View Full Version : Things never seem to get better
Hi all,
I’m struggling with things at the moment.
ive had terrible HA and OCD for many years, but this last year has been so difficult.
My sister was diagnosed with lung cancer at the beginning of the pandemic , and died in October. I didn’t get to see her, and I wasn’t allowed to the funeral (it’s a long stortpy, and I’ve already posted about it previously).. I am still trying to process all of that. Her husband is a complete psychopath, and caused a lot of trouble. Now that my sister has gone, my mum has told me a lot of shocking things, and I will never forgive him for banning me from seeing my sister, or the way he treated my mum and other sisters.
Im trying to take care of my elderly mother, but two weeks ago, she was taken to hospital in an ambulance.. it was really scary, but in the end they diagnosed her with gallstones and let her home. She is fragile emotionally (losing her daughter, and her cousins have all been diagnosed with either cancer, or one has had a stroke) as well as physically ( she has to wait for treatment).
Last week , I found out that my brother in law has been diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer. It sort of floored me. But not for the right reasons. I mean, even though I can’t stand him, I would not wish that on anyone. I don’t know how to deal with that information.
Added to that, I feel like death is closing in on me, it’s all around me, and it must be my turn next. My health anxiety is looming over me again.
It occurred to me yesterday that my sister used to use face powder, and that it must have caused her cancer. I’ve used face powder for many years, so I too will get lung cancer.
My stomach has been burning since yesterday, so I must have some terrible gastric cancer. My appetite has been off too, which is another sign,
sorry this is really garbled, but my mind is mush, I am not dealing with things well..
I just want to feel like there is still a life to be lived, not this shadow of sickness and death...
Inanna xx
Hi Inanna , I’m not sure how old you are but I’ve found in getting older we see our loved ones ( and not so loved ones ) getting ill or passing away and it does make us more aware of our own mortality, with anxiety we just fixate on it a lot more than others do to an extent that it takes over our lives and stops us enjoying life , since losing my mother last year it has got me thinking again but I just try to enjoy what I can in life , there are good days and bad ones , just try to think tomorrow may be better, get through a minute at a time until you can take it a day at a time then a week , the stomach is always the first thing to play up when we worry and it will calm down once your mind lets it .
Ive got another bloody funeral to got to next week but hopefully I’ll find something to enjoy the day after , life does carry on for the rest of us , enjoy the little things .
I just want to feel like there is still a life to be lived, not this shadow of sickness and death...
The older we get the more acquainted with illness and death we become, so it makes sense to try and overcome the HA fears as best we can and to do that we need to accept illness as a possibility and death as a certainty and make each day count.
Death casts no shadow for me. I've has such a monumental struggle to 'live' that I'm quite welcoming not having to work my baps off just to exist everyday. But I get that it's not the case for other people. But in any respect - I think that acceptance is the key to controlling HA which gives people their lives back.
Re your BIL, I have a feeling his disease is playing right into your HA - hence the stomach - which is absolutely to be expected with anxiety. Your body is in fight or flight mode and it's part of the stress response that the digestive system is affected - including loss of appetite. Think about it - how likely are you to want to eat when you've had a shock? Your body is responding exactly the way it's meant to by supressing the digestive system and focusing on other areas for the optimum fight or flight response. It's just that the response is always on because your HA thoughts are always triggering it. Now your BIL has PC and your HA mind is making a connection that in reality doesn't exist..
You can't control what's going on around you Inanna. You have no control over who gets cancer and who doesn't. Who dies and who lives. Their story isn't your story. But you do get to choose your reaction to what happens to other people and to yourself.
Maybe ask yourself what you sister would be saying to you if she could see you now? That thought helped me come to terms with my mothers death. I was so sad and lost without her and one day it occurred to me that I'm a mother too and I can't stand to see my sons unhappy, and I believed that my mother could 'see' me - therefore she would know that my unhappiness was because of her and I know that I could never, ever, 'rest in peace' if my sons were that unhappy because of me..
Or, if you don't have those kind of beliefs - there is your sisters memory - and you can choose to honour her life by living yours with as much joy and happiness as you can.
I've lost both parents and all but one aunty. I've yet to lose a sibling so I can only offer you my heartfelt sympathy. I'm the baby sister, but there's no guarantee which one of us will go first. My dad was the baby of his siblings and he was the first to die, but there's no point dwelling on something that I have no control over. We're all here now, and that's all any of us really have. X
Hi
Thank you both so much for your fantastic replies
Buster, sorry to hear that you’ve had to go to another funeral. I’m the wrong side of 50, and yes, it seems likesomanypeople around me are getting ill and dying. It really freaked me out that my brother in law got his diagnosis so soon after his wife (my sister) passed away from lung cancer. It feels like a big shadow is closing in on me. But, I have taken what you said “enjoy the little things” and put it on a sticky on my monitor. It’s there alongside captain toms “ tomorrow will be a better day”.
nora, I think my ha started because I was so scared that I’d leave my children , and let them down. Many years ago, I though I had cancer (turned out to be stress and anxiety from being in an abusive marriage, which I did escape eventually), and had psychotic episodes where I though I had to make my children hate me so they would not miss me when I died.. or drive my car into a tree so I didn’t have to watch my kids watch me die.
I think I really need some help. There seems so little point in living this way. I spend so much time and money obsessing over my health, but I really think I need to address my mental health more. As you rightly say, I have no control over who gets cancer , other than live a healthy lifestyle.
My ocd also sees me paying large amounts of money to charity. And whilst it is good that the charities benefit, the compulsion to do so, otherwise something awful will happen doesn’t seem very healthy for me.
My stomach/ guts have been a bit off this week. Tea makes me feel faintly queasy (I drink a lot of tea normally).
ithink I had something similar last April when my sister was first diagnosed, and my nephew also moved in as he was homeless.
tha k you both again, it helps me so much to talk on here. The reason it took me so long to reply, is that no one knows of my struggles, or knows I’m on here. I am very ashamed, so I have todo it all in secret.. but I come here often to read ....
wishing you all the best
Inanna xx
[QUOTE=Inanna;1990894]Hi
Thank you both so much for your fantastic replies
Buster, sorry to hear that you’ve had to go to another funeral. I’m the wrong side of 50, and yes, it seems likesomanypeople around me are getting ill and dying. It really freaked me out that my brother in law got his diagnosis so soon after his wife (my sister) passed away from lung cancer. It feels like a big shadow is closing in on me. But, I have taken what you said “enjoy the little things” and put it on a sticky on my monitor. It’s there alongside captain toms “ tomorrow will be a better day”.
nora, I think my ha started because I was so scared that I’d leave my children , and let them down. Many years ago, I though I had cancer (turned out to be stress and anxiety from being in an abusive marriage, which I did escape eventually), and had psychotic episodes where I though I had to make my children hate me so they would not miss me when I died.. or drive my car into a tree so I didn’t have to watch my kids watch me die.
I think I really need some help. There seems so little point in living this way. I spend so much time and money obsessing over my health, but I really think I need to address my mental health more. As you rightly say, I have no control over who gets cancer , other than live a healthy lifestyle.
My ocd also sees me paying large amounts of money to charity. And whilst it is good that the charities benefit, the compulsion to do so, otherwise something awful will happen doesn’t seem very healthy for me.
My stomach/ guts have been a bit off this week. Tea makes me feel faintly queasy (I drink a lot of tea normally).
ithink I had something similar last April when my sister was first diagnosed, and my nephew also moved in as he was homeless.
tha k you both again, it helps me so much to talk on here. The reason it took me so long to reply, is that no one knows of my struggles, or knows I’m on here. I am very ashamed, so I have todo it all in secret.. but I come here often to read ....
wishing you all the best
Inanna xx[/QUOTE
Hi Inanna,
I am a similar age to you and have spent years on and off worrying about my health. Most worries have not come true.
I am starting CBT again and am determined to put in the work this time.
I think therapy is the way forward , plus I take pregablin.
I went through a stage of feeling sick all the time due to anxiety.
Hope this helps a bit x
You two both know that you have to put the work in to manage your HA.
Coming on here to post about your symptoms can be momentarily therapeutic and comforting when people reply with similar experiences but ultimately gets you nowhere in terms of improving your quality of life and not living in fear of the next symptom/sensation which will always be perceived as being sinister.
Therapy doesn't have to be solely limited to CBT. ACT is a good alternative and offered by the NHS.
It's you who will always be the driving force in all this though. Therapy alone can help but commitment and determination count for so much more xx
Inanna , I haven’t had a very good few days so not many little things to enjoy but reading that I may have made a small difference to someone is a little thing to enjoy in itself so I’ll take that , my HA used to control my every waking moment constantly checking pulse , breathing, blood pressure, the list goes on , I’m not sure what changed but I don’t seem to care as much anymore , I tend to worry about the health problems I know I have rather than the ones I imagine I have , I haven’t been to the docs in 18 months so no reassurance there , I also hide my dirty little secret not even daring to use the laptop just my phone but I am starting to care less about being found out , people probably guess anyway .
Take care .
Hi all
thank you all so much for your replies, it means a lot
pb, how do you get on with the pegablin? do you have any side effects?
pulisa, I dont know what ACT is, and I'm too scared to google it. I'm very averse to using google to search for things, as it may lead me down a rabbit hole
Buster... I know what you mean about it occupying every living moment. I have recently ditched my fitbit, and swapped it for a simple pedometer. I was constantly checking my heart rate, and panicking if it went high, or low.
So, I still don't feel very well, something is definitely wrong. I had a lot of gastro problems last year, but it doesn't feel the same. Last year I had terrible pains in my left side, and it hurt when I ate or drank anything. This time it feels like my stomach, and my guts for sure. I am getting burning griping pain in the middle, and then pains and tightness on each side of my adbdo, above my hips, but below my ribs. Sort of lower waist. I have a hollow, gnawing feeling, especially if my stomach is empty, and I have to eat something, to try to sooth it. I'm hoping its high or low stomach acid, but part of me thinks it is something really serious.
I seem to remember that the first day it happened (been going on two weeks now), was the day after I had some prosecco. I rarely drink, and that was my first (and only!) alcohol this year. Is it possible that the alcohol upset my stomach acid balance? Would that last for two weeks? for the first few days, tea (decaff) made me feel sick, but now I can tolerate it.
Its just been a horrendous year, what with COVID, my sister dying, my mum was taken to hospital with a suspected heart attack (turned out to be gallstones, which was a relief as its treatable, but not nice. I am her bubble person , so I look after her as much as I can, but I work full time), my sisters widower (I refuse to call him my brother in law anymore, since he stopped me from seeing my sick sister, and banished me from the funeral) announcing that he has pancreatic cancer (my mum and younger sister are sceptical as he is such a liar, but I cant see why anyone would make that up).
I just want to feel better. I have an appointment with a counsellor next week.
Inanna
Inanna, I've had very few side effects with pregablin. I felt very tired when I first started taking them, but this soon got better. They have helped with my anxiety, and has enabled me to try cbt again for my HA.
I have tried different AD in the past and have had to stop due to side effects.
I hope your counselling helps x
ACT is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Inanna. It's another option for you to consider to help you manage your HA.
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