View Full Version : Argument at the gym with abusive guys. Advice please
Hello.I suffer CPTSD with massive social anxiety from childhood and receive constant abuse, bullying, always picked on, etc. I avoid people as much as I can and I am always too nice.
Anyway, so I am a regular at a gym for some years and never had any problem with anyone. Never spoke to anyone either.
Today I was using a machine and a guy came asking me how long would I stay on it and I said 5 minutes and I call you when I finish.
So the guy didn't like the answer. A muscled guy full of horrible tattoos and an aggressive attitude, he told me to alternate, meaning he'd use it while I rest between series. I said NO and he didnīt like it, so he insisted and I repeated NO I call you in 5 minutes, so he showed a very disgusting gesture and smile like "what a f. idiot" and I said, "if you don't agree that's your problem, spare me that disgusting smile of yours", so the guy was like... kind of shocked as I looked at his eyes straight and firm and then he gave me a speech that the gym is small and we have to share and blah blah.
Sharing a machine in times of covid and the monkeypox after 2 years of masks and lockdowns and my best friend dying of covid and the guy tells me to share the machine because he can't wait 5 minutes...
So I finished and went to one of the teachers (or I don't know the right name in English, the guys working at the gym) and asked him if he knew that guy and said yeah, he works here (I never saw him after 3 years going there) and he was kind of rude too and noticed they had been talking about the incident and he was supporting the tattood aggressor saying he had seen it all, so they both started to talk to me saying he hadn't been any rude or anything and that I was making it up, but both being massively agressive and disrespectful completely. So I said ENOUGH Im not speaking with you anymore and told them to go away and leave me alone. I was totally shaking and they could notice. I tremble after any little argument out of too much adrenaline and fear. It's just horrible, and it remains in my body and head for hours. Any little argument and I tremble and feel really sick as with heafrt disease for many hours and obsess about it.
So... should I tell the manager? I'm sure they're going to deny it and will act like a mafia against me after it forever, and they are MANY teachers or monitors or however it's called in English.
Would you tell? On one hand I know those guys have abused me once again out of nothing. They notice my weakness in my face and abuse, everybody does it. I am abused, mocked,bullied, wherever I go. But I also know that the manager will not care at all and the guys will not receive any penaly for it, so I will make things worse and they'll surely get seriously against me which is bad because any other gym is very far away.
What do you think?
Thanks
You don't come across as weak to me. I think you did an excellent job of standing up for yourself, and you are right - they are very much in the wrong.
I would for sure call the manager. Maybe he won't believe you, but it's worth a shot. Are there other gyms you could join? If so, I would absolutely tell him that the behavior of the trainers (teachers) there made you very uncomfortable and you are considering withdrawing your membership. Because honestly the behavior from both of them is really inappropriate, particularly as they are employees there.
You don't come across as weak to me. I think you did an excellent job of standing up for yourself, and you are right - they are very much in the wrong.
I would for sure call the manager. Maybe he won't believe you, but it's worth a shot. Are there other gyms you could join? If so, I would absolutely tell him that the behavior of the trainers (teachers) there made you very uncomfortable and you are considering withdrawing your membership. Because honestly the behavior from both of them is really inappropriate, particularly as they are employees there.
Yes I am very weak because I tremble in front of people when I have any confrontation, I am really ill in my nerves, I am pathetic, but always force myself to confront abusers. Anyway thanks a lot for your help.
I wonder what "healthier people" would do in this situation. I know I overreact to abuses and maybe healthy people will not tell the manager and just let it pass. The question is the guy didn't even try to apologize remotely. Just put the others against me saying that I was exaggerating and making it up, and they are two, as the other trainer said he saw it all...
I believe that women are more respected in thise sense, hence the memes of "Karen calling the manager", but when we men do it... we are called rats and believe me they will all make it hard for me to continue there because I am truly stress intolerant. Going to another gym will be a nightmare for the distance. I go twice a week for three years and I am very happy there, its a nice place and I am fit which is my only joy.
MANY THANKS.
Anyone know why the OP font is opaque? (or is it just me?)
I can relate to your issues as I have been there before myself in various situations (though never at a gym), and I have been the one accused of over-reacting.
That geezer you described sounds like a power-mad oik of a jobsworth. I have had various encounters with such persons who have worked at schools, day centres, respite units, etc that I have attended in the past who seem to believe they're entitled to their jobs, untouchable, and often hide behind draconian 'zero tolerance' policies in order to cover their own backsides, and ironically, to have carte blanche to abuse and intimidate customers/users/clients/students, etc.
One of my biggest bugbears is instances of 'double standards', where, for example, staff members who woe betide customers, clients, students, etc for swearing, but have been overheard dropping F-bombs themselves when in conversation with fellow colleagues, and even smoking in prohibited environments, especially before 2007 with the latter.
Anyone?
I can't read the post because it's opaque...
Is this the same for everyone or am I having some kind of brain blip?
Anyone?
I can't read the post because it's opaque...
Is this the same for everyone or am I having some kind of brain blip?
Yes, for some reason or other the OP text seems to be in a lighter shade than usual, though I've still managed to read it.
Perhaps try (at least temporarily) adjusting the brightness/contrast settings on your device to see if it makes the OP text any more readable.
Yes, for some reason or other the OP text seems to be in a lighter shade than usual, though I've still managed to read it.
Perhaps try (at least temporarily) adjusting the brightness/contrast settings on your device to see if it makes the OP text any more readable.
Nah. It'll trigger a migraine. I keep my brightness low for a reason. Just wanted to know if it was just me...
Nah. It'll trigger a migraine. I keep my brightness low for a reason. Just wanted to know if it was just me...
Not you... If you highlight the text as if you're going to C&P you can read it.
FMP
Pamplemousse
20-05-22, 12:18
Anyone know why the OP font is opaque? (or is it just me?)
The font's a very light grey.
Nora, I'm not sure if whatever you're reading this on supports it but if you hit the "reader mode" button in your browser (on Firefox it's at the RHS of the address bar) it strips out all the florid crap that forums tend to use and just reduces it to simple black text on a white background - then you can turn your brightness down.
Pamplemousse
20-05-22, 12:21
Anyone know why the OP font is opaque? (or is it just me?)
The font's a very light grey.
Nora, I'm not sure if whatever you're reading this on supports it but if you hit the "reader mode" button in your browser (on Firefox it's at the RHS of the address bar) it strips out all the florid crap that forums tend to use and just reduces it to simple black text on a white background - then you can turn your brightness down.
It looks like this then:
5554
The font's a very light grey.
Nora, I'm not sure if whatever you're reading this on supports it but if you hit the "reader mode" button in your browser (on Firefox it's at the RHS of the address bar) it strips out all the florid crap that forums tend to use and just reduces it to simple black text on a white background - then you can turn your brightness down.
Cheers P. :shades:
Thanks all. Sorted.
Anyone know why the OP font is opaque? (or is it just me?)
Sorry I already fixed it. I use a dark background extension for Chrome that reverses all colors and this happened in another forum too. I don't know why it happens since I can't even notice the difference I see the text white over black.
I was totally shaking and they could notice. I tremble after any little argument out of too much adrenaline and fear. It's just horrible, and it remains in my body and head for hours.
Me too and for all my life. I go full-body shakes, me. :huh:
They notice my weakness in my face and abuse, everybody does it. I am abused, mocked,bullied, wherever I go. But I also know that the manager will not care at all and the guys will not receive any penaly for it, so I will make things worse and they'll surely get seriously against me which is bad because any other gym is very far away.
One, you don't know what people are thinking when they look at you. This is your perception, not theirs. (took me the best part of 50 years to suss this one)
Two, how do you know that the manager won't do anything if you put a complaint in?
I don't go gyms, or groups. I'm far too antisocial for that mither but I used to work out on my own at home. I had all the kit but none of the mither. (Plus, I could only smell my own feet)
Nero, what's the biggest issue to you here? How other people reacted to you or how you react when you're in fight or flight mode?
P. S, you're not 'pathetic' by any means. I think your initial response to that bloke was spot on. He's the pathetic one, not you.
Me too and for all my life. I go full-body shakes, me. :huh:
One, you don't know what people are thinking when they look at you. This is your perception, not theirs. (took me the best part of 50 years to suss this one)
Two, how do you know that the manager won't do anything if you put a complaint in?
I don't go gyms, or groups. I'm far too antisocial for that mither but I used to work out on my own at home. I had all the kit but none of the mither. (Plus, I could only smell my own feet)
Nero, what's the biggest issue to you here? How other people reacted to you or how you react when you're in fight or flight mode?
P. S, you're not 'pathetic' by any means. I think your initial response to that bloke was spot on. He's the pathetic one, not you.
Thank you for your kind words and support. I'm out of home now in the bus and can't write comfortably but promise to reply later or this evening, thanks a lot. It feels very good to meet others who understand and share similar problems, I should participate more...
Two, how do you know that the manager won't do anything if you put a complaint in?
Whilst I acknowledge this will be of no consolation to the OP, unfortunately there will always be managers of certain establishments who are far more interested in 'looking after number one' than their customers, clients, etc, especially when and where 'back-handers', bribery and/or corruption might be involved (from either side).
I'm not necessarily suggesting that the management of the gym concerned are involved in such practices, but unfortunately such things do occur every now and then.
Me too and for all my life. I go full-body shakes, me. :huh:
One, you don't know what people are thinking when they look at you. This is your perception, not theirs. (took me the best part of 50 years to suss this one)
Two, how do you know that the manager won't do anything if you put a complaint in?
I don't go gyms, or groups. I'm far too antisocial for that mither but I used to work out on my own at home. I had all the kit but none of the mither. (Plus, I could only smell my own feet)
Nero, what's the biggest issue to you here? How other people reacted to you or how you react when you're in fight or flight mode?
P. S, you're not 'pathetic' by any means. I think your initial response to that bloke was spot on. He's the pathetic one, not you.
The manager will not do anything for sure as the others will say I am lying and exaggerating, and even the real story is not a big deal, it's all based on his attitude, not so much what he said but how he said it and his gesture of repulsion to me. In fact there have to be cameras but of course they wont consider it a big issue to go checking them. Just a slight couple of gestures that change it all. You see what I mean? Someone can ask youpolitely or ask you with aggressivity only different by body language, tone and gestures.
The biggest issue for me is justice. The guy was an abusive a**hole and didn't even apologize in the to occassions he had. First when we spoke and I replied hard. He didn't apologize. I would have apologized if I had been in his situation and someone had felt offended by my words when asking for a favor. But the guy didn't even consider apologizing but put the blame on me, in the beginning and later again, and then his other mate joined with a lie saying he had been polite and didn't ask for anything wrong but normal in gyms. Rubbish. I've been to gyms all my life and while occasionally some annoying idiots ask you to share the machine (who usually occupy two machines at the same time with their towels and bottles for alternating between them), it can happen from time to time, but not in covid times definetely.
So the BIG reason why I ask here is because I am very indecisive if telling the manager and file an official complaint that will reach the authorities that regulate consumer rights (it is a serious question here, they are effective), like when you file a complaint in a restaurant for a bad service, they will be penalized if they see that the restaurant or any business did something wrong.
Just a matter of justice and not letting the abusers win. I boil inside everytime I am abused. A lifetime of it.
However, as I said, if I ask here it's for the comsequences. The gym is near and excellent and if I complain, I will surely face the aggressivity of all the employees, this happens all the time to victims of bullying when confronting the bullies. They talk, lie, and put everyone against you. And here is where my massive anxiety comes in. I will probably not be able to resist the pressure of going there and see how all the personnel look at me or worse things. They can take any sort of revenge, I know how these people behave. Tired of seeing bullies all my life.
The manager will not do anything for sure as the others will say I am lying and exaggerating, and even the real story is not a big deal, it's all based on his attitude, not so much what he said but how he said it and his gesture of repulsion to me. In fact there have to be cameras but of course they wont consider it a big issue to go checking them. Just a slight couple of gestures that change it all. You see what I mean? Someone can ask youpolitely or ask you with aggressivity only different by body language, tone and gestures.
Again, I think you are making presumptions here, Nero.
You're presuming that the manager won't do anything (even though it is their job to take complaints seriously) and you are presuming to know what the others will say and do. You might be guessing right, but how could you possibly know what they are thinking? We can't say we know even when somebody says something as what people say and what they think can differ greatly and for numerous reasons.
The finger gesture is serious. Did you say that this man works at the gym? You have a valid complaint if he does. There will be cameras so that would help but I wouldn't waste anymore time incase the footage is cleared as a matter of routine..
The biggest issue for me is justice. The guy was an abusive a**hole and didn't even apologize in the to occassions he had. First when we spoke and I replied hard. He didn't apologize. I would have apologized if I had been in his situation and someone had felt offended by my words when asking for a favor. But the guy didn't even consider apologizing but put the blame on me, in the beginning and later again, and then his other mate joined with a lie saying he had been polite and didn't ask for anything wrong but normal in gyms. Rubbish. I've been to gyms all my life and while occasionally some annoying idiots ask you to share the machine (who usually occupy two machines at the same time with their towels and bottles for alternating between them), it can happen from time to time, but not in covid times definetely.
Justice. Yeah, I get you. I'm huge on that too. And when people get away with their toxic behaviour it really gets to me..
All I can say here is what I recently came to learn after decades of being abused and this is that I can only be responsible for my actions. I can take accountability for my actions but I can't force someone else to take responsibility & accountability for theirs. All I can do is to try and change my response to them not doing so because in the end it's me who gets hurt, not them..
So the BIG reason why I ask here is because I am very indecisive if telling the manager and file an official complaint that will reach the authorities that regulate consumer rights (it is a serious question here, they are effective), like when you file a complaint in a restaurant for a bad service, they will be penalized if they see that the restaurant or any business did something wrong.
Bottom line is that businesses can't improve unless people are truthful about the service they've received. The difficulty here is that this isn't about service; it's about an altercation between you and another member. Again, have I read it right that this person also works at the gym? If so, this is something that management should be interested in as behaviour like this from staff reflects bad on them as a business and they're more likely to do something about it. The bloke made an obscene finger gesture at you. It's a valid complaint but I wouldn't waste any more time. Make the complaint or let it go..
Just a matter of justice and not letting the abusers win. I boil inside everytime I am abused. A lifetime of it.
As I said earlier, I get it, but we can only be responsible (and accountable) for our own actions..
However, as I said, if I ask here it's for the comsequences. The gym is near and excellent and if I complain, I will surely face the aggressivity of all the employees, this happens all the time to victims of bullying when confronting the bullies. They talk, lie, and put everyone against you.
Or you could make the complaint to try and ensure that it doesn't happen to anybody else because any manager worth his/her job title would be checking those cameras & giving this person a verbal warning at least. For all you know, there may be history? This might not be the first complaint made about this person..
And here is where my massive anxiety comes in. I will probably not be able to resist the pressure of going there and see how all the personnel look at me or worse things. They can take any sort of revenge, I know how these people behave. Tired of seeing bullies all my life.
It won't work Nero. You will most likely misread situations. You will be in full flight or fight mode which will mean that you will react in a way that makes you feel even worse..
Again, you could be guessing right but you could just as easily go in there and there not be a problem at all? That's happened to me numerous times..
I would be inclined to make the complaint. They are likely to say that the matter will be looked into. Ask for feedback and when (if) you get it then go back to the gym and see what happens. Blokes in gyms? Hell of a lot of testosterone and adrenalin at any given time and when our anxiety is naturally set to 'extremely high' it is very easy to misread situations and to overreact and this only really hurts us. The slightest 'look' in or direction and we make up our own narrative. But when you've been bullied all your life, it is a big ask to try and find the positivity, right? All I am saying is that the actual situation might differ greatly to the one you are imagining. You also might be bang on, Nero - in which case, you have the option to find another gym. For your own MH wellbeing, you need to try and wrap this up one way or another. That bloke isn't deserving of your time & energy but you are in fact giving up so much of your power & energy to him and in doing this, he wins..
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