stay_gold
15-03-21, 20:33
We have the weirdest strained but not strained relationship but we were talking on the phone. He was basically talking about everything bad everybody had done to him. Things family members had done and then it got to immediate family. I mentioned that he took it all out on me. I scratched the surface and didn't mention that he sexually abused me all in the name of jealousy and the advantage of being six years older than me. All he did was basically say that he had it harder than me (which he did), but he ensured that I got it hard too. Ruining my childhood and young adulthood in the process.
The thing is, he has now got a psychotic type disorder from a phase of drug use and he has taken my confronting him really badly. He has gone into a depressed state and I think the disorder is doing it's thing. I feel guilty because I caused it but feel anxious because I don't really know how he's going to be with me. He still has an odd competing thing with me although he'll never admit it. I hate that I tried to call twice and he didn't answer. I'm basically trying to comfort my abuser and I feel like such an idiot. In every other way I'm a well rounded and smart and strong person but here, I just feel like the abused boy I used to be and I can't talk to anybody about it because everybody knows what he's going through and has been through a lot. They assume that I've had it easy and I also don't know if they'll believe that he sexually abused me, my mother won't cope and I don't really want people to look at me as a that guy who was sexually assaulted by his brother.
The thing is, he has now got a psychotic type disorder from a phase of drug use and he has taken my confronting him really badly. He has gone into a depressed state and I think the disorder is doing it's thing. I feel guilty because I caused it but feel anxious because I don't really know how he's going to be with me. He still has an odd competing thing with me although he'll never admit it. I hate that I tried to call twice and he didn't answer. I'm basically trying to comfort my abuser and I feel like such an idiot. In every other way I'm a well rounded and smart and strong person but here, I just feel like the abused boy I used to be and I can't talk to anybody about it because everybody knows what he's going through and has been through a lot. They assume that I've had it easy and I also don't know if they'll believe that he sexually abused me, my mother won't cope and I don't really want people to look at me as a that guy who was sexually assaulted by his brother.