My sensitivity

[Bill]

It’s probably something most of us suffer from. I think mine stems from my insecurity. I can remember from an early age how little things said became impressed on me and stuck. I used to be easy to wind up at work. They’d only need say the boss needs to see me and I’d start panicking with worry for fear I’d done something wrong!

I also feel that when we’re sensitive the not so nice people will use it against us by taking advantage or putting us down. After a time I think we start looking for it in others expecting new people we’ve never met to treat us the same. As a result we may mistrust people and without meaning to look for those words we’ve always been used to in the past telling us we’re no good. We become defensive which adds to our anxiety so we become even more sensitive to what people say to us. It’s rather like a wounded animal lashing out due to fear because it’s always had a mistrust of humans as they’ve always tried to harm it.

I said to a friend once that people took advantage of him because he was so generous. He said it didn’t bother him. He didn’t care. He was generous because it made him happy. In a way he was right. If we don’t care about bad things that others think of us then it brushes off us and as a result we de-sensitise ourselves. Also if we’re happy in ourselves by doing what we enjoy, in his case being generous, then if people want to think bad of us then it’s just their opinion because we “feel good”.

I’m not sure the above makes any sense really!!! I just know that I do what I think feels right and let people think what they want to think. I’ll always be sensitive but I’m happy being so.

I’m just thinking outloud!:shrug:

[Oceanblue]

Yes it does make alot of sense Bill. Infact reading your post has helped me to not feel alone with these thoughts.

I agree with everything you've said :) xx

[Bill]

Hello Katie,

I'm glad it helped and relieved it did make sense! Although I'm sensitive so do get hurt, I never bite thank goodness but I know people who do but I understand why they do so I never react or argue back unless there's no excuse for their action.

I find if I can see beyond their reaction then their words don't hurt me because once they simmer and realise themselves why they reacted like they did, they always come back and things are made up.

I guess I've learnt from my wifes illness that she says things because of her illness. In the past I used to feel very hurt but I kept reminding myself that it was her illness talking and even if I did react, it would just make her worse and then when she felt better, I'd be the one hurting and she'd have forgotten all about it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not comparing her illness to anxiety because they're totally different. I'm just saying that maybe it's helped me to have patience and understanding because often people say things because of what they've read into what someone say because of how they feel inside or been treated in the past. That's why I think they say that people say things they don't mean during arguments because it's their feelings that are talking rather than what the other person has actually said, like touching a live wire but it happens. It's life. We all have things we're sensitive about.

I used to react without thinking and we all do when something upsets us enough. It's learning to think before you react! You're by no means alone with this katie. :hugs:

[lesleyB]

Hello Bill, I too agree with everything that you have said,I am now beginng to take things less personally hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel.:yesyes:
Lesleyb

[bearcrazy]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Hi Bill,

I agree with everything you say, in fact it could have been me in that post. I have always been ultra sensitive and so scared of upsetting anyone that I have become a people pleaser. I do things for others because I need them to like me. When I upset someone it destroys my confidence because I am convinced it was all my fault. At work I said yes to anyhting people asked me because i was scared to say No for the same reasons. As a result I not only wouldnt say No when people asked me to do things i was always first to volunteer to do things, becoming overloaded with work!
As a result I have suffered from depression all of my life, and from guilt. When I had counselling the counsellor said to me: 'when you say yes, what will it cost you?' Its easier said than done though as you and others like us will know!

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[tonkaboy]

Bill,

You have an uncanny knack of tuning into my wavelength. I'm very sensitive and take things personally. I think it works against me sometimes. On other occasions, because I care, I've been very successful - if there's no passion in something, why bother?

It's a double edged sword really but I do thing it contributes to anxiety.

This is probably something we also have in common - I push myself very hard and don't like to say 'no' at work. I'm getting better at asserting myself but one of the main factors that led up to my problems was being overloaded at work. I didn't want to 'fail' so I drove myself very hard, too hard in hindsight. Looking back, I think my superiors actually failed me because they always undercut my manpower but still expected the same results. It got to the point where if I was asked for my manning profile for the year, I'd just say, tell me what it is and save us both an hour of debate. They didn't like that as they wanted me to arrive at their answer and be happy. I felt like they were patronising me.

I also don't like conflict - back to the sensitive nature again. I go to great lengths to avoid confrontation. It's hard when you find yourself overloaded and in a very pressurised environment with people who are quite happy to see you burned out to get the work done. I'm a bit wiser now and have a job where I have more of a free hand to mould it into what I want.

I think there are definitely personality traits that anxious people have in common. The sad thing is that it's usually the caring, sensitive, conscientious type that have the problems - the hardnosed folk that have little conscience seem to skate away from these type of problems.

Anyway, that's all for now, still licking my wounds for my team getting a 3-0 pasting this afternoon. I'm just glad I didn't go to the other side of the country to watch!

Cheers

A

[Bill]

Hi A and all,
I reckon we must think alike! Sorry to hear about your team but at least it sounds like it was an away match!

Confrontation – I think we try to avoid it at all cost because being sensitive it upsets us and we don’t like seeing others upset because as a result we think we’ll be unpopular, and we’ll feel guilty and so blame ourselves. I’ve always tried to use diplomacy first before going on the offensive.

I think the confrontation issue is partly why I self harmed. My wife would verbally attack me alot when she couldn’t help it. I had to remind myself that it was her illness talking so it’d be wrong to fight back but the frustration and pain of not being able to release my feelings and hurting so much inside just built up. I couldn’t escape the bombardment even though I’d lock myself in the bathroom or walk out the house for a while, and I couldn’t confront her when what she was saying was just paranoia and illogical thoughts, so I’d release my feelings by making them physical and taking them out on myself. I just couldn’t use confrontation because it’d just make things worse, I’d feel guilty and even more stressed out as a result. As bearcrazy says, I guess it cost me a lot and nearly my life but I saw no escape from my pressures at the time.

It’s a double edged sword. If we weren’t so sensitive we wouldn’t care so much and maybe we wouldn’t be so conscientious about doing a good job either. A question of balance of knowing our limits and thinking of ourselves a little more when our limits are reached and learning we too also have a right to live our lives, so it doesn’t cost us so much by making us ill.

[Dying_Swan]

Morning all.

My mum always says that my biggest fault is my 'over-sensitivity'. Sometimes I just can't help taking things personally.

Bill - you said people would wind you up about needing to see your Boss. It reminded me of something I'd forgotten! I was in my first year at Uni training to be a Children's Nurse. I'd just started my first placement on a Children's Ward and was incredibly anxious to do well. I was struggling anyway, because my dad had died 3 weeks before, but was trying hard to get on with things.

I was late in one day, and felt dreadful because of it - I'd phoned to explain, and I was helpless because the bloomin' tube didn't turn up. Anyway, I got there and all was fine. A male nurse I'd not met before came and introduced himself. He then said - 'You need to go and phone the University, a parent has made a complaint about you'.

Well I tried to keep calm but felt like my world was crashing down around me! My eyes filled with tears before I'd even got out of the room.

Then all the nurses came out and started laughing. It had all been a big joke started by this male nurse. I laughed along with it, but felt sick with anxiety for the rest of the day. He told me (laughing at the time), that a patient had died and he'd tricked a student nurse into believing she had killed this patient. It was at this point that I realised, despite my sensitivity, it was his problem and not mine.

He was struck off not long after that (for reasons unrelated to me thank heavens).

Tonkaboy mentioned working in a high-pressure environment, and I definitely think this doesn't help. And certainly, some people don't care if you burn out, as long as the work is done.

As for avoiding confrontation - definitely. I need to have a meeting with my boss about something. It's something that I want, and I'm sure there is no reason to be worried. But, I can't bring myself to ask for a meeting because if she makes a single negative comment, I will be devastated and end up bawling. I also need to talk to my even-more-senior-boss about my salary, but I haven't got the guts incase she thinks badly of me! Sometimes its just easier to keep your head in the sand, rather than get the slightest negative comment. The last time I saw my most-senior-boss, she snapped at me. From that moment on, I just think she hates me. It's all black and white!

I am due for appraisal, and am dreading it. I know I do ok at work, BUT, if there is a SINGLE negative comment, that will overshadow the whole thing and is all I will focus on.

Do you folks see yourselves as perfectionists?

I agree that us anxious types are generally quite sensitive people. I think we feel both our own and others emotions quite deeply.

Bill - I'm sorry to hear about your self-harming, and can also relate to what you're saying. I am certain that it must have been very difficult when your wife has been acutely ill, and dealing with things she said to you...well it must have been hard to find an outlet for your feelings.

Anyway I'm probably going on so will stop, and wish you all a Happy Sunday xxx:flowers:

[Bill]

Hello again Swan,
That was So cruel that trick they played on you. They obviously thought it was funny but some people have no thought or consideration as to the effect it may have on others. Nasty!

I don't self harm anymore and haven't for quite a few years now. I found that once I eased the aspects causing me the pain, I was more able to cope but that's not to say I don't still carry the pain inside because I do, especially after losing my father but to be honest, I'm not sure it will ever go. It just becomes easier to live with in time but if I turn my mind to other things like posting on here then it helps me because there are such nice people like you who understand!:hugs:

Yes, I'm a perfectionist. I don't let it control me but I do like to get things right so I'm always trying to improve myself.

Try not to be afraid of negative comments Swan. If they're constructive then they're probably helping you to improve on something. None of us are perfect and so there are always things we need to work on. Don't be afraid to ask for what you feel you deserve. The more we push, the more others will listen. Be confident in your own abilities and prove to them just how good you are at your job and how much they should value you. I'm sure that if you feel you deserve more, then you do!
Try not to take their opinions personally because it's probably just their manner, they're under stress or just having a bad day but no one should be snapped at unless it's justified so don't be afraid to stick up for yourself because it'll show to them you're capable!

I'm sure you're a Really good nurse swan because it shows how much you care about others! :hugs:

[heavymind]

I could have typed it. Describes me precisely.