View Full Version : Self referral ?
Hi all , I haven’t posted in a while but still read the threads , I haven’t been doing too well so thought better to spare you , I’m now at a point where I need some professional help as I realise I’m only getting worse trying to get better on my own , I hit what I hope is rock bottom yesterday and rang the Samaritans out of desperation, I’ve also made the first appointment with my Doctor in over two years to get checked out and maybe find some way out of this nightmare.
my question is has anyone self referred to mental health since covid hit ? How long is the waiting time to get to talk to someone and do they do face to face now ?
I can’t go on like this anymore and accept I need help but what is there ?
Hope you are all doing okay .
Thanks .
Last year I referred myself to the local crisis team and the response was really good. I had a couple of weeks intensive support and then was referred on to the local Mind and for CBT. The CBT was a slightly longer wait, but perhaps because of my circumstances wasn't too long - the CBT was over the phone due to Covid.
I'm not sure if I was lucky or if things in my area were particularly good at that point.
But I did also seek a private counsellor as well, in fact I sought help in anyway I could (probably out of desperation).
I can't answer specifics for where you are, but I think it's a good sign that you are asking for help.
You can self-refer to the IAPT service which in my area offers CBT (6 session package) or Counselling for Depression (6 sessions). This is Level 2 for mild to moderate issues.
If you go to your GP he/she could refer you to The Community Health MH service but they can reject you if you don't meet their criteria of severity.
Your local Mind may be a better option although no doubt waiting lists will be long...but they may not be in you area.
I would book a GP appointment, Buster. Or else look into a private therapist who you can choose. There's a waiting list for private therapists too.
Do you have any safe haven hubs in your area? These are drop in centres for people in MH crisis and an alternative to A&E.
I'm glad you've decided to speak out. I really would recommend you seeing the GP and I'm sorry you feel so bad. Be assertive and don't hold anything back. I really hope you get some decent help as soon as you can. If you found the Samaritans were helpful then use them whenever you need to:hugs:
Sad that you’ve hit rock bottom Buster but from there the only way is up.
I hope you get the help you want as soon as possible. As Pulisa said, use the Samaritans whenever you feel the need to, it’s what they are there for. Ditto here, you can always offload, don’t feel you are bothering people because you aren’t.
I know you’re not a bloke for hugs…..but you’re going to get one anyway:hugs:
Sorry to hear you're still struggling Buster. Please ask for help. It's there.
And we're here for you too..
Sent you a pm Buster :hugs:
Sorry to hear what you're going through right now Buster.
Remember hard times don't always last.
Really sorry to hear this Buster, but also really pleased you seemed help. That’s a huge step, and quite a hard one.
My self referral took a VERY long time, but I think they lost me, forgot about me and then found me. Definitely worth speaking to your dr about and talking about wait times.
I think that waiting times and MH services in the south tend to be very patchy and you're probably better off living further north. I'm really envious when I read of other people's experiences but that's how it should be.
Hi all , thank you for the kind replies, I’ve been to the Docs today with my surgery you never see the same doc twice but he seemed okay and didn’t rush me out the door with a prescription for antidepressants I’d never take , I told him about the chest pain and shortness of breath ive been getting and he checked me over , I’m getting skipped heart beats so he sent me for an ecg and booked blood tests , if I’m physically okay it would be one less worry and I could try and work on the rest , I’ve self referred as the doc said it doesn’t really make a difference if he does it or me , the waiting time is around 12 weeks which given that when you feel crap a minute seems like an age , The Samaritans rang me back last night and they were really nice and it did help to talk .
Im staying on my own now as things got too bad at home , I’m in a house not my van and it’s not winter so apart from not liking my own company it’s not too bad , I don’t know if it will be permanent but I still have hopes of a happy ever after .I’d love a break from working as for the last year all I’ve done is work then go to the coast at weekends to do more work on the two flats I took on , they’re now done but the work I do I can’t really take a break or someone else will step in , I’ve tried taking on someone to work part time but most people who are available are not working for a reason they don’t turn up .
Anyway I’ve taken a Amitriptalene for my back pain and to help me sleep and it’s kicking in so I’ll sign off and let you know how things go later on .
Thanks again .
I'm glad that you've seen the GP and that you are getting checked out physically. It's best to rule any physical problems out before taking on the MH minefield.
Maybe separation could work better for you both and give you some space to have a think about what you both want? You did seem very unhappy with how things were and how you were treated.
Let us know how you are doing, won't you? I think you have made a very positive move in getting things moving re tests and MH support. Use the Samaritans if you find they help and are kind. Even if they can't solve the things you want solving..There are still decent compassionate people out there who will always listen to you and alleviate some of the mental burden. Take care, Buster:hugs:
Hi all , there seems to be a level below rock bottom, Ive now had ecg which was okay and blood tests which will be back in ten days , i also have a telephone assessment with metal health in July .
I still feel low and a bit hopeless most days , I come and go from the family house to my other place depending how things are , I’m trying to give my partner more space and try to be less reliant on her and stop worrying myself sick about her health and state of mind which I have no control over , she stayed at the coast alone last week which I think is a good thing for both of us .
Since last week I’ve had an obsessive customer who messages me at least 15 times a day and when I said buy elsewhere and stop contacting me he just purchased something expensive and paid so I’d have to deal with him ,it stressed me out so much I felt like chucking my phone in the bin .
Since my birthday I’ve been getting gradually more poorly each day , run down and snotty nose , ear ache and my bloody wisdom tooth has swelled up , today it’s spread to my chest with a bad cough so I haven’t left the house at all , then this morning a scream from the garden from my partner that the dog had collapsed, she was just laying on her side in the rain not moving , I carried her in thinking she was dying , she’s nearly 16 so we agreed it was best to just keep her here instead of the vets which would upset her , through the day she had picked up but I know we won’t have her much longer .
Im struggling to breath this evening asthma and coughs ain’t great together, I’ve taken a covid test to be sure and that’s clear .
Im so determined to come on here one day and be a success story but right now it’s hard to see , this time next year eh ?
Sorry you’re going through it still Buster. Do you think all your pains might be connected to your wisdom tooth. Not going to mention the D word but it may be advisable.
I hear you regarding your Staff, it’s the worst when you know it’s coming. Closer and closer…I call it living in hells waiting room. I’ve been through it so many times and it never gets easier. I almost feel a sense of relief when it’s over, the distress it causes me is immense.
One day, somewhere over that bloody rainbow, it will be better for you, for all of us. We’ve just got to hang in there. The devil in me loves giving you hugs cos I know you hate them.:bighug::hugs:
Yeah it did occur to me the tooth and ear may be the same problem but still painful and looking at the angle of my wisdom tooth you’d need a jackhammer to get that out , hopefully it will calm back down .
The old girl was back on her feet and eating again today so who knows why she collapsed yesterday but it was very upsetting, I kid myself I’ll be ready when she goes but I know I won’t it will break my heart again even though she’s been a pain in the rrr’s since we got her .
I’ve not stopped coughing all day today and what’s coming up ain’t going to win and beauty contests , I can’t remember the last time I stayed in for two whole days but Ive got no energy .
Dont get me wrong I do love a good hug but I’m picky who I get them off , my daughters have grown up so close death would be necessary, my grandson is seven so he has to be asked or bribed, my granddaughter and I have a close bond so she’s quite happy to hug me at 11 but will it last , man hugs are definitely out of the question , my dad would have rather shot me than hug me but it was an improvement on the beatings his dad gave him .
We live in hope .
My son once said that he'd rather stab himself than give me a hug! He's certainly not touchy feely but that's fine by me.He may prod my corpse in death in a show of affection:)
Giving you a hug too Buster :bighug1:
I can definitely say a bad tooth can make you feel really rotten. Can cause headaches, earache, low energy and flu like symptoms. Have you tried a warm salt water wash Buster. The old remedies work the best. Get some vicks for the chesty cough. You are always rushing around for others Buster, take time out for yourself for a change.
My son once said that he'd rather stab himself than give me a hug! He's certainly not touchy feely but that's fine by me.He may prod my corpse in death in a show of affection:)
Whereas my autistic son is a proper space invader. He hugs me so hard it physically hurts. :scared15:
I did laugh at the 'prods corpse in death in a show of affection' line. I think that's rather sweet myself...
Did some grandma time at the weekend. All three grandkids were there. The youngest had got one on her, middle one is teething - toddler boy was tired...
Youngest suddenly started wailing when I had her. She was passed back to her Mummy with Ninja speed. :roflmao:
Hi , sorry I’ve not been on again , thank you for the hugs , life has been a struggle again , my daughters didn’t get my partner anything for her birthday which upset her so I said they shouldn’t get me anything either so they didn’t and I didn’t get Father’s Day cards either or see them , they know how to kick you when you’re down , I’ve been staying at home sometimes or at our other place were I mainly work now or at the coast which sounds like a great life but it’s anything but , my partner has spent four or the last six weeks at the coast and I’ve been coming home to work then driving back at weekends , I thought it would do her good but she said she still crys everyday and still feels suicidal, when I bring her home she gets worse straight away and the slightest thing will start an argument, today she was very low so I tried to give her some space but this evening after I’d walked the dogs she said she’d took a handful of pills this morning then been sick , she’s seeing her psychiatrist Thursday and he’s said they will do a liver test while she’s at the surgery.
I feel so hopeless and helpless , I’m sure before long I will lose her and I don’t know how to help , she needs rest and a break from all of us , I have upset her and so have my daughters and our old dog won’t leave her alone so she’s up every night letting her out , I always offer to take the dog with me to give her a break but she insists she’s her responsibility.
I genuinely don’t know what to do , she says she just wants looking after but I don’t know where to start .
Im supposed to be talking to mental health people myself starting next month but I’m already thinking about cancelling, I don’t see what they can do to help with my situation.
Im sleeping with the dogs tonight so she can try and get some sleep which will mean up and down all night letting the old girl out .
I know I’m sounding like a stuck record and we’ve been over this before I just feel so low , it’s not normal to be in tears every day when on the face of it our life should be good .
Thank you for the previous replies.
Hi , sorry I’ve not been on again , thank you for the hugs , life has been a struggle again , my daughters didn’t get my partner anything for her birthday which upset her so I said they shouldn’t get me anything either so they didn’t and I didn’t get Father’s Day cards either or see them , they know how to kick you when you’re down ,
Your partner is really struggling (as are you) and I know how things like this can really hurt when we're struggling. Is this a young person thing with cards and shit? Only my lads are crap too. I am literally having an argument with my middle son over this now as his brother, dad and step-dad are all still waiting on birthday cards etc. (but you can bet his GF gets hers on time lol)
I feel so hopeless and helpless , I’m sure before long I will lose her and I don’t know how to help , she needs rest and a break from all of us.
Are you saying she attempted suicide? If so, she needs the appropriate MH care. This is beyond what you can handle..
I'm so sorry this is happening to you both. X
I agree, what she’s going through is beyond your pay grade Buster.
if it was a credible suicide attempt she should ring her doctor explain what she tried and they should fast track her to the care she needs. There’s no waiting lists as far as I am aware when things get to that point. Maybe inpatient care is what she desperately needs.
The cards, well it’s a thing….my youngest son still has a Mother’s Day card in his drawer, unsigned from last year. We laugh about it, both of us know a bit of paper doesn’t mean anything compared to feelings.
please don’t cancel your own MH appointment…you need looking after too.:hugs:
The cards, well it’s a thing….my youngest son still has a Mother’s Day card in his drawer, unsigned from last year. We laugh about it, both of us know a bit of paper doesn’t mean anything compared to feelings.
My eldest gave me card one Mother's Day. I say 'day' but he'd forgotten and by the time he came home from his mate's house, all the cards had gone. So he gave me a birthday card with the 'Birth' crossed out and word, Mother's' written over the top. ..
21 hours in labour and 3 stitches with that bugger and he pulls a stunt like that? :lac:
I still have the card (and I love it) :D
My eldest gave me card one Mother's Day. I say 'day' but he'd forgotten and by the time he came home from his mate's house, all the cards had gone. So he gave me a birthday card with the 'Birth' crossed out and word, Mother's' written over the top. ..
21 hours in labour and 3 stitches with that bugger and he pulls a stunt like that? :lac:
I still have the card (and I love it) :D
Nora, he sounds JUST like my youngest and when he does get a card it’s always one of those insulting ones. He does not even call me Mom or anything like that…he calls me by my Christian name. A bit like Bart Simpson and Homer. Done it since he was about 10:D He’s bonkers but I do love him.
Don't cancel your own appointment, Buster.. You're in a difficult situation with your partner's behaviours and your own mental health is suffering which is often the case. Threatening suicide is a dangerous tool when you are so vulnerable yourself to what she says. You don't have any help yourself and it's so easy to get ground down by someone else's unhappiness.
Hi all , my daughters are 26 and 31 ( I think ) I tell them how much it means to her in advance , because of her abusive mother she devoted all her time to making them happy as kids and still does but it hit her hard that they don’t return it , my younger one bought her flowers but didn’t bring them and a card turned up a week later so basically nothing , three days a year they have to make an effort to make her happy and it’s too much trouble yet the other day my younger one rang in a state over her upcoming chemo and her relationship and my partner put her hurt aside and sat calming her down for an hour , no thank you mum after .
She’s taking overdoses more often now and I know from when my daughter did it how quickly things can go bad with liver failure, this is what hurts so much that she knows what it’s like to see a loved one in hospital with organ failure .
Shes permanently under the metal health team and we have talked about her going into hospital for a stay , the psychiatrist is coming this morning to discuss her options and a nurse is also coming to take bloods to check if she’s done any damage , im the only one who gets to see this side of her as she puts on the happy act for everyone else then bursts into tears when they go .
I still love her dearly but some days it’s soul destroying to see her this way and it’s seems so unfair because we’re in a position that we should be enjoying ourselves, I do take some responsibility for her unhappiness as I don’t know how to deal with it and I always seem to say and do the wrong thing .
Thank you for the replies I know none of your lives are a bed of roses or you wouldn’t be on here , no one finds this site because they’re far too freakin happy .
While I don't wish to be a killjoy in any way, I personally can no longer see the real point in greetings cards as A; they're a waste of natural resources IMO (trees, etc), and B; they're in pursuit of profits.
Ditto for conventional 'printed' newspapers, of which are already increasingly outmoded in favour of online, which the sooner they're given the heave-ho the better.
Buster, I can very much relate to your current struggles as my own mother has quite severe dementia, though luckily not quite threatening suicide nor highly confrontational, but both me and my dad can see the inevitable getting closer; her going to live in a care home in the not-too-distant future.
He does not even call me Mom or anything like that…he calls me by my Christian name. A bit like Bart Simpson and Homer. Done it since he was about 10:D He’s bonkers but I do love him.
Yeah, my son's tried that with me. I took them to one side and said, 'Everybody calls me Nora (not my actual name, obvs) - including people I dislike immensely. Three humans get to call me mum. It's incredibly special to me.'.
Thanks to my use of emotional blackmail, he's never tried to use my name since..:yesyes:
Buster, I'm so pleased you keep in touch because I think it's important for you not to feel alone.
I also thinks it's important to keep the therapy for yourself.
To a certain extent we can only help so far and there's probably more intimate stuff you need to offload.
As far as your daughters, I know it's hurtful but it's not the first time I've heard this in family life and it's got nothing to do with their upbringing but more to do with their lifestyle now and who they associate with in my opinion. They may even have their own struggles and whether you get a card or not is not the be all or end all of a relationship. But I get the thought was not there and its upsetting.
You keep saying you give your partner space. Even if you suffer the consequences. This is something you can talk about in therapy but in my opinion, it's not working!
Are you a little soft when it comes to giving in with your partners wishes because of the threat of her doing something dangerous? And just trying to please her by tippy toeing around her needs?
Again, it hasn't been working.
Can Buster be a little firmer maybe as he is suffering too!
The thing is, the situation has been going on so long and become a habit, so yes! Therapy is definitely a good idea in this present time.
Personally I think she needs a break in hospital where she will be looked after by professionals. You also need a break…that’s important to remember. She’s got to a point where she needs a concentrated period of help. Not a quick visit and then left to cope.
Let’s see what they recommend this morning. Let us know.
Echo what Mrs.C said…please keep in touch. It seems to me that you have no one to talk to about this. Your shoulders aren’t that strong and wide. We’re all here rooting for you….never forget that.
The psychiatrist turned up this morning along with a cop , apparently this is normal now , he had a good talk with her and said she could go into a hospital for a stay but she’s not keen , he’s suggested trying citalopram apparently this is well suited to menopausal women with depression, it certainly did me no favours but everyone is different .
Carnation I’d like to be stronger but I’ve become so scared of how things escalate and when she’s angry she thinks nothing of the consequences of her actions , i went out while the Doc was there and picked up some cake and flowers for her , she seemed more positive for a while but it soon died off , there is so much I can’t share on here and I don’t have anyone to open up to , I just plod on through the day dealing with people making them laugh and inside I’m screaming out for help .
I know I need to look after myself as well but this is my life there’s is no hiding from it , no matter where you go you take it with you in your head .
lenco I thought my mum would end up in a carehome because she had dementia but it didn’t end that way , she passed away in hospital in lockdown , you never really know how things will go , just try to make the most of the time you have and say the things you need to say now while you can , don’t regret it later .
Soo tired my phone hasn’t stopped all day and tomorrow will be the same , I wish we could go back to the days of the phone screwed to the hall wall where you’d get some peace .
While I don't wish to be a killjoy in any way, I personally can no longer see the real point in greetings cards as A; they're a waste of natural resources IMO (trees, etc), and B; they're in pursuit of profits.
Ditto for conventional 'printed' newspapers, of which are already increasingly outmoded in favour of online, which the sooner they're given the heave-ho the better.
Two words: recycled cards.:yesyes:
I have a huge box in my wardrobe with cards I've kept since I was 16. In that box are cards from my mum and dad, and then just my mum. Cards from my grandma, aunties, uncles - people who are no longer here. I've kept every card my kids have given me, and I especially treasure those home made ones. I have every card from my husband, and I've kept all mine to him from me. When we cleared out his dad's house, I found an old birthday card to my husband (as a kid) from his mum and dad. I brought that home with me..
Those cards are tangible reminders of people I love and every now and then I get the box down and go through them all. I kept cards for all my children and gave my eldest sons a big box of cards and their school books and pictures (starting from nursery) when they grew up. I will do the same for my youngest son, and his box he will find cards from the nana that he doesn't remember because he was two when she died, and cards from his grandad who died two years ago, and who he loved very much, as well as every card me and his Dad have given him and cards from the brother's who he adores..
My mother never did this. Nothing was kept. And I really wish she had, because that would be so special to have things from my childhood which I could look at now. Irreplaceable cards with handwritten sentiments from people who I've loved and who've loved me. 16 years worth. As it is, when I moved out of my parent's house is when I started keeping my cards and now I have 36 years worth..
I don't see just 'profits'. I see the hours that my mum stood choosing the 'perfect' card for me and I see her lovely handwriting. I see my dad's name on there too. These cards remind me of when I was a daughter..
Buster, I really feel for you, things sound very tough. I agree with everyone else who has said it, you need support yourself. Therapy, time doing things that calm you and make you happy. When you have to support someone else you really need to look after yourself.
Just wanted to show my support.
Oh Buster, I don’t really know what to say, I’m just so sorry for all the crap that is thrown at you. We are here for you to let it out a bit. Please feel free.
Apologies for hijacking your thread to waffle on about cards, B..
We're all here for you mate.
Keep checking in?
My own mother is in a terrible state right now, especially with incontinence and even using chairs, washing baskets, etc as toilets. Both me and my dad are at the end of our tether with her as she is refusing point blank to co-operate; not only with us but also with her homecare assistants, plus also refusing to wash and take her daily meds.
We shall be having meetings with specialist Drs and the SW this week, plus I have a sneaky suspicion this will probably be the final week she lives with us!
I might also just as well be sectioned myself as I felt very tempted to have violent and aggressive meltdowns on occasions over the weekend, what with all the rowing and screaming between my mom and dad.
Please, someone lecture me about zero tolerance and the Riot Act!
My own mother is in a terrible state right now, especially with incontinence and even using chairs, washing baskets, etc as toilets. Both me and my dad are at the end of our tether with her as she is refusing point blank to co-operate; not only with us but also with her homecare assistants, plus also refusing to wash and take her daily meds.
Sorry to hear this..
We shall be having meetings with specialist Drs and the SW this week, plus I have a sneaky suspicion this will probably be the final week she lives with us!
How does that make you feel?
I might also just as well be sectioned myself as I felt very tempted to have violent and aggressive meltdowns on occasions over the weekend, what with all the rowing and screaming between my mom and dad.
I don't understand this, Lenco. I have no control (or choice) over my meltdowns (as rare as they are because I generally go the other way) Maybe I'm just misunderstanding you?
I'm really sorry that this is happening at home, it must be very unpleasant and stressful environment for you and your dad. (And I don't imagine it's much of a picnic for your mum either..)
Buster, you can become stronger within and a theta will help with that. You know the situation with your partner so well now and have to admit it's ingoing so to deal with your frustration and unhappiness it really does help to talk to someone. It's quite clear to me you will never leave your partner because you love her and a split will only happen on her say-so but for the time being you are together and that's what you have to deal with. x
Lencoboy, I know it's extremely difficult for you with your mum's situation but somehow you have to detach yourself from the downside. The rows are the frustration which I know you feel too. You need to take yourself off mentally and and find something distracting to keep your sanity, whether it be a hobby, listening to music, a calming App, a walk, exercise, watching a film.
Remind yourself how well you are coping too!
Lencoboy, I know it's extremely difficult for you with your mum's situation but somehow you have to detach yourself from the downside. The rows are the frustration which I know you feel too. You need to take yourself off mentally and and find something distracting to keep your sanity, whether it be a hobby, listening to music, a calming App, a walk, exercise, watching a film.
Remind yourself how well you are coping too!
Tomorrow I shall (hopefully) be returning to my day centre that I usually attend on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but was unable to last week due to the train strikes being on those two days (plus Saturday of course, which didn't affect me personally), plus my dad doesn't like driving me there and back for various reasons.
As I already mentioned upthread, I now think the inevitable is imminent with my mom (care home) which I fully expect and accept calmly.
It must be a very distressing situation for you, Lenco. You and your dad must be at the end of your tether. Is he ready for her to go into a care home now? Have you been told that there would be a place available for her?
This is going to be a time of very high tension in your house and there will be shouting inevitably. You do need to detach yourself from this both physically and mentally as raised voices/shouting is such a trigger for you. if you can't leave the house can you at least go to a different room and use your headphones or play some music to drown out the noise? Or do you feel compelled to stay with the shouting and suffer the consequences?
It must be a very distressing situation for you, Lenco. You and your dad must be at the end of your tether. Is he ready for her to go into a care home now? Have you been told that there would be a place available for her?
This is going to be a time of very high tension in your house and there will be shouting inevitably. You do need to detach yourself from this both physically and mentally as raised voices/shouting is such a trigger for you. if you can't leave the house can you at least go to a different room and use your headphones or play some music to drown out the noise? Or do you feel compelled to stay with the shouting and suffer the consequences?
The trouble is Pulisa, that my mom now needs her clothes and underwear changing multiple times per day, plus wets the bed pretty much nightly now.
She is now also refusing point blank to use the toilet, let alone get washed, and unfortunately, both myself and my dad are having to kind of 'manhandle' her into getting out of her urine-soaked clothing, and she screams blue murder whilst we are attempting to take the soiled clothing off her, as it we're literally trying to murder or rape her (which we're most certainly not).
I really dread to imagine what our neighbours might be thinking right now; as if we're a nasty bunch of lunatics/maniacs in our house, which again, we're not.
My dad has even pleaded with me not to attend my day centre tomorrow so I can help him manage my mom until further outside help is possible, which is sadly lacking as of today.
BTW, sorry for hijacking your thread, Buster.
I really dread to imagine what our neighbours might be thinking right now; as if we're a nasty bunch of lunatics/maniacs in our house, which again, we're not.
I'm sure they'll understand that your mother is ill Lenco..
I'm sure they'll understand that your mother is ill Lenco..
Plus we're not nasty woman-beaters, rapists or murderers either.
I'm also really upset right now because I feel like a prisoner in my own family. For the past 2 years, my day centre attendance has been at the mercy of endless Covid waves and variants on and off (with my dad terrified of me bringing them home); last week it was train strikes, and this week it's my mom, plus the Health and Social Care people still seemingly dragging their heels ever since the last national lockdown ended.
I'm really dreading the thought of my dad waking me up in the early hours of tomorrow morning banging on my door to get him to help him to change my mom's wet clothing and their wet bed. He said to me today when I told him about said concern that some things we sometimes have to do whether we like it or not, and that could be one of those things, as he said I wouldn't be very fair to him by expecting him to deal with it on his own.
I just wish someone would just whisk me away into care right now; even if it was the hellhole residential school I attended back in 86-88, which probably (and hopefully) isn't as much as a hellhole today, as times have obviously moved on.
Mr.Ds mother ended her life with dementia Lenco. She also had a psychotic episode which ended up with her running in the street screaming the neighbours were in the chimney breast trying to get in and kill her. It was a very hard time and I know what you’re going through.
in the end she did end up in care. She had to, it was beyond what any of us were equipped to cope with.
Go to your day centre. Make sure everything’s settled and then go. It’s your escape and you need me time.
Mr.Ds mother ended her life with dementia Lenco. She also had a psychotic episode which ended up with her running in the street screaming the neighbours were in the chimney breast trying to get in and kill her. It was a very hard time and I know what you’re going through.
in the end she did end up in care. She had to, it was beyond what any of us were equipped to cope with.
Go to your day centre. Make sure everything’s settled and then go. It’s your escape and you need me time.
My dad said he can no longer cope on his own managing my mom without me present, and urgently needs my assistance until further notice, e.g, when the Health and Social Care people finally start putting their feet down, which I really hope won't have to wait until after this week at the very earliest.
Lencoboy, it does sound like a care home is imminent for your mum. The only other option is having carers attend the house but home carers unfortunately do very little because of their limited time and family are expected to fill the gaps. They also won't necessarily be there when you need them, especially during the urine accidents.
I've been there lencoboy, with my mum and MIL.
It's a lot to take on physically and emotionally.
I hope the social worker can sort something out for your mum and I expect your dad has been finding it difficult to let go. It's definitely not an easy time for you both.
That's a tough situation Lenco. As the ladies here have said, this isn't something that you should have to be dealing with. Or your Dad of course. When my Dad came out of hossy recently, I was there emptying his catheter bags. It isn't nice for any of you, including your Mum, she wouldn't want that. I do hope you find some resolution and soon mate. Look after yourself.
There is always the option of calling the out of hours crisis SW team, Lenco. My view is that you have your own specific needs and your dad shouldn't be depriving you of your right to go to your day centre. You are not your mum's carer..Your dad is. Of course it's far too much for him to cope with now but that's how the adult social care system works or doesn't work. You have to reach rock bottom before help is forthcoming. Your dad has to tell the relevant authorities that he can no longer cope. She may be offered temporary respite care in a home so that she can be assessed as to her needs.
There is always the option of calling the out of hours crisis SW team, Lenco. My view is that you have your own specific needs and your dad shouldn't be depriving you of your right to go to your day centre. You are not your mum's carer..Your dad is. Of course it's far too much for him to cope with now but that's how the adult social care system works or doesn't work. You have to reach rock bottom before help is forthcoming. Your dad has to tell the relevant authorities that he can no longer cope. She may be offered temporary respite care in a home so that she can be assessed as to her needs.
The idea of temporary respite care in a home for my mom is currently being discussed, even if it does result in her being dragged out of our house kicking and screaming, which of course may bring me painful flashbacks to when I was being taken to the residential school and, later, my first respite unit in my very early teens, which was an epic failure in its own right, despite being an 'apples and oranges' situation.
But sometimes, of course, we have to 'be cruel to be kind', as the saying goes.
Plus (dare I say it), that initial sense of freedom will no doubt be a great relief for both me and my dad.
You may be surprised. She may go in quite willingly but whenever this happens, I don't think you should be there.
That's good advice Pulisa.
Well the good news is I didn't have to be woken up by my dad in the early hours of this morning to help him deal with my mom.
Last night I was musing on my own respite care when I was younger, as it seemed like such services were all the rage back in the 90s (under both Major and later the early Blair govt), but as the 2000s wore on, respite units for persons with LDs seemed to fall out of favour, and ended up closing left, right and centre, even predating the start of the GFC and the subsequent austerity drives.
I know trends are often subject to change, but I can't help wondering what went wrong with the LD respite services during the first half of the 2000s which eventually contributed to their demise from around 2005 onwards; my second respite unit that I left in 2005 closed in early 2007, though I generally no longer felt a sense of belonging there since about 2002, which was one of the reasons why I eventually left.
Plus we're not nasty woman-beaters, rapists or murderers either.
That's what I mean; they'll know your mum is very ill. Nobody will be thinking 'rapists and murderers', this is you having this irrational thought..
Different thing to you and your mum, but my son used to have horrendous meltdowns. I won't go into details because I don't want to trigger you but I used to worry about the neighbours too, except that they knew my son was autistic and they were really good about the noise.
I'm really dreading the thought of my dad waking me up in the early hours of tomorrow morning banging on my door to get him to help him to change my mom's wet clothing and their wet bed. He said to me today when I told him about said concern that some things we sometimes have to do whether we like it or not, and that could be one of those things, as he said I wouldn't be very fair to him by expecting him to deal with it on his own.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you Lenco. I don't think I'm the only one on this forum who thinks this, but I just want to scoop you up and get you out of this mess. We're all here for you, you know?
Your dad's right. Sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to do. I had to do things for my dad when he was ill which I struggled with having sensory issues. My mum had to clean him up after his accidents and also hold him as cried his eyes out from the indignity of it all. This is life. It's hard enough on neurotypical people but it can be especially tough on autistics who struggle with sensory issues, change, and other things as everything is going on all at the same time..
I just wish someone would just whisk me away into care right now; even if it was the hellhole residential school I attended back in 86-88, which probably (and hopefully) isn't as much as a hellhole today, as times have obviously moved on.
Nothing is forever. Things will change. And you have to be prepared for this because change (good and bad) affects autistics differently and sometimes we go the other way to what we expect. You have to try and cope as best you can, for now, and don't neglect your own needs because the last thing your dad needs is to have to cope with you going off the rails as well as what's happening to your mum. Go to your day centre, you need the respite. It's not selfishness; it's self-care...
We don't ask for any of this do we? But shit comes our way regardless and we have to do the best we can. All three of you are going through your own versions of hell right now but this won't be forever. Hang on in there and, absolutely help your dad, but also take care of your own needs. I think your dad is so caught up in what's happening to him that he's forgetting about your needs so you will have to advocate for yourself here. You're no good to him if you lose your shit, right?
I'm sure your dad is understandably beside himself with despair and exhaustion..and also fear as he has to confront the realisation that he can no longer care for his wife at home and the next step-although much needed-is a huge one. He's probably lost sight of your own needs but I think it may be beneficial to talk to someone you respect at your day centre today just to offload a bit and let them know what pressure you feel under at home?
It's very hard to keep things stable and predictable at home when there is a major trauma going on. I tried my hardest when my son was so ill 3 years ago but my daughter is still suffering from the fallout on a daily basis despite ongoing specialised therapy. Look after your own needs and speak out to someone today if you can? It may speed up the process of getting your mum (and dad) the intervention they both desperately need.
How are you doing Buster?
That's what I mean; they'll know your mum is very ill. Nobody will be thinking 'rapists and murderers', this is you having this irrational thought..
Different thing to you and your mum, but my son used to have horrendous meltdowns. I won't go into details because I don't want to trigger you but I used to worry about the neighbours too, except that they knew my son was autistic and they were really good about the noise.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you Lenco. I don't think I'm the only one on this forum who thinks this, but I just want to scoop you up and get you out of this mess. We're all here for you, you know?
Your dad's right. Sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to do. I had to do things for my dad when he was ill which I struggled with having sensory issues. My mum had to clean him up after his accidents and also hold him as cried his eyes out from the indignity of it all. This is life. It's hard enough on neurotypical people but it can be especially tough on autistics who struggle with sensory issues, change, and other things as everything is going on all at the same time..
Nothing is forever. Things will change. And you have to be prepared for this because change (good and bad) affects autistics differently and sometimes we go the other way to what we expect. You have to try and cope as best you can, for now, and don't neglect your own needs because the last thing your dad needs is to have to cope with you going off the rails as well as what's happening to your mum. Go to your day centre, you need the respite. It's not selfishness; it's self-care...
We don't ask for any of this do we? But shit comes our way regardless and we have to do the best we can. All three of you are going through your own versions of hell right now but this won't be forever. Hang on in there and, absolutely help your dad, but also take care of your own needs. I think your dad is so caught up in what's happening to him that he's forgetting about your needs so you will have to advocate for yourself here. You're no good to him if you lose your shit, right?
Thanks for your lovely words Nora, Pulisa and others.
Nora, you're dead right that 'sh1t happens' in some form or another in everyday life.
Today, at long last, it finally seems like our luck might be about to change as several people have been on the blower to my dad this morning, with (at the very least, and initially) a fortnight in a respite unit for my mom so she can be thoroughly assessed.
Probably won't be this week as numerous arrangements will need to be made over the coming days, plus the SS need to find a suitable unit somewhere within the county of Staffs (ultimately as close to where we live as possible), and of course with a vacancy for her.
So I'm generally feeling a little more optimistic so far today.
Oh, Lenco, that's brilliant news!
Today, at long last, it finally seems like our luck might be about to change as several people have been on the blower to my dad this morning, with (at the very least, and initially) a fortnight in a respite unit for my mom so she can be thoroughly assessed.
This is EXCELLENT news Lenco!
That's very good news lencoboy
The latest lowdown on my mom:
Tomorrow she shall be admitted (at least as a temporary measure and possibly for a fortnight) to a care home just outside Lichfield (approx 15-20 mins drive), which is still within a fairly decent tolerance of distance, plus better than nothing, as it's the only nearest place to us in the county where there is currently a vacancy at this particular moment in time.
So I shall (discreetly, and at least in my head) be treating tonight as the last that my mom lives with us, in case she goes straight to live in a care home permanently after the next 2 weeks, either remaining in that particular home or, if a place becomes available in due course, another care home much closer to where we live.
So today has most certainly been a 'breakthrough', despite very likely being the 'beginning of the end of an era' for both me and my dad.
Nevertheless, thank you all for your support, albeit in 'text' form!
P.S. Buster, I still owe you an apology for hijacking your thread.
Lenco, please allow me to give you a 'blokey' slap on the back and a firm handshake. This news is wonderful, but of course bitter-sweet and something that will take time to get used to. 15 to 20 mins is not far, and of course if they can find a home even closer, all the better. You are in my thoughts buddy.
And I'm sure Buster doesn't mind, threads can have a habit of straying off course.
But to echo Carnation, how are you doing Buster?
I'm so pleased that SS have actually come good on their offer of practical help for your family unit. It's well overdue but your dad had to make that decision for himself and for you. I hope that your dad won't have to drive her there and that arrangements have been made for transport by the home.
Keep posting, Buster? When life is tough every little helps as they say...and we are all strugglers but kind strugglers and not fake kind strugglers!:)
Good news Lenco!
And Buster, keep us posted.
Great news Lenco. I’m really pleased for you:D As I said with Mr.Ds mother, it was a relief. We were well out of our depth.
Im sure Buster wont mind Lenco. We’re all in the same boat and Buster would be the first to call it the SS Titanic:whistles:
Thank you all once again for your comments.
Yes it's a bittersweet situation; highly emotional and poignant, but on the flip side, a sense of freedom and relief, albeit in a rather guilty sense, as if we're kind of pushing her out and disowning her, which we certainly aren't.
But of course, as I've already said upthread, we sometimes (ironically) have to be cruel to be kind, especially in situations like this.
Great news Lenco. I’m really pleased for you:D As I said with Mr.Ds mother, it was a relief. We were well out of our depth.
Im sure Buster wont mind Lenco. We’re all in the same boat and Buster would be the first to call it the SS Titanic:whistles:
But thank goodness Kate W and Leonardo aren't at the helm of this thread...:D
Thank you all once again for your comments.
Yes it's a bittersweet situation; highly emotional and poignant, but on the flip side, a sense of freedom and relief, albeit in a rather guilty sense, as if we're kind of pushing her out and disowning her, which we certainly aren't.
But of course, as I've already said upthread, we sometimes (ironically) have to be cruel to be kind, especially in situations like this.
The relief must be immense but don't be surprised if it takes a while to adjust and relax because you've been used to living a very stressful life for a long time..
The relief must be immense but don't be surprised if it takes a while to adjust and relax because you've been used to living a very stressful life for a long time..
But I'm generally thinking philosophically and along the lines of 'times move on' and 'time is a healer'.
Tough initially, but easier in the long run, once accustomed to the changes.
Buster, hope you are ok :hugs:
Today's lowdown:
My dad took my mom to the care home at lunchtime, and surprisingly he said that she was fully co-operative with the staff there when she arrived, and went in peacefully with no noticeable signs of distress or resistance, which we're both relieved about.
And it's a really nice place she's been admitted to for the time being.
Today's lowdown:
My dad took my mom to the care home at lunchtime, and surprisingly he said that she was fully co-operative with the staff there when she arrived, and went in peacefully with no noticeable signs of distress or resistance, which we're both relieved about.
And it's a really nice place she's been admitted to for the time being.
Positive stuff Lenco...
My mum had a few respite stays Lenco. Don’t be surprised if they send her home after 2 weeks, but if they do I can guarantee she will be in a better mood than when she left. I hope she enjoys her stay and you enjoy your respite. You should be able to go ad see her if you want, I used to pop & see my Mum at dinner time some days.
Ps. Buster, hope you’re ok x
Hi all , getting old ain’t all it’s cracked up to be right Lenco ? Me and my bro went through it but my brother was in your position living with my mum so full time carer , maybe looking back it was a blessing that she passed away before going into care as she was dead against it , he took it very badly when she did pass feeling he’d let her down and I still feel guilty I didn’t do enough but you have gone above and beyond what is expected and I tell my brother this quite often , we’re only human and can only do so much , you’re welcome to use this thread when ever .
Thank you all for asking how I’m doing , not good but what’s new , partner is getting more depressed and I can’t do right for doing wrong , she talks about suicide most days and it does make me fearful for going anywhere but I have to work , on paper our lives are better than ever money coming in and a holiday home but we’re so unhappy nothing really matters , my Doctors rang today for me to go for a chest X-ray next week because they’re not happy with my asthma , the way I feel I can only think the outcome will be bad , I’ve wrecked my lungs doing jobs that meant dealing with isocynates and dirty dust , I’m now paying the price , I can’t remember when mental health are ringing me in July but it does seem a bit pointless my problems won’t disappear and if I go to a therapist again I just talk crap because I hate awkward silences , I cringe at the things I’ve said rather than say nothing .
Anyway I’m still here upright above ground and haven't thrown myself in the wood chipper yet so there is hope , just .
Thanks for thinking of me .
Thanks for or checking in B. We're all thinking about you..
Just a thought Buster :unsure:
I'm wondering if your partners behavior is for a reaction. Not necessarily you, but could even be for your daughters and family, although you would have to receive such moods and behaviour because your daughters are not there. She would know you would relay certain information. It's certainly a habit.
Do you know if there's a difference when the family come round? I think you've mentioned before the disappointment of cancelled get-togethers and forgetting birthdays. It can be very hurtful to a mother. You would be handy to blame or attack verbally. Just a thought.
So far so good with my mom in the care home today.
Carnation , she has always sought approval by doing way too much for people and then falls hard when they let her down , her own mother would tell her she wished let her die at birth and went out of her way to make her life hell , she’s always had mood swings from lovely thoughtful and giving to hateful , we all carry the shite we picked up as kids with us .
Spent some time with my Granddaughter today going round shops winding each other up , she is the funniest person I know and can put a smile on my miserable face on the darkest of days .
Im soo tired every day , I wake up more tired than when I go to bed and I’m in pain all day , this X-ray is worrying me but fingers crossed , life is hard and it’s not getting easier with age .
Thanks for asking after me .
Lenco good to hear she seems to be settling in hopefully this will give you and your dad a well earned break .
My call from the mental health people came and went , I’d gone to the flat for a couple of days to pick my partner up , she stays there a lot now , it was the hottest day of the year so my plan to sit on the beach when the call was due went out the window and I didn’t like the idea of trying to talk to them with no privacy , it seemed pretty pointless anyway I know what my problems are and they aren’t going away no matter who I talk to , I had my X-ray , bloods and ecg but I haven’t been back for my results , I guess if there was anything bad they’d contact me right ?
We rented the other flat to a mate of a mate who is in the final stages of cancer , they stopped his treatment and he wanted a last holiday so we’ve helped him out and let his family stay with him , now that’s a real problem .
So you’d think a good turn deserves another but as usual with life it just chucks more shite your way , a woman at the coast we know has tried to con my partner being all nice but lying through her teeth , it’s kicked her back down not that she was up anyway and now she’s in an even worse state of mind , she talks about not wanting to live most days and says I’d be better off without her , I worry myself sick thinking she’ll take another overdose , I can’t sleep tonight because she’s stayed downstairs and I feel I need to keep checking on her to make sure she hasn’t taken anything, she talks to a psychiatrist and social worker every week and I try to do my best to help her but she just says there’s nothing I can do .
It all seems so unfair that we have pretty much what we want in life right now and it means nothing neither of us can enjoy it .
Theres a lot I can’t even put on here for fear of who could see it and I don’t want to upset anyone either but it’s all pretty grim .
sorry for the rant I don’t really know why I’m putting this on here , hope you lot are doing okay I haven’t read anything for a while .
Theres a lot I can’t even put on here for fear of who could see it and I don’t want to upset anyone either but it’s all pretty grim .
sorry for the rant I don’t really know why I’m putting this on here
You're doing it because you need to get this stuff out. (and I'm glad you keep popping in)
Checking on your partner every five minutes will drive you insane. She's got professional help and those are the people who are trained to help her with this. It's important that you take care of yourself too, though it's probably the last thing you feel like doing. I'm having my moments with depression (due to living in constant pain) but whenever my husband offers to stay in with me and not go bowling and out for a pint (or six) with his mates, I say no - because I know he needs this. He's far more equipped to deal with me and my shit if he has time to himself where he can just go and be 'one of the lads'. (I say 'lads' - he's one of the youngest at 51)
Re your partner sleeping downstairs.. maybe she just needs some space? It doesn't mean she's going to do anything. I think you need to try and loosen your grip a little here B; for your own sanity. There are lots of ways you can support your partner through this awful time but ultimately you're not responsible for what she does.
You can always message me privately, and know that you have friends here who care about you..
Buster, I meant to reply sooner but my toothache took precedence.
Please tell your partner the same sort of thing happens to me it's not personal! And the stuff that is important is her contribution to life no matter how small.
She knows you love her but she's irritated and full of the disappointments of life.
The fact she wants to be near the coast is a sign she is looking for the answers she desperately needs. If she had thoughts of giving up she wouldn't bother with it all.
Deep down you are her rock and rocks get chipped away and that's probably how you are feeling. You have the broad shoulders that she doesn't have, so your presence is important. You keeping going Buster and poor out your woes on here. We can be your rock. xx
I just can’t do right for doing wrong , she’s so angry at life , people and especially me , last time I spent time elsewhere to give her space she took a load of pills , one day this is going to kill her or do some serious damage , she can only see the bad I’ve done nothing good but everything I do is for h
er , I work to keep the place at the coast but if she wasn’t around I wouldn’t go there again .
I got a letter from mental health today saying because they didn’t speak to me they assume I no longer need their help , they couldn’t be more wrong but it seems pointless .
Today we’ve had another busy up because I didn’t have a go at a neighbour she hates over parking , I’m not up to confrontations so I just let it go which really annoyed her and to be honest doesn’t make me feel good about letting people walk over me , I feel so low and can’t see and end to it being this way .
Thank you for taking the time to reply I’m not sure I deserve it but I do appreciate it .
You sound so down Buster and I wish you could find that happiness you so deserve.
I'm sure it's been said before but I'll say it again.
You have to look after no1 first and foremost. Having a partner with mental issues is hard and if you suffer yourself it's a hard task to have an easy life.
Your partner is not going to change but chooses to stay connected to you. But you can't be worrying every living day about her welfare and she shouldn't be putting you in a position like that. The parking matter is a prime example and I'm pleased you didn't bow down to doing something you are not comfortable with. The situation between the two of you is what it is and you have to find ways of coping. Life gets harder as you get older but it doesn't mean it always has to be sad. You take the good bits with open arms no matter how small or shortlived.
As far as being dismissed with your own mental health that can be rectified with a phone call, although I get the impression that you think it's quite pointless in the grand scheme of things.
There's no magic wand or advice that will suddenly make everything great but in the same breathe it can be if your partner comes out of this self harming situation. Only she can do that and all the tiptoeing is pointless and you need to just get on with your own personal stuff Buster. You are not her guardian you are her partner and a partnership only works if it's fair and equal work.
And I don't think you should stay away from the coastal property so she can be alone. It's your baby and you deserve to reap the benefits. You have a very kind heart Buster and letting that family stay. Give some of that kindness to yourself! x
What does your partner do when you are working during the day, Buster?
I just can’t do right for doing wrong , she’s so angry at life , people and especially me , last time I spent time elsewhere to give her space she took a load of pills , one day this is going to kill her or do some serious damage
Did she do this because you went out? (as in emotional/psychological blackmail?)
Today we’ve had another busy up because I didn’t have a go at a neighbour she hates over parking , I’m not up to confrontations so I just let it go which really annoyed her and to be honest doesn’t make me feel good about letting people walk over me , I feel so low and can’t see and end to it being this way .
You have to make changes Buster or things will stay the same. You can't change your partner but you can change things about yourself..
Thank you for taking the time to reply I’m not sure I deserve it but I do appreciate it .
And maybe start by addressing why you don't feel that you 'deserve' help? If it's because you've f**ed up, who hasn't? This doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human.
After a big argument yesterday I’ve stayed away again , I have a place to go now so I’m not on the streets but it’s not how I’d like things to be , you’re right carnation I do feel the lowest I’ve felt in a very long time and calling mental health back does seem pointless , I come home from the coast for two reasons to give her space to try and rest and heal and because I have to work , if I leave it someone else will step into my shoes very quickly, she’s not happy there or here but at home she has the extra worry of bumping into our alcoholic neighbour who she rightly stopped talking to after a load of abuse while she was drunk , she now worries about going out and being attacked .
Pulisa when I’m out working or at home while she’s away the idea was she’d rest and get one sleep because the old dog get us up a lot through the night , but the reality is she finds anything and everything to clean scrub and tidy , she can’t go out far because of her knee problems and without a cocktail of painkillers she can’t function, sometimes she’ll empty cupboards and the fridge in the middle of the night .
lately she talks a lot about losing her dad so young and how evil her mum was to her , she spent her whole life trying to make people like her and keeps trusting the wrong people then gets let down , she said last night she wants to be looked after instead of looking after others for once but I don’t know what she needs from me , I offer my help doing things around the house but she needs to do things her way if do them she’ll re do it , I go and get her medication, buy her flowers , I’ve taken her to the coast countless times and then fetched her back , I compliment her a lot which falls on deaf ears , I know when I’m stressing over work I leave her out but work is a necessary evil to keep what we now have .
Well it’s another day not that I’m overjoyed about that and in the back of my mind I’m already thinking will today be the day I find her gone .
thank you for the comments.
You are already looking after her Buster.
It seems your partner needs some serious therapy. We all have disappointments in life and most of us get on with living with what we have now.
I'm also inclined to believe the obsessing cleaning is a release for anger. And pushing you away is more than likely because she thinks she doesn't deserve happiness.
I can't believe she doesn't have followups from her previous attempts of overdosing. You can't be worrying about her 24/7, it's not healthy and especially for your relationship.
As for the trust issue. Happens to all of us. People in general will let you down, use you, or be wrapped up in their own turmoil. And as you get older you tend to expect this in life. It's not a bowl of roses but we make the best of it. Your partner cannot do anything about the past, it's gone, it happened, it can't be changed. She can do something about the present and future but chooses to wallow in the past dragging you along the way. Maybe she wants you to feel how she feels with the way she acts and she knows you'll jump if she clicks her fingers. The threat of overdosing is keeping you on your toes and that's why you are reluctant to put your foot down. It's making your life hell Buster and it's been going on for so long that it's just become normality.
Personally I'd keep pushing the therapy. If not for her, for you! x
She is holding you to ransom with the threat of overdosing, Buster. As you know only too well. She even told you that she'd taken some pills recently and then made herself sick. Why is she doing this to you? You can make excuses for her ad infinitum but unless you know her official diagnosis you won't be able to make sense of her behaviours. Understanding why she behaves as she does could help you manage your own mental distress better?
Buster, I think that getting help with your mental health may be the key into helping her too. You will hopefully be stronger and more resilient, and so able to deal with the stresses from your wife too. You may even get some advice on how to respond to her.
You sound so sad, and I do appreciate that this is your only outlet, so it might be nice to get some help for you for a change x
Thank you for the replies , I’m not daft I know what’s going on in my life and I know how wrong and unhealthy it is especially for my own state of mind but I’m terrified of doing / saying the wrong thing and she does something irreversible, the woman who used to take my breath away now makes me scared to breathe , I don’t see a way out of this any time soon .
I didn’t reply sooner as I had a funeral of a close friend to go to yesterday and I had been stressing over going , you know that feeling of should I spare myself and not go then beat myself up for a month or grin and bear it , I went and as stressful and upsetting as it was I felt better for going , his wife made me promise to go and see her soon not sure why but time will tell .
Anyway half bloody four in the morning and got work to do today so better try and get a bit more sleep before it’s time to face the day .
Again thank you x
Do you want a way out of this though or do you want to carry on living as you do because it's what you're used to and you don't want to rock the boat? What do your children think about their mum's behaviours?
the woman who used to take my breath away now makes me scared to breathe
I was scared to breathe around someone, B. They took their MH issues out on me for two decades and one night I reached my breaking point.. (we all have one).
My problem (or one of them) was that I had no boundaries so he kept pushing me further and further. My mum was clear on her boundaries. My dad (in the 1950s having been brainwashed into thinking that husbands could give their wives a slap and it be ok) didn't figure on my mother and her massive pair of scissors. She was cutting up some lino; they had an argument. My dad raised his hand to slap her face; she pinned him up against the wall, took the scissors to his throat and said, 'If you ever raise your hand to me again, I will leave you. Ok?'. Zero boundary issues with my mother and Dad never did anything like that again. (They were happily married for 38 years)
You're terrified of your partner hurting herself because of something you do or say. I was terrified of my husband hurting me because of something I did or said; neither is a healthy situation to be in..
From what you've said on here, you are being manipulated and emotionally blackmailed. MH issues don't excuse manipulative behaviour. You have to work out what your boundaries are and stick to them. A loving relationship should be based on mutual love and respect, not threats and fear of losing that person..
Don't make excuses for your partner's behaviour. I did that and it's wrong. There is no excuse for abusive behaviour; only reasons. It's up to them to take responsibility for their actions. In making excuses for my husband, I was adding to the problem..
Your partner needs professional help, and so do you. Ensure she gets the help that she needs; let her know that you care about her, but also that you are not going to be held responsible for any choices she makes to harm herself. Nobody should put a burden like that onto someone they love Buster..
I'm sorry you had to go through living like that nora. :hugs:
Buster, nora speaks some home truths, which deep down you are probably aware of and possibly choose to ignore.
And things ain't gonna change until you change it.
Your partner clearly needs help and you clearly need support and guidance. Otherwise it will never change my friend. x
And things ain't gonna change until you change it.
100% this.
Buster, you will be doing yourself (and your partner) a kindness in refusing to tolerate this manipulative behaviour.
My brother is a recovering alcoholic and his self-abuse culminated in being admitted to critical care earlier this year. My brother-in-law was told to prepare himself for bad news because my brother was in a really bad way. Thankfully, my brother survived and once he was back home his husband (having found and removed every bottle of wine in the house) told him that he loved him with all his heart but he wasn't going to go through that again. He gave him an ultimatum; get help or he'd lose him. My brother made his choice and he's been sober ever since..
Sometimes we have to make the hardest decisions. That's where life really sucks. What also sucks is how those we love push us into having to make such heart-breaking decisions. But if willing someone to change ever worked, then your partner wouldn't be holding you to emotional blackmail; that first slap off my husband would also have been the last, and my brother wouldn't have drank himself into critical care.
Not being privy to what's in your partner's head - this will go one of a few ways. One, these are empty threats. Two, she might carry the threat out but only when you're there because it's designed to hurt you (and she knows you will get help for her) and reading through these posts, I see that's already happened and she made herself sick? Three, (and I doubt this one because of the previous two) she just wants out and it won't matter if you're there or not..
In terms of all three; you cannot control what she does - you can only control what you do.
I have sympathy for your partner; her back story sounds like she's had a difficult time of it but this doesn't give her the right to take those issues out on you. And if you've personally added to her burden in any way, it still doesn't give her the right to hold you to emotional ransom like this..
To me, the best thing you can do for her (and yourself) is to stop enabling the behaviour..
The next time she threatens to overdose, sit down with her, hold her hand if she'll let you. Tell her that you love her and you that you don't want her to hurt herself but if she chooses to do this, then it's her responsibility. Then leave the house. Go for a walk with the pooches. Go for a coffee. Do anything but make sure she knows you mean business..
Don't buy her flowers to placate her. Tell her to go and get her own meds if she's going to abuse them. Don't do anything that reinforces this abusive behaviour from her.
None of this will be easy, but your partner needs to fix herself and you can help her by making some changes..
Pulisa I can’t see any way out I’m a prisoner of my own life and conscience, I read some of Fishmans thread earlier and it’s sounds uncannily like mine , the doc rang today and her liver function isn’t right given what’s she’s done lately not a surprise but I’ve talked to her and she does except if she takes too many pills again it could be much more serious , she admits it’s a cry for help but what more is available she already has a social worker and psychiatrist, when she’s happier she talks about things she wants to do at the flat and being there in winter so i know she wants to be around .
Sorry you had to go through that Nora , when you said you darnt breathe near someone I thought a fart joke was looming , I’ve never hit her nor would I but I do feel close to breaking every day and I agree we all have that point but will I snap or just break down ? I said I’d never go down that road again , I don’t do antidepressants and seeing a therapist seems pointless right now so where does that leave me ? Maybe a good scream in the van on a country road ?
I hope you lot are doing okay and if not feel free to have a good vent on this thread .
One day I WILL come on here with good news .
Thanks 😊
Yes I agree that both you and Fishman are in similar situations with your partners and their controlling behaviours. You always try to excuse her behaviours on here but are imploding with anger and this will just make your depression worse of course. I think it's ok to be angry at being used as a punchbag (not literally but mentally). She has help and support in the community. She takes psych meds which can't be helping that much? She has regular input from a social worker too. You have no one..which is why you are so angry and in despair because you are worse off than she is and feel that you have no option other than to enable her control over you..because you fear being blamed for the consequences of calling her bluff.
Yep there are some very astute ladies on here Buster, they can see both our trajectories and note their identical parallels. We feel guilty posting our frustrations on here, thinking its disloyal to betray our partners by airing it all in public.
Even our spouse's medical crises are running the same course. Mrs F is showing symptoms that her liver is struggling, she has a letter for an urgent scan. Much like you've probably done, I've been arranging her funeral in my head etc today. We can tell ourselves to walk away but its not that easy is it. I hope your situation resolves mate but like mine, its been running forever it feels.
Neither of you should bash yourself up for being a caring partner. You also both shouldn't take a bashing for their personal issues. It seems the both of you are victims of suffering your partner's woes. xx
We can tell ourselves to walk away but its not that easy is it.
Walking away should be the last resort when all avenues have been exhausted (when the other person involved refuses to change) and to stay would mean that you get carried out in a body bag..
What you and Buster can do is to try and change your own behaviours which are enabling your partners/spouses to manipulate you. Abuse doesn't have to be an intentional thing but you have to be able to recognise it and understand your part in enabling the behaviour - which ultimately hurts you both.
Please don't feel guilty about talking.. (it would be so much worse for you if you kept this all in, believe me..)
I know what you are all saying is true but I also know my partner and right now one wrong word would push her over the edge , she does say and do things to deliberately go hurt me because she is hurting .
You’re basically saying call her bluff or nothing changes but I’ve seen the consequences when my daughter overdosed and when my partner was hospitalised, its not good praying to a god you don’t believe in that someone you love will make it through the night , she did it while I wasn’t there and she’s recently taken too many pills while at the coast and I was at home , how do I take that risk she will kill herself ? Yeah I know blackmail .
I feel lower everyday and work , life , everything is starting to feel pointless , somethings can’t be fixed .
Thank you for all you thoughts and input. X
But if she's this bad then surely you should contact her psychiatrist?
Exactly! Unless she wants to stay in that frame of mind to maybe keep punishing herself and anyone around her. It's unfortunately become a way of life for so long. Maybe too long to change.
She needs in hospital treatment Buster. This is way above your pay grade. I knows she doesn’t want to go but it’s the only place where she will get the concentrated help she needs.
Sorry I keep dumping all my shite on you lot , I’m like an emotional fly tipper , I do appreciate your help but I know you all have a load to deal with yourselves , sometimes I think how good it would be to sit on a bench and actually talk to one of you then go an scream at a tree , one day none of this will matter .
Take care all :hugs:
Aww Buster..I’d sit all day on that bench with you and we could talk til the cows come home.
:bighug1:
The sad thing is I’d probably not say anything was wrong I’d be too ashamed of how I’m feeling , just talk about the weather and plod on , it’s a nice thought though people actually talking about things that are bothering them .
Partner isn’t well today , daughter and grandkids have been really unwell with bad coughs and temperatures, doctor says covid but tests were negative, long and short they came to our house coughing, I wasn’t happy about the visit and kept the doors wide open but what ever they have it seems she’s now got it and I’ll probably follow , wouldn’t want to be left out .
so we’ve had several talks and last year she was going through a rough time with mentalpause and chronic pain and at the same time I wasn’t doing great having lost my mum , i wanted to be close cuddling up etc and she wanted to be left alone but I kept pushing and getting upset that I felt alone , it was pretty selfish of me I should have given her some space and maybe now we’re in our fifties maybe that’s how things are , anyway she’s hurt and angry at me and the world , I’d love to see her happy again and be happy to be in my company but I know the more I push the further away she gets , I know I have to let her get over things in her own time but losing several friends and family recently I’ve become very aware of our mortality and I feel time ticking , we should be enjoying what we have now not waiting until it’s too late , and this goes for people reading this , take yourself out of your miserable comfort zone and try and do something you really want to , what’s the worst that can happen you fail and try again , I’ve taken a lot of chances the last couple of years and they’ve paid off it’s just my family life that is the stumbling block.
Right back to work got idiots to deal with . X
You are right there Buster..time ticks on. I get a shock now and then when I realise I’m getting on in years. When did we become the older generation? Not old..but older. I see dresses and stuff now that I like and think God I could never get away with that now. I was looking at a leather jacket the other day and my youngest informed me I was too old to wear one:weep:
Seize the day and all that.
Off to measure myself up for my zimmer.:roflmao:
So what do YOU really want to do, Buster?
I don't know what I would want to do even if I were free to do it.
When your kids tell you you should do exactly the opposite, it payback for when they were teenagers , my daughters regularly say “ what the hell is wrong with you dad ? “ actually so do one or two neighbours , I recently converted a Raleigh chopper to electric , over 50 , 6’2 and riding the street on a chopper , and videoing myself to send to my daughters , as I get older the only plus side seems to be not giving a shite what people think , I lay on the promenade wall while away on my back looking at the clouds and I know even the dog is embarrassed that people think I’m dead or drunk, got a buyer for my chopper ( calm down Nora ) dropping it off in the Derbyshire dales it should be a nice drive .
I took a chance on these flats and it’s paid off and moving to the coast and working part time there is the dream , also touring the coast in a motorhome is still my big dream , I’d settle for just being happy and making my family happy right now .
I know I have a screw loose that will never tighten back up but you can still have hope to enjoy life , I always say enjoy the little things .
I know that Russell Brand used to obsess about making a Happiness Documentary..but I don't think he's yet to complete it or even get started!:D
I think being contented with life is more realistic for us? How on earth could you ever be responsible for making your family happy? What would that mean to you anyway? You'd probably wonder what was up if everyone was smiling and appearing happy?
My life is utter misery , I have a partner who I don’t think has any feelings for me anymore , one daughter who I worry about because she’s struggling for money because her other half has put them in debt meaning she’s borrowed off us and has no hope of paying us back and the other daughter who works full time borrows money off us because she doesn’t want to break into her savings , I can’t talk to my partner because she says I’m questioning her , this evening she burst into tears and when I ask what I can do to help her , again angry because I’m asking , I’m in tears most days at some point which even I know is not right , I just don’t want to wake up tomorrow
Don't say things like that Buster, it helps no one.
I know you struggle but it's better than the other option.
They also say that about getting older.
I'm sure they'll be some who will disagree with me though.
Do you still have your telephone appointment Buster or did you ditch it.
You desperately need to talk to someone. You spend all the time worrying about your other half to the detriment of yourself. What would you say to me if I were in your situation? What would you tell me to do? Imagine I have your back story…tell me what to do?
Been thinking about you Buster :bighug1:
How are you?
My life is utter misery , I have a partner who I don’t think has any feelings for me anymore , one daughter who I worry about because she’s struggling for money because her other half has put them in debt meaning she’s borrowed off us and has no hope of paying us back and the other daughter who works full time borrows money off us because she doesn’t want to break into her savings , I can’t talk to my partner because she says I’m questioning her , this evening she burst into tears and when I ask what I can do to help her , again angry because I’m asking , I’m in tears most days at some point which even I know is not right , I just don’t want to wake up tomorrowI've had that feeling a few times Buster. When life appears to offer nothing but sorrows and trouble. That said we can't just opt out because it would devastate our loved ones. When I feel downtrodden, I think to myself 'Well Fishman, there's someone out there who's worse off than you'. And I'm sure there is, I've just yet to meet him. But I'm sure I will one day. In the meantime its the same old shit.
Hang in there buddy and here's a blokey hug from me :bighug1:
Thank you for the replies, it feels like everyday from the moment I wake up is an uphill struggle, I suffer badly with nightmares and extremely vivid dreams , some days I wake from a good dream where everything is okay and then I crash into reality and my heart sinks that I’ll have to go through another day of this shite treading on eggshells and dealing with people who think your time means nothing , I’m getting into a habit of bollocking people who don’t turn up when they’re supposed to , I feel so angry inside .
I didn’t ring back for my mental health appointment so I guess it’s now cancelled but at least that makes way for someone else to have it , I don’t think it would have done much good right now , I didn’t ring back for my X-ray or blood tests either .I know people would say why are you in this relationship if it makes you both so unhappy ? Is it because you love her or just don’t want to be alone ? But I feel alone now anyway .
We’re taking the kids to the coast tomorrow it was arranged a while ago , I should be over the moon about it but I’m not , I don’t know how it’s going to be with her now she doesn’t really want anything to do with me , she tells me pretty much everyday that she wants to kill herself because she can’t take feeling the way she does angry at everything and anyone .
I feel so tired out just exhausted by life , maybe I just expect too much from middle age, it doesn’t help that anxiety ended my social life so I basically put all my eggs in one basket with my family , now it’s falling apart I’m only left with working and walking the dog to mix with people and most of them think I’m a miserable bugger .
So to sum up im still bloody here plodding on wether I like it or not and I do appreciate you asking .
Do take care Buster, I was a little flippant with my earlier post. You have such a lot to deal with. It feels like you and your partner are more or less living separate lives now? That I think is at the heart of your sadness. But you can only do so much for people, they have to do the rest themselves. I'm forever trying to get Mrs F to eat better and exercise because I'd like her to be around for a good while yet. I haven't succeeded with either because it has to come from her.
This is where our situations are so similar, we try and 'fix' people. But there's only so much we can do.
Checking in Buster….how are you?
Thanks for your comment Fish and thank you for asking Darksky , hope you two and everyone else is doing okay .
I could list all the crap that’s been going on since my last post but I won’t it’s just depressing so I’ll tell you about a small glimmer of light in a dark life , we did go to the coast and I had some good quality time with my grandkids , spending some time with just my grandson which is good as it’s always been just girls in our house , my dad died in 99 and we have two daughters and a granddaughter, we also spent some time on the beach and we went in the sea , my anxiety focuses a lot on breathing or lack of it and I got control of it for once and had a short swim , believe me it was hard not to panic in cold water on a hot day , we had fun and laughs so I’ll leave the rest .
like Forest Gump “that’s about all I have to say about that “
Thanks x
That's good to hear Buster. But please don't think you shouldn't poor out your woes when you need to. :hugs:
Good to hear you’ve had a bit of fun. Hold on to those small glimmers of happiness Buster.
it’s good to hear from you…keep posting, we really don’t mind whether it’s good or bad news. We’re here to chat either way.:hugs:
Always a price to pay for any glimpse of happiness, today we had our dog put to sleep , people say it’s like losing one of the family , we dog lovers know it is losing one of the family , for sixteen years we’ve fed watered and loved her , never a day went by when she wasn’t fussed , I think Ive been in denial that she was getting worse because Staffies have such a high pain threshold, she even trotted in to the vets wagging her tail but we knew she would only get worse , she collapsed again this morning and wasn’t eating much anymore, we held her on our knees while she passed away and I looked at the drip and wanted so much to go with her and avoid this pain I knew was coming , I cried my heart out in the vets and all the way home , we’ve brought her home and will get her cremated tomorrow, the pain I feel right now feels no different from losing my mum or dad , I’ve shown my younger dog her body so she knows she’s gone aswell , I know we gave an unwanted pup a good life and we did the right thing letting her go rather than go on to suffer so why does it feel so bad ? .
She was a stubborn pain in the arse I’m going to miss her so much .
Oh Buster I am so so sorry. I totally understand what you are going through. They are so much a part of the family. The pain is the same as a human loss,
Staffies are tough cookies and have a high pain threshold, the same as my breed, malamutes. We lost one of ours a year ago this week. She had an aggressive cancer but like your dog, you would never have guessed. Trouble is, the shock is awful. But you know they can’t get better, only worse, so you do what’s best for them.The final act of love.
Cry as much as you want and need Buster, it just shows you loved her with all your heart.
You have my deepest sympathies although words mean little, I do know the pain you feel, my friend.
Lots of love and hugs:hugs:
D
Buster, sod the blokey hug, I'm going to give you a proper one. :hugs: Bloody hell mate, life really has given you a kicking.
The pain of losing a pet is one of the worst. People who don't have pets don't understand, but they steal our hearts as much as any person. Know this though Buster, as painful as this is now, every second you loved her, and will for evermore, was worth it.
You gave her a happy home, what more can a dog ask for? When we love, we expose ourselves to the hurt. I'm looking at our black lab as I type. She's knocking on now, and is all for me, a one person dog which is going to make it all the worse.
And please keep posting here, we are all listening mate.
Oh Buster, I'm so very sorry to hear this. Pets are so much part of the family. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Sending you my thoughts Buster. :hugs:
There are no words that will give you comfort right now.
I feel for you and you know time will make the pain a little easier. x
Truly sorry to hear about this :( Sending thoughts of peace and healing.
FMP
Very sad news..So very sorry, Buster.
Thank you for your kind words , today I woke on the sofa we all slept downstairs with the old girl in her bed , just for that split second when I woke all seemed normal then I remembered the day before , I took our younger dog out and the first couple I saw knew before said it that she’d gone , she was such a character she’d walk off with other people and I’d pick her up on my way back I’d joke she had no loyalty except to dog treats ,she once walked a whole walk with a couple who’d she’d never seen before , when they finally caught up with me and my other dog I asked them if their dog was okay with other dogs , the look of panic as they said they thought she was mine , I laughed and said no but I’m hers .
The walk back was very tough I realised I had two leads round my neck and by the walk back everyone knew and were coming up giving hugs and condolences, we dog walkers are a breed of our own .
Off to the pet crematorium, they dealt with our last dog six years ago ( where does the time go ) they lay out your dog in a Chaple to say goodbye and they don’t rush you and are dog lovers themselves so nothing is too much trouble , she looked peaceful and in my head I kept thinking is she just asleep ,I was in tears but my partner was in pieces, she spent so much time with her while I’m out working and it does worry my how she will cope , she feels guilty for letting her go but we both agreed with the vet that she was only getting worse , she didn’t eat much to the last three days .
Right now I feel that after this dog who is now six there will be no more but we’ve given great lives to three rescue dogs that were unwanted and unloved , in time I’ll probably hangs my mind , in my darkest days I truly believe these dogs saved me .
Im tearing up again writing this so I’ll try and end with a recent funny side to the old girl , I might have already mentioned it my memory is like a wotsit , a couple of months ago a chap I see quite regularly with a young but huge Malamute came towards me his dog dragging him , I pulled my young Staffie to one side to let him passed , not giving a thought to my nearly sixteen year old who was the runt of the litter so tiny , pretty much half a staff , as the Malamute passed all teeth and barking she lunged at it , I grabbed her and apologised , when I got to the van she always had a dog treat , she looked at me with white dog fur sticking out of her mouth and swear she was smiling , she would have fit in that dogs mouth , old dogs are like old humans they just don’t care .
Yesterday I had a dog tomorrow I’ll have a box of ashes but she’s always going to be in my head until I join her .
Again thank you for your time and comments it does mean a lot x
Buster, there's so much I could say here. So much that anyone who has looked after a loved pet could say. Grief is a strange thing, comforting memories and pain all at once. But we are listening and understanding, and knowing that in your sorrow you will likely want to speak of your loss but also of all the happy times too. Use us as your sounding board.
Thinking of you buddy.
Fair play to your girl for having a pop at a malamute Buster. I’ve seen bigger dogs quiver at the very thought :D
Lovely Buster, I’m so sorry about your lovely old girl. You have written so beautifully about her in your last couple of posts. It sounds like you have done the very best by her right up until the end. Your dog community sound wonderful too.
Sending hugs x
Sorry to hear about the loss of your pooch, Buster. (It's never easy, no matter how many times we go through this, eh?)
Sending massive hugs to you mate.
Checking in Buster…..how are you?:hugs:
Hi all , not great Darksky but thanks for asking , I was hoping to come back here when the clouds had parted but turned out there was just another cloud behind them , feel like a ticking time bomb waiting for something to give , I’ve got to a point where I don’t want anything good to happen because I’ll have to suffer the consequences when the bad follows , I lost my dog and a good friend , partner hasn’t taken it well so we’ve spent a lot of time at the coast with me popping back for work , work wise I could be earning really good money but my heart isn’t in it , I came back last week alone and got ill, probably covid but no one seems to care these days , any way me and the pooch were starving so I had to go to the coop , no where to tie the dog up so I took her in , I’ve done it before with no problem , so first a shop assistant says you can’t bring her in , then the manager and three more staff rush over to say the same , I point out there is nothing outside to tie her to and all I want is to pay for my bread and dog food and go , to which the manager gets agressive and says you’re not listening that dog can’t be in the shop , at this point I lose my shit and go at him throw the said bread and dog food at him saying keep your shit and walk out , he jumped out of his skin which I’m not proud of but I’m sick of people and my dog means more to me than him .
My daughter has been pestering me for a deposit for a house but I was reluctant because she stoped paying me back the last loan earlier this year without warning , eventually I sent her some money over to shut her up and since then I have had a single message just completely ghosted me ( used ) .
Friday my granddaughter stayed over , we played cards and wound each other up as usual , for a few hours I’d forgotten about everything else , then my phone pinged , a message from another mates wife to say he’d passed away , I knew it was coming because we’d let him stay at our flat in July with his family for the last time , we spent some time with him and all of his family came to see him , he hadn’t been to the coast in years , it hits hard as you get older that we’re all mortal , there are days I feel so crap I think I don’t want to live , but the truth is I just want a simple happy life which must mean I have hope .
what can I say that is good since my last depressing visit , I’ve had a lot of fun when my other daughter and grandkids came to see us at the coast and I found a rare model car fly tipped in a lay-by which I got £500 for at auction , in a former life I was a Womble .
Remember you’re a Womble , embrace you’re inner Womble :yesyes:
Sorry forgot to ask how is everyone else doing ? And be brutally honest .
That was a good find Buster…a rare car, bet you were buzzing. What sort was it?
My son has a Peugeot 206 gti which he bought cheap. He’s doing the damn thing up….slowly:lac:Sick of it stuck in the garage.
At some point you would like to think that life would stop giving you grief. I do believe it will, so hang on in there. Kids and loans…I know it well. My youngest son owes me money too. I doubt I will see it. A deposit on a house is a lot of cash Buster. I know we are soft with our kids but I never lend them anything I can’t afford to lose.
Not doing too good atm Buster. Our cat got knocked down and killed on Friday. It’s been a hard weekend :weep:
So sorry to hear about your cat Darksky, we had a few cats before the dogs , living in a town centre a couple of ours went the same way , when you see cats sitting in the road playing chicken it’s not surprising, my dog met our new neighbours cat the other day , I let it out the front door and it was face to face with the cat , neither of them seemed to know what to do so they did nothing , all good .
The car I found was a large die cast model not a real car , I see value in things that others will drive by , I’m one heart break away from being a hoarder , if I lived alone permanently I think I would just fill the house with projects that would never get done , that said I know the difference between something that can be useful and a pile of newspapers and a fridge full of bottles of wee .
I have a new dilemma I didn’t mention but I’ll save that for another day when I’ve over pondered on it .
They were obviously not animal people Buster. They could have taken the items from you and checked them out while you waited outside but you clearly got a 'not welcome'. Hope you managed to find an alternative.
I think it's automatic to think 'covid' if you feel groggy. No one seems to have a common cold these days.
Well done on the model car find. That must have been rare at £500. You certainly have an eye for this sort of thing and a little luck thrown your way. :yesyes:
Good to hear from you Buster but sorry for your run-in with the Co-op employees. I suppose if it had gone to court it would have been 'Staff vs Staff' :D Sorry mate, couldn't resist.
Seriously though, sometimes we just have to break the rules. And sorry you're having a hard time. That would appear to be life's default setting. My Dad is in hossy, he had seemed better these last two days but was confused again today. Anyway you take care mate and keep embracing your Womble. Does anyone remember watching that on weekday teatimes just before the news? Innocent times.
Thank you for your replies carnation & fishman , it’s not easy when your parents get old and you become very aware that they won’t be around for ever , you’re doing a great job being there for him Fish as did carnation.
Been to the Docs today because Ive been having chest and back pain for a while which seems to be getting worse , everything came back okay including the chest X-ray I had in June and never went back about , but now they are sending me for a heart check up at the hospital to check if I have angina , I’ve already got a prescription for the under tongue spray , so go in to clear up one problem and come out with another now I’ll worry constantly until I know , I’ve lost two friends recently and a couple of weeks ago my nosey cousin started digging about my past and it turned out she’d looked up my dads other kids that he kept secret until he died and she’s told me my half brother I never met has also died .
If I don’t have angina I need to sort out my head and if I do I need to sort out my life style .
Again thanks for letting me moan x
Crikey Buster, just when you think life can't get any worse. Those symptoms, don't forget anxiety can manifest in so many different ways. I was utterly convinced in 2018 that I had heart disease, two separate ECGs, resting and stress, were negative.
Life can often feel like one continuous negative loop. We have to try and break that loop by looking after ourselves and those closest to us. Sod the rest. I wish you all the best mate.
Cheers Fish , I know only too well that anxiety can mimic all sorts of illnesses, it’s the bloody waiting and not knowing that crushes me .
A mate came round today and told me his wife has terminal cancer so my problems are not so bad compared, getting old is shite it’s all bloody doom and gloom .
Made a lot of money this week so I’m off down the coast tomorrow, no point running myself into the ground , you can’t take it with you .
cheers bud
I know you worry about your health Buster, but reading your posts you sound pretty fit to me. Things are bound to crop up from time to time and you'll take them in your stride. It doesn't necessarily mean anything serious. Do what you do best and just get on with what you are doing to make the bucks, then treat yourself and the missus while you enjoy the benefits of being by the coast. Throw your worries in the sea and the waves will take them far away.
I think it was Billy Connolly that said getting old is only for the brave. He’s so right.
waiting is the worst part…you’re filled with anticipatory anxiety which I think is the worst kind. We always think we aren’t coping but yet when you actually think about it…we are. We may not be having the time of our lives but we are coping. Small victories grow into bigger ones as we claw back. Stay positive Buster :hugs:
Sorry I’ve been absent replying. A week burying my head.:weep:
Been feeling very low lately with just the odd burst of happiness, but when I do feel on a high I instantly worry something awful will happen .
My daughter still hasn’t spoken to me since I put money in her account over two months ago , it hurts that she messaged me every day when she wanted money and once it went into her account she not replied to any of my messages, I feel used , she’s also cut herself off from my partner and daughter , I say partner but I’m not sure if that’s the case or not anymore, it’s become completely one sided , if we are together its me that goes to hold hands or hugs her , she very rarely does the same , I keep trying to make sense of how things are reading up on the menopause, could it be the drop in oxitocin that’s made her this way ? Or is it that she doesn’t want me near her full stop ? I’ve become very paranoid that maybe she’s found someone else but I’ve been down this rabbit hole before , we’re supposed to be going to the coast today but I’m dreading it because I know I’ll feel alone and more isolated there especially now the site has closed , I haven’t made any friends there so unlike at home where I talk to dog walkers and deal with people through my work , there I don’t really have conversations with people .
The dark thoughts keep trying to get a hold and I try my hardest to shut them down but people call me miserable so know the clown mask doesn’t cover up my true state of mind .
Its 2.45 in the morning and Tuesdays are busy day for me , I can’t sleep for worry , my van has been back and forth to the garage for over a week because they can’t do their bloody job and fix it , I paid £300 last week and had to take it back twice , I’ve now had to buy a car which is another expense because I need transport .
my arthritis is spreading like wild fire through my body I now have shoulder and hip pain which isn’t helped by heavy lifting every day , I’m in constant pain but won’t take strong painkillers because they scare me , I never did go to the hospital for the angina check , they didn’t send me an appointment and when I rang they said the consultant couldn’t fit me in so they’d contact me but never did , does this mean he read my notes and thought I don’t need seeing ? Who knows ? Like everything in my life I’m just left guessing and fearing the worst .
Life feels pretty shite but I’m still here so there is hope .
Hope you lot are doing okay x
Hi Buster,
Yes, you've been down this rabbit hole before. Remember that. It's nothing new. You just need to make the best of what you might see as a bad situation. Torturing yourself with these thoughts helps no-one especially you!
As for your daughter, you know what to do next time and there will be a next time. I suppose a part of you thought it might bring the relationship closer. Now you know, it doesn't. The only person that can do that is your daughter and whatever zone she is in now is not the zone you might have been hoping for. Things can change though. In the meantime get on with your own life.
I'm pleased you still get away to the coast. It can be a lonely place in the winter but I quite like that. See it as more of a peace haven and not a club of wanderers. Tell yourself how lucky you are to be there. You are Buster. If one thing you are is lucky! There. You have a positive.
As for your partner.... do I need to repeat myself, lol.
Let her do her thing. You get on with being you. Apart from that she's still with you. :winks:
Yes, you’re revisiting well dug rabbit holes. Leave them alone or fill them in.
I agree, when your daughter asks for more money again and you know she will. You know what to say. Begging for cash and then blanking you when she gets it is not on. No wonder you feel used.
I can’t take strong pain killers either Buster. They make me feel spacey which is no good for anxiety. Keep on battling, it’s all we can do really. Get up, square our shoulders and get the day done.
I’m glad you posted…you won’t have to put up with my check in this time round. We all think of you Buster so keep on keeping on.:hugs:
Pamplemousse
09-11-22, 21:13
Just read your latest post, Buster.
It's trivial in the scheme of things but I am thinking of you and wish you good fortune; if anyone deserves it it's you.
Thank you for the replies, sometimes I need someone like you guys on speed dial to put the brakes on my speeding mind , I know what you’ve said makes perfect sense but I mind will come up with 50 worst case scenario’s for every good one .
I am lucky to have this place at the coast , or more hard work and taking a chance has brought it to us , every morning I see the sun rise over the promenade while I have my breakfast , I see all of the seasons through that window sometimes all in one day , I get to walk my dog down the beach morning noon and night , it feels a safe place to be , it’s pitch black outside now but the whole promenade is lit up so I can go for a walk at night and see the moon lit sea , even the odd drunk you bump into seem more pleasant here , the other night two chaps came out of beach shelter with carrier bags of booze , I said aup and he said “ going out in your pyjamas mate nice one don’t blame ya “ then had a chat about his snot clearing up here because his home town of Birmingham was so polluted , at home the drunks tend to argue and want to stab you , it is quite bitter sweet coming out of season , sad that most places are closed and the beach huts are boarded up for winter but less people and getting wrapped up to go out can be quite nice .
Just down the coast there is a seal colony where thousands of seals come to have the pups , we went last night with a torch , it was quite moving hearing and seeing all the seals and pups by moonlight .
I have a lot to be thankful for but sometimes I struggle to see it , my friends wife has been diagnosed with cancer and might not see Christmas so taken into perspective I should think I have it good but your problems are yours and other peoples bigger problems don’t shrink yours .
Again thanks and hope you are doing okay , I wish you all well , soon be Christmas x
Hi Buster. I'm glad to hear you're finding some kind of peace where you are. The coast offers a different perspective I find. That smell of salt and the sound of water and the wind.
I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's wife. We're getting older aren't we. A woman who myself and Mrs F used to see on occasion around 2016/17, we heard she had died. Only 51 I think. Her and Mrs F used to message on FB, that's how they got talking. However, the other side of the coin is my Dad still going at 93. All we can do is try to look after ourselves. The rest is pot luck I think.
Seals are wonderful aren't they. I always find they almost look human when they are swimming offshore and watch us from a distance. Look after yourself mate and keep checking in.
So here is Christmas ,, I really can’t say a great deal about this last year that has been in any way good , I know my usual grinchy self , the dream of one day living by the coast has sunk , literally, what was once a loving and fun relationship is now pretty cold , since starting the menopause my partner doesn’t want me near her the vast majority of the time and won’t come near me for months at a time , she looks after me and does kind things but I feel no love , I realised a while back when I say love you she just says I know and I looked back at our messages to each other , when I’ve sent a nice message ending with love you she doesn’t reply .
My grandkids don’t come round much now and my granddaughter who I was so close to hasn’t been round since November, I know this because everyday I look at the unopened advent calendar , neither of my daughters are coming for Christmas this year but at least I know where I stand no expectations.
Im angry with everyone I talk to and have got into several arguments with strangers over small things .
Friday when I’d almost finished buying up work for the year my business contact sprang a massive load on me which I can’t possibly cope with on my own so it’s either buy it all and feel overwhelmed or just pack up , then driving home I got a call from the office at the coast saying we had a burst pipe at the flat , I drove down and both flats had burst pipes in the attics which had been running for several days bringing down the ceilings and generally destroying all the hard work I’d done restoring them over the last 18 months , I seriously felt like walking into the sea .
I’ve done my usual putting a bauble on a tree to spread some Christmas spirit , the first time someone stole it , the second time I put three higher up so they can’t be reached , people have commented on it being a nice gesture but none added to them so I’ve warned them put up a bauble or I’ll take a bow saw to the tree , I am joking .
So another year over and what have I done ? Well it seems run myself into the ground working and doing up these flats for nothing .
I can hear my neighbours alarm clock going and my other neighbours dog barking so I guess it’s time to get up for another thrilling day , can’t wait .
If you’ve made it this far in my pity party , Happy Christmas you deserve a prize .
See yo’all next year x
Buster, I really am sorry to hear about all this. It seems clear that life has very much changed for you and not in a good way. I’m not sure what to say regarding your partner. The relationship would seem to be pretty much dead as far as she is concerned, it’s all one way. Would it be better to just call time on it? Either that or sit down with her and have everything out in the open.
I understand that empty nest syndrome. Our youngest still lives here but is increasingly at her BF’s, she has already told me she will likely move right away if and when she has the financial clout to do so. On account of her difficult relationship with her mother. Following the action of her two elder siblings. So I understand that vacuous feeling. I will write some more later buddy but hang in there. A blokey hug from me.
I’m glad you’ve checked in Buster. You are going through the mill atm. I tend to agree with Fishman regarding your other half. Is it truly dead in the water? Maybe it is time to call it quits. To give yourself a chance at happiness with someone. Never say never with regards to that. There are a lot of lonely souls out there. If you do indeed love her too much to contemplate this you must talk to her, bite the bullet and get her to be honest about her feelings. This treading water is doing neither of you any good.
Empty nest is horrible. My youngest lives with his girlfriend and my eldest fell out with his, moved back in, found another who he is buying a house with up the hill from us. He’s been here a year and I shall miss him when he goes. We get on very well. Still, they both are here a lot, raiding the fridge, borrowing stuff. Usual kids stuff that they never grow out of no matter how old.
it’s been a horrible year for you and I sincerely hope the next one will bring an upturn in your fortunes. If it’s any help, I too feel like ragging down the Christmas tree and burning it. But that’s a whole different story.
Huge hugs and look after yourself. xxxxx
Oh Buster! Seriously if I had magic wand I'd be paying a paying a visit your way to sprinkle some joy.
I'm not surprised by anything you've written and I just know you'll pick up the pieces where you can once you've dusted yourself down. As for your partner, well I'm sure you know by now that front isn't going to change and you have two choices at the end of day. And I'm sure there's many a couple in the same situation as you.
Christmas brings out emotional feelings and a good look back at the year with trepidation for the coming new year.
You made it this far and I'm sure you'll be posting in years to come about the baubles on the tree.
And remember nothing will change unless you change it.
I'm sure amongst all this they'll be Christmassy moments come your way whether you participate or not.
And instead of wishing you a Merry Christmas, I wish you good fortune for your soul. With bells on. :hugs:
Buster, I can truly relate to what you're going through right now, as I'm also feeling a bit down and depressed myself.
This year (2022) has been a bit of an 'annus horribulus' for me too, especially with my mom going to live in a care home at the end of June and all the chaos me and my dad had to endure during the run-up to it during the first half of the year.
2020 and 2021 were also horrible years (for blindingly obvious reasons) but I'm still hopeful that things in general might start to improve for us in 2023 and beyond, even though both me and my dad are highly expecting it to be my mom's final year alive (morbid I know, but realistic).
Buster, you've done this before, thinking there's someone else in play. If your partner was having a thing going with someone else it wouldn't be an early walk once a week.
Guys can call someone Love without there being the romantic suggestion you are thinking. It's also used woman to woman. It's just a more endearing way of a greeting. So don't overthink things. :winks:
And I'd use the situation with the flats as breaks for yourself and maybe a buddy to get away for some 'me time'. I know it's a big job but I also know you can do it and at a steady pace with time for those walks by the sea.
I’m so sorry for keep dumping my junk on here it’s not fair on you lot , you have your own problems to deal with, my head is all over the place I’m neither use nor ornament right now , the flat situation took a turn for the worse today regarding insurance but I won’t bore you with it .
Thank you all for your advice and kind words over the last year , im going to give you all a well earned break from me but I do wish you all a Happy Christmas and new year x
Buster, don’t be sorry mate, not at all. That’s what this forum is for and it’s an outlet for many of us. Even if it’s just to type it out and offload, at least someone is listening. And we are.
I do think Christmas is playing a part in this. Not in your problems specifically but how you feel about them. It brings everything into sharp focus and acts like a stock take of our lives. An end of season report. This is why I loathe Christmas with a passion. It’s not a coincidence that the very worst times of my life have occurred at this time of year.
So keep posting buddy and don’t delete your posts, they have every right to be there. Take care mate
Another lonely disappointing Christmas out of the way , time to pick my lip up off the floor and plod on , it’s not how many time you get knocked down it’s how many times you get back up , New Year’s resolution keep getting back up and sticking two fingers up to life :yesyes:
Happy and Healthy New Year Buster :hugs:
Get the music going in the van and keep moving forward. In life I mean, not the van.
Happy New Year Buster!! I'm glad you survived the jollity. Keep bouncing back, its all we can do buddy. Keep posting too.
I do hope your mood lifts soon Buster. Do your usual and look for the small positives in life. In a few weeks we will be seeing snowdrops. Then crocus and you can post pictures of random daffodils sprouting up in odd places. All we can do is keep on keeping on. It’s all any of us do really. I doubt any of us are deliriously happy and if any one said they were, I wouldn’t believe them. We just keep on and you will do the same.
Take care xx
Thanks all , got an appointment at the hospital first thing tomorrow in cardiology, not even sure what’s going to be done but I’ve been trying not to overthink it , if I can get that out the way and hopefully no bad results , then try and sort out the flats , then sort out work I may get a sit down by spring when the daffs turn up .
We live in bloody hope ��
How are you all doing ?
Hope everything went ok for you today Buster. x
How did it go Buster? Did they tell you anything?
Thanks for asking , it didn’t go great , they think I have angina , plaque in my arteries, so I’m now on statins plus meds to reduce cholesterol, aspirin, I’ve got to go back soon for more extensive tests , she did say she wasn’t massively concerned I was at the lower end of the scale but when you suffer with anxiety it felt like the walls closed in and I’d been given a death sentence.
Im over weight not massively 6’1 , 16.5st , stressed everyday and I do eat crap because I’m constantly tired from not sleeping well , I know what this adds up to so I need to change my whole lifestyle but I’ve already been trying that for years with no success, I don’t even know where to start .
I bought 54 e-bikes this week and they all need moving , the owner of the caravan site is only replying to me so now all the residents are calling me for information on what’s happening with the flats even the office rang me because I knew more than them so no taking it easy , our cupboards are always full of cake or chocolate and I no will power and I would worry if there was nothing to worry about .
I need a break , everything to stop for a while , stop the bloody rollercoaster I want to get off , Please :weep:
Buster, doctors are willing to put many people on cholesterol meds these days. And tbh if your are on the cusp that can be rectified with diet.
And let's face it, you wouldn't be fit enough to do all the running around you do if you wasn't fit.
Don't see this as doom and gloom Buster. x
You’ve said yourself, the doctor is not concerned and you are the low end of the scale.
Don't let health anxiety tell you otherwise.
Mrs.C is right, you run around like the devil is chasing you so you can’t be that unfit. Try not buying the cake and chocolate in the first place. If it’s not in the house you can’t eat it. That’s what works for me. Marshall that will power and march past the Cadbury aisle.
I take an aspirin daily Buster. Its more for prevention than a cure. x
I’m just so tired a of it all , the slightest glimmer of joy is always taken away , stress worry upset , that’s my life now , things have gone to shite at home this evening, I can’t see anyway of changing my life for the better I just don’t know how .
Buster, that's not too bad a report. I was put on statins about 8 years ago being about 21st and 6ft 3. I'm now just under 17st and did get down to 15 during the pandemic. But normal life returned with all its temptations. I wouldn't have the cakes, biscuits etc in the house but Mrs F does. As Darksky said, if its not in the house you can't eat it.
Take care buddy, you're a good bloke.
How are you doing Buster? Thinking of you..:hugs:
Thanks for asking , it didn’t go great , they think I have angina , plaque in my arteries, so I’m now on statins plus meds to reduce cholesterol, aspirin, I’ve got to go back soon for more extensive tests , she did say she wasn’t massively concerned I was at the lower end of the scale but when you suffer with anxiety it felt like the walls closed in and I’d been given a death sentence.
B, my brother's had angina for years. He takes his meds, looks after himself, and he's enjoying life...
Im over weight not massively 6’1 , 16.5st , stressed everyday and I do eat crap because I’m constantly tired from not sleeping well , I know what this adds up to so I need to change my whole lifestyle but I’ve already been trying that for years with no success, I don’t even know where to start .
Start by not buying crap in. (If it's not there, and all that...)
I need a break , everything to stop for a while , stop the bloody rollercoaster I want to get off , Please :weep:
Try re-framing the situation...
Angina isn't the end of the world. More importantly, if it gives you the motivation to improve your lifestyle (as it did my brother) then there is a silver lining in this cloud..
Sorry for my absence, still shakin that bush , hope you’re all doing okay :bighug1:be back when I have something positive to say not doom and gloom , cheers ma dears .
Glad you’ve touched base Buster.
Look forward to you posting again.:D We really don’t mind the gloomy stuff but whatever makes you feel better.
Glad you're still with us Buster, you're a decent chap so a 'blokey hug' from me.
Just checking in because I’m struggling to keep my head above water , my dream flats at the coast that I spent a year of my life renovating are just empty shells , the insurance sent in contractors who wrecked them to make more work for themselves, they’ve now been kicked off site so nothing has been done and won’t be until winter when the site closes , my younger daughter has stopped talking to us again for no reason causing friction, yesterday had an appointment for an echocardiogram at hospital, now you guys are the only ones will understand why this was a nightmare, I was already stressing over going and possibly getting bad news , I drove to the hospital with 40 mins to spare , then drove round in circles for 30 mins because there were no spaces , while being sent round and round I was trying to call the cardiac centre to say I’d be late but no answer , finally parked after argument with parking attendant who kept telling me to keep moving
, 15 minute walk across the hospital to find my letter had the wrong place on it and another 10 minute walk to the right place only to be told you’re too late , after explaining why I was late not my fault they agreed to still see me , 30 mins waiting and being told 5 more mins every 15 mins, they casually say were not seeing you today come back next month , at this point I completely lost my shit , I may have dropped an f bomb or two , for a right minded person this would be testing but throw in anxiety and it was off the scale , it took a lot of calming down and a diazepam.
I feel I’m working myself into an early grave and it seems there is no way of avoiding it , I just don’t enjoy anything in life anymore , the odd nice sunset and a laugh with my grandkids when they visit but it’s not enough , I’m not a quitter but bloody hell when does it get better ?
so that’s about the size of it , I’m thinking I’ll take my chances and not bother with the stress of Doctors and hospitals.
Cheers ma dears x
Nice to hear from you Buster…
I’m not surprised you lost your shit..I think would have done too. Hospital parking is ridiculous I know. Ours is too. People get desperate and park on the grass, in the staff parking and even in the private parking where there are flats in which some nurses live. It’s a nightmare.
The car park just isn’t big enough and now I see they are making a brand new fancy entrance which has removed quite a few parking spaces!
My other half had similar regarding the test too. He waited all morning for his appointment only to be told they hadnt got time for him and to go home and await another appointment. Really at times the NHS is a joke.
I know you would have been stressing big time about the appointment. I imagine you would have been like a wire ready to snap before all the hospital rubbish even kicked off.
Try your best to go to the next one though. I doubt you will get bad news. The amount of stress and anx in your life…well if you had a dodgy ticker you would have known long ago.
I hope you get your quiet life soon Buster, I know it seems never ending but life is not a straight line, it goes up and down…you will get that up…just hang in there. Keep on posting now and then…whenever you want. We do think of you on here. :hugs:
Good to hear from you Buster. You often thought of.
I'm going through some shite too. And it gets harder and harder to brush it aside and find that spring in your step.
Whoever is the puppeteer, they need to shine the light occasionally.
Your hospital saga doesn't surprise me one little bit, although it does seem very personal at the time.
I'm the wrong person if you want encouragement to go and see any white-coat medical person. I have no faith anymore in that department and everything that goes with it. You have to do what is right for you and I'm sure if you feel the need to act, you will do.
The flats are unfortunate and must be upsetting for you but they are still there. For whatever reason it was obviously in the cards that incident happened. You can't change that, and no doubt you will be doing something to them in the winter.
Keep plodding buster. One thing you have is determination and perseverance. And sometimes your humour pops through. Make the best of a bad situation.
Carn x
Hey Buster. I'm sorry to hear you're still going through the grinder mate. Life doesn't get any easier does it. Domestic strife will only add fuel to the fire, which is very likely a fire that's blazing pretty well as it is. And that particular kind of strife is difficult to avoid, it usually ends up with a reverse kind of agoraphobia. You get afraid to come home.
Is there any specific reason your daughter is not talking to you? I feel for you mate. I could say 'hang in there' but such platitudes have long been worn out. Stay safe Buster.
Hi, all thanks for the replies, it’s hard keeping all this shite in ( better out than in eh ) I’m in the post stress state now , got so worked up I’m now worn out and my chest and back are painful from being so tight ( brain would like me to believe Heart attack coming , if it did I could tell them told you so , or not , got another appointment at a different hospital in the post today , it may have been the odd F bomb I dropped when they said I wasn’t being seen .
Went to the coast yesterday to try and negotiate a deal on another fiat that didn’t flood on a temporary basis until we get ours back , fingers crossed on that one , the initial shock of seeing all my hard work in tatters has now gone , I just see it as it is what it is and how can I push things forward .
Sorry to hear you are going through it as well Carnation and I doubt anyone on here’s life is a bed of roses .
Ill pop back on later got buyers coming all weekend so not going to get much time and grandkids tonight .
Dont let the B’stards grind you down , is that a platitude?
Cheers x
You sound a bit more positive Buster:) Enjoy your grandkids tonight and no, it’s not a platitude. It’s more a mantra. Whichever it is, it’s true enough. Talk soon.
Hi all , Mantra you say ? Well I’ll file that one under words I don’t know , use , or are likely to need , there just isn’t room in my brain .
Well yesterday was my heart echo , I haven’t been too good lately not sleeping is wearing me out , I took a different approach to this visit after the last disaster ( did I say I got a fine for driving in a bus lane when they sent me out and back in the gate when the car park was full ) icing on that cake , so this time and you’ll know by now my days are rarely uneventful, got the tram early into the city hospital, got there in good time , found the ward okay , echo went okay , asked if it was a boy or girl when she did my aorta , feeling good about at all going okay I decided I’d paid for an all day ticket I’d carry on into the Nottingham city centre and have a look around , about a mile and half from my destination we pulled into a stop quite quickly, it’s a stop where my dad had his shop in the 90s , I always look out of the window because they flattened it for the tram route , then from nowhere bang a young woman was hit by the tram , her drink splashed up the window and I watched her go down partly under the tram face down on the platform, I said out loud “ **** she got hit “ to other passengers, the tram carried on and dragged her along , when it finally pulled up there a lot of shouting and screaming, they eventually opened the doors and I stepped out , she was being held by a couple of people but her legs were to put it mildly in a very bad state , the air ambulance came within about ten mins , I knew I wasn’t going anywhere soon so I walked the rest of the way , I had to get a bus back because the line was closed all day , I couldn’t get the images of what happened out of my head on the way home , that poor young woman’s life has changed for good because of one moment and miss judgment, I’m home safe but she will be in hospital for a long time .
Id like to say it puts things in perspective but it doesn’t, today my problems are still my problems and don’t seem any smaller as selfish as that sounds but it does show some poor bugger is always having a worse day than you .
Hope you guys are doing okay x
How awful for both you and the woman! It must have been a terrible shock to see it.
Honestly Buster, you really couldn’t write the things that happen in your life.
It does put things into perspective, you are so right. In one tiny moment life can change.
I hope you are getting the shock out of your system. It must have been awful but as you say, a great deal worse for the poor woman.
Feeling so run down by life in general, I keep wondering why I’m working so hard when there doesn’t seem to be any benefits , I’m in no better position than five years ago other than financially, I feel I need to make a big change to my life before it’s too late but I don’t know how .
I do still keep thinking about that poor woman , she looked young so probably a student , more than likely had earbuds in and didn’t hear the tram , all the people around me had their heads buried in their phones so where oblivious , it’s like dawn of the dead on trams and in the city no one talking just typing frantically about shite .
Let’s see how today goes , I may just sit in a cardboard box and avoid life today .
Have a good weekend all .
Same to you Buster. We’ll all do the best we can. It’s all we can do really isn’t it? At least the weather is playing ball, which for a bank holiday is a minor miracle.
Had the grandkids round last night until this afternoon , they give me such a lift for very different reasons , I’ve always been close to my granddaughter so she’s a lot like me sarcastic and straight talking , we bring out the best and worst in each other , my grandson I love for a very different reason , I’ve been in the company of girls / women for soo long it’s good to have a lad about , my dad was gone in my twenties, two daughters , mum , partner , I have been outnumbered, having a grandson who loves anything with wheels is great , we mess about with bikes , e-bikes and guns , he has an interest in things I find interesting , I watch him in awe at what he does at 8 years old , riding motocross and bmx , he loves the praise when he’s doing well .
when they go I feel low again and lonely , I keep getting invites from old mates to pop round theirs but I usually make up an excuse, when will I start living ? , there is so much I want to do but I put it off , don’t get me wrong im not sat at home year on year but I feel there is more to life and so many of us put it off until it’s too late , I’ve seen this week again how life can change in an instant , I don’t want to get to the end of my life and have regrets on what I should have done .
Right got to go , I have a nearly 53 year old bladder that can’t cope with the two beers I’ve had ,laterz x
Buster, I'm sorry I missed these posts. That truly is an awful thing to happen, that poor woman and yes in a split second a person's life can be drastically altered.
Regarding yourself, all we can do is just keep going mate. Are there any hobbies you could take up? Have you tried fishing? I used to go a lot in my younger years, but Mrs F and her epilepsy make being away from the house for long stretches problematic. Join a gym? Cross country walking? Gardening?
Yes I know what you mean about an aging bladder, mine's almost 58 and goes from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.
Hi Fish , went back on the tram yesterday and kept thinking about what happened but life goes on , I am a bit of a people watcher ( not through windows at night ) I like to watch the weird and wonderful go by , just sitting in a city centre wondering what their lives are like .
I’ve been getting into shooting since by chance ending up buying a huge collection of air guns , I’ve sold most but kept a few back , been to a couple of mates places this week that have land and also shoot , just target shooting but I do find it calming after a days work , it takes concentration so it’s a good distraction , can’t see myself joining a club I’d find that too much pressure but it’s there as a possible hobby / interest .
Came to a deal on another flat at the coast yesterday , it’s a temporary arrangement until the other two are done next year , its been pretty costly but you can’t take it with you , I’m desperately hoping it’s not a mistake because we haven’t been getting on , not so much arguing just both unhappy and not very close , from talking to people on my dog walk it seems a lot of couples in their 50s seem to be this way , life changes and you have to adapt.
Catch you all later
It's not a mistake Buster, it's a good idea. I know how you enjoy the coast.
Yep, couples in their 50s run out passion :blush:
Hi all , last week was spent stripping and painting down the coast , 5 days graft and it’s done , I seem to enjoy work more than play these days but my body is in so much pain it’s getting hard , carpets went down yesterday and hopefully back this weekend to fetch the furniture from storage at the pub and hopefully back in , it’s not the fiat we wanted but will be nice until ours are done over winter , work at home is dictating when we can go which my partner sees as me dictating when and how long we go for but I really do want to be there for a start it’s a lot cooler on the east coast , last week was actually too cold .
Horrible news of the three murders up the road from me in Nottingham city , I go up that road regularly and was sat in the square watching the world go by a couple of weeks ago , so sad and scary but I’ll still go there , they’re saying it was a migrant who did it and there are 800 living in three hotels on my doorstep so probably safer in the city centre , can’t tar them all with the same brush but 800 young men living together is a ticking time bomb .
Did a horrible boo-boo yesterday that I’m hiding from partner , she bought a mirror and wrapped it in a towel in my van , yep I trod on it and broke it , she’s very superstitious so I’ve put the bits in a box hoping she forgets all about it , a couple of hours after breaking it I found a really expensive vintage guitar in a skip so could the mirror break be breaking my bad luck past ? No doubt one of you will tell me what I should do with the body I have hidden in the box , how to get rid .
Anyway better get up and out before it’s too hot .
Hope you are all okay x
Well I have to say, this is a welcome upbeat post from you.
It was certainly awful about Nottingham, you just never know the minute do you. If ever there was a reminder to try and enjoy the here and now that was one.
I’ve broken mirrors in the past and never felt any ill effects but you never know maybe you’ve had a reversal in your fate. Fingers crossed. That was a good find in the skip….what a pity it didn’t have ‘property of Richie Sambora’ scrawled on it. You could have retired
It is indeed an upbeat post as Darksky says Buster. Yes awful news in your home town, these kinds of attacks seem commonplace in recent years though still rare thankfully in the cosmic scheme of things.
Take good care of yourself mate.
Yeah I have good days and not so good days , sometimes it’s hard to be positive when life keeps kicking you in the danglies, but I get knocked down and get up again like chumbawumba .
No Bon jovi signature but it did have a signature I couldn’t work out , a quick Google and realised it said Hank Marvin , okay not his actual guitar but a 1980s signature model made in good old England not china , I do like a good skip find .
Saturday night after driving home I sat in the garden with a beer and could hear Metallica playing at download festival, first time they played there in the 80s I was there and it was called monsters of rock , saw all the big bands including your beloved Bon Jovi , I’d love to go again before I fall off my perch but I’m not sure my brain would handle it so well now , people complained about the noise from 15 miles away GREAT!
My younger daughter has been ghosting me , heard nothing from her on my birthday a couple of weeks back and she probably won’t hear from her on Father’s Day either but I try not talk let these things upset me now , services the van today in billion degree heat ( panicked I was dying at one point but here I am ) got a load of work to do tomorrow then hopefully back down the coast Friday .
People , especially dog walkers know when I’m feeling better in myself because I’m more annoying , I get told a lot I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to humans .
Today I buried the mirror , I googled it and a nut job on YouTube said it’s the way to go , the other option was throw it in a south flowing river , turns out the Trent flows north , I buried it at my lock up , just as I’d done a mate turned up and saw me spade in hand walking back to my lock up , he asked what I’d been up to but I said “better I don’t tell you “ I’d rather he thought I’d buried a body than a bloody mirror , that would be just weird .
Anyway I’ll pop back in to update on how things go , or not as the case may be .
Ta ta .
Keep safe Buster….you do make me laugh. I appreciate your humour, I really do.
Monsters of Rock, that brings back memories. Are you sure that guitar didn’t have the initials SR on it Buster?
Well I have to say, this is a welcome upbeat post from you.
It was certainly awful about Nottingham, you just never know the minute do you. If ever there was a reminder to try and enjoy the here and now that was one.
I’ve broken mirrors in the past and never felt any ill effects but you never know maybe you’ve had a reversal in your fate. Fingers crossed. That was a good find in the skip….what a pity it didn’t have ‘property of Richie Sambora’ scrawled on it. You could have retired
While I'm not in any way trivialising this latest dreadful atrocity, the media have (unfairly and disproportionately IMO) seemingly been giving Nottingham a bad rap for quite a number of years now, especially since the late 90s-early 2000s era when said city was frequently nicknamed 'Shottingham', plus I wonder how Buster coped back then when the media were putting the fear of God into the rest of the nation over the (then) alleged gun crime 'epidemic' in his home city? Which probably was (and still is) actually not that much worse than say, Birmingham, of which I remember also seemed to be going through very similar problems during that same era.
I reiterate that I really don't intend to come across as insensitive concerning this highly emotive issue.
P.S, I have now decided to post in this forum again following a 3-month break (sorry to hijack your thread Buster).
You know your partner won't forget about the mirror Buster. Best to be ready with a 'forgive me' substitute. :D
No, you’re right there Mrs.C. Women forget nothing. And men should not forget to remember this. The moment will come Buster, when your stomach will sink as she remarks….oh let’s have a look at that mirror I put in your van.
Get your excuses/ expensive substitute ready.:winks:
Hi peeps , sorry it been on lately but still shaking that bush , I’ll catch up properly soon but been busy and worn out , as much as I believe women forget nothing which is evident in every argument , I would have to disagree once the mentalpause hits as we’ve come home to wide open doors on the house , lost keys , lost plots and what the hell was I saying , although long term memory still intact .
Still annoying annoying dog walkers with my sunny view on life , the other day I told a woman my shorts were falling down and said hold this a second , gave her a bag of dog poo and walked off , lesson learned on not trusting strangers,she shouted I was no gentleman , enjoy the little things .
Really hope yo’all are doing okay x
Good to hear from you Buster :yesyes:
Looking forward to a catch-up of events.
Still got your sense of humour intact Buster:yesyes: it’s nice to hear from you.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.