Miss the old me...

[erincassells]

Since I have entered my 40s, it's like a whole new phase of life and not what I would have expected.

I have a successful career, and all the other things that I am grateful for, but can't seem to shake the anxiety or whatever this is. I thought I'd be thriving and looking forward to this phase of life, but the last 5 years have been so so so lonely and rough. I am trying radical acceptance, DBT, CBT...

Felt fine'ish for most of my 30s, but perimenopause is pretty much wrecking my life with the myriad of symptoms. I can't get ahead of it. Working on counseling and trying to change mindset, but some days it feels like I'll never feel hopeful.

I miss not constantly worrying about my health or those I love.

I miss being hopeful about the future and not scared of poorly aging, and rapidly. Last two years - significant changes and constant symptoms.

I miss not beating myself up for bad habits in my past (smoking/drinking).

I miss how I looked at life prior to being told I'm high risk for breast cancer and screened constantly...terrified it will be aggressive/interval.

I miss being normal and just enjoying my day and not obsessing

I miss how I looked at the world prior to 4 coworkers and/or friends dying from cancer under the age of 50 (despite all the commentary about treatments, etc).

I want to wake up hopeful again. I miss the old me. I work hard to not dump this on people close to me, because they don't experience this and it is embarrassing..

Just needed to vent. Did not think my 40s would go this way...

Wanted to add that the helpful advice from the wonderful people on this thread are amazing. The kindness, rational thinking, positive encouragement are so so beneficial for others who are struggling.

[Scass]

Oh same. Wish I could help, but you’re not alone xx

[erincassells]

Thanks, Scass. I peruse the Menopause sub on Reddit and there are so so many women struggling in the same way. I feel wholly unprepared like it was a big secret and also a bit ashamed that I simply am exhausted and lack the tools some days.

Thanks for your response and sorry to hear its rough for you too.

[Scass]

Have you seen your dr about it?

[julia]

Same xevery test and they find something new ,just padt my yr so now in menopause I feel your pain

[erincassells]

Hello Julia and Scass.. bloodwork is not very effective at dealing with crazy symptoms of perimenopause or meno. It's just something that mostly I guess I have to deal with.

Feel like a idiot for even complaining of it or posting, but just feel like a different person in a short few years.

[megan91]

I'm only 31 and I think about how stupid I was worrying about all these diseases in my 20s. All I think about is how every year older, the higher the chance is for certain cancer/diseases. I don't see my mental health getting better with age and it SUCKS. I feel like breast cancer is so prevalent even in your 30s and the sucky part is we don't even get screened for anything. I get to rely on anxious self checks, which isn't even recommended anymore. So it's just luck if you make it to the age when you get regular mammograms, which is 40 in the states.

[NoraB]

I miss the old me too, Erin.

I don't recognise the old bird who looks back at me in the mirror these days. Fibro, the meno, my parents dying, a breakdown - all these things have chipped away at me, and I no longer have the energy to physically work my way through my anxiety issues, life issues, and back catalogue of crap.

I don't know how I am supposed to feel anymore, or who I am supposed to be. I just limp from one day to the next, feeling shite, and fantasising over Pavers shoes and heated blankets. Meanwhile, Vorders (Carol Vorderman) is in the news wearing figure-hugging red dresses and worshipping the Gods of HRT. I can't take HRT, so my collagen has gone to wherever Elton John's hair buggered off to, and my lady bits (vag and vulva) have also tendered their resignations. I got out of the bath last night and could only see the one flap, the other having shrivelled into itself. (It eventually puffed out sufficiently to resemble a flap again)

My ovaries officially retired in 2010 when my soon-to-be retired-gynae consultant smilingly broke this news to me: You're in ovarian failure, Mrs Batty, you have zero chance of becoming pregnant again. Ever. Have a nice day!

To be honest, after having the periods from hell since I was 11 years old (and having birthed two kids and another evicted from my womb via emergency c section) I wasn't too gutted about an early menopause. (However, the git could have warned me about what could happen to my skin, my vagina - my sanity) :lac:

Why did it have to be a cheerful soon-to-be-retired man to give me this news? :shrug:

Why couldn't it have been a sympathetic female consultant (having gone through her own satanic menopause) guiding me through the possibilities and probable's?

Why didn't my mother prepare me for this? I mean, granted, I now fully understand what all those plate-hurling, chain-smoking, 'You've all ruined my sodding life' meltdowns were about in the early 80s. Poor sod was in a state of tricky hormone imbalance, innit? And I count myself lucky that us kids (and my dad) came through that time without one of us being buried under the patio! :scared15:

Mr Batty is 51. Everything is still in working order and the bugger only has one or two grey hairs, and they're pubes. Sometimes he catches me staring at him. 'What's up with you? he asks. (Dare I admit to murdering him in my mind?) :unsure:

Off I go to prise myself into my size 14 leggings (I was a size 8 before the meno) and my good friend Maybelline will put some colour into my face to make me look less mort. I might cheer myself up later by drawing a moustache on Carol Vorderman's face. :roflmao:

[Catkins]

To be honest it's not so much the menopause that f'ed things up for me (although to be fair it hasn't been fun). After a pretty long period of managing my anxiety well, general life difficulties kept kicking my arse until it all got too much and anxiety galloped on back to the fold. In a way I don't want to go back to the person before I imploded last year. That was a person who worked too much, stretched herself too thin, did everything for others before herself and generally buried her head in the sand about how badly she was coping. Life isn't perfect now, but I'm much more self aware and hopefully a little stronger.

HRT has really helped me (went on it just before the pandemic), and to be honest only went on it because I thought I'd finished with the menopause at 52 and after a long break of no symptoms they came back with a bang.

Life isn't terrible as you get older, but it's certainly different.

[Catkins]

Oh and Nora, I officially gave up on anything below a size 14 this year, my muffin top was at the stage it could have done with its own bra. I've actually lost a bit of weight since I made the decision, but I'm so enjoying the comfort of a 14 in jeans that I'm not going back.

[NoraB]

Oh and Nora, I officially gave up on anything below a size 14 this year, my muffin top was at the stage it could have done with its own bra. I've actually lost a bit of weight since I made the decision, but I'm so enjoying the comfort of a 14 in jeans that I'm not going back.

There's a bit more to it with me, Catkins, as weight is a sensory issue for me. I'm at my happiest when I'm straight up and down and around 8 stone. Aside two EDs, which caused my weight to drop dramatically, this was my norm until the menopause.

Mr Batty might be chuffed with my acquired lady bumps but I'm not. (He comes over all Sid James and starts making honking noises) :whistles:

I tried the massive hold-it-all in pants, but they keep riding up my arse and that irritates the heck out of me. I need to wear knickers, but not feel like I'm wearing any, if that makes sense?

I think it's great that women can take HRT, but that wasn't a valid option for me. (I can't even use the topical oestrogen creams on my poor vag and vulva) :weep:

[Catkins]

Oh hell Nora, that's bloody unfair. I can't imagine how awful it being a sensory issue is, the only sensory problem with it for me was I couldn't stand my waistband digging in. As for the 'downstairs' issue you again have my sympathy, the topical stuff was a godsend for me, even walking was getting uncomfortable.

[erincassells]

Thank you for all the responses and perspective. Knowing others are going through it makes me a bit sad to know others are struggling, but I do feel less alone.

The sweating at work with migraines, nausea, strange symptoms just completely derail the day and it's hard to express it to someone who hasn't gone through it. Its although my body is foreign to me and taken over by an alien force.

The 20 lbs in weight gain, hair loss, boob issues, fatigue, doom, tinnitus, dizziness. I don't know how to tackle them and because 'bloodwork' looks fine, I just deal and try to not throw up at my desk at work or pass out. It makes me just want to hide at home until this is all over.

Grateful for you all in your responses.

[smogie]

I feel for you I am 59 years old and have spent the last thirty + worrying about illness and dying I feel like I’ve wasted my life I thought things would get easier but it hasn’t can’t begin to count how much therapy I’ve had and different medications I have no answers for you just a lot of sympathy