Letti1986
22-01-21, 17:50
Hello everyone and Happy New Year,
Now, this is quite long I’m afraid. I can’t write short messages to save my life! Great when having to write essays, not so great when limited to a set number of characters! If you don’t want the full story, please scroll to nearer the bottom of my post to “get to the point” as it were.
My anxiety was pretty under control for the majority of 2020, which I’m quite proud of, all things considered!
However, in July I ended up having to go to the Eye Infirmary at the hospital (on my birthday, that was fun!) because over the course of a few days, my eyes became extremely painful to move either side. I literally had to move my whole head in order to look around, it was so painful. Also, when I did move my eyes to the extreme side (like the doctor who referred me to the eye infirmary made me do,) I had some dark, opaque large spots show up in my vision.
Oddly for me, I wasn’t really worried about it, I just wanted the pain to stop. The eye doctor had a good look, I had a pressure test, my eyes were dilated (amazing!) and I also had an eye ultrasound (not so amazing.) All looked fine as far as he could see, so he prescribed me some steroid eye drops and sent me on my way, with a return appointment by phone in a week. He said if the pain hadn’t gone away, and I was still seeing the dark spots when looking to the side, I’d have to go for more tests, like an mri etc, to see if there was something going on.
I took the eye drops, spoke to him a week later where the pain had started to go away but it still hurt. He made me another appointment by phone for the week after. By that time, the pain had subsided a lot, but I was still seeing the spots. He couldn’t explain why I was seeing them, but I said that I can’t recall ever really looking to the extreme sides (as if trying to see my own ears!) so they may have always been there? I was much more rational back then...
After about a month, the pain had completely cleared up. And I forgot about it all, until September. I’d noticed that my vision was getting a bit blurry with my glasses on (I’m short sighted) but I put that down to needing an up to date eye test, it had been just over 2 years and so I had one and sure enough, my eyes needed a stronger prescription!
Unfortunately when I got my new glasses, I had nothing but issues! I was dizzy when I looked around, looked down, closed my eyes, felt like my depth perception was off and started to get headaches. This was through October. I started to worry that something was amiss... so I made another appointment for an eye test at the beginning of November, felt like a freak when I went, as the assistants (of which there seemed to be like 20!) couldn’t understand why I needed another, and started to make me feel like I was going to be diagnosed with something bad... bet you can guess... yep, a brain tumour.
I saw the same optometrist/optician as before, she tested my eyes, said my left eye had changed a bit (from -2.25 to -2.50) but couldn’t see anything wrong. I told her why I was worried, and while she wasn’t terribly convincing, she said it all looked fine and I told myself she had no reason to withhold info from me. She told me I could buy some new glasses, but after spending £170 on the recent new pair, I couldn’t afford any! She said the prescription I had would be fine as there wasn’t much difference in it.
On my way I went. Christmas and New Year is always a bad time for my anxiety, despite having my 3 lovely happy kids and wonderful husband around me for a couple of special weeks, I always seem to be worried beyond reach about something. This year it was “I’m convinced I have a brain tumour.” I had all the symptoms (I’d read about them about 8 years ago when I had a brief worry about them, and like an elephant, I don’t forget.) I had nausea, dizziness, headaches - in the morning, at night, but also ones that just came on from nowhere. Luckily, they didn’t seem to last long although there were a lot of them on and off all day, everyday. I also felt like when I was sitting down, I’d sit slightly left of where I wanted to be, I had a high pitch ringing in my ears (one day it would be left, the next right) I couldn’t sleep, I kept seeing flashes in my vision, big flashes in the day and night, and also tiny flashes like a sparkle off a diamond, specifically to the middle left of where I was looking. All in all, I got pretty involved in my symptoms and signs and felt pretty awful.
I stayed away from the doctor, even though my husband kept saying it would make me feel better to go. I didn’t want to though, because that’s what I always do... plus if I’m honest, I thought “this time, I’m right.” and I didn’t want to be told.
Now it’s January, and although I’m still having daily headaches, I’ve reasoned with myself that they’re not that bad, they come on, last about 2-10 mins and fade off to return later. They don’t stop me doing anything. The dizziness has mostly gone, comes back fleetingly but nothing like it was, I don’t feel like I’m going to be sick anymore, so I think my anxiety is finally starting to come down.
I keep telling myself if there was something really wrong, I’d know by now.
But. I’ve noticed all the way through this since about October, that when I’m focused on something close, like reading or squeezing at my blackheads(!), looking at my phone or writing, my vision seems to glitch occasionally. It feels like for one second, it shakes side to side or vibrates really quickly before I can focus again. There’s no knowing when it’s going to happen, which freaks me out. It’s making me worry my eyes are having like mini seizures? I’ve tried to find out if it’s normal, but having asked family members, husband etc, they just frown and say they’ve never noticed. The internet (I know, sorry) only suggests nystagmus, which seems like it lasts longer so I don’t think it’s that (nor do I want it to be that! Sounds scary!) I can’t make it do it myself, it’s completely out of my control. I’m spending more time looking at writing and screens at the minute, due to homeschooling, so I wonder if this is why I’m noticing it more? I should also add, I had a quick eye test in January at a different high street optician to see what prescription they would give me. They were a lot better, and the sales lady gave me the courage to go back to my original optician and demand they fix my current glasses to the prescription they updated me to in November. They were very apologetic and said I should have been offered this at my second appointment. Anyway, my glasses seem a lot better now, I can see great through them. (I tried contact lenses, but they made me feel dizzy and kept making my eyes blur over when I looked around, so I gave up with them!)
And just to finish, I’ve just remembered that another thing I’ve noticed is when typing on my phone, it feels like my thumbs sometimes want to move twice in the same place when I only mean to touch the phone once (if that makes sense!) like it spasms out of control for a tiny second making me press things I didn’t want to. This isn’t my main concern though, incase anyone reading has scrolled to the bottom! My main worry is the paragraph above!
So I guess what I would like to know is, has/does anyone else had/get this?? I’m trying to remain calm and not rush to the doctor (they wouldn’t see me anyway, it’s a small practice and has had 10 cases of covid crop up this last week, so they really are running on skeleton staff!) Surely if there was something untoward going on, it would show itself in less subtle ways? I know some seizures can be small, like staring into space (which I also do but have for ages and thought everyone did!) but if it was something big, bad and scary, it would show up in more obvious big, bad and scary ways?? I just need someone logical to help reassure me, so I can stop the evil little scaremonger in my mind who tells me I’m going to die and my husband is going to meet someone better than me and my kids will love her more than me and I’ll be forgotten. (Therapy has told me I have a reason for this, but it hasn’t helped me quash the fear unfortunately.)
If you got this far, thank you. I really do appreciate it. It’s good to get it all down and out of my head.
Love,
Letti x
Now, this is quite long I’m afraid. I can’t write short messages to save my life! Great when having to write essays, not so great when limited to a set number of characters! If you don’t want the full story, please scroll to nearer the bottom of my post to “get to the point” as it were.
My anxiety was pretty under control for the majority of 2020, which I’m quite proud of, all things considered!
However, in July I ended up having to go to the Eye Infirmary at the hospital (on my birthday, that was fun!) because over the course of a few days, my eyes became extremely painful to move either side. I literally had to move my whole head in order to look around, it was so painful. Also, when I did move my eyes to the extreme side (like the doctor who referred me to the eye infirmary made me do,) I had some dark, opaque large spots show up in my vision.
Oddly for me, I wasn’t really worried about it, I just wanted the pain to stop. The eye doctor had a good look, I had a pressure test, my eyes were dilated (amazing!) and I also had an eye ultrasound (not so amazing.) All looked fine as far as he could see, so he prescribed me some steroid eye drops and sent me on my way, with a return appointment by phone in a week. He said if the pain hadn’t gone away, and I was still seeing the dark spots when looking to the side, I’d have to go for more tests, like an mri etc, to see if there was something going on.
I took the eye drops, spoke to him a week later where the pain had started to go away but it still hurt. He made me another appointment by phone for the week after. By that time, the pain had subsided a lot, but I was still seeing the spots. He couldn’t explain why I was seeing them, but I said that I can’t recall ever really looking to the extreme sides (as if trying to see my own ears!) so they may have always been there? I was much more rational back then...
After about a month, the pain had completely cleared up. And I forgot about it all, until September. I’d noticed that my vision was getting a bit blurry with my glasses on (I’m short sighted) but I put that down to needing an up to date eye test, it had been just over 2 years and so I had one and sure enough, my eyes needed a stronger prescription!
Unfortunately when I got my new glasses, I had nothing but issues! I was dizzy when I looked around, looked down, closed my eyes, felt like my depth perception was off and started to get headaches. This was through October. I started to worry that something was amiss... so I made another appointment for an eye test at the beginning of November, felt like a freak when I went, as the assistants (of which there seemed to be like 20!) couldn’t understand why I needed another, and started to make me feel like I was going to be diagnosed with something bad... bet you can guess... yep, a brain tumour.
I saw the same optometrist/optician as before, she tested my eyes, said my left eye had changed a bit (from -2.25 to -2.50) but couldn’t see anything wrong. I told her why I was worried, and while she wasn’t terribly convincing, she said it all looked fine and I told myself she had no reason to withhold info from me. She told me I could buy some new glasses, but after spending £170 on the recent new pair, I couldn’t afford any! She said the prescription I had would be fine as there wasn’t much difference in it.
On my way I went. Christmas and New Year is always a bad time for my anxiety, despite having my 3 lovely happy kids and wonderful husband around me for a couple of special weeks, I always seem to be worried beyond reach about something. This year it was “I’m convinced I have a brain tumour.” I had all the symptoms (I’d read about them about 8 years ago when I had a brief worry about them, and like an elephant, I don’t forget.) I had nausea, dizziness, headaches - in the morning, at night, but also ones that just came on from nowhere. Luckily, they didn’t seem to last long although there were a lot of them on and off all day, everyday. I also felt like when I was sitting down, I’d sit slightly left of where I wanted to be, I had a high pitch ringing in my ears (one day it would be left, the next right) I couldn’t sleep, I kept seeing flashes in my vision, big flashes in the day and night, and also tiny flashes like a sparkle off a diamond, specifically to the middle left of where I was looking. All in all, I got pretty involved in my symptoms and signs and felt pretty awful.
I stayed away from the doctor, even though my husband kept saying it would make me feel better to go. I didn’t want to though, because that’s what I always do... plus if I’m honest, I thought “this time, I’m right.” and I didn’t want to be told.
Now it’s January, and although I’m still having daily headaches, I’ve reasoned with myself that they’re not that bad, they come on, last about 2-10 mins and fade off to return later. They don’t stop me doing anything. The dizziness has mostly gone, comes back fleetingly but nothing like it was, I don’t feel like I’m going to be sick anymore, so I think my anxiety is finally starting to come down.
I keep telling myself if there was something really wrong, I’d know by now.
But. I’ve noticed all the way through this since about October, that when I’m focused on something close, like reading or squeezing at my blackheads(!), looking at my phone or writing, my vision seems to glitch occasionally. It feels like for one second, it shakes side to side or vibrates really quickly before I can focus again. There’s no knowing when it’s going to happen, which freaks me out. It’s making me worry my eyes are having like mini seizures? I’ve tried to find out if it’s normal, but having asked family members, husband etc, they just frown and say they’ve never noticed. The internet (I know, sorry) only suggests nystagmus, which seems like it lasts longer so I don’t think it’s that (nor do I want it to be that! Sounds scary!) I can’t make it do it myself, it’s completely out of my control. I’m spending more time looking at writing and screens at the minute, due to homeschooling, so I wonder if this is why I’m noticing it more? I should also add, I had a quick eye test in January at a different high street optician to see what prescription they would give me. They were a lot better, and the sales lady gave me the courage to go back to my original optician and demand they fix my current glasses to the prescription they updated me to in November. They were very apologetic and said I should have been offered this at my second appointment. Anyway, my glasses seem a lot better now, I can see great through them. (I tried contact lenses, but they made me feel dizzy and kept making my eyes blur over when I looked around, so I gave up with them!)
And just to finish, I’ve just remembered that another thing I’ve noticed is when typing on my phone, it feels like my thumbs sometimes want to move twice in the same place when I only mean to touch the phone once (if that makes sense!) like it spasms out of control for a tiny second making me press things I didn’t want to. This isn’t my main concern though, incase anyone reading has scrolled to the bottom! My main worry is the paragraph above!
So I guess what I would like to know is, has/does anyone else had/get this?? I’m trying to remain calm and not rush to the doctor (they wouldn’t see me anyway, it’s a small practice and has had 10 cases of covid crop up this last week, so they really are running on skeleton staff!) Surely if there was something untoward going on, it would show itself in less subtle ways? I know some seizures can be small, like staring into space (which I also do but have for ages and thought everyone did!) but if it was something big, bad and scary, it would show up in more obvious big, bad and scary ways?? I just need someone logical to help reassure me, so I can stop the evil little scaremonger in my mind who tells me I’m going to die and my husband is going to meet someone better than me and my kids will love her more than me and I’ll be forgotten. (Therapy has told me I have a reason for this, but it hasn’t helped me quash the fear unfortunately.)
If you got this far, thank you. I really do appreciate it. It’s good to get it all down and out of my head.
Love,
Letti x