Hi im new here & have agoraphobia - very long sorry

[emma81]

Hello everyone my name is Emma i'm a 26 year old female from Scotland. I have just found this site and already am wishing i had found it long ago as it looks like it could be really helpful.


A bit about me: I was the most happy outgoing confident person who would travel anywhere and not give it a second thought up until about 2 years ago. I would happily drive from Glasgow to London and back alone to visit friends. Nothing bothered me. I dont know how the agoraphobia started, all i can remember is one fairly silly thing seemed to be the start of it -


One day 2 years ago i was driving on the motorway and i had just had a really bad argument with my best friend. I remember we had the argument because she had just moved house and wanted me to help her settle in but it was my boyfriend's birthday that day and i couldnt be in 2 places at once. So I chose to see her first and then go to his in the evening. When i was getting ready to leave hers she asked me to sit down and started to tell me all this really horrible stuff about my boyfriends family not liking me and cruel remarks they had made about me, some really nasty. Well she was my best friend and i thought she had no reason to lie to me, she couldnt be lying if she was nearly in tears telling me. But then my heart told me that over the year i had been seeing my boyfriend his family had been lovely to me, his mother would phone me up and ask me to go and see her even when my boyfriend was out, his brother and his girlfriend would ask us to go for drinks with them all the time. It just didnt make sense. However i do realise now that she had only said these things out of jealousy. I bet she had no idea what kind of impact her comments would have made on my life.


So i left hers feeling very confused and angry. As i was driving on the motorway to his house i started to feel really scared. How could i go there if all these people really did think these things about me? My stomach began to ache and i began feeling quite terrified. I remember my heart feeling so strange and i got so hot i had to open all the windows. I needed to stop at a garage and use a toilet i knew i was going to be sick. But i couldnt get off the motorway, instead i found myself stuck in a traffic jam and vomiting in my car at the wheel. My stomach was cramping so so painfully and i just desperately wanted to get home. I phoned my boyfriend in tears saying i was so sorry i couldnt be there for his birthday but i felt so unwell. I coundnt tell him what she had said.


I spent almost 2 hours in absolute agony stuck on the motorway - sorry to be so graphic - but with sick all over me, stomach in pain, hot flushes, heart feeling like it was racing and missing beats. When the traffic jam finally cleared i just felt like i was in this state of terror all the way home - about another 50 miles.


The next time i tried to travel anywhere that same feeling came over me, so i avoided going. I continued to avoid travelling anywhere that meant i couldnt get home quickly until i got to where i am today, 2 years on, stuck in a life where i never travel further than a few miles from my home. I live in the middle of nowhere so there are no shops i can get to easily for clothes or anything, i now rely on the internet for buying everything other than food shopping.


I hate this life i am trapped in now i dont even recognise who i am anymore. At the beginning of this year i thought everything was going to get better, i was pregnant with my first baby and thought it might help me get some confidence back. However i lost the baby at 6 months into the pregnancy and in the 9 months since that happened i have been worse than ever. I have sunk into a depression, am on Citalopram medication, barely leave the house, and just about everything panics me now.


I'm sorry this post is so long i didnt mean it to be. I have seen my GP and am now being referred to see someone in my local mental health team in the next few weeks hopefully. I really want to overcome this it is ruining my life, plus i am getting married in 8 months and i really need my confidence back.


I would love to chat with anyone else who suffers or has suffered with agoraphobia, as i know no one else 'like me'

Thanks for reading, Emma :)

[trac67]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum, you will get a lot of good advice here and make some new friends.

Feel free to join our ongoing agoraphobia diary thread, where a few of us post daily and give one another support and encouragement the link is below hun :

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=24387

Take care

Trac xxxx

[pink daisy]

Hi Emma

Pink-daisey here. I'm 28 and an agoraphobic, similar to you. I've been agoraphobic in one way or another since my teens, but I have 2 children and I managed to get married last year.

My husband has written about my agoraphobia in a blog. You can read all about my story if you want to at -

http://mywifehasagoraphobia.blogspot.com/ (http://mywifehasagoraphobia.blogspot.com/)

Don't let the fact that I (and some others) have had agoraphobia for so long worry you. For most people it doesn't last anywhere near as long.

I won't be able to help you to get rid of your agoraphobia cos I haven't been able to get rid of mine! :emot-crying: But I might be able to help you to cope with it while you have it if you want.

Anyhow, if you'd like to chat sometime, just reply to this message or send me private mail (click on my name at this top of this message).

Best wishes and hugs:hugs:

pink-daisey

[PUGLETMUM]

:) hi emma, im so sorry that this has happened to you, and it does sound like a very rapid onset of agoro, bu tgive the experience in the car then really its no wonder!!! but had you known what you need to know then, you wouldnt have become agoro, so dont feel bad about wha thasd happened to you!!

what happens is, you may know this now, that first attack is a very very strong fight or flight response and because you couldnt 'run' because you got stuck in the car, you were left focusing on all the horrible symptoms you were feeling which had been sparked by an emotional situation(big argument and nastiness from rejected freind). so were you there with panic, doubt, worry. sadness etc etc all negative emotions possible with regard this relationship, and whether you were being judged by people you had trusted liked you?

right, well if you could have broken it down into these component parts and seen it for what it was you would have dealt with it mentally a different way, you would have said ' okay well im extremely shaken by what has just occured between me and my friend, plus she has put a seed of doubt into my mind about my position in his family, but i will not believe that because i have no evidence and also she is feeling scorned and is lashing out at me(amazing emma how cruel people can be when they are threatened!)'

you may have had the panic attack, but i think not, because it is this sort of emotionally driven situation that can start this off - anyway then the next phase starts - you dont understand what has happened because youve never experienced something of that magnitude before?? plus you just dont know anything about this sort of thing,why would you? - so tyou are bewildered and fearful, mainly at the thought of re-entering that situation - BEING TRAPPED IN TRAFFIC WITH THAT STRENGTH OF PANIC- only now it doesnt have to be on a motorway, or miles and miles away? just the thought of being trapped ANYWHERE can start it off? so your mind is conditioned into thinking there is DANGER everywhere,when there actually isnt, because every time you go to put yourself in similar situation, your unconcious screams 'DANGER'

that is all it is!!!! very very simple really but it causes so much heartache to so many people, unfortunately it can and does happen to anyone. and once you start to doubt yourself,and put yourself down for being like this it just gets worse and worse. BUT you can get better, but it wont just go away, you have to tackle it and you have to face your most feared situations. this is the hard part, but atleast you know now whar is happening so that can make it a little easier - you can go into a panic provoking situation, know your going to panic, and also know tha tyou will come out the other end. its called desensitization, and it does work, but you have to change your mental attitude towards panic first, its no good being afraid of it, youve got to continue despite being afraid of it.

i would recommend going to the NOPANIC site, becoming a member and getting their 12 week recovery programme, you may get help from your health authority, but you also need to get some really good self-help material, claire weekes is good, tc keep posting:flowers:

[honeybee3939]

Hi Emma

Just wanted to Welcome you to NMP, its lovely to see you here, im sure you will get some great advice, support and make new friends too.:smile:

Love
:hugs:
Andrea
xxxxx

[manmoor]

Hi Emma,

A big warm welcome to you. xx

[kittykat]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry about your loss and how you've been going through such a tough time at the moment, it just brings home to me how saying things without thinking can really impact on peoples lifes
Anyway :welcome: to the site and you'll get good advice from people that can help you get through this.............take care xx

[Lindalou64]

HI EMMA AND WELCOME TO THE SITE......LINDA

[groovygranny]

Hello Emma:welcome: to you!

Oh you have had a really horrible time haven't you? big hugs :hugs:

You will find so much help, advice and support here - so I hope this will lift you spirits a little.

This circle of fear can be broken - there are many testimonies here that support that. But it can be a slow process , which is where the support from NMP kicks in!

I really don't know how I would have managed if I hadn't found this site 15mnths ago.

So glad you found us - pleased to meet you!

:flowers:

[Nibbles]

Hi Emma and :welcome:

You'll get loads of advice and support here while making new friends along the way. You've really been through some difficult times and I can completely understand how frightening things can be. Hopefully you'll get to see someone from the mental health team soon and by taking some steps, plus the support from NMP, you'll soon be back on track.

Take care,

Mike :)

[emma81]

Hi i just wanted to say thanks to everyone who replied and welcomed me (especially emmas for explaining it all physiologically to me!) i am sure i will find this site very supportive.

I look forward to getting to know you better and finding some support in getting through this horrible place in my life!

Emma :)

[Pink Princess]

http://dl3.glitter-graphics.net/pub/24/24894f1ax16upro.gif

welcome to the site xxx

take kare xxxxxxxxxx

[nomorepanic]

Hi Emma

:welcome: aboard and lovely to see you here.

Hope we can be of some help.

[Pickle]

Hi Emma

Welcome to NMP, you will find loads of support and good advice here

Take care

[tina]

hi emma ive had agoraphobia for the last 18 years i to was outgoing and now i can just about get in my back garden, ive not given up though im determined to get back out there, hope all goes well for u if u want to talk anytime just send me mail x