Ivy
10-11-07, 20:44
hi everyone, i'm still fairly new, and am having a really rough time at the moment and dont know what else to do.
i've been training proffesionally to be a dancer for the last 3 years, wich in itself is incredibly stressful as performing and looking up in class is hell for me, but i love dancing and its the only thing i can really do, so no other job options for me! have had quite a horrible time recently, anxiety and depression seems to have just got out of hand. Do you think its possible to just put things away and then they all come up at the same time?
my life: family moved around alot till i was 5, lots of different countries and houses, but i think problems started when i was 5, my sister was born and was incredibly ill (nearly died) so no one had time for me, wich is understanable but not when your 5! from then on my parents kind of unintentionally ignored me, and gave lots of attention to my sister whilst growing up (they're very protective of her). My auntie died when i was 7, wich was incredibly distressing she was one person who gave me time. My dad was never around he worked abroad and only came home rarely, cant remember him when i was little that much except when he started swearing you had to run for your life! and that he brought us chocolate! my mom was very fustrated with her life, and took it out on me and my sister, i managed to protect my sister all but once when she got hit wich to this day feels awful. was always a quiet worried child and started self harming around the age of 7. as a teenager had a terrible relationship with my mom, had eating disorders and my self harm got worse, along with drug use and drinking, none of wich my mom really noticed, apart from the drugs wich was only because she wanted some i think! eventually left home at 18, think i waited as long as possible for my sisters sake. moved up north got bullied really badly by one of my housemates, then moved to further north where i got raped and had sexual harrasment at work. After a year my boyfriend moved up wich has been good apart from the fact he doesnt understand anything. and in march i misscarried wich was awful and caused huge problems between us. i know its incredibly hard for him to live with me, he's had to deal first hand with me being to scared to meet his friends, self harm, and several suicide attempts. hate myself for being like this for him. but still dont understand how he can be so mean sometimes. thers also been several deaths of friends and family since ive moved away. anyways i've just had to leave college because everythings got so bad and am hoping to sort things out so i can go back and resit 3rd year. i dont know how to do it tho, was on escilitopramen for a year wich hasnt helped and no docters listen to me, its like im a complete waste of space and it would be better if i did just go throw myself off a bridge, so i dont know whats really wrong with me and cant get help, it sucks. i am going back to my moms for a while, wich is incredibly scary as despite our relationship being mended now, i cant stand the thought of her seeing me like this, as she will feel guilty, but shes the only person i know strong enough to help me out, but im so scared ill f**k her up like i have everyone else. i'm also really anxious about telling my classmates that im leaving coz it will involve me standing up and tallking infront of the class and lots of questions i wont answer. im also terrified my mom will find this somehow and get mad at me, hope you dont think shes horrible by what i've said because she is amazing and has a lot to deal with in her life too!
am so sorry this is so long (even tho its a very breif description of things)
thanks if youve manged to read the whole thing!
xxx
This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter
i've been training proffesionally to be a dancer for the last 3 years, wich in itself is incredibly stressful as performing and looking up in class is hell for me, but i love dancing and its the only thing i can really do, so no other job options for me! have had quite a horrible time recently, anxiety and depression seems to have just got out of hand. Do you think its possible to just put things away and then they all come up at the same time?
my life: family moved around alot till i was 5, lots of different countries and houses, but i think problems started when i was 5, my sister was born and was incredibly ill (nearly died) so no one had time for me, wich is understanable but not when your 5! from then on my parents kind of unintentionally ignored me, and gave lots of attention to my sister whilst growing up (they're very protective of her). My auntie died when i was 7, wich was incredibly distressing she was one person who gave me time. My dad was never around he worked abroad and only came home rarely, cant remember him when i was little that much except when he started swearing you had to run for your life! and that he brought us chocolate! my mom was very fustrated with her life, and took it out on me and my sister, i managed to protect my sister all but once when she got hit wich to this day feels awful. was always a quiet worried child and started self harming around the age of 7. as a teenager had a terrible relationship with my mom, had eating disorders and my self harm got worse, along with drug use and drinking, none of wich my mom really noticed, apart from the drugs wich was only because she wanted some i think! eventually left home at 18, think i waited as long as possible for my sisters sake. moved up north got bullied really badly by one of my housemates, then moved to further north where i got raped and had sexual harrasment at work. After a year my boyfriend moved up wich has been good apart from the fact he doesnt understand anything. and in march i misscarried wich was awful and caused huge problems between us. i know its incredibly hard for him to live with me, he's had to deal first hand with me being to scared to meet his friends, self harm, and several suicide attempts. hate myself for being like this for him. but still dont understand how he can be so mean sometimes. thers also been several deaths of friends and family since ive moved away. anyways i've just had to leave college because everythings got so bad and am hoping to sort things out so i can go back and resit 3rd year. i dont know how to do it tho, was on escilitopramen for a year wich hasnt helped and no docters listen to me, its like im a complete waste of space and it would be better if i did just go throw myself off a bridge, so i dont know whats really wrong with me and cant get help, it sucks. i am going back to my moms for a while, wich is incredibly scary as despite our relationship being mended now, i cant stand the thought of her seeing me like this, as she will feel guilty, but shes the only person i know strong enough to help me out, but im so scared ill f**k her up like i have everyone else. i'm also really anxious about telling my classmates that im leaving coz it will involve me standing up and tallking infront of the class and lots of questions i wont answer. im also terrified my mom will find this somehow and get mad at me, hope you dont think shes horrible by what i've said because she is amazing and has a lot to deal with in her life too!
am so sorry this is so long (even tho its a very breif description of things)
thanks if youve manged to read the whole thing!
xxx
This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter