very long and probably boring, but need to get things off my chest i think.

[Ivy]

hi everyone, i'm still fairly new, and am having a really rough time at the moment and dont know what else to do.
i've been training proffesionally to be a dancer for the last 3 years, wich in itself is incredibly stressful as performing and looking up in class is hell for me, but i love dancing and its the only thing i can really do, so no other job options for me! have had quite a horrible time recently, anxiety and depression seems to have just got out of hand. Do you think its possible to just put things away and then they all come up at the same time?
my life: family moved around alot till i was 5, lots of different countries and houses, but i think problems started when i was 5, my sister was born and was incredibly ill (nearly died) so no one had time for me, wich is understanable but not when your 5! from then on my parents kind of unintentionally ignored me, and gave lots of attention to my sister whilst growing up (they're very protective of her). My auntie died when i was 7, wich was incredibly distressing she was one person who gave me time. My dad was never around he worked abroad and only came home rarely, cant remember him when i was little that much except when he started swearing you had to run for your life! and that he brought us chocolate! my mom was very fustrated with her life, and took it out on me and my sister, i managed to protect my sister all but once when she got hit wich to this day feels awful. was always a quiet worried child and started self harming around the age of 7. as a teenager had a terrible relationship with my mom, had eating disorders and my self harm got worse, along with drug use and drinking, none of wich my mom really noticed, apart from the drugs wich was only because she wanted some i think! eventually left home at 18, think i waited as long as possible for my sisters sake. moved up north got bullied really badly by one of my housemates, then moved to further north where i got raped and had sexual harrasment at work. After a year my boyfriend moved up wich has been good apart from the fact he doesnt understand anything. and in march i misscarried wich was awful and caused huge problems between us. i know its incredibly hard for him to live with me, he's had to deal first hand with me being to scared to meet his friends, self harm, and several suicide attempts. hate myself for being like this for him. but still dont understand how he can be so mean sometimes. thers also been several deaths of friends and family since ive moved away. anyways i've just had to leave college because everythings got so bad and am hoping to sort things out so i can go back and resit 3rd year. i dont know how to do it tho, was on escilitopramen for a year wich hasnt helped and no docters listen to me, its like im a complete waste of space and it would be better if i did just go throw myself off a bridge, so i dont know whats really wrong with me and cant get help, it sucks. i am going back to my moms for a while, wich is incredibly scary as despite our relationship being mended now, i cant stand the thought of her seeing me like this, as she will feel guilty, but shes the only person i know strong enough to help me out, but im so scared ill f**k her up like i have everyone else. i'm also really anxious about telling my classmates that im leaving coz it will involve me standing up and tallking infront of the class and lots of questions i wont answer. im also terrified my mom will find this somehow and get mad at me, hope you dont think shes horrible by what i've said because she is amazing and has a lot to deal with in her life too!
am so sorry this is so long (even tho its a very breif description of things)
thanks if youve manged to read the whole thing!
xxx



This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter

[Ivy]

oh yeah and sorry if this is posted in the wrond place, didnt know where to put it! xxx

[mynameis]

Well Ivy, first of all, don't apologise ! I think you already know by now that you've had your fair share of pain, heartache & grief. You are probably aware also, that it's simply not a matter of just pulling yourself together. I've found, through bitter experience, that events in the past have to be left in the past. I don't mean by that, that you should look forward and not back (far from it), but instead try to accept that those painful events have happened and cannot be erased. We have physical scars as well as mental ones, and although we don't want the physical scars either, we learn to adapt, to live with them. I draw strength from the fact that I'm still here no matter what life as thrown at me, and I take great comfort knowing that I have more good memories than bad ones. Myself personally, I think my biggest mistake was taking medication in order to control my problems and I now suffer more from anxiety due to withdrawal than from anything I've experienced.
Please don't be too hard on your partner, nobody else can feel your pain, and the problem is that people think anxiety/depression/panic can be treated like the movies ! An hour and an half later and you're expected to be a normal human being once again !
I was the shyest kid at school; I blushed, got tongue-tied and cried in frustration. I even contemplated suicide because I thought no-one understood. I tell you this because as an adult, I've been able to push through every fear, and the advice you'll find on this board is first class. Talking to someone, writing a diary even, to distract yourself when you're at your lowest ebb, it all works.The fantastic thing about this board is that you don't have to summon the courage to speak to someone face to face, you can take the baby steps like you've done, and write just how you're feeling to the whole world !
Take great pride Ivy that you've sought help, and that you care enough about life to try and change your own for the better. Simply put, if you wanted to die, you wouldn't even have taken this difficult first step to your impending recovery. Now don't be afraid to ask anything and no more apologies !

Good luck, everyone here is right behind you.

[Bill]

Hi Ivy,
I think every Mum cares about their daughters, even if they don't get on. You couldn't be in a safer place.

If I had a daughter who turned to others for help from people who would understand her problems, I wouldn't be angry because I'd want her to get better.

There are Alot of people here who will understand what you're going through and they'll want to help you because they genuinely care about anyone who suffers as they do.

Whenever you feel low, type on here how you're feeling and someone will ALWAYS be around to help you. Never feel alone Ivy. People care about you!:hugs: With help and support, things Will get better for you, I'm Sure and I'm also Sure you'll be a Great dancer!:hugs:

[miseire]

interesting

[judipat]

Hello ivy
you sure have been through the mill a bit love hav'nt you??? i'm interested in how old you are????
I'm probably a lot older than you - but i too had a lot of issues in my past and when i first became very ill (over 20 years ago) and was hospitalised for 3 weeks - i saw no end of psychiatrists, psycologists etc. Due to their questioning, i started to search for a reason for my illness - acute anxiety/panic attacks etc. i searched so hard, i ended up saying "oh, because my mother was an alcoholic and i had such a crappy childhood, its made me ill" etc etc. The truth is, as i've got older, i've realised that they were not the reasons for me being ill - it is in my make up, its the way i am. I have had to deal with the way i am and accept that from time to time i get so stressed that i will be ill.
Of course, issues in your past play the biggest part in who YOU are, but in order to live and enjoy your life, you need to accept and move forward.
If you can, have a read of Claire Weekes books - she talks about acceptance all the time.
There is no quick fix Ivy - this will not go away overnight. You need to understand and accept.
Hope this makes sense - i will look forward to talking to you in the chat room again.
If you want to pm me - feel free.

Take care

Judi xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[happyone]

Hi there,
firstly, have one of these:hugs:
I can relate so much to a lot of what you are saying. My growing up was also traumatic in lots of ways and it has certainly scarred me. Like yourself, I love my mother dearly and I hate to think that she feels guilty that I am how I am. My mother too had her problems to deal with and she did the best she could mange and she never ever stopped loving me. She is there for me now 100%.
I think letting your mother take care of you is a good idea. Try to be honest with her as she will just fret otherwise. I tried to hide things from my mother but she imagined all sorts.

Judi speaks a lot of sense. Our past DOES contribute to who we are, but it doesn't need to become us. I believe that identifying what is the trouble from the past can be a useful tool in moving on and you seem to have done this. I have found over the past year, more and more skeletons from my closet have emerged but I am hoping they will just serve as a reminder and nothing more.
I have had to accept that my illness (I have bipolar mood disorder) is part of my make up, probably genetic and I may not have escaped it had my life been different. Possibly yiou might have been the same with anxiety depression hun.

Take care and remember to praise yourself for the wonderful person I am sure you are.

Happyone
xx

[bluebottle]

Don't forget abuse. Emotional abuse can be more devastating than physical abuse.

[joannap]

hi ivy

you have been through so much - it is understandable that you feel the way that you do so don;t be so hard on yourself. i do believe it is in our make up but a psychologist once told me that everyone (make up or not) has their stress limit. some people never have awful things happen to them, some people suffer stresses but over a period of time so they have chance in between to calm down whereas some poeple literally get battered by one stress or trauma after another so the limit is reached quickly and results in panic/anxiety/depression. it is simply the body's way of saying - i have had enough!

try not to worry about others so much and what they will think of you - who knows - they may feel like this in the future and if they are not sympathetic - they are not worth knowing!

i don;t know how old you are but it took me 21 years from birth before stressful life events pushed me over the edge but i am 32 now and still keep going! take some time out to heal and do what you need to do to get better. the one positive thing i can say about feeling as though meds aren;t working is that you can know you are getting better all by yourself!

[Ivy]

thank you so much to all of you, never expected so much kind words. thank you.
oh and im 22!
xxx