Reassurance

[Bill]

Reassurance is a funny business.

The following is what I was told by a therapist.

When we're worried about something we always ask for reassurance and once we feel assured, the anxiety goes down and we feel relieved! The trouble is that because we're worriers, something else will crop up and again we'll ask for reassurance.

Imagine a waving line with peaks and troughs. The peaks are the anxiety. The troughs are after we've been reassured.

What's happening is by receiving reassurance, the anxiety is immediately relieved rather than letting it go of it's own accord gradually. By receiving immediate relief, the cycle keeps repeating.

In other words, we're not building our own confidence but relying instead on others to reassure us. If we build our own confidence then we no longer need reassurance because we cope with what's worrying us ourselves.

I know that sounds vague but I hope it makes some sense.:wacko:

[Lilith1980]

Hi Bill, it makes perfect sense :)

I am trying to seek less reassurance from my partner, most definitely. Its not easy though because sometimes I am so upset I just want him to tell me he'll never leave and that he will never let me down. I explained this isn't because I think badly of him, its deep-rooted. I was let down early on in childhood and its stuck with me that this is what to expect, after certain relationships in my teens and early 20s weren't what they should have been.

I didnt sleep very well last night, I woke up quite tired this morning and was worrying. My partner is out on Wednesday night, filming a corporate event but my mind was running wild last night when he told me he'd be doing it. Worried that when he goes for a drink about whether he'll meet another girl or one that we know already and end up with her. Doesnt matter who it is. Its the underlying feeling of being let down.


I couldnt seek reassurance this morning as I was on my way into work and my partner was still asleep. I read a self-help book and by the time I got off the bus (35 minutes later) the anxiety had lessened a lot. I still remembered what I had initially been anxious about (sometimes I dont remember) but I told myself not to dwell on it.


Sorry for the waffle, I would like to work towards not asking for reassurance from my partner. But I realise it will take time and work and I shouldnt expect anything to happen over night.

[beauty]

Yeah it does, its true i find I will get reassurance off someone either on this board or at home, and it keeps me going and calm for maybe 2weeks but then it kind of gradually wears off and then i need new reassurance.
You're right though i guess the only way to get permenant reassurance is to get it from yourself then you can also rely on yourself instead of others.

[Bill]

We all need to build confidence in ourselves so that we can cope when reassurance can't be found but there's no harm asking for a second opinion when we're troubled.

Past experiences can create a fear of abandonment which drives our anxiety of being betrayed or let down. Instead of looking at people in a positive light of faith and trust, our fear of abandonment makes us negative expecting to be betrayed because that's what we've become used to. It takes a lot of time based on trust before we start to feel secure and so no longer need the constant reassurances. Again, when we're made to feel secure, we gain confidence and the fear subsides.

This fear also makes us "test" our partners to find out if we really can put our our trust in them.

Rather like an animal that's always been badly treated. It takes a long time to gain its trust. That's why reassurance is a funny business because it works differently depending on the circumstances but the bottom line is building confidence in our own abilities helps us to cope with whatever confronts us whether it's a health anxiety or fear of abandonment.

Sometimes we need to rely on others but when they let us down, we mustn't immediately draw the conclusion "Well, it's what I would expect anyway". That's the past talking, the negative approach created by fear of abandonment. If we have confidence in ourselves then we're less sensitive, more able to reason and understand when sometimes it's impossible for people to do what is asked of them.

Fear of abandonment creates a need for constant reassurance just as do health anxieties but confidence in ourselves can rectify this need just as confidence can help to overcome other fears.

[tonkaboy]

Hi Bill,

Yet again, you've come up with a sound principle. Reassurance is like a drug dependency I guess - you need more and more to get the same effect. It becomes a craving.

I believe one of the crucial ways to cope with anxiety is to see that you are your own safe person and that nothing bad will actually ever happen, no matter how distressed you feel. Confident people don't need constant reassurance because they believe in their own ability to cope.

I understand all of the theory but putting it into practice takes a big step of faith. Push on and see what happens. And do it again and again.

Thats what I'm trying to do. In my moments of clarity, I can see that the intrusive thoughts I'm suffering from are cobblers. I've tried to stop seeking reassurance and feel it's something I have to do for myself. At the moment, I feel happy that they're just figments of my imagination and try my best to ignore them, at least not get upset with them, and get on with my day.

Talk to you soon.

A

[Believe]

Hello ,

Bill have you ever fancied writing a book. It sure seems to me you have the best out there. You never seem to run out of things to say. An you make them so easy to understand. Not trying to upset you here.

I too relied on reassurances, but I am breaking that habit, every now an again, it strikes again, but nothing like the beginning. I have faith in myself, and I am working hard at being my own safe person.

[Bill]

:winks: :blush: Wow! How could your post upset me!? Don't think I've ever been paid such a compliment! Thank you :hugs: xxx

When I read posts, there's often something someone says that triggers my thoughts and memories so I feel compelled to share in the hope it might help. Maybe I talk too much! I'm actually a very quiet person!:blush:

I guess I've just had experience of most anxieties and their symptoms. I just want to help.

Writing a book would mean people paying for my opinions. I'd rather give them freely. I'm not always right.

Your compliment has made my day!!! Thank you!!!:hugs: :)

A, Thank you for your kind words too. You're doing exactly what I do and I cope ok so I'm Sure you're on the right road!:winks:

[Krakers]

Hi Bill - I think this thread would be better placed under health anxiety.

GAD sufferers have problems for multiple reasons. A simple reassurance doesn't reassure me (apart from one time, but it was more an explanation than a reassurance).

Being diagnosed didn't help me, neither did my docs "chemical inbalance" theory at the time. Changed docs 6 months later, and his explanations are what helped me, not reassurance.

Think I'm arguing the same point here - just on the wrong forum.

Knowing what was going on with my body helped me greatly. I'm a strong believer in "self talk", and you can only do this when you accept your symptoms are self induced (however unwitingly - its not like I like having an elevated adrenalin level all the time).

The point I'm trying to make is that the road to recovery begins with acceptance. You can get as many second opinions as you like, but if you don't accept yourself that anxiety is the route cause, then you'll chase opinion after opinion after opinion.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that you need to accept your condition (with all its 100's of related symptoms). Once you can say - "there goes my anxiety again", you can cope far better than worrying unneccessarily.

Whats the point looking to the past when tomorrow can be sooooooooo much better ?

Your point is both good and valid, just maybe not so for GAD sufferers.

Krakers.

[Lilith1980]

I agree that once you start accepting the anxiety, then it gets easier. I also think that once you have the acceptance, then the need for reassurance lessens as well.

Not only are you accepting the anxiety, you are accepting yourself. You're not beating yourself up over your condition. You accept it is there and are in a better, stronger position to make the move to recovery.

I think reassurance would mean different things to people with different forms of anxiety. For me, I seek reassurance in order to feel better about myself as a person and to try and reinforce my sense of self worth when in fact that has to come from within me.

[Bill]

Hello Krakers,

I wasn’t sure myself where it would be best to place this topic but the more I thought about it, the more I felt it covered more than just health anxiety.

We seek reassurance when we’re worried we’re ill.

As you say Krakers - You can get as many second opinions as you like, but if you don't accept yourself that anxiety is the route cause, then you'll chase opinion after opinion after opinion. – If we have to make an important decision, we get anxious about making the right choice so we ask others for their opinions for reassurance. However, the more people we ask who have different opinions, the more confused and anxious we become.

Even on minor decisions like shopping, we could go through a number of items and need reassurance as to which one to buy. Often we also look for the “perfect” item if there are many the same of one type so again need reassurance that it’s ok to pick something just short of “perfect”.

In lilith’s case, reassurance is needed for self-worth.

An OCD sufferer attempting to lock a door will ask for reassurance from a partner to assure them that the door is locked.

If when we’re young we’re either put down by others or simply not allowed to do things or makes decisions for ourselves, when we’re older and the responsibility is then ours, we become anxious so need reassurance.

Yes, we need to accept that it’s our anxiety talking which in a way also builds our confidence. We need to do things or cope with worries ourselves so that we learn self-belief and so have faith in ourselves and so are better able to cope with whatever anxiety we have to tackle.

[Krakers]

Hi Bill - I have quite a few niggles with your last post, not restricted to OCD, but thats one of the biggies.

I feel that no good can come from me taking a contrary view point on any subjects you have raised so far. All are valied, and that brings us back to our view point / subjectiveness.

People are obviously benefiting from this thread, so I shall graciously bow out.

So far I haven't heard Bill say anything that isn't true. While any coin may have 2 sides, me sticking my oar in will be counter productive.

Best wishes all, and especially to Bill who is willing to go out on a limb and plucks pearls or wisdom from the oisters mouth himself.

Krakers.

[Bill]

Hi Krakers,

I'm Always open to other points of view. I don't feel I'm always right. I just express my opinions and I wouldn't want to mislead people either.

It's an open forum. I enjoy listening, I like to learn and so I try to keep an open mind.

You shouldn't bow out if something I say niggles you. The more opinions the better.:winks:

[Krakers]

Hi Bill - its just such a big melting pot- Anxiety, Helath anxiety, OCD. I couldn't possibly address them all at once.

While I am strongly oppinionated, I haven't seen you give anything but good advice. Me arguing over the finer points serves no purpose.

Krakers.

[Bill]

That's ok Krakers, I think I understand what you're saying, and yes, I agree that it is a Big melting pot.:)

If I'm right in what you're thinking, I wasn't meaning to say reassurance is the only factor. I just try to break the different factors down to bite size pieces because it's such a big melting pot of various factors.

Hope that sounds ok.

[margrtking]

I have to reassure myself most of the time. Im so unsure most of the time,either by talking to myself or asking someone to relieve it but this still dont help sometimes. I hate it.

[Bill]

It's always nice to see one of my old threads re-surface. Thank you.:hugs:

Im so unsure most of the time

That's often a symptom of a lack of confidence. We doubt ourselves so question all our actions and decisions. Building self-confidence can go a long way towards easing anxiety. For instance, what happens when we start to learn to drive? We feel anxious questioning ourselves whether we're really capable and what if we get things wrong or never learn or make a fool of ourselves or...and so on. Once we've passed our test though, driving becomes second nature and we forget all our past anxieties because we've learnt through practise and experience. We've become confident in our own ability.

talking to myself or asking someone to relieve it but this still dont help sometimes. I hate it.

However, sometimes we question ourselves and doubt ourselves so much that no matter what we do we can't shake those what if's. There comes a point when our anxiety just takes over so that we feel we can't trust anything. To give you an example of one particular what if, it's what I call the rollarcoaster effect.

Something surfaces that causes you a worry.
You seek reassurance.
This relieves it but a doubt surfaces in case they're wrong.
You feel you have to go back to make sure or seek a second opinon.
This relieves it but again another doubt surfaces...
And so on.

You see the rollarcoaster in the above?

A doubt causes an anxious thought causing anxious feelings- the peaks.
Reassurance relieves your anxiety - your troughs.

However, the rollarcoaster keeps going because your anxiety is constantly going back up because of attempting to seek immediate relief from your anxious feelings.

What shoud happen is that we allow our anxious feelings to subside gradually on their own. This means that it's ok to ask for an opinon from someone you know you can or should trust but then accept what they say as true...then ignore any further doubts that surface unless the situation itself changes in any way at which time you would then go back.

Put another way, we never allow ourselves to "de-sensitise" so that whenever we get a reminder our sensitivity will cause our anxiety to shoot back up.

The more we keep dwelling on what if's, the more we remain anxious. When we accept what we've been told and then learn to ignore, the anxiety will go down on its own and we'll forget all about it. When we feel anxious, doubts will feel more real but once we've accepted, even when the doubt re-surfaces, the anxious feelings won't return because we'll be able to remind ourselves of what we've been told which in a way is a form of self-confidence because we've then learnt to trust ourselves through experience such as being taught how to drive until we can drive ourselves by reminding ourselves what we've been taught until it becomes second nature. Hope that makes sense somewhere!:hugs:

[djvtech]

That's right, reassurance relies on the external. Acceptance is the key.