I effed up big time and now I'm going to die because of it [Archive]

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always scared

01-07-21, 04:21

I have not had a pap smear in over 15 years. I'm 55. I use to get them every year up until 15 years ago after my last child. I now know why on day 15 of bleeding on and off with clots. Because I refuse to keep going for pap smears every year. Now krama is coming to get me. I've been with the same man since i was 23. I've only had 4 other sexual partners before my husband. I've never had a hpv test only clear pap smears. I have all the symptoms of cervical cancer and now its to late to help me because I didn't catch it early

I think this may be my last post. I've lost so much blood in the last 15 days that I can barley walk to get to the bathroom. I will most defiantly not see an other year with my children or grand daughter. I can't stop crying, I ****ed up big time.

I don't want to die Mary

BlueIris

01-07-21, 05:11

Sounds as though you're menopausal. This happened to a former colleague; no cancer, just fibroids. She was about your age.

always scared

01-07-21, 07:03

I'm going to pick July 15 as the day I will go to the ER . I will prepare for my cancer diagnoses I hope they admit me because I will not be in a good place when I find out I have cancer Hopefully they will be able to remove my uterus ovaries and cervix asap

always scared

01-07-21, 07:52

I should have never had children. Saying goodbye to them will be hardest and most terrifying. My first born is married and has a child. So I think she'll be ok without me. My second born died of cancer when he was 7. My third born still lives at home with no job and is on the autism spectrum. My 4th born will be the hardest to say goodbye to. She is still so young and shy and she will be so lost without me. We do everything together. I can't stop crying just thinking about it. I feel so guilty for not doing my pap smears every year. I cursed myself and now cursed my children for my stupidity

Slug

01-07-21, 08:06

Bless you, you sound so scared. Random bleeding, including heavy, is so common. It doesnt have to mean anything sinister. I've had it a few times. Worst episode lasted 6 weeks, ugh. I had scans and nothing was found.

pulisa

01-07-21, 08:14

For the sake of your children at home why pick July15th? Go to the ER today if you are that convinced that you are seriously ill. You'll just find a reason not to go on the 15th.

always scared

01-07-21, 08:22

Bless you, you sound so scared. Random bleeding, including heavy, is so common. It doesn't have to mean anything sinister. I've had it a few times. Worst episode lasted 6 weeks, ugh. I had scans and nothing was found.

thank you :hugs: I'm so terrified. I have no one to talk to. My family does not know what I'm going through

pulisa

01-07-21, 08:30

I lost my step sister in January to cervical cancer and the type of bleeding she had was so severe she had to be admitted to hospital where they packed her va-jj and confined her to bed. They wouldn’t even allow her to get up to use the restroom, she had to pee in a bed pan.

Your the right age for menopause which can cause bleeding like you describe as can fibroids and a hormone imbalance just to name a few.

Pap smears are extremely important but according to doctors we no longer need them once a year. If a woman is between the ages of 30 and 65 she has three options. She can have both a pap and HPV testing every 5 years, a Pap test alone every 3 years or have HPV testing alone every 5 years.
If you haven’t had a pap in 15ish years you really should get an appointment to have one done and in the mean time try to relax, nothing you have posted here screams cervical cancer (((hugs)))

I'm very sorry to hear about your step sister.I'm sure always scared will be very grateful for your kind and informative post.

always scared

01-07-21, 08:31

I lost my step sister in January to cervical cancer and the type of bleeding she had was so severe she had to be admitted to hospital where they packed her va-jj and confined her to bed. They wouldn’t even allow her to get up to use the restroom, she had to pee in a be pan.

Your the right age for menopause which can cause bleeding like you describe as can fibroids and a hormone imbalance just to name a few.

Pap smears are extremely important but according to doctors we no longer need them once a year. If a woman is between the ages of 30 and 65 she had three options. She can have both a pap and HPV testing every 5 years, a Pap test alone every 3 years or have HPV testing alone every 5 years.
If you haven’t had a pap in 15ish years you really should get an appointment to have one done and I’m the mean time try to relax, nothing you have posted here screams cervical cancer (((hugs)))

OMG OMG OMG You just confirmed that have cervical cancer in your reply!!!!! I have such server bleeding it gushes out of me with huge clots. It sometimes last for hours than it slows down to a trickle but the bleeding will not stop. OMG OMG OMG Oh dear god I"m going to die

always scared

01-07-21, 08:35

oh dear god someone please help me. I"m so scared now. I don't want to die. I've never been this scared or sure that I'm dying than now. I can't breath

Slug

01-07-21, 08:37

Always Scared I've had bleeding like that and it wasn't cancer. I was going through the thickest pad within half an hour , and passing rat-sized clots.

BlueIris

01-07-21, 08:38

Then go to your doctor. Sitting here being dramatic really isn't going to help.

always scared

01-07-21, 08:41

why would you say that to me knowing how badly I'm bleeding . I've lost so much blood in the last two weeks I probably should be admitted to the hospital for blood loss. WHY WHY WHY :ohmy: :scared15: :scared10::weep::weep::weep:

pulisa

01-07-21, 08:44

Don't post on here then if things are so desperate.Go to hospital now.

pulisa

01-07-21, 08:45

Then go to your doctor. Sitting here being dramatic really isn't going to help.

Agreed.

Slug

01-07-21, 08:45

There's a drug drs can prescribe that can stop the bleeding in its tracks, i can't remember what its called. Defo call your dr and ask for it. I've had to have it in the past.

Try to relax although i know how hard it is. I have terrible health anxiety. Can you distract yourself with something nice?

NoraB

01-07-21, 08:47

I think this may be my last post.

I very much doubt that...

I've lost so much blood in the last 15 days that I can barley walk to get to the bathroom. I will most defiantly not see an other year with my children or grand daughter. I can't stop crying, I ****ed up big time.

A man once told me that he wouldn't live to see Christmas. That was 29 years ago. He's still here. (no cancer)

I was 100% convinced I was dying of bowel cancer. I even planned my own funeral. That was four years ago. I'm still here. (no cancer)

Can I take you back to a post of yours from January 2020?

I am now convinced I have ovarian cancer or uterine cancer . I just had the worst period from hell. My lower back, hip and pelvic area mostly on my right side is constantly hurting even though I just finished my period.
I'm in bed crying most of the days. I think my family is starting to get worried. I'm having a very hard time hiding it from them. I use to be good at it. I'm trying to be rational but I can't I've had these pains before. They come and go. That last flare up was in the summer. So I'm worried that if I've been having these pains for a few years now that it's now very serious because I never got them checked out and it now has spread else where. I do know I had fibroids 10 years ago and I'm going through perimenopause right now.

My dad had cancer that spread. His pain never 'came and went'. It just got worse, and then he couldn't walk. Then he lost bowel control. Didn't know he was shitting himself. The cancer spreads and the body as a system malfunctions. Blood work goes tits up. Imbalances. Deficiencies. Pain that doesn't go away, no matter what we do.

You know you have FIBROIDS. You know you're going thorough the menopause - symptoms of which are HEAVY BLEEDING AND CLOTS.

Almost a year and a half later from that other 'I'm dying post' and you are closer to dying than you were but in the way you imagine. With every day that passes, we are all a step closer..

2008 - Cushing's Disease/Skin cancer
2009 - Brain tumour

Nothing until 2019 (what happened in-between?) then it's onto pancreatic cancer. oesophageal cancer, and dementia.

2020 - throat cancer, pancreatic cancer (again), kidney cancer, oesophageal cancer (again) uterine cancer, and yet another bout of oesophageal cancer.

Finally (for now) there's 'imminent death' and apparently July 15th is the day you'll get the news that you're dying? :huh:

My experience of health anxiety is that you won't get the news you've been 'dreading' on the 15th of July. My guess is that, at some point, you will hear the word 'anxiety', menopause, and possibly fibroids. Then it will be straight onto a new disease or maybe an encore of oesophageal cancer? Because the sensitisation that comes with severe anxiety doesn't go away with the 'all clear'. Your body will be full of stress hormones which create unpleasant symptoms and keep the whole circus going. Do you understand?

AS, you've been dying since 2009 (on here at least) and I had a 43 year stretch of imminently dying (on and off) so I fully empathise, sympathise and all the rest of it - but I say this as respectfully as I can: you've had all the tea and sympathy in the world on these threads. WHERE HAS IT GOT YOU?

You've had a lot to cope with, for sure. Things which are hard enough on the most laid back of people to cope with, but this health anxiety is something you need to get a grip on, and soon because life is passing you by, and it's affecting those around you as well..

Again: the dialogue, the avatar - it all screams I HAVE HEALTH ANXIETY and you appear to be doing nothing help yourself?

This was from 2020..

Thanks for the replies. I now woke up with mid back pain and left sided stomach pain. If you remember me from other posts I am deathly afraid of tests . I will probably die in bed without ever knowing what cancer finally got me in the end. But its really looking like pancreas, colon or stomach.

You're still here cocker. You didn't 'die in bed'. You don't have any of these cancers. Still have a raging case of health anxiety though!

If your dramatic dialogue and avatar/signature is anything to go by - it's no wonder HA is kicking your @rse. Every time you make with the dramatics - your body is responding because it thinks it's in DANGER! It's not in danger from anything that's real. These are your thoughts it is responding to...

Re your signature? You are going to die one day. We all are. It's a certainty. Accept this, and you'll start to live again rather than exist in a constant state of fear. This situation is of your own making and it's only you who can do anything about it.

Question is, do you want to do anything about it?

Is this how you want to be remembered - 'Always scared'?

Make the decision to stop running away from fear. Turn around, face it, and you will see that it's not the monster you imagine it to be. All shadows appear larger, right?

Break time down into hours or minutes of you have too. Keep saying to yourself 'I'm okay'. This feels unpleasant, but I understand what's happening and I'm Ok. Keep checking in with this throughout the day.

Rewrite the script... enough with the am-dram titles and OH MY GOD I'M DYING!!!!!!!!!

Stay busy.

Imagine humorous scenarios to your fearful ones. You have the imagination skills to do this...

Exercise and discharge some of those stress hormones..

Every time you do something proactive, you are making yourself stronger.

You are stronger than you imagine. Everybody is on here.

Nourish your body with good food and no stimulants. Give your stressed system a helping hand..

Instead of using July 15th as your ending, how about you use it as a beginning? I turned a 45 year HA issue around with the decision that I'd had enough of being held prisoner by fear. That's the bottom line. You have to want to beat this.

always scared

01-07-21, 08:48

Then go to your doctor. Sitting here being dramatic really isn't going to help.
I'm so sorry that you think I'm being dramatic. I am so paralyzed with fear now. I didn't know until now that heavy bleeding that I was having was a symptom of cervical cancer. The more I read the more I'm convinced it can't be anything other than my fear

Careful1

01-07-21, 08:51

How did I confirm you have cervical cancer 🤔 I did not say that. If you are bleeding anywhere near the way my step sister was you wouldn’t be posting here and not for nothing heavy bleeding isn’t the only symptom of cervical cancer, she didn’t even start bleeding like that until after she started radiation. She was extremely sick which is what prompted her to seek help. Your jumping to conclusions and taking part of a comment and using it to justify your fear. I was in no way confirming nor implying that you had cervical cancer it was quite the opposite.

Maybe you should go to the hospital if things are as bad as you say?

NoraB

01-07-21, 09:09

I'm so sorry that you think I'm being dramatic. I am so paralyzed with fear now. I didn't know until now that heavy bleeding that I was having was a symptom of cervical cancer. The more I read the more I'm convinced it can't be anything other than my fear

I don't think you're being dramatic; you are being dramatic, and your brain is taking notice!

For instance, you're not 'paralyzed' with fear or anything else because you are able to type coherent posts. Hence, you're being 'dramatic'.

Cancer is the least likely cause for your heavy bleeding given your age. Menopause is top of the list, but you have HA so you are always going to home in on the word, 'cancer'.

Thing is AS you can literally type in any symptom and the word 'cancer' will crop up somewhere along the way and the HA mind will keep looking until it finds it..

"The more I read".

Well, stop reading then!

It's not helping you is it?

Nobody is forcing you to Google AS. This is a choice, and a very poor one..

BlueIris

01-07-21, 09:36

Beautifully put, Nora.

AS, you're clearly going through a horrible time, but you're absolutely making it worse for yourself.

nomorepanic

01-07-21, 12:52

Lana

01-07-21, 15:00

You are 55, so it most probably is ahead of menopause. I have had the longest, most horrible peri menopause and menopause symptoms you can imagine, and incredibly heavy bleeding ( clots and all), happened for two years.

That is pretty normal in menopause. But, please, try to calm down and just go to the doctors. Do not wait July 15, that is really silly. Just go , the sooner the better.

I had a friend whose premenopausal bleeding was out of control, she used to faint. They had to take uterus out because of that bleeding, but NO CANCER!!! She is totally fine now.

always scared

01-07-21, 16:49

Great post by Nora that I am pretty sure hasn't even been read by the OP as it makes sense and she doesn't want to hear that.

YOU have to do what is best for you and please stop being so dramatic that is just your HA talking.
I have read all the post! Some were very helpful and calming and some very scary that made my fears worse. My panic was all over the place last night. Had to take some Ativan to get some sleep. Woke still in a panic. Still bleeding.

nomorepanic

01-07-21, 16:56

so at least you are calmer now and not shouting and screaming.

Just think rationally about things now

always scared

01-07-21, 16:59

so at least you are calmer now and not shouting and screaming.

Just think rationally about things now
Sadly far from rational. I wish I could be rational. I still have no hope and very scared.

always scared

01-07-21, 17:06

Fishmanpa

01-07-21, 17:24

Your flag shows you're in Canada. Why not pick up the phone and ask for some help (https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/mental-health-services/mental-health-get-help.html)?

FMP

always scared

01-07-21, 17:25

pulisa

01-07-21, 17:51

It is really unkind and unfair of you to single out poor Careful1's post to you but you do seem to make a habit of doing this to people who are giving you their time and insight and who have been through the mill themselves..

But never mind their feelings or how much you hurt them when they were giving you factual information which you don't want to hear?

Careful1

01-07-21, 17:52

I must admit that Careful1 (https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/member.php?82221-Careful1) post really scared me and sent me into a panic I have never felt before reading those words. I have never experienced so much bleeding before in life. I did go to the ER that night when it was gushing so much blood for 6 hours straight and I was getting faint. But while I was there it slowed down to a trickle and I left because I was scared to get a diagnoses.
When its a trickle there is always a small clot in the toilet when I pee. Every time I think its coming to an end. I feel a cramp and I start bleeding clots and than it goes back to a trickle

Are there any nurses or doctors on here

Why are you trying to get medical advice from an anxiety forum? If you want to talk to a doctor or a nurse make an appointment with your doctor or go to the hospital if you feel the need or maybe they have an ask a nurse line where you live that you can call.
I get your afraid but your being irrational and dramatic. You aren’t reading comments properly just scanning and picking out what you want to feed your fear. Your saying I scared you when I was telling you that the kind of bleeding that comes with cervical cancer is so severe you wouldn’t be on this chat asking for opinions you would be in hospital and that NOTHING YOU POSTED SCREAMS CERVICAL CANCER. I was trying to show you the difference in someone who actually had it and what your dealing with. I said your at the right age for menopause and that your bleeding was likely from that or fibroids or even a hormone balance.
I saw someone posted your posting history and apparently you have been dealing with this for some time now. Cancer doesn’t come and go and you wouldn’t be late stage cervical cancer for all this time.

If your concerned go see an actual doctor, this isn’t the right place for medical advice.

always scared

01-07-21, 18:05

I'm sorry if I upset you Careful1 That was not my intention. All I saw in your post was bleeding that comes with cervical cancer is so severe. My bleeding is severe :ohmy:

Scass

01-07-21, 19:07

Have you been to the doctor yet?
What an absolute waste of your time to just sit at home when you could just get this looked into and carry on with your life.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

nomorepanic

01-07-21, 19:48

I agree - go and get it looked at. Why are you suffering and torturing yourself?

You are posting on an anxiety website so please be kind to members that take time to reply and do actually read their replies before jumping on them.

Iwant2bhealthy

01-07-21, 20:16

Why are you trying to get medical advice from an anxiety forum? .

It might taht OP doesn't want to get help. Matbe she just wants to get the attention?

Fishmanpa

01-07-21, 20:29

While seeing a doctor in light of the symptoms you described is warranted, it still come down to....

Why don't you try and treat the HA so you don't react so badly each time?

I asked the same question and this was the response.....

Sadly no amount of medicine or therapy is going to help me.

I have given up all hope.

:weep:

FMP

always scared

01-07-21, 21:42

NotDeadYet

01-07-21, 21:59

No there is no hate. You are obviously truly struggling. Our struggle is that you are unwilling to get help as FMP pointed out. Yes tests are scary and a diagnosis would be scary too but you’ve clearly coped with other life experiences that have been monumentally difficult. It also sounds like you have a doctor that isn’t concerned. Trust her!

Fishmanpa

01-07-21, 23:39

I am sorry and hurt that you all think that am here for the attention. In my real life no one knows what I'm going through .I keep it inside and just cry at night. Forums like this is my only outlet. I come here to see if any others are going through the same thing and hoping it will calm me down. But when I read real cancer stories I totally lose my mind
I have spoken with my family doctor last week and she knows what I'm like and what I'm going through and is very nice about my fear of tests. She also thinks this is late onset menopause but without any test I will never know. She put me on iron pills and told me to call her in a month .
Please don't hate me for being this way. I've had mental health issues all my life and it's get worse with age.

You could have said this in your first post. Instead, as your post history affirms, you go off the deep end and into the rabbit hole over your head. As Nic and I and many others have pointed out. Getting real life help to help you deal with everyday life niggles would be in order.

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we deal with it" - Charles Swindoll

FMP

always scared

02-07-21, 00:00

I'm sitting here with my family at the cottage trying to enjoy canada 🇨🇦 day. But all I want to is cry. 😔 I can't do this 😭😫

Fishmanpa

02-07-21, 00:26

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we deal with it" - Charles Swindoll

FMP

always scared

02-07-21, 00:52

FMP
I really try fishmanpa 😔 thank you for your support ❤

Me180

02-07-21, 01:04

Omg Nora B what an amazingly powerful post!

i screenshot this for my hopeful future ❤️

Good luck always scared..... I hope u can get someone to help you, it was really difficult reading your posts seeing how fearful you are xxx massive hugs!

always scared

02-07-21, 02:50

I very much doubt that...

A man once told me that he wouldn't live to see Christmas. That was 29 years ago. He's still here. (no cancer)

I was 100% convinced I was dying of bowel cancer. I even planned my own funeral. That was four years ago. I'm still here. (no cancer)

Can I take you back to a post of yours from January 2020?

My dad had cancer that spread. His pain never 'came and went'. It just got worse, and then he couldn't walk. Then he lost bowel control. Didn't know he was shitting himself. The cancer spreads and the body as a system malfunctions. Blood work goes tits up. Imbalances. Deficiencies. Pain that doesn't go away, no matter what we do.

You know you have FIBROIDS. You know you're going thorough the menopause - symptoms of which are HEAVY BLEEDING AND CLOTS.

Almost a year and a half later from that other 'I'm dying post' and you are closer to dying than you were but in the way you imagine. With every day that passes, we are all a step closer..

2008 - Cushing's Disease/Skin cancer
2009 - Brain tumour

Nothing until 2019 (what happened in-between?) then it's onto pancreatic cancer. oesophageal cancer, and dementia.

2020 - throat cancer, pancreatic cancer (again), kidney cancer, oesophageal cancer (again) uterine cancer, and yet another bout of oesophageal cancer.

Finally (for now) there's 'imminent death' and apparently July 15th is the day you'll get the news that you're dying? :huh:

My experience of health anxiety is that you won't get the news you've been 'dreading' on the 15th of July. My guess is that, at some point, you will hear the word 'anxiety', menopause, and possibly fibroids. Then it will be straight onto a new disease or maybe an encore of oesophageal cancer? Because the sensitisation that comes with severe anxiety doesn't go away with the 'all clear'. Your body will be full of stress hormones which create unpleasant symptoms and keep the whole circus going. Do you understand?

AS, you've been dying since 2009 (on here at least) and I had a 43 year stretch of imminently dying (on and off) so I fully empathise, sympathise and all the rest of it - but I say this as respectfully as I can: you've had all the tea and sympathy in the world on these threads. WHERE HAS IT GOT YOU?

You've had a lot to cope with, for sure. Things which are hard enough on the most laid back of people to cope with, but this health anxiety is something you need to get a grip on, and soon because life is passing you by, and it's affecting those around you as well..

Again: the dialogue, the avatar - it all screams I HAVE HEALTH ANXIETY and you appear to be doing nothing help yourself?

This was from 2020..

Thanks for the replies. I now woke up with mid back pain and left sided stomach pain. If you remember me from other posts I am deathly afraid of tests . I will probably die in bed without ever knowing what cancer finally got me in the end. But its really looking like pancreas, colon or stomach.

You're still here cocker. You didn't 'die in bed'. You don't have any of these cancers. Still have a raging case of health anxiety though!

If your dramatic dialogue and avatar/signature is anything to go by - it's no wonder HA is kicking your @rse. Every time you make with the dramatics - your body is responding because it thinks it's in DANGER! It's not in danger from anything that's real. These are your thoughts it is responding to...

Re your signature? You are going to die one day. We all are. It's a certainty. Accept this, and you'll start to live again rather than exist in a constant state of fear. This situation is of your own making and it's only you who can do anything about it.

Question is, do you want to do anything about it?

Is this how you want to be remembered - 'Always scared'?

Make the decision to stop running away from fear. Turn around, face it, and you will see that it's not the monster you imagine it to be. All shadows appear larger, right?

Break time down into hours or minutes of you have too. Keep saying to yourself 'I'm okay'. This feels unpleasant, but I understand what's happening and I'm Ok. Keep checking in with this throughout the day.

Rewrite the script... enough with the am-dram titles and OH MY GOD I'M DYING!!!!!!!!!

Stay busy.

Imagine humorous scenarios to your fearful ones. You have the imagination skills to do this...

Exercise and discharge some of those stress hormones..

Every time you do something proactive, you are making yourself stronger.

You are stronger than you imagine. Everybody is on here.

Nourish your body with good food and no stimulants. Give your stressed system a helping hand..

Instead of using July 15th as your ending, how about you use it as a beginning? I turned a 45 year HA issue around with the decision that I'd had enough of being held prisoner by fear. That's the bottom line. You have to want to beat this.
Thank you Nora 😊 I just re-read your post after I've calm down a bit. You are right on so many things. I just wish I could get my shit together and face my fears. But instead I just want to bury my head in the sand 😔😭 I'm still sitting so scared 😫

CMheart

02-07-21, 02:51

always scared

02-07-21, 03:29

I don't post often and ironically am dealing with some period issues myself. But your bleeding sounds exactly like mine a few years ago when I had a fibroid. I had clots the size of my hand coming out of there.
Please have some tests done. They will most likely show nothing sinister and you will feel SO much better.

Hi cmheart. I really hope it's just fibroids. I'm really scared about the stop and go of this bleeding. I can go from a hemorrhaging kind of bleed with just clots coming out the size of my hand to just a trickle for the rest of the day only for it to return to the flooding of clots again . This has been going on for 15 days now with no end in sight 😢

BlueIris

02-07-21, 04:40

Seriously, see your doctor? Losing that much blood probably won't be doing that much for your sanity.

NoraB

02-07-21, 09:48

Thank you Nora  I just re-read your post after I've calm down a bit. You are right on so many things. I just wish I could get my shit together and face my fears. But instead I just want to bury my head in the sand  I'm still sitting so scared 

You can. You just have to decide to do it..

You're not scared to death As - you're scared of death.

Somewhere along the way, humans (especially in the western world) have lost touch with the earth and our place in it. Our once simplistic existence has evolved into the incredibly stressful existence most of us experience now. The more we have, the more we have to pay for it in terms of mental health. Thanks to dramatic TV, the movies, and news stories - we've come to fear death instead of accepting (and celebrating) it for the cycle of life that it is..

I struggled with HA. In the end I had a mental breakdown, and that was the scariest thing I've ever encountered. But the fear this time was not being here for my autistic son. The reality was that I wasn't here for him even though I was very much alive. I missed so many moments and created memories for him I wish he didn't have - like him thinking I had a heart attack in hospital when it was a panic attack. Or me breaking down on another trip to A&E saying that I couldn't take it anymore. The brain is always listening, and that day, so was my son. :sad:

I've also lived with someone who had a mental breakdown due to HA, and I can vouch that this is no picnic either. I assure you that this is not just affecting you, AS.

I thought that my kid would shrivel up and die without me. Get me, right? Then my friend died...

At this point it's highly likely that you are feeling the familiar sensation of fear, right? I've used triggering words like 'died'? You want to scroll past now?

So now, I want you to read that line again, and then again, and for as many times as it take for you to be bored reading it..

If it helps you, use a silly internal voice when reading it - one that makes you laugh. This isn't being disrespectful to the dead - it's an exercise in desensitisation. For example: I got triggered every time I saw an ambulance, especially the blue lights - so I taught myself to think of Christmas tree lights instead, and I love those. I also reminded myself that it was just as likely that the fast trip to hospital can be for the imminent birth, rather than death.
Also, my own trip in the ambulance wasn't at all like you see on TV. The paramedic couldn't stop yawning for a start.:lac: I'm fairly sure he dozed off at one point?

So, back to my friend...

It was a very graceful and gentle death - and it was a privilege to be with her in her final hours. There was a serenity - a peacefulness, and something else - love, and it pervaded every room and every crevice of that building where life was constantly ending. As in any departure lounge, there is sadness, but also love, and in the very end - that's all that matters and all that we take with us.This experience totally transformed my opinion of hospices because I'd imagined them to be awful places. More so, the world didn't fall in for her young son. He misses his mum, obviously, but he's getting on with his life. He's into his sports and is very competitive - just like his mum was. Other people stepped in to fill the gap that she left in his life. He was supported and loved and that's all a child really needs to thrive. Seeing this made me understand that my fears were unfounded, and I know that my son will be Ok should anything happen to me..

And, if I needed another reminder of my place in this world, I got it loud and clear the night I stood under the stars in one of our darkest skies in the UK. I can't even begin to describe the emotions I experienced, but I felt an incredibly strong sense of connection - something that I've never felt being around people - not even those I'd die for! I felt incredibly small under those stars and realised that I am part of something unimaginably big, and that I (as we all) have a certain time on this 'stage' and then it's off into the wings..

AS, you are wasting the precious time that you do have, just as I've wasted so much of mine. This is why I'm taking the time and effort to try and reach you, and also so that you understand that it's never too late to turn things around with HA. This terminal cancer that you fear so much? I only know people who've packed a lot of living into those final years and months. Some people can 'live' more in a few months than others do in a very long and disease free lifetime. You can choose to see only what scares you, or you can choose to see things from a different perspective..

Many people 'die' and come back with similar stories. These experiences are called Near Death Experiences (NDEs) and maybe that's something you could look into? There's no agenda here. Quite simply, what better than to hear from folk who've 'died' and come back with a fascinating story to tell, and no fear of death? This is the closest we have to 'knowing' what it's like to die. It doesn't matter if it's just the brain trying to ease us into death. What matters is that there's nothing to fear.

Bottom line: the subject which you fear (in your case death and dying) is the one which will make you better. It's a phobia like any other..

I'm not trying to scare you lovely, but death and dying is something you will have to face at some point. I don't see the point in pretending otherwise. Wouldn't you like to enjoy some life before you 'exit stage right'? Because, at the moment, the only person stopping you, is you.

Pull your head out of the sand, make some better choices, and you will see that death is not to be feared. To most people, death comes as a friend who is more gentle than we imagine - even when it doesn't look that way to observers..

Ok, I'll finish on something that really helped (helps) me..

Have you ever seen the movie Independence Day? I don't want to do any spoilers here but the plot is basically that aliens come to Earth and they're hostile. Standard Hollywood, right?

The plot's thinner than cheap loo roll but this movie is about the special effects, Will Smith's bod, and the determination to face your fears head on. In this case, literally.

Anyway, I've used one of the famous quotes from that movie to help me kick my HA and to motivate me with my chronic health condition...

'Alright you alien @ssholes. In the words of my generation, UP YOURS!!

You do need to watch the movie to fully understand the relevance of the 'UP YOURS'...

Get yourself a motto. Has to be a KICK ASS motivational one. Hint; it's not 'Oh my God, I'm gonna die! :huh:

Write it on post-it notes and stick it everywhere. Cupboard doors, the mirror - your forehead. So when HA starts playing with your mind, you can wollop it one with your rebellious one liner. Two at the most because you need to be able to remember it wherever you are..

You're wrong about having no hope AS. There is always hope. You can absolutely do this matey - and it starts with one thought: I am going to do this.

It won't be easy, (look at my signature) but those things in life worth doing rarely are. X

Catkins

02-07-21, 10:43

Very wise words NoraB!

always scared

02-07-21, 17:00

Iwant2bhealthy

02-07-21, 17:00

Please don't hate me for being this way. I've had mental health issues all my life and it's get worse with age.

No one hates you... Most of us have been in your situation before, and we know that challenging your thoughts and looking for PROFESSIONAL help is the only way out of the place where you found yourself. Please, dont ignore all the great advice you got here and go to a doctor to ask for help with your HA!

You may think you keep your fears to yourself, but I can assure your children feel your fear and panic, even if only as a subconscious feeling. Thinking "oh my! If my mom is so worried it must be serious!" your children are very likely to develop HA too.

Iwant2bhealthy

02-07-21, 17:05

I truly wish I will have the strength to change the way I think to started enjoying my life again.
:hugs:

I dont believe anyone can change the way they think without a little help from outside. Do you think you could make it a goal for yourself to talk to your GP about your HA?

NoraB

03-07-21, 09:50

Thank you NoraB (https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/member.php?73131-NoraB)

for the wise words. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I truly wish I will have the strength to change the way I think to started enjoying my life again.
:hugs:

You're welcome lovely.

See a doctor. The heavy bleeding warrants it because they can help you with that. I had some major heavy bleeding during my peri-menopause. I once flooded in the bath. Turned the bath water crimson. :ohmy: I didn't know whether to clean the bath, or put some crime scene tape around it. :roflmao:

My advice is not to wait to confront your HA until you have the reassurance that this is something minor and fixable because we're less likely do anything in the lulls between the storms..

Somebody on here has said that they don't believe people can do this without outside help? I disagree. The person with HA has to want to change things. It starts there. There has to be a mental shift within us where we decide that enough is enough and even if we do have cancer or some other life-limiting disease, then we'll bloody well deal with it, and with as much courage and grace as we have within us. It's about accepting that we don't have cancer now, but also that one day we might develop a disease - and that we will deal with it.

Recovery from HA isn't about not having those thoughts, it's about how we respond to them when they come. In the last few years I've had numerous symptoms which in the past would have seen me spiralling out of control, but I was able to challenge those thoughts every time, but also common sense dictates that sometimes a trip to the doctors is required because the human body works great for us but it does need a little help from time to time..

When it comes to strength and courage, look what you've come through with those stressful situations. You are stronger than you imagine you are. Truly.

There is within us a spirit that's far greater than anything that's going on around around us. :shades:

I was in actual danger of death once. I was bleeding internally and I became very unwell, very quickly. My unborn son was also in danger with a heartrate that was unsustainable. Here's the thing: I wasn't scared at all. There was no fear. And this was before the good drugs! I dealt with a very difficult reality far better than anything I've ever imagined for myself...

I'll leave that one with you. X

always scared

04-07-21, 18:17

Having another bad day. I thought it was finally slowing down and maybe stopping. But now I'm having light pink/orangey spotting. And the odd small gush of red here and there . Is it normal to have more egg white sticky discharge in menopause. Help me please 😭

Iwant2bhealthy

04-07-21, 21:05

Help me please [emoji24]

You ask for help here, why not ask for help where you can actually get it??? If it's too hard to call or go to the GP try to email them. Get a refferal to a gynecologists and talk to your GP about your HA otherwise you'll just go from one period of anxiety to another.
We are not gynecologists. We can only offer temporary reassurance which will not be of any long term help.

fizzymoon86

04-07-21, 21:25

The only help you can be offered here is the advice to go to the doctor. Nobody here is a medical professional and cannot give you medical advice here and if they are a medical professional giving medical advice on a forum, they could be in breach of their medical licence so shouldn’t be doing it anyway!

Go and see your doctor. Face up to the fact that you need help. A doctor can help you, nobody here can do anything but try and reassure which you are clearly not satisfied with. Get the help you need.

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