How do you support someone with HA?

[ldickerson1973]

I'm trying to be supportive for my husband with his health issues. I don't know how though. He seems to get angry no matter what I do. If I am reassuring and positive he gets mad at me. If I get sad and feel depressed because he's upset he says I bring him down and cause his depression. I literally don't know how to act or feel anymore. I want to do what's best for him. It just seems like everything I do is wrong. [emoji22]

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[gillebro]

Hi there!

Firstly, I want to commend you for your kindness. Supporting someone with an anxiety disorder, especially one that can be as all-encompassing as HA, is not easy, and I sincerely hope that your husband lets you know that he appreciates your efforts. If he isn't, that's not on. I get and understand his suffering (takes one to know one), but support should never be taken for granted.

As for how to support him better, it's true that everybody is different, and what works for some may not work for others. One thing I would suggest you try is being carefully neutral. Saying something along the lines of "I'm so sorry you're struggling. I love you and I'm here to listen if you want to talk" might be the right way to go. Perhaps give that a try?

[ldickerson1973]

Thanks. I try to listen and be understanding. I'm always here for him no matter what. Sometimes I just feel so lost and helpless.

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[BlueIris]

If he's telling you that you're making things worse, then you need to be taking less care of him and more of yourself.

Speaking as somebody whose HA used to be way out of control, the eventual catalyst to me getting sorted was that I couldn't handle the way my behaviour was hurting my husband. Be kind, certainly, but be firm, and don't take any crap.

[ldickerson1973]

Hi Blue Iris
Thank you so much for answering my post. I hear what you are saying. It makes me feel a lot better. I just don't know how to do that. Every time I am firm or try to take care of myself I feel guilty. I'm used to being The dumping ground for everybody so when I try to take care of myself I just wind up feeling worse. There have been times when I've been firm with him and he gets upset and explains to me why I'm wrong and then I just feel worse. Do you have any tips on how to take care of myself without hurting him? Thanks [emoji3531]

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[BlueIris]

This is going to sound brutal, but maybe back away a little and let him dig himself out of his own hole?

I love my husband dearly, he's the kindest man I know but when my HA got out of control he began using tough love - he didn't reassure me beyond a certain point, and kept on reminding me that I was being irrational and had to learn to fix my faulty thinking patterns. I thought it was brutal and cruel at the time, but I knew how badly I was hurting him and I also knew he'd never take a real health issue he thought I had lightly. In the end, I began trusting him when he said I was being irrational, and that (plus therapy, plus meditation, plus antidepressants) helped me back to relative sanity.

Obviously don't be spiteful, but don't lose sight of the fact he's behaving spitefully towards you. You deserve better than this, and it's okay to ask for it.

Please feel free to PM me to chat if you want?

[ldickerson1973]

Thanks. I'm just very confused right now. I have my own anxiety and issues that I'm dealing with. Currently I'm being bullied at my job. My husband will tell me to just compartmentalize and deal with it. But if I ever said that to him he'd freak out. I honestly don't know how to give him tough love and take care of myself without causing more problems. Sometimes it's easier just to take it. But my energy is being sapped away and I can't function anymore. I hear everything you're saying and it makes sense to me. I'm just really scared to actually try it.

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[BlueIris]

That's okay, it really is scary, particularly if you're having a tough time with your job.

Maybe try one small thing, like taking a long bath or shower with the door locked so that you can't be interrupted?

I really feel for you, you seem like such a lovely person and I've had domineering partners in the past.

[ldickerson1973]

Thanks. I've been married 20 years and my ex fiance was really abusive. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. I really appreciate you replying to me. It helps to get perspective from other people.

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[ldickerson1973]

How did your husband demonstrate his tough love without being cruel? Maybe some examples would help me. Thanks

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[BlueIris]

He wouldn't reassure me when I asked, he'd just ignore it. It was tough sometimes but I gradually realised that if he could dismiss my fears, so could I.

[ldickerson1973]

Hmmm I never thought about that. I finally told my husband today to stop talking endlessly about his health issues until he sees the Dr and has facts. He apologized and stopped. Thanks for the advice. [emoji3531]

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[BlueIris]

That's such great going - congratulations!