View Full Version : Alone tonight
Okay, this is really stupid but I love you people and could do with some support here.
Historically, I have a bad history of separation anxiety; if my husband was out late at night, I'd suffer violent panic attacks and, 18 years ago at the start of our relationship, sometimes this would lead to self-harm. Eventually, and I'm wretchedly ashamed of this, he mostly stopped going out.
Nearly two decades later and I have a much better grip on my mental health. Tonight, Mr. Iris is going out to work at the election. I couldn't do it because of work commitments, and he's going to be back way, way past my bedtime.
I'm not (that) frightened of something happening to him while he's out - well, okay, I am quite a bit - but I'm really terrified of the panic attack I might get. I know it's irrational (which is why I encouraged him to do it) but I'm really afraid of my own reactions here. He'll be leaving around the time I normally turn in; haven't decided whether to go to bed as normal or snooze on the couch where I can have the cats for company. My gut instinct is just to go to bed in the usual way because seriously, this is absolutely not a big deal at all and I probably shouldn't be treating it as such.
Anxiety is evil and I hate it, and I'll be so much happier when this is all over.
I think you should stick to your routine and go to bed as usual so that you are not dealing with even more changes..Yes it IS a big deal to you and it matters so I think you should do all you can to just accept this and not be self-critical? You may find that you just go to sleep and wake up when he is back and it'll all be over. That would be ideal.
Have you made a plan as to how to cope with a panic attack? You're the expert on this..You'll know the reason why. You are in control of it,not it of you.
It sounds so easy but of course it's not..Don't hate your anxiety because this won't help. You do such a lot in your daily life which others can't envisage..Tonight will be a challenge but it will pass and tomorrow will be here and you will have got through it..:hugs:
Thanks, Pulisa. I've got a few coping strategies in place in the event of a panic attack - breathing exercises, obviously, then listening to a podcast or playing games on my phone. Trying to avoid inviting the cats into bed because the kitten has an unfortunate habit of bedwetting, but that'll be a last resort as they're really good company.
ankietyjoe
06-05-21, 10:17
Hey Blue. I really do remember that fear of being alone, but do you think you could try and turn it into something else? Maybe look at it as a challenge. You already know that a panic attack itself isn't dangerous and just 'sensation'. You know that intellectually, but what you're fearing now is part of that panic attack process. In some respects, the attack has already started, right?
I would challenge your internal dialogue starting now and just repeat to yourself that you know how to cope with and respond to panic, and if it happens it happens.
This place is here if you need it too :)
You're right, Joe, I've been low-key wound up about this for about a fortnight, and in some ways I feel as though it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Obviously I'm not getting the physical symptoms yet, but I keep on visualising waking up in the middle of the night and feeling sick from terror.
I'm trying to tell myself that this is only a big deal because I'm turning it into one; panic attacks are normally a pain in the backside, but for some reason I'm trying to convince myself that this is the actual end of the f***ing world and my husband will get murdered on the way home from the stadium where he's portering.
Honestly, though, having this place here is wonderful, because when I do feel as though I'm losing it I can actually be honest with you lot, and myself.
ankietyjoe
06-05-21, 10:59
Trust me, eventually you'll revel and relish the thought of being alone and having time to yourself lol.
This is the ironic thing; in daylight hours I love being able to watch bad TV without anybody grousing at me ;) Side note, going to stay firmly decaffeinated today barring one can of fizz and maybe a green tea. Husband put a bar of Bournville in my bag but that stuff, lovely as it is, tends to trigger the sort of palps that won't play well with a panic attack.
ankietyjoe
06-05-21, 11:10
Oh yeah I avoid chocolate even now. I still don't like having several hours of 'the thuds'.
Exactly, they're not frightening but they're also not in the least bit conducive to drifting off to sleep.
Trust me, eventually you'll revel and relish the thought of being alone and having time to yourself lol.
I entirely agree, I used to have your issue Blue very very badly, but in the last 10 years I love time alone at night. I get a good sleep, do my own thing, treat and spoil myself and generally have a good time. I would suggest that you make a plan now - a mental plan of what you are going to be doing/achieving and a structure for the evening. This is what I used to do at the start of my husband going away for time (sometimes a couple of weeks). You can add in lots of nice things you enjoy, read for 30 mins, have a bath, water the plants blah blah........with structure and plans time can pass really quickly. Panic attacks - meh - yeah, if it does then its just a panic attack, pass over it and carry on. If you can't sleep, then don't, play games on a device, watch telly, a night of less sleep won't hurt. You can work on turning this into a fun pleasant thing, rather than a scary awful thing by retraining how you view that time alone.
I'm definitely going to plan my time. I think he'll be leaving around 8.30, and my normal routine is to turn in at 9, spend 20-30 minutes doing Polish on Duolingo, watch a couple of YouTube videos and then either put music or rainfall sounds on.
Tonight, I want to be a good wife and stay up late making him a plum crumble, but realistically, it's not happening. Might spend a bit of extra sofa time, though, and watch a film before bed, and might take my chances with the kitten and her bladder.
Hi Blue, I know exactly how you feel about this scenario as I have been trying to deal with this fear myself for quite sometime. Its more the fear of becoming panicky and resulting in a full on panic attack and being alone to deal with it.
Personally I would keep your evening as normal and natural as possible. But I would keep your evening full as possible. A notepad with what programmes you might watch, people to call, maybe your crafting, etc might help.
And if you need some company later on, I'll be in chat room tonight from 10.30pm onwards. Please don't hesitate to join me and a few others.
Carn x
Thanks for the invitation, Carnation; if I'm awake, I'll definitely hop on.
It will be a safety net for your Blue and it will be nice to see you if you can't sleep. x
Sorry to hear you are feeling so apprehensive. However, you have some great activities lined up to manage the situation. It might be an idea to watch a movie on tv and delay bedtime a little. I find a hot bath last thing at night helps me to relax.
Nothing bad is going to happen to your husband - he must be v precious to you. Think of the nice breakfast you can have together the next day and catch up on each others news!
There are plenty of people on this site who will be thinking of you & wishing you well tonight
Okay, so, we spent most of the afternoon thinking he wasn't going because he hadn't received a pass, but apparently that's not going to be necessary as he can pick it up when he gets there.
I've made him a spiced plum crumble, though, and we've agreed I get to have the cats in bed with me even though the kitten can't be completely trusted not to piss there.
Now, I just need to remind myself I've had coffee and chocolate today, and not watch any more episodes of the horror series I was mainlining.
...They'll pry my true crime podcasts out of my cold dead hands, though.
That spiced plum crumble sounds good :yesyes:
Let me know if you want my recipe? I'll happily share.
Sorry I missed this earlier.
Hope you’re doing ok and you’ve had a nice evening so far.
Also hope you don’t wake up in soggy kitten wee duvet, but it’s a small price to pay for kitten smooshes.
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That's nice of you Blue, but I'm too lazy to make :D
He's home. I was awake for a bit before he got back, but no panic, just the kitten running laps. I put a podcast on.
Once he got in I made us both a hot drink, and now I'm going to get a few more hours' sleep. Pretty proud of myself for being as sensible about this as I knew I could be.
I'm glad it wasn't as bad as you had anticipated and that's another challenge done and dusted! Good for you.
Sounds like you successfully got through your period of being alone yesterday evening, with nothing untoward happening to either yourself or your husband.
Usually the fear is worse than the reality.
Well done lovely x
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Thanks all. Feel like death this morning from lack of sleep, but that's hardly the end of the world. Working in town today so I may sneak out for a restorative lunchtime kebab.
LittleLionMan
07-05-21, 09:25
Well done Blue! x
ankietyjoe
07-05-21, 10:45
Congrats in success!
Thanks all. Feel like death this morning from lack of sleep, but that's hardly the end of the world. Working in town today so I may sneak out for a restorative lunchtime kebab.
Go for it, can't beat a nice Doner!
I did, and it was LOVELY. The college campus is right next to one of the poorer parts of town; I just picked up a couple of naans for tonight's tea; total cost a pound and they were cooked in front of me. After that, I got a big tub of freshly-grilled chicken, rice and veggies. Feeling like a human being again now.
I did, and it was LOVELY. The college campus is right next to one of the poorer parts of town; I just picked up a couple of naans for tonight's tea; total cost a pound and they were cooked in front of me. After that, I got a big tub of freshly-grilled chicken, rice and veggies. Feeling like a human being again now.
Glad it went ok, I love naan bread x
I did, and it was LOVELY. The college campus is right next to one of the poorer parts of town; I just picked up a couple of naans for tonight's tea; total cost a pound and they were cooked in front of me. After that, I got a big tub of freshly-grilled chicken, rice and veggies. Feeling like a human being again now.
Yum!
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He's home. I was awake for a bit before he got back, but no panic, just the kitten running laps. I put a podcast on.
Once he got in I made us both a hot drink, and now I'm going to get a few more hours' sleep. Pretty proud of myself for being as sensible about this as I knew I could be.
Hey great to hear BI! Sounds as if you had a nice little time for "yourself"! And I hope a somewhat feeling of satisfaction too!:yesyes:
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