View Full Version : Anyone have an intense fear of cancer metastasis
Anxietysufferer92
29-03-21, 18:28
I cannot believe after a couple of months, I am back to square one and getting worse every day. So at the beginning, I had a bit of bleeding after sex. I went to the gp who did my smear and checked my cervix and vaginal area and said everything looks fine and the smear test was clear. During this time, I had horrible lower back and abdominal pain. Thank goodness it disappeared in time. I had sex since then and no bleeding has occurred and I've had no symptoms ever since. A few weeks ago, I had a dreadful stomach bug that lasted the weekend and had constant diarrhoea, then I had it again a couple of weeks later and now feels like I have got it after my son has had the bug but he has the vomiting bug. Now, I have been suffering from on and off diarrhoea and stomach aches for the past week and I'm tired of it. I am knackered and it is draining me so I think it is something more sinister going on. I am very nauseated all the time and I have zero appetite. Everyone has been telling me I am losing weight so now I am trying on all my clothes to see if they're loose, thank goodness my weighing scale batteries have died because I would be more obsessed. I feel like I am losing weight though, I don't eat breakfast and I am in an active job but my weight hasn't dropped this quickly. My stools are either runny or runny/solid mixture, but they're always light to dark brown. Haven't seen any blood so far.. But I have an immense fear that maybe the gp have missed cancer growing and it has now metastated to my bowel and uterus. I am always tired and I have a banging headache. I am petrified of the way I feel now and I am telling myself time and time again we are going to die and that I will go to a better place and I won't have to have this dreadful, stupid, life debilitating HA hanging over me 24/7.
ankietyjoe
29-03-21, 19:17
I cannot believe after a couple of months, I am back to square one and getting worse every day. So at the beginning, I had a bit of bleeding after sex. I went to the gp who did my smear and checked my cervix and vaginal area and said everything looks fine and the smear test was clear. During this time, I had horrible lower back and abdominal pain. Thank goodness it disappeared in time. I had sex since then and no bleeding has occurred and I've had no symptoms ever since. A few weeks ago, I had a dreadful stomach bug that lasted the weekend and had constant diarrhoea, then I had it again a couple of weeks later and now feels like I have got it after my son has had the bug but he has the vomiting bug. Now, I have been suffering from on and off diarrhoea and stomach aches for the past week and I'm tired of it. I am knackered and it is draining me so I think it is something more sinister going on. I am very nauseated all the time and I have zero appetite. Everyone has been telling me I am losing weight so now I am trying on all my clothes to see if they're loose, thank goodness my weighing scale batteries have died because I would be more obsessed. I feel like I am losing weight though, I don't eat breakfast and I am in an active job but my weight hasn't dropped this quickly. My stools are either runny or runny/solid mixture, but they're always light to dark brown. Haven't seen any blood so far.. But I have an immense fear that maybe the gp have missed cancer growing and it has now metastated to my bowel and uterus. I am always tired and I have a banging headache. I am petrified of the way I feel now and I am telling myself time and time again we are going to die and that I will go to a better place and I won't have to have this dreadful, stupid, life debilitating HA hanging over me 24/7.
You've just listed a few things that can happen to people from time to time.
People lose weight when they get ill.
Stop Googling.
Stop telling yourself you're dying.
Stop Googling.
The good news is that you still know the difference between lose and loose, most don't! :yesyes:
Oh by the way, I had the dreaded stomach bug too, so did my youngest son. I lost 6lbs in two days. It's mostly passed now, but even two weeks later my digestion hasn't fully come back to normal. You'll be fine.
If your son has been I'll as well then I would say you have had a bug. Without being too graphic it is probably mostly water and once you are back up and running again you will get back to normal weight.
Tired and headache could be dehydration or just part of the bug.
Try to think logically rather than worst case. I appreciate this is easier said than done and I do the same.
I had same issue of bleeding. Went through physical exam, blood tests, scanning, endometrial biopsy and nothing was found except irritation. After that, bleeding stops.
Doctors won’t miss. If you are worried, ask for a scan. If you are in Peri-menopause, it can happen too.
My current fear: Brain tumor because my eye pressure is borderline high.
Anxiety suck. My mind would venture to those dark thoughts when it’s free, especially at night.
Anxietysufferer92
31-03-21, 15:38
I haven't googled much.. Problem is it is already embedded in my head from years of googling, unfortunately. I am not coping at all. I am very jittery, pacing up and down like a caged tiger and I feel like I want to vomit. I have diarrhoea still and feel so tired.. Tired of feeling like this, mentally and physically I guess. I have stopped the car on my way home from work and I cried. A lot. I just let it all out and I don't feel better about it. Sometimes I feel numb about it all. I'm surprised I am just about to function at work. I have to sit down a lot to gather my thoughts together before I continue. I am never going to be free from this, guys. I have tried so hard to overcome it but I am seriously getting tired of it now as I know all of us who are in this situation are. I cannot be bothered to fight with the doctors to try and see me because of covid, they're very reluctant to do so. I don't see the point fighting for a diagnosis when, ultimately it could be the worse case scenario and there's nothing I can do about it anyway, I just have to live with it.. However long I have left to live. I just don't know anymore. How can I be calm and feel free? Why am I so scared of leaving this world when one day, we are going to? I just don't know anymore.
All I can say is I hope you feel better soon. Reading your post, it made me think that we all worry and have anxiety to a degree. It's human nature. I've not slept well in months due to everything going on. Many here go through that too. I'll wake up at 3 or 4am to pee or something and then have trouble falling asleep because I'm worried about this or that. BUT.... never to the degree I see in your post and the posts of so many others on the board. Then again, I don't have health anxiety. The difference became clear. Like I said, the things I worry about are similar to many here. The difference is, I don't panic or have the pure visceral physical response many sufferers have. Then, take HA, and the same response to an irrational and unrealistic scenario and boom, there you are.
Having dealt with mental illness in my family and dealing with depression, I truly think real life professional help is the way to help dig yourself out. I still use the techniques I've learned to this day.
Positive thoughts
ankietyjoe
31-03-21, 17:37
I haven't googled much...
Don't Google at all.
Your problem is practiced catastrophising and a monumental case of negative self talk.
Try doing the opposite for the same amount of time you practiced fearing the worst. Months, years?
As FMP says you probably need some help with it (mentally of course). You don't need to see another Doctor, that's just more of the same self checking habit.
Anxietysufferer92
31-03-21, 21:44
I understand where you're all coming from but why is it that this is the worse I've ever felt as the symptoms which are not related to anxiety has manifested itself? I've never had stomach pains or abnormal bleeding during my anxiety stage. The doctor only checked my downstairs department, she never referred me to a specialist because she said I am OK. We know doctors can be wrong though, don't we? Sorry I know I sound like a broken record and I really do appreciate all of you telling me to get my act together (lol) but I am absolutely petrified. Tonight I am feeling terribly, dreadfully bad. I am sweating and getting all panicky. My husband has noticed and I had to make ou that I am OK. We are in the process of moving house and he is really excited. I am not going to ruin the excitement for him so I am keeping it to myself. I am not googling symptoms, but I am looking for private clinics to get ultrasounds and mri done..with whatever money I have left. Ridiculous isn't it?! I am going to call my GP tomorrow and hope she will actually let me come in and see her so I can just let it all out. I feel like such a fraud, so many people are dying/have died and I am making it seem like I am the only who has a right to be scared about the inevitable! I am feeling really numb. Why is that? One minute I am scared and panicky, the next I am relaxed and calm about whatever diagnosis I get/prepared for.
Just based on your post history (https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?177572-Despite-getting-the-all-clear-I-still-don-t-feel-satisfied!) (sound familiar?), I'll be in touch with the "Told Ya So Gang" :winks: Let us know what the doctor says.
FMP
ankietyjoe
31-03-21, 23:29
I understand where you're all coming from but why is it that this is the worse I've ever felt as the symptoms which are not related to anxiety has manifested itself? I've never had stomach pains or abnormal bleeding during my anxiety stage. The doctor only checked my downstairs department, she never referred me to a specialist because she said I am OK. We know doctors can be wrong though, don't we? Sorry I know I sound like a broken record and I really do appreciate all of you telling me to get my act together (lol) but I am absolutely petrified. Tonight I am feeling terribly, dreadfully bad. I am sweating and getting all panicky. My husband has noticed and I had to make ou that I am OK. We are in the process of moving house and he is really excited. I am not going to ruin the excitement for him so I am keeping it to myself. I am not googling symptoms, but I am looking for private clinics to get ultrasounds and mri done..with whatever money I have left. Ridiculous isn't it?! I am going to call my GP tomorrow and hope she will actually let me come in and see her so I can just let it all out. I feel like such a fraud, so many people are dying/have died and I am making it seem like I am the only who has a right to be scared about the inevitable! I am feeling really numb. Why is that? One minute I am scared and panicky, the next I am relaxed and calm about whatever diagnosis I get/prepared for.
Because life is change and sometimes we can actually have something wrong with us that doesn't mean we're about to drop dead.
Your narrative is frankly terrible -
'Doctors can be wrong'
'Scared about the inevitable'
'looking for private clinics'
You are basically convincing yourself that something is wrong when you have been explicitly told that there isn't.
Lets say you get an MRI and you're given the all clear. Then what?
The good news is that you still know the difference between lose and loose, most don't! :yesyes:
or your and you’re
or weather and whether
ha ha
Anxietysufferer92
01-04-21, 22:15
I am surprised I can even spell swajj lol and as for the mri, well right now I'd be absolutely delighted to get it done and be told I am in the clear. Will last a few weeks then something else will crop up of course. I am still in a bit of a mess. I have a very sore back and belly, feeling shivery and tired as well. I'm thinking a uti or kidney infection which I've had before. I am in a state of panic again and obsessively going toilet and wiping down to below to check for presence of blood. Living like this is a nightmare.
ankietyjoe
02-04-21, 11:07
I am surprised I can even spell swajj lol and as for the mri, well right now I'd be absolutely delighted to get it done and be told I am in the clear. Will last a few weeks then something else will crop up of course. I am still in a bit of a mess. I have a very sore back and belly, feeling shivery and tired as well. I'm thinking a uti or kidney infection which I've had before. I am in a state of panic again and obsessively going toilet and wiping down to below to check for presence of blood. Living like this is a nightmare.
If living like this is a nightmare, then stop checking.
Above all things HA is a habitual condition. Stop checking, stop googling, check your thought patterns etc. If you start to 'think the worst' then intercept that thought with 'this is probably nothing'. You effectively have to re-train your brain to not massively overreact to every single niggle or ailment you have. It will take a LONG time, so start today. Take control of it.
Anxietysufferer92
02-04-21, 23:33
If living like this is a nightmare, then stop checking.
Above all things HA is a habitual condition. Stop checking, stop googling, check your thought patterns etc. If you start to 'think the worst' then intercept that thought with 'this is probably nothing'. You effectively have to re-train your brain to not massively overreact to every single niggle or ailment you have. It will take a LONG time, so start today. Take control of it.
I know. Everytime I do it, I know that it is my own fault and I shouldn't keep complaining about it. It is a habitual condition but, I cannot rationally think or just breathe and tell myself that it can be many things and not just the C word. I have tried retraining my brain for many years, especially when I am not having a flare up but when my HA flares up, it all goes out of the window. I have lost control completely over it all. It's so bloody difficult battling our thoughts day in and day out :(
Anxietysufferer92
07-04-21, 08:22
So I've taken the plunge and booked a pelvic ultrasound this Friday. I cannot cope anymore with the unknown! I am still having belly aches and IBS symptoms which I very rarely have. For some reason I have a very bad feeling! Anything I eat goes straight through me. It's been over 2 weeks now.
carriewriting
07-04-21, 12:00
You have a bad feeling because that's anxiety. It makes us feel like it's intuition and that's why we're so compelled to take action. We feel like it's life or death if we don't. But it's not.
Here's what I've realised during therapy after 15 years of severe and constant health anxiety:
1. Anxiety is not intuition.
2. We are not psychics (otherwise we'd be putting our talents to better use eg. lotto!).
3. People who get cancer or serious diseases are usually shocked by the diagnosis, not expecting/anticipating it.
4. I am not a medical professional (all I have is a diploma from Google in "Things I should never have researched")
5. No disease or medical condition is bad as living with constant health anxiety.
I knew I'd reached rock bottom when I had an ultrasound and even that didn't reassure me.
This one might help you for a while, but it will also keep you on the anxiety hamster wheel. There is no such thing as knowing 100% that you are disease free.
I'm now treating my health anxiety as OCD. Getting tests, Googling and checking are compulsions that we have to resist to recover.
It's so, so hard, but when you commit to doing it, the support you'll get here will keep you moving towards beating anxiety for good.
Get the ultrasound. You’ll have peace of mind. It may not last but your mental and physical health will improve. Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break.
Anxietysufferer92
10-04-21, 12:38
Get the ultrasound. You’ll have peace of mind. It may not last but your mental and physical health will improve. Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break.
Peace of mind lasted a day lol.
Peace of mind lasted a day lol.
lol but hey you got a day!
Peace of mind lasted a day lol.
....but why ? It was clear, totally clear, nothing abnormal. Thats it. Start trusting and start applying the methods Joe talks about above, it takes time and effort.
ankietyjoe
10-04-21, 18:34
Lets say you get an MRI and you're given the all clear. Then what?
Peace of mind lasted a day lol.
So what was the point of getting it?
always scared
10-04-21, 20:24
I fear cancer everyday. I'm so weak and tried. I really fear I'm dying this time. I'm terrified 😨 this is cancer or als
Anxietysufferer92
10-04-21, 22:15
....but why ? It was clear, totally clear, nothing abnormal. Thats it. Start trusting and start applying the methods Joe talks about above, it takes time and effort.
Because I am still having symptoms of bowel issues, like diarrhoea, stomach pains, awful indigestion, lack of appetite, weight loss... Only thing the scan did for me really was to reassure me that it was not cervical or ovarian cancer that has spread to my bowels or something. Ridiculous I know, but it eliminated that worry. Now it is either bowel or stomach cancer.
Is there a reason you're not seeking help with your anxiety besides that fact you believe this to be something it's not? :huh:
I mentioned before you're obviously spiraling. You've posted numerous threads and have gotten many reassuring replies but the cycle just continues :huh: What are you expecting and looking for by posting if you're not mentally capable of accepting good advice and taking action in real life to address it?
FMP
Now it is either bowel or stomach cancer.
Oh of course, like it couldn't be something far less sinister like IBS and anxiety (for example) ? Something I learnt way back when I had HA was to go to the most likely and common possibility FIRST, to stop jumping steps and stages, medics don't start that way when diagnosing........they don't shout 'CANCER' at everybody who comes into their door!
Anxietysufferer92
10-04-21, 22:44
Is there a reason you're not seeking help with your anxiety besides that fact you believe this to be something it's not? :huh:
I mentioned before you're obviously spiraling. You've posted numerous threads and have gotten many reassuring replies but the cycle just continues :huh: What are you expecting and looking for by posting if you're not mentally capable of accepting good advice and taking action in real life to address it?
FMP
Honestly I cannot afford to even seek help at the moment. The waiting list in the UK is absolutely huge. I was lucky I did get some help when I was 16 as it was a free service for those between 16 and 19 years but now, you either have to pay or you end up waiting for months, years even. I know what you mean, it is all on me and I fully accept that.
Anxietysufferer92
10-04-21, 22:45
Oh of course, like it couldn't be something far less sinister like IBS and anxiety (for example) ? Something I learnt way back when I had HA was to go to the most likely and common possibility FIRST, to stop jumping steps and stages, medics don't start that way when diagnosing........they don't shout 'CANCER' at everybody who comes into their door!
I did put it down to IBS but the symptoms have continued for almost 14 days straight now. I put it down to a bug cos my son got ill at the same time but mine has lingered on and on.
14 days !!!! Seriously, thats all !!! I thought it had been like 14 months or something. AND you've jumped to cancer ? So, you could have had a stomach bug like your son, which is highly likely, and now maybe your gut flora is out of kilter, or theres some bacterial hanging on that needs treatment - I'm sure the stool tests your doctor has ordered and so on will give a better picture. I'm not saying there is nothing bothering you, but its the catastrophic thought process of leaping to cancer that is not right, you already have a clear cause and effect here. I know plenty of people who have taken this length of time to get over stomach viruses. I honestly don't know how you can jump to cancer after having had a stomach bug and these symptoms continuing afterwards for 14 days ?
Honestly I cannot afford to even seek help at the moment. The waiting list in the UK is absolutely huge. I was lucky I did get some help when I was 16 as it was a free service for those between 16 and 19 years but now, you either have to pay or you end up waiting for months, years even. I know what you mean, it is all on me and I fully accept that.
There is free help in the links in my signature and that's something you can start now while you wait for real life help (if you've signed up). Honestly, words on a screen are just that if you don't take them in and act on them :shrug:
FMP
Anxietysufferer92
10-04-21, 23:00
14 days !!!! Seriously, thats all !!! I thought it had been like 14 months or something. AND you've jumped to cancer ? So, you could have had a stomach bug like your son, which is highly likely, and now maybe your gut flora is out of kilter, or theres some bacterial hanging on that needs treatment - I'm sure the stool tests your doctor has ordered and so on will give a better picture. I'm not saying there is nothing bothering you, but its the catastrophic thought process of leaping to cancer that is not right, you already have a clear cause and effect here. I know plenty of people who have taken this length of time to get over stomach viruses. I honestly don't know how you can jump to cancer after having had a stomach bug and these symptoms continuing afterwards for 14 days ?
Because I honestly never had something last this long before. The longest I had diarrhoea was 10 days and that was from salmonella poisoning after eating at a pub. I knew someone who worked there who told me they had a case of salmonella poisoning. But this time... No idea. My son got over it in a few days but mine just lingering.. Why is that then? Surely shouldn't be lasting this long if it is a standard stomach bug. Even the gp himself said that it wasn't normal and to get checked just in case. I just couldn't cope anymore, wish my bowels just acted normal.
.....but get checked in case of what ? What does the GP want to look for ?
A few weeks ago, I had a dreadful stomach bug that lasted the weekend and had constant diarrhoea, then I had it again a couple of weeks later and now feels like I have got it after my son has had the bug but he has the vomiting bug. Now, I have been suffering from on and off diarrhoea and stomach aches for the past week and I'm tired of it. I am knackered and it is draining me so I think it is something more sinister going on.
Cos, from this information above, it sounds like this all started with a stomach bug, thats not how cancer manifests. Yet again, I'm not saying you don't have something lingering on here that is causing some symptoms, but I doubt the GP is doing cancer checks !
It may have started with some kind of bug but your anxiety keeps the symptoms going. I got food poisoning last year and symptoms that should have resolved in a few days went on for 3 weeks. I ended up getting a CT scan and amazingly my symptoms disappeared overnight. You need to keep reminding yourself that anxiety can cause all the symptoms you describe, because you don’t really believe that.
As Carys says, stomach bugs can really affect the gut flora and can also trigger IBS with a vengeance.
I presume you have been tested for H. Pylori? See what the stool tests reveal if anything?
It's been such a short period of time..I know what you mean about the ridiculous wait for therapy in the UK. Even private sources are booked up for ages thanks to covid anxiety. You DO need help especially as you have a young son who will suffer if his Mum is so terrified about her health. I think you need to tell your GP about just how badly HA has taken over your life and ask him/her to help you to access therapy quickly. Not a routine referral via IAPT, maybe a referral to your local Community Mental Health team for an assessment.
Anxietysufferer92
11-04-21, 09:13
I know it has taken over my life completely. Its affecting me so bad and my son will pick up on it if he hasn't already. I try and remain calm around him but when he is out of sight, I literally take a deep breath and start panicking again. It's not the first time I've had IBS type symptoms though, had it quite a few times which was short lived but this time, it seems to be ongoing. Can not remember the last time I had a proper, formed poo! It isn't diarrhoea but still very soft and quite yellow. Is that normal when you've had a bug or something? I have to wait and see what bloods and stool sample say but I am getting quite nervous about it. Hope it just says I have a parasite or something that's making its way out of my system. More worried about the inflammation test as I read somewhere ages ago it is related to colon cancer...holy crap just saying/writing that word has made me all jittery..! I am trying my damn hardest NOT to Google anything. Its so bloody hard because I just want to get a full body examination and tests to tell me I am OK and I don't have cancer. If I could afford it I would pay for a full MRI or CT scan for that reassurance. I've not had any of them done before in my life. The gp did say that the good thing is I don't have any blood in my poo... But you don't have to have blood to not have cancer! Maybe it is pancreatic cancer then.. Oh god I'm not having a good morning at all.
ankietyjoe
11-04-21, 10:37
Googling is a choice. There is literally nothing forcing you to Google. It is a choice, every single time.
If you Google, it's because you have chosen to. That is the first thing you need to stop, today.
Go out for a walk and look at the sky instead. Drop old habits by forming new, healthier ones.
"I'm not going to have a good morning"
So now you're psychic too? :shrug:
Your own thoughts and words have power. If you say you'll have a bad morning, you'll have one.
It's not the first time I've had IBS type symptoms though, had it quite a few times which was short lived but this time, it seems to be ongoing.
So, if you've had it before, then why can't you just assume this is a slighter longer version of the same thing ? maybe the gastro problem was worse this time that started it ? Maybe your anxiety is higher this time, meaning you are not digesting properly right through your digestive tract ? Maybe some foods are now causing you to feel worse after the illness ? Jumping to various cancers is the issue here, and not that you have 'symptoms'. I had IBS that started decades ago after amoebic dysentry (picked up abroad) and lasted 2 months, even though there was no evidence of 'infection', on and off its lasted my whole life if I am stressed or eat the wrong things. I find it interesting that you seem to have had the original illness, then a gap, then some more 'illness' then a gap, then more 'illness'. Can't you rationalise that somewhat, just try, how could that be cancer ?
Maybe it is pancreatic cancer then.. Oh god I'm not having a good morning at all.
Thats because of your choice, to now move onto pancreatic cancer. It is a choice you are making to reiterate there is something seriously wrong with you, that is terminal, when all evidence doesn't point to that. Your habit is fear, constant fear, constant analysing, constant castastrophizing - you've been doing this for months and now its going to take effort to relearn ways of thinking. One thing is for sure, waking up and questioning if its pancreatic cancer was about the worst thing you can do. People on here are showing you how its done, how you rationalise and reassure yourself, how you self-talk, start practicing.
Anxietysufferer92
11-04-21, 11:02
So, if you've had it before, then why can't you just assume this is a slighter longer version of the same thing ? maybe the gastro problem was worse this time that started it ? Maybe your anxiety is higher this time, meaning you are not digesting properly right through your digestive tract ? Maybe some foods are now causing you to feel worse after the illness ? Jumping to various cancers is the issue here, and not that you have 'symptoms'. I had IBS that started decades ago after amoebic dysentry (picked up abroad) and lasted 2 months, even though there was no evidence of 'infection', on and off its lasted my whole life if I am stressed or eat the wrong things. I find it interesting that you seem to have had the original illness, then a gap, then some more 'illness' then a gap, then more 'illness'. Can't you rationalise that somewhat, just try, how could that be cancer ?
Thats because of your choice, to now move onto pancreatic cancer. It is a choice you are making to reiterate there is something seriously wrong with you, that is terminal, when all evidence doesn't point to that. Your habit is fear, constant fear, constant analysing, constant castastrophizing - you've been doing this for months and now its going to take effort to relearn ways of thinking. One thing is for sure, waking up and questioning if its pancreatic cancer was about the worst thing you can do. People on here are showing you how its done, how you rationalise and reassure yourself, how you self-talk, start practicing.
One thing I am thinking is that when I first got this bug or whatever it is, I was extremely nauseous for a week,like being pregnant again except I am not! That alone ruined my appetite hence why I stopped eating. Then afterwards I had terrible abdominal cramping, like so bad it woke me up in the night and I would just have explosive bowels and the pain in my tummy lasted all day as well and the nausea slowly subsided. I felt very tired and weak as well. I haven't got nausea anymore thank goodness, but it is just the bowel issues and occasionally belly cramps I'm getting now. I am trying to rationalise this way that I am a lot better than I was. But it still doesn't help. I am NOT googling at all but it is already embedded in my head from googling previously many months / years ago. I've never forgotten what symptoms match with what,bizzarely.i wish I could forget.
Glad to hear that you aren't checking out your symptoms, but I can tell you as a bystander, what you describes sounds like a bad stomach bug that is having a knock on effect on your bowels and digestion - I still maintain some residual infection, IBS or gut flora imbalance. You need to keep repeating it, over and over, every time your head comes up with cancer - you say things like 'but hold on, it can't be as it started with nausea, then progressed to diahorrea, and now the nausea is gone' or 'cancer doesn't come and go, come and go and doesn't start quickly like this'. You need to have an arsenal of counter acttacks to your thought processes which are illogical.
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