Battling on

[carriewriting]

Hi friends, long time no post. That's been a big step forward for me.

I've had health anxiety for 15 years and it got really out of control when my mum died 4 years ago. But I have made major progress in the past year with thanks to some awesome people here and lots of therapy.

I'm going through a really rough patch at the moment. My dad died suddenly two weeks ago and since then just about every health anxiety fear I've ever had has returned and tried to bring me undone.

For the most part I've been able to get through these multi-daily episodes by reminding myself that I'm in a super vulnerable state and that the lump, bump, rash, ache or pain I've suddenly become fixated on is most likely anxiety. Also, I find theses fears are a lot worse at night, so I often just head for bed early when it starts to feel overwhelming.

The thing that helps the most though is telling myself that, in the unlikely event that something is wrong with me, that I will just have to make the best of it.

That was my dad's motto. In the past 20 years he was diagnosed with prostate, bowel and bladder cancer, plus had three melanomas. He beat them all. He died of something we could never have seen coming and lived his best life up until the moment that happened.

I'm more determined than ever to banish this anxiety for good now, even though it's giving me a really big whack at the moment, I'm battling on.

I hope you are too x

[Carys]

Hi again Carrie,

Huge condolences on the loss of your Father, sounds like it was a shock and sudden. Its not surprising that your old ghosts are haunting you at this time - but same as I've said to you before - you have all the answers here in your post. You process your anxiety problems (in my opinion) terribly well and its just a case of you putting them into practice. Your Dad sounds like he was a fantastic man and strong role-model, particularly on matters of 'health and living'. Thats a gift he leaves to you, a message to carry forward in life.


in the unlikely event that something is wrong with me, that I will just have to make the best of it.

This has been my mental strategy the last few years, and it has worked well for me. Take care x

[pulisa]

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, Carrie. I can't add anything else to what Carys has said....Your dad would be so proud that you are now adopting his attitude to life and living. It IS the best way you can honour his memory particularly when you hit the inevitable bumpy patches. You DO have all the answers to effective management of HA. You DO have control over your reactions to triggers.

Rest as much as you can and look after yourself mentally and physically xx

[Catkins]

So sorry to hear this. My mum died earlier this year unexpectedly. Hang on in there and keep doing all the good things that you are doing.

[carriewriting]

Thanks so much for your kindness and continued words of wisdom. They mean the world to me!

[carriewriting]

Sigh. Posting to talk myself out of the spiral I've been in today. I'm panicking that my daughter might have been exposed to a broken piece of asbestos sheeting while getting boxes out down from my dad's garage. I'll get it checked out next week, but in the meantime I've spent 6 hours down a rabbit hole obsessing about it this afternoon/evening. I've been locked in my room Googling so much that it was too late to cook dinner by the time I forced myself to stop.

I've reminded myself that (1) I don't know it was asbestos (2) even if it was, I can do nothing about it. (3) asbestos related disease takes 30 years on average to show up (4) one exposure is low risk for disease (5) who know what treatments there would be in 30 years!

And, of course, the biggest one, that I am in the depths of grief and everything is heightened so seems worse than it is. But also, I need to stay far, far away from Google for a while. I'm going to put a sticky note on my laptop and go to bed.

[apm]

Keep the faith! It's just a part of your journey, a blip on your recovery. You just need to restabilise, and things will be back to normal.

[pulisa]

You do have to put a block on Google if you can't stop yourself from actively seeking it out. Especially now when you are fragile and so recently bereaved.

Shut Google down and make it impossible to access? Do yourself a huge favour and protect your significant progress. Don't be a victim of a soulless search engine x

[ccake79]

Condolences on the loss of your dad. My father dying set off my health anxiety and massive fear of asbestos. I've made myself steer clear of Google and it has helped. It's so tough though and my thoughts are with you.

[carriewriting]

Hi again, I'm feeling a bit calmer about the asbestos thing and got my period so that probably didn't help the anxiety.

I've been listening to my favourite anxiety book "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" That always helps me a lot.

Thanks again for all your help getting me back on the wagon.

[carriewriting]

Literal laugh or you'll cry moment today.

I just got back from seeing my therapist and was feeling pretty good. Then I go to get changed into workout clothes and discover a huge oily mark on the front of my dress right over my left breast. I strip off my dress and see my bra is soaked. Check my breast and it's covered in oil!!

The bra insert has leaked all over me!

Have scrubbed myself three times with soapy water.

Taking deep breaths and trying not to catastrophise about breast cancer.

It's an odorless oil so I'm guessing it's mineral based. Hopefully nothing too nasty in it, but too late if it was.

Talk about the last thing I need right now.

Also my dress was new! So annoying. I was wearing a denim jacket over the dress so no idea how long it had been there but possibly up to 3 hours.

[pulisa]

Can you imagine carcinogenic oil being a component of a bra insert?

[carriewriting]

Thanks Pulisa, I know it's dumb, but talk about just my luck to have this happen! From now on I'll be wearing plain old ordinary bras with no inserts!

[Carys]

What is a bra insert ? I thought they were foam and stuff.

[carriewriting]

Carys these were squishy as they have a mix of oil and water (like an implant I guess).

Anyway, since that happened I've cycled through about 10 other health anxiety things so I've barely thought about it!

I didn't expect to back slide so hard, but my hyper vigilance is next level. I need to get some new defence strategies.

[pulisa]

I think you need to believe in the strategies you already use to your advantage and be strict with yourself.

[Carys]

Yeah - with Pulisa. You have the answers, you are using them already, just up your game with the strategies you know :)

[pulisa]

Keep things simple and don't feel you need to incorporate a new approach because you don't. Just have faith in your own judgement as regards known triggers and don't give in to harmful compulsions which bring predictable outcomes.

[carriewriting]

Thanks Pulisa and Carys. I needed to read this. As you can no doubt tell, I'm really struggling, but checking in here helps a lot.

[pulisa]

You need to reinforce what you already know and have faith in your proven resilience and determination to be able to manage your HA successfully. You've had a really rough time recently and dealing with all the trauma of bereavement will have had a knock on effect on your MH...You're only human, Carrie and it's so tough when you're trying to keep your head above water in such difficult times. I'm glad it helps to post on here..x