So very desperate for support

[Butheavenknows]

I can’t do this anymore. Every time I think I’ve got past one perceived health threat another one comes along within days. Finally made my peace that I don’t have inflammatory breast cancer after speaking to two specialists, and was feeling a lot better. Two days later I find the mole on my shoulder has some kind of red spot inside it and feels scabby. I’m absolutely covered in hundreds of moles and I’ve never paid too much attention to them beyond looking out for any very noticeable problems like significant growth or bleeding/itching. Now I find out I’m much more likely to get skin cancer as I have so many moles. I spent years using sunbeds too, thinking because my skin has a bit of natural tan I would be ok. I could kick myself hard for being so stupid and vain when I was younger. Now I’m 40 and convinced I won’t see my precious daughter grow up, that I’m riddled with cancer from a melanoma. The conviction is as real as if a specialist has just told me to my face. I want to die I’m so anxious and low. Painful irony. Swollen glands in my neck for weeks after COVID and a mystery bug just underline my conviction. I feel pains in my back and chest and just know I cancer has spread to my lungs.

how can I get help? I wish I could go to hospital and beg them for scans and tests. I’ve already spent hundreds on consultations these past two months. If I’d ever had a mole check or hadn’t used sunbeds I wouldn’t feel so terrified. But the truth is I’m high risk and I’m beside myself with fear.

so grateful for any help at all.

[ErinKC]

I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place! I have been there as well and it's horrific. Do you see a therapist? That was the only thing that helped me crawl out of this low place years ago. I still fall down sometimes, but I've never gotten anywhere near as bad as I was before therapy. As you know, your anxiety is moving from place to place right now looking for a spot to land and skin cancer is such an easy one - there are spots all over you! But, seriously, I've been down this rabbit hole a few times. I am also covered in moles and also used tanning beds as a teenager. I do get annual mole checks and in the last 10 years or so of having checks I've never had a single suspicious mole. I freaked out about one that looked funny so I had them remove it and it was nothing. It had simply been irritated by my bra strap. It is a good idea to get checks, but the fact that you haven't does not mean you have skin cancer. And, even if you did, the vast majority of skin cancers are easily treatable. My friend had melanoma last year, had it removed, and is completely fine.

But, again, skin cancer is not your issue - it's anxiety! Are there any people in your life you can turn to for help? Years ago my mom recommended the book Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Claire Weekes. It's a bit outdated in some of the subject matter, but her take on anxiety is extremely helpful! If you google her there are a lot of site that talk about her methods and also a few podcasts. She really gets to the bottom of anxiety and has a whole part on the physical manifestations of it.

After my daughter was born I thought I had: lung cancer, blood clots, kidney failure, brain tumor, and some kind of gynecological cancer. I went through almost a year of being convinced I had developed some kind of severe food allergy and avoiding almost anything but the most bland and "safe" foods. And there are so many things I can't even remember! I got my eyebrows waxed and thought I'd develop some kind of infection. I was convinced that a can of beans would give all of us botulism and then didn't eat canned goods for over a year. ALL of this was anxiety. None of it was real. None of it came true. I was just swimming in misery.

Look up Claire Weekes and see about therapy. Try to get out of your house and get some fresh air. Make a cup of tea and do something that relaxes/distracts you. Treat yourself to a fancy coffee or a new pair of slippers. You can get through this! Just keep reminding yourself that this is all the anxiety talking.

Another thing my mom told me (which might be from Claire Weekes) is when you start to say "what if?" flip it to "so what!" and then think about what action you'd take if the thing you're worried about is real. What if you have skin cancer? You'll go to the doctor, get it diagnosed, have it removed, and treat it further if necessary. The what ifs are so much worse than the reality. I had to have a big surgery earlier this year and all I did was fill myself with what ifs. But, in the end, none of them happened. I was completely fine - better than fine! So much better than I'd been before surgery. So, all the worrying did was rob me of joy for months and months.

[Lana]

Dear,

I could have written first few sentences in your post myself. Every time I am over one paralyzing fear, the relief is so short, and something else comes along. EVERY TIME. The fear that my son will be left orphan was also present, all the time. It was a true obsession. A lot of mental suffering, since I was 44. The fear is one of the hardest emotions to bear, especially when it is constant. So, I at least can give you assurance that some of us have been suffering like for years.

As to moles, since you never had them checked, you simply should make an appointment with dermatologist and be done with it - especially because you will continue to obsess over it, and that in itself is not healthy. Just do it, you will feel so much better, and I am sure nothing sinister will be found. AT least you are good for another year or more ( my dermatologist says after first two yearly benign exams, it can be done every 2 years).

What you said about scans and test, oh my God, it sounded so familiar. When I was between 45 and 55 , I used to go to an emergency room and lie that I have chest pains ( like heart attack), so that they would give me all blood work and other tests. And sometimes, especially now when I am older, I think: living like this is a big punishment, a big torture for a person, practically ruining one's life - so maybe God will have mercy and not give me a real physical illness on top of it.

Again, just go and check it, since you never went. You will be fine, and I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

[Butheavenknows]

Wow I can’t believe how kind and thoughtful you both are to reply to me so quickly. I can’t thank you enough.

I am currently on a waiting list for ongoing counselling, and am waiting right now to speak to someone at the crisis support unit that I pay for through my medical care (which is unfortunately crap and slow with tests and appointments but pretty good with the 24/7 mental health line). I had a brilliant therapist for years but my anxiety has become so debilitating I left my job last year and now can’t afford a private therapist �� usually I go running to combat my low moods but now I’ve got HA instead of regular anxiety, I hate putting a strain on my body and I worry about aggravating symptoms, so I’ve stopped that. I’ve got a Dr appointment on Friday where I’m going to discuss starting antidepressants. I’ve had depression and anxiety for 20 years and this is the worst bout I’ve had for over 15 of those years. I honestly can’t believe the level of sheer terror I’m living with every minute of the day (and night when I wake up shaking and gasping for breath).

ErinKC I’ve heard of the Claire Weekes book before and have even had it in my online shopping cart before now, but I thought I was getting better so didn’t buy it in the end. I’ll have a look at the website and podcast. I’ve been trying the ‘so what’ technique here and there but my mental health is through the floor at the moment and I don’t think I’ve got the strength to turn the thoughts around right now. On top of the HA I’ve had three pieces of life-changing bad news this past year and I’m struggling to cope in every part of my life really. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it sounds so similar to mine and like yours, mine is centred a lot around becoming a parent and worrying about leaving my child. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone in this. I’m so very pleased your medical procedure went well this year x

Lana I read your thread earlier but felt I was in such a bad way I wouldn’t have anything positive to add. I’m so touched that even in your lowest moments you took the time to respond to me, you’re so kind and if the words of a stranger mean anything to you, I know you must be a good and worthwhile person to try to help others when you’re struggling yourself. Even though it is nice in a way to know that I’m not struggling alone, I’m so very sorry to hear that you’ve had these problems for so long. Even though I’m not overtly religious, I like to believe in God and I also hope that the burden I’m carrying won’t be added to by serious illness. I have booked a full body mole check for Thursday with a private clinic and all I need is to keep going until then. In a way this is the scariest appointment I’ve booked yet, as i feel like it’s inevitable that they’ll tell me I’ve got at least one suspicious looking mole, and I know hearing that will be yet another devastating blow to my mental health.

Also Lana if it’s any help at all, my whole family had Covid last week and we’re all doing ok now. My husband is very overweight and struggles with his lungs after a bout of pneumonia years ago, and even he was fine after a couple of days. The media have made it sound like a death sentence for anyone older or not in perfect health, but the reality is, nearly everyone who contracts it survives and is ok. I have no doubt it will be the same for you x

Thanks again both of you x

[Lana]

Dear,

Thank you for your kind words to me, it is so, so nice to hear that. I always try here on the Forum to offer words of comfort, regardless of how I feel, because I know how much it means to me when good people here reply.

And thank you for Covid information, and I think you are totally right. This is day 3 for me, today aI have no chills and no body aches at all! But, my coughing is worse, so I will just stay home and take good care of myself, eat chicken soup and so on. Yes, the fear mongering for the past 2 years truly destroyed mental health of so many people, and has been much worse for us who are battling health anxiety and anxiety in general. Believing in God , in my world, is very important, but I do understand that not everybody feels that way.

You will be fine moles wise. Please let us know afterwards, I will be awaiting for your good news!

Lana

[Butheavenknows]

Glad to hear you’re on the mend Lana. The coughing is often the last symptom to disappear I’ve heard, and can take a couple of weeks, so please don’t worry if it hangs around for a while yet. Yes this past two years has been so tough on everyone, and I agree, doubly tough on those of us already battling mental health. I didn’t even have HA until the 2020 lockdown hit the UK! Just good old fashioned, regular anxiety and depression that I would give my right arm for at the moment, ha.

I know religion is very important to a lot of people in the US, and in a lot of ways I think it’s very beneficial to your society, as well as giving you something to believe in and have faith in on a personal level. The UK is mostly made up of people who are extremely religious (strict Christians, Muslims and Jews mostly), and then millions of quite militant atheists! It’s hard being someone who wants to have faith and trust in a higher power, but isn’t hardline about it. I believe in my own way, and find a lot of comfort in sitting quietly with my own thoughts in the beautiful Norman churches we have here in England!

Please do let me know how you’re doing, and I will report back tomorrow after my appointment x

PS I love the name Lana, it makes me think of that great Roy Orbison song :)

[Butheavenknows]

Hey! Quick update after my mole appointment today.

It went ok, I was quaking in my boots in the silent waiting room but the specialist nurse was great and really thorough. She spotted three tiny moles which she said looked a bit irregular and she’s passed photos on to the consultant who will get back to me in three days. She told me she’s not particularly worried about them, if they are pre-cancerous then they’ve been caught very early and will just be cut out. She said she’s not concerned that they are malignant at this stage and is more sending the details on to the consultant as I seemed so anxious and she wanted to be extra thorough! So my stupid anxiety has cost me an additional £90 in photos plus the cost of the appointment, parking and congestion charge in central London, all because I couldn’t wait a week to see someone more local to me. I can ill-afford to keep spending £100s on these private tests so I’m annoyed with myself for being so weak and desperate all the time. But then I also know that I am not well mentally and I need to be a bit kinder to myself. Got a Dr appointment tomorrow and hopefully will be starting my anti-anxiety meds, I’m praying they will help me combat these awful thoughts as I just cannot go on like this! Not only is it expensive and exhausting, it’s also bloody boring and a pain in the bum to keep travelling to these medical appointments and sitting around in hospital waiting rooms. I want my life back!!!

Lana if you’re reading this thread, thank you for your support and I hope you are feeling a bit better today x

[kyllikki]

I just want to say that this thread exemplifies the sort of community NMP has always been for me, even though I am new to posting (long time reader, though.) :flowers:

I will echo what Lana and ErinKC said, heavenknows -- your story sounds so familiar, and the misery you are dealing with, especially the existential fear on behalf of family, is raw for me, too.
I don't have any good answer, beyond that. But I want you to know you're not in the slightest alone with it.

Wishing you (and Lana and ErinKC) all the very best,
K

[ponybro123]

I wish I could give you answers but I'm not sure, been dealing with this for almost 20 years. I do a sort of brute force technique, I learn as many anxiety lowering skills as possible and bust them out when I'm starting to feel anxious and most of the time this keeps me from going off the really really deep end but it's not 100% successful, depends on what I'm dealing with. The trick is to practice these techniques until they're habitual. Many of these lower cortisol production and will facilitate a lowered stress response. I'll list a bunch:
Deep breathing
Meditation
Hot shower/Sauna
Tapping
Worry/HA journal (find a worksheet that makes you challenge your thoughts/write down your concerns)
Not avoiding the doctor
Exercise
Eating consistently
Proper hydration
Good sleep hygiene

[Butheavenknows]

Thanks a lot guys! I really do appreciate each and every reply, and will take those tips on board ponybro. I just wish we could all get better. I can’t believe some people walk around enjoying themselves and living their lives fine 99% of the time! And I can’t believe that was me once upon a time (well more like happy 59% of the time but I’ll take that!).

I’ve had a chat with my husband and we’ve agreed that I’ll use the internet less for a while and see if it helps. I used to be a prolific fiction reader and watch a lot of films, and I’m going to try to get back in to that, just some easy feel-good stuff to start with. Spending my days on chat forums (not this one! This one is great and so supportive) and googling symptoms, reading about illness and death in online news etc, it’s just not good for me.

Hope everyone has as peaceful and relaxing weekend as possible. Remember - you’re much more likely to be fine than unwell!!!