Coping with bowel cancer HA

[Matt1977]

Hi,

I am new to the forum - I have been suffering from bowel cancer health anxiety for around 7 years, I am 44 now and go through phases of feeling ok and then much worse, normally triggered if I have a twinge in my stomach or a slightly loose bowel movement. I think I have ibs to some degree, so this fuels the fear that I have bowel cancer.

I have done a number of the bowel cancer faecal FIT tests, which have been ok, but my mind won't allow me to accept it's ok and I have this obsessive ritual of checking the toilet bowl/paper to see if I can see any blood etc.

I have tried CBT but it didn't really work for me; I tend to need evidence that everything is ok, as opposed to more theoretical methods, which obviously isn't really possible without having constant tests. I read the statistics to try and reassure myself that it is less common at my age etc but don't allow myself to believe it.

I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice as to what may have helped them, particularly if they have a need for facts or evidence to provide reassurance. I've even considered going to the extreme of having a colonoscopy, but then would the anxiety tell me that they might have missed something?

Thanks,

Matt

[NotDeadYet]

Matt1977,

When I was at the height of my health anxiety I made it through each day by finding some new fact that would provide me with reassurance. I would spend a lot of time both at home and work scouring the internet for something that would reassure me that I did not have lymphoma. I also went through a bowel cancer phase and checked the toilet often. It's a really crappy fear. ;)

What I learned through my entire experience was that reassurance seeking was wonderful in the short run but unsustainable in the long run. A forum post or a medical article would appease me for a few hours but I would begin questioning it soon thereafter and would require a new source of reassurance. Eventually I got into therapy and did the work for CBT. CBT for me wasn't theoretical. It became incredibly practical as I practiced what I was being taught. For example, I would have the urge for reassurance and instead of seeking it out, I would challenge the urge. Ii would tell myself that the thought I was having was just a thought. It wasn't real. This didn't come easily and I had to work really hard at it. I allowed myself a lot of grace as I stumbled and picked myself up again.

The advice I have for you and really anyone is to give therapy a real shot. Daily reassurance seeking will not sustain you. You are teaching your brain a habit that it doesn't need and that isn't useful.

That probably isn't what you wanted to hear given your history with CBT but it really does wonders.

Best Wishes

[Matt1977]

Hi,

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, I think maybe I haven’t given CBT enough of a chance, so will look into revisiting it.

Thanks again.

[Fishmanpa]

While I'm not an anxiety sufferer, I've dealt with periods of time after my illnesses with anxiety and depression. I have personally used some of the techniques of CBT to help me through. I've also found that they are beneficial to help deal with everyday normal life stressors and I still employ those practices to this day. I look at it as something you continue to practice regardless of what life is throwing at you. Think of it like a normal daily life activity like hygiene. You do it because it helps keep you feeling good ;)

FMP

[Cptdebbie]

My therapist told me not to look. So, I don’t.
I force myself to flush right after, before I give in to any urges to look. I also keep my bathroom fairly dark and that helps me not to even see what’s on the tp. That is what has helped me.

I always feel like I need to clear these things with my doctor. I had a colonoscopy a year ago (I’m 61) and took the opportunity to ask my gastroenterologist if it was okay not to look. He said it was fine.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. Health anxiety is hard to overcome. You’re going to figure this out though.

Best wishes!!
Debbie

[NoraB]

I have done a number of the bowel cancer faecal FIT tests, which have been ok, but my mind won't allow me to accept it's ok and I have this obsessive ritual of checking the toilet bowl/paper to see if I can see any blood etc.

Stop checking.


I have tried CBT but it didn't really work for me; I tend to need evidence that everything is ok

That's because you have health anxiety!

How much effort did you put into CBT? How much time? Did you give up after a few weeks? Did you find it too hard? Because it's not meant to be easy. Easy is going with what your HA minds wants. The easiest thing is to go along with the flow of catastrophic and irrational thinking. Going against what your mind wants to do is hard. Re-framing is hard. Challenging those thoughts is hard. But this is how you overcome health anxiety.


I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice as to what may have helped them, particularly if they have a need for facts or evidence to provide reassurance.

I'm autistic. I have a pathological need to understand everything about my existence but I overcame HA by accepting that death & potential illness are things that I can't control. Researching the fight or flight response (in great depth) was a game changer for me and I threw absolutely everything into getting myself in a better place anxiety wise. Bowel cancer was one of my fears but acceptance came the day before my colonoscopy! I'd accepted my fate and went in there calm as anything. Turns out that I didn't have bowel cancer but that was the turning point for me..


I've even considered going to the extreme of having a colonoscopy, but then would the anxiety tell me that they might have missed something?

Yes, your HA mind would try and convince you otherwise.

Also, there are risks (albeit very small) with colonoscopies and in my opinion, the benefit has to outweigh the risks. If you have red flag symptoms then it's common sense to have bumcam, but you don't appear to have any red flags? This isn't a test that should be requested for reassurance purposes...

At the moment, you have a checking habit of checking what's in the loo. So you need to undo this habit..

Dump, wipe bum, throw bog roll in, flush - wash hands.

If there was blood in the pan, you'd see it as you throw in the loo roll. It's obvious. It was with me, and that was because I had a fissure. Mu husband bleeds with his piles too and that's obvious! Looks like Freddie Kruger's wiped his arse for him at time but he doesn't have cancer! :huh:

[Matt1977]

Hi Debbie,

Thanks very much for your help, I do make myself ‘not look’ on some days, which certainly makes my day a bit easier. Do you not have the feeling that you may have missed something if you do that? I also go to the extreme of trying to avoid red food like tomatoes as I worry I might see some red skin in the toilet and think it’s blood. I did a faecal test last year and it was clear, so that should give me the reassurance I need, but it wore off after a couple of months.

[Matt1977]

Hi NoraB,

A really good post, thanks. I do try to stop checking but worry I’ve missed a symptom.

You are right, I don’t think I gave CBT a chance, I think I was expecting it would be easy and I could recite a magic phrase, which would solve it all! I did it for a few months, but I don’t think I put enough into it.

I think accepting life and death could help me in my mindset. I often think it would be easier to have it and at least I wouldn’t have to worry about getting anymore. I feel bad thinking that way as my mum had bowel cancer almost 4 years ago. I had HA before she was diagnosed, but I am worse now as a close relative has had it.

I don’t have any red flags aside from loose stools sometimes , which I think may be ibs, so as you say it’s an extreme measure to have a colonoscopy.

[Cptdebbie]

Yes, I always have the feeling I might have missed something. It is part of health anxiety. I find that feeling easier to deal with, though, than looking and testing. When I look and test, I almost always find something to worry about. That sends me into a spiral and the next thing I know, im a big hot mess.

My health anxiety is deeply rooted. I probably will have it the rest of my life. So, I work on minimizing my anxiety and living life in spite of it.

My personal opinion is that you might want to consult with a gastroenterologist. My doc had me do my first colonoscopy at 45. That was because I had several relatives who had colon cancer in their fifties. It might not be all that extreme for you to have a colonoscopy. The fact that I had a clean colonoscopy last year helps me to worry less. I still have to flush fast, etc., but, what can I say? I have health anxiety.

Again, best wishes!!!

[NoraB]

Hi NoraB,

A really good post, thanks. I do try to stop checking but worry I’ve missed a symptom.

Classic HA dialogue Matt. 'I do try BUT....


You are right, I don’t think I gave CBT a chance, I think I was expecting it would be easy and I could recite a magic phrase, which would solve it all! I did it for a few months, but I don’t think I put enough into it.

You won't be the only person on here who expects the quick fix Matt but the reality is that it takes time, effort, and determination to recover from health anxiety and people have to be prepared to throw EVERYTHING at this disorder and for some things to fail with CBT because people have different needs and different ways of learning. For me, all it needed was a different therapist! :shrug:

However, WHAT GOES ACROSS THE BOARD is the requirement of acceptance...

Acceptance of inevitable death, of potential illness in our lifetime, and that not all illnesses are terminal.


I think accepting life and death could help me in my mindset.

It's the key to this, believe me...

I got over my fear of death (itself) decades ago because I had 'paranormal' experiences with a grandmothers who'd been dead for over seven years etc. But then I had a child and HA came at me like a train! From then my fear was about getting ill and having to leave them, and this proved to be my biggest test of all because I had a breakdown. So, if I can come back from that, then you can do this!


I feel bad thinking that way as my mum had bowel cancer almost 4 years ago. I had HA before she was diagnosed, but I am worse now as a close relative has had it.

A lot of females on my mother's side have had reproductive organ cancers and she (Mum) had it too (and survived). I can scare myself silly thinking it's a cert for me or I can rationalise the situation. I have a slightly raised risk because of family history. This doesn't mean I will develop cancer. But if I do develop cancer, it doesn't mean that I will die. Thanks to my mother I have a head's up on this and I will act on certain symptoms. A post-meno bleed 'can' be a symptom of ovarian cancer and I've had a post-meno bleed which required being fast-tracked and I was seen within a week. Dramatic, right? Death is a cert, right? Wrong! No cancer! Another occasion? My tummy kept bloating (another symptom) and I was scanned. No cancer, but I was deficient in Vit B12 - which can cause bloating. I started on the B12 supplement and no more bloating! Do you see where I'm going here? If you were to see blood in the pan after you've taken a dump, it 'can' be a symptom of cancer but it's more likely to be a symptom of the lesser (and non-life threatening) condition known as 'piles'. Or a fissure..

You have family history so it's common sense for you to be aware, but not obsessed. You get me? Aware is where you want to be with this. Obsessed is where you currently are and that's because health anxiety has you by the danglers!

Recovery from HA means that you will be able to think rationally and determine what's real and what's not and which symptoms require a trip the GP..


I don’t have any red flags aside from loose stools sometimes , which I think may be ibs, so as you say it’s an extreme measure to have a colonoscopy.

Loose stool/constipation is classic IBS. Some people have combination of the two. I have constipation dominant IBS so I need to tweak my diet accordingly. You are the currently other way so you need to add some 'bulk', right? Rice and rice-based foods are good for this. Listen to what your body is telling you it needs. This is really simple. If we're hot, we need to do stuff which will cool us down and vice-versa. Same with our guts and what comes out of our @rses! And go easy on the stimulants ( or give them the heave-ho altogether for a while)

As you say, you don't have any red flags so there's no valid reason for you to have such an invasive procedure as a colonoscopy. I had weight loss and I was waking up at 4am to take a shit (and it was liquid @ass) so I did have some red flags but I didn't have bowel cancer!

Deal with this as the issue it is - which is IBS - and work on your stress levels because the two go hand in hand..

All the best to you..

[Matt1977]

Thanks for the really helpful post and apologies for the delay in replying. I think the acceptance of life and death is a really good thing for me to take away and work on, together with finding a different person to try CBT with.

Thanks again.

[Matt1977]

I certainly am considering having a colonoscopy done, as would really help to allay any fears and give a good platform to try CBT again.

Thanks

[NoraB]

I certainly am considering having a colonoscopy done, as would really help to allay any fears and give a good platform to try CBT again.

Thanks

Unfortunately that's not always the case as HA will always try and find a way in and some people are unable to accept a clear test result. (As you have been unable to accept the FIT test). Or they do initially but then a symptom crops up (or re-emerges) and it's back on the crazy train waiting for the results (and in today's climate they might be delayed) thinking that the consultant missed something or maybe the cancer was too small to spot etc. Or it's on to a new 'disease' altogether..

It isn't testing which will help you long-term, it's therapy.