So terrified and scared of Getting Old.

[loonarider77]

Hi all,

Lately, well, the past 3 years I've been so scared of aging and being so close to death (I guess the death part also depends on health too).

I am 44 years old. Don't look it, try to act it (in certain contexts) but just feels odd, like I shouldn't be this age. I was actually mistaken for a 25 year old when asked for my ID earlier today by the delivery guy, and they're usually shocked and perplexed when I tell them I'm nearly double that.

What really gets me and hurts me to my core is the fact that I spent 30 years hating myself, not having many friends and generally being socially anxious and it hurts. So much time wasted, when I could've forged proper friendships and where I could look back with pride at fun memories, but I don't have any.

I know I didn't have the best upbringing, in fact it was twisted and dysfunctional, and I try not to always use that as an excuse and bring it into existence, but I feel so much anger and resentment towards my mother for putting me down and verbally and physically abusing me throughout my childhood and teenage years, which in turn shattered my self-esteem

As a result I have not lived and now I'm getting older and weaker ( I feel it) , not to mention I'm at the peri menopause stage of my life which has been hard going. By the time I get on top of all my issues I'm going to be way too old to have fun.

It's like what's the point.

Just need to stay positive somehow, but the future seems way too bleak. Can anyone relate?

[BlueIris]

I can't remember the study/studies, but I think that our age (I'm 45) is an unhappy time for a lot of people because of life commitments/realising they'll not achieve everything they dreamed of. It's very understandable, I think.

The only time that truly exists is now, though, and my experience is that if you make your now better, you won't slip into the past or the future so often.

The important thing is to try and make every moment count.

[Lencoboy]

Hi all,

Lately, well, the past 3 years I've been so scared of aging and being so close to death (I guess the death part also depends on health too).

I am 44 years old. Don't look it, try to act it (in certain contexts) but just feels odd, like I shouldn't be this age. I was actually mistaken for a 25 year old when asked for my ID earlier today by the delivery guy, and they're usually shocked and perplexed when I tell them I'm nearly double that.

What really gets me and hurts me to my core is the fact that I spent 30 years hating myself, not having many friends and generally being socially anxious and it hurts. So much time wasted, when I could've forged proper friendships and where I could look back with pride at fun memories, but I don't have any.

I know I didn't have the best upbringing, in fact it was twisted and dysfunctional, and I try not to always use that as an excuse and bring it into existence, but I feel so much anger and resentment towards my mother for putting me down and verbally and physically abusing me throughout my childhood and teenage years, which in turn shattered my self-esteem

As a result I have not lived and now I'm getting older and weaker ( I feel it) , not to mention I'm at the peri menopause stage of my life which has been hard going. By the time I get on top of all my issues I'm going to be way too old to have fun.

It's like what's the point.

Just need to stay positive somehow, but the future seems way too bleak. Can anyone relate?

I can definitely relate to what you're going through right now, Loonarider, plus I'm the same age as you (nearly 45).

While not so much fearful of getting old (which is an inevitable fact of life for everyone, like it or not), I often feel rather demoralised with a lot of the pessimistic forecasts for the future from others, even though many of them are hypothetical and might not materialise, but unfortunately some can become self-fulfilling prophecies.

I think by the time many of us reach the age we are now (mid 40s) we often look back on the previous 30 years and wonder what went wrong and why has there been so many wasted opportunities during the time period that has since elapsed, even though there's been good times in between as well.

Although my parents never full-on physically abused me, many aspects of my childhood and teenage years were rather dysfunctional (a bit like yours), and most of the schools I attended were dysfunctional, where I was physically abused by certain staff members at the one which was a residential school, though I was rarely ever bullied by other kids there.

On the flip side, one of the advantages of being our age is that we're more experienced generally (no offence intended to the younger generations), and I often look back at 20-30 years ago and think 'I wish I knew then what I know now', but on the other hand, perhaps it was just as well I didn't as it might have robbed me of the innocence and carefree-ness of younger ages and the notion of 'ignorance/innocence is bliss'!

[fishman65]

It's easy to relate loonarider, I remember turning 40 and it was the first time I thought 'I'm no longer young'. It came as a shock. However I'm now nearly 57 and focused on what's coming up.

Have you considered exercise? Getting fit isn't a cure-all but it does fend off some of those negative thought patterns that manifest as we get older. I was developing health anxiety after turning 50, but 'touch wood' that seems to have taken a back seat for now. I do a workout on YouTube. All the best to you.

[NoraB]

Hi all,

Lately, well, the past 3 years I've been so scared of aging and being so close to death (I guess the death part also depends on health too).

Hi Loona, unless I'm missing something, you're 44, not 94. It's entirely possible that you're not even half way through your life yet. Having said that, I'm 52 and have a biological age of 205.:roflmao:


What really gets me and hurts me to my core is the fact that I spent 30 years hating myself, not having many friends and generally being socially anxious and it hurts. So much time wasted, when I could've forged proper friendships and where I could look back with pride at fun memories, but I don't have any.

I can relate. I spent the best part of 47 years hating myself until I got a diagnosis that changed all of that. And then I realised that it was other people's intolerance, ignorance, and self-esteem issues which had caused me to think these hateful thoughts about myself. But nobody can do this without our permission, you know? I allowed the opinions of relative strangers to define how I felt about myself, and for 47 years. For the last five years, I no longer define who I am based on other people's psychological issues and ignorance..

Could have, would have, should have. That's your past. It's gone. The present is all yours.


I know I didn't have the best upbringing, in fact it was twisted and dysfunctional, and I try not to always use that as an excuse and bring it into existence, but I feel so much anger and resentment towards my mother for putting me down and verbally and physically abusing me throughout my childhood and teenage years, which in turn shattered my self-esteem

I am so sorry that your mother abused you like this..

I used to blame people for shattering my self-esteem, and from the age of 5. There's quite a list and I've held them all responsible but not one of them has taken responsibility, and abusers generally don't. Looking to your story (as in the little you've told us) my sympathy is with you but there are two sides of the story and I can't help but wonder what your mother's story is and what it is that caused this abusive behaviour towards you. Sometimes, seeing the whole picture helps us to understand someone's behaviour and while abusive behaviour can never be excused, it can be understood, and it's often the case that once we understand somebody's actions that we are able to change the narrative and even feel empathy towards them instead of hatred and resentment - both of which only truly harm ourselves.


As a result I have not lived

You mean to say that you've not lived life as you want to live it, right? I say this as gently as I can.. there is only yourself to blame for this. I've had to take responsibility for all those years I poisoned myself hating people (and myself) when I had another choice. There is a lot to be said for stepping up and taking responsibility for oneself. It's liberating..


and now I'm getting older and weaker ( I feel it) , not to mention I'm at the peri menopause stage of my life which has been hard going.

Weaker? Or just different?

The menopause brings a lot of changes (it's not called 'The change' for nothing) but there are some positive changes too. And we have the choice to look after ourselves as best we can by being more mindful of diet and exercise as well as addressing whatever is in our past that is preventing us from liking/loving ourselves. If we head into the menopause not having addressed the problems in our past, then the hormonal changes will amplify it all because the shit gets stirred up..


By the time I get on top of all my issues I'm going to be way too old to have fun.

That's your dialogue, not reality. The only person who is stopping you from having fun in the future and now, is you.



Just need to stay positive somehow, but the future seems way too bleak.

You don't know what's in the future, yet you are convincing yourself it will be 'bleak'. If you do nothing to change your negative mentality then it very well may be bleak, but whose fault will it be, yours or your mums? If you change your mentality and take responsibility for yourself, then who knows? My life is better for having taken the responsibility back for my own happiness, and this is despite physical and MH challenges..

If you physically feel 'weak' then make the necessary changes so that you feel stronger. Exercise, eat well, get out in nature. Consider HRT. Test for vitamin deficiencies. Get some therapy for the psychological stuff. Go sit in front of a stranger and spill your guts about your past. They won't judge you, or your mother. They'll listen and hand you a tissue when you're done. You will always have those awful memories but you can work on your responses to them. You can learn to 'live' with these memories. You can have this kind of crap in your attic (and worse) and still enjoy life, I promise you.

[lior]

@NoraB says some wise things there.

I'm 32 and have ME/CFS. The past 4-5 years has been extremely limited for me by disability. I'm mostly housebound, it's a struggle to shower, I need help to do emails, I can't work, I can't socialise more than once a week. These ought to be days of dating and finding a future co-parent but instead I'm stuck on my bed or sofa, learning how to exist in a body that barely functions.

I believe there will be a cure for ME/CFS in my lifetime. I'm hoping that by your age, I'll be well again, and I'll have a second chance at living. Maybe I won't have wild glittery nights out, but I will still have dates gosh darn it! And I'll foster kids or adopt a teenager if I don't have my own kids. And I'll make art, and mentor young people, and maybe I'll be able to go on holidays. Maybe I'll be able to go for long walks. Maybe I'll have the cognition to finally write a book.

I do not and cannot believe that life is over at 45. That's probably when my life will only just begin again after these years underground.

I need people like you to prove to me that it's not over. Don't give up. You must still have things you want to do that are within your capabilities. You are FAR more capable than I am in terms of energy. Don't believe the discouraging voice in your head.

I also grew up with abusive parents and yes, it's been a big feature of my life too, recovering from what happened to me as a child. So I do understand how you feel that time has been wasted. But it's not too late. Life can always restart today.

You might like Psychologies magazine. It can be quite inspiring.

[Fishmanpa]

I'm 63. I'm 'old'. Mentally, I've matured. I don't stress about things as I did when I was younger. Physically, my body groans and creaks more than it used to but so what? :shrug: I still need to work and pay bills. I still have things I need to do etc. Being that I really shouldn't be here based on the physical issues I've been through, I don't concern myself with my mortality. It is what it is and I'll take pleasure and joy out of each day I have left on this earth ;)

FMP

[loonarider77]

Thank you so much for all the replies! Lots of great advice. I would like to get back we soon as I have a chance.

Thank you again 😊 xxxx

[NoraB]

I'm 63. I'm 'old'.

No mate. You're 63 and magnificent. :shades:

[Fishmanpa]

No mate. You're 63 and magnificent. :shades:

Just saw this! Awwww... thanks :blush:

FMP