Hospital

[Dying_Swan]

And me aswell :hugs::hugs::hugs:

xxx :flowers:

[kate]

Has anyone heard from Karen recently?

Kate

[kazzie]

Notfor days Kate no:weep:

Sent her a postcard in the week but dont know if she got it:shrug:

I guess Meg or Nigel would let us know if any drastic change had occured:shrug:

Hope so cos Im about to post her some more bits

Kaz x xx :hugs:

[kate]

Thanks, Kazzie, hopefully someone can let us know something soon.

Kate x

[Karen]

Thanks for the messages. Sorry the situation here has deteriorated significantly and it means I am not able to get online much at all now.

Kazzie - thanks for the postcard -yes I did received it.

Thank you for all the card and letters and gifts. It all helps thank you.

Paddie - Thank you so much for phoning me this week - you have been a star.

Basically things have gone so far downhill that I am very distressed and distraught. Since I have been at this EDU my progress has been held back and now I am being held back even more.

During this past week I was accused of water loading and using 'behavours' to manipulate my weight because my weight was high last week and dipped (very slightly) this week. Other 'reasons' for accusations where that I had a plastic cup in my room and that I wasn't anxious about the weight gain last week.

So I've been put on one to one observation since Friday afternoon. That means I have a member of staff sitting at the entrance to my bedroom door 24 hours a day and I cannot go anywhere alone. I am still in the wheelchair and back on bed rest.

Things are getting worse here and I cannot see how I will ever get out of here. It all looks hopeless to me at present and I don't think there is a way out. I feel so alone in my fight against this too.

I started knitting again to pass time but have run out of wool now. My days are so long and degrading and I cannot sleep at night. I wanted to pay to go private anywhere except here but I cannot afford more than a couple of days but that is how desperate I am to get out.

[kazzie]

Hi Karen:hugs:

Its not easy hunny I know:hugs:

But you must kick edie up the bum once and for all:hugs:

Please look at the postcard I sent you of Glasto and know you can do it:D

Anyhow got another little parcel for you soon!!!!

You are going to make it hunny:hugs:

Luv Kaz x xx :hugs:

[Jimbo]

Karen, angel, :hugs:

I know you are in the best place and they are doing their best to help you. It is hard for you to see that at the moment, but I know you will.

Jim :hugs:

[sandlin]

Hey Karen What sort of wool do you want, im quite happy to send you some


Linda xx

[Karen]

Thanks Linda.

I've been using double ply acrylic wool I think. Anything gratefully received. It helps with distraction. I'm using pinks, cream, lilac, light blues - those kinds of colours.

Worried I won't ever get off one to one and this is only one step away from being sectioned. I'll be here months. When I was admitted to hospital in December I thought it would only be for a couple of weeks and I've been in for about 6 weeks already with no hope of discharge.

No one is willing to help plead my case and I will be here for months. I've got no hope of getting out of this place.

[Jimbo]

Karen hun,:hugs:

I'll go in my usual honest style.

It sounds like you are feeling so unhappy because you have lost that control over your weight and you are now gaining. I think it's normal that you would feel unhappy about that, the anorexia is going to make you feel awful. Try to realise that you aren't unhappy with the EDU, you are unhappy that you have lost that control.

You say you are distressed and distraught, you can talk about why you are feeling like that?


I don't know how bad things got, but if your BMI has only just reached somewhere near 16 you must have been a very ill girl. Getting much lower than that is doing serious damage to your body and would ultimately result in you dieing. I couldn't bare that thought.

I think that if you were to leave today. You would go back to controlling your weight and start the cycle of losing all over again.

I understand why no-one will support you in leaving, because they know that too. Everyone wants you alive and well.

Does that make sense?




During this past week I was accused of water loading and using 'behavours' to manipulate my weight because my weight was high last week and dipped (very slightly) this week. Other 'reasons' for accusations where that I had a plastic cup in my room and that I wasn't anxious about the weight gain last week.


Is that true?


The best advice I can give is to try not to think about when you might leave. Coming back out to the world and it's stresses is going to be very very hard in itself. Now you need to try to engage with what they want you to do. And most important be honest with them and yourself. They know how to spot a lie a mile off in these places and they expect it.

With time and routine, you will forget about your weight and start thinking about living again.

Don't stop talking Karen, we are here for you.

Jim :hugs:

[nomorepanic]

Karen

Hi and sorry for not replying for so long but I have been reading the post to keep updated.

Do you have a Nintendo or similar? Some of the brain training games on them are excellent and will keep your mind stimulated as well as give you something to focus on.

Do you remember Jess playing with mine at the conference?

[Dying_Swan]

Hey Karen :hugs:

Hun I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. Jim is right though - I know none of it is what you want to hear, but ultimately, it's for your own good I am certain (I sound like an old parent now).

I have some wool knocking about - although some bits are quite fine (3ply maybe?) I'll happily send you some if you'd like it. Is there anything else you'd like?

Keep plodding on Karen. We're all wishing you well

xxx :flowers:

[happyone]

Hi Karen,
just popping by to say 'hello' and that I am still thinking of you. I spoke to Lillibet via text and she was asking for you too.
Happyone
xxx

[sandlin]

wool getting sorted-will send asap

Lindaxx

[samc100]

Hugs Karen

I know you don't want to hear this but I think the hospital must think you are one incrediably ill person at the moment if they are not willing to allow you leave.

Please keep trying to talk to them Karen. Although it doesn't seem like it they do want to help you - just like us lot.

Sending you lots of love and hugs and thinking of you lots xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[kazzie]

Karen:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Kaz x x x:hugs:

[belle]

Hi Karen..

I know how it feels to not have control over the weight gain. Since i was admitted into hospital in November due to the laxative abuse on my heart, i simply had NO choice other than eat or die. I was not underweight, but the damage i have done to myself internally was killing me.

I don't know if i have gained weight, i expect i have but i don't weigh myself to find out. Knowing that i HAD to stop using laxatives was so scary, that had been my life for 19 years and i'd forgotten how to be "normal". 8 weeks on, i have forgotten about it, i have no need to take anything. I am doing much better without the pills, unfortunately its also left me with chronic and very painful IBS.

I was convinced even 3 months ago i would be bulimic forever, you CAN recover from this Karen. It's not a nice way to go about it, but as its been said before, its only happening for the sake of your health, no one is out to hurt you although it may seem like it.

I wish you very well..... :)

x

[Karen]

Thanks for the replies.

Actually I am not as ill now as some people think, particularly not compared to how I have been it is just that the staff here do not know me and they want everyone to be a 'normal' BMI but I don't think intend staying here that long.

I know they want to keep me here to achieve that but I hope to get a CPA and to get agreement that I get discharged at a lower BMI.

I'm still on one to one and in the wheelchair. Bed rest got lifted to room rest again today which was a step forward. However, unfortunately after that there was another turn for the worse when something else came back to haunt me and I doubt I'll get off one to one for some time now.

I have moved room and am not sharing anymore but that is only so they can keep a closer eye on me. I also feel guilty because my previous room mate now has had to move into the small part of the room I used to sleep in whereas I now have a bigger room to myself. I wasn't given a choice but I still feel bad because she has been so upset.

I'm feeling upset today too because of something a friend wrote to me yesterday and I am worried about a financial matter. I think I might've been unwise with placing trust in someone.

Nic - I do have a Gameboy but cannot find the charger and the battery has died on me. It is annoying as I have games for it but cannot use it.

Bluebell - I am glad you are recovering from bulimia. I realise this is not at all easy and takes a lot of courage and determination.

I still cannot believe I am in this situation again and have no sight of freedom or going home. I want to get out of here as soon as possible.

Karen xxx

[kazzie]

Sounds like you are making progress Karen:yesyes:

I know you dont think so:lac:

Will post you another little pressie in the week:yesyes:

Take care mate:hugs:

Kaz x x x:hugs:

[belle]

Thank You Karen :)

x

[Tabatha]

Karen

I have been reading your story for a while now and I found myself wanting to know how you are doing each week. I think this is because we never want to hear that people are having a rough time of it at the moment, so we want to help.

Keep up with the good work and you will get there in the end, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

When my brain goes overactive I paint my toe nails. Sounds silly but concentrating helps me relax slightly, have you tried that?

:hugs:

[Paddington]

hi hun:hugs: will phone you later to catch up:flowers: .Love Paddie.xxxxxxxxxxx

[Pink Panic]

Hi Karen,

I have been following your thread and just wanted to send you some hugs. :hugs:

I saw you say that you lost your charger for your Gameboy? If it's a Nintendo Gameboy then i think my daughter has a spare charger as she uses the same charger for her DS and Gameboy but will check when she gets back from School. If she does then i will be happy to post it to you hun. Or i can post it to someone on here if you prefer and they can pass it on to you as i realise you don't know me.

Hope things get better for you soon :hugs:

Love
Pink
xxx

[Karen]

Paddie - Thanks for the phone calls hun. You are a life saver. Sorry if I can't speak as freely as usual but it is difficult on one to one with a member of staff listening all of the time.

Pink - Thanks. Mine is a Nintendo Gameboy. I have several games like Scrabble and Monopoly that I could play if I had a charger.

I'm trying to keep my spirits up but it is hard when I am stuck on one to one and don't know how long for. I want to go home so much now and days here are so long. I really want my freedom and independence back now.

Karen xx

[samc100]

Which Ninetendo is it - the Colour or advanced one? Only asking as I have some games for a ninetendo gameboy somewhere and I can check if they suit yours?

Hope you ok Karen xxxx

[Paddington]

hi hun:hugs: i enjoy our chin wags..putting the world to rights lol!!Hey ii have entered the race for life today Karen:ohmy: Now I MUST excercise:ohmy: :blush: My Daughter is doing it with me too:D Speak to you soon.Love Paddiexxxxxxxx

[jodie]

thinking about you karen

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

jodie xxx

[Karen]

Good luck with it Paddie!

Thanks Jodie.

Karen xx

[Piglet]

Hi ya hun,

Just to let you know that I will be putting something in the post to you today or tomorrow. I've found a really good service I didn't know existed on Royal Mail - you can print out your own stamp. :yesyes:

You open up an account with them by paying some money which can be as small as £3.50 into your account and then you can just select the right stamp for the situation - how very clever is that!!! I do have to have it in the post by the end of day tomorrow, so there is a time limit but never the less, very handy for the agoraphobic at home!!!:yesyes: I quite like the night time walk to a post box it's just the standing in a post office queue that I have to be in the mood for.

Hope you are having a good day button.:hugs:

Love Piglet :flowers:

[Paddington]

hi hun:hugs: soz i havent phoned today..feel a bit icky:lac: hope you are ok and will defo call next week:D Love paddie.xxxxxxxx

[Karen]

Thanks very much Piglet. How exciting to receive pressies! It is very kind of you.

Paddie - No worries hun. I hope you feel better.

Finally able to stop using the wheelchair!! I am still on room rest and have to use the lift.

Upset that I am still on one to one obs though.

Karen xx

[sandlin]

http://www.free-animations.co.uk/art/images/art_13.gifGot you some wool and other bits. Will post some tomorrow and the others when collected from my mother in law

Linda xx

[Karen]

Thank you Linda.

Piglet - Thanks for your card and the pressie.

I'm feeling very low and upset right now. My weight is increasing and my BMI is now 16 so I no longer feel the need to be in hospital and yet I am trapped here.

Yesterday I did do something stupid. I had chocolate hidden here and one of the health care assitants found it. Ever since then I've been made to feel like a criminal and like I have committed the worst crime ever. I thought everyone wanted me to ear.

I know I did wrong but now I am paying for it big time. I cannot even use the toilet in private - they insist I leave the door ajar and they keep checking on me. All my old urinary problems are recurring now. I haven't been left with any dignity or self worth at all after being here.

I am desperate to discharge myself. I have a CPA in 3 weeks but I cannot wait that long and I am not sure that I will get discharged then. I am desperate to go home.

Karen xxx

[Dying_Swan]

Hey Karen :hugs:

What is a CPA?

I'm sorry to hear it continues to be a struggle. May I ask why you had hidden the chocolate? I am sure they do want you to eat, but I suppose they want you to eat a healthy, balanced diet to slowly increase your weight, rather than chocolate :blush: I guess they probably also want to monitor what you are eating at the moment.

I don't want to go on at you, but 16 is still a very low BMI and I would think all your Doctors will want it to be a fair bit higher than that until they consider you for discharge. I imagine it is also not just about weight, but about an attitude and relationship with food. I don't really know though so won't speculate.

I am sorry they are still supervising you so closely. Try to work with them though hun and then hopefully they won't have to.

Big hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs: hang in there.

xxx :flowers:

[Piglet]

:hugs:

Love Piglet :flowers:

[joy]

piglet are you ok, you are very quiet

Joy

[Karen]

Thanks Piglet.

Dying Swan - A CPA is a care plan assessment. These are meetings with the staff here and my home CMHT, GP, me and anyone else involved in my care or support.

Unfortunately my GP cannot attend and neither can anyone else I have asked to come for support. I feel rather outnumbered by the professionals that are going to be at this meeting but I want to secure an early discharge date.

I hid the chocolate because I felt ashamed and it is against the rules to eat non prescribed food. Talk about giving people with an eating disorder even more hang ups about food. The number of staff who have quizzed me about it since yesterday has made a huge issue out of it.


I don't want to go on at you, but 16 is still a very low BMI and I would think all your Doctors will want it to be a fair bit higher than that until they consider you for discharge.
I hope not. I want to go home now. I keep telling them that. I cannot bear being here any longer. It is driving me mad.

My BMI is almost 16 and I am still on room rest and have to use the lift. I haven't been out anywhere since my admission here. I could develop worse agoraphobia problems again at this rate. At present I feel I have confidence to go out but that will fade.

I risk becoming institutionalised from being here for so long.

Karen xx

[Dying_Swan]

Awww Karen hun :hugs:

As much as I want you to get better, it does sound pretty horrid. I guess you just have to keep trying to believe that it is all for your own good (at risk of sounding like my mother!)

I can see how not being able to go out would have a big effect - I know it would on me. Do you think they could take you outside, albeit just in a wheelchair? I know that probably sounds awful, but it might help a little. Or even just opening the windows to get some fresh air.

I agree that making a huge issue out of the chocolate bar is probably not a good idea. It has happened, you won't do it again and there should be no more said about it.

The trouble is, I suppose, that these places have their own rules and boundaries which seem very harsh, but they are probably evidence-based etc.

I really hope that the CPA goes well for you and you find it more supportive than you imagine.

Take good care of yourself :hugs::hugs::hugs:

xxx :flowers:

[Piglet]

:hugs: to Karen.

Joy I am feng shui-ing the house hun!!! :yesyes:

Love Piglet :flowers:

[Jimbo]

Hey Karen, :hugs:

I've not forgotten about you, just been fighting my own battle recently.

I really want you to be feeling better about things. Have a hug.
:bighug1:

The trouble is hun, I'm not sure that you are ready to leave just yet, so I am hoping that you stay in for a bit longer. I think it will help, even though you don't want that.

Jim :hugs:

[sandlin]

karen if you read this do you still want wool as i now have 2 bags full/ Or if anyone in touch with her can they let me know please.

Linda x

[Piglet]

As far as I know the answer to that is yes hun and I'm just about to do the same.

Love Piglet:flowers:

[kazzie]

Hi Karen:hugs:

Im soooooo sorry I havent sent your parcel yet but been poorly but will do it this week!!!

Hope you are hanging in there:hugs:

Kaz xx x:hugs:

[Paddington]

Hi Karen..hope all goes well today hun..and thank you again for your txts and support while i was in London..and you too piglet:hugs: :hugs: i could not have done it without you two:hugs: Love Paddie.xxxxxxxxxxx

[mirry]

Hey Karen , I cant imagine how fed up you must be, being there still , but as people say , work with them so you can get yourself home soon.
What are you knitting by the way ? anything nice ?

[Karen]

Thank you to everyone who has replied and supported me :hugs:

I have started a new thread here (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?p=302429)