emma81
16-11-07, 01:27
Hello everyone my name is Emma i'm a 26 year old female from Scotland. I have just found this site and already am wishing i had found it long ago as it looks like it could be really helpful.
A bit about me: I was the most happy outgoing confident person who would travel anywhere and not give it a second thought up until about 2 years ago. I would happily drive from Glasgow to London and back alone to visit friends. Nothing bothered me. I dont know how the agoraphobia started, all i can remember is one fairly silly thing seemed to be the start of it -
One day 2 years ago i was driving on the motorway and i had just had a really bad argument with my best friend. I remember we had the argument because she had just moved house and wanted me to help her settle in but it was my boyfriend's birthday that day and i couldnt be in 2 places at once. So I chose to see her first and then go to his in the evening. When i was getting ready to leave hers she asked me to sit down and started to tell me all this really horrible stuff about my boyfriends family not liking me and cruel remarks they had made about me, some really nasty. Well she was my best friend and i thought she had no reason to lie to me, she couldnt be lying if she was nearly in tears telling me. But then my heart told me that over the year i had been seeing my boyfriend his family had been lovely to me, his mother would phone me up and ask me to go and see her even when my boyfriend was out, his brother and his girlfriend would ask us to go for drinks with them all the time. It just didnt make sense. However i do realise now that she had only said these things out of jealousy. I bet she had no idea what kind of impact her comments would have made on my life.
So i left hers feeling very confused and angry. As i was driving on the motorway to his house i started to feel really scared. How could i go there if all these people really did think these things about me? My stomach began to ache and i began feeling quite terrified. I remember my heart feeling so strange and i got so hot i had to open all the windows. I needed to stop at a garage and use a toilet i knew i was going to be sick. But i couldnt get off the motorway, instead i found myself stuck in a traffic jam and vomiting in my car at the wheel. My stomach was cramping so so painfully and i just desperately wanted to get home. I phoned my boyfriend in tears saying i was so sorry i couldnt be there for his birthday but i felt so unwell. I coundnt tell him what she had said.
I spent almost 2 hours in absolute agony stuck on the motorway - sorry to be so graphic - but with sick all over me, stomach in pain, hot flushes, heart feeling like it was racing and missing beats. When the traffic jam finally cleared i just felt like i was in this state of terror all the way home - about another 50 miles.
The next time i tried to travel anywhere that same feeling came over me, so i avoided going. I continued to avoid travelling anywhere that meant i couldnt get home quickly until i got to where i am today, 2 years on, stuck in a life where i never travel further than a few miles from my home. I live in the middle of nowhere so there are no shops i can get to easily for clothes or anything, i now rely on the internet for buying everything other than food shopping.
I hate this life i am trapped in now i dont even recognise who i am anymore. At the beginning of this year i thought everything was going to get better, i was pregnant with my first baby and thought it might help me get some confidence back. However i lost the baby at 6 months into the pregnancy and in the 9 months since that happened i have been worse than ever. I have sunk into a depression, am on Citalopram medication, barely leave the house, and just about everything panics me now.
I'm sorry this post is so long i didnt mean it to be. I have seen my GP and am now being referred to see someone in my local mental health team in the next few weeks hopefully. I really want to overcome this it is ruining my life, plus i am getting married in 8 months and i really need my confidence back.
I would love to chat with anyone else who suffers or has suffered with agoraphobia, as i know no one else 'like me'
Thanks for reading, Emma :)
A bit about me: I was the most happy outgoing confident person who would travel anywhere and not give it a second thought up until about 2 years ago. I would happily drive from Glasgow to London and back alone to visit friends. Nothing bothered me. I dont know how the agoraphobia started, all i can remember is one fairly silly thing seemed to be the start of it -
One day 2 years ago i was driving on the motorway and i had just had a really bad argument with my best friend. I remember we had the argument because she had just moved house and wanted me to help her settle in but it was my boyfriend's birthday that day and i couldnt be in 2 places at once. So I chose to see her first and then go to his in the evening. When i was getting ready to leave hers she asked me to sit down and started to tell me all this really horrible stuff about my boyfriends family not liking me and cruel remarks they had made about me, some really nasty. Well she was my best friend and i thought she had no reason to lie to me, she couldnt be lying if she was nearly in tears telling me. But then my heart told me that over the year i had been seeing my boyfriend his family had been lovely to me, his mother would phone me up and ask me to go and see her even when my boyfriend was out, his brother and his girlfriend would ask us to go for drinks with them all the time. It just didnt make sense. However i do realise now that she had only said these things out of jealousy. I bet she had no idea what kind of impact her comments would have made on my life.
So i left hers feeling very confused and angry. As i was driving on the motorway to his house i started to feel really scared. How could i go there if all these people really did think these things about me? My stomach began to ache and i began feeling quite terrified. I remember my heart feeling so strange and i got so hot i had to open all the windows. I needed to stop at a garage and use a toilet i knew i was going to be sick. But i couldnt get off the motorway, instead i found myself stuck in a traffic jam and vomiting in my car at the wheel. My stomach was cramping so so painfully and i just desperately wanted to get home. I phoned my boyfriend in tears saying i was so sorry i couldnt be there for his birthday but i felt so unwell. I coundnt tell him what she had said.
I spent almost 2 hours in absolute agony stuck on the motorway - sorry to be so graphic - but with sick all over me, stomach in pain, hot flushes, heart feeling like it was racing and missing beats. When the traffic jam finally cleared i just felt like i was in this state of terror all the way home - about another 50 miles.
The next time i tried to travel anywhere that same feeling came over me, so i avoided going. I continued to avoid travelling anywhere that meant i couldnt get home quickly until i got to where i am today, 2 years on, stuck in a life where i never travel further than a few miles from my home. I live in the middle of nowhere so there are no shops i can get to easily for clothes or anything, i now rely on the internet for buying everything other than food shopping.
I hate this life i am trapped in now i dont even recognise who i am anymore. At the beginning of this year i thought everything was going to get better, i was pregnant with my first baby and thought it might help me get some confidence back. However i lost the baby at 6 months into the pregnancy and in the 9 months since that happened i have been worse than ever. I have sunk into a depression, am on Citalopram medication, barely leave the house, and just about everything panics me now.
I'm sorry this post is so long i didnt mean it to be. I have seen my GP and am now being referred to see someone in my local mental health team in the next few weeks hopefully. I really want to overcome this it is ruining my life, plus i am getting married in 8 months and i really need my confidence back.
I would love to chat with anyone else who suffers or has suffered with agoraphobia, as i know no one else 'like me'
Thanks for reading, Emma :)