My dad passed and now my mom has a painful, swollen neck, starting to spiral

[lofwyr]

Hey guys.

My dad recently passed away at 82, just a couple weeks ago. My mom and I are devastated, naturally, even though it wasn't a total surprise.

Now, in the past couple days my mom, who is 81, has developed a painful swelling on the side of her neck. It could be a million things, and I am not googling, nor do I plan to, but the worry after losing my father, the catastrophizing is right there, and I am having a hell of a time subduing it. She has no other real symptoms.

I have coping tools, but they seem weak and pathetic in the face of grief and stress we both feel. I worry about my mom succumbing to the grief she feels. I know this swelling could even be an immune response from the anxiety and depression she is feeling. The only thing worse than having lost my father would be to lose my mother so soon after. There, that is the catastrophizing again, right there in print.

While she is going to get it checked tomorrow, for which I am grateful, I cannot process the emotions and stress of the past couple of weeks very well. I feel twisted and broken, and like I cannot access the tools I know I have.

How do you guys cope with the grief along side the anxiety we normally battle? I have lost one parent, and now am projecting my HA onto my mother because I so worried about losing her too, it is like all the years of progress pushing back and living with the anxiety have vanished.

Grief and anxiety make excellent bedfellows, as it turns out, and I want to kick anxiety back out of the house.

[ccake79]

I don't have any answers, only sympathy. I'm so sorry for your loss. My health anxiety over other people started after my Dad died 5 years ago. My mum also had health issues straight after his death, which were fully investigated and turned out to be stress related. Grief can do all sorts of things.

It's hard not to have thoughts spiral out of control. I'm sure there's people on here who will have some good advice.

[Catkins]

So sorry you're going through this. My mum died earlier this year and grief and anxiety are very tough to deal with.

Even though your coping tools feel week, keep doing them, would it help talking about how you're feeling to your GP?

[lofwyr]

As a follow up to this, it was an odd type of ear infection that grew on the outside of her neck below her ear. Antibiotics knocked it out.

All is well onthat front, though she told me now tonight that she has a small cough and runny nose and has been sneezing all day. She is fully vaccinated but is also in her 80s, so the covid worry perked up. I am putting the cart way before the horse, but still...ugh.

I never thought my parents would be the focal point of my HA. I just have a tough time bearing the thought of losing my mother in the wake of losing my father, I find myself projecting this worry. HA and greif seem to be very good bedfellows....

[pulisa]

You'll be very suggestible to any sign of ill health in your mother as you have realised..You're very fragile understandably after losing your dad so unexpectedly and anything which you perceive as threatening your mum will terrify you..It's like losing your bearings and security.

I'm glad that the swollen neck turned out to be easily treated. I think you need to allow yourself to grieve for your dad but not allow yourself to ruminate about your mother dying because you need to enjoy good quality time with her rather than fearing the worst and watching her like a hawk.

[Carnation]

I was in your position almost 8 years ago. All timed during my breakdown and recovery period.
I could say many things but I think you need to hear that somehow you do cope and find the extra strength to deal with whatever happens. Try to take time out for yourself and suggest also some more quality time with your mum as opposed to focusing on the health matters for the both of you. Looking after and worrying about parents can be such a strain on your energy levels too so make sure you do something for yourself. The grieving period for my dad seemed to get shelved as everything was focused on my mum. So you need those moments to yourself too.