Black/White/Perfectionism

[Bill]

I always used to think in black and white. I used to really struggle with grey areas. I remember saying to my parents that things were either right or wrong but they said to me there are lots of grey areas where reasons can make wrong things right! As I’ve grown older I’ve learnt what they meant that in life if we take the time to understand the reasons behind things then we don’t just take the face value of what something appears to be or mean.

By thinking in black and white we’re rigid and because there’s no flexibility it can add to anxiety through stress and tension because we like certainty which gives us security.

If we learn to relax by not being rigid and allow us to stray from our path of certainty then our anxiety levels can reduce.

In the same way, intensity creates perfectionism which increases stress leading to OCD. By being less intense, more flexible, less perfect and learning to relax by not reacting to worrying thoughts, our anxiety levels become manageable.

For example, if we make everything our own personal responsibility without allowing ourselves other options to ease things, then we have no flexibility. It’s black because we feel We have to do it or white because no one else will, all or nothing without anything in between, then we create too much pressure for ourselves and add to our anxiety.

If something Has to be in a certain place and our intensity doesn’t allow it to be just a faction out then our perfectionism will also create anxiety. We can’t always be perfect so we have to allow ourselves not to be.

When I was at school I used to be so intense that my writing would go through the paper! I wouldn't allow myself to make mistakes. Everything had to be just right and my outlook of life was either black or white, right or just wrong! I was terrible!!!:shrug:

[Anna77]

Hi Bill,

I can relate to what you're saying. I am a perfectionist, and am still, at 30, finding it hard to relax this way of thinking.

Now i tend to feel that if i can't do things right then there's no point trying ot do them at all, which i can see isn't a healthy way of thinking. If there's any kind of pressure then i just can't cope, so this had led to me avoiding things, and this is just ridiculous.

My problem is in learning how to relax! I've tried everything, all to no avail! Any tips??!!

Anna x

[bluebottle]

I had a brief "relationship" recently with someone, I was honest from the start, said I wasn't sure about it, but she said let's play it by ear. So I did and decided it wasn't for me, I told her and she was OK about it. Then I saw my therapist and she said as long as I was honest with this person there was nothing wrong in seeing each other for fun and "whatever". So I told this person this and she said that was OK, she accepted what I was saying, that it was never going to be a relationship or "true love". Anyway, so we met again had a bit of fun and "whatever", but I still wasn't comfortable with it and had to tell this person that I didn't want any kind of involvement and I was sorry but that I had always been honest. Well she got angry, said an old bi-polar boyfriend had messed her around like I had done and I had messed her about. Well its left me feeling absolutely awful. I was always straight, I didn't mess her about, I have spoken to a support worker about this and she has said I had no reason to feel guilty and that this person has obviously got past issues that are influencing her reaction. I go to a few groups this person goes to, and I just want to avoid them now. I feel extremely anxious, the worst I've felt for a long time, I am thinking in catastrophic ways and just want the world to stop or turn the clock back.

Is this my perfectionism? Why am I letting someone else make me feel so awful? Why can't I keep going to these groups? The person seems OK now. Still a little clingy but I'm sure that will pass if I keep my boundaries. I just feel overwhelmed, and I know its my anxiety, but how do I cope with this horrible feeling/situation? I know I need to be adult, keep going to the groups, keep my boundaries, and things always sort themselves out, but I am feeling so very awful.

I feel like you Anna, I didn't get this right and now I feel I can't get anything right and that I'm destined to either dysfunctional relationships or life alone, and I've only known this person 2 weeks!

[Lilith1980]

When I was at school I used to be so intense that my writing would go through the paper! I wouldn't allow myself to make mistakes. Everything had to be just right and my outlook of life was either black or white, right or just wrong! I was terrible!!!:shrug:

I did that too - when I was doing my music coursework I was so intent on getting the notes to look neat on the manuscript that I wore a hole in the paper!

I can totally relate to this and I think one of the things its about is accepting that we all have flaws and we cannot be great at everything. Not everyone will like us, we won't always get things right. But these things do not mean we are worth any less than anyone else, because EVERYONE makes mistakes, NO ONE is perfect, we are all flawed in various ways.

It is about relaxing and being more accepting of our flaws. Our flaws make us unique.

I almost beat myself up about something just now - I had booked a train ticket for my Manager to go to London yesterday but when I had printed off the train times I got them wrong and he got on a train that got him there 20 minutes late. I apologised and he said he should have looked properly at the train times anyway. There was no fuss, no lecture but I felt for a brief second that I had failed and that he thought I was useless. But it was so brief because something kicked in that said "it was a mistake that you will learn from and know for the future, it doesn't make you any less competent".

It wasn't even something I had to force myself to think, it just kicked in and it was great! It shows that even after a week of reading about CBT that things are sinking in :yesyes:

[Lilith1980]

I feel like you Anna, I didn't get this right and now I feel I can't get anything right and that I'm destined to either dysfunctional relationships or life alone, and I've only known this person 2 weeks!

Hi Bluebottle, I don't think you did anything wrong. You were open and honest with this girl. You didn't lead her on, you didn't drag the relationship out longer than need be. You told her the truth from the beginning.

I know how it is to blame everything on yourself but you have done nothing wrong here and it is this girl who has the issue. She said she had an ex boyfriend who mucked her about. The situation with you probably brought back memories of this and triggered her to react the way she did, but that is not your fault.

I think you have to try and realise (we all do) that sometimes things are not your fault. I guess the fact that this girl has issues isn't her fault but they are something she needs to work on. Similarly, you have issues you need to work on but it doesn't make you any less of a person.

My relationship with my fiance is so much more "stable" when I am feeling happier and more comfortable in my skin, which leads me to believe that a lot of the arguing was due to me. Thinking about it though some of my fiance's actions have not helped my anxiety and they were wrong actions on his part but you live and learn from these things. He got some things wrong and I could have reacted better to them instead of thinking our relationship was doomed. The best thing to do is take these experiences forward with you and learn where you went wrong.

But getting things wrong does not mean you are uselss, or worth less. We are only human, we are not perfect.

[dawny]

blue bottle

wow....least you didn't just text her or ignore her like most

you were open and honest, and the problem lies with her and not you.

dont feel guilty you sound like a good person.

i only see black and white in people......i judge and thats it, my mind is set,so if it didnt feel right, then you have done the right think

well done

dawny

[bluebottle]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I have just received a letter inviting me an interview to be a Police Special. Its next Sunday! I just can't see me doing this. I am being supported by a company that helps people with disabilities get back to work, and they think I can do it, and when I'm on top of things I think I can do it, but when I'm in this anxiety state I don't feel I can even face the day. I am angry. I am letting other people control how I feel, and that is good and bad. I want to look after myself, stop being a feather in a storm. I am sick of this.

I remember my Mother being distraught when her neighbour was mean to her. Her neighbour is an alcoholic and idiot, yet she allowed her emotions to be controlled. So I obviously have learnt that criticism/conflict is unbearable. I understand this, and I want to change it, forever!

[PUGLETMUM]

:) bluebottle,

i think that this is lowself-esteem talking here and lack of confidence?

only a few short weeks ago i was still (after 2 years of on/off anxiety) letting things get on top of me. but not anymore, you need to live your life for you not for sombody else or because of somebody else.you need to put these anxieties away about this girl and KNOW that you didnt do anything wrong and accept wha tyou rsupport workers are saying, beleive me if they thought you had done anything wrong you would have been told!! now youve got the opportunity to do something and you are going to waituntil your anxiety goes down?!?! it wont go down by avoiding,first it will go up and then it will stay high for a while and then it will start to lowerif you dont demand it to goaway.you sound as though you are starting out with anxiety and when you take things on and they dont work out, you are giving yourself a really hard time? why are you doing this to yourself/ you are human and you are allowed to make mistakes! and so is everybody else:winks:

i would say you are making some thinking errors here but until you knowhow to identify them you cant tackle them, and yes you are letting people control how you feel and ive done tha tfor years and years.you will get alot further when youve got the ability to SEE what is someone elses s*** and wha tis yours:yesyes:

[Bill]

Hi all,
Anna, my brother is a really good artist. I asked him why he doesn’t draw anymore. He said there’s no point because he considers his drawing not good enough! I think they’re brilliant but he won’t listen.

A long time back in an office I used to work, it was decided that a job I was doing manually would be put on computer but in doing so, a lot of the detail I was manually writing on these forms wouldn’t be needed. To me it felt like I was cutting corners so not doing my job properly. I was then asked by the boss why I’d completed so few forms compared to others. I told him how I felt and he reacted telling me he took it personally. I felt under more stress to do something that wasn’t in my nature. I later resigned.

At another place of work I felt under stress, I wouldn’t allow myself to make a mistake so instead of tippexing something out, I’d re-write the whole form I was completing. My boss saw me one day and another roasting resulted!

All my perfectionism was stress related. When I didn’t feel stressed, I was able to not be so precise. Everyone should do things “right”. It’s being conscientious. We take pride in doing a good job but we shouldn’t take it to extremes by dotting every “i” etc. Sometimes it’s how we perceive our own work just like my brother. If you can think as the customer or boss would think, think to yourself what they would consider to be a good job rather than your own standards, it may help you to not go to extremes. Stress pays a big part too. The less stress we’re put under, the better we perform so look at ways to reduce stress around you. It’s difficult to suggest directly without examples of the pressures you’re put under. One other thing is to work on your “intensity”. Just like Lilith1980 says about pressing through paper! That’s intenseness where we put ourselves under pressure. Ease up on yourself. Just try not to get tensed up. At work, walk out the room, take a break, pop in the loo and just sit for a while, have a cuppa! Anything really, just to break the tension inside you. At home, give yourself more relaxation time but not necessarily just sitting around. You can relax by doing things you enjoy that take your mind away from feeling pressure.:hugs:

Bluebottle, as the others have said, you did nothing wrong. You were upfront and honest and laid all the cards on the table. This lady felt hurt because she was hoping and wanting more than you could give. It wasn’t anything you did. It was her own aspirations and it was the hurt from her previous relationship that was actually talking. She would have reacted the same with anyone else if they had said they couldn’t give what she desired. Sometimes things just don’t work out and yet we often feel rejection so have to take it out on the partner as she did on you but she’ll come to terms in time and move on with her life just as you will. Don’t beat yourself up. I can see her reasons but you’ve done nothing wrong. Just one of those things!:shrug: