Stressed32
26-06-22, 21:31
You know, when it is me I am worried about- I am ok- I mean it sucks but it is WAY better to worry about myself than my babies or my husband. If I worry about myself, I can do that in manageable silence. I can go into the bathroom and cry, freak out etc. as a release and can even look at whatever has me worried and often times realize how silly I am being. But when it is my kids- there is no release! I can NOT check what I am worried about on them, can't talk about it bc I dare not let them be like me- so I legit just suffer internally and alone bc THEY are who I have to protect from this monster that lives in my head.
My 11 year old currently has a weird spot on her scalp that has been there for about a month. She came to me a month ago and thought she had a tick on her head and HELLO ANXIETY! I told her she was fine, go play, and off to google I went to set the spiral into motion (and just like years before, I was fine for months and then BAM it is back just like that!!).
Well, I find that childhood melanoma is different than grown up melanoma (it is skin colored like the spot she has instead of dark in color) AND if a kid will get it- they gonna get it on the scalp! Now we have increase the anxiety up by about 400%. I am now obsessed to find a pic of a spot like hers to know what the heck this is on her head! We have an appt w a derm tomorrow at 11:30 and in my mind, I have created and can actually see me in the office and despite there only being less than 300 total cases a year in the US of childhood melanoma, in my mind, tomorrow, my kid will be one of those cases! I can see the entire appt. just like watching a video on the TV. The feelings are so real- I am so terrified to go. I am torn between being scared of them missing it bc they do not see enough of it and them finding it and telling me they have to remove it ASAP.
I am not looking for you all to tell me what she has or doesn't have- the Dr. can do that tomorrow. I am simply looking for ways and suggestions to stop these terrible thoughts bc they are so real that I am fighting myself and feeling like a crapola mom for even thinking them! I have tried to distract myself but I always come back to the terrible images in my head. They are so real that I have mentally distanced myself from my daughter for the moment because I am so scared she will know the things I am thinking.
My 11 year old currently has a weird spot on her scalp that has been there for about a month. She came to me a month ago and thought she had a tick on her head and HELLO ANXIETY! I told her she was fine, go play, and off to google I went to set the spiral into motion (and just like years before, I was fine for months and then BAM it is back just like that!!).
Well, I find that childhood melanoma is different than grown up melanoma (it is skin colored like the spot she has instead of dark in color) AND if a kid will get it- they gonna get it on the scalp! Now we have increase the anxiety up by about 400%. I am now obsessed to find a pic of a spot like hers to know what the heck this is on her head! We have an appt w a derm tomorrow at 11:30 and in my mind, I have created and can actually see me in the office and despite there only being less than 300 total cases a year in the US of childhood melanoma, in my mind, tomorrow, my kid will be one of those cases! I can see the entire appt. just like watching a video on the TV. The feelings are so real- I am so terrified to go. I am torn between being scared of them missing it bc they do not see enough of it and them finding it and telling me they have to remove it ASAP.
I am not looking for you all to tell me what she has or doesn't have- the Dr. can do that tomorrow. I am simply looking for ways and suggestions to stop these terrible thoughts bc they are so real that I am fighting myself and feeling like a crapola mom for even thinking them! I have tried to distract myself but I always come back to the terrible images in my head. They are so real that I have mentally distanced myself from my daughter for the moment because I am so scared she will know the things I am thinking.