it all blew up again. I told them I was still hurt, and all they could say back was 'they're still upset about my lack of interest in the job while I was employed - but they had forgiven me'. Oh, so now I was 'forgiven' for suffering from a mental health issue?! I held my hand up and admitted there were things I could have done better, but they never admitted to their wrongdoings.
Boy it really sounds like you know your stuff in your chosen vocation. You're obviously not lazy. Of course it's difficult not to get down but you've got to punch on through. Not many on these boards haven't been where you are to one degree or another, myself included. What choice do you have? You gotta keep slugging. Persistence and perseverance is what's going to win the day for you in the end. Talking it out here is definitely good. And this covid thing will be behind us soon. Opportunities will present themselves. Hang in there friend.
N.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.