View Full Version : Progress update - or one step forward and two back
It's so long since I've been on, I don't know half of the members anymore!
Since I last posted I have done loads of things - football matches, rock concerts, dinner and stop over at friends etc etc etc.
My major achievement this year was getting over C*******s, with no ill effects! I felt great.
No more anxiety, no more unnecessary fear - I was ok.
THEN ........ (how did you know that there was going to be a but)
Suddenly, and for no apparent reason during January, my depression came back. Big time. Not unusual in itself I know, BUT I am still on medication!!!!!!! HELP. The prozac is making me fat, I want to come off it, but instead, I'm taking more.
I had three not very good weeks, which culminated in me arriving at work in the salon on Thursday, and my boss (and best friend) asking how I was. Ok, I replied. Well you don't sound very convincing she commented. To which I burst into tears and did the whole what is the point of life, nobody loves me, I'm going to the bottom of the garden to eat worms thing.
Her response was, you can't do this to me today, I feel terrible, we are really busy, I need you here, and forcing a mug of tea down my throat! (Ah the restorative powers of tea)
Anyway, an hour later, and after some serious re-touching up of my mascara, I "had" Rachel in the staff room.
You cow - I'm suicidal and can't see the point of life and all you can say is can't it wait till tomorrow!!!!
Luckily, she is my best friend, and when she said what she said, I knew not to take it literally!
I've just come back from a really great afternoon with two members of the forum, and they have helped me immensely.
I now know what is happening to me.
For years I have been unable to do anything, as my panic and anxiety was holding me back. I had no choices, cos my mental state prevented me from having any.
Now I have conquered my anxiety, and have been working hard at my depression, I have left myself open to many questions.
A combination of self help (or should that be self harm?:D books and other tools have led me to that fatal question for which there is no answer - what is the point!!!!
However, having talked to the girls today, I have realised that my old mental health problems were repressing me as a person.
Now I am getting better, I am able to do more, I have discovered that I have no idea who I am any more, or what I want, or even how to get it if I knew what it was!!!!!!
Tomorrow I am off to see my therapist to find out what other treatments are available.
I am just updating you all out there to let you know that it is OK if your recovery is NOT a smooth passage, and not to give up, even though it sometimes seems that as one door opens another closes.
When I think back to how I was this time last year, I would still most definitely be me now with the problems that I have at present, than re visit the me of last year!
I'm stronger, braver and have made some excellent friends along the way, who love me warts and all.
Take comfort in the fact that if I can do it, anybody can, and at least my problems are positive - they are only occurring cos I'm getting better! Hurrah
Love
Charlie
(p.s. If anybody knows the point of life, I would be very grateful to receive their answers ASAP)
Charlie
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Mico - The PS is just up your street. lol. I'll leave that one to you
Glad you had a good time today- It was really good to see you both almost a year on- what enormous progress from both of you. Your summary of where you are is spot on and I think it will subside fairly quickly once you figure out the focus for a few areas in your ever increasing circles of life.
Thanks for coming over and I made swimming just in time.
Love
Meg
bluebottle
14-02-05, 08:30
Charlie,
You asked " If anybody knows the point of life, I would be very grateful to receive their answers ASAP."
I would say the point of life is to achieve an inner peace and to love. The inner peace is probably a long term project, but loving someone may be easier. Love your friends, a special someone, anyone, but love I believe is the "point" of our spiritual existence. On a more basic note, the point of life could be reproduction of the species. I'll leave you to think about that one. :D
I've managed the love bit, now working on inner peace.
Regards,
Blue
--
Take little steps
Thanks Meg!
We had a great time and I look forward to seeing you soon on the Runaway Train.
Glad you made swimming ok - I'm sorry, I forget how much I can "rattle" for Britain.
Thanks Blue, but at this particular point in my recovery, I'm not sure that your advice is that appropriate to me!!!! a) I feel very numb, and am not feeling much of anything at the moment, apart from tired and b) I don't seem to be able to find anybody to love me as more than a friend - and I'm not sure I can handle it if they did - and c) KIDS????? I shall forgive you that this once, as you had just joined when I stopped posting regularly, but I am far too selfish and busy trying to find me to even think about producing an ankle biter - and I've got weight issues as it is, without compounding the problem!!!!
Thanks anyway, your advice is very good - I'm just not sure it's appropriate to me at this particular point in my life!!!! However, if you know of any nice single blokes willing to take on a semi bi polar person who has no idea who they are, can now go out, but still has to drive, will eat out, but is phobic about drinking coffee, and is more than coping, but is still a major control freak, then maybe you could drop me a line!
Love
Charlie
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Mico - The PS is just up your street. lol. I'll leave that one to you
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 13 February 2005 : 22:33:12</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
?
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">(p.s. If anybody knows the point of life, I would be very grateful to receive their answers ASAP)</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
This?
Is this the impression I give on here? I'm quite amused, considering I don't think I have ever really talked about this stuff on here, God knows what people would think of me if I did :D!
I could talk about this for hours (I could write a book on the subject if I had the time - and skills of articulation ;) - to do so). I have extensive databases in my brain, containing clues to the answer, built up over hundreds of thousands of hours of deliberation. But I'm not going to do so.
Any time you think you are getting closer to the answer, it also becomes further away. Every time you answer a question, another question appears. It's an un-answerable question.
Life will roll much more smoothly when you don't ask questions like this. i.e. You start living your life, rather than thinking about it. If you spend all your life thinking about life, then you will miss out on life itself. Now, if someone can tell me how to put this into practice I would be grateful to receive their answers ASAP :D.
It's great to see see you're still positive about all this though Charlie. We all have bad phases, but these act as reminders to keep pushing, kind of like when the boss at work comes in and shouts at you at random times of the day to make sure you know not to stop working. The good thing is, if you listen, the work nearly always gets done at the end of the day.
Good luck
mico
Mico ,
I was hoping you'd take the gauntlet. I knew you'd have lots of thoughts and clues and I always really enjoy and value your posts where you've had something on your mind and share it.
As for even mentioning articulation as a poor excuse- that's just one big false self esteem issue. You are a natural columnist.
Meg
www.overcominganxiety.co.uk
You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance
bluebottle
14-02-05, 14:18
Hi Charlie,
I wasn't giving you advice, just answering your question. I wouldn't presume to advise anyone on how they should live their life.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> if you know of any nice single blokes willing to take on a semi bi polar person who has no idea who they are, can now go out, but still has to drive, will eat out, but is phobic about drinking coffee, and is more than coping, but is still a major control freak, then maybe you could drop me a line!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I'll be sure to do that. :)
Regards,
Blue
--
Take little steps and remember it is OK if your recovery is not a smooth passage.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Mico ,
I was hoping you'd take the gauntlet. I knew you'd have lots of thoughts and clues and I always really enjoy and value your posts where you've had something on your mind and share it.
As for even mentioning articulation as a poor excuse- that's just one big false self esteem issue. You are a natural columnist.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 14 February 2005 : 14:00:53</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks Meg. I do have self esteem issues, always have done, and probably always will to some extent. But it still remains that I could articulate things a lot better, which incidently adds to self esteem issues, it runs round in vicious circles. When I post on here, I often have to think about what I'm writing and take my time. Otherwise I tend to neglect vitally important stuff, or no one knows what I'm talking about. Or I just completely forget my original point and start writing about something else :D. Basically I find it difficult to express anything in words as that isn't the way I think - my internal words are more like feelings, and much of the time I don't know the words to describe these 'feelings'. If you met me and had a conversation with me you would see what I mean - my posts on here are much more articulated than my verbal attempts.
Anyway, this isn't even my thread - sorry Charlie [B)] - maybe I'll create one of my own sometime in the future, which I think I may just do.
sorry to hear you havent had a good toime of it recently but remember you have been down this road before and you came through it im sure you will again
fan x
Hi Charlie,
Good to hear from you again.
I think we get totally wrapped up in the anxiety/depression. These rule our every waking moment. The physical symptoms, the what ifs the continually going over the same thought processes.
Is it any wonder that we lose sight of who or what we are?
I feel exactly the same way. I don't even know what my true personality is. I come over as a nice kind person, but am I really or have I learned to be this way due to the anxious thoughts of people not liking me??
You know that you are now so much better and now want to discover the person you are and move forward.
Good luck with your continuing recovery, Charlie. And, don't forget, however bad it gets, a large mug of caffeine laden tea always makes things seem much better!! [^]:D
Love Kate xx
Blue - I'm sorry if you thought I was a bit brusque with my reply!!!! I am grateful to anybody who bothers to even read my posts, let alone goes to the trouble to answer them.
You are quite correct in what you have written, I'm just a bit sensitive to the whole issue of loving and being loved, as I feel so numb at the minute!
Mico, you are quite right. TGTBT said the other day that he had big issues with "whats the point". Then he realised that there is no point in thinking whats the point, cos there isn't really an answer to whats the point, so now he makes a conscious effort not to think about thinking about what the point about thinking is.
He is quite right, and I have stopped thinking about the point of thinking about the point of whats the point, but I was just trying to illustrate where I am coming from today (bit like an MOT though - this is just a snap shot of now, and may not be appropriate tomorrow!)
Mico - please feel free to take over my thread, your comments on self esteem are particularly relevant - infact I have just ordered Overcoming Self Esteem from Amazon, and like you find it much easier to describe myself through writing. (You wouldn't believe how complicated it gets trying to explain the point of thinking about the point of thinking about the point of thinking - at least written down you can re-read until you understand (or give up completely and go and find something more important in your life))
I want to get over this so I can live my life, and therefore will end up discovering the meaning of life, through living it. I just need a bit of a kick up the butt to get me there in the first place.
Love
Charlie
PS Mico - and you thought you could go on in an incoherent manner! Without wishing to create any more self esteem issues, I think that this post has just proved that I can ramble incoherently in a much more superior manner than you!!!!)
Charlie
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Hi Charlie - back to you ...
You've been on my mind today up and down the M1...Hope Amanda and dentist and sweetcorn have all worked out well lol.
Just elaborating on a few points we chatted about..
When we first have anxiety and panic and it is acute and we are in the terrified phase, it's easy to clamp down and life quickly becomes restrictive.
We then spend x years floundering trying to figure out what to do to help ourselves and within that time lose sight of ambitions and dreams we may have had and lose friends and colleagues. Self esteem and all confidence take a huge nosedive.
I think this particularly true of younger people who hadn't yet really formed a adult identity with a definate career/life structure and we just make do with something that pays the bills and a few local manageable/entertainment /leisure activities.. We spend hours feeling terrible and willing away the time and existing from month to month. We learn excuses and it gets easier to refuse outings.
Then - lightbulb moments happen and you figure out how to help yourself, you get the bit between your teeth and progress happens quite quickly but soon gets marred by a blip or two which delays progress and shatters self esteem again.
As time goes by we then progress and progress and feel suitably chuffed with ourselves and then finally recognise that despite all the odds we can now more or less do as we please or at least know we can should we want to really want to .
The the realization dawns first of all of the amazing freedom quickly followed by all the regrets of months and years wasted. I think a great sense of despondancy can creep in here followed by a sense of needing to do something worthwhile and valuable for ourselves but having no idea what thsi might be or how to go aboiut it.
Friends might all now have moved in their life journeys or work and you feel left behind and without the tools of life that others seem to have- althoughthe reality is you have gained an enormous amount but it may not look great on a CV.
As Charlie says - you 'can do' now but don't know what to reach for. There are no goals and ambitions and dreams and these need to be created from scratch rather than being evolved and grown with over years as most people do. This can then cause further despondancy and depression in those with residual self esteem issues who are not as tooled up to get up and instantly go for it in persuing a new life.
If this cycle only starts when you're a bit later on in life I think its easier to pick up the threads of your former life and then mould it into whatever you decide to do next- many people make radical changes - but your memories of success and life ambitions are there to spur you on.
What was Amandas take on it Charlie ?
Love
Meg
I'll PM you after I've finished preparing my bland tea!!!!!!
LOL
Charlie
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Moving onwards .... a week after seeing Amanda, and I feel better already!
The double prozac is kicking in (I'm one of those "lucky" ones that medication works for). I have stopped bursting into fits of tears at every end and turn and for no reason.
I had a very productive meeting with Amanda, who has got me back in the treatment programme (with a little bit of fiddling, but hey ho).
She said that she half expected me back, as I had briefly mentioned things during our anxiety counselling, that she thought might rear their ugly heads.
In a no blame way, she made me realise that my relationship with my parents is a little to blame - they have never done anything wrong, but are (or were in dad's case), very strong independant people. Where as I'm an anxious, overly sensitive person, who worries too much what others think, and needs constant reassurance and cuddles.
My self esteem is at an all time low - and anxiety, depression and low self esteem all seem to integrate on the big pye chart of life, so we are going to address this first and see what happens. I have stopped reading Overcoming Depression, and have switched to Overcoming Low Self-Esteem.
Amanda wants to "attack" me with a series of appointments, so I am waiting till April before we start work. Then she has booked me in for six appointments on a fortnightly basis. (Holidays and easter etc have stopped us starting sooner).
However, having been like this for so long, I'm sure another month won't make any difference. And exactly like the anxiety, I know that if I battle it, I can be victorious. Amanda is quite convinced that once I have sorted my self esteem out, my depression will also reccede.
Basically, my "new" problem has been caused by getting better - before my life was so small, controlled by anxiety that I didn't have options. I could only do a, b or c. Now my anxiety is fading away, I am capable of doing a - z. I just don't know which one I want to do! I've forgotten who I am, what I am about, and how to enjoy life. Megs precis was totally spot on.
However, as Amanda put it, we've only got a few pieces to do then the jigsaw is complete!
Charlie
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
nomorepanic
21-02-05, 21:09
Charlie
I am pleased that you are getting some help again and it seems to be working!
I know that you are a strong person and you will fight this all the way and conquer it!
Good luck mate and hope to see you again soon.
x
Nicola
I'm sure your depression will fade out as you start to shine through in full technicolour
Love
Meg
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