View Full Version : Absolute mess - lump in groin
flatterycat
24-08-22, 13:59
I’m a mess and need help to rationalise. I really feel like I’m losing it and can’t eat or sleep with anxiety.
I have always suffered with HA and am getting help, but for the last couple of months I have gradually got worse. It all started when I woke with sharp stabbing pains in my left pelvic area. Straight away my mind went to ovarian cancer. I saw my doctor and she wasn’t concerned. The pains went after a day, but ever since then I have random aches and pains in the area and have become convinced it’s oc. My therapist and doctor have advised me to try not to run for a scan as part of my treatment for the HA. I have had some good weeks but struggling to believe. I am 53 so have it in my mind that it can only be oc. I have been working on reducing my body checking and googling and trying to keep busy. This has all been since around June onwards.
This morning I decided to check my pelvis and groin. I have now found a very small hard lump in my groin. This has added to my fears of oc. I feel sick and have rung the doctor and waiting for a call back. I can feel the lump when I press hard on the crease of my thigh/groin where the lymph nodes are. I’ve checked it over and over again. I can’t feel it if press gently but as soon as I push in it’s there - a hard pea. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this and I am terrified. I can’t feel it on the other side. Everything I’ve read says if it’s hard, it’s bad. It is very small, but the fact that it is hard is terrifying me. All I can think is that it’s oc that’s spread to my lymph nodes.
Please can anyone help me. I’m beside myself with fear and can’t believe it’s nothing to worry about.
nomorepanic
24-08-22, 14:19
That doesn't sound like OC to me.
Could be a simple cyst or anything.
The doctor will tell you anyway
flatterycat
24-08-22, 14:28
Thank you for your reply Nicola, but I can’t cope at all. I read a story of a lady who had pelvic pain then developed enlarged lymph nodes in groin and was diagnosed with incurable cancer. I can’t see how this is different to me. I don’t want to be without my family. I love my daughter and husband so much and the thought of being ill and leaving them is overwhelming.
nomorepanic
24-08-22, 19:14
But you are overthinking this and catastrophising without any diagnosis or anything.
I really don't think it is anything serious and you will be fine.
flatterycat
24-08-22, 23:24
But you are overthinking this and catastrophising without any diagnosis or anything.
I really don't think it is anything serious and you will be fine.
Thank you - it just helps to be able to ‘talk’ to others about the fear.
flatterycat
25-08-22, 10:41
I know it’s me writing to my own post, but it helps to get it out.
im still waiting for a doctor appointment. Spent most of last night and this morning checking the lump in my groin. It’s very small but hard and that’s what’s terrifying me. My husband says the fact I have to actively feel for it probably means it’s nothing to worry about but it’s obvious. The more I check the more I can feel it and I’m convinced it’s a cancerous lymph node. There’s not one on the other side. I’m so sorry armed and just want it all to be ok.
utrocket09
25-08-22, 11:29
I know it’s me writing to my own post, but it helps to get it out.
im still waiting for a doctor appointment. Spent most of last night and this morning checking the lump in my groin. It’s very small but hard and that’s what’s terrifying me. My husband says the fact I have to actively feel for it probably means it’s nothing to worry about but it’s obvious. The more I check the more I can feel it and I’m convinced it’s a cancerous lymph node. There’s not one on the other side. I’m so sorry armed and just want it all to be ok.
If you have to search that hard for it it isnt cancer.
flatterycat
25-08-22, 12:18
Thanks for replying.
I just don’t know where to turn. I’m an absolute mess and can’t think straight at all. All I can think is that anxiety doesn’t cause lumps in your groin, so it’s really something worrying.
utrocket09
25-08-22, 13:56
Thanks for replying.
I just don’t know where to turn. I’m an absolute mess and can’t think straight at all. All I can think is that anxiety doesn’t cause lumps in your groin, so it’s really something worrying.
You know poking a node makes it worse right? Again, if you have to look that hard, not cancer
Thank you for your reply Nicola, but I can’t cope at all. I read a story of a lady who had pelvic pain then developed enlarged lymph nodes in groin and was diagnosed with incurable cancer. I can’t see how this is different to me. I don’t want to be without my family. I love my daughter and husband so much and the thought of being ill and leaving them is overwhelming.
The reason you can't cope is because you have spiralling HA and are continuing to google and catastrophise.
The doctor knows you have HA and wants to help you manage it not feed it. Have you talked to your therapist about this perceived issue?
flatterycat
25-08-22, 14:36
Hello Pulisa
Yes, my therapist is trying to help me reduce my checking but I’ve really been struggling for weeks now, with periods of feeling calmer. Then the other day I decided to check my groin and that’s when I found the lump. I know exactly what you mean about HA and I can see that I am feeding it, but I always fall back into the thought that just because I have HA it doesn’t make me immune to serious illness.
just because I have HA it doesn’t make me immune to serious illness.
True, regardless of mental health, none of us are immune from illnesses. That said, extreme self checking behaviors are self inflicted. Just think, if you hadn't 'decided' to engage in this self checking behavior, you wouldn't be spiraling. If you poke and prod enough, you're bound to find a lump or bump and normal anatomy can trigger your anxiety and what follows are behaviors and thoughts that just escalate as seen in your post. As has been said, if you have to search for it, its not cancer.
FMP
flatterycat
25-08-22, 15:37
True, regardless of mental health, none of us are immune from illnesses. That said, extreme self checking behaviors are self inflicted. Just think, if you hadn't 'decided' to engage in this self checking behavior, you wouldn't be spiraling. If you poke and prod enough, you're bound to find a lump or bump and normal anatomy can trigger your anxiety and what follows are behaviors and thoughts that just escalate as seen in your post. As has been said, if you have to search for it, its not cancer.
FMP
As my husband said, if you go looking for trouble…
And boy have I. Not only finding it but then googling and finding anything and everything to support my fears. I found one small lump - one is bad! It’s hard - hard is bad! I can’t move it around - bad! FFS my mind stuck. All I can think is that it’s cancer that’s spread from my ovary (I’ve been worried about ovary aches and pains for weeks) because nothing else makes sense.
I'd say it's fine to ask a doctor if you are truly concerned, but it's likely to be nothing at all (or a normal lymph node). I get them in my groin from time to time and they always go away. I also had one under my jaw and another behind my ear. The one behind my ear actually is hard. I had both for years and years and I was too afraid to go to the doctor, but one day another one popped up under my jaw so I went in - and my doc wasn't concerned in the slightest. In fact, the ones under my jaw actually did disappear even after years of being there.
I also had a bump on my cervix that I found by accident, panic ensued, I decided I would just ask my OBGYN at my next appointment and hey, it's not even there anymore. Will still ask at my annual but bumps come and go and most are harmless.
Please try to hang in there.
flatterycat
25-08-22, 17:52
I'd say it's fine to ask a doctor if you are truly concerned, but it's likely to be nothing at all (or a normal lymph node). I get them in my groin from time to time and they always go away. I also had one under my jaw and another behind my ear. The one behind my ear actually is hard. I had both for years and years and I was too afraid to go to the doctor, but one day another one popped up under my jaw so I went in - and my doc wasn't concerned in the slightest. In fact, the ones under my jaw actually did disappear even after years of being there.
I also had a bump on my cervix that I found by accident, panic ensued, I decided I would just ask my OBGYN at my next appointment and hey, it's not even there anymore. Will still ask at my annual but bumps come and go and most are harmless.
Please try to hang in there.
Thanks Poppy
I spoke with a nurse who said there was no point seeing a doctor as they would simply say to watch it for 2 weeks. She did give me an appointment for next week though. I’m just in real state - one minute hoping this really is nothing to full on convinced that it’s cancer spread from somewhere like my ovary. I know that’s how HA goes but it does t make me feel any better.
I asked my hubby to feel the lump again and he’s refused! I just want to run to a doctor and get them feel it and tell me it’s all ok. I think if it wasn’t for the fact that ‘hard’ is not good if feel less anxious as it is small. But you know, I’m pressing it and it’s just there and it doesn’t feel soft to me.
Thanks for your support though x
As my husband said, if you go looking for trouble…
And boy have I. Not only finding it but then googling and finding anything and everything to support my fears. I found one small lump - one is bad! It’s hard - hard is bad! I can’t move it around - bad! FFS my mind stuck. All I can think is that it’s cancer that’s spread from my ovary (I’ve been worried about ovary aches and pains for weeks) because nothing else makes sense.
But you don't know whether you have "found" anything at all..You're presumably not medically trained? I'm sure anyone with HA could "find" all sorts of potential lumps and bumps if there was enough prodding and poking and a sort of inevitability feeling that something would be discovered..?
Have you heard back from your GP? He or she may challenge your HA and say that you don't need to be examined? What if she offers you a C 125 blood test instead?
Just based on your post history, subsequent behaviors and fears, you have to realize you're just going down the same path. If you're that concerned, see a doctor :shrug:
FMP
flatterycat
25-08-22, 18:43
But you don't know whether you have "found" anything at all..You're presumably not medically trained? I'm sure anyone with HA could "find" all sorts of potential lumps and bumps if there was enough prodding and poking and a sort of inevitability feeling that something would be discovered..?
Have you heard back from your GP? He or she may challenge your HA and say that you don't need to be examined? What if she offers you a C 125 blood test instead?
My GP said they couldn’t see me until Tuesday at the earliest. No I’m definitely not medically trained Pulisa!
If she offered me the blood test I think I’d panic, which I know is silly because I’m wanting help but not wanting tests!
flatterycat
25-08-22, 18:48
Just based on your post history, subsequent behaviors and fears, you have to realize you're just going down the same path. If you're that concerned, see a doctor :shrug:
FMP
FMP you sound like my husband. He has said the same thing about patterns! We just chatted about it being the same cycle and although I see what he means, it’s really hard to relate it to my current fear.
The first thing I always do is contact my doctor with any concerns. I asked them to see me today, but after being triaged they said not until Tuesday.
I can only imagine the frustration you feel when you read posts like mine!
FMP you sound like my husband. He has said the same thing about patterns! We just chatted about it being the same cycle and although I see what he means, it’s really hard to relate it to my current fear.
The first thing I always do is contact my doctor with any concerns. I asked them to see me today, but after being triaged they said not until Tuesday.
I can only imagine the frustration you feel when you read posts like mine!
The difference is you recognize and acknowledge it as opposed to other long time members with perpetual threads that are totally lost in the rabbit hole. That's a positive IMO. Use that to your advantage.
FMP
So sorry to hear this and I am going through the exact same thing. Pain in right side started about a month ago during ovulation and has been on & off (every day since then). I have my self in such a swirl and trying to make an appt. Terrified of OC and I know if go in, all the tests will start. I keep reminding myself that my HA is taking me to the worst case places because another person without HA would acknowledge the pain and then go and get it checked out, but without thinking that pain means death. Butttt thatÂ’s not how our minds work and even when we acknowledge the pattern, we think this time will be different.
So sorry youÂ’re going through this and wanted you to know youÂ’re not alone.
flatterycat
25-08-22, 19:42
The difference is you recognize and acknowledge it as opposed to other long time members with perpetual threads that are totally lost in the rabbit hole. That's a positive IMO. Use that to your advantage.
Thanks FMP
I am always very aware when posting that it must sound exasperating and I try to stay off, but then it gets to a point where I can’t cope and seek reassurance from here. This, even though I know no one can diagnose me or tell me I’m ok.
flatterycat
25-08-22, 19:51
So sorry to hear this and I am going through the exact same thing. Pain in right side started about a month ago during ovulation and has been on & off (every day since then). I have my self in such a swirl and trying to make an appt. Terrified of OC and I know if go in, all the tests will start. I keep reminding myself that my HA is taking me to the worst case places because another person without HA would acknowledge the pain and then go and get it checked out, but without thinking that pain means death. Butttt thatÂ’s not how our minds work and even when we acknowledge the pattern, we think this time will be different. So sorry youÂ’re going through this and wanted you to know youÂ’re not alone.
Thank you
I’m sorry you are struggling too. You are so right when you say ‘we think this time will different’. I always take the fact that I’ve always got away with whatever the fear is, so my luck is going to run out soon. I was already in a spin with the oc worry, then when I find the lump in my groin it just seemed to confirm my fears.
Thank you for taking the time to reply and I hope you are able to get some relief from the fear too. You sound younger than me (you mention ovulation) so I’m sure you can take a positive from that x
What if the nurse can't find this lump? What then?
Oh goodness, I gave up year #24 of my life to this exact scenario -- except I was convinced it was lymphoma. Had two very firm but movable lumps in my left groin. One almost visible if I flexed my leg a certain way, the other invisible but definitely there. My doc could feel them, and wasn't really concerned for anything except... STDs! Which was ridiculous because I wasn't dating and hadn't been for a full year at that point, but she ordered all the blood tests anyway, and when they came back fine, sent me for an ultrasound -- which measured the bigger of the two nodes as exactly at the threshold for "enlarged" -- to the tenth of a cm. So she ordered a CT with contrast, and I did it -- then practically pooped all day from the dye, yuck -- and you know what?
It came back totally normal.
I had been poking and prodding a non-problem into a borderline problem. That's all.
Honestly, it was that year that I found this forum, and I read thread after thread after thread and took comfort from how incredibly unlikely my negative fantasies were, and for a while, the self-CBT skills I learned here really worked. Then my HA can ROARING back when I had a child, and again when the pandemic hit. self-CBT didn't cut it any more. So now I have a therapist and an SSRI and have worked really hard and honestly? I'll still never be 24 again. But we can both go forth and live THIS year without worrying.
Don't poke it at ALL for a month and see where that takes you. Tell yourself: poking it won't make it any better! But it sure can make it WORSE. And keep fighting your HA.
All the best to you
flatterycat
26-08-22, 10:53
What if the nurse can't find this lump? What then?
I would feel relieved but I know they will. My husband can feel it too.
flatterycat
26-08-22, 10:56
Oh goodness, I gave up year #24 of my life to this exact scenario -- except I was convinced it was lymphoma. Had two very firm but movable lumps in my left groin. One almost visible if I flexed my leg a certain way, the other invisible but definitely there. My doc could feel them, and wasn't really concerned for anything except... STDs! Which was ridiculous because I wasn't dating and hadn't been for a full year at that point, but she ordered all the blood tests anyway, and when they came back fine, sent me for an ultrasound -- which measured the bigger of the two nodes as exactly at the threshold for "enlarged" -- to the tenth of a cm. So she ordered a CT with contrast, and I did it -- then practically pooped all day from the dye, yuck -- and you know what?
It came back totally normal.
I had been poking and prodding a non-problem into a borderline problem. That's all.
Honestly, it was that year that I found this forum, and I read thread after thread after thread and took comfort from how incredibly unlikely my negative fantasies were, and for a while, the self-CBT skills I learned here really worked. Then my HA can ROARING back when I had a child, and again when the pandemic hit. self-CBT didn't cut it any more. So now I have a therapist and an SSRI and have worked really hard and honestly? I'll still never be 24 again. But we can both go forth and live THIS year without worrying.
Don't poke it at ALL for a month and see where that takes you. Tell yourself: poking it won't make it any better! But it sure can make it WORSE. And keep fighting your HA.
All the best to you
Thank you for your reply. I wish I was only 24. I wouldn’t be half as worried.
You sound so positive and like you are dealing with your anxiety well. I also take medication but when it comes to something real nothing seems to help because it is all about a real physical issue.
X
Thank you
I’m sorry you are struggling too. You are so right when you say ‘we think this time will different’. I always take the fact that I’ve always got away with whatever the fear is, so my luck is going to run out soon. I was already in a spin with the oc worry, then when I find the lump in my groin it just seemed to confirm my fears.
Thank you for taking the time to reply and I hope you are able to get some relief from the fear too. You sound younger than me (you mention ovulation) so I’m sure you can take a positive from that x
Thank you - Im just a few years younger (48). I relate to everything you’re saying as if I wrote it. It’s so much harder to keep the HA in check for me as well, when it’s something like this. I hope your dr appts gives you the answers you need, so you can find some peace. Thinking of you!
Thank you for your reply. I wish I was only 24. I wouldn’t be half as worried.
You sound so positive and like you are dealing with your anxiety well. I also take medication but when it comes to something real nothing seems to help because it is all about a real physical issue.
X
Have you had any confirmation from a health professional that this is a real physical issue?
flatterycat
26-08-22, 14:08
Hi Pulisa
No really. I spoke to my doctor and was examined by a nurse when I had the pains but no health professional has felt this lump.
Hi Pulisa
No really. I spoke to my doctor and was examined by a nurse when I had the pains but no health professional has felt this lump.
So maybe best not to self-diagnose? Your self diagnosis is based on fear not fact.
flatterycat
26-08-22, 18:33
So maybe best not to self-diagnose? Your self diagnosis is based on fear not fact.
Yes you’re right of course about self-diagnosis. My mind grasps on to what I can feel - in this case, a small lump and so I then find it difficult to recognise it as anxiety. I know nothing can be done until I see the doctor but I need to talk to people who understand. I have to hide it from my daughter and it’s hard to talk to my hubby without crying, which my daughter would see.
If I’m lucky enough for this to turn out to be nothing to worry about, then I am determined to stop the behaviours that keep me in this cycle. There’s nobody else that will make this all stop for me and the same goes for medication - there’s no magic solution.
What you and your husband think you can feel hasn't been confirmed by a doctor and I take it that you haven't had a call yet from your GP?
I'm not saying that anxiety is making you feel a lump...More that what you are feeling may not be as significant as you fear? And may be being made more obvious by all the prodding and poking? Why not try leaving it alone? There's nothing more you can do until you get this assessed properly?
flatterycat
27-08-22, 10:59
What you and your husband think you can feel hasn't been confirmed by a doctor and I take it that you haven't had a call yet from your GP?
I'm not saying that anxiety is making you feel a lump...More that what you are feeling may not be as significant as you fear? And may be being made more obvious by all the prodding and poking? Why not try leaving it alone? There's nothing more you can do until you get this assessed properly?
A nurse rang from surgery and said that if a doctor saw me that day they would only tell me to wait a couple of weeks to see if it goes as they are common there.
But this isn't good enough reassurance for you, i suspect?
flatterycat
27-08-22, 16:39
But this isn't good enough reassurance for you, i suspect?
How did you guess that Pulisa!
I thought I was beginning to lesson my checking yesterday but today it’s been worse. Again, I’m not expecting a response because people have already helped, but my anxiety is so very high. Sometimes I check and think for a moment that the lump is smaller, then I check again and it feels bigger. I’ve checked it in different positions and constantly against the other side, which doesn’t have the same lump.
I know the answer is to stop checking, that it won’t change anything for the better and that I am feeding my anxiety.
I know that I am making myself worse and keeping the cycle of fear going, but it runs alongside the fear that if I don’t check, or if I don’t panic, then it’ll turn out to be what I fear. To most people reading this, it will sound completely illogical and I know this is correct, yet the overriding thoughts are that I cannot relax with this.
We moved house year ago into a project that we always wanted and all I can think is that I’m not going to be here to enjoy it with my hubby and daughter. I can’t explain how frightening that feels or that the very fact I’m thinking it means something.
Sorry for another ramble.
I think it's pretty normal for us to expect a backlash of epic proportions if things go well and the future looks promising...It's as if we don't have the right to expect anything good which makes us happy because there will always have to be a dramatic pay off in the form of catastrophe?
I know I would feel the same if my life improved. I would think that this is too good to last..
How did you guess that Pulisa!
I thought I was beginning to lesson my checking yesterday but today it’s been worse. Again, I’m not expecting a response because people have already helped, but my anxiety is so very high. Sometimes I check and think for a moment that the lump is smaller, then I check again and it feels bigger. I’ve checked it in different positions and constantly against the other side, which doesn’t have the same lump.
I know the answer is to stop checking, that it won’t change anything for the better and that I am feeding my anxiety.
I know that I am making myself worse and keeping the cycle of fear going, but it runs alongside the fear that if I don’t check, or if I don’t panic, then it’ll turn out to be what I fear. To most people reading this, it will sound completely illogical and I know this is correct, yet the overriding thoughts are that I cannot relax with this.
We moved house year ago into a project that we always wanted and all I can think is that I’m not going to be here to enjoy it with my hubby and daughter. I can’t explain how frightening that feels or that the very fact I’m thinking it means something.
Sorry for another ramble.
I think everybody on this site reading your post, absolutely gets it, it’s the people without HA that don’t understand how our minds work. I have a bump on my right side too however i know that’s it’s been there for decades, but of course now that Im having pain in that area, Im focussed on it. Maybe you’ve had it there for a long time but never noticed it before? I’m having the same weekend as you. Totally fixated on the pain, crying when we no one is around, looking at “normal” people enjoying the weekend. Hopefully your dr will give you the answers you need on Tuesday.
I think everybody on this site reading your post, absolutely gets it, it’s the people without HA that don’t understand how our minds work.
That's an interesting point and as one who does not suffer from HA, I sometimes read posts in amazement as to the content and how anxiety can skew reality. The way the mind creates extreme scenarios, actual physical symptoms and extreme behaviors is as complex and even more so than the actual physical ailment one fears.
We all have our moments and I get into a negative mental loop over certain things but I'm able to distract myself and rarely lose any sleep over them. I can only equate this to my physical issues. I have side effects from all the physical things I went through and am in pretty much constant pain from the side effects in one form or another. I've come to learn how to live with it and its the 'new normal' so to speak. Thank goodness there are medications and things (exercise, diet etc.) I can do to help.
In many ways, how I treat my real physical issues and how one would treat the pain of mental issues are similar. There are meds, exercises, diet is important (especially those with gut issues), things like meditation to help quiet the mind and there are doctors to treat the mind just as there are doctors to treat physical illness. No one lives a truly perfect life and we all have to learn to adapt to the changes. As has been said in a few other threads. Its a matter of applying yourself and working at it. In many cases, there is no cure but I believe, whether its physical or mental or both, one can learn to live with and even thrive in the 'new normal'.
FMP
flatterycat
27-08-22, 23:38
I think it's pretty normal for us to expect a backlash of epic proportions if things go well and the future looks promising...It's as if we don't have the right to expect anything good which makes us happy because there will always have to be a dramatic pay off in the form of catastrophe?
I know I would feel the same if my life improved. I would think that this is too good to last..
Yes that’s just how it feels.
flatterycat
27-08-22, 23:55
That's an interesting point and as one who does not suffer from HA, I sometimes read posts in amazement as to the content and how anxiety can skew reality. The way the mind creates extreme scenarios, actual physical symptoms and extreme behaviors is as complex and even more so than the actual physical ailment one fears.
We all have our moments and I get into a negative mental loop over certain things but I'm able to distract myself and rarely lose any sleep over them. I can only equate this to my physical issues. I have side effects from all the physical things I went through and am in pretty much constant pain from the side effects in one form or another. I've come to learn how to live with it and its the 'new normal' so to speak. Thank goodness there are medications and things (exercise, diet etc.) I can do to help.
In many ways, how I treat my real physical issues and how one would treat the pain of mental issues are similar. There are meds, exercises, diet is important (especially those with gut issues), things like meditation to help quiet the mind and there are doctors to treat the mind just as there are doctors to treat physical illness. No one lives a truly perfect life and we all have to learn to adapt to the changes. As has been said in a few other threads. Its a matter of applying yourself and working at it. In many cases, there is no cure but I believe, whether its physical or mental or both, one can learn to live with and even thrive in the 'new normal'.
FMP
If I could believe that my thinking was ‘skewed’ or my fears were way out of proportion I suppose I wouldn’t have HA? Not sure if that makes sense, but I suppose I’m saying that when in the midst of HA, it’s feels impossible, if not scary, to entertain that something could be innocent or at least nothing major to worry about.
I really believe my own HA is tied up in OCD and actually think the two are pretty much one and the same. So, when I’m going through health fears, I’m not only checking all the time, but I’m also engaging in lots of magical thinking for much of the time e.g. “If I don’t pick that up, then this will turn out bad.” I’m sure this makes little sense but it’s how it is with me.
Like you say FMP, it’s managing it isn’t it. If it turns out that I am ok physically, then I have to start looking at it in a different way instead of looking for the magic word, pill, therapist or whatever.
flatterycat
27-08-22, 23:59
I think everybody on this site reading your post, absolutely gets it, it’s the people without HA that don’t understand how our minds work. I have a bump on my right side too however i know that’s it’s been there for decades, but of course now that Im having pain in that area, Im focussed on it. Maybe you’ve had it there for a long time but never noticed it before? I’m having the same weekend as you. Totally fixated on the pain, crying when we no one is around, looking at “normal” people enjoying the weekend. Hopefully your dr will give you the answers you need on Tuesday.
I’m really sorry you’re having such a crap time too. What you say about everyone looking ‘normal’ really resonates. I find myself being envious of people’s relaxed attitudes and also think things like, ‘Yeah but they aren’t ill or haven’t got this or so they can be relaxed.” Yet I know that’s nonsense, as I don’t know what’s going on in their lives.
I’m really sorry you’re having such a crap time too. What you say about everyone looking ‘normal’ really resonates. I find myself being envious of people’s relaxed attitudes and also think things like, ‘Yeah but they aren’t ill or haven’t got this or so they can be relaxed.” Yet I know that’s nonsense, as I don’t know what’s going on in their lives.
That's very true. We only know what's going on in our own minds. We have no idea what people are going through. Not everyone wants to share what trauma or illness they are suffering from.
I also think having a physical illness is very different from having a mental health issue. Complex MH issues are hard to "fix". True there are psychologists and psychiatrists who treat mental illness but it's still a very grey area and mostly a case of trial and error in terms of the therapy and meds option. I do think that you're very much on your own with MH issues and have to rely on your own response to triggers. With HA/OCD I do think you have to be very disciplined with yourself, be strong and don't give in to the need to engage in unhelpful behaviours like googling and repetitive checking. What do you have to gain from these activities? Absolutely nothing apart from continued misery and torment.
flatterycat
28-08-22, 11:12
What do you have to gain from these activities? Absolutely nothing apart from continued misery and torment.
When I do them it’s for the reassurance which I know doesn’t work at all. Sometimes it feels as I can imagine an addiction feels. Just one more… etc
This morning I’ve felt the lump many times and have had to force myself to stop and give myself a time limit for when I can check again. My mind is struggling to believe it it could be harmless even more today.
Interestingly, a therapist once told me that the behaviours of HA are like an addiction, you convince yourself that “just one more time” will give you the magic answer and then you’ll move on, but the more you do, the worse you actually feel.
Realistically, the bump will only get bigger the more you touch it, so you need to try and leave it alone. Give yourself a time to check and after that, try not to do it again.
I have HA/OCD too and what I’ve learned is that OCD is really about not being able to manage uncertainty, and this is where we get really stuck when there’s any type of health issue (real or perceived).
I think the closer you get to your appt, the harder it is to believe that e/thing will be fine, I’m like that too.
Can you try and do something that will distract you today?
flatterycat
28-08-22, 14:56
Interestingly, a therapist once told me that the behaviours of HA are like an addiction, you convince yourself that “just one more time” will give you the magic answer and then you’ll move on, but the more you do, the worse you actually feel.
Realistically, the bump will only get bigger the more you touch it, so you need to try and leave it alone. Give yourself a time to check and after that, try not to do it again.
I have HA/OCD too and what I’ve learned is that OCD is really about not being able to manage uncertainty, and this is where we get really stuck when there’s any type of health issue (real or perceived).
I think the closer you get to your appt, the harder it is to believe that e/thing will be fine, I’m like that too.
Can you try and do something that will distract you today?
We sound really similar. I recently read a book on living with uncertainty and deep down I know that that’s the only way I will ever manage my HA. Of course I then got these symptoms and all that goes out the window because it’s hard to see the point of dealing with HA, if you have some terrible health problem!
I’ve tried painting some walls today - just areas that need patching up and also deep cleaned the sofas.
How are you doing sel123?
We sound really similar. I recently read a book on living with uncertainty and deep down I know that that’s the only way I will ever manage my HA. Of course I then got these symptoms and all that goes out the window because it’s hard to see the point of dealing with HA, if you have some terrible health problem!
I’ve tried painting some walls today - just areas that need patching up and also deep cleaned the sofas.
How are you doing sel123?
We do indeed! Do you have the name of the book?
I always fear getting an illness and the anxiety that will come along with that.
It’s good to keep as busy as you can. I’m OK because we are away with the kids today, but sleeping has become terrible again, and I wake up panicking, convinced this is it. It’s the real pain that is freaking me out - I know it’s not an anxiety symptom.
It feels like I have spent the last 7 years, just terrified I won’t be there for my family. It’s a terrible way to live, never being able to be in the moment. If I’m lucky enough to get through this, I’m going to talk to my drs about meds. Despite all the therapy etc., I’m just not passed it.
Thank you for chatting - it helps!!!!
I think you are very fortunate if you find a med which will "rid" you of HA. Likewise a therapy option. Our thoughts will always take us to the worst case scenario..and I'd say that even for people without HA this could be understandable? It's the ability to stand back from the issue and make a sensible plan of action in order to minimise the uncertainty aspect that is important.
Did you know that Dame Deborah James had anxiety and panic attacks prior to her cancer diagnosis? And that after her diagnosis she cast off her fears and faced her illness head on? We admire her strength and resilience but who's to say that any of us wouldn't show the same courage in the same situation? We obviously hope we will never find out but it just goes to show that people-even if anxious- don't necessarily collapse in a heap if they do get unwelcome news.
I am not in any way suggesting that you two will of course..but you are both just speculating and not dealing with an actual diagnosis from a medical professional. Speculation breeds uncertainty so you are actually just making things worse
flatterycat
28-08-22, 18:36
We do indeed! Do you have the name of the book?
I always fear getting an illness and the anxiety that will come along with that.
It’s good to keep as busy as you can. I’m OK because we are away with the kids today, but sleeping has become terrible again, and I wake up panicking, convinced this is it. It’s the real pain that is freaking me out - I know it’s not an anxiety symptom.
It feels like I have spent the last 7 years, just terrified I won’t be there for my family. It’s a terrible way to live, never being able to be in the moment. If I’m lucky enough to get through this, I’m going to talk to my drs about meds. Despite all the therapy etc., I’m just not passed it.
Thank you for chatting - it helps!!!!
Anytime.
The book is called ‘Needing to Know for Sure’ by Sally M Winston
I hope you managed to have a nice day with the kids despite the anxiety. People tell me that when we are hyper-vigilant to pain etc, we notice it more. Could that be what’s happening for you?
x
flatterycat
28-08-22, 18:39
I think you are very fortunate if you find a med which will "rid" you of HA. Likewise a therapy option. Our thoughts will always take us to the worst case scenario..and I'd say that even for people without HA this could be understandable? It's the ability to stand back from the issue and make a sensible plan of action in order to minimise the uncertainty aspect that is important.
Did you know that Dame Deborah James had anxiety and panic attacks prior to her cancer diagnosis? And that after her diagnosis she cast off her fears and faced her illness head on? We admire her strength and resilience but who's to say that any of us wouldn't show the same courage in the same situation? We obviously hope we will never find out but it just goes to show that people-even if anxious- don't necessarily collapse in a heap if they do get unwelcome news.
I am not in any way suggesting that you two will of course..but you are both just speculating and not dealing with an actual diagnosis from a medical professional. Speculation breeds uncertainty so you are actually just making things worse
Do you have HA Pulisa? Or is it something you have overcome or manage well? You sound too level-headed to be a sufferer.
I'm not level-headed in my head!:D Yes I do have HA but I am also the mum of 2 adult children with autism and the sole carer. My daughter monitors me round the clock for any signs that I may be about to keel over so I can't let her see any weakness in my fake armour. My son just begs me not to die and leave him in the lurch...
I have made a mental plan in my head as to what I would do if I had bad news. I would only go to the GP with a red flag symptom. I only google NHS medical sites for relevant advice. I never read anything health-related in the Daily Mail. I do what I can to keep healthy but ultimately recognise that I have no real control over what happens and it's pointless yearning for that ultimate control.
Even if the worst happens to me I've got no option other than to keep going. Which is a good thing. Too much time to ruminate is so unhelpful with HA.
flatterycat
28-08-22, 23:34
I'm not level-headed in my head!:D Yes I do have HA but I am also the mum of 2 adult children with autism and the sole carer. My daughter monitors me round the clock for any signs that I may be about to keel over so I can't let her see any weakness in my fake armour. My son just begs me not to die and leave him in the lurch...
I have made a mental plan in my head as to what I would do if I had bad news. I would only go to the GP with a red flag symptom. I only google NHS medical sites for relevant advice. I never read anything health-related in the Daily Mail. I do what I can to keep healthy but ultimately recognise that I have no real control over what happens and it's pointless yearning for that ultimate control.
Even if the worst happens to me I've got no option other than to keep going. Which is a good thing. Too much time to ruminate is so unhelpful with HA.
Pretty level-headed to me - to be able to maintain that plan whilst being a mum to 2 children with autism takes strength.
@Pulisa, you really do sound like you have so much of your HA under control even though you have a lot going on - that’s amazing. I remember you helped me a lot last year too when I was having armpit pain, so thank you for being here and always sharing great advice.
@Flatterycat - how are you today? Is your appt still tomorrow? Thank you for the book recommendation. I will look that up.
flatterycat
29-08-22, 15:25
Hi @sel123
Yeah my appointment is tomorrow afternoon. Feeling all kinds of worry!
Trying so hard to not touch the lump in groin. How are you today?
Same. I have my u/s tomorrow and just want to get there. We’re away until tonight so really trying to enjoy the moment but then I wonder if this is the calm before the storm and what will happen tomorrow and after. At times it’s easier to be with people because I have to engage in conversation but then I really just want to be alone and in bed, which I know isn't good.
Yes, really try not to touch it! It’s not going to change in 24 hours. I’m thinking of you!!
It's not long to wait now. Remember that you will not change anything by prodding and poking the area in terms of assessment..Try not to refer to it as a "lump" either..It's a small swelling.
I'm not trying to belittle your anxiety..Just trying to keep things in perspective."Lump" sounds very obvious and big.
Best of luck to the both of you..It's easy for me to chime in though..The only way to find out anything is to go through with these appointments xxx
flatterycat
29-08-22, 23:07
Same. I have my u/s tomorrow and just want to get there. We’re away until tonight so really trying to enjoy the moment but then I wonder if this is the calm before the storm and what will happen tomorrow and after. At times it’s easier to be with people because I have to engage in conversation but then I really just want to be alone and in bed, which I know isn't good.
Yes, really try not to touch it! It’s not going to change in 24 hours. I’m thinking of you!!
Best of luck for the ultrasound- I’m sure all will be well x
flatterycat
29-08-22, 23:08
It's not long to wait now. Remember that you will not change anything by prodding and poking the area in terms of assessment..Try not to refer to it as a "lump" either..It's a small swelling.
I'm not trying to belittle your anxiety..Just trying to keep things in perspective."Lump" sounds very obvious and big.
Thanks Pulisa - I am trying x
flatterycat
29-08-22, 23:09
[QUOTE=pulisa;2053722]Best of luck to the both of you..It's easy for me to chime in though..The only way to find out anything is to go through with these appointments xxx[/QUOTE
I know that’s true - bloody scary though.
Hi,
Just to let you know I had the same thing and the same fears. Turned out to be an ingrown hair! No redness or outward bump like you'd expect, just a hard lump. So don't worry, most likely that!
@Flatterycat - how was your appt?
flatterycat
30-08-22, 17:37
@Flatterycat - how was your appt?
I saw the consultant gynaecologist this afternoon. He gave me an pelvic exam (inc internal) and said everything was completely normal and that unless I wanted to, there’s no need for any further testing. He said he was 99% certain I didn’t not have oc or any other gynea c. I admit I got upset when he said he wasn’t going to give me an ultra-sound, but he actually said, he’d be able to tell if I had oc from the pelvic exam. As he is a very experience gynaecologist specialising in cancer (ovarian) I think I need to respect that and to be honest, one thing I’ve learnt about doctors is that they don’t really say things like that unless they’re sure. He said if I really wanted the blood test or a scan, he could arrange it, but he wasn’t recommending it.
He also felt the lump in my groin and said it was nothing to worry about.
So I’m home now, feeling better, but anxiety still high. But let’s face it, as this is my issue, it’s not going to stop without a lot of hard work.
Have you had your u/s yet @sel123? I’m sure it will be all ok for you x
The very experienced gynaecologist SPECIALIZING in OC DOES NOT recommend tests to satisfy your HA. I think you DO need to respect what he has spelled out for you and not give in to the belief that you know better as you've done your own research and combed the net to read up on all sorts of scary stuff..
You want the tests, I know...but the Big Test is being denied the tests (which you've said would terrify you) and dealing with your HA which specialises in fears not facts.
flatterycat
30-08-22, 18:07
The very experienced gynaecologist SPECIALIZING in OC DOES NOT recommend tests to satisfy your HA. I think you DO need to respect what he has spelled out for you and not give in to the belief that you know better as you've done your own research and combed the net to read up on all sorts of scary stuff..
You want the tests, I know...but the Big Test is being denied the tests (which you've said would terrify you) and dealing with your HA which specialises in fears not facts.
I agree 100% with you Pulisa.
Do you believe it though?
I’m so happy that you got good news! Yes, working on your anxiety will be the toughest challenge, but knowing you have the confidence from a specialist, should be a good start. After a big worry, it normally takes me a few days to come down from the level of fear, so be patient with yourself, but also try to get back to all of the things you were looking forward to before. I had my u/s but won’t get the results until later this week. Thx for asking :)
flatterycat
30-08-22, 20:36
I’m so happy that you got good news! Yes, working on your anxiety will be the toughest challenge, but knowing you have the confidence from a specialist, should be a good start. After a big worry, it normally takes me a few days to come down from the level of fear, so be patient with yourself, but also try to get back to all of the things you were looking forward to before. I had my u/s but won’t get the results until later this week. Thx for asking :)
Thanks @sel123. How do you feel after your scan?
flatterycat
30-08-22, 20:40
Do you believe it though?
Do I believe it? Well as an extreme HA sufferer I would say I have doubts, but if I didn’t I probably wouldn’t have HA. However, I know that even with the doubts I have to move forward with treating the HA. I don’t know how, because I’ve been on meds, therapy etc for years and still struggle, but I know it’s about accepting uncertainty. I think the start is to working on body checking - something I really really want to stop, but it’s also something I don’t know what’s ‘normal’ checking!
I would say it's like reassurance..Ask once and then leave it. Same with checking. Aim for just the once. It might seem impossible now but I think that's what "normal" people do:)
I don’t know, tbh. Relieved it was so fast but I would’ve felt better if she could’ve told me something. Now it’s the waiting for results part, which I find so hard. I’m ok today because i know they won’t call, but tomorrow i’ll be on edge. Anyway, nothing I can do now!
Hope you had a good night abs have a good sleep!!
I would say that in times of stress it's far harder to control the urges to check repeatedly
I don’t know, tbh. Relieved it was so fast but I would’ve felt better if she could’ve told me something. Now it’s the waiting for results part, which I find so hard. I’m ok today because i know they won’t call, but tomorrow i’ll be on edge. Anyway, nothing I can do now!
Hope you had a good night abs have a good sleep!!
I'm the same with waiting...I hate the phone ringing!
flatterycat
30-08-22, 20:59
I would say it's like reassurance..Ask once and then leave it. Same with checking. Aim for just the once. It might seem impossible now but I think that's what "normal" people do:)
Do normal people check all parts of their bodies, as in active checking? Apart from the breast checks that is?
flatterycat
30-08-22, 21:01
I would say that in times of stress it's far harder to control the urges to check repeatedly
This is huge for me. Massive amounts of stress and my ocd kicks in as does the checking. Trouble is I don’t ‘see’ this is the issue when the urge starts.
flatterycat
30-08-22, 21:03
I don’t know, tbh. Relieved it was so fast but I would’ve felt better if she could’ve told me something. Now it’s the waiting for results part, which I find so hard. I’m ok today because i know they won’t call, but tomorrow i’ll be on edge. Anyway, nothing I can do now!
Hope you had a good night abs have a good sleep!!
Yes it’s just another waiting game isn’t it. Did you GP check you over and reassure you before referring you or did you go private? Not sure what the healthcare system is like in Canada.
Yes it’s just another waiting game isn’t it. Did you GP check you over and reassure you before referring you or did you go private? Not sure what the healthcare system is like in Canada.
He didn’t do an internal but after I saw him, he sent me for an u/s instead. I would have felt better if that step had been done tbh! The challenge with this type of pain, is there isn’t any way for me to check what’s going on. Rationally I know that cysts are so common so I just need to turn up the sounds on the rational part of my brain, I guess!
flatterycat
30-08-22, 23:40
He didn’t do an internal but after I saw him, he sent me for an u/s instead. I would have felt better if that step had been done tbh! The challenge with this type of pain, is there isn’t any way for me to check what’s going on. Rationally I know that cysts are so common so I just need to turn up the sounds on the rational part of my brain, I guess!
If it’s any help, the consultant I saw today said that oc doesn’t really present with the type of pain I described. You may actually find that there’s nothing there at all to show the cause of pain. He asked me today if I needed an answer about the pains and I said no, that I was more concerned that oc was causing them, rather than the pain itself.
If you find out that your u/s is clear, will you be able to move on, or is the pain something you need to sort?
x
Has seeing the consultant helped you with your OC fears, flatterycat or do you feel just as anxious because he didn't offer any tests and dismissed the "lump"?
flatterycat
31-08-22, 23:08
Has seeing the consultant helped you with your OC fears, flatterycat or do you feel just as anxious because he didn't offer any tests and dismissed the "lump"?
Ordinarily I would probably still be worried but I think that because he was a consultant specialist I feel more accepting. The other thing is that I’m trying to work with my therapist on my HA. I often find that after getting a scan the HA goes and I find it really hard to work on it because at that moment, nothing is worrying me. So, in a way, this is positive - as I didn’t get the absolute ‘tests’ I was hoping for, it gives me things to work on now as opposed to waiting until the next time. That probably doesn’t make much sense!
Oh it does make sense. You've got some "material" to get your teeth into and you can work out a strategy with your therapist for the next episode when it happens.
My rule is that I only want tests if they are clinically necessary. No thanks if they are for reassurance purposes.
flatterycat
02-09-22, 09:58
Oh it does make sense. You've got some "material" to get your teeth into and you can work out a strategy with your therapist for the next episode when it happens.
My rule is that I only want tests if they are clinically necessary. No thanks if they are for reassurance purposes.
It’s great to have someone understand what I’m thinking. That’s the rule I want to stick with
I've got to the stage where if I'm offered tests I ask whether there is a clinical need for them and if there's not and it's just the doctor covering him/herself then I say I don't want them. I don't think the "just in case" proviso is helpful with HA.
flatterycat
03-09-22, 09:17
I've got to the stage where if I'm offered tests I ask whether there is a clinical need for them and if there's not and it's just the doctor covering him/herself then I say I don't want them. I don't think the "just in case" proviso is helpful with HA.
It’s not helpful, but I bet it takes a pretty confident doctor who can do this. I think some of the older, more experienced ones are better able, especially if they were practising before complaints/sueing was uncommon. I must admit, a ‘stricter’ GP tends to be more helpful for me.
Is there a stricter, "no nonsense" GP in your practice? Someone who is confident in their ability to diagnose based on their own observations and who understands how HA thrives on unnecessary testing?
flatterycat
04-09-22, 09:21
Is there a stricter, "no nonsense" GP in your practice? Someone who is confident in their ability to diagnose based on their own observations and who understands how HA thrives on unnecessary testing?
This is something I need to look into. Now that my doctor is leaving it’s an ideal time to find out.
My HA started bubbling yesterday and today I feel on edge and anxious. Yesterday I slipped into checking and prodding my stomach. I managed to stop it but it’s so very easy to slip. I’m back to work tomorrow after 6 weeks break and my hubby says that will be playing on my mind. Also, it was only 5 days ago that I was in a very anxious state. I think this is further proof that even after getting reassurance from doctor, it’s not sorted the anxiety that’s there.
You probably couldn't have even thought about going back to work tomorrow this time last week?
You'll have some structure back in your life and people will demand your undivided attention in view of your seniority. It may be a good thing? You've seen the Top Man who sees no clinical need for further tests. He's dismissed the swelling or whatever it is as of no clinical significance but I doubt whether you will be sufficiently convinced by his assessment to accept it without further proof ie tests? This is where the work with the therapist will come in ie reassessing living with uncertainty because there will never be 100% certainty with health as you know. Knowing this and accepting this is a big leap in successful HA management though.
Many here go into a spiral and can't see the forest through the trees. The positive difference I see here is that you're totally aware of the behaviors and mindsets that are causing you distress. While yes, you still engage with the behaviors and thoughts, you have the self awareness to realize what's happening and have the tools and real life assistance to help you.
You have gotten all the reassurance you need at this point. Its a matter of repeating that and accepting it. Its also not unusual to feel the residuals from your highly anxious state long after the flames die down. Its that campfire analogy I've posted so many time here. You still have hot coals waiting for fuel and you have the ability and resources to stop feeding them ;)
FMP
I agree that in terms of reassurance and symptom talk it's best to move on and address the practical side of tackling entrenched HA. You are lucky to have a therapist to help and guide you through the peaks and troughs which will inevitably happen but this support will be such a bonus and you will have the opportunity to talk about all your worst fears rather than keeping them all pent up and locked away..
Good luck for the start of term tomorrow..It must be a bit daunting but it's obviously a job that you are extremely good at. I'm sure you can pit your brain against HA in exactly the same way and make some significant progress.
flatterycat
07-09-22, 07:02
[QUOTE=pulisa;2054217]You probably couldn't have even thought about going back to work tomorrow this time last week?
Thats so true Pulisa!
flatterycat
07-09-22, 07:06
Many here go into a spiral and can't see the forest through the trees. The positive difference I see here is that you're totally aware of the behaviors and mindsets that are causing you distress. While yes, you still engage with the behaviors and thoughts, you have the self awareness to realize what's happening and have the tools and real life assistance to help you.
Yes, and it’s now about trying to really forcing myself to actively use the tools. Something I admit to not really committing to - at least not in a sustained way.
You have gotten all the reassurance you need at this point. Its a matter of repeating that and accepting it. Its also not unusual to feel the residuals from your highly anxious state long after the flames die down. Its that campfire analogy I've posted so many time here. You still have hot coals waiting for fuel and you have the ability and resources to stop feeding them ;)
FMP
Thats. A brilliant analogy and one that actually rings very true.
flatterycat
07-09-22, 07:09
I agree that in terms of reassurance and symptom talk it's best to move on and address the practical side of tackling entrenched HA. You are lucky to have a therapist to help and guide you through the peaks and troughs which will inevitably happen but this support will be such a bonus and you will have the opportunity to talk about all your worst fears rather than keeping them all pent up and locked away..
Good luck for the start of term tomorrow..It must be a bit daunting but it's obviously a job that you are extremely good at. I'm sure you can pit your brain against HA in exactly the same way and make some significant progress.
Thanks Pulisa
It’s like I’ve never been away - so hectic as usual with the added pressure of getting used to the new role. Old habits are definitely entrenched and I know it’s going to take a lot of commitment to address them and my deep rooted fears.
The positive here is that you want to address them and have the means and support to address them in real life as opposed to solely on a forum. It's an ongoing project with a defined target...That of being able to manage HA yourself rather than be managed by it to the detriment of your quality of life.
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