I feel guilty over immoral sexual experience when I was 13

[regretman30]

Hi everyone.

I’m 31 years old and had OCD for the last 1,5 years. Since last year, my OCD latched on to a real event that had happened when I was around 13 – 14 years old.

At that time, I shared same bed with my brother, who is 2 years younger than me. One night, when he was sleeping, I pulled down his short and rubbed my penis between his buttock (without attempting to anal penetrate and no penetration happened at all because I didn’t want to awake him). I cerntaily known it’s wrong for siblings to do it, but I justified myself that we’re both boys. I considered real sex is merely between male and female and didn’t know what “gay” is?.

After that, we was growing up as normal guys, had no sexual attraction to male. I forgot this stuff for nearly 17 years.

Now, this memory beats me everyday with guilt and shame. I read a similar story in this forum but the difference is my brother was sleeping. I don’t know how to deal with this burden. I'm afraid that my brother known what happend and he just pretended sleeping. Maybe that event affected him negatively but he hided it. I don't want to bring this memory up to my brother because he looks normal, have girl friends and treats me well.


Thank you for reading my story.

[Lencoboy]

Hi everyone.

I’m 31 years old and had OCD for the last 1,5 years. Since last year, my OCD latched on to a real event that had happened when I was around 13 – 14 years old.

At that time, I shared same bed with my brother, who is 2 years younger than me. One night, when he was sleeping, I pulled down his short and rubbed my penis between his buttock (without attempting to anal penetrate and no penetration happened at all because I didn’t want to awake him). I cerntaily known it’s wrong for siblings to do it, but I justified myself that we’re both boys. I considered real sex is merely between male and female and didn’t know what “gay” is?.

After that, we was growing up as normal guys, had no sexual attraction to male. I forgot this stuff for nearly 17 years.

Now, this memory beats me everyday with guilt and shame. I read a similar story in this forum but the difference is my brother was sleeping. I don’t know how to deal with this burden. I'm afraid that my brother known what happend and he just pretended sleeping. Maybe that event affected him negatively but he hided it. I don't want to bring this memory up to my brother because he looks normal, have girl friends and treats me well.


Thank you for reading my story.

If your brother was really affected by what you did to him all that time ago, he would surely have said and done something way before now.

I sometimes feel a similar sense of guilt because (dare I say it) I used to masturbate against certain objects myself (never persons or any other living creatures) at that very same age, and in the privacy of my own bedroom, but never came to any harm as I wasn't doing anything that was/is against the law, but it's more the oddball nature of said 'fetishes' I had at the time that I feel a bit guilty over, despite the objects I used at the time being totally innocuous.

I think it's also because of these more enlightened times we now live in, especially where 'Paedogeddon', Operation Yewtree, etc have been drilled into the public's conscience over the past decade in particular, that has heightened our sense of guilt, plus I do think that sadly, our society seems to be more judgemental and prudish now than ever before, particularly due to the advent of social media and the like, but both you and myself certainly haven't grown up into being nonce cases, in which I most certainly would never want to be seen dead as one.