View Full Version : Panic embarrasment
Up until 3 years ago I worked in the canteen of a college.
Me and my workmates were subjected to a lot of verbal abuse and there was a constant air of violence there.
I found another job in a school canteen, less hours, less money but piece of mind. To me it was like the most fantastic relief not to have to go to work in an atmosphere of violence and abuse.
BUT, the school at which I work is closed today and us canteen staff have had to go to another unit to do training. The closest unit available was the college where I worked :(
So, you can imagine how it went with me. I couldn't sleep worrying. All the things that had ever happened to me there kept popping into my head.
I woke up this morning to the feeling of dread, which I haven't felt in a very long time.
We were to meet at 10.30am at the college. I set out, shaking and panicking, got half way there, and turned back.
Phoned my boss, and her phone was turned off. Left her a text. Then, I decided to try again. Got to the college, parked and went in, panicking all the time.
Well, to cut a long story short, I lasted half an hour and started crying [:I].
I asked the boss if I could go home so here I am feeling so embarassed and ashamed of myself.
The people that I work with know that I have anxiety but I have kept 99% of it to myself. I never thought that I would be put in the position that I found myself in today. Never thought I would have to go anywhere near the college again in my life.
I hate people seeing me panic, I don't want them knowing how bad it gets at times. I can't tell them about the violence fears, them knowing I have anxiety is enough.
I feel such a failure and I am SO embarassed.
And, I've got to face them all at work tomorrow :([:I]
Kate x
Hiya Kate,
Pls don't feel like a failure. You got there in the first place didn't you. You went home but plucked up the determination to try again and you went. That is success in itself.
Maybe if you told them about what went on when you worked there?
If you can't/don't want to - if you have to explain at all - can you tell them you were having a bad day generally.
If you are anything like me then you will be truly dreading tomorrow, but if you can get it out of the way then I am sure something else will come up for your colleagues to think about
Take Care
Lucky
hi Kate,
Don't feel like a failure!! You gave it your best shot and the fact that you actually DID go, even if only for a little while, is an achievement in itself. You put up with a lot of crap at that school and it is no wonder that you didn't want to go back. I'm sure that your workmates will understand and it will all be forgotten very soon.
Sarah :D
Hi Kate,
There are bound to be times in our life when we feel overpowering fear. To go into a situation that has given you so many bad experiences is not only difficult, but very scary. I think this would be the case even if you hadnt have suffered with anxiety in the past.
Dont be hard on yourself. You have come so far. Dont let this one incident play on your mind.
Just forget it now and put it down to a stroke of bad luck that you should be sent back there.
We cant hope to live our lives in complete serenity, and fearing nothing. I think you were extremely brave to have even got to the college at all. I know I couldnt.
Jude x
you did great you turned round and went back when you could have run for home dont be down on yourself, your mates will accept the fact you felt well and i bet its not even mentioned tomorrow
fan x
bluebottle
09-02-05, 16:53
Kate,
You said "Well, to cut a long story short, I lasted half an hour and started crying".
Well believe me, most people who see someone crying want to help them, comfort them, and help. Nobody thinks crying is anything to be ashamed of, and you should be proud girl. You faced your fear. So it made you cry, OK, that felt rubbish, but now you should pat yourself on the back for your courage and treat yourself to something nice.
Tomorrow is not yesterday.
Regards,
Blue
--
Take little steps
hi kate, well done for actually making it through the door, its not easy putting yourself into a situation that is causing you so much anxiety. i always felt abit shaky for a couple of days after similar experiences ... all i can say is try to manage it and be aware not to turn it into something it isnt.
you might feel like a failure, but your NOT, you could have quite easierly posted a success story about how you faced up to one of your biggest anxieties, on your own and for 30 minutes. Tell yourself that you're ok and give yourself a big cuddle. a positive attitude will free you ... tc andrew
Thanks all of you for your kind words :D
I think that unless I feel that things have gone 100 per cent right, then I feel that I have failed.
On a more positive note, I went through a car wash today, ON MY OWN!!
This may not seem such a big deal, but I hate the" feeling trapped, can't get out " of a car wash and I had never done it before alone!
You've all made me feel a whole lot better about myself [:I]
Love Kate x
Well Done Kate.
You have a tendancy to be a perfectionist with incredibly high standards for yourself. You therefore view things as failures that some of us would be mighty pleased at.
Very pleased you've given yourself credit for this achievement .
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance
Yes Meg, you are absolutely right.
I see things as either success or failure, no grey area for me at all, and beat myself up over what I perceive as failure.
And letting people actually see me panicking is the ultimate failure.
I'm still smiling over managing the car wash though!!
Love Kate x
Well done with the car wash Kate. I am also a 'hater' of them as hate the roller things coming bearing down on me!!
Lucky
Hi Lucky,
Yes, it's the roller thing with me as well!
Yesterday, I felt myself panicking when they started coming down, so claustrophobic! I had to look down at the steering wheel until they had gone! [:I]
Just to let you know as well, work went fine. Everyone just asked me if I was alright, they seemed really concerned. I told them that it had caused me great embarassment, but they all said not to be so silly and they were just worried about me.
Kate x
bluebottle
10-02-05, 15:22
:D
Regards,
Blue
--
Take little steps
glad it all went well for you today
fan x
Thanks Blue and Fan,
Love Kate x
nomorepanic
12-02-05, 15:54
Hiya Kate
I was sorry to hear about this experience last night when you talked to me and I am pleased that you went back the next day.
Someone once told me to burst into tears at work to let them see how bad I was. Instead I hid in the loos and cried there because I too was embarrassed about it.[:I]
It is hard to show our emtions to people at work as we feel that it makes us look like a failure and pathetic but in fact I bet they would want to help and may realise who bad we really feel.
When I was sitting in the AA van last night I wanted to burst into tears cos I was so stressed but instead I rang Meg and managed to keep it together but I could feel my voice trembling. I didn't want this poor guy to have a hysterical woman in his van with him!
You did so well with the car wash. I haven't been in one for a long time cos I can't take my car in as it has a luggage rack but the last time I went in I freaked out. I didn't realise that nowadays they have doors at either end that close so you are completely shut in. Freaked me out [:O]
So that was a big achievement so well done you.
Hope you are feeling a bit better now.
xx
Nicola
Hi Kate
I identified with so much of what you wrote - especially the perfectionism and fear of 'failure.' I never liked people to see I was human and I think people like us turn the tension and anxiety that it causes inwards and eventually it has to find a way to escape.
You're being very brave and it's one hell of an achievement so pat yourself on the back and it sounds like you've got some good understanding people around you at work who care about you and like you.
Keep up the good work and hang on in there. You're doing brilliantly.
Good luck and good health
J
Hi Nic,
Well, we both faced up to our biggest fears and are still here to tell the tale!! [^]
I always seem to see crying as the ultimate no no, always makes me so embarassed.
But, I seem to find that when either extremely anxious or when having an panic attack, I start crying without even knowing that it's going to happen [:O]
Anyway, hope you managed to get a good nights sleep last night and hope to catch you later.
Lots of love Kate xxx
Hi J,
Thanks for your support.
As I mentioned in a previous post, unless something goes 100% right then I have failed.
Today, I had to drop my son off at footie, a journey I get out of if hubby is at home! [:I]
Anyway, the road layout on the way back always confuses me and I found the panic rising once again, and common sense then seems to fly out of the window.
My daughter was with me and she was telling me which lane to go in!! Funny really as she is only 12!
Anyway, I negotiated it and we arrived home. BUT, yet again I started analizing how it had gone and, because I went to pieces a bit, it felt like another failure.
So, the moral of the story seems to be, lower your standards slightly, be kind to yourself and you will get there in the end!!
Love Kate x
hi your right, if you lower your standards slightly you can always raise them again when you feel better
fan x
Hi Kate
I'm a bit like that - if it's not 100% then everything's wrong! Tell me, if you're learning a new skill or something, do you expect to be an expert before you're a novice? I ask because that's exactly how I am! :)
I think a good way to look at it is not really a case of us lowering standards, we just need to recognise that we sometimes set unrealistic standards for ourselves and I wonder if it's part of how we're 'hard-wired.' We beat ourselves up when we don't come-up to our own (unrealistic) expectations.
Karen, I'm awful in traffic.. I get so wigged-out, especially in city traffic so well done done for coping - look on it as a triumph - you didn't run screaming from the car.. I probably would've done!
Hang on in there and try to like yourself a little bit more (we're all starting to sound a bit like Oprah :D) but I think it's good advice.
Remember we're all here to support you!
J
Hi J,
Yes, if I'm learning something new I always expect to pick it up immediately. If not, I think I'm never going to be any good at it and then don't bother to even give it 100%. Heaven knows how I ever passed my driving test![:O]
I can cope with driving as long as I'm familiar with the route, that driving conditions are what I class as good ie no fog, no snow or ice, no driving rain, hehe!, and as long as it's not on a motorway [:I]
Still at least I'm getting out there and giving it all a go!
Love Kate x
you certainly are getting out there and doing it and the more you do this the easier it will become until the time when you are doing it without thinking about it
fan x
Hi all,
Well, school shut again today, teachers striking again, and tomorrow.
So, it was off to the college for MORE training. Well, for some of us anyway. I couldn't, ok WOULDN'T [:I] go, so I lost a days pay.
Anyway, there is no more training left for us to do so, as we are off tomorrow as well, we were offered work at........ yeah, the college :(.
So, another day with no pay.
The strike was reported on the local news today and they are now striking 3 days next week, 4 the week after and all 5 days the week after [xx(].
So, if the strikes go ahead and the only place we can go to work is the college, that means I will only be picking up 6 days money over the month through no fault of my own.
I am dead stressed, got a blinding headache, keep crying and I can feel the depression building up again :(
I'm just flippin' FED UP [Sigh...]
Kate x
sorry to hear you feel so down today but its no wonder is it? your bound to be stressed hope you pick up soon
fan x
Hi Kate
Sorry that you are feeling bad at the moment. I think the stress of this situation would get to anyone so don't give yourself a hard time about it.
I hope the situation is sorted out soon and you start to feel a bit better.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Kate -
You know me well enough - so apologies in advance - I'll write as small as possible
You could, in small stages work your way up to going there so you can lose those terrible memories
Not to work initially but just to go out of the house at the usual time - make your way there with no pressure and gradually stay a while with entertainment and mantras and positive self talk, seeing how that goes with a view to training yourself that those awful situations are long gone and if you should happen to go in the door they will not be repeated and instead you could build some better memories of the college this time round in these few weeks.
Love
Meg
nomorepanic
23-02-05, 18:53
Kate
You can do it mate. Think of me and that damn bridge -I kept going back even though I hated it. Why? cos I hate been beaten and I know you well enough to know that you too will not let this beat you.
You can take it small steps at a time but you can do it.
You can call me en-route if you want and I will talk to you.
I know it is so hard mate but I also know that you want to get over it and I am sure in time you will.
Big hug
Nicola
Hi all,
Thanks for the replies.
I find that the college dread is so bad due to the fact that what could happen there is so unpredictable and the what ifs, based on past experiences, are so many and varied that I can't seem to reassure myself that they wont happen again.
I know that this also applies to other fears but the bad things that can happen in other situations seem more predictable to me.
Don't seem to be explaining this too well and I'm definately not saying other fears are less intense as I have lots of other things that freak me as well! [:I]
I think what makes it worse is that I will have to comit to working at the college and then, if things go badly, I will be panicking in front of workmates and also strangers.
If I'm on my own in a situation ie panicking in a traffic jam, which I must say I do!, then there is only ME in the car and only ME that knows I'm panicking.
If anyone has made sense of this then I will be very surprised. So hard to put it into words really, though I know what I'm on about! :D
Love Kate x
Hi kate,
I know exactly what you mean about the car! If someone is in the car with me i don't panic one bit but even the thought of driving somewhere i don't know or haven't been before on my own instills fear like you wouldnt believe! Having read all of the posts though, i think the fact that you went to the college in the first place is a big achievement and you should be proud of yourself.
Rach x
bluebottle
24-02-05, 15:58
If a woman cries I always want to comfort them. I never think they are silly or anything else. The same if a man cries. I think people who cry when they are upset are totally healthy and normal, bottling it up is unhealthy.
Regards,
Blue
--
Japanese Proverb:
Fall seven times; stand up eight.
hi i always wonder when we are having a panic what does a person watching see? i know we get sweating, gasping for breath, shaking, and legs like jelly heart pumping in throat, but is this actually what people will see or is it all totally exaggerated i dont fear the panic just the embarrassment that i think will come with it
fan x
Most people don't even notice a thing . Bit flushed - thats about it
Meg
www.overcominganxiety.co.uk
You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance
Believe me, EVERYONE knows when I'm having a panic as I either a) literally run from whatever is causing the anxiety or b) burst into tears closely followed by (a) [:I]
I have a real embarassment about crying which I think goes back to when I was a child. Crying was always laughed at and, in fact, generally ridiculed, so I do still feel really silly doing it.
Kate x
Hi Kate
Just read your post and I know you may not feel it but you seem very brave to me and I think you will come through this little set back as you seem to have come so far already. I don't think crying is anything to be embarassed about as it is a perfectly natural reaction which is far better than to bottle up your feelings as I always feel better after a good cry and it is definatley not a sign of weakness. You sound like you have been through so much and come along way and don't let this minor blip knock your confidence, you should be patting yourself on the back girl!!!
Good luck and take care
Love Lisaxxx
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for the reply.
Brave is never a word I would use to describe myself, I always prefer the negatives [:I]
When I left the college, I never, ever thought that I would have to set foot in the place again. Just bad luck really that I should find myself in the situation I'm in at present.
Although I feel so bad about crying, I agree that I always feel better afterwards. I will go for days wanting to cry but holding it all in, so when I DO cry, it is such a relief but also an embarassment!
Oh well, at least its the weekend now!
Love Kate x
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