JackInTheBox
17-03-21, 16:39
Hello everyone, it's been a while...
I'm back to writing at this forum because I'm going through something that I cannot cope with. When I first discovered this community (maybe 10 years ago), the advice and support I got here made a world of difference! To the point of me being able to overcome a condition that was totally incapacitating and leading me to some very dark places. I will never be grateful enough for that.
Now I find myself on the cusp of a crisis that I want to prevent before its too late. At this point you might want to get a cup of tea or a confortable chair, because this is going to be long. I apologise for that, but I felt that context could be important to express the impact and my background with anxiety.
I'll start by providing some quick context about my anxiety issues and to where I am now. When I first came to this community I was undergoing a full-blow crisis of heath anxiety, namely obcessed with a heart disease. I had constant palpitations and other symptoms, it was interfering with my life and work, I couldn't sleep or live (in a general sense) without being consumed by negative thoughts and general paranoia. Did a ton of exams (no issues), which lead to more anxiety. At the time I wasn't even aware such a thing was possible and got convinced I was sick and no one could diagnose it. It was a mess that lasted almost a year, during which I was shadow of myself and barely lived.
With the advice, support and shared experience of this community, I was able to pinpoint the problem (heath anxiety), found ways to cope with it and at some extent prevent it. Make no mistake, the anxiety is still here and I guess it will ever be, but until now I was able to manage the worst of it (symptons), sometimes prevent it all together and, in a way, not be carried down the rabbit hole of obcessing over it. Unfortunately this changed recently.
During the years that followed my crisis and recuperation I've had my relapses, but mostly due to poor life-planning and overall anxiety, not by obcessing over it. You see, after being "free" of the first burden (it felt like it at the time), I was so inspired to follow my own path and change my life (to make it easier to cope with anxiety). Ironically of all things, I decided to create a company... I later successfully exited it, changed my life a bit more and eventually started another one, where I am still a partner. Goes without saying that those are not stress-free activities, but my tendency for obcessing over things seems to work well when aimed at practical or strategic things.
Before having the companies, I found myself overthinking or obcessing with the most futile things, this eventually lead me down the path of health anxiety. After having the companies, it was like I've found an outlet for what I call "paranoia energy" and it worked quite well on that end.
It wasn't without consequence though, during these 10 or so years I've spent two weeks bedridden on Valium (doctor's orders) followed by a couple more weeks of absolute rest, because I've burned my self out into a point where I would get frightning tachycardia episodes just from answering trivial business calls. Then a couple years after that episode (during 2019) I spent about a month struggling with persistent palpitation episodes, the anxiety came not from the palpitations themselves, but from fear of having the tachycardia events again. However as a consequence of both events, following on each one I did both life and changes in the business to mitigate my stress and anxiety. Can't say it was a resounding success, but they helped for sure.
Then COVID came. Surprisingly I was able to cope quite well with the pandemic, but I had to give full reign to my paranoid side to make it work. The business went into full remote very early in the spread (early February), I locked myself indoors and crancked paranoia to 11 under a form of procedures and rituals that made me feel safe and calm. I also adapted this approach so that I was able to visit loved ones or have the occasional reunion with friends without losing my wits. Life-work balance was a challenge, but thanks to a number of hobbies and other psicho-therapic occupations, I was able to keep it steady and maintain a positive mindset over the whole ordeal. There were of course moments of stress and anxiety, but they went away without further issue, mostly due to the changes I've mentioned earlier and the mindset I kept.
Enter the new crisis!
As of late 2020 and through these last few months, my life suffered a number of changes and the balance was hindered. Firstly work has intensified ten-fold, mostly due to the company being unexpectedly successful and we were having a hard-time keeping up with demand. We are did changes to organize and respond, but in the meantime stress, long hours and poor sleep took hold. While the situation is now close to being under control, it took a toll. Then as a consequence of that success, insinuations about life-changing prospects start to come up in business calls, still just as possibilities and mostly likely inconsequent. However, as we all know, if you tell an anxious, obsessive person that their wishes might come true (and there is a solid, rational approach to do it), that thought will burrow and take hold of its mind. Then, to make the picture complete, on a personal level things happened, namely being informed that a baby is on the way. This news brought joy and concern in equal amounts.
The combination of overworking, obcessing over hypothetical success perspectives and a full-blown life change have the capacity to throw one off the anxiety-management wagon. I feel that I'm currently holding on the edge of it by the skin of my teeth.
While these events have been unfolding over the last four months, I had some signs of anxiety. The occasional Lightheadedness, tension all over muscles, neck pain, the random palpitation. Nothing new so far and usually manageable. However on the last three/four weeks one symptom became proeminent and almost triggered a full-blow crisis: Lightheadedness.
It started as an occasional thing, more frequent at day's end and it crept his way into become almost constant. As it became more constant, I started to worry about it. Not long after, I was making all the mistakes again, namely visiting Dr. Google. As such, quickly I became overwhelmed by the possibility of being a diabetic, with high-blood pressure, cancer, thyroid issues and maybe a neurological disease. However my past experience and teachings from this forum kicked in and I moved to debunk those thoughts. A simple action as a glucose test (normal) and having my blood pressure measured (also normal) were enough to reassure me that my body should be fine. I also correlated the occurence of lightheadedness with work, since I noticed that when the day was spent resting or just relaxing I would feel fine, but as soon as I started to work episodes would trigger.
So now I'm at a point where:
-Lightheadedness causes me anxiety
-I'm aware that this is provably a consequence or toll from the last few months.
-I'm aware that this is anxiety/stress related
-I'm stressed because I feel I can't relax. Can't shake the thought of having to relax even when I'm relaxing, which in turn causes anxiety. (yes, I'm in this silly place)
-I now constantly fear that I'm headed to some sort of breakdown or bigger crisis, with long-term consequences, that in turn prevents me to work or live life, turns my future child destitute and makes everyone around me unhappy and miserable.
What I am doing to cope/manage:
-Took days off from work. Couldn't shut down completely, but I've passed along all tasks I could and my current workload is about 1 to 2 hours/day for the next couple days. Less in the upcoming weeks.
-Changed sleeping habits, namely going to bed earlier and trying to sleep a healthy amount of hours everyday.
-Trying to rest, undertake psicho-therapic activities and hobbies that if not relaxing, at least make me focus on something else for a while, giving my mind and body a break from all the obsessing.
-Pop the occasional Valerian pill. GP told me that since I have low tolerance to this sort of medication (I don't take anxiety meds), they can be quite effective in causing mild relaxation, thus shaking off or weakening anxiety symptoms.
I'm at day 2 of this management approach, I don't know if IK'm doing it right, these are mostly things I've picked up for general anxiety management. What else can I do to manage this and prevent a larger crisis? How can I cope or mitigate something like lightheadedness?
All help and insight are most welcome at this point!
I'm back to writing at this forum because I'm going through something that I cannot cope with. When I first discovered this community (maybe 10 years ago), the advice and support I got here made a world of difference! To the point of me being able to overcome a condition that was totally incapacitating and leading me to some very dark places. I will never be grateful enough for that.
Now I find myself on the cusp of a crisis that I want to prevent before its too late. At this point you might want to get a cup of tea or a confortable chair, because this is going to be long. I apologise for that, but I felt that context could be important to express the impact and my background with anxiety.
I'll start by providing some quick context about my anxiety issues and to where I am now. When I first came to this community I was undergoing a full-blow crisis of heath anxiety, namely obcessed with a heart disease. I had constant palpitations and other symptoms, it was interfering with my life and work, I couldn't sleep or live (in a general sense) without being consumed by negative thoughts and general paranoia. Did a ton of exams (no issues), which lead to more anxiety. At the time I wasn't even aware such a thing was possible and got convinced I was sick and no one could diagnose it. It was a mess that lasted almost a year, during which I was shadow of myself and barely lived.
With the advice, support and shared experience of this community, I was able to pinpoint the problem (heath anxiety), found ways to cope with it and at some extent prevent it. Make no mistake, the anxiety is still here and I guess it will ever be, but until now I was able to manage the worst of it (symptons), sometimes prevent it all together and, in a way, not be carried down the rabbit hole of obcessing over it. Unfortunately this changed recently.
During the years that followed my crisis and recuperation I've had my relapses, but mostly due to poor life-planning and overall anxiety, not by obcessing over it. You see, after being "free" of the first burden (it felt like it at the time), I was so inspired to follow my own path and change my life (to make it easier to cope with anxiety). Ironically of all things, I decided to create a company... I later successfully exited it, changed my life a bit more and eventually started another one, where I am still a partner. Goes without saying that those are not stress-free activities, but my tendency for obcessing over things seems to work well when aimed at practical or strategic things.
Before having the companies, I found myself overthinking or obcessing with the most futile things, this eventually lead me down the path of health anxiety. After having the companies, it was like I've found an outlet for what I call "paranoia energy" and it worked quite well on that end.
It wasn't without consequence though, during these 10 or so years I've spent two weeks bedridden on Valium (doctor's orders) followed by a couple more weeks of absolute rest, because I've burned my self out into a point where I would get frightning tachycardia episodes just from answering trivial business calls. Then a couple years after that episode (during 2019) I spent about a month struggling with persistent palpitation episodes, the anxiety came not from the palpitations themselves, but from fear of having the tachycardia events again. However as a consequence of both events, following on each one I did both life and changes in the business to mitigate my stress and anxiety. Can't say it was a resounding success, but they helped for sure.
Then COVID came. Surprisingly I was able to cope quite well with the pandemic, but I had to give full reign to my paranoid side to make it work. The business went into full remote very early in the spread (early February), I locked myself indoors and crancked paranoia to 11 under a form of procedures and rituals that made me feel safe and calm. I also adapted this approach so that I was able to visit loved ones or have the occasional reunion with friends without losing my wits. Life-work balance was a challenge, but thanks to a number of hobbies and other psicho-therapic occupations, I was able to keep it steady and maintain a positive mindset over the whole ordeal. There were of course moments of stress and anxiety, but they went away without further issue, mostly due to the changes I've mentioned earlier and the mindset I kept.
Enter the new crisis!
As of late 2020 and through these last few months, my life suffered a number of changes and the balance was hindered. Firstly work has intensified ten-fold, mostly due to the company being unexpectedly successful and we were having a hard-time keeping up with demand. We are did changes to organize and respond, but in the meantime stress, long hours and poor sleep took hold. While the situation is now close to being under control, it took a toll. Then as a consequence of that success, insinuations about life-changing prospects start to come up in business calls, still just as possibilities and mostly likely inconsequent. However, as we all know, if you tell an anxious, obsessive person that their wishes might come true (and there is a solid, rational approach to do it), that thought will burrow and take hold of its mind. Then, to make the picture complete, on a personal level things happened, namely being informed that a baby is on the way. This news brought joy and concern in equal amounts.
The combination of overworking, obcessing over hypothetical success perspectives and a full-blown life change have the capacity to throw one off the anxiety-management wagon. I feel that I'm currently holding on the edge of it by the skin of my teeth.
While these events have been unfolding over the last four months, I had some signs of anxiety. The occasional Lightheadedness, tension all over muscles, neck pain, the random palpitation. Nothing new so far and usually manageable. However on the last three/four weeks one symptom became proeminent and almost triggered a full-blow crisis: Lightheadedness.
It started as an occasional thing, more frequent at day's end and it crept his way into become almost constant. As it became more constant, I started to worry about it. Not long after, I was making all the mistakes again, namely visiting Dr. Google. As such, quickly I became overwhelmed by the possibility of being a diabetic, with high-blood pressure, cancer, thyroid issues and maybe a neurological disease. However my past experience and teachings from this forum kicked in and I moved to debunk those thoughts. A simple action as a glucose test (normal) and having my blood pressure measured (also normal) were enough to reassure me that my body should be fine. I also correlated the occurence of lightheadedness with work, since I noticed that when the day was spent resting or just relaxing I would feel fine, but as soon as I started to work episodes would trigger.
So now I'm at a point where:
-Lightheadedness causes me anxiety
-I'm aware that this is provably a consequence or toll from the last few months.
-I'm aware that this is anxiety/stress related
-I'm stressed because I feel I can't relax. Can't shake the thought of having to relax even when I'm relaxing, which in turn causes anxiety. (yes, I'm in this silly place)
-I now constantly fear that I'm headed to some sort of breakdown or bigger crisis, with long-term consequences, that in turn prevents me to work or live life, turns my future child destitute and makes everyone around me unhappy and miserable.
What I am doing to cope/manage:
-Took days off from work. Couldn't shut down completely, but I've passed along all tasks I could and my current workload is about 1 to 2 hours/day for the next couple days. Less in the upcoming weeks.
-Changed sleeping habits, namely going to bed earlier and trying to sleep a healthy amount of hours everyday.
-Trying to rest, undertake psicho-therapic activities and hobbies that if not relaxing, at least make me focus on something else for a while, giving my mind and body a break from all the obsessing.
-Pop the occasional Valerian pill. GP told me that since I have low tolerance to this sort of medication (I don't take anxiety meds), they can be quite effective in causing mild relaxation, thus shaking off or weakening anxiety symptoms.
I'm at day 2 of this management approach, I don't know if IK'm doing it right, these are mostly things I've picked up for general anxiety management. What else can I do to manage this and prevent a larger crisis? How can I cope or mitigate something like lightheadedness?
All help and insight are most welcome at this point!