Lilith1980
15-11-07, 09:02
Hi all, hope you are well this frosty morning :)
For a few months my anxiety peaked quite badly and I was constantly anxious. Social situations have, on the whole, always been difficult for me. Constantly feeling the need to "prove" myself, wanting to be liked, feeling inadequate compared to other females. Ends up leading to jealousy if my fiance talks to, hugs, or looks at another girl. Even if she has a boyfriend herself. When I stand back and look at it, its silly but at the time the feelings are very real to me and its hard to see the reality.
So over the past two weeks, I have been making real efforts to help my state of mind. Reading a CBT book, exercising, eating better. I have felt "ok" but in the back of my mind is the fact I cannot talk to my fiance about these things. When I have talked to him before about things that have worried me, its usually involved him doing something that has made me feel insecure. He hasn't done anything wrong but I feel weird about it. He got fed up of me talking about things like this because he said "I was just whinging about the things he had done wrong".
I hadnt meant to make him feel like this. I was seeking reassurance and just some sort of sounding board for my feelings. I can understand his frustration but sometimes he snaps and it makes me feel worse.
I have been withdrawn recently because of this - I have lots of things going round my head and I have been thinking deeply about them and trying to rationalise instead of getting upset and being open about them so as not to upset my fiance. But its made me more quiet, not so talkative and my fiance noticed, as I havent paid him much attention.
He kept asking me last night what was wrong and I said its just me thinking things over. I said I dont feel like I can talk to him because he thinks I am whinging and he said that's because everything I was going on about was to do with things he had done. But the last thing I wanted was to make him feel like I was "attacking" him. My need to go over things and talk is down to my own feelings of worthlessness.
He said nothing has happened lately for him to think he's done anything, so he wanted to know what I was thinking about. He said we havent been out in a big group, he hasn't mixed his drinks when we've gone out (he had problems with this and it turned him nasty so he stopped), he hasnt put his arm around another girl or anything. But I said sometimes nothing has to happen to trigger off my anxiety. Sometimes its thoughts that trigger the anxiety, something popping into my head and spiralling.
So he seems ok to talk about my insecurities when they haven't been triggered by an event or by something he has inadvertedly done. Although alot of my worries are around things in the past, involving him, that were totally innocent but still worry me. Others are about potential future events.
I'm sad that I dont feel I can talk to him. Its not his fault he doesnt understand but I have tried talking to him before and explaining but everytime I feel insecure he feels its an attack on him. We are due to go out to a party in a couple of weeks time and I am dreading it. I will go but it wont be easy. But if I do end up getting upset I know I cannot talk to him and will have to bottle it up. Sometimes its hard to deal with all this on my own, in my head.
Sorry, I am waffling, not sure what I want from this post. I dont want to keep seeking reassurance but I feel that because he thinks I am digging at him personally all the time, I dont want to talk to him because it will end in another row, bring him down. I think he feels like he has to watch what he does when we are out in fear of upsetting me and I dont want this. He says he doesnt mind as he doesnt want to do anything to upset me, but its ME that needs to change MY thinking. I sometimes think I should just not go out to some of these social things just so he can be on his own and enjoy himself without the worry of me. But I know I would be freaking out if I am home on my own as I hate it. I dont know what to do :wacko: :weep:
Thanks for reading this far xx
For a few months my anxiety peaked quite badly and I was constantly anxious. Social situations have, on the whole, always been difficult for me. Constantly feeling the need to "prove" myself, wanting to be liked, feeling inadequate compared to other females. Ends up leading to jealousy if my fiance talks to, hugs, or looks at another girl. Even if she has a boyfriend herself. When I stand back and look at it, its silly but at the time the feelings are very real to me and its hard to see the reality.
So over the past two weeks, I have been making real efforts to help my state of mind. Reading a CBT book, exercising, eating better. I have felt "ok" but in the back of my mind is the fact I cannot talk to my fiance about these things. When I have talked to him before about things that have worried me, its usually involved him doing something that has made me feel insecure. He hasn't done anything wrong but I feel weird about it. He got fed up of me talking about things like this because he said "I was just whinging about the things he had done wrong".
I hadnt meant to make him feel like this. I was seeking reassurance and just some sort of sounding board for my feelings. I can understand his frustration but sometimes he snaps and it makes me feel worse.
I have been withdrawn recently because of this - I have lots of things going round my head and I have been thinking deeply about them and trying to rationalise instead of getting upset and being open about them so as not to upset my fiance. But its made me more quiet, not so talkative and my fiance noticed, as I havent paid him much attention.
He kept asking me last night what was wrong and I said its just me thinking things over. I said I dont feel like I can talk to him because he thinks I am whinging and he said that's because everything I was going on about was to do with things he had done. But the last thing I wanted was to make him feel like I was "attacking" him. My need to go over things and talk is down to my own feelings of worthlessness.
He said nothing has happened lately for him to think he's done anything, so he wanted to know what I was thinking about. He said we havent been out in a big group, he hasn't mixed his drinks when we've gone out (he had problems with this and it turned him nasty so he stopped), he hasnt put his arm around another girl or anything. But I said sometimes nothing has to happen to trigger off my anxiety. Sometimes its thoughts that trigger the anxiety, something popping into my head and spiralling.
So he seems ok to talk about my insecurities when they haven't been triggered by an event or by something he has inadvertedly done. Although alot of my worries are around things in the past, involving him, that were totally innocent but still worry me. Others are about potential future events.
I'm sad that I dont feel I can talk to him. Its not his fault he doesnt understand but I have tried talking to him before and explaining but everytime I feel insecure he feels its an attack on him. We are due to go out to a party in a couple of weeks time and I am dreading it. I will go but it wont be easy. But if I do end up getting upset I know I cannot talk to him and will have to bottle it up. Sometimes its hard to deal with all this on my own, in my head.
Sorry, I am waffling, not sure what I want from this post. I dont want to keep seeking reassurance but I feel that because he thinks I am digging at him personally all the time, I dont want to talk to him because it will end in another row, bring him down. I think he feels like he has to watch what he does when we are out in fear of upsetting me and I dont want this. He says he doesnt mind as he doesnt want to do anything to upset me, but its ME that needs to change MY thinking. I sometimes think I should just not go out to some of these social things just so he can be on his own and enjoy himself without the worry of me. But I know I would be freaking out if I am home on my own as I hate it. I dont know what to do :wacko: :weep:
Thanks for reading this far xx