Obsessive checking

[Limeslime]

I’m really struggling guys. My tummy feels like I’m on a rollercoaster, my skin is crawling and I’m checking myself multiple times a day for long periods of time. If I fight the urge to check, the anxiety gets louder and becomes crippling.
I’ve been here before, and it consumed me for 2 and a half years. I got better, but this year has really tested me and I find myself back in this dark place.
It feels so hopeless. I don’t know how to climb out if this pit again, I’m not strong enough 😭😭😭

[ServerError]

If you characterise getting better from anxiety as "climbing out of this pit again", you'll make it sound like a Herculean task, which I know is how it feels when things are bad. Some writers on the subject of anxiety suggest that you actually have to stop fighting how you feel and allow it to be there as it is without adding an extra layer of stress and anxiety on top. Getting off the "I have to feel better, I have to feel better, I have to fight" train can sometimes be very helpful. It's not necessarily about giving up on yourself, it's just about removing that extra layer of mental effort from the equation.

What I will say is that people do recover from what you're going through. There are others who retain some degree of anxiety but learn to live well with it. Things can and do get better.

[Limeslime]

Thanks ServerError, I absolutely believe that I can get better (or better enough to function normally whilst living with some degree of anxiety) as I have achieved this before. I just find it crazy how much I have forgotten about how I achieved that, and how to differentiate reality from anxiety when it comes to health related stuff.
Like, my obsessive checking is such that I’m noticing changes at a minute level. Minuscule. But it sends me into a tail spin.
And I can’t determine risk levels anymore, it’s just “any change is bad no matter how small” mentality! I’m exhausted! And I can’t remember how to stop without feeling like I’m putting myself at grave risk!

[flatterycat]

Thanks ServerError, I absolutely believe that I can get better (or better enough to function normally whilst living with some degree of anxiety) as I have achieved this before. I just find it crazy how much I have forgotten about how I achieved that, and how to differentiate reality from anxiety when it comes to health related stuff.
Like, my obsessive checking is such that I’m noticing changes at a minute level. Minuscule. But it sends me into a tail spin.
And I can’t determine risk levels anymore, it’s just “any change is bad no matter how small” mentality! I’m exhausted! And I can’t remember how to stop without feeling like I’m putting myself at grave risk!

Just wanted to say I completely understand what you are saying about feeling at risk if you don’t check. My checking has got bad this year. In fact I could probably write a book on the various ways in which I have sunk in order to check. I think it’s another form of ocd and the only way to get better is not to check but it’s so hard - you get that lovely feeling when it feels ok, but it lasts minutes! It doesn’t help that we are told to check certain parts regularly either. I find I’m at a stage where I’m not sure I know what’s normal checking.

Anyway wanted to say you aren’t alone.

[pulisa]

"Normal" checking is checking once and then leaving it..Like reassurance-seeking..Ask once and resist the compulsion to ask again.

It's a hard discipline to master but not impossible. It's really hard to begin with of course.. Really really hard to face those awful urges and then not act on them.

[Limeslime]

I’m fighting the urge to check today. I’ve been checking (specifically boobs as I have an ongoing worry that is keeping me under monitoring for best part of a year at the hospital!)

Anyway, the checking has been ramping up to unrealistic amounts! Several times a day, everyday, starting when I first open my eyes in the morning and rush to the bathroom to capture the right lighting. Cue half an hour of standing like a contortionist with a hand mirror assessing ever stretch mark, spider vein and dimple. Do my nipples look normal? Is one boob a different shape suddenly? Why are marks visible that weren’t there yesterday? Is that an indent or a crease from clothing? Asaaarhh!!!
Then several times through the day I need to repeat this, because my brain comes up with a question about it, and I just must check! If I don’t, the anxiety grows louder, my chest hurts, my skin tingles, I feel unsafe.

Today, I woke up and decided to fight the need to check. It’s now 2pm, and guys this hurts. I feel like an alcoholic who can’t get a drink. I’m shaking, literally. My brain is trying to put questions in my head that I’d need to check my boobs to get the answers to. I can hardly breath. Why is this so hard? I don’t know how to get through this. I’m so close to cracking!
Does anyone have any advice?

[sel123]

Hi there!! I really feel for you and for a long time I was obsessed with checking my breasts. I was convinced they were different sizes, colours etc and honestly would do so much of what you were doing. At one point, I remember locking myself in my closet with a ruler so I could measure if one nipple was lower than the other. True story. I suffer with OCD/HA and for half of last year that was my obsession. My therapist told me to try to put a time on how often I would check and then when it was time to check ask myself if I was comfortable moving the checking by another 5 minutes and then 10 minutes etc. Maybe you can start be giving yourself two times a day to check and work toward once a day etc.

[pulisa]

I think the "asking yourself" aspect is really important here as sel says. Learning to reassure and be comfortable with yourself about reducing the checking times.

Rather than "fighting" with yourself and your thoughts (which make things worse with all the adrenaline), maybe acknowledge that this is hard but a necessary thing to do so it's better to go softly with yourself, accept that the compulsions will be strong but ultimately you have checked yourself and don't need to repeat what you have already done just yet?

[Limeslime]

Thank you both. I think my main struggle is that my brain alters my memories from when I last checked, and makes me question things so that I need to go back and check again. My memories of what I e seen seem different to the reality of actually looking, and so the cycle repeats.

For context, I have two large areas of dimpling, one area in each breast.( I had clear mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy earlier this year and am now on 3-6 monthly reviews with the breast consultant to keep an eye on them)
But of course, I’m obsessively looking for changes! The areas are quite difficult to monitor because they’re made up of several dimples, marks, stretch marks and indents. Different lighting, times in my cycle, hell, even times of the day can make certain areas look different to earlier! I feel like every time I look I discover something new! Mostly I put these changes down to stretch marks or broken capillaries , but of course my anxious brain wants me to go back and check multiple times that it’s definitely not new indents! My memory pictures them as such. It’s exhausting.

I got through yesterday though. It was hard, but I did it. It always seems easier in the evening, though I don’t know why. But going to sleep is like pressing a reset button and I awaken to high anxiety levels again.

So far today, I’ve managed to avoid checking again, but the dragon is loud!

I’ve got a family holiday booked for 2 weeks time. I really want to be calm and ok for it, im terrified of finding something new before then!