what is happening to me ?

[mirry]

Ever since the doctor asked me would I do something stupid
(as in kill myself), I keep worrying about it :lac: .

Today I was writing and suddenly thought "omg wouldnt it be awful if I did"

Its really difficult to explain because when I think of it, I suddenly feel like Im gonna be sick and get a strong feeling of terror sweep all over me.

Its like I am terrified of it , like a proper phobia ? I dont think I would do anything stupid , and am just worried that "what if I did one day".

Please please tell me whats happening to me , Its starting to scare me.

[sophieunderscore]

I think this is quite common with anxiety... Me and a few friends who all have anxiety and mild depression were talking earlier and we all had these horrid thoughts :mad:

I was sat on the bus earlier wondering...
What if a suicide bomber is on the bus?
What if I split up with my fiance and can't cope and kill myself!
What if the bus crashes?
What if someone on the bus makes me ill?

I can't even walk down stairs without thinking about throwing myself down them! :weep:

I get the horrible feeling of panic going through me aswell

I don't know what causes these thoughts but they're completely normal with anxiety! Horrible and scary but normal!

You're not going to kill yourself, if you were going to you definitely wouldn't be worrying about it!

Sorry I have no real advice as such but I wanted you to know there is NOTHING horrific wrong with you :hugs:

[mirry]

thank you so much sophie . I guess we just have to learn to dismiss them for what they are "unrealistic thoughts" , I actually told my 2 friends tonight and they both loked at me like I was mad , and then that made me feel even more worried :lac: .

Sorry you get these horrible thoughts too , maybe its a form of OCD or something, Id love to know why ?

thank you for taking the rime to reply :hugs:

[dinkydoo]

I too have been governed by horrible irrational thoughts to the point that I was too scared to wash up sharp knives in case I suddenly stabbed myself, still gives me the shivers just thinking that, but I think it is your minds way of making you aware you need to relax, slow down, etc etc... all very easy to say I know. I think most people that do horrific things do not consider it at all, they just do it, those of who worry we will, never will. I might be wrong, just my opinion. Stress does horrible things to a mind. My friend advised that I think of it as a ''thought train'' When a negative thought comes along, think of it as 'getting on the train and leaving you''. Don't dwell on, just let it pass you by. Good luck. x

[groovygranny]

Aaw, Mirry big hug for you :hugs: .

The power of suggestion can have quite a strong effect on us when we're already sensitive with anxiety.

I only said to someone today at school, "I feel like throwing this ruddy laptop out the window!" Then, all of a sudden, I got the 'hot wave of nausea' come over me - and I thought "What if I did do it? What if I threw them all out the window?" And then got the horrible sicky feeling again that I really shouldn't have even thought it let alone said it!!!!:huh:

I'm sure, as has already been said, that stress has a lot to do with it - and of course focusing in on something that we think of or something someone says to us that somehow triggers these totally irrational thoughts.

And that is what they are Mirry - irrational. I would no sooner throw a laptop out the window than I would put a bright red sock in with a hot whites wash !!! But it doesn't stop my thoughts running away with me!

Please try not to dwell too much on this - I like dinkydoos idea of the train. The power of suggestion used in this way can have a very positive effect.:blush:

More hugs for you xxx xxx

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

:flowers: :flowers:

[mirry]

thanks dinky doo and GG :hugs: .

I woke up this morning and it was the first thing I thought about again :lac: ,
its gonna be hard getting this obsession out of my head , I never knew how strong these feelings can be.
Any tips on how to stop them ? I am starting up the mindfulness again but am struggling with it at the moment because my thoughts are so powerful.

[Jaco45er]

Mirry I had this.

When I first got anxiety I would read about people in the papers etc that had killed themselves (especially a male around my age) and panic that they had what I have and that would be the result.

A few years on, I now realise that my absolute FEAR of it was a good thing. This was a healthy reaction to those thoughts, and if I wasn't so scared then that would be the danger.

I would just say though that even when people are at thier lowest, realise that things do improve.

This site is full of members who now have their worst days behind them.

TC

Jaco

[dinkydoo]

I am the same if I hear of a person who has just discovered they are ill, seriously, I almost imagine that I have the symptoms, I have driven my Mum and husband mad with my need to be reassured.

We will get over it!!!! Stay strong!!!!!!
Love and peace. xxx

[PUGLETMUM]

:) hi mirry, i also know how you feel (surprise, surpise!) and because you are so lovely everyone wants to reassure you! heres my 2 peneth worth - i have read about this as being spoke about by a NOPANIC psychologist - NON-ANXIOUS people get these thoughts as well!!! but because they arent anxious they dont put any special meaning to them, whereas we start c***ing ourselves that this isanother sign we are unhinged and that something is going to happen or we are going to LOSE CONTROL!!!!! its all about control mirry, you dont want these thoughts because they upset you and then you continue to try to CONTROL them for fear that if you keep thinking them you WILL lose it and act on them!!! YOU WONT!!!! the same as with all other anxiety provoking situations mirry - DONT FIGHT IT!!! just take deep breaths, sit down and let it pass, which it will, it may come and go in waves, that is to be expected, until you se that not fighting and just going through it, the anx will go down and ironically you will then feel more in CONTROL, tc:flowers:

[Paddington]

Hi Mirry hun:hugs: yep i am the same matey:wacko: The thought s i have at times..woah..i think i am bonkers..it is reassuring to read that it is obviously another symptom of anxiety so good on yer for raising the subject hun:yesyes: My latest thing is constantly apologising ..TO MYSELF INSIDE MY HEAD:lac: So hun you are soooo not alone with these thoughts :hugs: Love Paddie.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[PUGLETMUM]

:hugs: awww paddy,im so glad your back, you always make me laugh:yesyes: i

[mirry]

oh guys, your replys have meant the world to me REALLY :hugs: ,
i have lost 4lb in weight in this past week with the worry and GUILT OF THINKING LIKE THIS :ohmy:, i can see in my hubbys eyes that hes upset about me being like this and that makes me feel even worse, cos I love him and when I think of my kids I cry in despair:weep: .

Emmas, when you wrote I am lovely , I started to cry but in a happy way,
dont know why ? but I think maybe I have been feeling so crap in myself that It was a shock to read it :blush: .
Sometimes I come on here and think some people really dont like me much , (more of a worry that maybe they dont like me ?) :shrug: .
Blimey I always find something to worry about :wacko: .

I think because i some bad dpression last week , I said to my husband ,
I dont want to live like this , yet I know I meant it as "living with anxiety"not as in not living:lac: .

Jaco , what you wrote made alot of sence , thank you for taking the time to help me, like you say our reaction is healthy reaction (just a little too healthy lol).

paddington (long time no chat) how are you ?
Ive been worrying for about 3 weeks about this and was too afraid to raise the subject cos I felt I would vomit with fear to even read about it, which now thanks to these replys Im starting to understand more :flowers: .
Funny you mention about apologising to your self cos I do that too, also when I am in shops and someone gets in my way and then moves to let me by , I will find myself saying "SORRY" , WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT :mad: ,
its like I dont want anyone to be angry with me (think the self esteem books need to come back out).

But to read that alot of us get these thoughts is such a help , cos it tells me that I am normal after all ,(i think) no no no , I AM :D .lol.

[PUGLETMUM]

:) right mirry im going to give you a talking to now!!!!!!! i know all about low self-esteem, me and it have been best mates since i was 14!!! but ive fallen out with it at last and its the best thing i ever did. i know you say your gonna get the books out, but mirry love you have to work on it, not just read about it!!!:yesyes: just the fact you cried when i said you were lovely,and you doubt weatherppl like you on here shows you feel bad about yourself. ive been there and bought the t-shirt with regards what you said about your husband - right so here goes - 8 months ago i had another mini breakdown(couldnt eat, sleep or be alone without panicking even if husband had only gone to the local shops, 50 metres from the door!) anyway enough was enough i booked in for private cbt(hubbys mum and dad gave his brother some money so they gave the same amount to us, best present ever), now this therapist wont take any nonsenseand she wasnt going to let me blame anything on my huband or his mother, and she told themnot to pander to me, they were to get on with things and leave me to get on with it!!!:wacko:

and i was crying and crying and talking about guilt and all this stuff and there ARE demands rthat your family are putting on you, or you are putting on yourself because of them? like not wanting them to see you ill, and carrying on for them, still looking after them? well the thing is you dont have to feel bad about what you see in your husbands eyes,it doesnt matter,the same way you cant make demands on them to understand you, you can turn it around and say 'okay welli cant ge tyou to understand what im experiencing, but i can work on myself and look after myself'!!! this is very vwery liberating mirry,they cant DEMAND you get better, you say to them this is where i am right now and i have a lot of work dealing with what im experiencing and i will not feel bad about that! guilt is sooooodestructive, weve all talked about that on here beforecoz agoros hav eit in bucketloads:weep: why mirry, do you feel bad about something that you didnt do on purpose to hurt anyone? you have nothing to feel guilty for, please know you can get better if you start to VALUE yourself, like i said about the breakdown, well ive come on leapsand bounds since then and im feeling like who i really am, so it can be done. the depression of being agoro mirry builds up year on year,you need to be kind to yourself now, you wouldnt be this hard on someone else so why are you reserving this harshness for yourself? please dont,and you will always have someone on here to be with you through your recovery:hugs: tc emma

[mirry]

oo emma , thanks hun , I really needed that :hugs: .
You are so so right , I am being so hard on myself in bucket loads ,
I remember when I did CBT I did come on leaps and bounds and then it stopped and I stopped the hard work:lac: , basically I felt Id come along way and relaxed my guard. When you said about me looking into my husbands eyes and feeling guilty "WOW" that really hit a chord.

Bloody hell , its like Ive had a slap round the face and it was just what I needed :ohmy: , I have alot of work to do but IM gonna do it:winks: .

Emma , you really should be a support worker for agros because you talk such alot of sence, I dont know how old you are but you seem to have great insight. BLESS YOU :flowers:

XXX

[lawzy]

hey there mirry,
i seriously thought i was going crazy the first time i started gettin these crazy thoughts but its reasuring to hear that other people get them too.
i dont really have any advice as im stil trying to find a way to not get scared by them as my thoughts are wel ohhhh so scary.

just know your not alone :)

[mirry]

thanks Lawzy, maybe we should have a sticky sort of thread for people to read about our experiences so they know they are not alone .

:hugs: