View Full Version : back after many years
Hey everyone, am back after years of me not being here since 2013 it's now 2021, and am still married to my partner Andrew and I now have one cat called ninja, a lot has gone on since the last time I was here am now non -binary, I still have mental health issues and at the moment am really anxious over what has been going on with covid and the violence in the USA, that is the reason why I came back here, I had a very bad panic attack yesterday so much so I ended up being physically sick and so scared my OCD and mental health is really bad and am finding it hard to cope with it oh and av changed my name to Alex legally
Hey everyone, am back after years of me not being here since 2013 it's now 2021, and am still married to my partner Andrew and I now have one cat called ninja, a lot has gone on since the last time I was here am now non -binary, I still have mental health issues and at the moment am really anxious over what has been going on with covid and the violence in the USA, that is the reason why I came back here, I had a very bad panic attack yesterday so much so I ended up being physically sick and so scared my OCD and mental health is really bad and am finding it hard to cope with it oh and av changed my name to Alex legally
Are you autistic? Reason I ask is that there is a connection between gender identity and autism (I'm autistic btw)
I'd say welcome back only it's not appropriate because it usually means you're struggling if you're back on here. However, 2013- 2021 is a good stretch, so well done!
venusbluejeans
13-01-21, 08:18
Hiya Asphyxia and welcome to NMP :welcome:
Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and
are a great starting place for your time on the forum.
I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and
support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:
thank you for welcoming me back. I was dx with OCD, borderline personality disorder, and PTSD I hear voices and see things too, things are really hard at the moment the reason I came back was what's been going on with covid and the USA stuff, this morning I woke up with pain in my stomach, I am also taking testosterone to make me look more male-like am not fully male as I still wear makeup but its how I express myself.ASD ( i don't say Aspergers because the dr who discovered it was a nazi who killed children for fun ) unsure if I have it or not.
thank you for welcoming me back. I was dx with OCD, borderline personality disorder, and PTSD I hear voices and see things too, things are really hard at the moment the reason I came back was what's been going on with covid and the USA stuff, this morning I woke up with pain in my stomach, I am also taking testosterone to make me look more male-like am not fully male as I still wear makeup but its how I express myself.ASD ( i don't say Aspergers because the dr who discovered it was a nazi who killed children for fun ) unsure if I have it or not.
Could the testosterone be causing the tummy pain do you think?
Kudos to you for expressing yourself how you want to be. I'm not 100% either way (male or female) I definitely swing between the two (gender fluidity?) but I do identify as female but with a pathological hatred of anybody who calls me 'babe'. I struggled as a child and early teen because I resented the fact I was female. I wanted to be a boy. Puberty was a mare, and it was early - which didn't help. But I settled into this 'fluidity' where I wasn't fully one thing or the other, and I didn't realise it had a name until I was diagnosed autistic and started 'talking' to other autistics, then I didn't feel such a massive weirdo anymore. YAY!
I have used a more gender neutral version of my middle name during my masculine phases (which last for years at a time) and I literally HATE my given first name as it's as girly as it gets! Says a lot about me that the woman in my avatar is decidedly unfeminine lol. Then again, even when I'm in my feminine phases, I'm not 'girly'. I don't know how to be? 'Girly' girls are a bit alien to me? :huh: I'm more Kathy Burke - she's the kind of female I identify with..
I keep thinking I will go back to using that other name. I might just send a blanket text: 'This (not this, obvs) is my name from now on. Cheers.' :yesyes:
I also have OCD (checking, fire, and batshit thoughts) and I speak to dead people everyday - so you're in good company.
Funny you should mention males and make-up because I've always had a thing for blokes who wear make-up - Robert Smith for one. It does it for me and I still maintain that Nick Rhodes looked prettier than any girl when he'd been at the Rimmel in the 80s! I wore make-up during my more male phases - along with ripped jeans, studded belts, trainers and vest tops which showed off the biceps. My sons called it 'the gun show'. :shades: I've worn make up since I was 12, but it's always been more of a mask in the truer sense of the word, than about looks - if that makes sense?
Anyway, I'm rambling and oversharing, as per. I'm good at that, as you will find out if you stick around.
as far as I know, I don't think it the testosterone because av been on it for about 4 months now, and i haven't had pain like this before if it was it would have given me pain before now. my gender is giving me a lot of anxiety as well, i am worried about being attacked in the street the guy that lives above us is violent he has smashed up windows, etc am very scared of him, am only 4 foot 11 i can't really defend myself i worried that something will happen and i lose my partner, there is a big part of me that is still female and female like yet someway I wish to look male, am always worried about things 24/ 7 am a mess ...tomorrow I have the dentist so I have to go to bed now... I just want to hide really
as far as I know, I don't think it the testosterone because av been on it for about 4 months now, and i haven't had pain like this before if it was it would have given me pain before now. my gender is giving me a lot of anxiety as well, i am worried about being attacked in the street the guy that lives above us is violent he has smashed up windows, etc am very scared of him, am only 4 foot 11 i can't really defend myself i worried that something will happen and i lose my partner, there is a big part of me that is still female and female like yet someway I wish to look male, am always worried about things 24/ 7 am a mess ...tomorrow I have the dentist so I have to go to bed now... I just want to hide really
In that case, anxiety seems the most likely culprit for the tummy pain given the stress you are under..
Sounds to me like you would benefit from some counselling re your gender issues?
My friend (online) sounds a lot like you - re gender. She wants to look male - binds her boobs up etc - but is happily married to a man, and they have 4 autistic kids and to be fair to the husband - he's totally cool with it all.
RE violent bloke: have you called the police? You shouldn't be made to feel unsafe - maybe they can have a word with him?
This is a very challenging time you're going through A, so try not to be too hard on yourself.
One thing: re the personality disorder - did you know that many people (mostly females) are misdiagnosed with PD's when they are actually autistic? My autistic radar is twitching with you but I could be wrong. One to set aside to think about maybe when you've sorted the other stuff out? I don't thin it's helpful to get hung up on a load of labels but I find it helpful to know exactly what's what so that I can better understand myself, you know?
Hope all goes well at the dentist..
I need to talk to my psych about it I have an appointment with her in a few weeks but it's over the phone due to covid I have been thinking, I can't stand loudness but am ok with music being very loud as I have my music full volume I get upset if their lots of people and I am very socially awkward
Considering this diagnosis with your psych could be really helpful for you, Asphyxia? It's your decision though.
I can't stand loudness but am ok with music being very loud as I have my music full volume
This is me exactly. I think I've mentioned it before on here that the anomaly with me is that I have a sensory disorder with most things inc noise - but my music has to be loud, and I do mean loud. Yet, walking down the main road (without headphones on) is excruciatingly loud and voices are too loud etc - from what you've written, I think you will understand that?
I get upset if their lots of people and I am very socially awkward
Same here. I'm better online because the written word is how I communicate best - also, I can't see a person or people.
Alcohol historically helped me with these issues, as did smoking and 'masking' but anxiety got the better of me in the end and mental breakdown stripped away the ability to mask, so now I'm me - and people can take me or leave me. Time to be me, and all that...
Not everyone wants the autism label, but I have no issue with it at all, It was an immense relief to know that, after all these years when I couldn't work out what was wrong and why I struggle to do the basics in life - it was because I have a different brain, is all. I don't like the 'disorder' part of ASD because it implies that I'm defective, and I'm perfectly happy when I'm on my own, listening to music, reading etc. I think it should stand for 'difference', not 'disorder'.
So many females have been misdiagnosed with personality disorders when they are actually autistic so this is worth looking into. If you've got to have a 'label' - you need to make sure it's the right one so you can get the right support.
I agree with Nora. BPD does seem to be a common misdiagnosis with autistic females but it depends on your psychiatrist's "speciality" as to what diagnosis you get and often it's best to get a full assessment for autism which can be a lengthy procedure but at least gives you a valid diagnosis and the chance to understand yourself better.
I have had learning problems since I was 10 I was diagnosed with dyslexia ( i use a spell and grammar checker ) but I also think I maybe have dyspraxia, my coordination, and motor skills are really bad and I had problems working in shops or even learn how to do exercise and some words I get mixed up with and can't understand what people are saying to me sometimes unsure if that is a part of ASD i tried to copy exercises to help me lose weight i was unable to do them at all as i got it all mixed up , my partner says not to focus on it but i really feel like am a big failure most of the time and its pissing me off my self esteem is bad most of the time
Processing information can be a significant issue with ASD, also dyspraxia. My autistic son has trouble with fine and gross motor skills but fortunately has no diagnosis of dyslexia.
I think anxiety can make processing information worse but it does make life pretty challenging for both my son and daughter.
My daughter has very poor self esteem and is tormented by social anxiety. She is a wonderfully kind person though and is very loyal and caring. She has supported her brother through a terrible time and I'm very proud of her. She considers herself a "failure" but nothing could be farther from the truth.
I can't see your partner considering you a failure, Asphyxia. He's still there supporting and caring for you-you're not failing him.
I have had learning problems since I was 10 I was diagnosed with dyslexia ( i use a spell and grammar checker ) but I also think I maybe have dyspraxia, my coordination, and motor skills are really bad and I had problems working in shops or even learn how to do exercise and some words I get mixed up with and can't understand what people are saying to me sometimes unsure if that is a part of ASD i tried to copy exercises to help me lose weight i was unable to do them at all as i got it all mixed up , my partner says not to focus on it but i really feel like am a big failure most of the time and its pissing me off my self esteem is bad most of the time
I have coordination issues and Dyscalculia. When I was a child and teenager, I was always knocking stuff over, spilling things, etc. I was late doing laces and I was having to ask teachers to do my school tie long after everybody else could do theirs. I'm still not 100% on left and right - I have to think about it, and I still get it wrong at times.
Dyspraxia/ coordination issues is very common with autism, and if you ever want a laugh I'll do some step aerobics for you because I spent most of my time facing the wrong way and having to 'march it out' on account of not being able to move my arms and my legs at the same time. When we bought Wii Sports, my husband almost did himself an injury laughing at me trying to follow the majorette.:lac:
This feeling of 'failure' is also extremely common with autistics. I used to 'beat myself up' terribly over not being able to do basic stuff but my DX helped me to understand myself more..
There will be areas where you excel, compared to most people. What are your interests?
Aside the dyslexia, you sound a lot like me...
Liverpool18
26-01-21, 20:02
Hi There
I am back on here after many years away too, somehow being on here makes me feel safe and i am amongst family and friends xx
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