Worrying v Controlling

[Bill]

Worrying about others and controlling others are normally 2 separate issues and for 2 different reasons but one can also result in the other without realising it and so inadvertently cause harm to both parties.

Sometimes people like to control others by enforcing the belief that a person couldn’t cope for themselves and by using their own guilt against them when they’d actually cope ok because they’d no longer be under the pressures keeping them down. Of course peoples own fears are also used against them to keep things the same. A person in this situation just needs to be more assertive and more confident and then the controller will either change their behaviour for fear of losing them or move on themselves.

It’s normal for people to worry about their partners and offspring because it shows how much they care about them. However, excessive worry can make the worrier feel debilitated from doing day to day jobs. Also, if the sufferers worry then prevents the person they care for from doing what they want to do, their worry can result in them controlling the person they worry about because they want to keep them safe. As a result, the person the sufferer cares about can then also grow up with low self esteem and so also develop anxiety because they’ve not been allowed to gain self confidence in their own abilities. Therefore, worrying Too much can not only cause the sufferer harm but also harm the person they care about in the long term through the sufferers need to control them by keeping them safe at all times.

Every person needs to be allowed to gain their own self confidence from an early age and so the worrier needs to find other ways of coping while the person is not within their control. If the person is being looked after by someone they know and trust, they need to put more faith in them and in the meantime keep themselves busy until they return. Imagine how mothers feel when their sons or daughters go off to war for long periods knowing they really will be in the line of danger. A person can’t just stop doing things or stop the person they care about from doing what they want to do and we all know that worry can’t protect those we care about; it just makes the sufferer feel ill. Often it’s just a case of keeping busy and trying not to dwell on worrying too much.

[Gryphoenix]

Very nice post, Bill! :D

I really like this part: "we all know that worry can’t protect those we care about; it just makes the sufferer feel ill". I used to worry about people if they were like five minutes late and watch people if they're sleeping to make sure they're still breathing. I still hate it when I'm waiting for someone to pick me up and hear a siren in the distance. Guess what I'm thinking?

I figure it this way: If something bad really does happen, we're going to worry about it THEN. If something bad doesn't happen, we've wasted energy and hurt ourselves worrying about something that never happened. I suppose this can transfer over to PAs and other worries about life too.

Of course this is all 'putting it into practice' and I still sometimes find myself dwelling on thoughts of what 'could be'. What if? I'm still in the 'now', waiting, and what I need to happen hasn't happened yet. What if this delay means the worst? How can I possibly deal with this? These thoughts like to pop up from time to time.

[cattttt]

Right on Bill! My parents are/were both worriers and controlled me to help their own anxiety.Now I'm anxious too, but being aware of it, I did my best not to pass it on to my son. He doesn't seem to be anxious, but you never know!

[Bill]

Remember the song "Que Sa Ra Sa Ra, Whatever will be, will be"? (by the way, I've no idea how to spell those first few words but that's how they sound!:D )

Well, that's the attitude we need to learn for anything that's beyond our power. Difficult to do, Inow but some things in life Really matter when other small things don't. Try to put things into context as to how important something really is in the greater scheme of things.

If a person is left indoors while someone they care about goes out, they'll worry but if that person is out themselves enjoying themself then they're too pre-occupied to start worrying.

The key is learning a care free attitude and keeping the mind busy on things we can do while the future takes care of the things beyond our power.

I sometimes get really tense over a football match and then I can hear my father saying "It's Only a game!" and in any case, whatever I think or do won't affect the result. Some things are worth worrying about whilst others aren't hence the song being used in football! I've often heard old people say the same thing and I think it's because they compare to all the things they've been through. Wisdom! It's not just football though. It's everyday things we worry about when there's no point.

I do things now that my father used to like liitle habits. It's so easy for offspring to learn behaviour from their parents. After all, it's natures way that we observe our parents behaviour to learn what's right or wrong.:shrug: